should have known this would go like this. nothing can ever be good for me no never. i knew my happiness would only last as long as i could dream. but you have to wake up someday right? i want to go back back to my own world the only place i knew nothign coudl go wrong i see myself in the mirror here and just want to throw things at it. i want to scratch the fat off my body till i am bleeding.
i want rip my own hair from my head and claw my own eyes out. i am nothing like i want to be. i want to be skinny . pretty, with long hair not short stupid curls that make my face more fat and ugly then it is. i want to be proud of myself i knwo to not be stupid enough to belive everything i hear. i want to know what to do i want to be able to keep the people that love me around me in sted of pushing them away! i want to be able to belive someone acually loves me and will not hurt me. i want to see love a want to be myself i want to hang with friend party with friends and not worry but i can't not worrie becuase none of the people i love get along leave me being pulled two differnt ways. i will everntually rip in half and they can split me i guess. or i will go insain when it happens if it hasn't already. i wish that if i hit my reflection in the mirror hard enough it would shatter into small pieces that no one could place back together so no one could see me and my ugly self again inside and out. i also don't knwo how many times my heart can shatter into pieces and yet still someone always finds another pieces barly big enough and shatters that oe too. i don't even think i have a full heart anymore. it's just a bunch of little pieces people just sterp on and break into even more little pieces. eventually it will be dust and then they can throw it in a river or somthign to it will dissovle away into nothing. just like the rest of me. i have dissovled into the nothing of society, faded into the shadows of even the shadows them selfs. sitting in the darkness i once yearned for so i could be alone and dream away life but now consumed, swallowed so far in that i can't fight my way out becuase i am too weak my dreams are no more they are not the loving place or happiness i once realied on for my smiles and hope but they are now a desalent waste land, picture perfect illuson of my own life my trees have died the river has frozen soild the animals have left the sun and moon are blocked by the dark greedy clouds of hatered and envy. storms come in droping rain liek tears thunder crashing lightning stricking lighting up what was once my beautiful world of hope and innocence showing me what i have lost everything once beautiful colors hiden under thick snow and ice. and then a hint of sun peeks from a cloud to melt a small patch of snow away and i see a small flower one of the red roses i would lay in and sleep. the sun dissapers cover quickly with hate and envy as the small flower starts to wilt and die i cry. i know what i have lost and now i am alone. not a wolf,bird,butterfly, or bug to be found just miles of dirt,snow and rain. dead trees mock me as i lie in the snow hopeing one day i will wake, sun will shine my full moon will glimmer and the stars will twinkle and my love for everythign and myself will return. but now i sit here thinking how ridiculous it was of me to make such a perfect world and make sure i try not to let any human contact go to far. after the frist heart break it started as a good thing let me withdraw from reality and lay there in peace with animals that love me a river the refelcts inner beauty as out. but as time went on inner beauty faded too leaveing me to hate myself in the only place i used to love myself. my long locks of thought fell out the pale glimmer flushed and pasty bags appered under my once beautiful eyes now turned grey with sarrow and thought of death. my body withering from lack of health. my voice i once charished fadeing into nothing and letting it go mute. if i could not sing of them the ones i loved to sing for them i had no point to sing the beauty drained i had no need for it i still have no need for it. i am an ugly person. i don't have any thign that say otherwise.
i just want to feel and be loved i want out of the place i have fallen i want my world to either return to normal or go away. if my world fades into darkness anymore so will i. i can't keep acting like nothing is wrong with me i live i breath just like any other person right so you think i would be treated like one but insted i am treated like something you toy with, like a young cat when you use the stupid laser things on them .
for your enjoyment i chase the laser around as you laugh at my stupidity. becuase i trust you when you say i will get it one day one day i will reach my goals one day i will be specail and i belive you when you say you will live me forever but like a kitten as i grow old you will push me off the beds throw me outside forget to feed me never pet me. forget the times we had. you wil never scoop me up in your and snuggle me close never will you let me lay in your bed at night no. i will forever be put outside forced in the cold night air staring at your window wish that once more i was as cute as i once was wishing that the beauty you once saw in me would come back. for you to look into my eyes and see the pain you have given me as you pushed me aside with you feet or as i tred to play like we used to and you would go cross throwing me out a door off a bed and simply leaveing me alone when you had other over i used to be in your arms and you would pet me as you talked you would cry on me.you would talk to me and i would listen no one would come between us.but now you cry to friends now you throw me from the room when they are around now you see me outside and walk right past me. when i rub against your leg you kick me away. and now when you pull out the red laser and ask me to play i do. i still play, i still chase the laser around in a pointless attempt to please you you laugh at my stupidiy and in my mind i take all the laughter i know i will never catch it and you will never love me like you once did but in that moment that place that time i know you remember that at one time i was all you had. all you loved and now you leave me again but for the first time in a long time you say my name just like you used to you pat my head and walk out the door i watch from the windows that seperate our to lifes and you get in the car with the people you now love over me and i sit and wait for you to come back becuase although you left me threw all those times we where together i would always promise you i woulld never stop loving you, and i still havent.
i still don't seem to phase anyone i just am there . if they see me they don't really know. they don't know i feel alone. they don't see that i am a shadow of shadows of my own past. they can't tell how i feel on the inside they can't see what i do they don't see how awful i really am the people who see me don't see anything even clsoe to really being what i am and feel.
