Fubar Blog Posts 2

Joke
~ Joke of the Day ~ A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a puszy look like?" The Dad confused, asks him " before or after intercourse" The kid says "Ummm before" So the dad says to him "Well have u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles." "yeah" says the son."well what about after" he says to his dad. His dad replies " Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"

Joke Blog
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good", and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..." What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nu

Joke
~ Joke of the Day ~ After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

A Joke
Just a Joke Current mood: chipper Just a Joke May 09, 2006 Let this be a warning to all you ladies BEER, FISHING, GOLF & SEX: A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

Joke
~ Joke of the Day ~ Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

Joke
Joke of the day ~ Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

Jokerlove
all rite boys and girls Here it is its finally here.Give it up for The clown pride the one and only Joker love. Now its time for that mythical adventure that you all have been waiting for.it took me a wile but i finally did. now come on down And take a seat in the first row Because your going to find Out what joker love is all about. Now i don't care who it may be i don't care who May hate me. the nasty things you may say. I'm going to tell you rite here and now.That i have love for every body It don't matter who. you can spit in my face thats all rite but you will never keep the jokerlove Down.

Joke Investments
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one > year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. > > With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the > original $1000.00. > > With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 > left. > > If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock > you would have $49.00 left > > But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer > one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the > cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would > have had $214.00. > > Based on the above, the best current investment > advice is to drink heavily and recycle. > > It's called the 401-Keg Plan

Joke
~ Joke of the Day ~ A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

Jokes
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." _______________ ______________________________ "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." ______________________

Jokes With A Stranger In The Spa
Just came back from two hours in the pool... doing my usual amount of laps and noticing a rather handsome man in the lane next to me. I'm not one to chat men up, but I enjoyed the softness of his face, the lean body and how his hair swept off his face due to the wetness...I was just content to look and get on with the task of swimming my laps next to him. Later I sat in the spa adjacent to the pool, taking in the hot water and pumelling my muscles with "Big Bertha" the powerful jet of water I've affectionately named, when in hobbles handsome faced man. I realise he'd need Big Bertha more than I, so I move over and he nods at me in gratitude. We talk for a while about his knee, the operation he just endured and soon we are cracking jokes. I particularly loved the one he said about how to make a Scottish omelette.. "How do you make a Scottish omelette?" "Well you borrow three eggs.........." I cracked up. He enjoyed my jokes, I enjoyed his and as I got up to leave, he s

Joke
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a quest ion first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Joke
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A Joke To Brighten Everyone's Day *^^*
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," he said. "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," said the woman. "What a coincidence," said the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For months all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" said the woman, "How did you manage that?" "I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Joke Stash !
Happy Tuesday all Thought i'd spread a little happiness around and search out some jokes to brighten up your day. I've added some jokes to my stash so please stop by and have a giggle and leave some lurve !! Enjoy ! Lin xx

Joke;-)
Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks." The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man. The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to

Joke
Choosing A Wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for

Joke,....;-)
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!!!!!"

Joke
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful? The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

Joke
Pharmacist A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A Joke
(Originally Posted on April 28, 2006)I got this joke from a Pagan newsletter I belong to. Please feel free to replace "Pagan" with "Satanist" in the joke:A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born kittens."What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher."Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the littlegirl.The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.A few days latter the preacher saw the little girl again."And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man of God."Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're Pagan kittens," replied the girl. "But...but... I thought you said last week that they were Christian kittens," sputtered the flabbergasted preacher."Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."tag: satan, satanism, satanist, satanic, religi

Jokes
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Wh

Joke Time
Eight Thousand Metres Up Eight thousand metres up, the plane is falling from the sky, Both engines have failed and they are all about to die The passengers are desperate, the pilot's in a panic A young woman leaps up at last, her voice is clearly frantic She rips off her shirt and shouts to all the passengers and crew 'Someone! Make a woman of me! Any man will do!' A bloke three rows back sees his chance - is this his dying wish? He rips his shirt off, flings it at her and says 'Here! Iron this

Joke
Joke of the Day ~ Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago

Joke #2
A lonely lady, aged 60ish, decided that is was time to get in a relationship again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60's-70ish), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the woman said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?" The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

Joke
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared to hear the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't bui

Jokes...
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a hockey stick shoved up his Ass.

Jokes Little Kids Tell
So my little cousin tell me a joke. this man is sitting on the porch, see a snail, picks it up and throws it over the house into the back yard. Two years later the man see the snail, picks it up and the snail ask the man: What the hell did you do that for? Now I had to laugh because my cousin was only 3 years old. I thought I will share this with all my friends. Have a blessed day dee

Jokes!! Cuz Everyone Needs To Laugh!
Your are 100% Oklahoman IF.... >1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, Chickasha and >Tahlequah. > >2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are >sissies. > >3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look >for a funnel. > >4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on >the highway. > >5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. > >6 You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by >the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade. > >7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks. > >8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals. > >9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. > >10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm about 5 minutes away.") > >11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City." > >12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in >an airplane cras

Jokes
BE STRONG A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Jokes
A Tennessee State Trooper pulled a car over on I-65 about 15 miles north of Ardmore , Tennessee. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Nashville to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from Alabama , got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to

Joke;-)
Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road. The one old man reeled in his line, lain down his pole, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again. The other fisherman was amazed and stated "I didn't know you were that religious." The other looked at him and said "Least I could do, we've been married 42 years!"

Jokes On Me
I keep waiting for the phone to ring Yet I know it won't be you; I try to fill my life with busy-ness Yet all I do is think of you. What became of us And all our dreams and plans; How could you turn and walk away As I watched our castles turn to sand? Do you never even miss me Don't you long to caress my face; How could you forget so easily And You I can't erase? I want to be in your arms again To see the laughter in your eyes; But I guess the joke's on me And Oh! Was I surprised!

Jokes For Today 4/28
Two caterpillars Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things." Stricter with the screening process A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then

Jokes !!!!
Fucked up Jokes!! Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?" "well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." a witch, why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window." -----------------------

Joke 4
A keen but struggling tennis player was talking about his game: When I’m about to serve, my brain sends a command to my body: “ Hit the ball hard and deep, and then race into position for the next shot!” But my body says, “ WHO? ME?” ********* A WIFE POINTED TO HER HUSBAND STREACHED OUT ON A DECKCHAIR IN THE BACKYARD: “ He generally takes things easy. He doesn’t go bush-walking or bird-watching, for instance. He prefers to let the birds come and watch him.” ******** PARKING SPACE: unoccupied space on the other side of the street.

Jokes Too Funny....lol
The 1st Affair: > > A married man was having an affair with his secretary. > > One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .. > > The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. > > He put on his shoes and drove home. > > "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. > > "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." > > "You lying bastard! > > You've been playing golf!" > > > The 2nd Affair: > > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. > > They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. > > The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. > > The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. > > He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. > > He told his wife, "There's no

Joke
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Joke Of The Day
Joke of the day: After spying a beautiful blond walking by a man says to God, "God, why did you make blonde's so beautiful?" God responded, "So you would love her." "But God", the man replied, "Why did you make her so dumb?" God replies, "So she would love you."

Joke Of The Day
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility." The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray." Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked. "I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger. "Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister. The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

Jokes:2
Three guy`s walk into a BAR,an IRISH MAN,ENGLISH MAN,AND A AUSSIE Bloke,IRISH MAN SAY`S: i bet you $50 that my dog beats your dog Lick that,ENGLISH MAN SAY`S:i bet you $100 that my dog beats your`s Lick that,AUSSIE BLOKE SAY`S:my dog has a DIRTY ASS i bet you $200 that you won`t lick that.LOL

Joke Of The Day
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist." "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

Joke
Subject It's all relative........ Body: >> >>>>> >> >>>>> >WHO IS JACK SCHITT >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack >> >>>>>Schitt? >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know >> >>>>>Jack Schitt!' >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >Well,thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an >> >>>>> >intellectual way. >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >Jack Schitt is the only son of >>Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the >> >>>>> >fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. >> >>>>>Schitt, Inc. >> >>>>> >They had one son, Jack. >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious >> >>>>>couple >> >>>>> >produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, >> >>>>> >Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip >> >>>>>Schitt. >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb >> >>>>>Schitt, a >> >>>>> >highs chool dropout.. >> >>>>> >After being marri

Joke
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........ My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind.

Jokes...
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner ton

Jokes To Offend Everyone
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to

Jokes
Gas for the drive to the convenient store: $20.00 Hooded winter jacket with large inside pocket to conceal identity and carry gun: $65.00 9mm handgun purchased from Ray- Ray up the block: $150.00 Failure to master holding on to your weapon during your planned armed robbery : PRICELESS (Watch closely...it repeats itself)

Joke Of The Day..
Two aliens landed in the Texas desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad" "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared tow

Joke Of The Day,,,lol
One day a teenager came home with his girlfriend and his brother slept on the bottom bunk bed, so he had to go on the top, during the middle of the night they started kissing,and then was making love, and the teenager asked the girl if she wanted to go harder say tomato and if she wanted to go easier say lettuce, so she said tomato.... lettuce...tomato..lettuce...tomato...and then the little boy on the bottom bunk said, "Stop squishing sandwiches, your getting manaise on me!"

Joke Of The Day...
... A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. * * * * * * * * * That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" * * * * * * * * * The boy goes

Joke
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back

A Joke For Tony
One day a man and his granddaughter were sitting on the front porch swing.. and the little girl looks up and asks, "Grandpa, will you please make the sound of a frog.. will you pleaseeeeeeee?" the little girl pleaded for. With a perplexed look on the man's face he looks down and said, "Why do you want me to make the sound of a frog?" The little girl then looks up with a very excited look on her face and says.. "Grandma says when you croak.. we're going to Florida" Sorry Tony.. I had to. This was too good to pass up. I know.. "Angel come here for your spanking" LOL!!!

Joke Of The Day
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was married. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her husband.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her husband says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the husband calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's e

Joke....voo Doo Dick
I can't share this in my Stash....So I thought I would post a few Jokes here .... ROFLMFAO!! Voodoo Dick There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man. "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "N

Jokes
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Mom and Dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies," Never mind what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies," Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?" He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue." ****************************

Joke
(This joke is best told and not read. It helps if you can do dialects.) Time: late 1940's Place: New York There were these two elderly Jewish gentlemen visiting the Big Apple when they decided it was getting late and they needed to find a room for the night. As they passed one hotel, one man says to the other, "Why don't we try this one?" The other says, "Are you crazy? It says on the sign that this is a restricted hotel. You know what that means? It means they don't let Jews in!" To which the first man replies, "Restricted, reschmicted. Let's go in and have a little fun. Just let me do all the talking." So the two men enter and approach the desk clerk. Man: (in thick Yiddish accent) We want a room! Clerk: (Flustered. With a "Connecticut clench") I'm sorry, but this is a RESTRICTED hotel. We do NOT allow Jewish people to stay here. Man: What makes you think I'm Jewish? I'm just as Christian as you are! Come on, ask me a Christion question! The clerk deci

Joke
My wife asked me once, "how many women does it take to screw in a lite blub when that woman has menopause?" I looked at her and said, "Honey, darling and the love of my life, I don't know how many." She then turned at me and then said, "the lite blub over the stove, IS OUT!!" That is how many I knew it took. Just one.

Joke
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the docto

Joke
This man was on a flight to Canada. This gorgeous woman got on the plane with him, and sat down beside him. So he decided to pass the time and talk to her. "Are you going to Canada for a vacation ?" he asked. "No, she replied; "I'm actually going to the International Nympomaniacs Conference." "I am their guest speaker". "Well what would you find to talk about at one of these conferences", he asked. She replied, " well I have found out alot of interesting facts in my study." "For instance, people always assume that African American males are the most well hung, which in fact, it is the Native American indian. "And, people always assume that Italian men are the best lovers, when in fact, it is Jewish men that are the best lovers." "And I have found that Southern rednecks have the staying power and are able to last longer." She looks at him, and says, "What did you say your name was again?" He replies; "My name is Tonto Goldstein, but they call me Bu

Joke
when are lawnmower broke and wouldnt run my wife kept hinting to me that i should get it fixed. but somehow i always had something to else to take care of first the track the car or golf always something i thought more important to do finally she thought of a clever way to make her point when i arrived home one day i found her seated in the tall grass busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors i watched silently for a short time and then went into the house i was gone only a few minutes when i came out again and handed her a tooth brush and said when your finish cutting the grass you might as well sweep the driveway the doctors say i will walk again but i will always have the limp. lmao this was a great one

Jokes1
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel. Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later. Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam. Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat A. A Klondike Bar Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breath through something so small? Q. Why don't women wear watches? A. There's a clock on the stove! Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. Q. What's worse than getting r

Jokes
Fly is Unzipped Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped 20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can see the gun of Navarone. 18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17. You've got Windows on your laptop. 16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6. Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3. You've go

Joke
A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you". He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time". She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"

Joke
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw". The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.

Joke
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

Joke For The Day From Soo Morning Crew
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a girl from Michigan. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could

Jokes Nsfw
What's the difference between snot and cauliflower? Kids will eat snot. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%5 A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up. The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample". The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow" When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?" The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F." "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat fir

Joke For The Day
joke Posted by neo in Joke WOrld Reloaded on January 09, 2007 2:39:00 AM Tags: joke A man lives with his parents his whole life. He doesn’t drink, smoke, or do anything of that nature. Most importantly, though, he doesn’t swear. After both of his parents have died, when he’s in his late fifties, he becomes lonely. He decides to go to the pet store, and buy a friend to talk to. He asks for the most talkative parrot that they have. They bring him a small, fluffy blue parrot, and he takes it home. Excitedly, he says, “hello, new friend, what would you like me to call you”. The parrot doesn’t reply. The man, thinking that the parrot must be unable to hear him, repeats the sentence a bit louder. The parrot replies with “I heard you the first time, A**hole”. Appalled, the man solemnly says “we don’t use that kind of language in this house”. Upon hearing this, the parrot starts screaming every profanity he’s ever heard, even in other languages. The man gets terribly upset, and

Joke For The Day
This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what; I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up...... and drink my poison..."

Jokes
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot. When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets. When you ar

Joke
One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. " Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, " I found the remote!" __________________

Jokes From A *woman,
For the women who have spoken and wished that they could immediately take the words back or that She could crawl into a hole ? She was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. She was unhappy with the women's type She had been using. After browsing for several minutes, She was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help Her. Without thinking, She looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.' *My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. *Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a

Joke
The River > >Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, >raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man >prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." > >Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim >across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. > >After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me >strength and the tools to cross the river." > >Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was >able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once . > > >Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, >please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross >this river." > >Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred >yards up stream and walked across the bridge. > >

Joke ( Herb)
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis." Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was

Joker
As one her body reacts to her mind Hunger crawling deep inside Her thoughts tell her, "you've been replaced" Sudden lonlieness hits harder then before Softly she glares at her reflections Wondering how she couldnt have seen His games making her bleed How her love wont let him be Inprisoined all of his eterinty Slowly she slips through his finger tips Loving her has become so unforgiving His name she does live by Her soul he will die for Haunting memories bind their hearts How she loves him without a fight Her heart he keeps apart Yet has just enough to make it tight with her in his site He drives her anger deep inside Now she wants to run and hide All alone she does not cry Like his servant she will beg Unnoticed he will turn his head How she wishs she was dead

Joke
Apartment Rental A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and Agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he leaves, He tells her that he does not have any cash with him, But he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, Calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam: : Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your Apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I Rented the apartment, I was under the impression that; 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; and 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, That there wasn't any heat, and

Joke
A couple was sitting there argueing.The woman walks up to her man and starts bitchin.Did you get the dishes done.He said yeah i got the dishes done didn't you see.She said well no i haven't been in the kitchen for a while now.He said well how the fuck can you come in here and start bitching at me for something you haven't even seen.She said i don't fucking know.And he said well will you do me a favor?She said yeah what is it?He said will you bend over and let me slide it in and fuck the shit outta you?She said yeah.He said wait five minutes.Ok did you bend over?She said i don't remember.Ok he said did i slide it in and fuck the shit outta you?Why no you didn't.He said and now you came in there and fucking started bitchin for no fucking reason for something i did and you didn't see.he said then now you fucking bitch about you not doing you fucking job that i asked.

Jokes Bored Today
bored today so I thought I would share some jokes with you some fans send me over time. have a good one..Hugs..Lorie http://www.southern-charms4.com/lorie Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba: > > Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. > > Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. > > Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. > > A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bu

Jokes
heres another joke A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. > > The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" > > "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." > > "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. > > "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" > > "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!" > > "What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." > > "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" > > "I used a different cock," he replied. > > The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."

Joke
i don't know if anyone has seen the new " dukes of hazzard " movie but 2 jokes made me piss myself laughing ..... #1 what do you call a farmer with sheep under each arm ? ...... a playboy lmao #2 what do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion ? ........ a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye roflmao

9 Jokes To Brighten Ur Day Lol
Number nine ~~~~~~~~~ A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "Sir, If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." Number eight ~~~~~~~~~~ A young Texan walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will!!" Number seven ~~~~~~~~~~ A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notice

Jokes I Just Had To Post
9 Chuckles To Brighten Your Day hehe Number nine ~~~~~~~~~ A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "Sir, If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." Number eight ~~~~~~~~~~ A young Texan walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will!!" Number seven ~~~~~~~~~~ A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.

Jokes For Females Guys Beware & Remember It's Just A Joke
Men are like.... 1. Men are like...Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like...Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like...Weather...Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like...Blenders...You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like...Chocolate Bars...Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like...Commercials...You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like...Department Stores...Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like...Government Bonds...They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like...Mascara...They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like...Popcorn...They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like...Snowstorms...You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like...Lava Lamps...Fun to look at, but not v

Jokes For Men And Women
WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's

Joke Of The Day
Theres a cat and a chicken walking along by the river. The cat falls in the river and the chicken laughs........................... the moral of the story is, Wherever theres a happy c0ck theres a wet pssy

Jokers Play.
How does it feel, To feel like you do? How does it feel, Do see like you do? How does it feel, Do be dead inside like I do? Wandering thoughts on this cloudy night, Why are the stars our tonight? The time when I need them the most, They are hiding and laughing amongst. No more stars to sleep under, The moon as long since slept, All I see is this bottle and my Old Friend, And I precive a long night ahead.. Good night my friends, And sleep well on this trip, Goodnight my loved ones, Who are long since dead. Dream on, and see the play about to unfold, For I am the joker and this story is mine to be told.. Do you not love poetry on the fly? I just wrote this randomly, let me know what you think. Odd mood, sick, and drunk.. PE@E, -Lupo

Jokes
1. What is the new gay internet address? ---C: enter 2. What did the lesiban frog say to the other lesiban frog? They're right we do taste like chicken 3.What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are You shaking for? She's going to eat me! 4. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning? They have no balls to scratch Hope u enjoy these jokes will try to find more.

Jokes For "her".....
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A: Shoot him again. Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're practicing to be men. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR, Three men -- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy. Q, Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q. What's the difference between men and women? A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q. How does a man keep his youth? A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds. Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails? A. Rename the folder "Instruction manuals." or "Directions" Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 spe

Joke Time
Joke A: In a bar, a man walks straight-up to a lady and says to her, "Can you cook my cock tonight?!" The lady slaps him in the face but the man yells out, "I mean my rooster!!" Joke B: A boy asks his father, "Dad, can I sleep with you tonight?" The father replied, "yes, you can!" Later that night, the boy asks his father "what's that?" The father said, "that's my snake…" The next day, the boy asks his mother if I can sleep with you tonight? The mother replied, "yes, you may!" Later that night, the boy asks his mother, "what's that?" She replied, "that's my head lights…" The next day, the boy asks both of his parents if he can sleep with them?" They both look at each other before saying anything and within 2 minutes they both agreed with their son's request. So, later on that night, they were laying down and the boy with an excited tone says to his mother, "mom turn on your head lights…dad's snake is coming!!!" Joke C: In a farm, there was a rooster that asked his w

Joke
Today is International Weird-Ass People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a weird ass friend... just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, sniff toilet seats or occasionally poop yourself... You hang in there sunshine, you're frigging special.

Jokes
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car. The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times." An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hes

Joke
Body: 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we

The Joker's Wild
CHOOSE TO HAVE A BABY. THEY MIX THEIR SPEM, THEN HAVE A SURROGATE MOTHER ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED.WHEN THE BABY IS BORN, THEY RUSH TO THE HOSPITAL. TWO DOZEN BABIES ARE IN THE WARD, 23 OF WHOM ARE CRYING AND HICCUPPING. ONE , OVER IN THE CONER IS SMILING CONTENTEDLY AND SWEETLY GURGLING. A NURSE COMES BY AND TO THE GAYS' DELIGHT,SHE POINT OUT THE HAPPY CHILD AS THEIRS."ISN'T IT PRECIOUS" RIDLEYSAYS TO PEARSON,"ALL THESE UNHAPPY CHILDREN AND OURS IS SO HAPPY." THE NURSECOMES OVER AND FLATLY SAYS," OH, SURE, HE'S HAPPY AS A CLAM NOW,BUT JUST WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE PULL THE PACIFIER OUT OF HIS ASS."

The Joker's Wild
TO SEE HIS MOM ON TOP OF HIS DAD , BOUNCING UP AND DOWN . THE MOM SEES HER SON AND QUICKLY DISMOUNTS . WORRIED ABOUT WHAT HER SON HAS SEEN, SHE THROWS ON A ROBE AND HASTILY GOES TO FIND HIM. THE SON SEES HIS MOM AND ASKS,WHAT WERE YOU AND DAD DOING?", THE MOM CAREFULLY REPLIED,"WELL, YOU KNOW YOUR DAD HAS A BIG TUMMY, AND SOMETIMES I HAVE TO GET ON TOP OF IT TO HELP FLATTEN IT DOWN." YOU ARE REALLY WASTING YOUR TIME", THE LITTLE BOY SAYS. "WHY IS THAT?", SAYS HIS MOM , PUZZLED. " BECAUSE ...... WHENEVER YOU GO SHOPPING OR TO GET YOUR NAILS DONE, THE LADY NEXT DOOR COMES OVER AND GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES AND BLOWS IT RIGHT BACK UP AGAIN."

4 Jokes
Adult: 4 Jokes! These jokes may or may not be adult jokes! "Ham And Eggs" Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering. One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry. Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes, the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?" Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well, then go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs." =============(Plus)=================== "Women And Sex" 70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none. Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women. Women who read

A Joke From A Friend
No offense blonde's Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said: "Press bell for Night Watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?!" She said, "I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

A Joke
When a Man put his rod in his woman Anus, he pump soft and easy without even hard, But few moment later He couldn't get it out and his woman said " what wrong hon " He said " I am stuck inside your anus " His woman said " oh didn't u notice that I fart? " He said " WTF, Now I gotta go to hospital and get it cut off " His woman said " OMG, Why? " He said " Bec I been through this before, Fart made my Rod thicker and it get stuck inside for longer time until I have it out. But my rod never comes out so I have plastic surgery for it." His woman said " Oh that dont matter, I will always push it out. "

The 6 Joker Cards...
muthafakoo!!!! AFTER ALL SIX HAVE RISEN THE END OF TIME WILL CONSUME US ALL! carnigemoving.gif CARNIVAL OF CARNAGE The first of the six joker cards, the introduction to the dark carnival showing you six ways to look at yourself, on its arrival it first sold seventeen copies (17). This album is the bomb, its full of the original freshness. It feature's artists such as Esham, Jump Steady, and more... ringmaster.jpg THE RINGMASTER The second of the dark carnival six, the ring master is made up of all your evil deeds, and when you die he will appear, the more evil deeds you have done the bigger he appears. This album is tight the songs are hella wicked....... riddleboxmoving.gif THE RIDDLE BOX The third joker card of the set of six, this album is off the hook. Once again after you die, yo have to turn the crank of a juke - in - a - box. As you turn the crank, Its a toy ,and whatever pops out of it is either gonna be the Devil or its gonna be God. You never

Jokes
One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home. The little boy said "No, she is at the whore house". The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush". The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch". The little boy said "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks". ~~~ What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common? They both cost about $100. They both last about 30 seconds. And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man. ~~~ Two out of work Polish bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district. A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?" The bum sh

Jokes On You
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home." One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks. "I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

Jokes'n'jokes
Missed Call Xian and Aryan got tired using cell phones and for a change, they decided to use really ancient methods of communication.They decided to use pigeons to send messages. So they went and bought expensive carrier pigeons from the New market in Dhaka and found to their joy that the pigeons indeed could be trained and the birds very easily learnt to return directly to their respective homes. And so this scheme worked very fine. One day Xian sends his pigeon. When the pigeon reaches to Aryan, it is with out message. Aryan picked his mobile and asked Xian "Why iss this joke? The pigeon is without any message!!!" Xian replyed "Hey man....Relax, this was a miss call." ******** 4 - Letter words? A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Well, said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh mama"' she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic"... suddenly she burst ou

Jokes 4 Da Sell Fons & Sumythang 2 Think About
Money is short. . . Times are hard. . . I just texted you your fuckn Christmas Card. Keep it goin! . . . ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Dis x-mas I'mma put a mistletoe in my back pocket so all my hatas can KISS my ASS. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Wat do u tell da Trix Rabbit wen he turns gay...SILLY FAGGOT DICKS R 4 CHICKS! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Joke
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says.... "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK..How muc

Jokes 1
1. What do Jell-O and a woman have in common? ---They both wiggle when you eat them. 2. What is a Yankee? ---The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. 3. What do women and condoms have in common? ---They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis. 4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing? ---Odor eaters. 5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? ---A Lickalotopuss. 6. Why do men name their penis? ---They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions. 7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? ---Snowballs. 8. What does a rooster have that a man wants? ---A hard pecker. 9. What kind of bees give milk? ---Boo bees. 10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as? ---Speed bumps. 11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? ---They both like a tight seal. 12. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven? ---If it were more, it would be Hell. 13. What has three teeth and sixt

Jokes 2
Betty Jo passed away right sudden like, and Bubba, he called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "Down 'ere at the end o' Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her on over to Oak Street and you pick her up there. . . " A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit! ------------------------------------------------- An inebriate says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender

Joke
It was entertainment night at the SeniorCenter. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, clearly under the spell of the hypnotist, when suddenly, the family heirloom slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. "Shit!!!" said the hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center

Joke
THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY LOOSLEY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY YET FOR ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION,

Jokes About Men...too Funny
The Why's of Men? 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (Because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (They don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (They don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (You need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (Dont know.....it never happened) (Cmon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in y

Joke
Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad,there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says ar

Joke
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.? She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!"

Joke
George and Martha got married. George was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Martha was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees. George was a poor fisherman and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When George was undressing, Martha said, 'Oh George, what is that?' George being very quick thinking said, 'Martha, I am the only man in the world with one of these.' And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, And Martha was happy. The next morning George went off fishing as usual. When he returned home that evening, Martha was Waiting down on the wharf obviously upset about something. 'George, you told me that you were the only man in The world with one of those, but I saw your drink'ing buddy, Fred having a pee down behind the shed, and he had one, too.' Thinking fast, George said, 'Yes, Martha, Fred is me very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is

Joke
You gotta love a good nurse. A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However,the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

Joke
A smart ol' hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck,

Jokers Wild Short Bus Stop Lounge On The Air
Angelic Pleasures Radio Station The Official Short Bus Internet Radio Station * Live DJ's Brodcasting * Live Request * Interactive DJ's * Killer Tunes 24/7 * Contest For Listeners Your DJ's Angel Pleasures Jokers Wild Booya99 Philburg360 KenBad Lacey Slipknot Devil Girl Regular Special Guest Redneck Randy Wolfenstien Click To Go To The Bus Lounge (Stop) Angelic Pleasures Radio Station The Official Short Bus Internet Radio Station

Joke
Among the reasons to learn the English language. As a Texan is walking through his field, he sees a man drinking water from a stock tank with one of his hands. The Texan shouts,,,,,,,," Hey don't drink that water,,,, It has cow shit in it!!!!!!!!!!! The Man shouts back "Soy mexicano, yo no entiendo inglés. Hábleme español." (I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. speak Spanish to me) The Texan shouts back,,,,,, "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguirá más para beber." (Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)

Joke
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when a big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The little guy starts crying. 'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.' 'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy in between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab that I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up enough courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'

Joke
A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago..."

Jokes
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, " In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Joke
-------Original Message------ Subject: FW: Divorce Joke ----- Original Message ----- Subject: Divorce Joke One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95" The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95? The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and. one of Ken's Friends

Joke Of The Day
Dan got a frantic call from his blond girlfriend. "I've got a problem," she said. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" "A big rooster." "All right, " Dan said. "I'll come over and take a look." The woman led Dan into her kitchen and showed him the puzzle on the table. "For Pete's sake Buffy, put the Corn Flakes back in the box!"

Jokes I Like
JUST FOR THE HUMOR :) LOL... Ten reasons men prefer guns over women: #10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. # 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. # 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. # 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. # 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. # 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. # 4. Guns function normally every day of the month. # 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" # 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. * And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman .* # 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN ROFLMAO This guy had a very bad day... A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it d

Joke 1
man was pulled over for speeding down a highway; the officer came to the driver's window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license, and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away because of a DUI." The office surprised asked, "Do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I'm pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put my gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There's a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps towards the back of the car and say, "Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minute later another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly, and asks the man for his drivers license, and registration. The man says "Yes office it's right here" It all checked out

Jokes Jokes
My buddy sends stupid lil jokes to me but they're halarious... Here's two... --------------------- A banana and a vibrator was on a womans bedside table. Banana says to the vibrator, "I dont know why YOU'RE shaking, she's gonna eat ME!" ---------------------- A black baby was given wings by God. He asked God, "Does this mean Im an angel now?" God laughed and said, "Nah nigga, you a bat!" Happy Halloween!

Joke
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

Joke 2
At a recent expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates Reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated :"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comment, General Motors issued a press release stating (By Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down, and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95

Joke For A Sunday To Relax
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. "So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "None. I had a perfect marriage." "Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Only twice, I think," says the second guy. "Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy. "Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford." Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying. "What's wrong?" "I just saw my wife." "So?" "She was riding a skateboard."

Joke 3
Obituary of Common Sense! Today, we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the brink of the Millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools; hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in from rain, the early bird gets the worm and life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution

Joke: Young Female Bakery Clerk?
Joke: Young Female Bakery Clerk? A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male custom

2 Jokes I Found Funny
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye. Why are blondes and tornados alike? At first there's a lot of sucking and blowing, then you lose your house.

Joke
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "How long has it been since you had a good cigar." "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good. I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Ir

Jokes
What's dumb? Directions on toilet paper. What's dumber than that? Reading them. Even dumber? Reading them and learning something. Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

Jokes
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. --------------

Joke
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend. Second guy: That is nothing; I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool. Third guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her. They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him.You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal? Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 4:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: Wear sun-block.

Joke Time
Here is a couple of jokes Saint peter was interviewing this really hot chick at the pearly gates, see. " while you were in Earth," Saint Peter asks," did youever indulge in necking petting, smoking or drinking?" " Never never never!" she protested, see. " Then why haven't you reported sooner?" asks Saint Peter. " You been dead for a long time." There was this old men and this old woman in a nursing home. So, one day, see, the old man says to the old womanm " I bet you can't guess how old I am." She says, "Bet i can." " bet you can't," he says. "Can!" "Can't!" "Can!" ":Can't!" "Can!" "Ok," says the old men,"tell me how old i am." "First you have to take off your clothes," says the old lady. "No way," says the old guy."look, you want me to tell you how old you are or not?" says the old lady. "Yea yea," says the old guy, see, and he takes off all clothes. "You're 84" says the old lady. " thats amazing," says the old guy, "how'd yur guess me age?" The old lady says, "Guess,

Joke Timethe Lone Ranger And Tonto Were Camping In The
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and Says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" "The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beau! tiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" "Ah Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."

Joke Of The Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!" "DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER." HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH." "A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."

Jokes, Jokes, Jokes......hahahahahaha
Body: Q.)What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob? A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded...... Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have i

Joke
Icefishing A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject. And, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed , "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward, and asked , "IS THAT YOU, LORD?" The voice replied , "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

Joke
A man breaks into a house to look for money and food. Inside he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowners wife to the bed the man gets on top of her, kisses her neck then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is a nut case. Look at his clothes and his crazy eyes! He probably escaped from an insane asylum and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you." His wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey I love you, too."

Joke
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara dessert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Fath

Jokes
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this............ A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have,"

Joke
Mr Cabury met Ms Rowntree in a room on Quailty street.It was After Eight.He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic,he slipped his hand in her Snickers and showed her his Curly Wirly,not keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him take a trip up Bourneville boulevard.She screamed with Turkish Delight as he took out his fun sized Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie and she wanted some Time Out and had a Picnic in her Pink Wafers.LMao ..Hope u liked it jim

Joke
there was a cucumber,a pickle and a penis. thay had a conversation and the cucumber said my life is shit. when i get big. hard and juicy,thay chop me up and toss me into a salad. the pickle said well when i get big and fat, hard and juicy thay chop me up and toss me into vineger. the penis said wheni get like that, thay put a rubber tent over my head, stick me into a dark room and bang my head against the wall untill i throw up and faint.

Jokes
An octopus goes into a bar and says "i can play ANY instrument you like" Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix. Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton. Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says "whats wrong- can ye not play it? The octopus says "play it?-Im gonna fuck her brains out once i get her pajamas off!!"

Joke De Jour
Standardising the language. Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study to look at ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult, for example, cough, plough, rough, through, and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by articipating nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. Ther

Jokes
Phone Games She quivered with anticipation, the familiar ring The telephone call that made her heart sing. His voice soft and low, it made her face glow With the soft pink hue that excitement can do. She knew what he wanted, she expected his call She lay comfortably back on soft cushions and all. His breathing was audible, slow and rhythmic Sending thrills through her body no other could mimic. "Is it in your hand?" She coyly asked him He affirmed and assured her his readiness urged him To proceed slowly but with eager abandon His other hand moving in perfect rhythm. His excited gasps drew her into the game He screamed out " Yes!" and his breathing changed To a frenzied rush. Her body arched, her lips parted. As he whispered softly he's only just started. His excitement grew and tension mounted His hand moved faster, the moments counted. "Yes!" she cried into the 'phone as he hoarsely whispered, almost a groan…. "Two twenty's, two tens, two set for li

Joke
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !" The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

Joke
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the biker his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got b

Joke
A lady is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly man. He has a parrot on his shoulder. The man says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you." Lady says: "An alligator?" Man says: "Close enough"

Joke
The Big Horse Race Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosum 10. Merry Cherry At the Post: They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot. At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big John

Joke
Three Old Men Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old. "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded. With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I d

Jokes
*Clean can be funny.* *********************************************************************************** One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing. *********************************************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' *********************************************************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. *********************************************************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply

Joke
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!" The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!" Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,and tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

Joke
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse,who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt,I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

Joke (don't Leave 'em Hanging )
Don't Leave 'Em Hanging Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go

Jokes
Perfect Man, Perfect Woman There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children. One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn''t want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas. Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived. Who died and who lived? The perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren''t real. ************************************************************************ Joke: Confessional Specials A priest is called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional un

Joke1
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Joke 2
There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Joke
Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?" "Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?" "I usually suck on a Lifesaver." After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"

Joke
This Year's First Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the Pearly Gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols." And So The Christmas Season Begins...

Joke
The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall,revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said,"Nice design,does it also come in men's sizes ?

Joke
A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine. The umberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?"

Joke
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Joke
five secrets of a perfect relationship 1 its important to have a man who helps at home cooks cleans & has a job 2 its important to have a man who can make you laugh 3 its important to have a man you can trust & who would never lie 4 its important to have a man whos good in bed & like being with you 5 its absolutely fucking vital that these four men dont know each other x

Joke
8 ways vodka is better 4 women than willies vodka is always stiff it dosent look smaller in the cold it last long as u want it 2 vodka dosent prod u in the back in mornings demanding attention u dont care how far down your throat vodka goes u can have as many vodkas as u like in 1 night without being easy u can enjoy vodka in front of ur mum and last but not least VODKA IS ALWAYS A PLEASURE 2 SWALLOW

Joke
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?" The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!" The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!" The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

Joke Of The Day.
Teacher brought some "deer" meat in for the kids for "Name that meat" day, little sally first spoke up, thats from a cow, teacher! No, Im sorry, but wrong answer. Next little Bobbie exclaimed, its buffalo meat, Ive had that before! Wrong answer said the teacher. Finally she gave them a hint. She said your father goes up north for this every november, just then little cliffie shouted out, "SPIT IT OUT, IT's A PIECE OF ASS!!

Joke
A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

Joke
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

Joke
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last was little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumpe

The Joke Of Death
What have you done, you lying ass bastard?!! You promised peace and quiet not this fucking disaster!!! You spoke of a calming quiet, the cool, soothing dark!!!! Not the wailing of my children or the breaking of their hearts! Yet here you stand... in your robe with your scythe and like that fake God above You only give me more strife!!! A peaceful death, HA, thats a riot A promise of the final end... in reality the beginning of pain that will never end!!!!!

Joke
3 men die on xmas eve,to get into heaven St peter says "you must have something on you that represents xmas.The english man flicks his lighter and says its a candle,st peter lets him pass.The welshman pulls out a set of keys and jingle them and says they are bells,St peter lets him pass.The Irishman pulls out a g-string and St peter says"How the fuck do they represent xmas".Paddy says"they're are carols"

Joke
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

Jokes
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, > when one turns to the > other and says, "You know, I don't know what else > to do. Whenever I go home > after we've been out drinking, I turn the > headlights off before I get to the > driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the > garage. Take my shoes > off before I go into the house, I sneak up the > stairs, get undressed in > the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee > down my leg to prevent > splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL > wakes up, and yells > at me for staying out so late! > > His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're > obviously taking the wrong > approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the > door, storm up the steps, > pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full > flush, throw my shoes > in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump > into bed, slap her on the > ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like > she's sound asleep

Joke Of The Day!!!
Christian Bear An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!" "What beautiful animals!" He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you exp

Joke
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?" The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about ten percent."

Joke
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Joke
BLONDE JOKE OF THE DAY!!!! Blonde enters a store that sell curtains. She tells the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains. The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman asked what size curtains she needed. The blonde replies 'fifteen inches.' 'Fifteen inches???' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for?' The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, 'but, Miss, computers do not have curtains!' The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!'

Joke
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'vo

Joke
TECHNOLOGY FOR THE COUNTRY FOLK LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the firewood off the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not careful gettin the firewood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha get from tryin to carry too much firewood RAM: That thing that splits the firewood HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine ENTER: Northerner talk for, C'Mon in y'all RAND

A Joke
A handsome young man who is wealthy and successful with the ladies now turning 30 has decided to relax, and stop fooling around and settle down and get married . But he decides that his wife just has to be a virgin. So he dates numerous girls and after wine and dine he takes them home and exposes himself. " What is this ?" He would ask the girl, pointing to his penis. She would always look bewildered and say "Uh a dick?" Disappointed he would take her home. After a time he met a shy librarian named Sue, takes her out, same routine, shows himself and says "What's this?" she says "I really don't know." ecstatic he marries her and on their honeymoon night he takes her hand and placing it on his dick says '' Now dear this is a dick." "Oh no honey, a dick is much bigger, and its black!"

Joke
There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

Joke
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the lady workers. After several minutes, the lady worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," she said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, lady," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The lady reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, she said, "All right. Get in."

Jokes
Pussy Eating Frog ------------------------------------------------- A woman goes into a pet store, to purchase some dogfood. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box.....and it says...." Pussy Eating Frogs" - $20.00 each. (comes with instructions) She looks at it for a minute.......looks around to see if anyone's watching her. ...and she whispers to the man, behind the counter..."I'll take one." He packages up this frog, the woman grabs her dog food, and is on her way home. She gets home....takes out her instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1) Take a shower, put on some nice smelling perfume 2) Put on a very sexy Teddy 3) Crawl into bed......spread your legs and put the frog down "THERE". To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps, this scent she chose is not appealing to the frog..... So, she showers again.....and tries another perfume. She gets back in

Joke
Hot and Cold Sex After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.

Joke
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself." "What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated. "Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?" "Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

Jokes.........
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished . A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son." Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I

Jokes
Why do men like blond jokes?? Because they can understand them. What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? - No one knows. It has never happened. Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Wife: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body? Husband: Your sense of humor. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Joke
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and, as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and, after paying Sue the

Joke
A tourist walked into a pet store and looked at the animals on display. While he was there, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant from the local Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 Monkey, please." The clerk nodded, went to a cage and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Gunny, saying, "That'll be $ 1,000." The Gunny paid and left with the animal. "That was a very expensive monkey!" said the tourist. "Why so much?" The shopkeeper replied. "That particular animal can rig aircraft flight controls, set up perimeter defense, and perform the duties of an SDO with no mistakes. He even scored 300 on the Marine Corps PFT. He's well worth the money." The tourist spotted another monkey selling for $ 10,000. "Wow!" he said. "What can it do?" "He's a 'Maintenance Supervisor' monkey," replied the clerk. "He can instruct all levels of maintenance, supervi

Jokes-friday14.07
Sex Education Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!" ****************************************** Stop Following Me! A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP! He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heel

Joke
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

Jokes
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!" Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????" RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing

Joke
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy hushes him quickly and whispers "Don't blow our cover." You're in America now, speak Spanish.

Joke
Officer, here is how THE FIGHT STARTED I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the other driver gets out of the car...and you know how you just get so stressed and everything seems to get funny? Well, I could NOT believe it.. he was a DWARF ! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said, "I am not HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "well, which one are you then?" That's when the fight started....

Jokes
Jokes are funny because of the element of truth contained in them. In dreams, we may access our own sarcasm or humor about our circumstances. However, we may have characters in our dreams that make jokes that we do not find at all amusing. These may reflect our own ambivalence or a need to lighten up because we are not enjoying ourselves as we could.

Joke Of The Day!!!
JOKE OF THE DAY Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - Fireman, Truck Driver, Salesman, etc. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement immediately changed the subject and hurriedly set the other children to work on a coloring project. She then took Little Johnny aside and asked him, "Is that really true about your father?" No," said Johnny. "He's plays football for the Kansas City Chiefs, but I was just too embarrassed to say that."

Joke
63 and Pregnant A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. 'What the hell's wrong with you?' he demanded. 'This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!! The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: 'Does she still have the hiccups?'

Joke
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and Crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the mind is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm129. It said, “Go forth and seek; further up,

Jokes
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-end

Jokes
Dead Pussy An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Joke From A Friend! Lmao
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. " 2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?" 1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!" 2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new- fangled warshin ' machines!" 1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?" 2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!" 3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar." 1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?" 3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker

A Joke To Make You Laugh
A young woman in a coma is moved to a new room in the hospital. After a few days her nurse notices that every time she sponge bathes the patient around her crotch, the nearby monitor indicates that the patient's vital signs increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him she thinks oral sex can revive his wife, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the husband comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and that she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea not only didn't work, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. The husband replied. "I'm not sure, but I think she c

Joke
> > Doctor in Dublin: > > > > A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. > > > > "Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. > > I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". > > > > "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. > > > > The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: " So,Murphy, how was your day?" > > > > Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. > > "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." > > > > "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. > > > > "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. > > "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. > > > > "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts > > in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off

Joke
A woman is making love to her lover in her house during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball a

Joke
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Have a nice day!

Joke
Biker Bar A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind ma n thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Joke- So What's Your Story?
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he l

Joke- Best Doctor Ever!
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daug

Joke- Who Said
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first. The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny was even madder than before. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".

Joke Of The Day
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute girl in his office but she was datin someone else.One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her & said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him & then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast.I'll throw the money on the floor,you bend down,and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said she would consult with her boyfriend.She called him & explained the situation.Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.He wont even be able to get his pants down."She agreed & accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waitin for his girlfriend's call.Finally,after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls & asks, "What happened?" Still breathin hard,she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!" Management lesson:Alwayz consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreein to it &

Jokes
WHICH IS BETTER-THE BEST ENGINE IN THE WORLD IS A PUSSY. TAKES ANY SIZE, SELF LUBRICATES, STARTS WITH ONE FINGER, AND DOES IT'S OWN OIL CHANGE EVERY FOUR WEEKS OR CHINESE MAN CALLS HIS BOSS, ME NO WORK ME SICK. BOSS SAYS WHEN I'M SICK I FUCK MY WIFE, TRY DAT.2 HOURS LATER MAN RINGS BACK. ME BETTER!U GOT NICE HOUSE.

Joke- Hows This One?
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Joke
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree." The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred. . "No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'." Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!" The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"

Joke
A young man goes into a Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida, where he finds a listing for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he asks the guy behind the desk, "Can you give me some more details about this?" The clerk sorts through his files. "Oh yes, here it is. The job involves getting women patients ready for their exams. You have to help them out of their clothes, lie them down, wash their genital areas, and then apply some body lotions. The annual salary is $45,000, but you have to go to Tallahassee.... about 150 miles west of here." "Tallahassee? Is that where the job is?" "No, that's where the end of the queue is."

Joke
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 HAND JOB: $100 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Jokes
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fellasleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A Joke To Make You Laugh
The Washcloth............. Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this! I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointm

Joke
UK -V- USA -V- AUSSIE (POLICE) Question: How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer? Answer: Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and raises the knife and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?' UK Police Officer's Answer: 1) Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! 2) Does the man look poor or oppressed? 3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 4) Could we run away? 5) Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? 6) What does the law say about this situation? 7) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built i

Joke
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK… 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

A Joke
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"

Joke...oldie But Goodie - For L
Ed Zachery Disease A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed

Joke- What Are Those Round Things Hanging There, Daddy?
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first time, her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?" Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here." Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?

Joke
A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Garge, I am goin huntin tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'. 'Yes, sir!' answers Garge. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Garge, how was your day?' Garge told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.' 'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Garge. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the do ctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'

Jokes
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Jokes
JOKES The Son tells his dad he had sex for the first time. Dad grabs two beers and says congrats, got any questions to ask? The Son replies yeah, how long will my ass hurt? We will now upgrade your Sex Life, Please wait searching...searching... Error...no sex life found. Keep playing with yourself. A girl asked her teacher why cows seem depressed when being milked. The teacher replied, if every morning they squeezed your tits for 30 minutes and don’t fuck you’d feel the same way. When you’re having a bad day remember you could be a Siamese twin stuck to your gay brother who has a date tonight and you only have 1 ass hole. The policeman asks the prostitute 'so when did you realize you were raped?' the prostitute replies 'when the check bounced! Today is National “GOOD LOOKING DAY”. So send this to someone gorgeous- but not me, I've been getting this fucking text all day!!! May the crabs of a thousand whores infest the crotch of the person that fucks up your day and

Joke Of The Day.
Ok will be putting up a joke of the day so come back and see what is next. Here is the Joke Of The day for today A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked. "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

Jokes
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around t he house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, the blonde replie

Joke!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time . The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in! " The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy qu

The Joke
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in... P... E... N... I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH

Jokes They R Funny
whats the difference betweena harley and a hoover? the position of the dirt bag. why is divorce so expensive? because its worth it. what do u see when the pillsbury dough boy bends over? doughtnuts. whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog? after a year the dog is still excited to see u. whats the difference between a porcupine and a bmw? a porcupine has the pricks on the outside. whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? beer nuts r a $1,and deer nuts r always under a buck.

Joke
A boy gets on a bus, as he sits in his seat he notice man sitting next to him wearing his collar backwards. So The boys ask the man, Y do u have wear ur Collar to ur shirt backwards?. The man replays, Im a Father. The Boy says well my dad is a father an dont wear his collar backwards.The Man replys Im Father of many. The boys says My dad is father of many I have 3 brothers an 2 sisters an he dont wear his collar backwards. The many replys well Im Father of Thousands. The boy leans over an says, Maybe u should wear ur pants backwards!

Joke- Three Daughters
A widow had three daughters. All three wanted to get married, but had to get married at the same time because thier mother couldn't possibly pay for three weddings. The mother slaved away and saved up enough money to pay for the big triple wedding, but didn't have a dime left after the wedding was done. The mother explained to the daughters, "I have no money left after your wedding so you will just have to stay in my house for your honeymoons." So the daughters each with her new husband stayed in separate rooms in their mother's house that night. Later in the night the mother got thristy and went to get some water. On her way back to her bedroom she passed the first daughter's room and heard her talking. She ignored it. She passed the second daughter's room and heard her laughing. She ignored it. She passed the third daughter's room and it was quiet. At breakfast the next morning the mother asked the first daughter, "Why were you talking last night?" The daugher replied, "Mom

Joke- Italian Stallion
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exh

Joke
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** **"Hello?'** **'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.** **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,** **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now.'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** **A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped

Joke
An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

4/08 Joke Of The Day!!!!
How do you identify a city worker's kids on the playground?.............................. They're the ones standing around watching the other kids play. Kind of cheesy yes i know!!! But it's still a joke!!!!

Joke
So anyone that knows me from "that other site" knows that I love to blog about serious stuff. Mother Nature and the Earth, Demons and such...But since this is my first blog on "the cool" site I thought I would start out with a joke... So here it goes!. Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth both die on the same day and go up to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter was standing there ready to greet them. St. Peter informs them that Heaven is filled up for the day and there is room for only one more person. He tells them that whoever can prove they are the most worthy can enter Heaven and the other would have to go to Hell. So Dolly starts thinking about this...."What can I do to prove I am more worthy of entering Heaven than this wonderful old woman that has ruled lands and did sooo much good while she was on Earth"? She ponders on this for a few minutes and comes up with an idea...She rips open her shirt and shows those huge tits that everyone has been wanting to see for many years.... "Wow"

Joke
Mexican Oysters A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much

Joke Of The Day
A Good Catholic Story.... A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father. ' The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that. ' The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many. ' The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way' The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar. '

Joke
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

Joke
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

Joke
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

Joke Time
a man shouts down to hes wife and says come and ave a look at my clock wife goes upstairs and sees her husband standing there naked wife says that aint no clock husband say no but it will be when you get your face and two hands on it ha ha ha x kel x

Jokes!
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.'' The brother thought about it and apologized. "So how's Mom?" asked the man. "She's on the roof and won't come down."

Joke
Bullshit and Brilliance A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a

Joke # 1
Last year, at where I work, they finally let us listen to the radio. Well everyday I listen to the same station, which is a classic rock station. Occasionally in the mornings they tell jokes and everything and there have been a couple that really crack me up, for instance... What happens when you stand on the toilet? You're high on pot. No it doesn't take much to amuse me but it still cracks me up.

Joke
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, 'WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.' The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, 'You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind.' But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring (of any kind) on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, 'You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So .. do you think we should .. w

Joke
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Suddenly, some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14!!!!!!! bedrock

Joke
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: * You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! * There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. * The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floo r the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going

Joke
Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from years past shopping at the local Piggly Wiggly and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

Joke
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single...?!"

Joke
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle? The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there" and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thin

Jokes
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: What's a mixed feeling? A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q: What's the height of conceit? A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: What's the definition of macho? A: Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it! Q: What is a Yankee? A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A: They both like a tight seal. Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration. Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A: About three inches. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A: The grip. Q: How do you find a blind

The Joke I Didn't Get.
We talked and laughed and smiled she and I almost like we'd known each other a lifetime or two I wondered what I had done to be givin this sabbatical For the first time in years the moon did not grin and it's taunts and jeers had grown slient And it looked at me as a fellow traveller Then I made a mistake I showed a little of what was inside Things changed somehow And the sabbatical was over The moon slowly grinned and began it's laugh as the rest of the night joined in The whole world was laughing, it seemed at a joke I just didn't get.

Jokes
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a >>little perch. >> >> It doesn't have any feet or legs. >> >> The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this >>parrot?" >> >> The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective >>parrot." >> >> "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and >>answered me!" >> >> "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly >>intelligent thoroughly educated bird." >> >> "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang >>onto your perch without any feet?" >> >> "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since >>you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You >>can't see it because of my feathers." >> >> "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak >>English can't you?" >> >> "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can >>conv

Joke
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &; Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the f

A Joke Pour Vous
are you cold? no,why do you ask? cuz youvebeen running through my refrigeratorall day. id rearrange the alphabet,but theres no u and i in team. you know what would look good on you?me know what would look good on me? a red velvet elvis jumpsuit with white fringe and chrome spurs on my boots.

Joke
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- Cars and Men." "What's your name?" she asked. With a smile he replied, "B.J. Titsenbeer"

Joke
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home Unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already. After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have a football.' Man - 'That's nice.' Boy - 'Want to buy it?' Man - 'No, thanks.' Boy - 'My dad's outside.' Man - 'OK, how much?' Boy - '$250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy - 'Dark in here.' Man - 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have football boots.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time ?' Boy - '$350' Man - 'Sold.' A few days

Jokes
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Semi

Joke
A Cajun walks into a bar with A pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his Mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of Its head. The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it

Joke
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph...then 110... then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.' The old gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. 'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.

Joke
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 7

A Joke I Came Up With. Let Me Know What You Think
A priest, a rabbi, and a turtle walk into a bar. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Why is there a turtle following us?". The rabbi shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't know, why are we walking so slow?".

Jokes
A guy and girl were fucking and when they were finished, she started stroking his cock. He said " Oh, do you want some more? " She replied No, I'm just admiring it, I used to have one." My friend John sent it to my phone I thought it was funny

Jokes
A book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY:

Joke
GOTTA LOVE A DRUNK!! A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches 'Can I help you sir? 'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' the man replies. The cop asks 'Where was your car the last time you saw it ' 'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself? ' Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out. ........ 'Holy crap! My girlfriend's gone too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jokes
A PENIS SAYS TO HIS BALLS IM TAKEN YALL 2 A PARTY. THE BALLS SAY "FUCKIN LIAR! YOU ALWAYS GO INSIDE AND LEAVE US OUTSIDE KNOCKING There was a..cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their..lives sucked. The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat,..and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at..him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and..juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a..jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough?..When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber strap on my head,..stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I..throw up and pass out!.

A Joke
Dear Tech Support , Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 . In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as · Romance 9.5 and · Personal Attention 6.5,and then installed undesirable programs such as · NBA 5.0, · NFL 3.0 and · Golf Clubs 4.1 . Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system. · Please note I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate. DEAR DESPERATE , First, keep in mind, · Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while · Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.htmland try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 u

Joke
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Jokes To Offend Everyone
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan . What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have

Joke........funny
Ugly Bride A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, “Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she's ugly!” “You jackass. That's my daughter you're talking about!” the person responds. “Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you we're the father.” “I'm not, you stupid idiot. I'm the mother!”

Jokes
A Texas woodpecker and a New Mexico woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Texas woodpecker said Texas had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The New Mexico woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Texas woodpecker was amazed. The New Mexico woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in New Mexico that was absolutely im-peck-able (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge. So the two flew to New Mexico where the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peck-able tree with no problem. Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the New Mexico woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the New Mexico tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state? Huh? After much woodpecker ponder

Jokes
Economic Stimulus Payment This is a very exciting new program explained using the Q and A format: Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY & Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. & Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. & Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a

Joke
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart! Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So t he bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful blonde genie is standing before him. I will grant you one wish. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating h

Joke
A plane is decreasing speed rapidly downward, the pilot comes over the intercom and says 'i'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to let some of the luggage go'...the plane continues to decrease speed. Again you hear the pilot over the intercom 'i hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start releasing passengers by alphabetical order beginning with the letter 'A!!!'... AFRICANS, ANY AFRICANS?!?... No one answers 'B!!!' BLACK PEOPLE ANY BLACK PEOPLE?! again, silence. 'C!!!' COLORED PEOPLE, ANY COLORED PEOPLE?!?...silence. A black boy in the back turns to his mother and says 'but mom, aren't we african american?, aren't we black? Aren't we colored?' the mother turns to her son and says ' yes son, but today we are NIGGERS!!!... Mexicans go first..' The little black boy turns to the little mexican kid sitting next to him and laughs. The Mexican kid laughs back and says: 'te chingaste guay! 2day Im a WETBACK!!

Jokes
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, What?

Joke #2
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn' t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Joke #3
A man said to his wife one day, I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded,Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

Joke #4
Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked. No, she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.

Joke
a chick gets out of the shower.... slips over... does the splits and her pussy suctions to the floor.... no matter how hard she struggles she is stuck.... so she calls for her bf... he comes in and pulls at her arms but still stuck... so he calls his mate from across the road... they grab an arm each and pull... but she is still stuck.... so the bf says to his mate... u go get the tools and ill play with her nipples.... so his mate runs off.... the gf says... i know he is getting the tools to chip away the tiles but why are u playing with my nipples.... he replies... if we can get u wet enough we can slide u into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper

Jokes
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it. Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Jokes
Ashley, a young blonde woman, was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days, but finally she returned. Her friend, Susan, never saw Ashley looking so sad. "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay. But you look so sad. Why?" Ashley said, "Cause I just can't get a man." Susan replied, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods." Ashley said, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods because I needed to find something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it." Susan said, "I don't understand what you're talking about." Ashley replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage." Susan asked, "So, how is that gonna help you get a man." Ashley answered, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

Jokes
The Ice Cream Joke (A woman walks into ur local ice cream parlor) Hi how r u? may i please have 1 gallon of chocolate ice cream please? Clerk: O im sorry miss but we r all out of chocolate ice cream. woman: Aww well in that case Ill have a half gallon of chocolate ice creams please. Clerk: Im sorry ma'am but maybe u missunderstood me, we dont have ANY chocolate ice cream! woman: OK FINE!! FINE!! ...........well then Ill just take one scoop of Choc Clerk: Wait miss!!! Can u spell the van in vanilla? woman: sure "VAN" Clerk: Can u spell the straw in strawberry? woman: yea "straw" clerk: WELL CAN U SPELL THE FUCK......IN CHOCOLATE? woman: but....there aint no "fuck" in chocolate... clerks: THATS WAT I BEEN TRYIN TO TELL YO ASS THERE AINT NO FUCKIN CHOCOLATE!! Racist Joke (change to ur advantage) Theres an asian, hispanic, black, and a white man on top of a tall mountain, mount killa mojarro, mount killa yo momma...watever!! The

A Joke......
To brighten up your day lol This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat. There is a moral to this story...... In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.' There was a fish in the water thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.' There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!' It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... 'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish leaps for it... That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.' Now, you pr

Joke Of The Day
A little something for you to get your mind off your troubles for a minute! ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'Wil

Joke
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

Joke Of The Day.
Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. ' Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents ' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents !!!! '

Jokes To Offend Everyone
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a

Jokes
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

Jokes
WHAT DID THE LITTLE RED ROOSTER SAY TO THE LITTLE RED HEN? RUFFLE UP YOUR FEATHERS SPREAD OUT YOUR TAIL I'M GONNA HAVE A LITTLE IF I HAVE TO GO TO JAIL. WHAT DID THE MONKEY SAY TO THE BABOON? DAMN YOUR SOUL KEEP YOUR FINGER OUT OF MY ASS HOLE HOPE THIS HAS BRIGHTEND SOME ONES DAY CAUSE IT SURE DID MINE LOL :) SEA

The Joke's On Me
I keep waiting for the phone to ring Yet I know it won't be you; I try to fill my life with busyness Yet all I do is think of you. What became of us And all our dreams and plans; How could you turn and walk away As I watched our castles turn to sand? Do you never even miss me Don't you long to caress my face; How could you forget so easily And You I can't erase? I want to be in your arms again To see the laughter in your eyes; But I guess the joke's on me And Oh! Was I surprised!

The Joker
Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah Some call me the gangster of love Some people call me Maurice Cause I speak of the pompitous of love People talk about me, baby Say I'm doin' you wrong, doin' you wrong Well, don't you worry baby Don't worry Cause I'm right here, right here, right here, right here at home Cause I'm a picker I'm a grinner I'm a lover And I'm a sinner I play my music in the sun I'm a joker I'm a smoker I'm a midnight toker I sure don't want to hurt no one I'm a picker I'm a grinner I'm a lover And I'm a sinner I play my music in the sun I'm a joker I'm a smoker I'm a midnight toker I get my lovin' on the run Wooo Wooooo You're the cutest thing That I ever did see I really love your peaches Want to shake your tree Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time Ooo-eee baby, I'll sure show you a good time Cause I'm a picker I'm a grinner I'm a lover And I'm a sinner I pla

Jokes
>> >> Fourth Place : >> >> A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he >> does, his elbow goes into her breast. >> >> They are both quite startled.The man turns to her >> and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, >> I know you'll forgive me.' >> She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your >> elbow, I'm in room 221.' >> >> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >> Third Place : >> >> One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the >> husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. >> >> The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've >> got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' >> >> The husband, rejected, turns over. >> >> A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps >> his wife again. >>

Joke
An insane fireman walks into the E R unit of a hospital naked with a glass cup on his dick.."oh my god sir"says the woman on reception"what are you doing ???is their some sort of emergency??" to which the man replies "no emergency at the moment..but in the case of an emergency..break the glass and ill come as fast as i can"

Joke
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their Anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that Sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little Something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, Pocket/purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no Long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time To retreat to safety.....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it Home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the Button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the Blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is On the f

Joke For The Day
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human Beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss" and before he could say "Shit," the Rottweiler ate him! The teacher wet her pants laughing.

Jokes And Habitz Sunday Dec 15th
Fubar has informed me that my NSFW blogs can not be posted on my page for everybody to view, so therefore I am posting this to let everyone know where they can find the December 15th issue of Planet of Insanity http://fubar.com/blog/258365# On another note, I am now DJing in the Bad Habitz Fubar Lounge from 10A-2P CST Monday-Friday. Highlights of the Mid-Morning Gig include Trivia Tidbits, Corruptor's Joke Of The Day, Entertainment and Music Information, and throughout the day I'll make fun of a few weirdos that made the news headlines recently. 12 noon CST bring us to Rock Lunch. Nothing but hard driving rock during the hour. Also on a special note Tuesday Saliva's Cinco Diablo hits the shelves in record stores across the country. Check out the lounge starting at 10A Tuesday as I'll have a CD listening party and play the entire CD track by track throughout Tuesdays Mid Morning Gig. All that and a lot more. So go check out the blog and come hang out with me Monday-Frida

Jokes
Why you never question a drunk A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Joke
The Texas Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders . For the first offense, they give you two Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them. Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A. The Dallas Cowboys Q. What do the Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common? A. They both can make 55,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ.' Q. How do you keep the Dallas Cowboy out of your yard? A. Put up a goal post. Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a new Super Bowl ring? A. A thief. Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboy and a dollar bill? A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill. And the best...... Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and a possums have in common? A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Jokes That Lead To Hells Gate !
First god created earth, then he rested... Then he created man, then he rested... Then he created women and no one has rested since! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he aske

Joke Of The Day
***joke of the day****Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

Jokes
10 commandments The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment. .................................................................................................... 20 Ways To Annoy A Public Bathroom Stallmate 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?' 2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.' 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.' 5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shit! My glass eye!' 6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.' 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a

Joke
A SMALL BOY WOKE UP 3 NIGHTS IN A ROW WHEN HE HEARS A THUMPING SOUND COMING FROM HIS PARENTS BEDROOM. FINALLY ONE MORNING HE WENT TO HIS MOTHER AND AND SAID "MOTHER EVERY NIGHT I HEAR U AND DADDY MAKIN NOISE AND WHEN I LOOK IN UR ALWAYS BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON HIM". HIS MOTHER REPLIED "OH WELL IM BOUNCING ON DADDYS STOMACH BECAUSE HE IS FAT AND IT HELPS HIM GET THIN AGAIN" THAT WONT WORK REPLIED THE BOY WHY NOT THE MOTHER ASKED BECAUSE THE LADY NEXT DOOR COMES OVER AFTER U LEAVE AND BLOWS HIM UP AGAIN

Joke Blog
A woman comes home and finds her hubby in bed wih a female midget. furious, she screams "you promised u wouldn't cheat on me again!" the hubby says "ffs love cant u see im tryin to cut down?" ************** Paddy says to mick "can u help me with this jigsaw, it's meant to be a tiger." mick says "put the fcukin frosties back in the box u thick bastard!" ************** Believe it or not, Woman has man in it. Mrs has Mr in it. Female has male in it. She has he in it. Madam has Adam in it. No wonder men always want to b inside a women! Me are born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life tryin to go back between the legs of a woman! Why? BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!! But notice how all womens problems start with men? MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnecologist and....when we have REAL trouble its a HISterectomy!! LOL ************** Blonde wife paintin house, husband

Joke Time Again!! Lol
Accordin to recent studies, blow jobs are the healthiest breakfast because it comes with a sausage, two nuts and a protein shot!....Stay healthy, suck dick!! lol ***************** FEMALE VERSION OF LORDS PRAYER...my vibrator, which brings me heaven! Rabbit be thy name! til kingdom come, thy maketh cum! on earth! or is it heaven! give me this day my daily thrill and forgive me my screams, as i forgive those who sold me dub batteries! Lead me straight into temptation, but deliver from frustration! for thine is the vibration! the power and rotation. forever and ever NO MEN! ***************** Theres been a big bust up in the biscuit tin! A Bandit called Rocky who was Crackers hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon wheel with a Blue Riband, kidnapped a Trophy and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. The police say Rocky was seen just Aftereight by a Viscount from Maryland Hobnobbin a Gingernut. Unfortunately they have not got a crumb

Jokes
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. " When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed, "Not this time.

Joke For Today
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lad

Jokes
Why does the Snoop D-o-double G carry an umbrella? fo' drizzle! What does Snoop Dogg use to keep his white clothes clean? bleotch! Okay...let the tarring and feathering commence. Just keep in mind, I didn't make you read this. You chose this fate!

Joke!
This middle aged man and woman get married... The woman is nude in the bed looking at her newly married husband removing his clothes.... As he climbs into bed, she says "I need you to do me a favor" He replies "sure, are you ok honey?" she replies " yes I'm fine but I need you to be gentle, I'm a virgin" He sets up in the bed and looks at her with astonishment and says " Ok how is that possible?...I'm your fourth husband" She replies.."Well my first husband was a gynecologist, all he wanted to do was inspect it" "my second husband was a shrink, all he wanted to do was analyze it" "my third husband Steve he was well a" "my third husband was a stamp collector, oh my I so miss Steve"

Jokes
Rectum stretcher For those that haven't read this before While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a Bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic Patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work. ''Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' "I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum Stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do? ''Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it , until it's about 6 feet wide. ''And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...' Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs $45.00 Loo

Jokes
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet." So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again ------------------------------------------------- Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, w

Joke
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father. The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' " **************************************************************************** Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is