Fubar Blog Posts 2

A Funny Thought
I may miss my diamond in the rough while playing with stones ... but stones are so much fun to play with. They have so many different purposes. Such as throwing at people who annoy me or piss me off, building walls for people to climb over, and for skipping them across a pond to see them ripple the water. Well thats just a few. Anywho... Diamonds are nice but stones are so much better. Besides sometimes you have to sift through the stones to find the dang DIAMOND in the rough.

Funny Definitions
this one just came up with a question..what is nascar? response..a car with a bunch of nasties in it? (sorry nascar fans) FUBAR=a place where Fus have drinks Intercourse=opposite of outercourse? menstral=that funny lookin guy with the little gee-tar and sings out of key? Muff dive=hey where'd my ear muffs go? skinny dipping=easy better than fat dippin lol nude? opposite of olde? lol more to cum later

Funny Joke
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company

Funny Brittish Laws
Excerpt from Yahoo story this morning. Pretty cute. Most ridiculous British law: 1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27 percent) 2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down (seven percent) 3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (six percent) 4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (five percent) 5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter (four percent) 6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet (four percent) 7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen (3.5 percent) 8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (three

Funny, Funny And It Even Ends In Men
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MEN-tal-illness MEN-strual-cramps MEN-tal- breakdown MEN-opause GUY-necologist AND ... When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS-terectomy. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ? Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day. Send this to all the men just to annoy them...

Funnies
ADULT QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS: by GWEN Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: 1 U.S. leader Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it - we're closed. Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A: To find a tight seal. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P. Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence. Q: What's th

The Funnies On Life
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. ********** Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ********** For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ********** There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ********** Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car ********** An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ********** Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ********** I was in the express lane at the store q

Funny
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a b

Funny
There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Siste

Funny
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She le

Funny
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Funny
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and

Funny
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50. Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50. Hand Job: - $10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

Funny
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

Funny
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Funny
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes

Funny
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit." Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?" "Well ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir, what size?" "Size 53 ... tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes." "What size?" "Size 15 ... double D." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes sir, what size?" "Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am , I reckon that will be all." Well she tallied up h

Funny
President Clinton died of a heart attack as a result of all of the harassment and scandals and entered the gates of Hell. The Gatekeeper greeted him, recognizing the President and said, "Mr. President, you were a good man and tried to serve your country, so I am prepared to cut you a deal. You will be allowed to pick between these three doors. Whichever one you choose, will be the one you enter." President Clinton went over to door Number One and opened it. Gazing in he noticed a deep pit and in the pit was former President Nixon. Nixon was bare naked and running around trying to get out and at the top of the pit were many devils throwing stones at him. His body looked beat up and battered and he did not look very happy to say the least. Clinton closed this door and opened up door Number Two. Gazing inside, he noticed former President Roosevelt. He was trying to move his wheelchair across a rope strung over another deep pit but he and his chair kept falling into the pit, unable to mak

Funny
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well,"said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans bangin

Funny
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00. Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks....... That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. H

Funny
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answer might be! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The questio

Funny
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain." Man: "So what happened that is so horrible?" Farmer: "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." Man: "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?" Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain." Man: "So then what happened?" Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. Man: "Again? So, what did you do then?" Farmer: "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right." Man: "And then what?" Farmer: "I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks ov

Funny
REDNECK POETRY CONTEST The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists-a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was: "Timbuktu." First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: "Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two, Destination - Timbuktu." The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: "Me and Tim a huntin' we went, Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu." The redneck won hands down!

Funny
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2.00 Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:

Funny
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the do

Funny
LORDS PRAYER!!!!!! MY VIBRATERWHICH BRINGS ME HEAVEN RAMPANT RABBIT BY THY NAME TILL KINDOM COME THY MAKES ME CUM ON EARTH WITH EYES ON HEAVEN GIVE ME THE EARTH MY DAILY THRILL AND FORGIVE MY SCREAMS AS I FORGIVE FLAT BATTERIES LEAD ME …

Funny
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time... A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little

Funny
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ri

A Funny For Animal Lovers!
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height. Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. > The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight o ut and having

Funny Stuff
How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids: - Mess Test Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. - Toy Test Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. - Grocery Store Test Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. - Dressing Test Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. - Feeding Test Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending

Funny And True
I received this in email... and i thought i could share hehehe Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about yo

A Funny
When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." "May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed. The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

A Funny Joke
mom calls the husband a "bastard" and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch" and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?" and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen" and then later billy goes outside and listens to his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!" So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?" His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat" and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "shit" and billy said "Dad, whats shit" And then his dad says "Well billy, shit is a type of Shaving cream " and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!" and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?" "Well billy fuck is a way of cutting the turkey" and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says "Hello bitches and bastards, may i t

Funny Quotes
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing When there's a will, I want to be in it. Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over

Funny Thing . . .
It's been a week since I wrecked my car. An I'm guessing concussion did a little more damage then the one's I've had before. The shitty part about it is that my motor skills are not 100% yet. Then again I'm just happy I'm not a vegetable right now. So I know it's time for me to start to take it easy from now on. At least that's all that really happened aside from some bumps and bruises. Plus this whole experience gave me a new found hate for drunk drivers.

Funny Horoscope Today
It's a really good time to practice some of that flexibility you are so famous for. It might be a bit tougher than usual, but don't let that get you down -- things are going to be great really soon! HAHAHA THIS IS TOO GREAT!!!

Funny Letter
AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. - - - - Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you have n't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll

Funny
The Box of Condoms Game The goal is to come up with 5 items to take to the register with a box of condoms to make the cashier raise an eyebrow. A lamp with a small lightbulb KY Jelly A lawn chair a scuba snorkle A gerbil Your turn.....

Funny, If You're Twisted.
one of the factory workers daughters is sitting at the desk directly in front of me. i'm listening to Atreyu and every time Alex screams, screeches, or growls, she gives me this scared look. I mean come on, if Luvy, Sibi, and Nene can deal with this music so can she. So it's just making me giggle to myself to know she's scared of the music. :) I'm not mean or anything... i just find it funny.

Funny Quotes From: Www.innocentenglish.com/
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. OK, so what’s the speed of dark? Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines! Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Excuses are like asses everyone’s got em and they all stink. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. An apple a day keeps the doctor away… so does having no medical insurance. Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired. What we c

A Funny Story
if you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusing

Funny Military Saying!!!!!!!
"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally." Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine... - From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook "The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons." -Russian military doctrine. ...At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side! To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"... "The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily bas

Funny How...
Someone tells you that I take Fubar too seriously but is the one who fu-proposed to someone and is going through the whole fu-marriage process? Now who is the one taking Fubar seriously? *LOL* Sure I have '♥Wife to philly established♥' in my name and it's only because me and him have something far more serious and far more something more meaningful. Oh well... good morning people :P

Funny Sayings...
OK, so Im a sucker for quotes and sayings. I love them....dunno why, but i do..... In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads. Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner. Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. You can't have everything, where would you put it? I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others. Strangers have the best candy. Humpty-Dumpty was pushed! Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their sho

Funny
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster". The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren

Funny Ish???
as she stands in the door way of the vacant building a man turns the corner... broad muscular shoulders... pants riding so low on his pelvic curiousity begins to build inside her... her body quivers as you fantisizes of the immoral things she wants to do to his sculpted body... she winks... releasing a sex appeal that is obvious to even the most naive of lovers... with out a word between them they walk slowly into one anothers grip... their eyes never seize to suggest seduction... as he pins her to the wall and slowly runs his masculant hands up her skirt her thoughts are now a reality... his incredible penis penetrates her... her thoughts are only there with him in that moments... as she comes to orgasm she wishes she would have spent more time on him... but time has gone and she struts her satisfied ass out the door... lol stand!!!

Funny Make Ya Smile
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK... Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and

Funny Shit
Only in America Body: Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER .... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ? Why women can't put on mascara wi

Funny Ass Shit
bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated > conversation. > > The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is > galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: > > "Emma come first. > Den I come. > Den two asses come together. > I come once-a-more! > Two asses, they come together again. > I come again and pee twice. > Then I come one lasta time." > > The lady can't take this any more. "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," > she > retorted indignantly. > "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex > lives." > > "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. > > "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' > Mississippi '." > > $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Funny Stuff
What Starts with F and ends with K A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think

Funny Gym Nicknames
The old Gateway Gym... i had a blast there during the early College days, i met a few older gals out of there... it was a good time... but you begin to get friendly with people and not know there name, just know they workout beside you everyday at the same time and are there for a spotter or so..... i had some funny ass nicknames for people that i observed there a lot, these are funny.. let me know what you think........ Mr Flirt.. this guy would come in, and not workout, just hang out up by the main desk and talk to certain women for a few hours J.R. Walker.... this guy did a set and then would proceed to walk around for 20 minutes at a time... Slow Ass.... this guy would take forever on a machine, he would do a set, but not walk around.. he would sit there for 15 minutes then do another set... here's a good couple.... the name even worked out with the one word in common correlation...........Rainbow Brite and Reading Rainbow Rainbow Brite... she always came in

Funny
'Twas the night after Christmas, his duties were done. Now Santa was looking to have him some fun. His stockings were flung on the floor and the chair, And over the mantle his used underwear. Mrs. Claus was as nervous as a blushing college girl. Watching as Santa's desire did unfurl. "Oh take me, you big boy!" she started to shout. And Santa responded by whipping it out. Santa arose with a big booming clatter. He was horny as hell, his dick growing fatter. "Forget Donner and Blitzen, the elves and the toys. Show me what comes to very bad boys." From the front and rear, he gave it to her good, And squeezed her big boobies to bring him good wood. His face was all red. His heart threatened to stall, As his pearly white nog splattered the wall. "Oh Santa," she cried, with moans of delight. "Boys need to be naughty, to have a good night."

Funny English Definitions For The Dyslexic
Antelope (v): to run off with your mother’s sister. Assassination (n): an arrangement to meet a donkey. Baptist (n): a junior hamburger chef. Basket (n): a short nap in the sun. Circumstantial (n): circumcision on a really big baby. Collonade (n): fizzy enema. Defence (n): something to sit on for people who can’t make up their minds. Diarrhoea (n) a very unattractive bottom. Dictator (n): hilariously shaped, edible tuber. Dipthong (v): to wash a lady's undergarment. Diversion (n): Princess of Wales' version of the events that led to her divorce. Dumpling (n): small lump of excrement. Gastronome (n): small person prone to excess wind. Harbinger (n): hard drinker. Hatchet (n): small, bird droppings that fall from the sky. Headband (n): top of the bill at a rock concert. Hormone (n): the sound a prostitute makes when she's not been paid. Hobnob (n): cooking accident often suffered by nudists. Homophobe (n): strong dislike of The Simpsons. Honeydew (n: women who regularl

Funny
The Italian Loan An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir

Funnie
i have a clean '' a guy said to his girlfriend ''while we've been dating .ive been secretly seeing a psychiatrist.' ''no worries 'she said '' ive been secrelty seeing a lawyer a car salesman and two airline pilots

Funnnyyyyyy
A Have to Read A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their Anniversary submitted this: Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome! !!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was

Funny Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass when out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I sprung from my piece to see what's the matter then out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell I knew in a moment the old fucker fell he filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer he rose up the chimney with a thuderous fart the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart he swore and he cursed as he rode out cause that son of a bitch took the pool out!

Funny
Raise Request...this is funny Body: I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response: Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative-you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

Funny Joke
How Men think........... A woman was in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.' The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said,.................... 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked'.

Funny
The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world. Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road!?!" Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: **1. There's too much inconsis

Funny As Hell
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to bed after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore. You don't want sex anymore, either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, what ever the cause I'm gone. Your Ex-husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life. ............................................................................................................................. Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more pleasant t

Funny Story--true Story
I placed an ad on craigslist this afternoon for something I've been trying to sell for ages (still no buyer either). this afternoon, some smart guy went through all this effort to point out how it could be purchased on ebay for less. long story short, this gentleman either forgets he emailed me about this earlier or is trying to be sneaky and emails again tonight under a different email address. too bad he forgot to erase his name from the header. anywho, here's what's transpired since: paul- id love to kick your fucking ass you illiterate cunt. have fun selling, because you wont. dumbass my reply- wow, not only do you have the high moral fibre of a "life advocate", but you also threaten people with physical violence when things don't work out quite the way you'd anticipated. it takes quite a mature person to display not only those qualities, but also the brilliance to forget to erase your name from the email you created in an attempt to harass me. what would jesus do? i'm gues

Funny Really
funny how everysence the new fubar tab came out that u never hear from anyone that u used to and the ones that are family members weird ... funny how u have new ppl that put more intrest in u then the friends u already have now thats just messed up i am not talking about all my friends cause i have three friends that talk to me and i guess they are the important ones now and those three ppl know who they are and i am thankful to have them as a friend and ones that i can actually talk to , it is friends like that,that i can trust and believe in so thank u tots68,roy, and Y, hope u three have a wonderful christmas and happy new year and i will be back later to visit have some stuff to do, now they are real friends and ppl i would call family cause they do not change thats for sure ..

Funny
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

Funny Ass Shit!!!
this shit is hella funny... Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it. Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Funny And True....
Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothin g. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30? Number 2 In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FO

Funny Sports Quotes
Here are the top ten comments made by sports commentators that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Georgiana from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back." 4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious." 6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" 7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the oppos

A Funny....lol
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.??? The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter oldman, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Funny How People Think
I set here watching the news, reading news, and all I see is crime. Crime rates up a lot at the holiday times. What I find funny is, people will go rob somebody for a little cash so they can provice a Christmas to their child, or family member. Myself, I would much rather tell my child, or family why I couldn't get them a gift rather than tell them "I am sorry I can't be with you, but I am in jail". To me, this would have to be the very hardest thing on a child.

A Fun Night Out
"Well, tonight is the night", as the hot water from the shower massaged my neck and shoulders, I thought "We'll see if this is what he really wants, or get all jealous and a bruised ego or something". "How's it going in there, babe?" Hubby asked. I can't believe that he ever talked me into this. Not that I am nervous, but to seduce another man with my husbands knowledge just seems a wee bit odd, that's all. But if that's what he wants, then that's what I'll get! Hubby reached over and touched my cheek, looking deep into my eyes and said, "I don't want you to do anything that you really don't want to do." "I love you very much." “Hubby," I said. "What I do tonight is strictly for you." "It's not what I want, but I am going through with this because I believe that what you truly want is this. I’m only doing this for you." And then he gave me a big kiss. I walked into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed was the outfit that Hubby had bought. I reached down and pic

Funny Sex Poems
Funny Sex Poems Roses are red Lemons are sour Open ur legs and give me an hour ----------------------------------- Kissing Is A Habit Fucking Is A Game Guys Get All The Pleasure Girls Get All The Pain 10 Minutes Of Pleasure 9 Months Of Pain 3 Days In The Hospital A Baby Without A Name The Baby Is A Bastard The Mother Is A Whore This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!! ------------------------------------ Sex is like math You subtract the clothes Add the bed Divide the legs And Pray to god You dont multiply ------------------------------------ Roses are red Grass is green Open your legs And I'll fill you with cream ------------------------------------ Hickory dickory dock This bitch was suckin my cock The clock struck two I dumped my goo And dumped her to the end of the block ----------------------------------- Sex is good Sex is fine Doggy Style & 69 Just for fun Or gettin paid Everyone likes gettin laid ------

Funny Mall Story
I was at the mall the other day eating in the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenage boy sitting next to him on the bench. The boy had spiked hair, in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, etc. The old man could not take his eyes off the teenager. When the boy had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's your problem, old man? Ya' never done nothing wild in your life?" The old man didn't bat an eye when he said, "Got real drunk once in Mexico and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my kid". The boy left without looking back.

Fun Nite Last Nite....
among thinking about me being a cry baby. Or thinking I am one...since I whine and moan about love...but its my own doing. I realized that after talking to someone in a lounge last nite...him and I are the same. We make things the way they are and I do. I push people away because I dont want the bullshit of dealing with a fuking pussy...and yet I want someone. So yea...its my own doing. I think I may flip out if someone actually went against what I am against and told me they loved me. Like flowers for an example. I do not want flowers...at all. Every time I got a flower, it was from a man who did something wrong. So they bought my love with the flower thing. I think if someone were to give me flowers...or something that I am totally against and said "I love you". I would despise them...and yet...I would probably give in. I have to realize that its just a material possession. That its just my own scroogeness so to speak. LOL. I need to just accept things and get over it

Funny
Results of a recent research show that there are 7 kinds of sex. The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet Someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner For a short time and you are so needy you will Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and You usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner For too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your w

Funny Stuff
SNOW ! *December .....8 6:00 PM *It started to snow. The first snow of the season and *the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by *the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down *from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So *romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! *December..... 9 *We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow *covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic *sight! Can there be a more lovely place in *the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've *ever had! *Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a *boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. *This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered *up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got * *to shovel again. What a perfect life! *December..... 12 *The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a *disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- *we'll definitely have

Funniest Shit I've Ever Seen!!!!
PLEASE RE-POST OR SHARE IT WITH YOUR FRIENDS IF HAD A LAUGHAlright everyone. This has to be the funniest shit I have ever seen. I know it's mean and I would never tell a child anything like this. The guy from My Joke mail.com took kids drawings either sent to his web site or that he found on the INTERNET and decided to give them some constructive criticism on them (I'm sure the kids will never see this) but, what makes it funny is the thought of someone actually saying this to a kid LOL My Favorite one where I almost pissed myself was "It's a bird, It's a plane...no it's a giant blue tampon with blue whiskers" Enjoy them and let me know what you think (please)

Funny Stuff
MORNING SEX Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused, so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Lisa, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Brian called his little boy into the room and asked him to ‘Take this note to your beautiful Mommy'. The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed. Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to ‘Take this to your silly Daddy.' The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today. Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to ‘Take it back to the Lady in the kitchen.' The note read: The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head. Laughing, Lisa answered the note an

Funny
Why is having sex doggie style like driving on ice???? give up??? lol because one little slip and you will fuck up sombodies rearend!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol love that lol hope ya think it is as funny as i do have a great day

A Funny And Different Contest!
I am calling it "The 5 Thinger Discounted Contest!" I have had so much fun with the contests I have been participating in. I decided I have to host one of my own so I can sit on the other side and enjoy the comments and action. NO COMMENT BOMBING! J-Roxx has set a good example with her rates only contest and I would like to go that route. I want something fun and funny that others will enjoy keeping up with as well. So, not the sexiest this or that but instead.... The most creative and original picture using 5 random household items. All pictures need to be SAFE FOR WORK! Some ideas: toilet paper, toothbrush, blanket, game controller. Maybe you fit five random things in your mouth, or tie them in your hair or bathe with them (in a swimsuit of course.) Whatever you can think of that will out funny the next guy. All entrants will receive a gift and 5000 fubucks for playing along! Third Place will recive a 1 day blast and 50,000 fubucks. Second Place wil

Funny Stuff!
found this somewhere and had to laugh! Dear Alcohol, First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco

Funny
.A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this : Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alon

Funny Shit
"your looks are kinda pretty......when your face doesnt screw it up" -the goonies "To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises." -some random website paul showed me me: whats your opinions on kids CJ: they exist but i dont want them for a long time me: HAHAHAHHA "i dream of angels, but live with demons" -crazy guy in law and order Ross: why dont you go lay down for a minute? Me: bc i have shit to do, and ppl to talk too Ross: psh you have ppl to do and shit to talk Me: O SNAP!! "if you ever dream you whooped me, you better wake up and apologize"

Funniest Event Ever In 29 Years...
So imagine an automatic sliding door...and like most places there's two of them...with a space in between that you can wait...that has local newspapers or if it were a grocery place a spot to leave carts... Three of us are together (one pushing me) with a fourth walking ahead of us...at the second door there's a small girl, drunk, talking on a cell phone leaning up against the door... Forth makes the door open, and small girl gets launched through the air, the newspaper stands and ends up against the wall on her back...three of us are in shock at what we've seen, and I get out "are you..." and then I burst into laughter and the rest of the group loses it and the girl gets up and runs off... It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in almost 29 years...I just wish we had video...

The Funniest E-mail I Have Ever Recieved.......
We always hear"the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said

Funny Food-for-thought
Bahaha! Now for the subject most likely to piss ANYONE off: RELIGION!!!! Disclaimer: This is for entertainment only. Get over it. I can't help but notice the nature of society's Blind Belief issue. When we die, where do we go? When we get there, what happens? What if there's nothing? Why do humans have to think they gonna live forever? Before I go on with this, I want you to know that I was brought up practicing the Dianic tradition of Wicca. Sounds wierd, but the basic principal is goddess worship, and there are many. WAITAMINNIT!!! Sounds like Heterosexuality to me... I LOVE WOMEN! Let's start with the easiest religion to pick on. It's the most widely accepted in the world. Countless numbers have died for it. Countless more will die in time. Christianity supposedly teaches us to love our neighbors, no matter their beliefs, appearances, etc., but yet proclaims that to not be Christian is to be damned. I'm generalizing, I know, but face it: WE ARE ALL GOING TO

Funny...
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay f

Funny Love
The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. -- George Bernard Shaw Man loves little and often. Woman much and rarely. -- Basta One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. -- Oscar Wilde For the love of God, folks, don't do this at home. -- David Letterman If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin There's a certain part of the contented majority who love anybody who is worth a billion dollars. -- John Kenneth Galbraith It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. -- Fred Allen I'm tired of love; I'm still more tired of rhyme; but money gives me pleasure all the time. -- Hilaire Belloc It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more di

Funny Or Weird Images I Found This Week (02/02/08)
Some you may remember that I used to do this funny/weird/interesting image blog once a week on my old Fubar profile. Well, I'm going to start doing it again. Basically, I spend way to much time on the internet, and I run across a lot of stuff that's funny or just plain weird, and I'm going to post what I find from each week in this blog. I don't have the time or interest to make this post inoffensive every week, so if you can't handle a joke, go back to Disney.com We'll kick off tis week's blog with "An Open Letter to Ann Coulter" from my favorite new person, Henry Rollins.

Funny Or Not
Sticks and stones my break my bones but whips and chains excite me And everytime you lift my legs,you thrust ur cock inside me. You thrust it in then thrust it out,and i watch as the pre-cum comes out. You lift my legs so very high and thrust that cock so deep inside. I give a scream,i give a shout now thats what fucking is all about.

Funny ???
A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a much cheaper one -- an Asian man named Mr. Lee. The following day he received following report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No fee, Chen Lee

Funny Sex Quotes
What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." ....Tom Clancy "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." ....Steve Martin "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." ....Drew Carey "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." ....Woody Allen "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ....Unknown "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." ....Rodney Dangerfield "My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." ....Bill Kelly "As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen." ....Rev. Sydney Smith "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ....Woody Allen "Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burden

A Funny Thing Happend On The Way Home On The Train!
Had a day planned in San Diego (90 miles south) to meet up with Dad and Peg (evil stepmother) having lunch, the opera at 3pm, then dinner and spend the night... First off, I had to work on Monday in order to have this upcoming Saturday off (days off are Sun/Mon normally) for a 3 day weekend; then, it was pouring down rain...last thing is to hit California's major freeway, the interstate 5 and drive during a rainstorm... you see, Californians have not fully mastered the art of driving in rain since we hardly get any!! Sooo the trusty Amtrak train came to mind... the closest station is at the Angel stadium for you baseball fans... Hoped on train, relaxed watched the angry ocean with the stormy waves, and the horrible traffic on the freeway. Get into San Diego, get picked up, go to the very upscale Westgate Hotel for a $75 dollar lunch with wine and then on to the opera... It was a Richard Wagner opera - 4 hours of BORING! I love the opera, but the 3 of us were so bored and Da

Funny To Me
*Redneck Pickup Lines* 1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you wuz a tree and I wuz a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) **Man: - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman: - 'WHAT?' Man: - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.' 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND the best Redneck pick-up line: 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think

Funny
GEMINI--HARD TO LOVE (5/21-6/21) Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser. EXTREMELY adorable. Good personalities. Loves relationships. Addictive. Loud. 16 years of bad luck if you do not repost. CANCER - HARD TO CATCH THEIR HEART (6/22-7/22) Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being In long-term relationships, if you can actually get them to stick around. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Normally not a Fighter, but will if neccessary. Someone loves them right now, they just dont know it. 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost. LIBRA - THE PIMP (9/23-10/22) Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor. Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

Funny Or Weird Images I Found This Week (02/08/08)
Some you may remember that I used to do a funny/weird/interesting image blog once a week on my old Fubar profile. Well, I started doing it again. Basically, I spend way to much time on the internet, and I run across a lot of stuff that's funny, interesting, or just plain weird, and I'm going to post what I find from each week in the blog. I don't have the time or interest to make this post inoffensive every week, so if you can't handle a joke, blow me. I ran across a metric ton of motivational poters this week. I didn't post them all, but I put a decent chunk at the beginning of this week's blog.

Funny Tales Of Men And Women Thinking
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every guy on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unn

Fun Note: Tag Yer It
The rules are: Once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 weird or random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose 10 people to be tagged. List their names and why you chose them to be tagged. Don't forget to leave a comment thats says "You are tagged" on their profile and to read your latest blog. Have fun! Ten Weird or Random Facts of Antoinette Aka B.E.A: 1. Im 22 minutes older then my twin sister. 2. Im 5 ft my twin is 5'6 3. Im average weight my twin is 400 pounds 4. Im brunette my twin is blonde. 5. I wear a 6 in shoes my twin wears a 10. 6. Im right handed my twin is left handed 7. Ive light eye's her's are dark, 8. I cant stand my toes to be constricted in anyway. 9. I must have candels & insense. Fresh scents. 10. Ive not seen my birth mother in 15 years. She is moving in with me this summer. Tagging: *Frank The BullDog Cause he gave me my name here. *Beary52447, for my first & last H

Funny Jokes
Woman stands in front of a mirror and tells her husband, "I'm ugly. My boobs are sagging, and my ass is too fat. Give me a compliment." The husband retorts, "Your eyesight is fucking spot on" ------------------------------ Friends are like underwear - always a comfort. Good friends are like condom - always protecting. Great friends are like viagra - lift you up when you are down ------------------------------ A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" The guy replies, "Make it 100 then..." ------------------------------ Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass" ------------------------------

Funny Q&a
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it. Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Funny, Butt Racist....
Mujibar wanted his green card so that he could stay in the USA. The immigration officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all of the tests, except one. You must pass it, or you cannot stay in the United States". Mujibar said, "I am ready". The officer said, "Use the words yellow, pink and green in the same sentence". Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar". Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help desk. I talked to him yesterday.

Funny George Bush Quotes
The media likes to make political leaders their scapegoat. News sells better when leaders entertain the masses with their klutziness or foot-in-the-mouth sound bytes. At the forefront of such "comic" public figures is President George W. Bush. George Bush is probably the most quoted American President. Here is a collection of funny George Bush quotes. You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on. We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House -- make no mistake about it. (discussing decline of French economy with British Prime Minister Tony Blair) The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur. This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table. Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we

Funny Drinking Quotes
Funny Drinking Quotes People who have one drink too many can get into a state of funny drunken madness. Little wonder then that so many quotes have been dedicated to mocking the drinking habit. Here are funny drinking quotes that raise a toast to habitual and casual drinkers. Brendan Behan I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started. Henny Youngman A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." George Gobel I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served. W. C. Fields I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. Frida Kahlo I drank to drown my pain, but the damned pain learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good behavior. W.C. Fields A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. Edward Abbey A drink a day keeps the shrink away. Catherine Zandon

Funny Sex Quotes
Carry on Laughing: Funny Sex Quotes Sex can be passionate and sex can be tender. But can sex be funny? The answer is "Yes." Funny anecdotes about sex, especially involving others can cause a laugh riot. Here are a few funny sex quotes that will tickle your rib. Blaise Pascal Thus so wretched is man that he would weary even without any cause for weariness... and so frivolous is he that, though full of a thousand reasons for weariness, the least thing, such as playing billiards or hitting a ball, is sufficient enough to amuse him. Joss Whedon 'Hey you wanna have sex and get married? Ok then...' that works every time! Bill Maher Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. Milton Berle Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. Woody Allen I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. Drew Carey You know that look women get when they want sex? Me nei

Funny Facts 1
Here's some funny facts i found on a website. 1 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 2 If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 3 A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes long. 4 Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. 5 The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the......?!") 6 Some lions mate over 50 times a day. 7 The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmm........ won't go there.) 8 A cat's urine glows under a black light.(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.) 9 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig???) 10 The flea can jump up to 350 times its body length. For a human, that would be equivalent to jumping the

Funny Shit
SMALL TOWNS Those who grew up in small towns will laugh when they read this. Those who didn't will be in disbelief and won't understand how true it is. 1) You can name everyone you graduated with. 2) You know what 4-H means. 3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.) 4) You used to'drag'Main . 5) You whispered the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour. 6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you new which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't. 7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.) Besides, where would you get the money? 8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to

Funny Bumper Stickers
Some possible computer bumper stickers 1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding 2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) 8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. 9. E Pluribus Modem 10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny 12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)? 13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. 15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . 16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. 17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... 18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key 19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! 20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. 21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 23. Pre

Funny
CAKE OR BED A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS............................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO H

Funny Easter Bunny Story
Funny Easter Bunny Story A man was driving along the highway when saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter bunny jumped in front of the car and was struck by his car. The basket of eggs and candy, the rabbit was carrying, went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man, as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. 'I feel terrible', he explained, 'I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it. Children will be so disappointed. What should I do?' The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, an

Funny Or Weird Images I Found This Week (02/21/08)
Some you may remember that I used to do a funny/weird/interesting image blog once a week on my old Fubar profile. Well, I started doing it again. Basically, I spend way to much time on the internet, and I run across a lot of stuff that's funny, interesting, or just plain weird, and I'm going to post what I find from each week in the blog. I don't have the time or interest to make this post inoffensive every week, so if you can't handle a joke, tough. Sorry it was late this week, been busy.

Funny
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Funny Or Weird Images I Found This Week (02/26/08)
Some you may remember that I used to do a funny/weird/interesting image blog once a week on my old Fubar profile. Well, I started doing it again. Basically, I spend way to much time on the internet, and I run across a lot of stuff that's funny, interesting, or just plain weird, and I'm going to post what I find from each week in the blog. I don't have the time or interest to make this post inoffensive every week, so if you can't handle a joke, tough. Monkey on a motorcycle = the definition of awesome

Funnnnn!!!!
So I got to see two badd ass bands in one sitting... Just wanted to tell everyone how great it was... I will be doing a short write up about it on my raginpitcast blog, and I should have some photos to post. Unfortunately I did not get very good pics on my cell and de duh de did not take her good camera. So I have to wait for my friends to email me the pics they took... If anyone of my friends would like to read my work you can look it up on www.raginpitmagazine.com my articles are old because I have been dealing with some health issues, but I am working my way back into the scene. If you read any of my articles look for Stacey Southworth and make sure you leave a comment damn it! I get a lot of readers and accept constructive criticism but I will have all bullshit comments deleted...

Funny Story~~but True
SO SATURDAY I FINALLY DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO CUT THE HAIR..WELL, NOT CUT PER SAY, BUT JUST A TRIM.. MY ENDS WER DRY AND SPLIT, SO I FIGURED MAYBE 3 INCHES.. WELL WHEN I GOT INTO THE SALON, THEY ALL OOHHH'D AND AHHH'D OVER THE LENGHT.. UNTIL IT CAME TIME TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO WASH IT..YA KNOW, MOST PEOPLE SIT IN THE CHAIR, LAY BACK, AND THIER HAIR GOES IN THE SINK.. BUT I HAVE SO MUCH HAIR, WE USED TWO SINKS!! LAID MY HEAD BACK IN ONE, AND PUT THE LENGTH IN THE SINK NEXT TO ME..LOL THEN WHEN IT WAS WASHED, WE HAD TO WRAP THREE OF THOSE TOWELS AROUND IT TO DRY.. TIME TO CUT..BUT WAIT..I CANT SIT DOWN IN THE CHAIR, BECASUE EVEN RAISIN UP THE CHAIR LEAVES MOST MY HAIR TOO LONG TO REACH.. SO THEY GET A BAR STOOL OUT, AND I HAVE TO SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR FOR HER TO REACH IT.. AND THEN CAME THE CUT..OMG..NOW, IF YOU'VE EVER KNOWN ME, YOU KNOW I LOVE MY HAIR..ITS A STATUS SYMBOL TO ME..AND BELIEVE ME, I LET THE STYLIST KNOW THIS..SO SHE WAS SHAKIN AND SCARED TO C

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Damascus
“And Saul, yet breathing out threatenings and slaughter against the disciples of the Lord, went unto the high priest, and desired of him letters to Damascus to the synagogues, that if he found any of this way, whether they were men or women, he might bring them bound unto Jerusalem.” Saul was not someone to rest on his laurels; this uber-orthodox Jew was willing to go wherever he had to go and do whatever he had to do to stop the followers of Jesus from slandering their good name. By Old Testament law, this went up to and included killing them. As long as they stayed in Jerusalem, it wasn’t a problem for Saul to hold the coats of those who stoned Stephen as he did at the end of chapter seven or hauling men and women followers of Jesus to prison as he did at the start of chapter eight. By the start of the ninth chapter of Acts, though, his scattering the disciples abroad required him to have some endorsement from the synagogue in Jerusalem to other areas. That’s why we find him hea

Funny
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 ,but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help! Thanks, Troubled User..... ____________ _________ _________ _______ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impos

Funny College Story #1
Summer of 98 I was rooming with some guys and we had a few classes to finish to get our degrees. One guy decides to order a stripper and talks the other roommate into it. Well I was cheap even back then and wouldn't fork over any $$$ for it. So they were going to pay for me. So this girl walks in, gorgeous face, blue eyes and blond hair and she introduces herself as Mistress Cat. Mistress? So the hair on the back of my neck is standing up and she takes off her coat. Undernead she was covered in leather straps, had a cat of nine tails and was easily 6-7months pregnant! As I'm bailing and going to one of our friends apartments they're forking over dough upfront. About 30min later and some electric coolaide, my friends and I walk back to my apt to see how it was going. As we look inside we see one of my roommates down on all 4's! She was hitting him in the ass with a rolled up newspaper screaming, "Who's your mommy?!?" He'd yell back, "You are!" Hits him again, "W

Funny College Story #2
I had went home one weekend in the summer of 98 to visit family etc. After driving back I come in on a Sat night. All the lights were out, it was quiet and no one's cars were outside the apt. So I'm thinking every one is out downtown Charleston partying or partying at the beach. So I was going to freshen up and go downtowm barhopping myself. It was about 9:00pm. I open the door to my room and hit something hard. I hear this girl's voice, "Ow!" Open it again and hit something again. I hear this girl say, "WTF didn't you lock the door?" So I go into the living room, turn on and the TV. A few minutes later I see walking out of the room the fugliest girl I think I've ever see. I mean damn - I couldn't have hit her in the face THAT hard! So my roommate come out all pissed off at me. Starts yelling and says, "I just lost $200 I just paid her!" LOL! He paid $200 to screw the god awfullest fugliest girl/hooker that I've ever seen! LOL!!!

Funny!!!!!
Your child comes home late every night. It has developed a curious habit lately of listening to heavy metal rock music. It no longer pays you any attention. It seems preoccupied. It spends more and more of its time away from home. You suspect that your child is experimenting with drugs. What can a parent do? Like millions of other American youths, your child has most likely joined a Satanic cult. Though you may be shocked when you realize the truth, it is important to bear in mind that all teenagers at one time or another join cults. It's something that most parents don't want to face or deal with, so they try to ignore it. Discussing Devil worship with your child can be almost as awkward as trying to talk about sex. Now that you run the risk of losing your child to a cult, how do you go about turning its interest back to the home and family? The answer is simple. Children tend to look elsewhere for things that are lacking in their own lives. If your youngster is attending ritual

Funny Txt's
Sex is like muddin, you see the hole, you think about it, you slowly ease into it and once you're in, it's balls to the wall till you blow the motor! Fate determines who walks into your life, you decide who stays and who walkss out Giving head is like eating sunflower seeds. Put it in your mouth, suck on it, get the nut, then swallow it! What is the similarity between a woman and KFC? By the time you finish with the breast and thighs, all ou have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. How can you tell when you're too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and you realize its your air freshener. How do we know santas a man? Cuz he shows up late, eats your cookie, emptys his sac cums only once and leaves while your sleeping. How to keep women happy: Hug'em kiss'em luv'em lick'em be romantic with'em marry'em spoil'em HOW TO KEEP MEN HAPPY: Swallow! A guy asks a beautiful girl, "Can I buy you a drink?" No thank you its bad for my legs. Why do they swell? No

Funny As Fuck
a mumm comment -------------- That Guy I need coffee!) M United States March 8, 2008 @ 8:01 am #50 of 50 African American is just another fictitious term made up by the NAACP to keep Negroes feeling angry and excluded. Niggas who are secure in their roles as human beings don't need that shit.

Funny Shit
A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on. She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

Funny Crap
Texas Logic After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.' One week later, " The Express News," a local newspaper in Texas reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near Austin , Bubba Johnson , a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless. Fifty Year Old Woman A

Funny As Hell
"House M.D.: Alone (#4.1)" (2007) Dr. James Wilson: [to House] So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a swing at you. Can I watch? Dr. Gregory House: [when House's guitar is "kidnapped"] Give it back. Dr. James Wilson: What happened? Did someone kidnap your guitar? Your 12 thousand-dollar 1967 Flying V? Or something? Dr. Gregory House: Where'd you hide it? Dr. James Wilson: I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant. Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, it takes a cri... [stops, then sees pieces missing from Wilson's newspaper] Dr. Gregory House: It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want? Dr. James Wilson: Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants: to see you interview 5 to 7 well-qualified fellowship candidates. Dr. Gregory House: I do

Funny Comment
1 (Jan) - I ran naked with 2 (Feb) - I needed 3 (Mar) - I stabbed 4 (Apr) - I killed 5 (May) - I jumped 6 (June)- I smoked with 7 (July) - I ran shirtless with 8 (Aug) - I banged 9 (Sept) - I shot 10 (Oct) - I robbed 11 (Nov) -I slapped 12 (Dec) - I cuddled with Pick the day (number) you were born on 01 - the trojan man 02 - a homeless guy 03 -a homo 04 - A mop** 05 - Barney the dinosaur 06 - a rock star 07 - Paris Hilton 08 - my lover 09 - a toothbrush 10 - my boyfriend 11 - a glass of milk 12 - a teletubby 13 - the cookie monster 14 - a drunk 15 - a crack head 16 - a cat 17 - a bum 18 - a whore 19 - a condom 20 - a stripper 21 - a porn star 22 - a dog 23 - the kool-aid man 24 - an Easter egg 25 - a hottie 26 - my girlfriend 27 - a bag of weed 28 - a french fry 29 - a lesbian 30 - a bowl of cereal 31 - jezzy the snowman Pick the color of shirt you are wearing White - because that bitch stole my taco Black - because I love marijuana

Funnies
Five Levels of Hangovers One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced

Funny Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (Don't try this at home, ..... maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..

Funniest Blonde Joke Ever
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get Started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over The table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at th e box, then turns to Her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a Nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Funny Tales...
'Lizard Birth' If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !' I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said

Funny....
It's funny I always though writing things out helped. My friends had said it helped. For awhile it did help. Now though anytime I do that it just keeps pouring out like an uncorked bottle. I know it's good to get things out, but sometimes I don't think you can shut off the valve. It's a good outlet especially if you won't or you can't talk to anyone, but I know it only seems to make me more of a mess espeially lately. It's kinda funny to how my friends tell me that's I'm one of the strongest people they know and I get a look on my face like you're joking right? I guess maybe I'm really good at putting up that front cause they've never noticed otherwise. It's just not the case. The only reason it's there is simply because it's keeping out all the hurtful things people say and do to you. It's funny how a word, phrase, or sentence can reduce you into nothing. What's worse is when that comes from someone who is supposed to love you and support you(i.e. your family a

Funny...that's What My Husband Said Last Night Too. :-s
Your Stripper Song Is Super Freak by Rick James "That girl is pretty wild now The girl's a super freak The kind of girl you read about In new-wave magazine" Freaky? Yes. But you're also pretty darn funny. What Song Should You Strip To?

Funny
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line - just one lady in front of me... an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated... She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunatdolla of yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too".

Funny Stuff
1. my husband and i divorced, over religious differences, he thought he was god and i didnt. 2. some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them. 3. i used to have a handle on life but it broke. 4. beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 5. earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 6. im not a complete idiot-- some parts are just missing. 7. nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why- the heck- is the room spinning medicine. 8.god must love stupid people, he made so many. 9.the gene pool could use a little chlorine. 10. consciousness: that annoying thing between naps. 11. being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.! 12. wrinkled was not one of the things wanted to be when i grew up.

The Funny Shit I See On Fubar.
What the hell is happening here? I think people have lost sight that FUBAR is just an online adult community. As much as people say how real they are here. Still none of us are anything more than the pic and name we choose to put up here. I don't get how there is "cheating" for points. I don't get why people point out the possible fakes. Who cares, why do you? I couldn't care less. I like to come here to chat with people..possibly meet new friends. All the rest, is a bunch of non sense. The downrating, the bullying and the "hunting" is complete schoolyard child silliness. If you don't want to be someones friend, dont. Block the ones you don't like. Who gives a shit really? Boys and girls, no need to berade someones profile because you see them "flirting" with someone you "like". We are online, if you like them that much..hook up for real and get over it. Okay Im done. Go ahead and comment :) WOO HOO myfirst BLOG. what do ya think?

Funny One-liners
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Give a man a

Funny For The Day
start from bottom: ->Kirk: just kidding . april fools Kirk: fuck no faggot meet ignore ->Kirk: you wanna see some pics of it? Kirk: ewww ->Kirk: yes Kirk: u have a dick? ->Kirk: you make mine hard to Kirk: u got my dick hard ->Kirk: mmm back at ya Kirk: mmmm

Funny Shit
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I p * ssed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move' 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....'Da-ad.....' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?' 'No, You had your chance. Lights out. ' Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....' 'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??' ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!' Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT!' 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?' 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it

Funny Names
So in the past 5-10 minutes, I've had a lot of people checking me out and rating me and some of these names made me laugh. I thought I would share. · Whos your daddy! rated your photo a '10'! · Chicks Hate Me rated your photo a '10'! · Dontcryemofag rated your photo a '10'! (The last one made me think of Pitbull LOL.)

Funny Poem
They like it hammered they like it sober they like it with bags on your head they like it in a water bed they like it while driving they like it, lights off they like it, lights on they like it on the lawn they like it in traffic they like it in front of the tv they like it on the tv as long as you ain't got no std

Funny Joke
Story of a daughter & her father..... One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

Funny 9-1-1 Calls
Validity not verified. . . Funny 911 Calls Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my hamand cheese sandwich . Dispatcher : Excuse me? Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher : Was anything else taken? Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same

Funny, He Doesn't Look 70 ...
“Science fiction fandom began in the 1930s, and two such fans were Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, the former a writer, the latter an artist. From their singular passion came the ultimate science fiction creation, Superman, ‘that strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with power and abilities far beyond …’ No reason to continue; you know the rest. EVERYONE knows the rest.” Well, maybe Superman has become that ubiquitous in popular culture, but how much the average reader knows about that other planet he originally came from depends what source you use. Kevin J. Anderson seems to borrow liberally from the movies in describing Krypton in “The Last Days of Krypton” (ISBN 9780061340741), making its cities crystalline and portraying the main characters of Jor-El, Lara, and Zod among others as real people. If I subscribed to the extreme conspiracy theories some super-liberals seem to, you could almost seem this book as an allegory of the September 11 world, before, du

Funny Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release). ---------------------------------------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ---------------------------------------------------------- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." ----------------------------------------------------------- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. ---------------------------------------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ---------------------------------------------------------- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. -----------------------------------------------

Funny But True
The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the moneywill go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan... and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US. Thank you for your help & please support the us.

2funny
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

Funny Funny Funny
The IRS decides to audit Boudreaux, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Boudreaux shows up with his attorney Thibodeaux. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' 'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Boudreaux. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Boudreaux says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.' Boudreaux removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Boudreaux says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' The auditor can tell Boudreaux isn't blind, so he Takes the bet. Boudr

Funniest Divorce Letter
Dear Wife: I ' m writing you this letter to tell you that I ' m leaving you forever. I ' ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn ' t eve n notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don ' t tell me you love me anymore; you don ' t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you ' re cheating on me or you don ' t love me anymore; whatever the case, I ' m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don ' t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has mad

Funny Sh#t
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS One day God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have some Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested.' So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have some Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.' Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have some Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.' Then He went to the French and said, 'I have some commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.' Final

Funny Test Answers From Children - Mainly Science And Health
* When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. * For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops. * For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. * For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. * For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat. * We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. * If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. * There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days. * Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. * A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. * To collect

Funny
Mayonnaise Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo. WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?

Funny
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra? asked the clerk. Type? inquires the man, There is more than one type? Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The sales lady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills. They forgot the German

A Funny...
Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. Number 1 TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. Number 2 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? Number 4

Funny Blogs
Body: Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married. (If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor) The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls. ' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, i n order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got a

Funny Joke
Three racehorses were standing in a stable bragging to each other one day. The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them." "That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!" The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!" Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!" The horses look down and sees a greyhound. "I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!" The horses look at the dog in amazement. One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"

Funny Kids...
While walking with my 3 year old grandaughter, she picked something up from the ground and was going to put it in her mouth. I asked her to please throw it in the trash and to never pick up anything on the ground and put it in her mouth. She said " why crazy granny?" I said " because it's dirty and it has germs." She looked up at me with complete admiration and asked " WOW how do you know so much ?" Thinking fast i said " cause i had to take a mommy test before i could have your mommy. "If you dont pass the mommy test , they wont let you be one." She was evidently thinking very hard about this for two or three minutes and all of a sudden she stopped, looked up at me and said " I get it now crazy granny , "The ones that dont pass the mommy test have to be the Daddy, right granny ?" I just looked at her an smiled and said " EXACTLY"

Funny Comments
Ok, so I sat back and realized.. I'm seriously a strange girl... you wouldn't think I'd be as nice as I am, but after reading my comments to my best friend, I think I need help -giggles- But, she's just as warped as I am. Here are some of the comments I've left her: Is it wrong to wish for someone to get ass raped by a Saint Bernard? My sanity has been raped and skull fucked. Sounds like a party eh? May 22, 2008 @ 11:12 pm So yeah, after some thought, I've come to the conclusion that the fucker with the goo goo dolls hair cut was probably sucking dick everytime I talked to him(fuck you Greg)I don't know why he doesn't just sling open the closet door and leap the fuck out. Maybe he's hiding in the closet from all the vaginas in the world. He's a prepubecint Boy George with blonde hair that sucks dick while entranced by the music of My Chemical Romance. May 8, 2008 @ 10:35 pm *MEMO* If you hate someone, They will probably fuck the shit out of you and i

Funny
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED... 10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 8. The cat is on Valium. 7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated. 5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners. 3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates. TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS... 10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing t

A Funny
A man and a woman were sound asleep.. It was about 3 in the morning,when all of a sudden a loud noise came from outside. The woman,still half asleep,jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,"Oh my God,Sh*t"! "That must be my husband!" So the man, leaped up out of bed,he was very scared and very naked and then he jumped out the 2nd story window like a crazy man..Very dazed,confused,and in quite a bit of pain as he was sprawled on the ground,he slowly got up and tried his best to run,but fell into a rose bush full of thorns,still in panic mode,he stood Up,untangled himself from all the thorns and ran as fast as he could to his car. A few minutes later he was more awake and came to his senses and returned to the house, screams at the woman "I'm your're husband, you f*ckin SL*T! Then the woman yelled back, "Yeah?" "So then why were you running??? You Son of a *B*tch!""

Funny
Law of Mechanical Repair. After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop. Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Laws of Probability . The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone. If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi . If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law . If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath . When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters. The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. Law of the Result. When yo

Funny Kid Endings
Kid's Finishing Sayings A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great: As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up. Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader. Strike While The... Bug Is Close. It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time. Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites. You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How? Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty. No News Is... Impossible. A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr. You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math. If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning. Love All, Trust.. Me The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs. An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax. Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution. Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents! A Penny Saved Is... Not Much. Two's Company, Three's... The Muskete

Funny
The 11th Husband A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be". "Husband 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me". "Husband 3 was from Field Engineering & Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up". "Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver". "Husband 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method". "Husband 6 was from Administration; he thought

Funny Chart Messups...
(1)... Patiient refused autopsy. (2)... Patient has no previous history of suicides. (3)...Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. (4)... She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. (5)... Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year. (6)... On the second day the knee was better, on the third day it disappeared. (7)... The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also apppears to be depressed. (8)... Discharge status: Alive but without permission. (9)... Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia for lunch. (10)... She is numb from her toes down. (11)... While she was in E.R., she was examined, X-rated, and sent home. (12)... I saw your patient today who is still under our car for physical therapy. (13)... She stated she had been constipated most of her lif until she got a divorce. (14)... The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me

Funny Auto Claim Excuses
These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company. People are asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident. 1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. 2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it. 3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. 7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. 8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. 9. As I

Funny Enough
I actually liked the new Rocky Balboa movie. I'm serious. It wasn't nearly as cheesy as the first 19 Rockys. It *might* have had something to do with Milo Vitimiglia playing the son. But since he wasn't in it all that much, I don't know. I'll have to watch it again tonight to be sure. Is it weird that Sly totally endeared himself to me in the scene where he cried? I wanted to hug him. And Jay, since we're on movies, you're right, PSH redeemed himself in Charlie Wilson's War. But only slightly.

Funny But True
Think YOUR girls have got it going on? So-Cal, Miami, New York? You think Montana Girls are nothing but corn fed Hillbilly Women? Well, let's take a look at the facts. You may not agree with any of these, but that's OK. If we really cared what you thought we'd act like the twigs you all worship. CITY GIRLS: Require chocolate, roses, dinner at a top notch restaurant and a night at the theater for it to be an acceptable first date. MONTANA GIRLS: Require nothing out of the ordinary. Seriously. Take us paint balling with a group of friends for a first date if its warm. Or take us mudding. We also like sledding with your little siblings in the winter. Or! If the time of year is right! Take us gopher hunting! Just don't cry when we kill more than you. CITY GIRLS: Have a set vision of what they ideal mate is going to look like. His hair is going to be 'dreamy'... his clothes 'designer'... his skin 'flawless'... his smile 'megawatt'... if he's a bit of an ass that's fine, he's hot an

Funny
1.The north has restrooms,Alabama has front porches. 2.The north has switchblades,Alabama has press on nails. 3.The north has double last names,Alabama has double first names. 4.The north has EMT.,Alabama has an (amalance). 5.The north has soda pop,Alabama has Co-Cola's. 6.The north has dating services,Alabama has family reunions. 7.The north has lobsters,Alabama has craw-dads. 8.The north has martini glasses,Alabama has one BIG jug. 9.The north has lawn ornaments,Alabama has trucks on blocks. 10.The north has step-moms,Alabama has sister moms. lmao sad part is ... this is true for most parts of Alabama.. just had to share it .. please comment

Funny Shit
HOW MANY CALORIES DO WE BURN DURING SEX The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual. EXAMPLES: 1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake. 25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms. 53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries. 53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings. PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned) ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3 Decanting the wine: 4 Without a corkscrew: 268 MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If

Funny Stuff You Wanna Say But Can't
Got this in an email today.. enjoy I did 1. I see the fucked-up fairy have visited us again. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'll try being nicer when you try being smarter. 6. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 7. I don't work here. I'm just a consultant. 8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a thing you're saying. 9. I can see your point, but you're still full of shit. 10. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 11. You're validating my inherent fear of strangers. 12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 13. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 14. Thank you. We are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 15. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you're an artist. 1

06/27/08 Funnies Check Back Things May Be Added
What did the bra say to the hat? "You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift." Cooter™ Definitions of the Week! 1. cooter back When you can see a womans inner butt cheek from standing in front of her. The butt cheek behind her cooter. Most of the time it is when women are wearing really tight, really short shorts. In a Sentence: When she was standing on stage the audience had a very clear shot of her cooter back.

A Funny Womans Poem
AND JUSTLY SO, I SAY!!! A Woman's Poem He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake, He said my biscuits were too hard Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him... Like his mother used to do.

A Funny
Officer, this is how the fight started... I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault. So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . .. And you know how you just get sooo stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny? Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?' ..............and that's when the fight started...

Funny But True!
MEN vs Women NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each Other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, Even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything Smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, Shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A Man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the

Funny...
This is an e-mail from my friend Troy. I haven't spoken to Troy in YEARS...Just happened to wonder what the hell happened to him, when outta no where he finds me on MySpace... He always was a charmer! **************** That was some funny shit angi....still make you puke.... :)) That one had me rollin'! It's weird that you thought of me, and then I pop up from under my rock. Some sort of repressed sexual lust I think. :-P So, what the hell is new with you? Besides all that inkwork? Stars on your neck? What's next, purple horse shoes, blue diamonds? You used to be smokin' hott! What the hell happened? Oh, Father Time has not been good to you! Nothin but love for 'ya!

Funny :), But True :(
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start

Funny
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautifulwoman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gatheringup his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with youfor a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No,I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the baris now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassedand he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him andapologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorryif I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate studentin psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Whatdo you mean, $200?"

Funny
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.' The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought

A Funny!!
If you've read or heard this, please pardon the repetition. A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when rented the apartment, I was under the impression that; 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; and 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat

Funny Baby Joke.......lmao
The Career Ambitions of Babies There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up. The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky." The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!" The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

Funny!
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same. "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate. "Yes. You have no ears." He quickly eliminated the first candidate. "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate. "Yes. You have no ears." He quickly eliminated the second candidate. "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate. "Yes. You're wearing contacts." Thinking he had found the

Funny
My friends brother posted this on his MySpace Bulletin...He's funnier than hell/well at least I think so :P Anyway, if you have my same sense of humor then this is worth a read/laugh :D Date: Jul 24, 2008 8:36 PM Subject: I'm not gay. I just like weiners. Body: 1) Do you have a dirty mind? no, i have a dirty butt 2) Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? yeah...sex with a girl. that's icky!! 3) What do you look forward to most in the upcoming months? sex with dudes 4) Who are you thinking about right NOW? Rico...he's got the right touch. 5) Who is the last male(s) you rode in a car with? well...I rode Bobby Lite IN a car....that count? 6) Who is the last person to make you laugh? When? Myself like 10 min ago...I got out of the shower and saw myself naked. what a hoot. 7) Have you ever been stalked? I prefer to do the stalking 8) Do you think you will be married by the time you are 35? by the time i'm 35 th

Funny Thoughts
"Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil." Crazy is a relative term in my family! Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich. "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." "Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to." Procrastinate now, don't put it off. Boys make good pets! Princess in training! At least I can still smoke in my car Caution, Blind Man Driving. "Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make." All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day! "To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan "No BLOOD no foul." "Life's an Ocean, Sail It" "We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you! I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Funny
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm happily married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it a beautiful night? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Funny
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.' Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was eve

Funny
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT !! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked. I hope this brings a smile

Funny? Maybe?
This morning I had a rather random convo with Ms. Ruby: Ruby: When are the Olympics over? Me: I don't know. I hope soon though, I'm sick of all those Olympics MuMMS. Ruby: I thought they were supposed to only last a week or so. Me: You know what it is? They're trying to find something Michael Phelps can't win a medal in. They're gonna be like, "Dude. Come on. Spelling Bee." Ruby insists that was mean.... I guarantee you she's still laughing about it. =]

Funny
the following came from a mother in Austin Texas(honest&no kidding) things she learned from her children 1.A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft house 4inches deep 2.If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades they can ignite 3.In a crowded restaurant , a 3 yr olds voice is louder than 200 adults 4.If you hook a dog leash over a cieling fan,the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape 5.when using a cieling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times to get a hit 6.the glass in windows9even double pain)doesnt stop a baseball hit by a cieling fan 7.when you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" its already to late 8.brake fluid mixed with clorox makes smoke and lots of it 9.certain leggos will pass through the digestive tractof a 4 yr old 10.play doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence 11.super glue is forever 12.no matter how muc

A Funny Joke!
Why you shouldn't take your husband shopping. Take note: BANNED FROM WALMART........... This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart. Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2 .. July 2: Set all the

Funny Games
Funny Games is classified as a horror story. It's not a classic horror story, more along the lines of Hitchcock, instead of Romero. Tim Roth, Naomi Watts, and their son Deven Gearhart are vacationing at the lake. Just like the rest of us, they're gonna put the skiff in the water, and have a week of sailing and fun. George, Ann, and Georgie are the typical happy family. It seems like they try to plan it so that they're there with their neighbors, and have golf outings, and grill out, and boat, and basically have a great upper class vacation every year. Until Ann answers the door, and Paul is there. He claims he's the nephew of the neighbor, and that they need to borrow eggs. It all goes downhill from there. Peter shows up, Paul's partner, and all hell breaks loose. What ensues next is 12 hours of torture for the family. I won't spoil it, but there are some very odd, sneakily creepy parts, that I'm still thinking about. Let me say this though, the creepiest part...it

2 Funny
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As s

*funny Girl Is The Birthday Girl Today*
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUNNY GIRL...THIS IS A HOMEMADE MADE FROM SCRAP CARD FOR YA ...=) ADD, FAN, N RATE THE HELL OUT OF THIS WONDERFUL GIRL AND VERY FUNNY FRIEND...SHE IS ONE FRIEND WE WISH WE ALL HAD. Funny Girl~~Read profile before going any further~~@ fubar

Funny
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.. A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k'?

Funny Stuff
LETS BE NAUGHTY REPLY IN A PRIVATE MESSAGE. DONT BE AFRAID. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO WILL REPLY OR WHAT ANSWERS THEY WILL GIVE. LET THE FUN BEGIN........ Your Name: Age: Favorite position: Do you think I'm cute/ pretty? Would you have sex with me? lights on or off? Would you have to be drunk? Would you take a shower with me? Have you ever thought about having sex with me? Would you leave after or stay the night? Do you like cuddling afterwards? Condom or skin? Have sex on the first date? Would you kiss me during sex? Do you think I would be good in bed? Would you use me as a booty call? Can I use you as a booty call? Can we take pictures of the act? How long would we have sex? Would you tell your friends about me? Would you want me for a b/f , g/f or friend? Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE SEND THIS BACK TO YOU! EVEN IF YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND O

Funny....
...myself and Ruby are getting a chuckle out of something right now. Its great to be able to share a joke with someone... a joke that pretty much just happened. :D Instead of being angry, i'm giggling.... Thank you Norma Jean!

Funny As Fuk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide.You will be

Funny Stuff
In Pharmacology, all drugs have 2 names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of Acetaminophen..Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amocicillin. And Advil is also called Ibuprofin. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of..Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were...Mycoxafailin...Mydixadroopin..Dixafix..and of course...Ibepoken. Pfizer corp. announced today that viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviosly we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails". "highballs".and just good old fashioned soft drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO. Th

Fun Newspaper Ads
These were actual newspaper ads - have a laugh today >> >> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. >> 8 years old. Hateful little >> bastard. Bites! >> >> FREE PUPPIES: >> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky >> neighbor's dog. >> >> FREE PUPPIES.. >> Mother, AKC German Shepherd. >> Father, Super Dog...able to leap >> tall fences in a single bound. >> >> FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. >> Looks like a rat . Been out a >> while. >> Better be a big reward. >> >> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. >> Also 1 gay bull for sale. >> >> NORDIC TRACK >> $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. >> >> GEORGIA PEACHES >> California grown - 89 cents lb. >> >> JOINING NUDIST COLONY! >> Must sell washer and dryer $300. >> >> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. >> Worn once by mistake ... Call >> Stephanie. >> >> And the best one: >> >> FOR SALE BY OWNER: >> Complete set of Encyclopedia >> Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. >> $1

Funny Mum Comment From(lil Shortround)
THIS IS A MUM COMMENT I PULLED FROM A MUM TITLED WHAT SHOULD I DO IF YOU GET THE CHANCE YOU ALL NEED TO CHECK IT OUT... ITS TOO FUNNY TO PASS UP...CHECK IT OUT... NICE ONE LIL SHORTROUND... Twat was that you say ?? I cunt here you ! I have an ear inFUCKtion!!! http://www.fubar.com/mum.php?id=477653

Funny
what cuss words really mean Lying to Your Child..Fucks You over! (Read This) Nightmare* The mom calls the husband a "bastard" and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch" and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?" and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen" and then later billy goes outside and listens to his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!" So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?" His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat" and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "shit" and billy said "Dad, whats shit" And then his dad says "Well billy, shit is a type of Shaving cream " and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!" and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?" "Well billy fuck is a way of cutting the turkey"

Funniest Thing..ever!!
This is an actual letter from an Austin , TX woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.

Funny Story
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.' In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you cer tainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.' To take your mind of

Funny Yet Sad. Mea Culpa
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. Â“This is the worst day of my life,Â” says the little guy between sobs. Â“I can't do anything right.Â” Â“I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.Â” When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

The Funniest Thing
The funniest thing here is that I use to receive a lot of private messages with compliments, kisses, enthusiastic approvation and so on for my NSFW pictures, and a VERY few comments (I mean, comments that are readable by anyone) from my friends (who are the only people allowed to see my pictures - pics featuring my face, of course). It seems that my friends do have problems in showing explicitly they like my pics. They prefer to tell me in private. Funny and strange at the same time, especially on a website where a lot of people upload NSFW pictures. And what's more important, knowing that many of my friends have NSFW pics on the site as well, lol.

A Funny
i checked my e mail one morning and woke up to this....my aunt wrote this. i thought it was hilarious. take the time to read it all you might get a kick out of it!!! enjoy! Sitting and staring at nothing on your computer screen? Glassy-eyed from your fitful or total lack of sleep? Puzzled over the direction (or lack of) that your life is taking? Mindlessly going through your day? Wondering when the caffeine will jump start your brain? Well, Friend, welcome to the wonderful and cloudy State of Confusion...THE place to be if you simply don't have the strength to be somewhere else! Yes, Friend, here in our State, we welcome with open arms your feelings of being adrift. Hey! Here in Confusion WE ALL are adrift....we have no idea where we are or what will happen in the next few minutes, days, months, etc. And you too can join us here, in the place where nobody has a clue about anything. And isn't it a comfort to know that you can enjoy the company of countless others t

Funnel Cake
FUNNEL CAKE · 3 to 4 cups of flour · 3 eggs · 2 cups milk · 1/4 cup sugar · 2 teaspoons baking powder · 1/2 teaspoon salt · powdered sugar for topping · vegetable oil for deep frying - heat to 375 degrees Beat the eggs, then add the sugar and milk. Sift 2 cups of flour, the salt, and the baking powder and add to the milk, sugar, and egg mixture. Mix while adding more flour until the batter is smooth and not too thick. The funnel should have an opening of at least 1/2 inch and be able to hold around a cup of batter. Put your finger over the bottom and add about a cup of batter. Remove your finger and allow the batter to pour into the center of the oil. Be careful, the oil may splash! Gradually swirl the batter outward in a circular motion, or criss-cross back and forth to make a cake about 7 or 8 inches round. We used to draw our initials to personalize our cakes! Check it with a pair of tongs and turn it when the bottom becomes golden brown. When both sides ar

Funny
I'm curious to see if there is anyone on MY Friends list that have the guts to repost this, answering the questions themselves. . . . . . . . . (1) Is there anyone on your top friends list you would have sex with? (2) Sex in the morning, afternoon or night? (3) Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? (4) Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? (5) Shower or bath while having sex? (6) Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? (7) Do you love someone in your friends list? (8) Love or Money? (9) Credit cards or cash? (10) Have you ever wanted a best friend? (11) Camping or a 5 star hotel? (12) Where is the weirdest place you have had sex? (13) Would you shave your entire body (including your head)? (14) Have you ever been to a strip club? (15) Ever been to a bar? (16) Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? (17) Ever been so drunk someo

Funny Thing Happen On I-90
90 fucking days People I repeat Addict name Carlton has 90 fucking days and I must snitch. Just before I started writing this in disclosed located at 1:10 am I finally got a moment of clarity. The disease manifest to me I was on the verge of using. I made it a liar once again. See one of the participants that is again being held hostage in the house and it is not against her will, started working again. She strolled or crept back to her old surrounding. She getting paid under the table and this enables her to creep back out and dip and not dab with her drug of choice. Now this same person I knew for a while and the same thing for her drug of choice, I knew it longer. And the funny thing about it I heard it whisper to me, as a matter of fact I felt the disease trying to intervene with my serene and clean space through out my today. When I heard I would be alone tonight with the animals and they would be roaming around freely my insanity side started roaming around looking for me. I m

Funny Sh*t!
The Sensitive Man A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share

Funny As Hell
A Drunk > A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling > back and forth. > > A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, > 'Can I help you Sir?' > > 'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies. > > The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?' > > 'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies. > > About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging > out of his fly for all the world to see. > > He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?' > > Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without >

Funny In Flight Announcements
1. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 2. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbe

A Funny Joke
Salesman from Montana A young guy from Montana moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Montana.' Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. ' His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. 'How many customers bought something from you today?' The kid says, 'One.' The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?' The kid says, '$101,237. 65.' The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?' The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I as

Funny Thoughts To Ponder
Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs? At a movie theater which arm rest is yours? What is Satan's last name? Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don't have toes? If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony? Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"? If you dug a hole through the center of the earth,and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity? If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin? If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"? Do they bury people with their braces on? How far east can you go before you're heading west? How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion? Do dentists go to other d

A Funny :d
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to.....' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn'

Funny Little Happenings
I've worked with/in the computer industry for about ten years now (though it seems I'm spending more of my time blogging about crap than working lately). Most of those years were in helpdesk support, in pretty large places with a lot of users. The funny thing is I used to always get phone calls from people who say they are trying to do this or that, but it won't work. I'm a very hands on type of person, so I would normally go to that person's office, sit down, and do exactly what they were doing, and have it work. And normally I get "I just tried that!" And I don't doubt that they did, in fact, I'm pretty sure I did the same exact thing that they did. My normal response is that I'm magic, it happens all the time. And it really does, one out of three service calls I went on were fixed just by me showing up. I've even had the person's stuff start working when I walk in the room, I don't even have to touch the computer. I have no clue what causes it, and I'm pretty sure it's happened to a

Funny
IF you are 25 or older you will think this is hilarious! When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!! And, I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But ... now that I'm over the ripe old age of twenty-five, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you

Funny Shit
When girls don't put out!! This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next da

Funny Christmas Carol Lmao
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, Eith

Funny Shit...not Really Almost Cost Me My Job
So... I had an ex-employee write a letter to my boss, saying that I wasn't a good manager. That i did sexual acts on the clock outside and that I played favorites to certain employees. In order to do sexual acts, doesn't that mean I'd have to be in a relationship? Well i guess not really to that, but that I'd have to be around long enough in the day to do that. Since I'm out of there around 1 in the afternoon, makes it kinda hard to do that. As for playing favorites, every manager turns a blind eye sometimes to whats going on, even when they know its wrong. I dont play favorites. I've learned from really awesome mangers, that it comes back and bites you in the ass. I guess what really pissed me off the most; was the fact that this employee couldnt be bothered to come talk to me about what was troubling them. That they felt the need to go over my head and talk to my boss. I've told all of my employees that if they have problems with me, to come talk to me about them that way i

Funny Things I've Seen On Fubar....
I've seen so much crap on fubar. I understand some people consider the people they meet on fubar as good real ass friends. And I'll admit some of the people I've stumbled across have been cool as all hell and turn out to be people I'd kick it with if given the chance. But more often then not I see pathetic people taking shit way too seriously... Example.. I accidently hit the 9 instead of the 10 and I got some stupid hoe blowin up the shoutbox and having 9 guys that thing starin at tits is better then goin out and get laid rating all my shit as 1's... Is that supposed to hurt me? I mean in all honestly, I drink.... I smoke.... I fuck.... I'm fulfilled before fubar. And rating me a 1 is going to do shit? Nonetheless.. So yeah rating has made me laugh a little... Then there is the guys of Fubar... They will do anything to see some stranger woman's tits... They will pay MONEY to buy pictures that look pretty, give them to women showin tits in a folder. Is that not the least bit sad to

Funny Things I Noticed
As the new year approaches quickly I would like to share some observations I made this year and in the past. 1) Keeping money in a mattress is safer than with a stock broker or a bank. 2) Greed is sin for a reason i.e. people buying homes they can't afford, mortgage broker's selling people loans they can't afford. investment banks using sub-prime mortgages to make bigger bonuses and investors buying this crappy investments because of a high return on investment. Simply- Greed can be deadly. 3) The media only reports things fairly when they are reporting your views! 4) Any politician that promises change just means he has figured a new way of screwing the tax paying public otherwise it politics as usual. 5) Actors, Singers, and other Hollywood types prove that good looks and money don't mean you are smart or will be happy in life. Just watch Celebrity Re-Hab on VH1 to prove this point. 6) Over the years I have had many of friends drink beer with me just so few hel

Funny Stuff I Made Up!!
Its chilly when its cold!------------- Don't worry just be! ---------------- Try me on for size!------------------- your a Funny Fucker!------------------ To Swig or not to Swig that is!------- Pie Perfect!-------------------------- Whats up Cherry Pop!------------------ Lick it then Stick it!---------------- Ride it like a snow sled!------------- Sfinkter Clause!---------------------- My Goggy (good doggy)!---------------- Pretty Slitty kitty!------------------ Slamit Damnit!------------------------ Thats a nice Hose hound for my front yard! Look at this dump truck all stuck in the muck like a stupid fuck!---------------------- Roll with the turns baby!------------- Try a fat chick on your stick!-------- Pussy lovers Lunch box!--------------- I like sushi! mushu shushi!

Funny That Religion Is Based On The Thoughts And Feelings Of Just A Few...
What I view as religion is not so much the REAL definition of the term. You see, I am a Scientist(not scientologist), Physical Science is MY religion, and I have been informed a few times that Physics is NOT a religion. So I ask, if Physics can answer your questions, make you feel at one with the Universe, as well as show you the way....not to mention being a system of beliefs in my case....then how is it not?? Makes not a lot of sense to me. Wait and see if christianity is as strong in 50 or so years when medical/biological Science(which are a part Physics as well)can print you up a brand new, full sized, functional heart(or any organ you might need) in just a few hours(something that christians say that only they're god is able to do) thereby extending your life span by who knows how long. I seriously doubt it, we are at the dawn of a new technological age, and mark my words....when technology reaches god-like proportions those christians wont go without a fight. But they will

Funny Shit
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Funny Porno Titles
Funny Porno Names ... Who f*cked Roger Rabbit? C*ck and Ballswrinkled Lara Croft: Womb Raider Seduction of the lambs I Know Who You Did Last Summer. Snatch Adams Bakers Dozen Glazed Anal Princess Diaries Midsummer Night's Cream Men In Back The Sperminator On Golden Blonde Do you know anymore ?

Funny Jokes
A blond drops a shirt off at the cleaners the woman clerk says :come again: The blond saids no its toothpaste this time...... A guys zipper is down. A girl says your garge door is open ..he saids did u see my hardley ? she saids no but i did see a mini bike with 2 flat tires.... A guy had a g/f that loved to stroke his balls after sex ....one day he decided to ask her y...she said cuz i miss mine..

Funny Quote I Found Today.
Those who have not seen a drunk Indian can have scant conceptions of what that means. Whiskey seems to set fire to the brain, and if one can imagine a wild beast of the forest gone mad, he may have some idea of an intoxicated Indian. ~Edward Curtis~ I have to agree here. I like this quote lots.

Funny
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain with a glorious and all-conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes like Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF

Funny
Funny the situations become When you cant cry no more When the pain get so unbearable You cant feel no more Laughter comes When you cant take No more See the humor in the pain To survive another day In this jaded world Crazy How life can be so unbearable Needing a light to shine Tired of the rain The storm When will sunshine come Funny how life is more pain Than joy Will we ever have complete Control Funny That each day We keep waking up With nothing to live for With more dark days a head Of us Funny How god can see the bigger picture And we continued to be blind fold Funny How Funny That life Is painfully hysterical

Funny Story About Vamp And Sirjp
SirJP~fuowned by DevilGirl~@ fubar Many of you know that SirJP and I have been RL lovers. He lives very close to me. :) Well, on Feb. 21st it was my 11 year wedding anniversary and was going to Bass Pro Shops with the hubby before he took me to lunch and that's where JP works! Well, of course the hubby HAD to choose JP's lane to go through when we were leaving! SO...my RL hubby met my RL lover! hehe Then after we went to lunch we picked up the kids then the hubby decided that he forgot something at BP and had to go back! SO...JP's lane was open again and the hubby said we should go back to the same guy cuz he'll think we're crazy! hehe SO...sure enough we walk up there and JP goes "oh you're back again!" talking about awkward! hehe Poor JP was just shaking! :) I just had to share that with ya'll! :) ALSO! I CAN JUST SEE THE COMMENTS COMING! YES! I"M MARRIED BUT I"M NOT HAPPY! HE AND I ARE MORE JUST FRIENDS THAN ANYTHING. THAT"S WHY I"M ON HERE AND RARELY TALK

"funny"
FUNNY ON HOW TIMES GOS BYE I HAVE CAME SO FAR WOUNDERING IF I AM GOING TO MAKE IT ONLY GOD KNOWS BUT GOD CAN YOU TELL ME THIS THO. WHY DO I KEEP SEEING ANGELS IN MY DREAMS EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES TO DREAM I SEE THEM CRYING KNOWING DEATH IS FUCKING CALLING ME ,WHAT I FIND IS THAT YOU DO NOT GOT TO BE IN JAIL TO BE DOING TIME ,KNOWING MY HEART IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME . GOD CAN YOU HEAR ME ,SITTING HEAR ASKING FOR YOU TO GIVE ME MY PEACE OF MIND SO THIN I WILL FINELY HAVE A PLACE TO SIT DOWN TO UNWINE TO OPEN MY THUG ANGEL WINGS WIDER, KNOW THAT I AM FINELY IN HEAVEN FEELING EVERY ONES PAIN RAIN WITH OUT IT DRIVING ME IN SEAN ,FINELY HAVING NO MORE WORRY'S OR PAIN RAIN RUNNING THROUGH MY MINE OR SOUL A PLACE TO REST MY HEAD A PLACE TO UNWINE . NO ONE LOVES HEAR, SO I PICK UP MY 45 PUT IT TO MY HEAD CLOSE MY EYES SAY PRAY ,SEEING VISONS OF ME THERE O GOD TELL ME ARE YOU THERE ,I PULL THE TRIGER BAG THIN I AM GONE BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES NO ONE EVEN SHEDS A TEAR , I FLY TO THE HEA

Funny Things
Funny the twist and turns life brings us though you can go in the course of a few months you can go from having every thing to having nothing and then while you down you realize its not that bad and that you will survive. I feel i had to go down to rediscover myself now i am happy and good friends with the one who helped put me down. to that person i have only one thing to say. thank you! i needed this to every one else watch out cuse here i come

Funny
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start toring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along."

Funny
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

Funny Stuff
This is one of the funniest things I've ever read! All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should get the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. YA THINK!!! So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together I get out the hair

Funny E-mail About My Home State
THE RULES OF RURAL INDIANA ARE AS FOLLOWS: Listen up City Slickers ! 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Rt. 70 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in southern Indiana waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while an oint buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your

Funny Joke(but So True)
DEAR MGT. ,I THE PENIS,REQUEST A PAY RAISE DUE 2 THE FOLLOWING REASONS..1)I DO PHYSICAL LABOR. 2)I WORK @GREAT DEPTHS 3)I PLUNGE HEAD FIRST INTO EVERYTHING I DO 4)I WORK WEEKENDS & HOLIDAYS 5)I WORK IN DAMP ENVIRONMENT 6)I WORK IN DARK AREAS W/POOR VENTILATION 7)I WORK IN HIGH TEMPS.8) AND MY WORK EXPOSES ME 2 DISEASE....DEAR PENIS,,,YOUR REQUEST HAS BEEN DENIED 4 THE FOLLOWING REASONS,,,1)U DONT WORK 8 HRS STRAIGHT 2)U WORK IN SHORT SPURTS &FALL ASLEEP AFTER EACH BRIEF WORK PERIOD 3)U DONT STAY IN UR DESIGNATED AREA AND UR FREQUENTLY FOUND IN OTHER LOCATIONS.4)U DONT TAKE INITIATIVE & MUST BE STIMULATED 2 START WORKING. 5)U LEAVE UR WORK PLACE MESSEY AT THE END OF UR SHIFT.6)U ARE UNABLE 2 WORK OVERTIME OR DOUBLE SHIFT,7)U SOMETIMES LEAVE UR DESIGNATED WORK AREA BEFORE COMPLETING THE ASSIGNED TASK.8) U HAVE BEEN CONSTANTLY BEEN SEEN ENTERING & EXCTING THE WORK PLACE WITH 2 SUSPICIOUS BAGS....THANKS MGT.

Funny Stuff Right Here!!!!
i find it pretty interesting that some people these days find it neccesary to tread on ground they are unfamiliar with!!! do ya really know who you are messin with ??? you wanna come to my page here on the fu and harrass me and sb me .. and then block me???? are we in high school again ??? and to top it off this beoch think that i wanna steal her man??? are you seriously kiddin me??? so heres what i gots to say about all of this .... first of all i think that it should be known that if your man aint happy at home then you are soooo doin something wrong!! maybe ya need to re-evaluate your relationship !!! not my fault your "man" aint into you the way he wants to be into me!!! hate on me if ya want to but trust that i DO NOT want you drunken, wife beating, alcoholic man!!! i been there and OBVIOUSLY dont want him NOW!!! good luck with your trash ... if ya need help takin it out hehe let me know lmfao **HoTTy**

Funny Words
1. Hippie Goddess A hippie woman who fully embraces the meaning of nature. That hippie Goddess is at one with nature. hippie goddess flowers love peace 2. hippie girl A woman with a free mind who doesnt accept the establishment. Hippie girls usually do not watch tv, nor do they conform to social standards of beauty. However, they DO have the sense to shower regularly. Janis Joplin is a hippie girl . hippie chick hippie woman hippie goddess hippette hippie female 3. stinky hippie A very sexy guy with dreads. Usually found BMXing, skateboarding, or skim boarding on the beach. Fond of older thick/fat/fluffy woman. Can be found with his bitch on most occasions. Also known as Charles. Wow! look at his beautiful nappy hair, he must be stinky hippie. hippie hippy stink stinky bmxing skatboarding sexy guy 4. hippy dust Nutritional yeast, esp for sprinkling on popcorn. I heard it at The Savoy, our local indy-movie theater in Mon

Funny Health Update For My Buds Here
So I was about to leave the house Monday for my doctors appointment. For anyone reading this and totally drunk for the last three weeks or so, I have been having problems with dizziness. Now my friends here would tell you they are amazed I am just noticing after all these years. Idiots!!!!! They are off my Christmas list. Anyway a pilot that is dizzy is not the best, especially when trying to land. Anyway back to the main point here....I was about to leave for the doctor and the clinic called to tell me he had called in sick so was wondering if I could come next Monday. As if I have a choice. Now this is not a condition that is severe enough that it keeps me from doing most things but it is something not very fun and is effecting me at work and has the potential of growing worse and is making me feel sick at times which is strange for me cause I am a weight training and fitness fool ( not show stuff but good for my age) and never get sick. So I would appreciate the person help

Funny Dialogue Between Disney Characters
I did this in a creative writing class. The concept is as follows: Cinderella divorced the Prince and then started dating the Big Bad Wolf. The Wolf cheated on her with Little Red Riding Hood. Now he’s trying to win Cinderella back. [Wolf stumbles inside in the dark; light flickers on]. Cinderella: Hello there, Wolf. Wolf: Jesus, you scared me! Why were you sitting in the dark anyway? Cinderella: I’ve been waiting for you. Where were you? Wolf: I was…out. Cinderella: And when you say out, you mean…? Wolf: …uh, out. Walking in the woods. Cinderella: You mean prowling in the woods. I know where you were! Mim told me. Wolf: (to himself) I’ll have a talk with that mangy Mim later. (to Cinderella) Come on, Cindy baby, you know I love you. Cinderella: If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have been out with that girl who calls herself Little Red Riding Hood. Wolf: Cindy, I didn’t mean to, she tricked me. Cinderella: And how did she trick you? W

Funny Joke
Sunday School Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Funniness
Funny, Dumb and Stupid Warning Labels Do not use while sleeping. Sears hair dryer You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Bag of Fritos Use like regular soap. Dial soap Serving suggestion: Defrost. Swann frozen dinner Fits one head. Shower cap box Do not turn upside down. Bottom of Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert box Product will be hot after heating. Marks & Spencer bread pudding Do not iron clothes on body. Rowenta iron Do not drive car or operate machinery. Boot’s children’s cough medicine Warning: May cause drowsiness. Nytol Warning: Keep out of children. Korean kitchen knife For indoor or outdoor use only. Chinese Christmas lights Not to be used for the other use. Japanese food processor Warning: Contains nuts. Sainsbury’s peanuts

Funny Video Clips
Create Your Glitter Text SO MUCH WORK FOR 2:24 OF DIGITAL MUSIC PERFECTION: DRUNK HICK DRIVER PASSES STUPID DUI TESTS THAT NO ONE CAN PASS ANYWAY WHEN LEGALLY ALL THEY NEED IS A BREATHALYZER. Create Your Glitter Text Geting kicked out!

Funny But True.
Here is a letter I found who was written to Obama by a US Marine... It is a must read LOL. I'm sorry. These are legitimate questions and concerns. Granted they are addressed in a sarcastic and smart ass way in this letter, but still legitimate... Dear President Obama, Congratulations on the Presidency. Please don't treat it like a Prom Queen elected and then we never hear about thing’s getting done. Yes, I know our country is a little down right now. Lots of people blame it on Bush, but funny as it seems Congress is really a majority of Jackasses. (I'm sorry Democrats) Anyway, I just wanted to ask you a few questions before you get to work on building this fabulous country you have in mind. First off, I know you plan to move our troops out of Iraq and relocate them to Al Qaeda and Afghanistan. You say we are spending to much money in Iraq, but wont we be spending just as much in Al Qaeda and Afghanistan? I know your not from a military background, family or serving our coun

Funny Story
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Funny Newspaper Ads
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips: Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Funny Ol Man
An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a

Funny Moment Of The Day
A NEWB-FU by the name of ABDUL decided to invade my shoutbox and said hello. now mind you I did my due dilligence by saying nothing lol, but I kept thinking ACHMED , the dead terrorist in the jeff dunham shows. Most of you know is a male of arabian descent approach you online the smart move is to not say anything. Nothing against them personally, but I have yet to meet one that hasnt completely ignored the fact that I am male and asked to see my boobs. Mind you, I have an amazing rack, for a man, but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh NO lol. On a side note, its my last day at the warehouse this afternoon, no more inbred hicks with no teeth, or co workers so high they cant do thier job right. at least until fall lol. 2 weeks off after tonight, then back to makin the real dough, and the probability that I'll be doin a few bombs and autos since I'll have the income to let it roll :)

Funny...cute
I know that the Swine Flu thing is SERIOUS, however here is a cute lil joke: Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and sco

Funny Or.... Is It?
These are some thoughts that could happen in the next few months. Good Possiblity: A shirt that says I survived S.A.R.S., Mad Cow, Avian Flu, and Swine Flu. Not Good Possibility: That people will remember the dates of any of these "pandemics". Even if none of these things happen no one is keeping track. Well mabey me but I am not sure that counts. Fact : These little guys :> :) :( :P ;} =| emoticons The first recorded use of them was during the presidency of Abraham Lincoln. In copy of the typwritter typed speech the emoticon was used to indicat that he should shift his voice to a laughable tone. In case the crowd didn't get the joke. Opinion I think way more important fact out of this little snippit is that if Abe needed a reminder that this specific line was a joke, perhaps, it wasn't all that funny. 5909 We have all had to make some tough decision before, like putting a dog to sleep or owning up to a mistake we have made. Yet the convesation this evening with

Funny
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money

Funny
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some badnews. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and wecelebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren'twell. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. Therewere some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,'I've been diagnosed with AIDS...'The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat..After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you

Funnyscopes
LIBRA - The Asshole (9/23-10/22) Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. *5 years of bad luck if you do not repost. SCORPIO - The SUPERIOR One (10/23-11/21) Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Best kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. Amazing in bed.*15 years of bad luck if you do not repost SAGITTARIUS-THE SUPERIOR SEXUAL PARTNER (11/22-12/21) Loves to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. EXTREMELY SEXY. Predict future. Loves being in long relationships. Has lots of friends. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Also not a fighter, but if they have to, they will also knock the lights out of you if it comes down to it..Cool. . *24 years of bad luck if you do not reposT THIS CAPRICORN - The One that Waits (12/22-1/19) Dominant in relationships. Someone loves th

Funny But True
I Thought I was a Cowboy Until... An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I

Funny Feeling.........
I had a funny feeling in my bones when I gone to the steak and shake in Easton. (Not my pick of where to eat, but hey... I owe a dear friend of mines lunch.) When I was in to the shop, I looked around and started to think about her again.... I wonder if she is ok. I wonder if she was still alive. (Let me tell you.... I was still pissed at her but, I still have mad love for her.) I ate my food and paid them for it. I thought to myself, She is ok.

Funny Redneck Wanna Be
i was driven down the road to go pick up my daughter and was about to turn onto another road that i usally take butttt there was a truck siting there with it hazerds on hmmm well i kept looking and saw that it was missing a tire opps lol so turned on my stobes and pulled right behind them... i got out and went over to find out what happen ok there was people rolling his tire back up the road to him omg lol ok i told them i had a jack and i was there to help ok i went and got the jack had to jack up a lil then set it back down on a brick so i could move the jack to make it go higher ok next thing i notice theres cops pulling up and asken what happen... we told them and there were like ok ... the guy that was broke down was a redneck guy ok im not pickn but we rednecks know about our trucks and 4-wheeling and stuff lol thats what we do lol but when i asked for him to help put the tire on he knew nothen omg ok i asked about a 4 way lug wrench he knew nothen of it either omg

Funny!
On our way home tonight, my 5 yr old son takes his gum out of his mouth and asks me to blow him a bubble. I tell him that's gross (even by my standards!) and he assures me that he's dried it off and is ok. I've been sadder than usual lately and I needed that giggle. I love my kids. ♥

Funny 2
Ok, I should be mad but this kid is on a roll tonight. As he's laying there (I thought he was already asleep) he tells me that "the people all the way down in China have powers". "Powers?", I ask. "What kind of powers?". "Water bending powers", he said. Not sure why people in China need water bending powers but this is coming from the same kid who can say his alphabet backwards. I'm truly glad to see our schools are teaching our children useful skills such as how to beat a field sobriety by teaching them to say the alphabet backwards..... I'm so proud of him! ♥ Now if he doesn't go to sleep, I'm getting out the duct tape..... :D

Funny
2012 Candidate For President Bill Cosby has a great way of distilling things. Looks like he's done it again! I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE. HERE IS MY PLATFORM:(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language. Speak it or wait at the border until you can.(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the Wal-Mart policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on

Funny Medical Advice
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q:

Fun Night!
So I'm sitting at work last night, yahooing with my best friend Olga, who moved to CT to my despair. She has been my friend for 11 yrs, and she moved from Siberia at the same time I moved from Moscow. Soo, as I'm bitching to her about her being so damn far, she tells me that I should expect a nasty phone call from her. About 5 minutes later, at around 12 30am, the front doors open, and ...there she is! I was pretty psyched, and turns out that she had a 5 hr layover in Chicago, so she came to visit me. We had a blast in the lobby, layin around on a couch, jumping on a counter, and taking pics (will upload them soon) like 5 year olds. One of the best nights at work EVAH! ;p yeah, that was random, I am just too stoked, so had to type this shit.

Funny
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill... Barefoot.....BOTH ways, Yadda, yadda, yadda... And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! There was no email!! We had to actually write s

A Funny
I listen to my southern preacher and sometimes he speaks fast for a southern man, and he's going on and preaching and he says "sometimes God has to drag you there". Well I laughed. Hit me just right. I don't think he meant it to be funny, but all the same, most of the people listening laughed too. It was like a laugh with a tear. I love when that happens, when a preacher says something and it hits everyone just right, and we laugh in common union with each other. He wasn't trying to make a joke, or a funny, but he did, without even knowing it until that instance. He's dragging me, pulling, making me, just like a father should. Just makes me happy to know that. It's a warm feeling, I'd say comforting. Comforting to know that yeah I've done bad, this and that, but I have a Lord that's still making me do what He knows is right. Will I fail sometimes? sure. Our relationship is kind now. Strict, but I can laugh, and it's becoming easy to laugh. If I could write in the dictionary, I'd title

A Funny...
The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among theinstructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends theflights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back downexcept to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: F

Funny Flirts That Have Been Sent To Me
"WEE WILLY WINKIE, FUCK MEFOR A TWINKIE?? IN ANDOUT WITHOUT A DOUBTYOU'LL WANT SUMMORE...THATS FOR SURE :"IM LIKE BURGERKING...YOUCAN HAVE ME YOUR WAY :)MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER??"STAR LIGHT STAR BRIGHTBIG DICKS I SEE TONIGHT IWISH I MAY I WISH I MIGHTSTICK U IN PUSSY THATSTIGHT"HEY ITS SUMMERTIME!!! IWANNA RIDE YOU LIKE AROLLERCOASTER, YOU GAME?"HICKORY DICKORY DOCK...IWANNA SUCK UR COCK...I'LLMAKE IT SPIT, YOU'LL LICKMY TIT...HICKORY DICKORYDOCK. Received 3 days ago"TWINKLE TWINKLE BIG OLEDICK, HOW I WONDER Y URTHICK....STICK IT IN NMAKE ME SCREAM...PULL ITOUT AND MAKE ME CREAM :)""WHAT GOES UP, MUST COMEDOWN..FUCK ME SUCK ME ALLAROUND...TOO THE LEFT ORTO THE RIGHT....LET'S GETNAUGHTY AND SCREW ALLNIGHT =]""UP HIGH, DOWNLOW...COULD YOU BE THEONE IM GUNNA BLOW?? TOTHE LEFT, TO THE RIGHTHOLY HELL UR A SEXXISIGHT :)"ROSES ARE WHITE ANDVIOLETS ARE RED LET MESHOW YOU THE WAY TO MYBED ;)"LETS PLAY ARMY...YOU LAYDOWN AND ILL BLOW YOU UP!YOU DOWN??""FINISH THIS STATEMENT"LET'S ______________

Funny From One Of My Buds
this is from one of my buds -- i died on the floor laughing loll Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.?? AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking

Funny Ass Review Of A Restaurant!!
I don't really blog alot but when I came across this review of Der Weinerschnitzel I had to post it! Here it is for your enjoyment. It's really funny in my humble opinion :D The review is from Jetta R. from Phoenix, Az. What would I ever do without Wienerschnitzel?It's my holy place. My temple. My place of tribute. And I'm not making a clever metaphor for the rise in obesity and fast food consumption.You see, to keep in line with my religion (Discordianism), I have to eat a hot dog (or two...or three) every Friday in reverence to the goddess Eris. I'm not making this shit up. Look it up in our scripture. I experimented for a while in finding a suitable regular source of weenie. At first I tried doing the "hot dog cart outside of the store/bar/strip club" thing, but after a while I realized that behind every smiling hot dog salesman is a tragic story of heartbreak and shattered dreams, and I began to fear that eventually hot dogs would begin to taste like cheating spouses and chi

Funny That
they should never let someone who isn't sober near a computer. Because then we get into all these weird things or look up stupid things the rest of the night. So right now I'm unsober and typing away like an idiot. If I have mistakes I won't be suprised. If not, wow. But this is boring now so I'm off to look up random things. Peace Out.

Funny Shyt
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.Telepath wanted: you know where to apply Inland Revenue: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.Watch out for the idiot behind meI'm driving this way just to piss you off Keep honking, I'm reloading. Lord save me from your followers. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I intend to live forever - so far, so good I love defenceless animals, especially in gravy Barbie is not a slut- her legs don't openDont piss me off- I am running out of places to hide the bodiesWhich is the odd one out- Texas, Alabama, Arkanas, Tol

Funny Biker Joke...
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, " Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?" The bar immdiately falls absolutely silent... In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, " Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair --- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat. 2. The boucer is a blond girl. 3. I'm a 6 ft tall, 175lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is a blond and a professional westler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if i'm gonna have to explain it five times".....

Funny Text Messages
1.(415): And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!" (1-415): What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy. (415): He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie." 2.(612): I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school. 3.(218): Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed. (763): ew wtf 4.(302): she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to => 5.(914): omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch 6.(914): i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick 7.(917): Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS 8.(705): i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole 9.(216): let's bang (773): You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' s

Funny Text Messages
1.(214): so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina (214): i got awkward and finally asked him what he said (214): he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it 2.(817): After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot. 3.(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. 4.(805): he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet. 5.(717): he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off 6.(916): How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids. (1-916): Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions. 7.(202): therell b

Funnies
Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML Today, my friend's son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him "about a dollar?" He said "wow, that's really cheap for blow." He's 10. FML Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said there was someone else, and that he has been in love with her for a while. Turns out, the new girl was his online video game character. I got dumped for a video game. FML Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung up I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I'm 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she was joking. FML Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I text her angry, telling her if she can't make our da

Funny Things About Fubar
Well about people on fubar The people in green almost always rate you what they truely think of you until someone gets mad at tells them off because they weren't rated a 10 That someone will rate you a 2 but will add you to there friends list Ok I listed two things now its your turn to list a couple.

Funny Text Messages
1.(631): Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever. 2.(775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. 3.(302): Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one? (845): Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides. 4.(614): I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet. 5.(402): I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over. 6.(215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk. (610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect. 7.(440): yea ive hooked up with like half those guys (1-440): and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag 8.(205): we were exchanging secrets last night... sh

Funny Text Messages
1.402): meow(1-402): WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD. 2.(801): all he gave me for my birthday was sperm(254): at least its a homemade gift 3.(403): you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet 4.(816): dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine 5.(347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him 6.(763): She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid. 7.(703): I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off! (1-703): I see a marketing opportunity 8.(703): we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret' 9.(848): a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving 10.(314):

Funny Gotta Read
REDNECK FARM KID in the Marine Corps Dear Ma and PaI am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.We go on 'route marches,' which t

Funny Email My Cousin Sent Me Lol
((( this is a email my cousin who is 13 years old. That day I saw my ex and I flipped him off I have no idea why she dreamt this. but I'm never going to be back with this guy again but I had to share the funny email. haha))) hey i have to tell you my nightmare because you were in it our whole family was at the fair that night you saw Clarence and we were walking in a building show grandma everything we took to the fair and all of the sudden your dad screamed the you and Walter were back together and everyone is like who is Walter and we look around and it was you and Clarence not Walter your dad just called him Walter and you wouldn't stop kissing each other and finally i smacked him and told him that if you guys kissed one more time i was gonna barf on his feetaren't you happy it was a nightmare and not in real life???? it really scared me and i thought it was real after that i couldn't sleep Elizabeth

A Funny Thing Happened...
This is an ultimatum to my old life. To a life that, while it was okay, sorely lacked drive, ambition, and change.The catalyst of this change wasn't one I wanted. Sudden realizations and an almost desperate bid to just maintain a status quo. But through inspirations from several quarters, it turned into... Something odd.I'm now settled (sort of) into a new place. It's about a half hour southwest of where I was before. Can't say I'm square between Sac and San Fran anymore, but, from what I understand, the neighborhood and surrounding areas are much MUCH better.I don't have much in the way of privacy, seeing there's 2 other folks under this roof, and another one (a curious youngster that likes me for some reason) that's here half the time.I currently lack my own computer, due to lack of room to set up. I once again find myself crashing in someone's living room, with really no space to call my own.But, by no means am I bitching about my situation, which could Always be worse. I've moved u

Funny Story
ok funny story: When me and my ex would do standing doggy she would quif. So one night I had been drinking and she starts quifing, so i start to call her Quiffer Sutherland.Looking back I think she may have been retarded because she didnt get it. Just thought I would share that tidbit with y'all.

Funny, And Oh So True Thoughts
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switchin

Funny Quotes From True Blood
Lafayette: Excuse me. Who ordered the hamburger, with AIDS?Redneck: I ordered the hamburger deluxe.Lafayette: In this restaurant, the hamburger deluxe comes with french fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and AIDS. Do anybody have a problem with that?Redneck: Yeah, I'm an American and I got say in who makes my food.Lafayette: Well baby, it's too late for that. Faggots been breeding your cows, raising your chickens, even brewing your beer alone even before I walked my sexy ass up in this mother fucker. Everything on your god damned table got AIDS.Redneck: You still ain't making me eat no AIDS burger.Lafayette: Well all you gotta do is say hold the AIDS. Here...*Lafayette picks up one of the hamburger buns and licks it.*Lafayette: Eat it.*Lafayette pushes the bun onto the redneck’s face and punches him.*Lafayette: Bitch, you come in my house you’re gonna eat my food the way I fucking make it! Do you understand me?*Lafayette takes the redneck’s plate and dumps the food into hi

Funny Jokes - Hope You All Like -
Q.What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.************************************************************************************** Q What's the height of conceit?A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.************************************************************************************** Q.What's the definition of macho?A. Jogging home from your vasectomy while hurdling fences.**************************************************************************************Q.What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?A.A guy will actually search for a golf ball*********************************************************************************** Q.Why is divorce so expensive?A.Because it's worth it!***********************************************************************************Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?A.About three inches*********************************************************

Funny 3
So my 9 yr old lost yet another tooth last night. I will be the first to admit, I am the WORST Toothfairy in existence. I usually forget she's supposed to come so the day after goes something like this: "Awww, the toothfairy didn't come!" "Really? Are you SURE?" "Yes, I checked under my pillow and my tooth is still there." "Well that sucks! Maybe she got busy or something. Ok, go hop in the shower so we can get going (or go brush your teeth)". Off she goes while I shove a dollar bill under her pillow. "Are you SURE she didn't come? I mean what if she couldn't get your tooth but left the dollar anyway and you just didn't see it? Why don't you check again to make sure." "Yesssss! She DID leave me a dollar!" Problem solved! Why would last night be any different? Tooth went under pillow, I forgot and this morning she made the discovery that her tooth was still there and no money could be found. DAMN! Think fast! My explanation was that because it was raining last night, she

Funny
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!! WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the

Funny Stuff
You measure distance in minutes, not miles. You drive through a rich neighborhood and see the wannabe redneck kids with their brand-new Fords and their designer holey jeans and cowboy hats. Boomsday in Knoxville is equal to New Year's Eve at Times Square. Knoxville becomes the third largest city every Saturday in the fall. Sweet tea is THE DRINK...no questions, no exceptions. Most people from Tennessee begin drinking sweet tea even before they can drink out of sippy cups. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar! You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store." All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. You know what a "DAWG" is. You carry jumper cables in your car -- for your OWN car. You own onl

Funny Christmas Quotes - Funny Quotes About Christmas
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. More funny Phyllis Diller quotes *** The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. More funny Jay Leno quotes *** Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. More funny Anonymous quotes *** Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet. More funny Anonymous quotes *** I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. More funny Shirley Temple quotes *** Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyon

Funny Story
Ok, it made me laugh anyway.... Background details: Needed to buy some of those polystyrene packaging chips for our e-bay business at work. I ended up buying a 5 foot tall bag of the stuff. K, now I've got that out of the way, here's the main point. Was sitting on the bus with this bag in the pram area (luckily no prams came on, wasn't getting this thing anywhere else). This guy gets on, chatting away on his phone, my bag of polystyrene things catches his eye. He stands there for a good minute staring at the bag, plucks up the courage to raise his hand, extend a finger and... wait for it prod the bag, before promptly walking upstairs.