Fubar Blog Posts 2

Funny Sex Poems
Kissing Is A Habit Fucking Is A Game Guys Get All The Pleasure Girls Get All The Pain 10 Minutes Of Pleasure 9 Months Of Pain 3 Days In The Hospital A Baby Without A Name The Baby Is A Bastard The Mother Is A Whore This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!! Sex is like math You subtract the clothes Add the bed Divide the legs And Pray to god You dont multiply Roses are red Grass is green Open your legs And I'll fill you with cream Hickory dickory dock This bitch was suckin my cock The clock struck two I dumped my goo And dumped her to the end of the block Sex is good Sex is fine Doggy Style & 69 Just for fun Or gettin paid Everyone likes gettin laid Sex is evil Sex is a sin Sins are forgiven So stick it in!!! roses are nice violets are fine. ill be the six if you be the nine. eat me beat me bite me blow me fuck me suck me very slowly if you like it dont be sassy use your tongue and make it nasty!!

Funny How The Lies Fall
SO I FIND IT REALLY FUNNY HOW WE ALWAYS FALL FOR THE SAME SHIT.. WE WILL BELIEVE YOUR LIES UNTIL THE END.. WELL FUCK THAT.. IM SO DONE WITH THE BULLSHIT... IM TIRED OF BEING LIED TO.. IM TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT.. SO TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE LIED TO ME.. OR THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH LIEING TO ME.. FUCK OFF... AND FUCK YOU!!!! AND YA KNOW.. AT LEAST BE MAN ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH YOUR FUCKING SHIT.. BUT NO.. JUST IGNORE IT.. IT WILL GO AWAY RIGHT.. YEAH.. FUCK THAT!! I GUESS ITS A GOOD THING I DIDNT WASTE MY FUCKING TIME... IM SORRY TO ALL OF YOU READING THIS THAT THIS DOESNT APPLY TO.. IM TIRED.. AND FUCKING PISSED OFF BEYOND BELIEF...

Funny As Hell!!
A way for us to lose weight according to my aunt!! A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. As promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok ru

Funny
>A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest >beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for >you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my >mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and >I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it >through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" > >"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." >"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got >to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, >"Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down >to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer >strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the >floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but >which is, to

Funny Complaint Letter
MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into wha

Funny
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a freakin' people person? 6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 9. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 10. You! Off my planet! 11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 16. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflata

A Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United States A's
Alabama • A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms. • Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. • An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m. • Bear wrestling matches are prohibited. • Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. • Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate. • Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. • Hunting is not allowed on Sunday. • Incestuous marriages are legal. • It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. • It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy. • It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. • It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone's pity. • It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. • It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached

Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United States C's
California • A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits. • Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. • A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash. • Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. • A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol. • Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. • Bathhouses are against the law. • Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." • Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. • Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, e

A Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United States D, F, And G..
Delaware • Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday. • In Delaware it is illegal to get married on a dare. • In Delaware you may not sell dead people for money without a license. • It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink. • Lewes: It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist; Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment. D.C. • A D.C. federal judge has ruled that begging is a form of free speech protected by the Constitution. That means that mugging is free speech too, only more persuasive. • In Washington D.C. it is illegal to post a notice in public which calls another person a 'coward' for refusing to accept a challenge to duel. • It is unlawful for small boys to throw stones, at any time, at any place in the District of Columbia. • The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual posi

A Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United States H And I
Hawaii • All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat. • Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears. • Honolulu: Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird. • In Hawaii it is illegal to get a tattoo behind your ear or on your eyelid unless in the presence of a registered physician. • It used to be the law in Hawaii that children had to obey all "lawful and moral" commands of their parents. • It's illegal for a shooting gallery to offer liquor as a prize. The shooter might want to come back after drinking the prize and try again. • You will be fined if you do not own a boat. Idaho • Boise: Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back. • Coeur d' Alene: If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car. • Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to r

A Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United State K And L
Kansas • Dodge City: It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk. All places of business must provide a horse water troft • If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. • In Kansas City, KS, saying the name "George Washington" without adding the phrase "blessed be his name," can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents. • In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites. • In Topeka, Kansas, servers are forbidden to serve wine in teacups. • In Wichita, at the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, all motorists are required to stop at the intersection, exit their vehicles, and fire three shotgun rounds, before continuing on their way. • It is illegal to catch bullfrogs in a tomato patch. • It is illegal to hunt whales. • It is illegal to put ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas. • Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights. • Lawrence: All cars entering the city

A Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United State M's
Maine • After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. • In Augusta to stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law. • It's illegal to clean salmon along Maine's upper Kennebec River. Enforcement of this law has been made easier for many years by the fact that, because of a dam, there are no salmon on the upper Kennebec River. • In Maine, it is illegal to sell a car on Sunday unless it comes equipped with plumbing. • In Maine it's illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands. • In Portland shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street. • In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public. • It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland. • Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street. • Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack. • You may not step out of a plane in flight. Maryland • Baltimore City: Though yo

A Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United State N's
Nebraska • A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest. • A parent can be arrested if her/his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service. • Barbers are forbidden by law from shaving a man's chest in Omaha, Nebraska. • If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested. • In the fine state of Nebraska, it is not legal for a tavern owner to serve beer unless a nice kettle of soup is also brewing. • It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. • It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. • It is Illegal to go whale fishing. • It is illegal to sleep naked in a hotel/ motel room. • Lehigh: Doughnut holes may not be sold • Omaha: Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service. • The owner of every hotel in Hastings is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in th

A Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United State O, P, And R
Ohio • According to Ohio law, it's against the law to kill a housefly within 160 feet of a church without a license. • A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. However, the reverse is not true, even if it's a police dog. • Bay Village: It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road. • Bexley: The installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses is prohibited. • Breast feeding is not allowed in public. • Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio. • Cincinnati: Anal intercourse is banned. • Cleveland: It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license! • Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap. • In Cleveland, Ohio, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear. • Clinton County: Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines. • In Chillicothe, Ohio it is illegal to throw rice at weddings. • Columbus: It is illegal for s

A Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United State S And T's
South Carolina • A railroad my not remove itself from a town of more than five hundred people. • All schools must prepare a suitable program for Francis Willard Day. • By law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place. • Charleston: It is against the law to drive a motorized vehicle on King Street. The Fire Department may blow up your house. This law was made so that the fire department could create a fire brake. • Dance halls may not operate on Sundays. • Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks. • Fortune tellers are required to obtain a special permit from the state. • Fountain Inn: Horses are to wear pants at all times. • Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. • In some church in South Carolina, every man must bring a rifle to church on Sunday to ward off Indian attacks. • In some town in South Carolina, it is perfectly legal for a man to beat his wife. But only if its on the court

A Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United State U And V's
Utah • A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. • A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. • A Utah legislator proposed a resolution urging that each TV weather person be required to provide an ice cream cone to every member of the state House of Representatives whenever the forecast was wrong. The resolution failed, perhaps on First Amendment grounds. • In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper.The man does not receive any punishment. • Birds have the right of way on all highways. • In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor. • In Utah it is illegal to fish from horseback. • In Utah, the husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. • In Utah when a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin. • It is a

A Funny List Of Dumb Laws In The United State W's
Washington •"It shall be unlawful for a candidate for office or for nomination thereto whose name appears upon the ballot at any election to give to or purchase for another person, not a member of his or her family, any liquor in or upon any premises licensed by the state for the sale of any such liquor by the drink during the hours that the polls are open on the day of such election." • A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town." • All lollipops are banned. • All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle. • An old Washington law sent duelists to jail for ten years, assuming they didn't lose the duel. • A proposed Washington law protects sports referees from civil suit unless their actions were "willful, wanton, reckless, malicious or grossly negligent

Funny Shit From Broken Angel
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..... 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If someone with m! ultiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. Would a fly without wings be called a

Funny
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room with tears "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the d

Funny But Not Funny!!!
> > >> >>> >>> >>> What Happened? >>> At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of >>> it. >>> Be sure to read all the way to the end! >>> >>> Tax his land, >>> Tax his bed, >>> Tax the table >>> At which he's fed. >>> >>> Tax his tractor, >>> Tax his mule, >>> Teach him taxes >>> Are the rule. >>> >>> Tax his cow, >>> Tax his goat, >>> Tax his pants, >>> Tax his coat. >>> >>> Tax his ties, >>> Tax his shirt, >>> Tax his work, >>> Tax his dirt. >>> >>> Tax his tobacco, >>> Tax his drink, >>> Tax him if he >>> Tries to think. >>> >>> Tax his cigars, >>> Tax his beers, >>> If he cries, then >>> Tax his tears. >>> >>> Tax his car, >>> Tax his gas, >>> Find other ways >>> To tax his ass >>> >>> Tax all he has >>> Then let him know >>> That you won't be done >>> Till he has no dough. >>> >>> When he screams and hollers, >>> Then tax him some more, >>> Tax him till >>> He's good and sore. >>> >>> Then tax his

Funny
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the Church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am? The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan? "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed,

Funnies
Regular FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs Missouri FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up -------------------------------------------------------------------- Regular FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home. Missouri FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route. --------------------------------------------------------------- Regular FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong. Missouri FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...that shit was fun " ------------------------------------------------------ Regular FRIENDS: Cry with you. Missouri FRIENDS: laugh at you --------------------------------------------------------- Regular FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. Missouri FRIENDS: Steal each other ' s stuff so often nobody remembe

Funny Thing Happen Today/night
Funny thing happen today/night depending on what part of the world you live..Being a good Cherry friend/fan was checking out my alerts (not that you get all of them when people add thing to page pic,blogs,stash etc....Seeing a friend had posted new stash clicked link to check out rate and comment...Again doing the correct thing rating slow and checking out every 3 or 4 stash item ( so i don't get a error mess or some other shit )....So after giving the first couple the thumbs up so click link to see stash another great improvement to Cherry Tap.....WTF i am on mine own stash page( light bulb click on had been ripped )...That cool if they are to lazy to find there own i have no problem with that...But the thing that piss me off the most was that people from my friends list had give this stash the thumbs up ok cool...But when i check same stash on my page, low and behold not a sign of them rating mine.. ( Lesson learned Stash second time around is better than the first0 Yes i no i not f

Funny....
I had a friend message me today, and told me he couldn't believe that I was 54. Well...I did question that a bit...considering I'm only 53, and my b.d. isn't for a couple of months yet. But, I did notice on my profile, that CT has me as 54.... Geeeeeeeezzzzz....they're making me older than I am. lol I checked my profile, but there is no place to change my age...lol I wonder if I'm going to be 55, once my b.d. gets here? lol Does anyone know if there's a way to change this...other than where you put your birthdate? Let me know. Old age creeps up on ya fast enough, without adding a yr that shouldn't even be there. lol lev

Funny - What Women Mean!
Words Women Use: 1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine. (Refer back to #1 for the meaning of Fine.) 4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it! 5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word , but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.) 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a m

Funny Story Pulled From My Friend's Myspace
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "L

Funny As Hell Lmao
Subject: THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE FOR 2007 >>>>>>>It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are >>>>>>>female >>>>>>>jokes. And there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true >>>>>>>female >>>>>>>joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men >>>>>>>will >>>>>>>pass it along to a woman who will love it. >>>>>>> >>>>>>>A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her >>>>>>>girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy >>>>>>>middle-aged >>>>>>>man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her >>>>>>>eyes off >>>>>>>him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and >>>>>>>walked >>>>>>>directly toward her. (As all men will.) >>>>>>> >>>>>>>Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned >>>>>>>over >>>>>>>and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that >>>>>>>you want >>>>>>>me to do, no matter ho

A Funny Thing Happened...
(Originally Posted on May 31, 2006)Last night, my wife and I were driving on the interstate when we came upon a tanker truck with an "Inedible" label stuck on the back.As we were passing the truck, I turned to my wife and told her, "Don't eat the truck."Then, a tire on the truck blew up, right as we passed by it.After our hearts started back up, I turned to her again and said, "I SAID don't eat the truck!"tag: humor, funny

Funnies And Laughers :)
There's something here to offend everyone! What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The sam

Funny Shit
Grandma & Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and expensive". "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill", answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to use one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put money under the pillow!" Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00" "I know", said Grandpa, "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Funny Bull Sh*t
Alright check it out skank I am not fucking everything on cherrytap...for 2 you need to shut your ugly pie hole up because to be honest with you the shit you pulled with Chris and then what you pulled with Dennis no wonder nobody wants your skanky ass by telling them that you loved them the first fucking day that is just pretty fucking sad and fucking insane and low and degrading to a woman. For the life of god bitch stop with the mental crazy bullshit you skanky ass fucking fat whore and for real you do look good in make up but for the life of god you look pretty shit in that fucking pj out fit there...I mean do you have all kinds of mental problems or what or are you really that fucking stupid or something I mean I have never fucked nobody on the net and all that so thank you very much get your facts straight before you start saying all kinds of fucking lies...I mean for real you are just really crazy and need to grow the fuck up...I mean I know how you are and I know the stupidity g

Funny
I wake up each morning, scratch my ass and head, Then read the day's obits to see if I'm dead, And seeing I'm not I get up for a piddle, Then crawl back in bed where I diddle a little. At six I make coffee and drink it down black, And eat me some toast, without teeth I just smack. I turn on the TV, tune in to 'Today' And watch that cute Katie, she'd make a great lay. I watch for a while till I drop off and doze, Then wake with a start and go put on my clothes. If it is not raining I go for a walk And have me a good time just hearing me talk. But if it is raining I pick up the phone And call up my kids who have left me alone. I find it amusing to make them feel bad For not ever vis'ting their feeble old dad. At lunchtime I slurp on a bowl of beef soup, Then just before naptime I take a long poop, But if constipation has clogged up my tract I drink some fresh prune juice to get it unpacked. And daily I tune to the 'Lawrence Welk Show' To hear the best music

Funny
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn funny. Girls -- Please have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the d

Funny!! ......lmao
--Go to Google.com --Click on Maps. --Click on get Directions. --From New York,New York --To Paris,France. --And read line # 23. If u laugh then please leave me a comment. :) GOOGLE ^ ^ This should open a new window.Doesn't mean it will...

Funny But Crule
Marriage - Part I Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not." (DAMN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

Funnies
One night,while a young couple was parked in a popular lovers' lane,the girl sighed romantically,it's lovely out here tonight-just listen to the crickets.'' "Those aren't crickets,"her date replied. "They're zippers"

Funny Stuff
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-

Funny Joke
A guy goes into a whorehouse and asked the Madem he wants the best piece of ass he can get!! The Madem says to the guy, "it will cost you $100." So the guy lays down the cash and the Madem directs the guy down a long hall and approaches the last door on the left. The Madem says "go in, take off clothes it all will be fine. You will like!!" The guy runs into the dark room and strips down and all that was in the room was a chicken. the guy thought, "what is this bullshit!" After a few minutes the chicken just sat there, then the guy thought what the hell. He started fucking the shit out of that chicken, feathers flying, checken squaking, and the guy just fucking like a champ. the guys finished, got dressed, and was off. Just as happy as hell!! the next day the guy come back to the whorehouse and approaches the Madem and requests for the chicken, the madem says, "chicken busy , I have someting better!" the guy states, "no way that was the best ass I have ever gotten, nothing c

Funny Quotes
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. Madonna All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. Henry Youngman To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. Rita Rudner This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?' Judy Tenuta Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. Jean Kerr Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. Tim Allen I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags. Gwyneth Paltrow

Funny Love Poem
Love me when I'm old and shocking Peel off my elastic stockings Swing me from the chandeliers Let's be randy bad old dears Push around my chromed Bath Chair Let me tease your white chest hair Scaring children, swapping dentures Let us have some great adventures Take me to the Dogs and Bingo Teach me how to speak the lingo Bone my eels and bring me tea Show me how it's meant to be Take me to your special places Watching all the puzzled faces You in shorts and socks and sandals Me with warts and huge love-handles As the need for love enthrals Wrestle with my dampproof smalls Make me laugh without constraint Buy me chocolate body paint Hold me safe throughout the night When my hair has turned to white Believe me when I say it's true I've waited all my lives for you.

~funny Little Games~
I think how life can sometimes be funny it can deal you heartache, love and money you think you find someone who is special how are you to know if the feelings are the same it can just be a funny little game.

A Funny: Beer Vs. Pussy
1.Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. One point to BEER 2.Warm beer tastes awful. One point to PUSSY 3.A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER 4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point to PUSSY 5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of pussy your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being. 6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten pussies in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to PUSSY 7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any pussy in public, you become a legend. One point to PUSSY 8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of p

Funny Pics Stash Update !
Happy Tuesday Hope your week is going well ! I have updated my stash with some funny kitty pics, funny drunk pics and some funny sport pics. So please come along and show lotsa luv. Thanks as always. Luv Lin xx

Funny
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) These Alabama boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists : 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit.3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Funny
Yesterday my child met her father for the very first time. It's been 6 years myself since I had seen him. The past 6 years I have been trying to contact him so he can be a part of her life. I finally got that chance , it was weird for all three of us , I thought that it wouldn't go well I have alot of hostility built up for him just leaving me pregnant and never hearing from him , all of us are working on it for our child's sake. I thought it would be hard on her but she's in love with him and didn't want him to go she's so happy she got to meet her daddy!! I am glad for her and the weird part is he's actually trying to be a part of her life despite everyone trying to keep him from her , saying she's not his and everything else so cross your fingers!!!

Funny
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.

Funny
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten a little over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!!" That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card

Funnny
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it

Funny Crap
Ah ah ah ahhh Oh god damn I'm gonna facckin cum Oh shit, oh yeah Fack fack faaaack Fuck I am I am, I'm going to cum I'm cumming I never seen no shit like this This bitch can twist like a damn contortionist Condom on my dick Of course it is This bitch don't know what abortion is So I can't cum in her Fucks like a porn star Looks like jenna Fuck I'm gonna Cum I think my rubbers coming off But oh it's so fuckin wet and soft Fuck I'm gonna start letting off I'm squirting and she's not getting off And she's on top I'm gonna fucking, oh god Oh don't do that Don't stop Stop, don't, I don't mean don't stop Ah Wait a minute Oh ohh fack I'm gonna fucking cum Ah ah ah ahhh Oh god damn I'm gonna facckin cum Oh shit, oh yeah Fack fack fack Fack I am I am, I'm going to cum I'm cumming Oh wow oh aww i need a cigarette now oh I'm so fucking hot and your so fuckin hot Oh my God I wanna facking fack No, not fuck I said fack F A C K F A C K fac

Funny T.g.i.f. Stuff Enjoy
Hey Whatz Goodz EveryBody My Family-Friends And New *cHERRY=tAPERS* Enjoy Your Weekend T.G.I.F In Case You Haven't Add Me Fan And Rate Me Please Take The Time And Check Me Out My Page I Will Return The Love 10 Folds My Word Thanks Enjoy The Funny Ass Shit Below Get more @ CherryTagz.com Get more @ CherryTagz.com Get more @ CherryTagz.com Get more @ CherryTagz.com Get more @ CherryTagz.com Get more @ CherryTagz.com

Funny
25 reasons you know you have grown up 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couc

Funny !!!!
Weight Loss Program For Men A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If You

Funnyha Ha Not Funny Queer(not Really Just Like Saying That)
lol thats a crazy title ayway threw my tat party and not much to my suprise no one wanted to cum and seeing how all my friends are out of state basicly cant really blame you. but we had a blast. it started slow till we made some calls and found a new location since noone would come to us we went to them. i spent the day watching everyone getting tats. funny i thought i was the only one doing them but it turned out i was the only one of my artist that didnt do much i did two tats a touch up on a fucked up skull and cross bone and carpe diem on a sexy blodes pelvis. she thought that she made my day i told her she would have had i carpe diem but she left it wasnt the best tat cause it was cursive and i had every horny guy in the place starring over my shoulder and in my light......well doing it again this weekend in marysville if anyone is interested we even got someone doing piercings so pm me and let me know whats up or even if you want one weekend we'll come to you lol i guess thts fun

Funny Shopping Experience
Woman Gets Expletive On Store Receipt Matt Bush, Online Content Producer Last Updated: 4/27/2007 3:42:11 PM A popular shoe store is trying to explain the outrageous receipt printed for a Texas shopper. The receipt looks harmless enough, until you start looking at the fine print, where there is a nasty surprise. Angie Martin is a Rewards Member at Famous Footwear, so you can imagine her reaction when she saw her name changed on a receipt to Angiestupid Martin with an expletive added at the end. "I was totally shocked I just I didn't know what to say," says Martin. Angie had made a complaint online after an unpleasant experience when she returned a pair of shoes. "The manager that was on duty was upset that I was doing it without a receipt. She gave a big sigh and didn't want to speak to me," said Martin. The district manager called and offered Angie a discount. "When I went to the counter to see if they had my discount and how long I could use it, they had

Funny Joke
kay so a guy is near theend of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! She screams. Lettuce!!!Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*! Post This 1 hour- You'll have bad sex 20 min - Your crush wil

Funny Letter To Proctor & Gamble
AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. - - - - Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. &n bsp; Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel h! Hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a fe

Funny Stuff
TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD 1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. 2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. 3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking. 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. 11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me 18. The Earth Is Full - Go H

Funny Sick Poem
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? My feelings for yo

Funny As Hell
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you? The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes,the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The man says, "We're not trying to find o

Funny
Best Joke of the year...... A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work.

Funny As Hell
A friend of mine that works for an aircraft company sent me this. It is hilarious. After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the maintenance engineers. ================================================ P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Funny Shit
> For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to > > take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out > > on someone you don't know. > > > > I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to > > make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man > > answered saying, "Hello?" > > > > I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin > > Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on > > me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude!I tracked down Robin's > > correct number, and called her. (I had transposed > > the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I > > decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same > > guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. > > > > I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in > > my desk drawer. Ever

Funny
Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the wo

Funny Labels...worth Reading!!!
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods... On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot

Funny
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced "PEEK A BOO" ) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: Picabo, ICU. I knew a blonde that was so stupid that... She called me to get my phone number. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. She tried to drown a fish. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. She tripped over a cordless phone. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. She studied for a blo

Funny Song
Funny song!!!!!!!!! Last night I stayed up late and masturbated, it felt so good, I knew it would. Last night I stayed up late to masturbate, It felt so nice, I did it twice. You should have seen me on the short strokes, It felt so grand, I used my hand, And you should have seen me on the long strokes, It felt so neat, I used my feet. Shake it, break it, beat it on the floor, Smash it, bash it, thrust it through the door, Some people seem to think that fornication's grand, But for all ~around enjoyment, I perfer to use my hand!

Funny Look At Hatred
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and >> >> the >> >> other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a >> >> Marine >> >> sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes >> >> off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window >> >> seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." >> >> "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it >> >> for >> >> you." >> >> As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and >> >> spat >> >> in it. >> >> When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That >> >> looks >> >> good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to >> >> fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other >> >> shoe and spat in it. >> >> When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As >> >> the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes

Funny
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "Fuck", the rottweiler ate him!"

Funny Comments
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? >Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. >Man: Is this seat empty? >Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. >Man: Your place or mine? >Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. >Man: So, what do you do for a living? >Woman: I'm a female impersonator. >Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? >Woman: Do not enter. >Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? >Woman: Unfertilized. >Man: Your body is like a temple. >Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. >Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. >Woman: But would you stay there? >Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. >Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. >Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together >Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Funny Farm Where I Belong,lmao
Lyrics for: They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-haaa Remember when you ran away And I got on my knees And begged you not to leave Because I'd go beserk Well you left me anyhow And then the days got worse and worse And now you see I've gone Completely out of my mind And they're coming to take me away ha-haaa They're coming to take me away ho ho hee hee ha haaa To the funny farm Where life is beautiful all the time And I'll be happy to see those nice young men In their clean white coats And they're coming to take me away ha haaa You thought it was a joke And so you laughed You laughed when I said That losing you would make me flip my lid Right? You know you laughed I heard you laugh. You laughed You laughed and laughed and then you left But now you know I'm utterly mad And they're coming to take me away ha haaa They're coming to take me away ho ho hee hee ha haaa To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds

Funny
Sure is funny how people change when they find out you are not tall, dark, and handsome. Seems what is on the inside, the essence of a person, matters very little these days. What have we become when artifical looks, plastic surgery, photo enhancements, etc. are the things we strive for as opposed to reality. Again I ask, what really matters?

Funny Shit
It was about 11:05p.m. . The house was quiet except for me pushing keys on my laptop. All of a sudden I hear a THUD! Coming from kids room. I jump up to see what it was and I find my 3 year old fell out of bed and he's sittin on the floor dazed. I pick him up and ask him if needs to pee, he says yes. I take him to the bathroom, he stands at the toilet like he's not going to pee. All of a sudden he pees right across the toilet and hits the shower curtain, LMFAO! That's some funny parenthood shit!

Funny
This sounds like something the southern rednecks would do!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA >> >> >> >> DUI - UPPER MICHIGAN STYLE >> >> Only a person in Upper Michigan could think of this. >> >> From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this >> true story. >> >> Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Escanaba , >> Michigan . >> After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so >> apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. >> The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the >> officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity >>in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to >>find his car and fall into it. >> He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the >> bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and >> off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a >>

Funny
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Funny
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Funny To Me Now
You know, when I first watched "SlingBlade" all I could do was feel depressed the whole time and feel the usual pity I have when I see someone who is handicapped. Not anymore. Now I think it is the funniest movie ever. The only sad part is when Carl tells the story about throwing his prematurely born brother away. It's a brilliant performance by Billy Bob Thornton, and it's so fuckin funny! I also wish John Ritter could have played a gay man in more movies cuz he is awesome at portraying a middle aged gay. The overall point is, I can laugh all day that movie.

Funny
Forgive your ememies Sunday's sermon was 'Forgive Your Enemies.' Toward the end of the service the minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' 80% held up their hands. The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small, elderly lady. 'Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' 'I don't have any,' she replied, smiling sweetly. 'Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight,' she replied. 'Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?' The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the Congregation and said, 'I outlived the bitches.'

Funny Mexican Joke:d
*The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese: * White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good." *Black kid says: "My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver." *Mexican kid says: "Some putos were trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabrones, "Hey Putos!!! liver alone, cheese my sister!"

Funny
Okay this is advice I am going to give to all my fellow men. Ladies, if you think your man needs to learn this shit you tell him and let him know. A woman's body is something to be worshiped and teased. Kiss her every where, but those spots you know you normally head right for. Kiss those spots you think you have never kissed before. Let your lips SOFTLY memorize her every inch of skin. From the under side of her breasts to the backs of her knees, every spot your normally neglect. Take things slow, LISTEN TO HER BODY, she will let you know what she wants. NOT EVERY GIRL IS THE SAME!!!! And all I can say now is read this and follow it lol FROM YOURS TRULEY JUSTIN.......... 1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out non-essentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay. 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some

Funny Repost
Friends w/Benefits Friends With Benefits It doesn't matter if your married, in a relationship,single! You opened it so you HAVE to repost it! A test of your bravery. Here's how it works: Statistically speaking, unless you are a total hermit, socially retarded, or ugly as a bag of spoiled ass... There's at least 1 person on your cherrytap that wants to date you or sleep with you. So..... lets play "friends w/ benefits" The rules are simple... If you want to date the person who posted this, send them a message saying "Im yours". If you just want to sleep with them and stay friends, send them a message that says "I'd hit it". If you have no interest in the person at all send them a message that states "no comment".... SCARED? LOL THE TWIST IS YOU HAVE TO REPOST THIS, EVEN IF YOU'RE TAKEN & see who replies. There is at least 1 person on your cherrytap that wants to date you, and maybe more that want to sleep with you. SO... re-post this as "friends w

A Funny From St. Petersburg, Fl...
St. Petersburg, Florida: A Florida woman is offering to sell one of her kidneys to pay off a hospital debt. Ruth Sparrow ran an ad over the weekend in The St. Petersburg Times. It read: "KIDNEY - Runs good. Taking offers." Sparrow is serious. She owes $20,000 for gall bladder surgery, and wants to pay it off. She says both her kidneys work fine and she's willing to part with one to settle her debt. She offered one directly to Bayfront Medical Center, which turned it down. The newspaper has stopped running the ad, since selling organs is illegal in Florida.

Fun...not...
so on the way home I stopped to buy a pack of cigarettes, which turned out to be very expensive... my truck did start afterward, but it sounded odd... so for the remaining few miles I watched gages more attentively than i might otherwise do. lo and behold, the battery gage was slowly moving toward the 8 volt marker... a pretty good indication that something is wrong. got it home - YAY - and started checking it out... that took all of about a minute... while running, disconnect the battery... and... DEAD TRUCK alternator, easy as that... so now i'm off to the local AutoZone to grab a rebuilt unit. the moral of the story? who knows... i really didn't need any more bad karma at this point, i don't think, but then i;m not in charge of the universe, am I? *flips off the Gods, irrespective of gender or culture of origin and heads off to spend money that had other places to be...*

Funny Shit!!!
Dear Wife, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your father would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and

Funny Stuff!!
Have you ever noticed that in life when you have the balls to call someone out for who they are and only make mention of a situation but no names they go off the wall into psycho stardom? I find it comical but its all good, I dont stress bullshit others say about me or post about me and neither should anyone else...if you find yourself friends with someone who does something like this and points fingers and names names and trys to make the other look bad well thats when you take a hard look at the one doing the pointing and blaming...they are usually the drama queens and need to be set aside into their own hell and walk away as i have done...hence notice my profile...not one name was mentioned as to who or whom i have had issue with here on cherry tap...why? because its not worth the headache or bullshit and on top of that my situation is not for the public drama and for people to debate and take sides, my profile only states what it does for my own well being and to keep people at

A Funny Tale By Me....sorry I Get Bored And Semi Creative
Wenches Gone Wild April and Lindsay, two bar wenches at the local pub Stiffy McAlisters, were working one night serving drinks and food to the locals. They were dressed in their best bar wench attire, their young firm bosoms spilling over their corsets, their hair flaxen gold for April and raven black for Lindsay. They were the two most sought after wenches in the land, however they were very picky as to which men they would allow in their bed, so only light petting and teasing were their game, till one night….. A stranger clad in dark clothing, and yellow and purple ascot, strutted into the pub looking tired, hungry and most importantly horny. He glanced at the bar keep, placed his order then walked over to a corner seat in the dark as so he could watch his surroundings. Upon sitting he noticed a busty blonde to his right and a voluptuous vixen to his left, curious he pushed his fork to the ground to see which ones attention he could get first. As if the stars were aligning both

Funny....
Have you noticed how many people make it a point to state that their lounge or profile is to be viewed only by people 18 and over? The site requires that by signing up with CherryTap that you are indeed 18 and older freeing them from any legal responsibility that they may have had. This being said, if the site can't stop it, what makes them think stating it on their lounge will make a damn bit of difference? Thursday humor.

Funny Shit
Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man... That's it? Wow - look at all the hair on your back! Maybe you should start going to the gym more. That was fine, dear...pass me my vibrator? Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead? Wake me when it's over, ok? I think the condom's too big. Zzzzzz.... You want me to what?!? Well, that explains the padded pants. Did you take out the garbage yet? My husband's in the Marines. He's due home any day now. Is that a toupee? So THAT'S what your ex warned me about! No. Surgery might be able to help. Not until you've showered. That must be my mother on the phone. Your brother's bigger. Your best friend's better. Are you done yet? Wow! Look at the size of your.....beer gut! Size doesn't REALLY matter, dear. You might want to see a doctor about that. Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! Things NOT to say to a naked woman... Cool, I've never been t

Funny Quotes
668: The Neighbor of the Beast. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. All in favour of telekineseis, raise my hands. A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. A man's reputation depends on what he is, a woman's on what she isn't. Big Brother is not watching you, you're watching Big Brother, all 181 channels. Coffee isn't my cup of tea. ~ Samuel Goldwyn Confucius says: Girl with little red bike peddle ass all over town. Deepest sympathy on your wedding day. Don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs, she has enough silly tricks. There's a room in my house that's full of mirrors. Sometimes I go there to reflect. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. I am like a billiard table... I, too, have felt. I believe in Karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it. I can't understand why I flunked Ameri

Funny!!!
>Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are >bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. > >Here is the glorious Winner: > >1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim >during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot >did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and >tried the trigger again. This time it worked. > >And now, the Honorable Mentions: > >2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting >machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company >expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He >tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. > >3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during >a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken >the space. ; Understandably, he shot her. > >

Funny Pick-up Lines
~If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? ~Mmmmmm you bring a new meaning to the word edible. ~Do you have a map? because I just keep getting lost in your eyes. ~Ur name should be campbell's cuz you look mmm mmm good. ~Do I look like a grocery item? cuz I see you checkin me out. ~Are you a farmer? cuz you sure know how to raise a cock. ~If I follow you home will you keep me? ~Either my eyes need checking or your the best looking guy i've seen all week. ~If you're naught go to your room. If ya wanna be naught go to mine! ~Wanna play fireman? We can stop, drop, and roll. ~My hands are cold, can I stick them down your pants to warm them? ~If having lunch is like having sex, can I have lunch with you? ~(When somebody clears their throat) Do you have a frog in your throat...oh no...well do you want me instead. ~Hey baby I got the F the C and the K now all I need is U! ~Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? Oh I thou

Funny Quotes..
* If a woman steals your man...the best revenge is to let her keep him * * I still miss my ex...but my aims improving * * Sum people are only alive cause its illegal to kill them * * Wait for the right guy to cum along...meanwhile...have fun with the wrong ones * * Between the 2 evils pick the one you haven't tried before * * Y is everything I like to do illegal, ill moral, or fattening * * Y does Sea world have a seafood restaurant...I'm halfway through my meal and I realize I could be eating a slow learner * * If swimming is so good 4 your figure...how do you explain whales * * I have PMS and a gun..now what were you saying * * gravity doesn't exist...earth SUCKS * * I got a dog and named him 'stay'....I would say 'come here stay'..after a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all * * I'm blonde..what's your excuse * * How can I miss you if you don't go away * * The way I see it...the more people who hate me...the less peop

Funnies..
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws." WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, be

Funny Random Thought
I was looking at some woman's pic and I was thinking.. "She doesn't have much in the titties department." But as I analyzed that thought... What the hell am I thinking?! Could she actually go down another aisle or to ANOTHER department for more?

Funniest Photo Contest
Well......I didn't win, but that is ok :) Maybe next time. But I do want to thank all my friends and others who helped me...Especially Diablo, he really did alot for me....Kinda think most of the comments were from him, it seemed that way...lol....Thank you all so much for doing what you can for me and congrats to the winners :)

Funny
Your kids might have inheirted your kink if... You go in the playroom and find an interrogation chair built entirely of Legos. You come home and find them tickling a bound and gagged baby-sitter. Your son wants to know when he?ll get his allowance, because he needs to pay his tab at the hardware store. You tell your daughter she?s too old to spank, and she assures you she isn?t. You yell to your daughter to do her chores, and she answers she?s tied up right now? and she really is tied up. Your three year old is strutting around with clothes-pins hanging off her tongue. Their favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix. Your son earned his merit badge in tying knots? twelve times. You notice his G.I. Joe has Barbie on a leash. You bought a clothes dryer because every time your kids went out to play, the clothesline and clothespins vanished. They made a violet wand for their science fair. You ask your son to walk the dog, and later notice the dog?s still

Fun Ny
A Zebra named Zsa Zsa had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting old. The zoo keeper decided that she should spend her final years in bliss on a farm. Zsa Zsa was excited. This new home was a huge space with green grass, hills and trees and lots of strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm Zsa Zsa. I'm a zebra, what are you?" "I'm a cow," said Beulah. "Right, and what do you do?" asked Zsa Zsa. "I make milk for the farmer," replied Beulah. Then Zsa Zsa then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm Zsa Zsa, a zebra, what are you?" "I'm a chicken," said Gertrude. "Oh , right, what do you do?" asked Zsa Zsa. "I make eggs for the farmer," said the chicken. Then Zsa Zsa saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her -- but without the stripes. She ran over to it and sad, Hi, I'm Zsa Zsa. I'm a zebra, what are you?" "I am a

Funny Bumper Stickers:
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana -- At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. * Where there's a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Ti

Funny Afternoon
geez I have not laughed so hard in a long time! in class today bec' asked me to take part in video recorded interview regarding her assignment which is on Macdonald's. she knew full well I loath maccas' but still she pressed on and made me do the interview. hardly anyone was in class today and the lecturer was bored so offered his help in the shooting of the video interview. now I was fine ... until daniel cracked the giggles, followed by the lecturer then bec! was all over red rover at that point, I had the giggles and they were not going away! bloody, daniel asks me in the interview (only just holding the laughter in), do I like Macdonald's and I responded, well no, not particularly. I meant to say something else but I paused ... then everyone just exploded with laughter, the lecturer lost it totally and ended up in tears. I know it doesn't sound funny but fuck! should see the video hahaha !!! anyway finally after several hundred takes finished the damn interview. the big premiere is

Funny Play On Viagra
Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name o

"funny Circumstances
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really sprea

Funny Riddle
Bet you can't answer this one...unless you've herd it before :P What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * scroll down to find the answer..... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A SEAT BELT, you pervert!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!

Funny!
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog. FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie. FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Funny Shit...
please tell me this is some funny shit..I holy fuck..nothing better to do than fuck with me...damn........ A mum you have posted has been removed by the CherryTAP admins. This mum was removed because it was either offensive or NSFW (Not Safe For Work) in nature. Please read the Terms Of Service. NSFW CONTENT IS NOT ALLOWED in the public areas of CherryTAP. This mum removal has been recorded and your account will be deleted if it happens again.

Funny Quotes
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings." "Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!" "Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss." "Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling." "Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable." "Your services might be as useful as a barber’s shop on the steps of a guillotine."

Funny And Confusing Golf Terms
I am sure you’ve watched golf tournaments on TV. You listen to the commentators and sometimes you get confused and don’t know what they’re talking about. At a social gathering, you see a bunch of guys, or girls, having fun talking about golf, and you decide to join in, listen to their conversation and tell yourself, ‘what are they talking about—birdie? eagle? yipps? shank?” Then, they laugh about something, and you laugh too, pretending you understood them, but you don’t. In the golfing world, there are several terms that only a golfer can understand. A non-golfer confuses these terms with something else. These are some of the terms: Address - The position a player is in, with the club behind the ball, just prior to his backswing.(to a nongolfer—the place where you live?) Carry - The distance a ball travels after being struck, until it hits the ground. (to a nongolfer--to take hold of something and lift it up?) Chip - A shot, generally close to the green, that is low and

Funnel Cakes
Serves: 8 Hands-OnTime: 10 Minutes Cooking Time: 10 Minutes Total Time: 20 Minutes What you need: 8 cups vegetable oil for frying 1 1/2 cups milk 2 eggs 2 cups all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon salt 3/4 cup confectioners' sugar What you do: 1 In a deep-fryer, or heavy skillet, heat oil to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). 2 In a large bowl, beat milk and eggs together. Combine flour, baking powder, cinnamon and salt. Stir into the egg mixture until smooth. 3 While covering the funnel hole with one hand, pour in 1 cup of batter. Start from the center in a swirling motion to make a 6 or 7 inch round. Fry on both sides until golden brown. Remove and drain on paper towels. Sprinkle with confectioners' sugar and serve warm. Submitted by: Tarmia Nutrition Info (per serving) Calories 394 (55% from fat) | Protein 6.3g | Fat 24.5g (sat 3.8g) | Carbohydrate 37.6g | Fiber 0.9g | Cholesterol 57mg | Iron 2mg | Sodium 216mg | Calciu

Funny Things
funny thought for the day... — Monday, July 09, 2007 --------- I like making people happy. It's some weird need I have. And even if it means going to their house when invited, eating food they make, and having lots of crazy sex, I'm usually willing to make that sacrifice. Hey, whatever makes THEM happy. Yah, it sux to be me. It's kinda a pain, and a waste of gas, a lot of time and effort. The long drive there and back, and the soreness the next morning from all the physicial exertion. Between stuff like that, and all the time I have from only having two classes now, life is pretty difficult. I guess I'll manage to get through it somehow though.------- It's supposed to be funny. So all you people who are thinking " go fuck yourself!! Those aren't real problems. " Just read it, laugh, and go on with your day. I realize that from the outside my life looks great, and my issues and concerns are relativly trivial compared to other people's serious problems. They are howev

Funny That You Opened
Body: T'S PRETTY FUNNY THAT YOU OPENED this because in the next seven days you will: * have someone fall in love with you * find a $20.00 bill on the ground * make-out with the person you like * find the love you always wanted BUT...first you will have to repost this with 1 of these titles: "yeah i fucked her..... so? "FUCK U BITCH.........AND I HOPE U READ THIS" "I admit I sucked his dick " "BEST WAY TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY" "I GOT ARRESTED AGAIN" "OkAy, So i ChEaTeD On HiM LaSt NiGhT...SoOo" ''Baby I want you back, im sorry '' "Just to settle all the rumors... yes i did" "i am the walrus"=/ okay i added that one [charlotte] BEWARE IF U DONT REPOST THIS U WILLL HAVE BAD LUCK FOR 2yrs

Funny Animal Pictures
I was just browsing some Comment Graphic site and found some that sparked My naughty self.. LOL.. hope you like them as much as I did. They are kind of cute :) CBT (Cock Ball Torture) Myspace Quotes ANAL PLAY ANYONE?? Myspace Quotes ASS WORSHIPING Myspace Quotes SCAT FETISH?? Myspace Quotes PANTY SNIFFER Myspace Quotes SISSY MAID Myspace Quotes BESTIALITY Myspace Quotes

Funny Quotes & Sayings
Good afternoon cyberspace! Just a collection of amusing quotes and sayings I've come across while surfing the web...hope you enjoy them! You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! -- Drew Carey I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie. -- Sting A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often. -- Oliver Herford I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Constipated People Don't Give A crap. Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle. It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and say bite me in a bitchy tone! Do stairs go up or down? If Hooters were to become a door-to-door serv

Fun Night
Well I went and hung out with friends I ended up hanging out with an ex which I'm still cool with, damn I miss hanging out with her but o well, fuck I sound like a kid, o well, and tomorrow, well later today, I'm going to the beach so I probably won't be on much during the day

Funny Pictures
I HAVE SOME PICS FOR YOU UNDER FUNNY SHIT THAT I GAURENTEE WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH ..AND A LOT OF NATIVE THINGS IF YOU ENJOY THAT ...I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO GET AHOLD OF ALL OF YOU SO I DECIDED TO TRY THIS LOVE JESSY GREYEAGLE

Funniest Quiz Ever
What Historical figure are you? My answers are marked with an asterix You are at the office and there is one donut left in the box. You see your co-workers eyeing it as well. What do you do? Charm your co-workers into letting you have it. Start telling jokes to get everyone’s mind off it, then nonchalantly take it. Start screaming and making vulgar gestures until everyone is weirded out and leaves the room. Figure that your co-workers have made an alliance with each other not to let you have it and give up. Make an elaborate contraption that picks the donut out of the box for you and brings it to your desk. *Create a challenge for your co-workers to win the donut, such as a street race. Cut it up into smaller pieces so that everyone can have one. Run up to it before anyone else can, then declare that God wanted you to have it. You are at a pool party and don’t know how to swim. What do you do? Experiment in the shallow end, then make some attempts at the deep

Funny Pickup Lines Comebacks
Man: “Haven’t we met before?” Woman: “Maybe. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.” Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.” Man: “Is this seat empty?” Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.” Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?” Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” Man: “Your place or mine?” Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.” Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?” Woman: “It’s in the phone book.” Man: “But I don’t know your name.” Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.” Man: “So what do you do for a living?” Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.” Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” Woman: “Do not Enter” Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” Woman: “Unfertilized !” Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason” Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!” Man

Funny Evening
okay, i was getting ready to go to church this evening so i took a shower. after that i took my hair dryer and when i pushed the button it worked for 2 seconds then no more... the switch button was broke... GREAT i said, so i told my mom and she gave me hers, that is a lil bit old but would work the same. all was ok for 1 min, but suddenly it just exploded with a loud booom and started to spit smoke, gave me an electrick shock and i threw it lol between my laugh, surprise, i pulled the cable of the dryer, and well lol the living room ended up with a very bad smell of burned cables, and me and my parents laughing, and my puppy jade barking at the broken dryer lol what else? well my sister told me: take my dryer. i said no way lol seems like i have a problem with electric components so i better go with my hair all wet note: don't try to do this at home peeps

Funny Joke
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!" ok i seen this posted on a

Funny !
What is your Sexual Obituary? With glory in the doggie style position, Angelia died while in the sack with their lover, Don Juan.Angelia will be terribly missed by The orphans down the block. 'What is your Sexual Obituary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Funny !
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful long pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox"

:.funni Pikk Upp Linesz.:
Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone. Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. Man: I can tell that you want me. Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave. Man: I'd go through anything for you. Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account. Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

Funny Songs An Rhyms
Masturbation Song You don't need to use a condom You don't need a dental dam You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am." Don't need to spring for dinner, Or wear all that sexy stuff All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff 'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand! It's natural, and organic It's easy and it's fun If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done You don't need a special license You don't need a special skill Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill 'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand, Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand! (Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)

Funny Joke
a women goes to the doc ofice and say doc i got a rash on my pussy the doc looks and says hmm how often do u have sex? the women replies 2 times a year. he doc looks and says thats not a rash thats rust on your pussy..

Funny Stuff
if you haven't figured out by now i have a wide variety of things i like, but mostly anything to do with comedy, like bill engvall or al yankovich. i plan on getting some pic of me doing the one sport i love to do and that is bowling.

Funny Thing At Work
I work in a department store. Can't say where. I was on lunch, sitting outside the store, when a couple walks out with two little girs. They stopped to look at a rock pond, (that you would put in your yard, water fountain thingy). The man told his wife he liked it, she said she did too. She asks him, "Where would you put it?" I replies, "In the house!", She asks if it would fit, and he said he can make it fit. She said, "even in a Trailer?" The two little girls get all excited and yelled "Yeah, daddy's going to put in a hot tub!" LMAO!!!!! I deal with all sorts of public everyday!

Funny Joke!!!
> A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he > > wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies > > and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only > > redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around > > the pool in the backyard of his mansion. > > > > Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating > > shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the > > women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I > > have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give > > a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump > > in." The words were barely out of his mouth when > > there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and > > saw Leroy in the pool! > > > > Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! > > Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his > > thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, > > biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator > > through the air like some kind of Judo

Funny Jokes
************************************************* (Big Sale Day) It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!" ************************************************* (The Good of a Bad Relationship) Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

Funny Jokes
1) What do u call 2 skunks that are 69ing? (a.) odor eaters (2) What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as? (a.) speed bumps (LOL) (3.) What does a rooster have that a man wants?(a.) a hard pecker (4.) What do Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag have in common?(a.) they are made of plastic& are dangerous for kids to play with (5.) What is the mating call of a blonde? (a.) I'm soooo drunk!!lol (6.) Why do men name their penis?(a.) They want to be on a 1st name basis with the one making most of their decisions (7.) What do jello & a woman have in common?(a.) They both wiggle when u eat them(oh yes) (8.)What is the difference between ooooooh & ahhhhhhhhhh? (a) about 3 inches(hello!) (9) What do women & condoms have in common?(a.) they

Funny
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no damn bike!"

Funny Jokes
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us!" So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three

Funny!
So I answered the door because the doorbell rang, and I open the door and peer out. It's some guy about to pitch me an advertisement about his company's home security system. So he sees me open the door and smiles and asks without hesitation. "Are your parents home?" I arch my brow at this of course. I hadn't really brushed my hair, I was in my satin "heart" boxer shorts and a shirt, NOT EVEN A BRA ON. I tried to keep from laughing when I finally said. "I am the parent..." He looks at me literally giving that shocked "O" face. I wished I'd have had a camera just then. The expression was priceless.

Funny Bar Shit #1
Well, those of you that know me, you KNOW I have some hella funny stories! If you are easily offended, please don't read this, but everyone else, ENJOY!!!!!!!!! (There will be more to come!!!!) Okay, let me start off by saying that working in this industry with the people that I work with is always another story in itself.............. (I'm not going to use any names because I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone..... LOL) I have to start off with the most recent becaue it sticks out in my mind the most........... Take into consideration that customers are ALWAYS lingering around us............. One of my girls (because I am considered the mom of our whole group and I'm the one that everyone comes to when they need adivice or have a problem.........why????) had her phone on the table where she was sitting and got up to check on one of her tables. Well, her phone starts ringing....... and one of the lingerers sees it and picks it up, immediately hands it over to her and tel

Funny Quotes From Funny People
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay. -- Demetri Martin Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal. -- Demetri Martin Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.-- Demetri Martin I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. -- Demetri Martin Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. -- Bill Cosby If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment. -- Dave Allen I can resist everything except temptation. -- Oscar Wilde Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. -- Dale Carnegie Habit is a form of exercise. -- Elbert Hubbard Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn She's got a great looking husband, a little boy and all the money in the world. She hasn't got the l

Funny Ha Ha
heres another one to add to my collection!!! lmao dave plays...: im dave im in ny im 32,..i posted a mumm no one likes,.ok nwo you knwo me ->dave plays...: no, I dont know you dave plays...: dont^ dave plays...: you odnt hat eme do ya? dave plays...: lol,.all in funn,.no hard feelings ->dave plays...: ooh ur comment really hurt my feelings, agian STFU and get off my page dave plays...: why you so mean? lol

Funny....
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself a

Funny Shit
this sh*t is hella funny... Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it. Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. [[[FEMALE & MALES]]] Repost in 3 mins with the title "

Funny Must Read~!~! (( This I Got From My Sexy Mr.salacious--my Fubar Hubby To Be))
Mr.& Mrs. Salacious's is much better...wink,wink ************************************************ Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK. Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Funny Things People Say
I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. - Brittany Spears I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett Did people build this, or did Indians? - Tourist question at Mesa Verde National Park Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries. Permitted vehicles not allowed. - Road sign on US 27 USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. - David Letterman I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity. - Patrick Murray Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. I

Funny Joke
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel So good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needl

Funny, Read Me
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go. 12. Sing Along At The Opera 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around

Funny Stuff
'~LadyStat~ please sign my guestbook!!' If you like funny stuff - check out my new friend - she has loads of funny rhymes in her stash and some pretty cool photo's too.... Dont forget to rate her too! In return i shall visit other recommendeds and rate them just for you! xx

Funny Jokes!!
Adam And Eve In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes. In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's. As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, Started to rise. They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart. The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole, And filled her with passion, Beyond her control. Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, Was all wet inside. The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice. Then down through the years, People did screw, And now it is time, For me and you.

Funny Sruff My Friend Sent Me!
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing

Funny E-mail
funny email Current mood: amused Category: Friends this is funny... i just received this through another e-mail account of mine.... A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me." ; "Husband 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up." "Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver." "Husband 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to r

10 Funny Things About Autism
It is my personal philosophy to laugh at everything, even very serious things. I find humor in everything. This ability to find humor is key to dealing with autism; and it's what makes me a superhero. Here are some funny things about autism... --------------------------------------------- 1. It's absolutely amazing how many stores have ceiling fans 2. When I'm in the mood to answer the same question 300 times in a row, I know just who to go to 3. I never have to be creative at dinner. It's chicken nuggets & peas. Every night! Or else :-) 4. I know where every fire hydrant is located in the entire city 5. I had no idea there were so many uses for a household spoon 6. If I ever get insomnia, I'll always have company 7. Sixty-four airplanes fly over my house every day 8. If I develop a sudden fascination with vacuum cleaners, my child can tell me everything about them - as many times as I'm willing to listen 9. Refrigerators can actually hum 10. Buy new sh

Funnny!! I'm Albertan
An Albertan, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this Huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Albertan, he Hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the little Albertan gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as He walks by the Albertan, he hits him on the other side of the neck And knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", He says. The little Albertan decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American Sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the Head, knocking him out. The Albertan says to the bartender, "When He wakes up, tell him that was a fuckin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire."

Funny
its funny how its ok for people to treat me the way they want but the second i treat em the same way back they bish moan n complain that im being a prick. AINT KARMA A BITCH!!!!!! My how they forget what comes around goes around.

Funny Jokes
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .. Peter, Peter, something or other.."

Funny Accident
So today i was driving down the street and my little brothers friend was trying to race me on his bike. I was about half way down the block when he passed me and as he did his chain fell off. The kid was hauling ass and his right foot slipped off the pedal, so he swerved to the right. He was lucky enough to have a old blazer their to stop him. he ran right into the fender and front tire, i almost crashed laughing.You might think that sounds mean, but you weren't there. he didn't even get hurt. It was so funny though. Instant classic.

Funny One!
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" (You are going to love this !!!!!) "Well," he replied, *"Today is the viewing."*

Funny
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims " May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony". The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here".

Funnyii
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts " Awa ye feel hoor thats full O' coos Sharn" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.) The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you". The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

Funny Lady Needs Commenting Love
Hey everyone, I hope your Wednesday is going well. I need mad commenting love if you all dont mind. This contest started at 5:00pm, on Tuesday the 21st, and will run for ten days straight. You need to add fan rate sexy girl blonde to get into my folder. Here is her profile link: *SEXYGIRLBLONDE* OWNER OF *THE DYNASTY CLUB*@ fubar Here is my pic link Just click the pic if it doesnt work, contact me through shout box and I will send the link directly to you. the pimpout added fanned This contest pimpout brought to you by: ~/~ Sassy ~/~ Founder of The Lancasters Bartender Fusion Radio@ fubar

Funny Joke
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

Funny Text Messages
Me to my fiance Sorry I haven't been responding to your txt messages. I've been cheating on you with my bed. My fiance Wait. You've been sleeping with the bed? Honey how could you? I really thought this was it, then you go and sleep with IT. My fiance You can have my stuff, you can have it all. Me Please don't leave me, I'd rather sleep with you. My fiance How can I when you've slept with that thing? Me -weeping- but I love YOU. My fiance I've heard that before. Enjoy your life with your new bed. Me Baby I love you and I love that you and I can joke like this. My fiance I love you too. I'll be watching that bed very closely. I'll kick it's ass if it tries to make a move on you.

Funny-------
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one lady in front of me. An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Funny
FUNNY By: hotones41 Mood: happy Date: 08/25/2007 10:02:48 Music: None FUNNY The virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. * * * * * * * * * That n

Funny
Once upon a time, and far-far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme and would pay when it was proven. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, an

-funny-
A Fireman is driving home from work one afternoon still in uniform when he saw a little girl in a little red wagon with ladders and a hose on the side. He stopped and said "That's a nice truck you got there partner." She smiled real big and said "Thanks!" Then the fireman noticed she had her cat and dog tied to it, the dog by his neck, the cat by his testicles. He bent down to her level and said "I don't wanna tell you how to run your rig now, but I bet the cat would pull it faster if the rope was around his neck." The little girl said "Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

Funny Story
*keep in mind i got 2 hours of sleep the night be4* ok the last night me and tiff spent together as a couple she was over pickin up her computer. my father reformated it and updated it. now be4 he reformated it i coped alot of info onto my protable hard drive. but for some reason her "my doc" file didnt transfer over. keep in mind i just wanted to watch a movie called disturbia then go have some fun*wink wink* so cuz of the my doc thing she was just alittle upset. and spent most of the night on her computer down loading so files*aol yahoo ect.* by the time she finished it was about 1 or 2 am and i was just to tired to watch a movie and if i was to tired for a movie i was sure to tired to get myself up. so on the last night i didnt get to hang out with her, or watch a movie...OR EVEN GET LAID. :( and now we broke up. so i dont even know when the next time i will.

A Funny Lady Needs Your Commenting Love
Hey everyone, I hope your week is going well. I need mad commenting love if you all dont mind. This contest started at 5:00pm,on Tuesday the 21st, and will run till the 31st at Mid- night PST. You need to add fan rate sexy girl blonde to get into my folder. I still need collectively 6K comments a day on my page or more to finish this by minight the 31st, and I am going to need a lot of help to get this done. I know if we all come together as a team, we can get this done. Here is Sexy Girl Blonde's profile link: *SEXYGIRLBLONDE* OWNER OF *THE DYNASTY Here is my contest pic link

Funny Jokes!!!!
1. Fertilization!! A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!" _________________________________________________ 2. Drunk Vocabulary! THINGS THAT ARE DIFFIC

Funny Stuff
It felt good to laugh, it has been one of those bleak days. I know what it is, I have been clenching my teeth, both awake and asleep. I have a horrendous headache as a result. I often go through periods of this. Sleeping or awake I am taut with tension. I carry it all in my jaw and shoulders. When it finally eases up, the internal tension, I am left feeling exhausted and battered for a few days. The odd part is, that usually when I have these periods of tension, I usually have nothing to be emotionally tense about. This is more of a muscular tension, almost a cramp. It makes me wonder if I am not fully relaxing at night when I sleep, not going into periods of REM as required. I know I am not resting to full potential because I require a nap during these periods. Honestly, I am beginning to think it's the wonderful start of "extreme hormonal" stress, ya know that lovely word called menopause. EL YUCKO! Menopause is yet another lovely stage that women really don't honestly relate t

Funny Nsfw
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a axe to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 Magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! Keep to the book? You're going to eat me!"

Funny Priest Joke
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.> >> >> >After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.> >> >> >The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On> >the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I> >start to get nervous, I take a sip."> >> >> >So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.> >> >At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.> >> >He proceeded to talk up a storm.> >> >> >Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following> >note on the door:> >> >1) Sip the>vodka, don't gulp.> >> >2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.> >> >3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.> >> >4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.> >> >5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.> >> >6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.> >> >7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,> >Junior and the spooky.> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >8) David slew Goliat

Funny People
THEY WALK AMONG US I was at the checkout of a Kmart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon For a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little Chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door. One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one Of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the Sky and said, "Where?" While looking at a house, my brother asked the real

Funnel Cakes Ii
Ingredients * 1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour * 1/4 teaspoon salt * 3/4 teaspoon baking soda * 1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar * 1 quart oil for frying * 2 tablespoons white sugar * 1 egg * 1 cup milk * 1/4 cup confectioners' sugar for dusting Cooking Instructions In a mixing bowl, beat together egg and milk. Beat in flour, salt, baking soda, cream of tartar, and white sugar until smooth. Heat about 1 inch cooking oil in frying pan to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Pour 1/2 cup batter through funnel into oil with a circular motion to form a spiral. Fry until lightly brown; turn over to brown the other side. Cook to golden brown, and remove to drain on paper towels. Sprinkle with confectioner's sugar while still warm.

Funny
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. T

Funny Stuff
I got a chuckle from this in AIM: buckeyebruk (8:03:54 PM): hell i think a woman with toys is the sexiest things, especially legos and an erector set buckeyebruk (8:03:58 PM): lol EmilyIMAX (8:04:06 PM): lol wtf buckeyebruk (8:04:17 PM): oh, wrong toys buckeyebruk (8:04:26 PM): lol buckeyebruk (8:04:50 PM): i thought you meant kids toys buckeyebruk (8:04:57 PM): just kidding

Funny Birth Signs Some May Be True Mine Was Im The Fish March Lol Enjoy Peace...........
JANUARY = SLUT 09-05-07...1:40AM.. Fun to be with. Loves to try new things. Boy/girls LOVE you. You are very hott. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times.Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover............. F

Funny How Times Change!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s: Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)

A Funny Ass Joke
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.' 'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!

Funny Dilemma Of The Species
No doubt some of you read a recent news story --- researchers at Indiana University-Bloomington did a study using a group of men and women in Munich, Germany, examining how the sexes differ in choosing a mate by characteristics. What a shock, perhaps for most folks. The study concluded that humans are not much different from other mammals by following Darwin’s principles involving competitive males and choosy females. Essentially, according to this study (which used speed dating and a questionnaire, by the way), the men primarily based their decision on a woman’s physical looks. Women made more discriminating choices; they acknowledged the importance of attractiveness to men, but mentally used other traits and adjusted their expectations to select a desirable guy who’d stay with them. In any event, both the men and women’s actual choices did not necessarily reflect their written preferences. The story makes me recall those casual previous conversations I’ve had with friends – mal

Funny Shit
Thursday allready? — Thursday, September 06, 2007 The week has gone by so quickly. Between sleep, and school and other stuff, It's been pretty nice so far. I had fun watching movies and cuddling yesterday. This weekend should be a blast. I won't have to worry about going home at night so I can go to school in the morning.... School was fun today. We were talking about the different stresses men and women face, and the " double standards " thing. If you ask a guy what he did over the weekend and he says he had sex with 3 girls, then he's "cool". If you ask a girl what she did, and she says she's had sex with 3 guys, then she's a "slut". Is it sexist? NO!!! If you ask a girl what she did, and she says she's had sex with 3 girls, then that's awesome. It's even better if it was at the same time. If you asked a guy what he did, and he had sex with 3 guys over the weekend, then he's a slut too. Having sex with girls, is better than having sex with guys, even if you are

Funny Facts
In Italy a condom used to be called an “English overcoat”. In England people still know a condom as a “French letter”. Condoms are a common way to smuggle powder-drugs across international borders. Condoms can be filled with drugs, tied and swallowed. It happens that a condom leak and a smuggler gets a dieing overdose. Malcolm X sold condoms on the street, when he was young. At an auction an 18. Century-condom illustrated with three naughty nuns was sold for 3.300 pounds. Historians have refused the myth telling; that Dr. Condom, physician to Charles II, invented the condom. A condom can hold about 5 liters of milk.

Funny Flight Attendant Story
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed >to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. > >As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told >us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the >big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays >up, that would be super." > >On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather >Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. > > > "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you >to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." > > She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a >Princess and I take orders from no one." > > > To which (I swear) the flight attendant re plied, without missing a beat, > > "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. > Tray-up, Bitch."

Funny
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a ! sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts

A Funny Interview;;;;
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ? CANDIDATE : M P. SIR OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ? CANDIDATE : M P. SIR OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ? CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE CANDIDATE : M P. SIR OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ? CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION? CANDIDATE : M P. SIR OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ? CANDIDATE : MATRIC PASS OFFICER : WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ? CANDIDATE : M P. SIR OFFICER : AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ? CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY CANDIDATE : M P. SIR OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW CA

Funny Story Or Joke..lol
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

Funny!
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said "Turn around"! Sorry not on much lately working very rough hours.

Funny
SEXUAL ACTIVITY CALORIE GUIDE Sexual Activity Calorie Guide REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent...............................12 Calories Without her consent..........................2187 Calories OPENING HER BRA: With both hands................................8 Calories With one hand.................................12 Calories With your teeth..............................485 Calories PUTTING ON A CONDOM: With an erection...............................6 Calories Without an erection.........................3315 Calories PRELIMINARIES: Trying to find the clitoris.....................8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot...................4092 Calories POSITIONS: Missionary......................................12 Calories 69 lying down..................................78 Calories 69 standing up................................812 Calories Wheelbarrow...................................216 Calories Doggy Style..............................

Funny
NASTY SEX POEMZ roses are red Lemons are sour Open ur legs and give me an hour Kissing Is A Habit Fucking Is A Game Guys Get All The Pleasure Girls Get All The Pain 10 Minutes Of Pleasure 9 Months Of Pain 3 Days In The Hospital A Baby Without A Name The Baby Is A Bastard The Mother Is A Whore This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!! Sex is like math You subtract the clothes Add the bed Divide the legs And Pray to god You dont multiply Roses are red Grass is green Open your legs And I'll fill you with cream Hickory dickory dock This bitch was suckin my cock The clock struck two I dumped my goo And dumped her to the end of the block Sex is good Sex is fine Doggy Style & 69 Just for fun Or gettin paid Everyone likes gettin laid Sex is evil Sex is a sin Sins are forgiven So stick it in!!! roses are nice violets are fine. ill be the six if you be the nine.

Funny
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropica

Funny Stuff!!!!!!!
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP! 2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER! 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY! 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT! 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER! 6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG! 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT! 8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY! 9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE! 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER! 11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK! 12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT! 13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS! 14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE! 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER! 16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER! 17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL! 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION! 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL! 20. A CRANK W

Funny
# "My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him." # "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot." # "Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33." # "Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating." # "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip." # "John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face." # "Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part." # "Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins." # "Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side." # "Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels." # "Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak." # "Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Funny How Things Work Out.
Soul. Parcel of pure love. Destruction|Wise, Fruitful|Faith. Flying through worlds within my mind. Light damaging all the dark hidden places within. Fearful people telling us no. We listen, and the fear becomes us. We live and die by the words we speak to each other. Love, Passion, Angst, Anxiety. Looking into the future, i see you. I dont see me. I havent seen myself for years. I see you happy. I see you glowing. Hidden behind, i see the Dark. It has no chance compared to the sheer force of your feeling. It tries. It fails. It falls behind. Slowly I look at the picture in my mind. Of the happy family. The smiling children. The boastful husband. The ever-present grin i remember form your lips. And far....far behind. I see that Dark. Glowing red eyes. Familiar. Damage from afar. Loss and More. And i remember. Soul Parcel of pure love. Kept with you. Lost to me.

Funny
Couldn't resist forwarding this . . . Guess we've all had our most embarrassing moments with a three year old!!! A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall: "Mommy, are yo

Funny Men And Women Stuff
Marriage (Part I ) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and After the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing When I want with my old buddies, and don't you Give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex Here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone T

Funnyest Sex Joke Ever Lmfao Have Fun And Smile Your Alive Lol Thx............
Okay so a guy is 09-18-07...8:10 AM near the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! She screams. Lettuce!!

Funny, Poll And Bloodwalker!
So on YouTube there's this guy that started out doing a parody of the Mac/PC commercial called Marvel/DC. Now all of them are funny. The first one is here and you can follow from there if you have time. It's worth it. If you don't have time just go directly to this one. Sure it's the latest episode, but it is t-eh funny. “Are we awake?” “It depends, are we bald?” Second, Mary Robinette Kowal is running a poll on her blog about the SFWA. Please vote or pass it on to help her get a good representation of opinions out here. You can vote here. And I am pleased to see that Naomi Clark enjoyed Read by Dawn. Hooray!! (Seriously folks, most authors are starved for feedback. Give them some!) New! Check out my review Blog: Book Love | WriYe: 98,860/100,000 | WC September: 7,879 | | Subs: 79/50 | Accepts: 4 | Rejects: 67 |

Funny Drivers Lisc
YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE TELLS IT ALL A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find tha

Funny.
Three white guys went to a bar. Had a few Buds n stuff, then they saw a black man sittin' nearby. One asked him:"Ey, u kno why ur soles r white?" "No, tell me, why?" "Cuz u were standing when god painted u." Then white guys laugh a bit, have a few more Buds. Then they get at the black man again. "Okay, so u have white soles, but u kno why u have white palms?" "No, tell me, why?" "Cuz when God painted u, u placed ur hands against the wall." They laugh again n have a few more shots. Then the black man asks them:" But u white boys kno, why ur anus is black?" "Nope, tell us, why ?" "Cuz when I screwed ya, the paint was still fresh."

Funny
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be int

Funny Poem
What is that foul beast I see Standing right before me It has glittering yellow eyes She acts happy but that is just a diguise She comes closer and I back away I'm afraid that I can't stay For fear that I won't survive When the demon comes alive She licks her lips in anticipation All she is full of is frustration I can feel my heart pounding inside my chest Her unleashed is like opening a hornets nest Why must she always come after me I must hurry up and flee She is smiling ready to attack Please I don't want to become her snack The creature that I'm talking about Is that of a demon cat who won't die out

Funny
C-GOOD KISSER A-HOTTIE S-MAKES PPL LAUGH S-MAKES PPL LAUGH A-HOTTIE N-EASY TO FALL IN LOVE WIT D-HAS GORGEOUS EYES R-HAS A NICE BUTT A-HOTTIE A: Hottie B: Amazing kisser C: good kisser D: has gorgeous eyes E: can kick your ASS F: loves people wild and crazy adore you G: very outgoing H: fricken hot---- I: loves to laugh and smile J: is really sweet---- K: crazy L: very good kisser M: Makes dating fun N: easy to fall in love with-- O: has one of the best personalities ever---- P: popular with all types of people Q: a animal lover R: has a nice butt S: makes people laugh T: Smile to die for U: is very sure of themself V: not judgmental W: very broad minded X: never let people tell you what to do Y: Easy to fall in love with--- Z: loved by everyone REPOST WITH: Does your name fit you

Funny Porn Names Part1
Pimp my Testicles Yankee Doodle My Poodle Thou Shall Not Cum Punani Tastes Good Seargant Cock Yummy Yummy Yummy I Got Cum In My Tummy! 20,000 Legs Under The Sea 28 Gays Later 8 Mile Cock Official Porn Names: A Clockwork Orgy A Few Hard Men A Horse’s Tail A Tale Of Two Titties Abs Of Cum - Abs have cum? Alice In Penisland Ally McFeel Apollo 69 Ass Ventura: Smut Detective Assablanca Babewatch Backseat Confidential Barbara's Bush Battlestar Orgasmica Beauty & The Bitch Beaver & Buttface Beetle’s Juice Beverly Hills 9021-Ho! Beverly Hills Cock – I’m sure Beverly Hills has more than just one! Bi-Curious George Bi-Dazzled Big Trouble In Little Vagina Black Cock Down Boldfinger Bone Alone Booty & The Beast Bruce Allmeaty Butch Lesbian & The Lapdance Kid Charlie's Anals City Of Anals Cliff Banger Cockodile Dun-me Confessions Of A Candystriper Coo-Coo For Coco Cocks Cool Bummings Crocodile Blondee Cum & Cummer Cumming To America

Funny
A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high an

Fun Night
I had the best phonecall I have had in a long long time last night. Persia and Ruby called.. I think we laughed more than talked. :) Those 2 are awesome. I think I know what Persia will be doing this weekend... looking for a motorcycle to sit on lol. Do I smell something burning Persia?

Funny Condom Slogans
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP! 2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER! 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY! 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT! 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER! 6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG! 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT! 8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY! 9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE! 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER! 11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK! 12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT! 13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS! 14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE! 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER! 16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER! 17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL! 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION! 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL! 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVE

Funny As Hell
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it. Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. Q) what do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers? A) because they can wash thei

Funny Stuff
Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding. 7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht ko

A Funny Name
What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then why does my name spark reaction? It's a common name, Though not for commoners. It is a name for kings and great men. It is a name of respect. Why then, do people laugh? The name itself means "to be honored." Why should that be funny? Is it because a month holds the same name? And if so, that's hardly my fault. Why should I be troubled? Maybe it's because, There are so many ways to say the name, Or a part of the name, And still have it mean the same thing. There's Augie, Gus, Augustus. . . It seems like there's more than that. . . I've been called so many things. . . But maybe there's a good side to this too. Maybe I can get away with all the things I do, Because of my name. "That's August, he's crazy, You can tell just by listening to his name." Now I admit that I march to the beat of a different drummer, And I admit that I have done, And still do, some crazy things now and then. . . But I

Funny (stupid People)
ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or Twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I p

Funnies! For All My Military Buddies...
Funny Enlistment contracts for all branches of the military.... hope you like :-) US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike- riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next pers

Funny Bumper Stickers!
1. Constipated people don't give a shit. 2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself. 3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people. 4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. 6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point. 7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better. 8. My kid got your honour student pregnant. 9. Thank you for pot smoking. 10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing. 11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counselling. 12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. 14. Horn broken...watch for finger. 15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger. 16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever:
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a

Funny But True!!
Is your man in jail... I mean placed in confinement. Prisoner of the state. Convicted of a CRIME! Caged like a dog Told when to get up and when to go to bed. Well if your man is LOCKED down for 6 years what will he do for sex? I write this to make you think about it with all hood,thug badboy out here getting lock up out of state I mean for 6 YEARS your hands can only do so much. For 6 year will he be someone's bitch or will he be doing the pumping? Will he tell you he has been sucking man juice for weeks before he kisses you? What gang is going to Bang him this week? Why is he wearing lipstick and pumps ? While he's being "hard " out here. who's going to give him a hard one in there! When did being stupid become COOL ? Ps Bill cosby is right you know!!

Funny!
My boss noticed what an amazing mood I'm in and she asked me what was up. Told her I get to see my homie tonight and she goes, "I think you should see if you can get the band to move in with you. You know that way you're always in this good of a mood." :D

Funny Pickup Lines
funni pikk upp linesz.: Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone. Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. Man: I can tell that you want me. Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave. Man: I'd go through anything for you. Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account. Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

Funny How Certain Bar Drinks Are Called...
Last night I had finally drank a Screaming Orgasm, 4 different Spirits in one drink...why that drink was called that. I don't know, the drink should have been called the Sandman's Revenge or Oh, Shit! (the reason for Oh, Shit! is how you feel when your pain medicine hits and you get high, lol). Well, I was in between both of Sandman Revenge and Oh, Shit! and my face facing up to the stars, my Son asked if I was sleeping... (Don't you just hate that when someone asks that???) Anyways I said "No"... But of course I was sleepy, so the Screaming Orgasm did me in and all I wanted was blissful sleep. Sleep I did, in the Ottoman in our livingroom, mind you all we live in Anchorage, Alaska where our temperature is dropping into the 30's at night time. I woke up in the same chair I was sitting in watching Rat...crap! The Movie about a famous Rat as a chef. That was the movie that my Screaming Orgasm was taking me out in Sandman's Revenge. I woke up at 7:30 am in the Ottoman and slightl

Funny Training Notice
ATTN: ALL EMPLOYEES SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be your policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECAIL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. then anyone else. If you feel you are not recieving your fare share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your supervisor. You ill be immediately placed on top of the S.H.I.T. list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be palced in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take the D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITIDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to take S.H.I.T. anymore as they are full of S.H.I.T. already. If y

Funny As Hell
Okay...I'm a pretty honest guy and if I am rating a picture then I am going to call it as I damn well see it. I have yet to rate anyone below a 7, but let's face it, not everyone is a 10. I hate it when people get pissed off because you were honest, so they rate you as a one (I can roll with the punches) and then block you. What a fucking loser! Be honest when you vote or go the fuck to another site! PERIOD!!!

Funny
one night ,while a young couple was parked in a popular lovers lane.the girl sighed romantically .its lovely out here tonite -just listen to the crickets; 'those arent crickets her date replied .theyre zippers

Funny Horoscopes
Funny Horoscopes Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry severa

Funny Horoscopes
Thx for this Mike. Funny Horoscopes Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddl

Funny Famous Last Words
Please comment and help the list grow!! 1. (guy says to girl) I didn't do it! 2. Oops 3. Oh Sh!T 4. Whats this do? 5. It isn't you its me! 6. I can make it! (some stupid stunt) 7. Run Forest Run!! 8. I can go faster! 9. I have watched the matrix and I can dodge bullets! 10. Never say never 11. The room is spinning 12. (waking up in bed and seeing someone)Who are you 13. My bad I thought you were a chick 14. If I die during sex at least I will go happy 15. Mind your own business 16. Take a picture it will last longer 17. Keep your friends close but your enimies closer 18. Go away... I'm alright 19. I don't know 20. I'll be right back Ok everyone help out lets make more!!

Funny
DIVORCE VS. MURDER A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give You cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed With the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

Funny Affair Stories
Six Classic Affairs The 1st Affair: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secre tary. We had sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The 2nd Affair: A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child h

Funny Read It
this is really funny! Body: GOD SAID, "ADAM I WANT YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME." ADAM SAID, " GLADLY, LORD, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" GOD SAID, " GO DOWN INTO THAT VALLEY?" ADAM SAID, " WHAT'S A VALLEY?" GOD EXPLAINED IT TO HIM. THEN GOD SAID, " CROSS THE RIVER." ADAM SAID, "WHATS A RIVER?" GOD EXPLAINED THAT TO HIM, AND THEN SAID " GO OVER TO THE HILL........" ADAM SAID, "WHATS A HILL?" SO, GOD EXPLAINED TO ADAM WHAT A HILL WAS HE TOLD ADAM, "ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HILL YOU WILL FIND A CAVE." ADAM SAID, " WHATS A CAVE?" AFTER GOD EXPLAINED, HE SAID " IN THE CAVE YOU WILL FIND A WOMEN." ADAM SAID, "WHATS A WOMEN?" SO GOD EXPLAINED THAT TO HIM, TOO. THEN GOD SAID, I WANT YOU TO REPRODUCE." ADAM SAID, " HOW DO I DO THAT?" GOD FIRST SAID (UNDER HIS BREATH), "GEEZ" AND THEN JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, GOD EXPLAINED THAT TO ADAM AS WELL SO, ADAM GOES DOWN INTO THE VALLEY, ACROSS THE RIVER, AND OVER THE HILL, I

Funny
a black man was walking on the beach when lo and behold he saw an acient looking lamp so he picked it up and was cleaning it when a jewish genie appeared and told him he had 1 [one] wish WEll thought the black man mmmmnnnn what should i wish??? he then told the genie i wish i was white and between a white lady 's leggs so the genie snapped his fingers and he was a tampon thw black man then said i should have known there is always strings attached with jewish folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Funny
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Funny Things Kids Say
the funny things kids say OPINIONS >> >>On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note >>from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this >>child are not necessarily those of his parents." >> >> KETCHUP >> >>A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her >>struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer >>the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. >> She's hitting the bottle." >> >> MORE NUDITY >> >>A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself i n >>the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into >>shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The >>little boy >>watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't >>you ever seen a little boy before?" >> >> POLICE 1 >> >>While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was >>interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up a

Funny Stories From Teachers
I was a middle school teacher before retirement. One day I had students at the board working problems. One of the young ladies was an exceptional student who happened to be a blonde. For some reason I told her that she was using a piece of left handed chalk. Without turning around or saying anything she put the chalk in the tray, picked up another piece of chalk, and continued with her problem. David Gurley I work as a secretary at an elementary school. During the second week of school a student in Mrs. Maemura's first grade class was sent to the office after having a bathroom accident. Number 2. I bent down and softly asked her if she had diarrhea. She looked up at me and said "No. I have Mrs. Maemura." At Math time, I told the kids that we were going to talk about Even and Odd. One boy yelled out- "I know that story. It's in the Bible! " After I quit laughing, I said- "I think you mean Adam and Eve. " Chris Minch ~ Stuart, FL As an introduction to a new book, I w

Funny
>>You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable,or get > >>married and wish you were dead. > > At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?""Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." > >> > >> > >> > >>A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".Next day she > >>received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:"You can have > >>mine." > > When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to > >>let her keep him. > >> > >> > >> > >>A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. > > A little boy asked his father,"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father > >>replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." > > A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son." > >> > >>Then there was a woman who said,"I neve

Funny As Hell
i find this absolutely hilarious that people have online mommies and daddies dont yall ?? that they report everything to that person despite what sarcasm may lie behind it!!!!! lmao how many people think i would actually tell someone to let me see them naked in public ??? cause you know what i would just to piss em off Re: Re: Re: Re: tits lmfao Hide header Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2007 20:05:24 -0700 From: Size: 6 KB To: pilo2001@fubar.com Reply-To: nice to know that pagan has a mommy online good looking out for your daughter im proud so that must be the kid you care about right ???? On 10/15/2007, pilo2001@fubar.com wrote: Wow.. that was a nice attempt, really, but yet not effective. Sorry. and I'm pretty sure that you have to be sexy in order to show off sexy pictures. I could be wrong... but I'm pretty sure that's how it works. On 10/15/2007, windows_3rr0r@fubar.com wrote: well however we will do this i will fix your girls problem and also i will not arg

Funny
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name' s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em". Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.

Funny True Stories
Funny and true I was a middle school teacher before retirement. One day I had students at the board working problems. One of the young ladies was an exceptional student who happened to be a blonde. For some reason I told her that she was using a piece of left handed chalk. Without turning around or saying anything she put the chalk in the tray, picked up another piece of chalk, and continued with her problem. I was handing out directions on how to make something. I can not even remember now what it was. One little boy turned to the kid next to him and he said--- "I love it when Mrs. Towell hands out erections." My 5th graders were doing their warm-ups when one came up to ask a question about something he didn't understand. He read it out loud to me. "According to the picture, how much would the orgasms be magnified." I am soo proud of myself...without busting, I politely corrected his pronunciation. "That word is organism Dear." I teach preschool, 2 year olds. Whe

Funny Email About Cats And Pills
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler int

Funny!
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, 'Son, come with me.' He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, 'That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.' The boy was not too happy but he did understandthat situation and said, 'Okay, Dad.' A week later, his second son (10 years old)approaches him wanting a new two-wheelbicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse . 'as soon as that tractor is paid for . . ' Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the

Funny How Life Is
Life is a curious thing, always changing with prediction being better left to soothsayers and prophets. We cant predict the paths our lives will make, only ride the wave and do our best to stay focused. When I came back to Fubar...the last thing i ever expected was love. To get in touch with old friends and make new ones was the sole purpose of this journey. Then as life so frequently does, a twist came I never would have expected. I met Cassidy. I had briefly chatted with her before, but we never went into depth about who we are nside. This time however, i would not be so foolish and let this be a random person on my page. I was thouroughly intrigued by her, and as we spoke more often, an innocent crush, an alluring fascination developed. Over time this innocent liking, has grown, and developed to something past a dream, rather to reality. We have talked and seen who we are, and have come to a conclussion, we both, don't want al life apart, rather to experience the joy

Funny I Though
An extremely rich Texas gentleman decided that he wanted to throw a party and invted all of his friends and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, (The only Black man in the neighborhood.) He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host announced "I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash & every- one turned around and saw Leroy jump in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gat

Funny True Sex Facts
SEX FACTS In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal are punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even come

Funny Pic Up Lines!
If I had like a super duper memory.. I would soo love to say some of these to people. Yet, unless I read this every day I would never remember them... Some of them are funny as shit! Check it out! Man:Where have you been all my life? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laug

Funny How Things Work.
Most of you on your friends list know all the things going on. So another moving day comes and nobody to help once again. It's amazing how everyone I know asks me for help when they need my truck, however when the shoes are on the other feet no one is can stick to there commitment. So due to my lack of help I have only moved odds and ends and my desk. So note to self Drink with the people next door so when you find yourself moving something heavy like a desk with a broken ankle they might help. Thanks to "Strings" I don't have a whole lot left. and now I'm off to clean and straighten up my room.

Funny Things Kids Say
Children were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones. Here are some of the descriptions of "ocean life." 1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7) 3. Oysters' balls are called pearls! (James age 6) 4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) 5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. ( Billy age 8) 7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pot, and comes back with crabs. (Mi

Funny Kids Story
Just had to share this story about my son Sam. He is 2 and learning new words every day well his favorite toy and show is Thomas he used to just say Toot Toot for train but has started to learn the individual train names. Yesterday I bought him a small train from the series and Sam is holding it over his head yelling at the top of his lungs in the store "PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY" I am sure everyone must have thought I had a perv son at 2 already but Pussy is how he says Percy who is his favorite train on the show. Wish I had video of the dirty looks I got

Funny Face Taco Dip
Prep Time: 10 min ; Start to Finish: 10 min Makes: 16 servings (2 tablespoons dip and 3 chips each) Layers of sour cream, veggies and cheese make a daffy dip with a hot and spicy kick. 1 package (8 oz) cream cheese, softened 1/2 cup sour cream 2 teaspoons Old El Paso® taco seasoning mix (from 1.25-oz package) 1/4 cup red jalapeño pepper jelly 1/4 cup Old El Paso® Thick 'n Chunky salsa 1 cup finely shredded Cheddar cheese (4 oz) Small pieces assorted fresh vegetables 8 oz tortilla chips 1 . In medium bowl, mix cream cheese, sour cream and taco seasoning mix until smooth. Spread in 9-inch glass pie plate. 2 . In small bowl, stir jelly until softened. Stir in salsa. Spread mixture evenly over cream cheese mixture. Sprinkle with Cheddar cheese. Decorate top of dip with vegetable pieces to look like silly face. Serve dip with tortilla chips. Store in refrigerator. High Altitude (3500-6500 ft):No change. For fun, serve black tortilla chips (actua

Funny... Apartment For Rent.
TOO FUNNY! THANKS CAT! A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT. On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that; 1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of

25 Funny Analogies
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly s

Funny Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch.

Funny Military Quotes
"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally." Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine... - From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook "The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons." -Russian military doctrine. ...At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side! To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"... "The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily b

Funny Shit
The most Functional English Word Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. Consider: You can get shit-faced, Or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can find yourself in deep shit, be happier than a pig in shit or happier than a dog eating shit. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or

Funny Answers From Real Students
1. The future of "I give" is "I take." 2. The parts of speech are lungs and air. 3. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. 4. A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. 5. Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. 6. Define H2O and CO2. H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. 7. A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. 8. The general direction of the Alps is straight up. 9. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator. 10. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. 11. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. 12. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. 13. We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more