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"not Avoiding!"
Not Apologizing For Being Me
I'm not gonna apologizing for being me. I am who I am You can't do a damn thing to change me If I don't feel comfortable doing something, don't get upset that I said no. If I said that I'm about to do something, respect my decision instead of getting upset. If you don't like or respect my decision, deal with it or move on. You don't own me, you can't make the decisions for me, I'm my own man If you respect me, I'll respect you Only God is my boss, not you. If you're a real friend, respect me for who I am. So therefore, I'm not apologizing for being me, so don't take things personal It is what it is, take it or leave it.
Not Again
Hey you guys just wanted to let you guys know why I havent been on here lately...My dad is back in the hospital he has been bleedin internally and not really sure from where....they are gettin ready to do some studies on him today...but please again I am askin for your prayers...This year has been the worst...thank you guys XOXOX
Not A Perfect Life!!
If life was perfect... Would we know happiness? If life was perfect... Would we know challenges? If life was perfect... Would we know what it feels like to receive and to give? If life was perfect... Would we know differences? If life was perfect... Would we know true love? Without sadness we wouldn't know what it feels like to be happy! Without a challenge we would be bored! Without wants we would not know giving and receiving! Without choices we would not know differences! Without hate we would not know what true love is!
Not Again!
I got a phone call this morning from Visa asking for Peter. I had to have them call them back. Someone has used his Visa Debit card online and it wasn't him. They didn't get the card number from Peter being on the internet because he doesn't use it over the internet. It had to be someone writing his numbers down from some store he went to. This has happened to us 5 times this year between him, me and our daughter! It is just ridiculous how insecure places are with visa cards. They really need to get control over this. It is an inconvenience to us because now he is without a debit card for 2 weeks and a cost to the visa! Somehow I think that it is going to happen again, especially since it is that time of the season....buying time! I just really would like people to stop stealing for a living and go out and get a job! People are so lazy that they want everything for free. Kind of just makes me sick. ciao
Not All Guys Are Jerks
GIRL: Slow down, Im scared. GUY: No, this is fun. GIRL: No it's not. Please it's too scary! GUY: Then tell me you love me. GIRL: Fine I love you. Slow down! GUY: Now give me a BIG hug. GIRL: *hugs him* GUY: Can you take my helmet off and put it on yourself? It's bugging me. GIRL: Alright, now slow down GUY: I love you babe (in the paper the next day): A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it, but only 1 had survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug one last time, then he had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die. If u love any one this much re-post this ....and....the love of your life will relize they feel the same .... DONT BREAK THIS . 2morow will be the best day of your life. However, if u don t post this b
Not All Scars Heal
Not all Scars Heal The pain is always welcome It crawls beneath the surface The scars burn and throb Broken promises Lies whispered endearingly Untruths believed Falsehoods made true Not all scars heal Wounds fester Lies grow Happiness disappears Always the same Never to differ Grabbing onto the knife Running it deep Blood red as an apple Never normal Never safe Lie to me dear one I need a new scar
Not A Good Week...
It's not been that good of a week for me. I've been caught up with going to school and working. I've gotten on here some too. Got into an arguement with a friend over something stupid. On Wednesday, I found out that 2 of my uncles (they are both my daddy's brothers) were in the hospital. One went in because he had pnemonia and the other had a stroke. The one that had the pnemonia wound up having a massive heart attack that night. Then Thursday, he started having kidney failure. He passed away today. As far as I know my other uncle is in the hospital and fighting. I think that he well bounce back in time. So, I have a funeral to go to sometime here the next couple of days. And next week I get to see my friend and spend some time with my friend... We're spending Thanksgiving together because of my friend not having much family and I'm so sweet hearted (I know it's really funny, ain't it.. lol) that I offered my friend to spend it with my family. So, thank you in advance for any prayers t
Not A Huge Bloger
Its saturday. i have a few things going on. I just dont know with who this evening. LMAO. a month ago i couldnt get anyones attention. Now i cant get any free time LMAO. NO complaints here !!
Not All Guys Are Sexiest Pigs.(sorry)
=== '~Tattooed Goddess~' spewed forth the following at '2007-11-20 15:19:22'.. > > i bet NO guys will repost this ;i'm sorry i'm sorry if i'm not pretty enough to be "your girl"i'm sorry that i don't want to have sex every minute of the day.i'm sorry that i'm not a playboy bunny so i can act like a pornstar for you.i'm sorry if i don't have a dream body that turns you on.i'm sorry if i won't drop down to my knees to get you to like me.i'm sorry if my hair isn't long enough.i'm sorry if i'm not the "hottest" girl you've ever seen.i'm sorry if loving you isn't enough.i'm sorry if being your friend through thick and thin makes no difference.i'm sorry that i try my best to get you to like me, but then get hurt. but most of all; i'm sorry that most guys can't accept a girl for who they really are. and i'm sorry that most guys will read this and post it and may agree with it but after 5 minutes they forget about it and do the same thing all over again. GUYS! just think about it, about how
No Takers For The Contest
WOW.. I threw a idea out yesterday. What would you do for 10,000 fuBucks? Kinda like the old Klondike Bar commercials. "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" Made it real simple. Just send in your idea. As long as no person or animal is hurt or killed. I'd pick the winner and they get the money. Just be Original. Creative. Anything you want. I got absolutely no takers. Oh well. Maybe I'll try it again another time.
Not All Adoption Stories Are Good Ones....
Not all adoptions stories are happy ones. I am soon to be 30 years old and I was adopted. My foster care life was not a pleasant one. My half sister, half brother and I were taken away from our mother early. I was 14 monthes old in the final foster home, that we arrived in. My brother was autistic and was adopted quickly by a family who adopted only mentally retarded children. He was lucky. He lived on a farm and is the only one of us to gradute high school. I am proud of him. My sister and I were kept together. That is good except that most people don't want two kids. We were a packaged deal. My sister was two or three when we landed in the final foster home. It was run by a woman named Edith Voight. Now there was an evil person! But I'll get to that. All wasn't horrible in the home. I did have a few good memories there...very few though. It was in Norfolk, Virginia. I had no idea what was going on. I thought it hard to deal with family members whom always l
Not A Drop
Not A Drop I ran round and round. Till my fat head got heavy and hit the ground. With a loud thump and a sock! I hit my big pumpkin head on a rock. Bing bang boom I was seeing stars. Concussion to my head my thoughts were ajar. Dizzy I felt the world still spinning. Drunk off my ass I was still grinning. Talk about stupid things you do when you are drunk. This has to be the dumbest thing ever I sat there and thunk. Stupid human tricks I thought I was on Letterman. Funny though... Some people would never understand. Why split your melon for just a drunken game? Cause if I would have said no I would be the one that is lame. But I am not lame... I am stupid that is why I play. Retarded as one of my close friends would say. I may have split my head but I did not spill my beer! Let me be the first one to point out that fact and make it perfectly clear. Yay! I have saved the day and there will be no gloom and doom! YAY! I did not spill a drop... Now... Take m
Not A Music Video But Funny Ass Commercial
Not A Fight, Actually.
Many people a day post MuMMs about long distance relationships and what not. I've decided this is my universal answer, unless I get aggravated. It takes two mature, intelligent, and responsible people. It also takes some dedication that even most relationships never reach because people are retarded in this day and age. People should also go into a long distance relationship knowing that one of the persons will have to move, and if you're not ready to do that, then its just not for you. Also knowing just because you meet someone online, doesn't mean it will be completely different then meeting a person that lives down the road. The person might or might not work out in the end. I'm in the most wonderful relationship right now thats long distance. I'm happier then I have ever been, and sometimes it does get hard, but in the end, if its with the right person, then its worth it. We're both willing to go to and from over 1000 miles (not to mention spend the time [even up to 16 hours in
Not Around Much
Hi everyone....well I know that some of you have probably noticed that I haven't been on much as of lately. December has been quite hectic so far with work and home life. Nothing serious just keeping me busy. I do however think of you guys everyday and wonder how everyone is. So if you would please, comment on this blog and just let me know how you are. I miss you all and I do hope things calm down on my end soon so that I can come back and chit chat with my friends again :) Love Jen
Not A Game For Ppl With Pacemakers, Lol
Not Always Santa's Baby
Not Another Online Blog
Hello to all my readers and Happy Holidays. Oops Did I say something politically incorrect and if so well sue me. Literally! Seems like yesterday I was fretting about another dreaded Holiday season and oh wait here I am again one year later stressing over the same shit again. My Oakland Raiders missing the playoffs again, being single, Hating the New England Patriots and saying the same but meaningful contents over and over again but its begining to catch on because im not the only one who feels like I do and what I mean by this is I feel that Most people have traditionally lost the true concept of Christmas and other social and religious Holiday. Have we forgotten that theirs homeless Men, Women and Children that dont get much or dont get anything at all for a gift. Not even a smile. Just more dread and the thought of being without a home for another year. Sure their are programs installed for our lost souls but seriously folks The Holiday season is not about wondering if your going t
*not A Happy Meagan*
My boyfriend isn't feeling well. Work sucked. Christmas isn't coming fast enough. The present that I ordered for Jason's step-mom hasn't come yet. I don't feel like wrapping presents.I have so much to do, and really, really don't want to do it. On top of it all? My Christmas presents disappeared out from under my tree on my profile. There were some really nice ones, too! *sob* Oh well, I guess I'm done bitching and will go find something productive to do. Leave me a present to make me feel better? :)
Not All Heroes Are People...
James Crane worked on the 101st floor of Tower 1 of the World Trade Center. He is blind so he has a golden retriever named Daisy. After the plane hit 20 stories below, James knew that he was doomed, so he let Daisy go, out of an act of love. She darted away into the darkened hallway. Choking on the fumes of the jet fuel and the smoke James was just waiting to die. About 30 minutes later, Daisy comes back along with James' boss, who Daisy just happened to pick up on floor 112. On her first run of the building, she leads James, James' boss, and about 300 more people out of the doomed building. But she wasn't through yet, she knew there were others who were trapped. So, highly against James' wishes she ran back in the building. On her second run, she saved 392 lives. Again she went back in. During this run, the building collapsed. James hears about this and falls on his knees into tears. Against all known odds, Daisy makes it out alive, but this time she is carried by a firefigh
Not As Some Loves...
Sometimes, some loves will merely drop away indifference will most any love condemn. It's best that some loves die, and then decay. Sometimes, contention sends weak loves astray, and love grows stagnant, dull, before the end. Sometimes some loves will merely drop away, but not a proper love, a love for which we pray, one that is fervent, and never needs amends. It's best that some loves die, and then decay. Our love's not weak. It's firm. Yes, others say that they'll be always joined. But that's pretend. Sometimes some loves will merely drop away. That's not our love. Ours is the only way to make us whole, both as lovers and as friends. It's best that some loves die and then decay. At end our love is sure. Again I say our love is straight, is pureour love won't bend. Sometimes some loves will merely drop away. It's best that some loves die and then decay. Is this even possible? Can this happen even if we were to fight with all we ha
Not All Guys Are Jerks
Not all guys are jerks! I've seen about 12 "Why are all guys jerks" posts pop up in the last 24 hours so I thought id adress them all in one post...ready.......WE ARE NOT ALL JERKS! lol are some of us jerks? definatly! are most of us? Probably! but not all of us. The reason girls always ask "why can't I meet a nice guy?" is because of 1 of 2 Reasons Reason 1: You are looking in the wrong places. Reason 2: You have, are about to or will say to the 'nice guy' you know or will meet "I really like you as a friend" Fact is the good guys are there! The problem is you just aren't looking hard enough or are not paying enough attention as to who are the people in your life that treat you the way you deserve to be treated and who are those that treat you like your worth nothing and think they can walk all over you?
Not A Member
"I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!" - Will Rogers
Not A State Of Emergency? When Will It Be?
Here is another blog entry that I posted in my Myspace sometime back. ------------------------------------------------- Again, another blog of mine that has the "current mood" set to something on the angry side. A couple of states have declared the their states in an emergency due to the border control problem that we are having here. If anyone seems to think that we don't have a problem, you really need to have your head examined. The part of the state of emergency that I am referring to is not the fact that terrorists see our border control a fucking joke, and that it is an easy way into our own backyard, but the problem with us having to fund the illegals that are running about in our state, much less country. I am sure that every state has a some of these fools to deal with, but I know that Texas has a really bad problem with it. I love this issue with my friend Robin. It is one of the few political views that we both agree on and can really into. Her husband is cu
Not A Poem,just Some Deep Thinking.
Not a poem Just some random thoughts.I'm deep thinking on life tonight and was wondering If anyone else having thought this.They say you are supposed to learned things In life from other people.Not what I'm wondering Is If you are supposed to learned things from other people.then how do you learned when no one else Is around to learned from?A very Interesting question don't you think?Well comment me and let me see how many comments I get on this blog.
Not Again
She thinks about it every night her best thoughts come through the dim candle light She can't erase what's already been done But knows she can stop what he's already begun He toys with her heart and screws with her mind if continues to do this He'll destroy her in time He has a girl, he claims he loves but runs back to his first trying to get what he wants making her feel like her heart could just burst Burst from the pain and the anger from the guy "she could trust" and finds that every emotion is replaced with disgust He tells her he loves her Later, he kisses and hugs her a promise to herself That she won't be drawn in again because her heart's not a toy that he can play it like a game I won't let him hurt me Not now, Not again
Not A Good Night.
I am just so numb today. Last night took a lot out of me. When I picked up Anthony from school, I asked him why he cut school Friday. Of course he lied and said he was at school. I also asked him why he thought it was okay to grow pot in his room. Yes, you read that right. I went into his room to look for my make-up case and I felt one of his cabinets and it was covered with a blanket and warm. I opened up and there was a light shining on a pot. I told him that he was grounded, no phone and no friends to come over. Peter came home and I asked him where the kids computer was so he started looking for it. He asked Anthony where it was and he said it was in Christopher's room some where. So to make a ling story short, after calling Chris and him not knowing where it is, Anthony comes up with some bullshit story about a guy coming in and stealing it. I know and Peter know that is not what happened. Either he sold it to buy alcohol and drugs or one of his so called friends s
Not A True Statement
I did a mumm on here, and it was a actually a ratorical wasnt in a situation that dealt with me... so nothing is wrong with me.
Not A Nice Trick
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
Not Alone In The Dark
Looking At What We Dont Want To See It is one of life's great paradoxes that the things we don't want to look at in ourselves are the very things we need to look at in order to know ourselves better and to become more fully who we are. The feelings that make us want to run away are buried treasure full of energy and inspiration if we are willing to look. These feelings come in many forms, from strange images or snippets of information to recurring dreams and feelings that rise up seemingly without a reason. Whatever shape they come in, and no matter how scary they seem, these messengers bring the information we need in order to grow. When we are tired of pushing something down, or trying to run away from it, a good first step is to write down what we think we are avoiding. Often this turns out to be only the surface of the issue or a symbol of something else. Expressing ourselves fully on paper is a safe way to begin exploring the murky territory of the unconscious. The coolness
Not Again
Instant Armageddon. Image indiscretion. Filth and file-sharing. Standards of attachment, tearing. Two-wheeling through the shit. Oceanside invitation to wander a bit. Hurt clouds my mind, but the hurt's not mine. On to dreamland, she goes. Of the future, who knows? Hopes for better times. Lemons sour and turn to Limes. Energy coursing through my feet, but this race I cannot beat. Nearly spent, almost deceased. Pushing further, pains yet increased. Can I keep going? Must I still roam? How does one rest, when one has no home? My sweetest ideal, I'm afraid. My life for your happiness I'll gladly trade. It's all for you, and I'll be near, wading through, until you're here.
Not Around Much These Days
Hello to all my friends here on Fubar. I just wanted to tell you all that I'm not around all that much these days. I'm not deleting my account or anything, and there's always a possibility that I'll be back someday... but for now I have other stuff to do. If you really want to keep in touch and don't already have my email address and/or Yahoo screen name, leave me a message and I'll send that info to you. I still check this account one or two times a week. Thanks to everybody for the birthday presents and well-wishes. You guys are awesome. I miss DJing, and hanging out here... I just need a break. xoxo Jera
Not Anymore
I can't see you looking at me, it's hard to find I can finally be free. Free from you, I can finally be me. Be myself, stepping out of the dark, Be myself, not ever falling apart. I tried to understand, I tried to compromise. I tried to prove my love, looking into your eyes. You didn't want me anymore, you told me to get the hell out the door. So I left you in that cold, dark room, with nothing left in me but sadness and gloom. You later tried to take me back, after you had left my heart sore. But I'll let you know now, I will not take it, not anymore.
Not A Mistake...
->♫Whi...: You're falling, aren't you? ->♫Whi...: Fuck... my sentiments exaclty Jedi Maste...: thats one of teh greatiest things about you, yor perfect combination of desire, and empathy, and flexibilitty, and...just...YOU....fuck..... ->♫Whi...: I don't want you to even utter a phrase of it before you are...... ->♫Whi...: I know that you'll say it when you're ready.... Jedi Maste...: yet, being the key word.... ->♫Whi...: And, well, I know how you feel about me.... and I know that it's as of yet unspoken ->♫Whi...: Goood, because I wanted to make sure that you knew exactly how I feel about you..... Jedi Maste...: aye, definitely i do ->♫Whi...: Good, then you KNOW Jedi Maste...: i did..... ->♫Whi...: I hope that you heard the love in my voice when I told you that I loved you... Jedi Maste...: i can sense, feel, and just connect with it, when i experience it through your voice.... ->♫Whi...:
Not A Good Day Of Poker
Not a good fucking day for poker today. Couldn't hit the side of a barn, every bitch on the table was sucking out on me. I don't know why when I have days like this I just don't close the program and go to bed. These are the days I hate poker. OH well......
"not A Choice"
In September 1993, Brenda Pratt Shafer, a registered nurse with thirteen years of experience, was assigned by her nursing agency to an abortion clinic. Since Nurse Shafer considered herself "very pro-choice," she didn't think this assignment would be a problem. She was wrong. This is what Nurse Shafer saw: "I stood at the doctor's side and watched him perform a partial-birth abortion on a woman who was six months pregnant. The baby's heartbeat was clearly visible on the ultrasound screen. The doctor delivered the baby's body and arms, everything but his little head. The baby's body was moving. His little fingers were clasping together. He was kicking his feet. The doctor took a pair of scissors and inserted them into the back of the baby's head, and the baby's arms jerked out in a flinch, a startle reaction, like a baby does when he thinks that he might fall. Then the doctor opened the scissors up. Then he stuck the high-powered suction tube into the hole and sucked the baby's b
Not A Choice!!!!!
In September 1993, Brenda Pratt Shafer, a registered nurse with thirteen years of experience, was assigned by her nursing agency to an abortion clinic. Since Nurse Shafer considered herself "very pro-choice," she didn't think this assignment would be a problem. She was wrong. This is what Nurse Shafer saw: "I stood at the doctor's side and watched him perform a partial-birth abortion on a woman who was six months pregnant. The baby's heartbeat was clearly visible on the ultrasound screen. The doctor delivered the baby's body and arms, everything but his little head. The baby's body was moving. His little fingers were clasping together. He was kicking his feet. The doctor took a pair of scissors and inserted them into the back of the baby's head, and the baby's arms jerked out in a flinch, a startle reaction, like a baby does when he thinks that he might fall. Then the doctor opened the scissors up. Then he stuck the high-powered suction tube into the hole and sucked the baby's b
Not Again Can U Handle It????
WTF Are you waiting on im up for bidds again damn someone must really love me and i need loving so drop by and give me some bids and i promise u wont regreat what will be if you win me Click On The Link To Start The Bidssss Are you Scared Or u just cant Handle me?? So U Know U wanna Own Me So Lets Hope To It :P
Not A Good Fubar Day... internet iz actin dumb,stickin and stoppin and watnot-and that suckz.And im pretty much bein ignored-which realy suckz,lol!Maybe itz just a Monday thang,who knowz? Newayz,thought id blog about it;and wouldnt u know im havin trouble with that 2.Here'z hopin u all r havin a better day.Peace...xox
Not Again
WTF?????? I went to my sonogram today. Orginally I thought that I had my left overy removed. At first they found what looked to be two overies in there. And I guess apon further investigation they found it, on the right side. They also found a fibroid tumor. Then my doctor got the resualts today and the office called and said that they want to do a biopsy on the thing they found. I just really dont know what to think right now. I am scared that something else is wrong with me know. What the hell is going on with me know. I just wish this was all over with. I just want to go back to work and go back to my life.
Not Around Much
Hi everyone...Just wanted to let everyone know that I am not around here much. Guess you can say I have become bored with Fubar. Not the people I have met but Fubar itself. I really would like to keep in contact with the great friends I have made here and all so if you want to also ask me for my yahoo addy and I will add you on there. I have a few people already. So Don't be mad at me if you send me a shout and I haven't answered you. I will if there are some up there. If nothing else come see me on myspace...I have my link posted on here. Yeah I know...Myspace but my family is on there and I keep up with that more. Talk to you all soon. Love Rae
Not Again
Sorry I haven't been around much(and probably won't be for awhile), but we just lost my 20 year old neice to a diabetic coma. She died on her mother's birthday. She'll be burried next to her six-day old sister who died on the same Goddamned(and I mean that litteraly) day 27 years earlier. I just can't seem to grasp why a good, church-going, clean-living woman like my sister gets all this grief heaped upon her when a soul-less, selfish prick like myself gets off easy. If this is all part of God's plan I sure would apretiate him/her explaining it to me.
Not A Very Good New
hi had a bad new : i try to explain the most clearly than i can what happen : i have been notified by the major of my town that big works will be made in my street they are going to change all phones cables of the town so i'll not have internet from the 8th to the 20 th of this month that piss me off Miz
Not Again
Oh my god!!! Will this not fucking end??? I am so sick of not feeling 100% anymore. I am so fucking tired of this shit. And they have no idea whats wrong with me, but I just keep losing more and more blood. I am about ready to tell them just to fucking rip this shit out of me and be done with it. I don't need it anymore, I have all the kids I want. I just can't take it anymore. I just want to sit here and cry cuz I am begining to believe that I will always be like this, and it will never go away. Thanks for listening to me vent while I wait for the doctor to call me back and give me some options.
Not A Poem But What Came Out Of My Heart Threw My Hands
When passion flows and gives way to light who holds your heart so close and tight? Then darkness for no cause creeps nearer you who holds you close and stays it threw? When the pieces of yourself try to rip apart and sorrow fills your heart who lays with you threw the night? Who loves you? Who makes it alright? When day breaks and the nightmare ends who's eyes will you look to? For to many long days and endless nights I have felt the sting of loneliness. A lover I plead. I long for the day when my lover will come. I fight the feeling to go numb. I cry myself to sleep at night. Selfish wishes fill my sight. The hurt of a not so distant past keeps the memory of betrayal fresh and new. It makes me only want to run to you. Take my pain from my heart. Hold me close in your arms don't let me fall apart I ask so much of a precious one......I shutter at the thought. I find my questions answered in a beautiful soul. My only fear is that it wont last becaus
Not Another One!!!
just call me Britt@ fubar My friend Britt is new. I've known her for quite awhile. She's good people! Lets show her some Fubar hospitality. Please Rate/Fan/Add!! -REL
Not A Racist But, It Is True(repost From A Friend)
racist?? you call me: "redneck" "Hillbilly" "Slaker" "Cracker" "Honkey" "Whitey" "Gringo" "Sage" and you think it's OK. But if I called you: jungle bunny spear chunker coon wet back wop jiggaboo porch monkey sand nigger rag head towelhead Camel Jockey Gook Spook NIGGER KIKE slant eyes or Chink you'd call me a racist. Which I AM NOT --You have the United Negro College Fund. --You have Martin Luther King Day. --You have Black History Month. --You have Cesar Chavez Day. --You have Yom Hashoah --You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi --You have the NAACP. --You have BET. --If we had WET(white entertainment television) ...we'd be racist. --If we had a White Pride Day... you would call us racist. --If we had white history month... we'd be racist. --If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives... we'd be racist. --If we had a college
Not Allowed In Safeway Anymore!! :p
Better have a box of Kleenex handy!! This is pretty funny stuff!! I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to sh!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Safeway grocery store that I often
Not A Good Day
Went to A&E this morning 'cause my stomach pains were worse, as were my bowell movements (I know, sorry). Got all the poking and prodding etc etc and then was told they had no idea and to get an ultrasound from my GP on monday if it's not better. It's already not better.Now blood in said bowell movements (sorry again), shivers from my neck down but my head feels like it's gonna burst in to flames. Basically, we called an emergency doc who I went to but she didn't know for sure either. But she gave meds that "might work" (fingers crossed) So now i'm hoping they work otherwise I have to live with this for who knows how long. Going to bed, just wanted to explain why I've not been on much.
Not A Rant But An Update
It sems like forever since I've been back on fubar. With work, school, graduation, packing, moving (I'll be moving back home at the beginning of June!), and worrying about grad school, I haven't had much time to get online except to check my messages and talk to my close friends. I'll miss Bowling Green, which has been my home since I was 18, but I'm very glad to be moving back home to Louisville. Anyway, I'll try to make the effort of signing online more often. Evan
Not Allowed To Pay My Respect!
"Sorry Ingrid, the service is for close friends. Like Jeffrey's extended family. It's not something you'll really want to witness anyway. It's open casket and just awful. His Dad really just wants the people who were closest to him. There is going to be a get together sometime at Grace Family. I don't remember when exactly. But people who aren't able to go to the funeral can go to that." lets just say, there was a huge argument about that.
Not A Baby Anymore
My baby not a baby any more: Today is the day I that I see my baby growing up. Let me take you back for through the years. Justin has been in special education all of his school age years. Two year ago we moved to Mobile. He has since been in the special games. This year he won first place in all three events that he was in (running long jump, he jumped 56, 400 meter relay, and the 200 meter Dash). About 3 months latter I received a phone call from the Mobile County Special Olympics President, saying that Justin was selected by the board to represent Mobile County in the State Games. She said that they usually do not take middle school kids to the games but seeing how well he did at the county games they would love to have him represent them this year. This was a great honor and I did not want him to be over looked if he want to do it. So he is now on his way to be a part of the games. He is on his was to Troy, Alabama to have a good time running his heart out something he enjoys
Not Around Much
Hey guys just wanted to let yall know Im not sure how much ill be around this week. I wasnt around this past weekend my daughters been sick. Im gonna take her to the dr today shes still runnin a fever early in the mornin and at nite so I need to fig out what the heck is causin it. I prob wont be around much this week and I know on Friday we are goin to my in-laws for Memorial day weekend so I wont be on at all then. Once things get back to "normal" Ill be around more but for the time bein I wont be around much. Hope everyones doin great and Ill catch ya when I can. xoxo -cotton
Not A Waste
"No life is a waste, the only time we waste it the time we spend thinking we are alone." --the Blue Man in Mitch Albom's 'The Five People you Meet in Heaven We would all be good to realize this more often. xoxo Me
Not A Chance
Well i think ive done decided that the last blog has been answered. Just found out that the man i was considering to give a second chance to there is no way. He was going to kill his whole family wife at the time and his children all over anger. The bottle is his best friend and hes got issues so therefore no thanks ill pass. I want a man i know i can trust and live a long and happy life with. Good luck Jason Engle ac_dcsong. Cause you lost the best woman you could of had!
Not A Poem, Just Thoughts
sometimes, you reach a point in your life when you stop and look around at everything you have, and wonder: what if it all disappeared tomorrow? Would you be a strong enough person to pick up what ever pieces you have remaining and move on? Would you be able to accept the changes that happen? More importantly, would you be able to care again, after such a loss? I cannot imagine what would happen if I lost what I have... namely my children... but if I were forced to choose between a new life, and living in the past, I think that at some point I would be capable of mending my heart and moving on. Losing a child is one of life's cruelest tricks...but survivable. you are never the same, but you learn how to continue on... to cherish the moments you have with those who you do have in your life.
(not A Poem But Funny) Things You Never Hear An Ndn Say...
Things you never hear an NDN say... "Dang, it's gonna rain and I just waxed my car." "Naw, I don't feel like going snagging tonight." "You can't feed that to the dog!" "No thanks we're vegetarians." "No thanks I don't want any fry bread." "Do you think my hair is too long?" "Trim the fat off that steak." "The tires on that truck are too big." "Yes officer, I have my license, registration and insurance right here." ?sorry, but you can't sleep here tonight? "No thanks, I'm full." "Yes, this is my truck, and no I won't help you move.? "How many calories are in that?" "I can't wear shorts - look how white my legs are." "Hey! Anybody want this block of cheese??? "I'm gonna vote for the most qualified, best candidate for Tribal council and not my relative." "I think I'm gonna clean my yard this weekend." "My Great, Great, Grandmother was a Cherokee princess." "The other dancer deserved to win...the judges were right t
Not About This Ex's..................
drunk and just thought I'd let you know, I've made like 8 mistakes already that I had to fix, that's bad for how short this is..............
Not An Artist
Not an Artist by LateNiteFantasy I dedicate this poem to fubar... * Im not an artist as you can see, Im not, though I try my darnedest, I try, I do, why can not I be, Regardless, Im not an artist. I write poems that follow all the rules, The rhyme and meter are well defined, Those that praise me are considered fools, Or people whose tastes are not that fine. Of stories, my subjects are so crude, Sexual fiends seem to be the hosts, These T and A tales are too rude, But, the number of words matters most. Im not an artist, that much is true, If you read, dont forget to vote, I will try to write and interest you, Any ideas, just drop me a note.
Not A Day Goes By
Not a Day Goes By by LateNiteFantasy Patroling in the jungle choking down the fear. Unwilling to show my care, by displaying my best leer. Skies fall and panic grips. The savor of dirt and blood. Haunting sounds of screams, and the feel of wet piss. Mortars shake my world, and take my breathe. Your hand grabs my arm, My insides burn and melt. I'm told of your bravery, the lives that it saved. Informed of your sacrifice, And your mothers loss. Years have dimmed my eyes, as I search the black granite. Groping with trembling hands, I rub to paper that is in my heart. I honor your courage, and pray for your soul. I weep for our loss and those who join you on this wall.
Nota '08???
On a different blog, Lady Gaura referred to Obama as an empty eggshell. So... With a tip of a striped hat to Dr. Seussinspired by LadyGaura. I do not like an empty shell. I do not like it very well. I will not vote for Old War Coot. I will not vote for Empty Suit. I will not vote for Darth Nader. I will not vote for Barr Vader. I will not vote for Pastor Chuck. I will not vote for the Green Schmuck. The choices suck for 2008. For four more years, freedom must wait. But can we take four more years, Of war and death and playing on fears? Can we take four more years, Of no jobs, no cash, and lots of tears? Nothing left, no place to go. What Ill do, I just dont know. Then I look up and I see The candidate thats right for me. He promises nothing, and delivers less. No pile of crap dumped on my chest. No funds to raise, no favors to owe. No speeches to make, no places to go. Hes the last place for a discouraged "vota", That place to turn to is called,
Nota '08???
On a different blog, Lady Gaura referred to Obama as an empty eggshell. So... With a tip of a striped hat to Dr. Seussinspired by Lady Gaura. I do not like an empty shell. I do not like it very well. I will not vote for Old War Coot. I will not vote for Empty Suit. I will not vote for Darth Nader. I will not vote for Barr Vader. I will not vote for Pastor Chuck. I will not vote for the Green Schmuck. The choices suck for 2008. For four more years, freedom must wait. But can we take four more years, Of war and death and playing on fears? Can we take four more years, Of no jobs, no cash, and lots of tears? Nothing left, no place to go. What Ill do, I just dont know. Then I look up and I see The candidate thats right for me. He promises nothing, and delivers less. No pile of crap dumped on my chest. No funds to raise, no favors to owe. No speeches to make, no places to go. Hes the last place for a discouraged "vota", That place to turn to is called
Not As Some Loves
Not as Some Loves by LateNiteFantasy Sometimes, some loves will merely drop away indifference will most any love condemn. It's best that some loves die, and then decay. Sometimes, contention sends weak loves astray, and love grows stagnant, dull, before the end. Sometimes some loves will merely drop away, but not a proper love, a love for which we pray, one that is fervent, and never needs amends. It's best that some loves die, and then decay. Our love's not weak. It's firm. Yes, others say that they'll be always joined. But that's pretend. Sometimes some loves will merely drop away. That's not our love. Ours is the only way to make us whole, both as lovers and as friends. It's best that some loves die and then decay. At end our love is sure. Again I say our love is straight, is pureour love won't bend. Sometimes some loves will merely drop away. It's best that some loves die and then decay.
Not A Goodbye, But See You Soon.....
Not a goodbye, but see you soon ... because I know that the friendship is able to overcome the distance to physical, hence, my friend, you will always be in my mind! It was very good you know, (although the language barrier sometimes has betrayed me) take you in my heart, promise back one day, when the miss, that cause chest pain, I come back, even to distant, killing the nostalgia that already chewing my soul. Search Videos At
Not Alone In This World!!!!!
FEEL THE MAJIK - WITCHY'S WIKKED GRAPHIX Alone in a world all on my own!! The world is out there trying to crash in before me!! Freedom & more is in sight in the far off distance!! It is there that I must go!! Working towards more in this life than fear & pain!! Alone in this world all my own!! Keeping my head held high as I continue to grow. Inner growth, Spritual growth & more.... Changes with in this lonely soul, I welcome them all & so much more! Alone in this world yet suddenly aware of not being alone at all!! Freedom & Love is within me and in the future too!! Keeping on track of what I desire in this life & all I shall acquire!! Not allowing the fear to keep me down under barbedwire!!!! Not alone in this world.... As I go on, The stronger I become!!! Each day becomes newer & brighter!! Thank You for all the lessons I have learned to this day!! I'm ALIVE
Not A Option
I once read to never make someone an priority, when they make u an option,that statement is so true.Its like u trying to hold on to something that no longer wants to be attached. Once u pull that part off and replace it with something that fits tight, u begin to feel more secure and feel better about movin on, knowing that piece will not fall off for a long time, which makes u feel free. I have learned to follow that phrases and stop trying to care for thoese who don't care about me and Im feeling so much better about self and so much more free to live life to the fullest.
Not A Song Of The Day But Still Funny As Shit - Flight Of The Conchords - Robots
Not A Hero
I am not a hero For you I would bleed I don't have a halo I'd fight your demons until I ceased to breath I'm not bullet proof I'd take one for you My kryptonite is the truth It's the best that I can do Don't make me more than I am There is something you need to know I'm nothing more than a man I am not a hero
Not Another One
i hate when i get a message like this: Hi,Am Timothy.....Everyone here call me Tim Hmmm , thats funny right... I saw your charming pis here and i know ur the woman am Out here in search for, Actually Three yrs ago I lost my wife and two kids in a car accident and still a bachelors as i called my self since then, Now honey i wanna start a total new relationship here...And what do u think?... I will love to chat this out with you If you will gimme the time to do so, Why not Join me in my yahoo messenger,( or hotmail ( More about me: Stable, sober and fun loving. I enjoy adventure and sharing time with friends and family. I am a leader and I am very comfortable in new experiences.... An ideal relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. I desire a partner and friend to share the adventures of life as they come. I want my home to be full of joy, and peace..Baby,i await to talk with you here Ok,,,Just add me to urs,Am honest and real.
Not Alone Or Am I?
I am beginning to think I am drifting along with no real purpose in life. There was a time in my life when things were awesome, during the past two years things have gone drastically downhill. No one understands me, the way I do things or the reason I do them. One major event has seemed to have lead the way for many other disasters. It seems like an age old excuse to blame ones bad luck and choices on the loss of a love one, she wasn't just a loved one, she was my best friend and would listen to everything and not judge me. It seems that multiple people seem to want to tell me what to do, a few of them I feel just want to take advantage of my good will and kindness. I spent many wonderful hours a week with this wonderful woman and for the last two years I have begun to feel like a trapped rat with nowhere to go. If anyone reads this and has any idea what I am talking about and any ideas on what to do. Please let me know. But it was a great way to babble for a few minutes.
Not A Blog - Just Something I Like
A Dream Within A Dream -E A Poe Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow - You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore, And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand - How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep - while I weep! O God! can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream?
Not Above Criticism
Now everybody who even REMOTELY knows me knows my passion for Star Wars. They know that I love that movie with a geeky and dorky obsession that would rival any fan boy any day of the week. Some people may even know that I've gone to the extreme by naming my daughter after Star Wars. My point to this opening paragraph? I love Star Wars. However, even the great cinematic triumph that is my favorite thing ever put to celluloid has things that cause me to think. See, I was watching A New Hope the other day as I'm inclined to do. It was actually my daughter watching it, but hey, it's on, so I'm watching it too. Anyway, something hit me. So, Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa are twins fathered by one of the most powerful men in the galaxy, who's sense of darkness and evil is only shadowed by his master, Emperor Palpatine. So, in an attempt to keep hope alive that order will one day be returned to the force, Obi-Wan and Yoda decide to seperate the twins and hide them from their evil fa
Not Any More.......straight Up...
Not A Hummingbird
I'm not a hummingbird, Delicate and sweet, You're heart can break and shatter, For all I care or want, I didn't dare entrust mine to you, Look where my trust got me? Spiraling further into this darkness, Letting it embrace me, Take me where it will, Life's out of control, Dancing in the rain, Of blood, Reveling in the havoc, Of what once was, Twirling round and round, With her sister, Of heart and soul, Shadows of each other, Different enough, Yet the same, Twins yet not, I'm not a hummingbird, Delicate and sweet, You're heart can break and shatter, For all I care.
Not A Smart Thing To Do
Not A Sausage!
Nope. Nothing. Nowt. Zip. Nada. No sex all week, seven days since my last, albeit explosive, rumpy pumpy sesh. Not good is it? Having said that, it wasn't for want of trying. I have a friend, a guy I haven't actually met yet, who I like and he was staying at a training course about three miles from my home this week. I was ready to drop by and sort him out on both Tuesday and Wednesday and even cleared my domestic duties each evening - but he blew me out both nights!! To be completely fair on him, he had good reason (sort of) both times but I'm not used to being rejected. So he is gonna get it SO BAD when we do finally get it on...and he knows who he is because he'll read this! So a frustrating week of sexual inactivity will culminate tomorrow evening when I'm off out to get me some hunks! I'm so completely determined to get myself well and truly 'seen to' tomorrow night that I'm wearing the sluttiest little outfit in my entire wardrobe. I'll put a pic of it in below.
(not Active Now)auto 11's W/ These Fsc Members
Auto 11's activated now...get 57 points per 10 used ♥ J'M♥ Kh ♥ ~ -r h rЧh rl' ~@ fubar Hk-Grl r rЧh rl' ,@ fubar Pimp Out Brought to you by ..Micki-Blue-Eyes
Not Alone
As you sit there in the darkness of what has become your life Trying to put an end to your pain and strife Realize this- You are not alone! As you fight for what you believe is right As the day turns into night Do not give up hope For you are not alone! When you feel like all hope is gone And you can no longer carry on Hold your head up high Wipe that tear from your eye And realize that you are not alone! When you world comes crashing down on you And you feel that there is nothing you can do When you feel like you are all alone Take a look around you and realize you are not alone! Though there are times that you feel so weak And you try to ask for help but cannot speak Do not give up hope You are not alone! When the ones you love the most are the ones that cause the most pain And they make you feel like your goin insane, Carry on You are not alone! When you find yourself wanting to bring your life to an end Reach out and ask for the help of a friend And reali
Not Affected By You Rockin Rick
Its not the fact of rating people honestly on here. Its called respect, do you no what that means, if not look it up. Because on here we respect the looks of others and don't put them in different class. You get rated a 10 or 11 on here no matter what you look like. That how you progress through the levels by the rates. If everyone rated by looks you might not every succeed. If you don't like their looks then don't rate them at all. And don't be a snob cause you'll get your feelings hurt more than you want. Im 26 years old i know what respect means, and i also know respect is earned. and rating has nothing to do with respect. If everyone was supposed to rate everyone on here a 10 or 11 then those would be the only 2 options up there. And just because you get a certain rate does not mean you will progress. and guess what I'm not on here for that. And I certainly don't view my success rate on that. I have every right to rate whoever I feel like, WHATEVER I feel like. And Also I beli
Not A Moment
Not A Moment Theres not a moment that goes by That I dont think of all you Men/women fighting. Every moment Your lives are on the line. No one Make you sign up. You all signed Because you wanted to You all wanted to server your country You all are giving back something to everyone And someone gave you that something when They served their country Theres not a moment that you wont fight For you freedom Sometimes you take commands And sometimes you give them No matter what you do dont forget that There are people back home who are Thinking about you Theres not a moment that goes by That I dont think of you! Author: Felicia Reader
Not A Clue....!!
really havnt got a!!
Not A Day Goes By.
Not A day Goes By. All I have are pictures, just visions on a screen, I have no way to hold you, no way to show you, just how much you mean, but in my heart and soul, you are forever apart of me, you ask me if I think of you, if my love is real, you have only to open your heart, and inside you will feel, with my every heartbeat, every breath and every thought, I think of you always, love you more then words can say, when don't you cross my mind, a million times a day? Not A day Goes By...
Not An Adult Site.
Again: see this blog --
Not A Virgin
no one dies a virgin everyone gets screwed in life sometime or another
Not About Being Naked....
Though it would probably attract more attention. Anyways, I have the flu and it's icky and it would really really make me feel so much better if I could have more salutes made for me. I never knew what joy that brought until one fateful day when Philemon was bored and made me one. :) Thanks Phil! So, I'll just sit here and be miserable til I get some...and possibly naked, you never know which way this flu will sway me...clothes on, clothes off.
Not A....
Ok...I think some people take this site wayyy too seriously. I'm not knocking what other people do in their own lives. To each their own. Whatever makes you happy then by all means do it. But don't assume that you know me cuz I'm on this site. I'm not into that whole master/submissive thing. The whole fu-owned thing is for fun. Just entertainment. FUBAR/REALITY....KNOW WHERE TO DRAW THE LINE.
Not Again!
Nice to know that people are back lying about us again. First we were lyers, but NO ONE could tell us what the hell we lyed about. NOW all of a sudden we are stealers!!! First off, I have NEVER taken anything from anyone WITHOUT asking first!!! I was raised better than that. I may JOKE, on that subject, but I would not accually do it. I mean come on people. Where the hell are you getting this crap? Why would I steal something from a kid, i was WORKING as a babysitter MAKING money, what reason would I have to steal from some kid!!!!!!!!!! It makes no since what-so-ever. I was making $50 a week babysitting for Jess and Billy...... so why would I steal from some kid? I mean think about it, with the 50$ I was getting thats a game for my brothers Xbox360, or a few wal-mart 2 for 10$ movies...... or even something eles that I may want to spend money on, like wrestling gear..... I don't know who is now telling others that I stold something or in fact anything!!! But I am saying this right FZ*
Not Able To Be On Much...
I have finally moved, but still do not have access to the internet at home. So when I do get a chance to jump on it is quick & fast...but it is usually daily & sometimes several times a day! I promise I will return all the love I can to each & everyone of you :)
Not Always
Its so hard to know that some wishes don't come true So hard to realize that you can't have all you want Sometimes our fantasies carry us away in to a world where everything is ok Its so hard to tell your heart that love is not found Its hard when the person who should always be there We are always taught to trust our hearts that our dreams will never fail us yet we are faced with so many days when all we were taught seems like a lie What can you do when you can't have a dream When you just try but its hopeless When you look at the sky and you begin to cry Wondering where the next step will come from You have no choice but to go on the world can't stop just for your tears You know its unfair And that it's all a lie sometimes But yet there's faith that dreams will come true and sun will shine your way
Not Again
mid 80's She couldn't believe it she'd done it again she'd pushed him away. She had to after all things just weren't going right they never did for her.She'd been on this god forsaken world for what seemed like an enternity. She wasn't human she would never be human what she was she never could explain she never grew old she never changed she looked the same as she did the day she turned 30 and that was over 100 years ago. She sat in complete silence along with the others like her they were always moving they never stayed in one spot how could they sooner or later people would notice they were different.Nymph went to sit next to her wanting to cheer her friend up but knew she couldn't Nina always took it very hard when she had to let go. As they reached a rest area they all got off. Nina went of to the side to be alone and then she thought long and hard what she was about to do she went back in the RV grabbed her bag and walked to what look like some college kids who seemed to be he
Not A Good Weekend
*EDIT Tuesday 10-2-09* The people that I knew that had been missing since the weekend fires have been located in one of the local hospitals. They were injured in a car accident as they were getting out of the fire area, aparently they crashed into a fallen tree and couldnt see in front of them because of the thick smoke. The latest news reports are chilling tho, with almost 200 people dead or missing, 800 plus properties lost, over 300,000 hectares of land razed, 28 fires still burning, 1/2 of these still uncontained. Cam...... Hello all that are interested, Im not sure how many of you know about the bush fires that have ravaged Victoria over the past weekend but in brief the carnage the fires have caused to date is: 100 plus lives lost 750 plus properties list approximately 10,000 hectares of land scorched approximately 4,000 volunteer fire brigade members and over 500 appliances deployed to fight the 20 or so out of control fires. The townships
Not A V-day Blog
This cool chick is going for spotlight. Her BIRTHDAY is March 4th and she really wants to be fufamous for that day! Any fubucks you can send her will be truly appreciated Here is her link to check her out NinjaStars [aka Lovicious Scissorsnatch]@ fubar convenient fubuck link here!!! >>>SEND FUBUCKS!
Not Alone.....ramblings
To much time.... to not be alone. So many sleepless days.... and restless night. To have just met you.... And love you so much. You were right in front of me!! But I could never see.... your invisible smile. Everything seems so right.... to just be held.... in your arms so tight. Time can erase this hurt I feel.... but my feelings sometimes show. And with you beside me.... it feels so real. To not be alone.... from the hurt that does not show!!
Not Again...tagged Again....lmao
Threesomes Share Now, here's what you're supposed to do...and please do not spoil the fun. Start a new note, delete my answers and put in your own. Tag your friends and tell them to tag you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known things about each other. Three Names I go by 1. Hard_Rock 2. Darrin 3. Big D Three Jobs I have had in my life 1. Farmer/Rancher 2. Insurance sellsman 3. Network Tech Three Places I have lived 1. North Dakota 2. North Dakota 3. I need to Three TV Shows that I watch 1. Heroes 2. American Idol 3. UFC fighting Three places I have been 1. Germany 2. Panama 3. Honduras Three people that e-mail me regularly 1. Penis enlargement ads...lmao 2. 3. Three of my favorite foods 1. Steak 2. Shrimp 3. Lobster Three things I would like to do 1. Get the person back that sent me this...he he 2. Live in Florida.... 3. Get Scuba certified Three friends I think will respond 1.
Not A Unique Story
A life altering event happened to me recently. While I am staying strong, coping, and facing life, essential I am crushed, and on the verge of death. As my title implies, this story is not unique in any way. It's your typical story of boy meets girl, they fall in love, girl leaves boy. Anyways, I will just start from the beginning.As most of you know, I was married, had 2 wonderful children, then divorced in the most horrible way. In fact, ALL of my actual relationships ended in the most horrible ways. What most of you don't know is, while I may be wild and rowdy, and do lots of things to many different women, what I want most is to settle down, and have your normal 2.5 kids white picket fence house with a dog. Yet the women I always seem to end up with are the wild crazy, party your ass off whores. So between that, growing up fat with a face full of zits, not having a father in my life, and having a mad woman for a mother, I have made some really bad choices. Also with that, I have gr
Not A Good Year
this year in not a good year at all to miny bad stuff happen to me if you what to talk email me at thinks
Not All The Irish Will Be Celebrating Tomorrow
Just to get this clear to a few. Some Irish and Irish descent don't celebrate St. Patricks day for a very good reason. Possibly the same reason hardly anyone would dream of celebrating hitler invading poland. The reason why is explained by the gentleman in the following text. The Truth Behind St. Patrick's Day Innocent Beer-Fest Or Propagator Of Snake-Hating Extremism? You Decide Ed Dykhuizen, Contributing Writer Well, it's that time of year again. It's the time of year when you forget to wear green to school and everyone pinches you until you're red with shame and then you run home crying and then get in trouble for ditching school! Thanks a lot, Ireland! That's what I hear, anyway. Not that I'd know, heh heh. But St. Patrick's Day is about more than just the private traumas of an innocent, forgetful young boy. It's even about more than green beer and buttons with amusing phrases like "Kiss Me, I Once Met A Guy Who Was Irish." It has a long history, dating back to th
Not A Rant Just Some Thoughts 3/24/09
Im in a damn good mood today and i love it...its been so nice getting away from here and getting back to reality. I just needed that little push back into the real world.. I found on here people act one way and then poof,someone more interesting comes along and you are history, and thats ok,i dont hold it against anyone,but thank you i needed that. AND, dont get me wrong there are those few and only just a few that i deeply care for! In this short period of time ive gotten back to me and moving forward in real life, this is no where close to being reality...sad sometimes,but i remember all to well why i took a break for a year from Fu for this very reason... Thanks to my little break into reality my yard looks beautiful and my flowers are blooming and i couldnt be happier. Im getting ready to turn 30 in a few days and this is not what i want or need for myself,i need to be able to hear someones voice to see there face to touch there skin, to give real hugs if someone ne
Not A Story
(wtf, why is this suddenly not my most recent blog in this blog of bloggy blogness?) I am ridiculously horny. What I'd give to have a girl in my lap, head on my shoulder, whispering in her ear... What'd I'd give to let my hands roam over her, nice and slow, examining every curve, every inch of her long before I started tugging at her clothing. What I'd give to feel the way she'd squirm her hips down against me... the sound of her voice next to me, those little sighs and whimpers and whispered words... What'd I'd give to slide one hand up under her top and taunt and tease her nipples til they were hard enough that they feel almost sharp against the palm of my hand. How I'd love to bite her throat, just hard enough to leave a mark, then lap softly at it with my tongue, soothingly... How I'd love to slide my hand down into her panties and toy with her til she left my hand thoroughly creamy and wet... How I'd love to carry her off to the bedroom and lay her out on t
Not Alone !
Check out and decide for yourself.
Not A Chance.
Not As Angry As I Was Yesterday
You would think that it wouldn't hurt as much to find out close to a year later that you cheated on me. But it did, even though it's been so long since we broke up. Joseph Eugene are a DOG. I'm not angry now, though. I found out that the man I fell in love never really existed. The man i fell in love with was a lie, someone you created just to reel me get me to put out. Because that's all I was to you-a booty call. You only temporarily called me your girlfriend long enough to get what you wanted. And you only said we were breaking up for my sake so i would stay friends with you could still get the benefits when your girlfriend wasn't around. You never cared. And you never even said you were sorry. What kind of man texts a girl and says "i've had a girlfriend for over a year" like it's nothing? Like it doesn't matter to him if he breaks a heart...if he makes tears fall. You cheated on me, Joe. I was nothing but good to you-I did anything you asked me
Not A Problem -=- Created By Thully
I have adopted some extremely dear friends of mine recently. I wrote this for SpicyChiliPepper and her daughter Nicole. There's no reason to feel sadWhen you can joke insteadThere's no reason to become angryWhen all you need to do is smileThere's no need to feel aloneWhen all you need to do is callThere's no need to act shyWhen you look into a room it lights upThere's no cause for putting up with assholesWhen programmers made the /ignore commandThere's no cause for stubbornnessWhen you can have a gentle free willThere's no excuse for bad behaviorWhen energy can be used elsewhereThere's no excuse for someone mistreating youWhen you have someone like me to go toI'm here to lend a helping handI'm here to be your friendJust come to me when you need to talkAnd I'll be here 'til the end!
Not A Mummer
Not Alone
I have recently listened to my heart's lament, Inspecting it critically because it's so content Like the feel of warm sunshine upon my face, Creating memories only God can erase Each night we talk and share our day, My heart longs to be with you in every way. I'm afraid of what I do not know, But baby, I DO know I want you so. Our relationship is bizarre, that much is true, We're not alone now, you have me ... and I have you! Poem by Tammy C.
Not A Two Way Street
i think its funny i have a friend on my friends list i wont give a name becuse iam not like that but anyways i was asking her what was wrong and she said that she really hate men now and i ask why she said its becuse they treat her like shit and never really talk to her only when they want to pretty much and thats when i told her oh kind of like what you did to me at the time when we use to talk iam not shock thats happens alot to me anyways what i think is funny alot of people on here men and woman alike say there looking for that special person wether it may be on here or offline if you dont want to be treat like a stuck up bitch like tons of people who act like it on here then start treating others the way you want to try walking in there shoes and no there is more to a person then there looks like there heart and personailty you may not have to like them but atlest respect them people of all races and ages still have feelings rember that
Not Afraid
Not A Rich Fu....but
I'm not a rich fu i only have 3,551,237 and i'm willing to trade half or most of it fo an auto 11 if you would like to make this deal please SB me for more info also willing to give up some of the fubuck's i make with the auto's on please help a girl out i'm godmother bound Ty your's truly Snuggles
Not A
I just love it when im right... Ive been screwed over once before and it will never happen again as long as i pay attention... xoxoxo Batman 31 Forever
Not A Good Idea
i seen on the news that we are starting to pull troops out of iraq well i am sorry its not a good idea yeah i am glad the troops are comeing home but look we have been down this road before i know once we start to pull out things are going to go back to missed up but i gess the gov and mr obama think this is a goos idea i donot think it is but we will see
Not A Poem, But Things In My Head.
Its been a year since i met you. as hard as these last couple months have been i still think of that day, your smile, how you melted me. of that amazing sunset we shared, and it doesnt make it easier. those memories bring a smile to my face, and so many tears to me eyes. i said it then, that you could do so much better then me. i sabotaged myself. i sabotaged us....... i hurt you. i never meant to, and if i could go back i would do so much differnt, the only thing that would remain the same is the love i still feel for you today, tonight right now as sit and cry writing this. I know you cant go back, but i hope somehow for the mirale of getting to start anew with you. so i can show you that i believe that i am the man you always thought i was. that i am good enough for you, i love you and i always will. you made my day yesterday, i thought things were maybe open again between us, after telling you i missed you, missed hearing you missed talking to you, you called and it me
Not A Day Goes By
Got a picture of you, I carry in my heart Close my eyes to see it, when the world gets dark Got a memory of you, I carry in my soul I wrap it close around me, when the nights gets cold If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine But the truth is, baby If you could read my mind Not a day goes by That I don't think of you After all this time You're still with me it's true Somehow you remain Locked so deep inside Baby, baby, oh, baby Not a day goes by I still wait for the phone In the middle of the night Thinking you might call me If your dreams don't turn out right And it still amazes me That I lie here in the dark Wishin' you were next to me With your head against my heart If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine But the truth is, baby If you could read my mind Not a day goes by That I don't think of you After all this time You're still with me it's true Somehow you remain Locked so deep inside That baby, baby, oh, baby Not a day goes by Minutes turn to hours A
Not A 'pick-and-choose' Gospel
When a member of the LDS Church moves, records are transferred and they are to attend a specific congregation based on their new address. At their new ward, with minor variations, the lessons taught in their Sunday School will reinforce the same gospel principles as the lesson taught in Indonesia, in Argentina and in Utah. The worshiper will find a bishopric on the stand, a common hymnbook, an identical sacrament prayer and a similar meeting format with priesthood, Young Women, Sunday School, Relief Society and Primary organizations. Ecclesiastical leaders and priesthood holders will strive to see that what is taught is in concord with church doctrine. In most of the Christian world this is not the model followed. The predominant practice among those outside the LDS faith is for the individual to visit various congregations and pick one with which their beliefs, ideas and religious views accord. An individual might attend several religious services before she finds a clergyman whose te
Not Again... (1)
I woke up this weekend asking myself...were in hell am I... What happened... and who's kid is that... Yes not again... "Long Live Drinking!"
Not A Good Day At All
Not a very good day at all, I found out when my dad stopped over today that my uncle is in ICU at Munson Hospital in Traverse City after my aunt found him unconscious and he had a massive stroke on Monday night so needless to say I am worried about him and my aunt plus worried about my dad who just had outpatient heart catheterization surgery to put a stint for an artery that was 90% percent blocked so it is a very trying time here that's for sure!
Not A Pretty Girl
"not a pretty girl" by Ani DiFranco i am not a pretty girlthat is not what i doi ain't no damsel in distressand i don't need to be rescuedso put me down punkmaybe you'd prefer a maiden fairisn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewherei am not an angry girlbut it seems like i've got everyone fooledevery time i say something they find hard to hearthey chalk it up to my angerand never to their own fearand imagine you're a girljust trying to finally come cleanknowing full well they'd prefer youwere dirty and smilingand i am sorryi am not a maiden fairand i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhereand generally my generationwouldn't be caught dead working for the manand generally i agree with themtrouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate planand i have earned my disillusionmenti have been working all of my lifeand i am a patrioti have been fighting the good fightand what if there are no damsels in distresswhat if i knew that and i called your bluff?don't you think every kitten figur
Not A Journeyto The Grave
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming – "WOW – What a Ride!"
Not All Vampires Suck Blood
Many people who walk the earth practice the fine art of making others feel responsible and even indebted to them, without cause. "Psychic Vampires" are individuals who drain others of their vital energy. This type of person can be found in all avenues of society. They fill no useful purpose in our lives, and are neither love objects nor true friends. Yet we feel responsible to the psychic vampire without knowing why. If you think you may be the victim of such a person, there are a few simple rules which will help you form a decision. Is there a person you often call or visit, even though you really don't want to, because you know you will feel guilty if you don't? Or, do you find yourself constantly doing favors for one who doesn't come forward and ask, but hints? Often the psychic vampire will use reverse psychology, saying: "Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that"---and you, in turn, insist upon doing it. The psychic vampire never demands anything of you. That would be known in subtle wa
Not A Dirty Word
Ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from? Well here it is: Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water(at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process offermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first timesomeone came below at night wit
Not Always Right |this Is....spyware
Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.” Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?” Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.” Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.” Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.” Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.” Customer: “300?! Is that bad?” Me: “It’s horrible. They cram t
Not Always Right | If At First You Don't Succeed, White Lie Again
(Note: I help callers with connection problems to our wireless zones along train lines.) Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?” Caller: “I can’t access your network!” Me: “I’m sorry about that, let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?” Caller: “I’m traveling in between [city] and [another city].” Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.” Caller: “What can I do?” Me: “Just wait till the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.” Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?” Me: “Sir, it’s 4 am so I’m the only one working.” (The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.) Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?” Caller: “F***!” (Once again, he hangs up,
Not Always Right | God Ma'amit!
Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am, how can I help you?” Customer: “Don’t call me ma’am, that’s rude! that’s like me calling you stupid!” Me: “I apologize… I was just trying to be courteous.” Customer: “I want to speak to the manager.” Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?” Customer: “You’re stupid, and he’s stupid, and everybody that works here is stupid! I’m leaving!” Me: “Have a great day, ma’am!”
Not Always Right | Dumb, Dumber, Dumberest
(I’m waiting in the movie ticket line and overhear three teenage girls having a conversation.) Girl #1: “What is the mat-in-ee?” Girl #2: “That’s like, a sea creature, right?” Girl #3: “OMG, you are so stupid! Its like when you get a discount because your dad is, like, in the military or something.” Girl #1: “OMG, I’m so stupid!” Girl #3: “Yeah, you should pay more attention to your surroundings!”
Not Always Right | One Bad Joke Deserves Another
(I was once a ticket taker at a movie theater. The passageway to the restrooms looked exactly like the passageways to the auditoriums, and it had a small marquee above it, just like an auditorium. Naturally, the marquee displayed the word “Restrooms.”) 2,137th patron who thinks he is making an original joke, pointing at the “Restrooms” marqee: “Is that film any good?” Me, getting tired of the lame joke: “I thought it was OK, but the reviews have been in the toilet.”
Not Always Right | Deep Pockets
Customer: “I’d like to buy the Internet, please.” Sales: “The whole thing?”
Not Always Right | Think Unsexy Thoughts
Elderly Female: “I didn’t know they had digital scales.” Me: *rings through scale* “Yup, they’re pretty cool.” Elderly Female: “Are they accurate?” Me: “I believe so, they measure to one decimal place too so it’s more accurate to read than a normal scale.” Elderly Female: “Oh that’s so lovely!!! I’m going to go home now and weigh myself naked!!!” Me: *bad bad image in head*
Not Always Right | A State Of Mindlessness
(Note: I’m providing tech support over the phone to a customer.) Me: “Okay, so we’re just going to need your phone number before I can go any further.” Caller: “Okay, it’s **** ****.” Me: “…and your area code?” Caller: “Huh?” Me: “What state are you in?” Caller: “Say again?” Me: “What state?” Caller: “Sober?”
Not Always Right | The Joy Of Sex (ism) Part 3
(I’m a male to female transsexual working in a call center. My name is an androgynous name, so I still use the male name when greeting customers for legal reasons.) Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, K***y speaking. How can I help you today?” Sexist Caller: “You can’t help me. Get me someone who can.” Me: “I’m sure I can assist you sir, what is the problem today?” Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to you!” Me: “What’s the problem?” Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to no girl.” (This caused me to both be glad that my voice passes for female on the phone, but really pissed me off cause of how horrible it was…but I would have my revenge…) Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear that sir, are you sure?” Sexist Caller: “Get me a man, God d**n it!* Me: “Okay sir, let me see what I can do. Please hold.” (I proceed to put him on hol
Not Always Right | How Oj Might Order Oj
Customer at a drive-through: “Do you have orange juice, not an orange drink?” Me: “Yes, we have orange juice.” Customer: “I asked if you have orange juice, not an orange drink!” Me: “And I said we do have orange juice…” Customer, yelling: “Why don’t you answer my question!” Me: “I did…twice…” Customer: “F**k you! I don’t need to take this!” Me: “Oooookay then…”
Not Always Right | Be Prepared For.....some Womanly Advice
(Note: I’m a teenager and doing Girl Scout fund raising by bagging at a local grocery store. All the other lanes had baggers, leaving me at self-check out. A customer notices me reaching for his items.) Customer: “I… uh… please… uh… DON’T!” (I notice his purchase consists of condoms, roses, and chocolates.) Me: “Oh! So, anniversary, or did you just piss her off?” Customer: “The second.” Me: “That bad, eh?” Customer: “Yeah, and she hasn’t given me any since! What kind of bulls*** is that?” Me: “When did this start happening?” Customer: “Like a week ago! I don’t even know what I did wrong!” Me: “Don’t you think it’s a bit early for these?” *holds up the box of condoms* Customer: *sarcastically* “What would a Girl Scout know anyways? Since you’re the expert, why don’t you tell me what to do?” (I t
Not Always Right | The Lion, The Witch And The Supply Closet
(Note: The women’s bathroom in our store has a large handicapped stall which also holds an 8 foot tall locked wooden storage cabinet for supplies. ) Coworker: “Thanks for calling *** Coffee, how can I help you?” Customer: “Hi, is this *** Coffee?” Coworker: “Yes it is, how can I help you?” Customer: “This is the *** Coffee in *** Square?” Coworker: “Yes, it is.” Customer: “The one with the bathroom?” Coworker: “Uhhh… yes?” Customer: “Oh, well, I’m calling from the women’s room. The door is locked and I cant get out.” Coworker: “Well, if you turn the handle of the door and pull it should open.” Customer: “There is no handle! I’m locked in!” Coworker: “Okay, I’ll have someone over in a moment.” Coworker, to me: “Ummm… so some lady locked herself in the bathroom and can’t get out.” Me
Not Always Right | So That's The Difference
Me: “Ma’am, are you ready to order?” Customer: “Yes…how many pieces come in the grilled chicken meal?” Me: “It comes with one, but we can put on a second for $2 extra, no problem at all.” Customer: “Okay, do that, then.” Me: “Yes, ma’am. That comes with two sides, what would you like?” Customer: “Just give me a double order of the steamed veggies, please. I’m a vegetarian.” Me: *surprised* ”All right, well, are you sure you want the chicken, then? It’s made of actual meat….” Customer: *angrily* “I said I’m VEGETARIAN, not a damn VEGAN!” Me: “…yes, ma’am, my apologies.” (I then retreat to the back to enter in her order. As I do so, the manager walks up.) Manager: “You look annoyed; something wrong?” Me: “Just wishing we served alcohol…I could use a shot.”
Not Always Right | Welcome To Retail
Me: “Hello this is Kevin.” Customer: “YOU SON OF A B****, YOU SOLD ME A DEFECTIVE MONITOR! I never in my life have had to deal with such bull s*** in my life. I don’t know what type of f***ing black magic you did to make it work at the store, but–” Me: “Ma’am, did you push the power button? Customer: “… Oh, thank you.” *click* Me: *sigh* Supervisor: “Yo dude, what’s up?” Me: “I need a raise…”
Not Always Right | Who's Got The Power Now
Me: “How can I help you?” Irate Caller: “Yes, I just purchased one of your wireless routers and your stupid tech support in India just told me I have to plug it into an outlet.” Me: “Uh… yes, ma’am. It needs to be plugged into an outlet to get electrical power.” Irate Caller: “I purchased a WIRELESS router, so it shouldn’t require wires! Doesn’t it use batteries or something?” Me: “No, ma’am, ‘wireless’ means you don’t need wires between the computer and the router.” Irate Caller: “Wireless means WIRE-LESS! If this thing has to be plugged in with a wire, I want a full refund!” Me: “If the product isn’t what you expected, I suggest you return the device to your local retailer.” Irate Caller: “NO! That’s not good enough! They won’t take it back because it’s been opened! I want you to give me a refund!” Me: “
Not Always Right | Bagging For Trouble
(I was standing in line behind a group of girls who had bought a pack of pencils.) First girl: “Can we get a bag?” Cashier: “I’m sorry, I’ve already given you one. I’m afraid I can’t give you another.” Second girl: “Why not? The woman ahead of us got three bags!” Cashier: “Yes, and all three of them were full. I can’t give you another bag.” First girl: “That is bull****! You gave her all those bags and can’t fork over one more for me?! ” Cashier: “I’m sorry… no, I can’t. She needed the bags for the items she purchased. ” (The third girl grabs a pack of gum and throws it on the counter.) Third girl: “Fine. If we get this, can we get another bag?” Cashier: “No, you can fit that in your first bag. There are other customers wait–” First girl: “F*** you! You’re just doin’ this ‘cuz we’re teenagers
Not Always Right | The Store My Friend Is Blowing In The Wind
Customer: *on the phone* “I’ve been trying to order a book from your store in Palm Harbor for the last two days, but they never pick up the phone!” Me: “OK, what number are you calling?” (The customer gives me the number and I check our records. She has been calling the right number.) Customer: “I’ve been calling and calling and they never, EVER answer! It’s so unprofessional! I need you to contact them for me.” Me: “Well, to be honest, if they never pick up for you, they’re not going to pick up for me either, but I’ll see if our manager has a suggestion.” Customer: “Well, obviously you should try calling on the employee line!” Me: “We don’t have that, ma’am. We call each other’s stores with the same numbers you’re using.” Customer: “When you get through to them, tell them I want them to order this item…” (The customer gives me all the
Not Always Right | Behind Every New Sign Is Someone Stupid
(I work in the mail room of a large corporate law firm filled with Harvard grad attorneys.) Attorney: “I’m needing to send a fax and this machine has a problem!” Me: “Okay, let me help you with that.” Attorney: “This machine doesn’t have a dash button!” Me: “I’m sorry, a dash button?” Attorney: “Yeah, like in the instructions, 201 DASH 555 DASH 1234…” (After this incident we had to go back and change ALL the signs for the fax machines on every floor to say “Do not include the dash”.)
Not Always Right | Copycat...copy Dogs..copy Sheep
Customer: “I need a book on cloning.” Me: “OK - would you like a book on the ethics of cloning, or maybe the history of it?” Customer: “No, I need a how-to book on cloning animals.” Me: “Um…cloning is a pretty complicated process. You’ll need several years of college education to be able to clone an animal.” Customer: “No you don’t! That’s just what we’ve been told! I read about it, and you can do it with a turkey baster in your kitchen!” Me: “I think you’re thinking of artificial insemination…” Customer: “NO I’M NOT! I NEED TO CLONE MY DOG!” Me: “…” Customer: “I have a boy dog, and I love him very much, but he’s a bad dog. I heard that girl dogs are much nicer, so I want to clone my dog and make a girl dog! STOP HIDING THE BOOKS FROM ME!!!” Me: *points to back corner* “Our science section is that way.
Not Always Right | Trust Me...he'll Wake Up For This
(The fire alarm is going off at our extended-stay hotel. I get a call at the front desk.) Hotel Guest:”What is that sound?” Me:”That’s the fire alarm ma’am, please evacuate the building.” Hotel Guest: “Well, can you please turn it off? My son is sleeping.” Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Only the Fire Department can, once they inspect the building. Please take your son and evacuate the building immediately.” Hotel Guest:”I can’t do that, he’s sleeping!” Me: *bangs head on the counter*
Not Always Right | Hmm...i Think Someone Made A Phone Call
Customer: “Yes, I’d like… some pine.” Me: “Okay. What size do you need?” Customer: “Oh, just a regular board.” Me: “No problem. But lumber comes in different sizes. What size would you like?” Customer: “Just a regular size.” Me: “I’m sorry, but there really isn’t a ‘regular size.’ Did you want to check and find out what size you needed?” Customer: “No, I just need an average size piece of wood.” Me: “Maybe I could show you our lumber so you could see which one looks right?” Customer: “Look, I just want a piece of pine! Or uh… fir. Or spruce.” Me: “Maybe you’re looking for 2 inch thick lumber? Or is it just 1 inch, like shelving board?” Customer: “No, that’s too short.” Me: “That’s how thick the lumber is. The shortest we carry is 6 feet. What is the board being used for?”
Not Always Right | And The Cycle Starts Anew
(A customer stomps into my store and starts yelling at me.) Customer: “I had an allergic reaction to a Vanilla Ice Blended from the store in [other location] and the manager there said I could have whatever I wanted here for free.” Me: “I’m sorry to hear about that. Do you have a receipt?” Customer: “I had to drive out to Cedars-Sinai last night and I was there until four in the morning! The people at [other location] said I could have anything I wanted! I had an allergic reaction!” Me: “Well, then… what would you like?” Customer: “I want two Vanilla Ice Blendeds…”
Not Always Right | It's About The Destination, Not The Journey
Customer: “Yeah, I went to order your cream online and there’s a problem. It asked for my name and address. I want to order anonymously.” Me: “Well, we would have to have your name and address to able to ship you anything.” Customer: “Why? Me: “We need to know where to ship it to.” Customer: “Really?!”
Not Always Right | If It's So Easy, Do It Yourself.
(We get a phone call on a Thursday night in December, the busiest season in catering.) Customer: “May I speak to the owner?” Me: “This is the owner. How may I help you?” Customer: “NO, I mean the guy who is the owner.” Me: “That’s my husband. I’m sorry, he is busy at the moment. Is there something I can help you with?” Customer: “I need a catering menu emailed.” Me: “I can certainly do that for you. When is your event?” Customer:”Saturday.” Me: “This Saturday? Like two days from now?” Customer: ”Yes.” Me: “Well, I apologize but we are completely booked for this Saturday.” Customer: “That’s why I wanted to talk to the other owner. I spoke to him two weeks ago and he said you were not booked.” Me: “We weren’t booked two weeks ago, but we are now.” Customer: “Well, I’ve already sent out the invita
Not Always Right | It's Why Some People Have Children.
(A man comes in with about 4 children running about behind him. He comes up to the counter.) Me: “Can I help you?” Customer: “Yeah…I’m looking for some *whispers*…porn.” Me: “You mean adult movies?” Customer: “Yeah, I guess.” Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock those here.” Customer: “What?!” Me: “There are some stores in the town centre. Perhaps you can try there?” Customer: “I want some porn now! What kind of store is this?” Me: “I apologise, but we don’t stock adult movies.” Customer: “This is ridiculous, I only want to watch some porn with my wife.” Me: “Sorry, this is a family store.” Customer: “MAYBE IT’S FOR THE KIDS TOO! ” (Customer storms out with all 4 children jumping around behind him as I stand there dumbfounded.)
Not Always Right | I'm In Your Hubz Burnin Up Your Portz
Me: “Welcome to *** support, how can I help you?” Customer: “One of my computers doesn’t have internet.” Me: “Okay, is it in a hub?” Customer: “Yes.” Me: “Can you try a different port?” (I hear scuffling in the background.) Customer: “It works now.” Me: “Well, great. That port on your hub must be burned out. Just order a new hub from your admin, or use this port instead.” Customer: “But why?” Me: “Because it’s burned out.” Customer: “I know, but why is burned out?” Me: “…” Customer: “I like this port! How could it be burned out?” Me: “It just is. It’s like reaching into a bag of chips and getting that green one: sometimes it just happens.” Customer: “That’s chips, this is a hub! I want to know why it burned out! Tell me why!” Me: “I don’t know! Terrorists or somet
Not Always Right | Poodle Bites Woman, Claims Insanity
(I’m outside walking a small poodle before her bath.) Passing woman, to the poodle: “Oh, what a pretty kitty! Hello, kitty!” Me: “…”
Not Always Right | And Here's To You, Fido Robinson
Me: “Hello, Mrs. ***, how can I help you?” Customer: “I’m very upset because you have my dog’s name before my last name here on this check-in sheet!” Me: “Well, that’s because we print out the pet’s first name and your last name so we know who the pet belongs to.” Customer: “But this is horrible! It is though you are saying I am married to my dog! I’m not into bestiality!” Me: “No, it is more that we are trying to say that you are like the pet’s parent.” Customer: “You are saying that I gave birth to a dog?!” Me:” No…I’m really sorry, but the computer prints out the pet’s first and the owner’s last name. It is part of the system and I cannot change it.” Customer: “It’s the computer’s fault?” Me: “Yes. I am so sorry, but I cannot change the program. It does this for every pet.” Customer: “Then
Not Always Right | It's How Old Folks Say I Love You
(I’m ringing up a young man’s order. There’s an older regular customer drinking coffee at a table across from our counter.) Me: “Okay, your total comes to $5.63.” Young man: “Oh, all I have is $5. I left my wallet at home.” Older customer: “What’s he short, a dollar? Here, I’ll give him a dollar. Come here kid.” (The young man walks over to the older customer’s table to get the dollar.) Young man: “Thank you, thank you so–” Older customer: “WHY DON’T YOU GET A F***ING JOB?!” Young man: *runs out of the store*
Not Always Right | And They Say Time Travel Is Impossible
Customer:”How much longer is your department open today?” Me: “Two hours.” Customer: “Oh… uhm, you on Mountain Time, then?” Me: “No, we’re on Pacific.” Customer: “I’m in Mountain time, so in reality, you’re only there another hour.” Me: “Sir, seriously, we’re here another two hours regardless of what time zone you’re in.”
Not Always Right | You Know You've Had Too Much To Drink When...
Customer: “I’ll have a margarita please.” (I get a margarita and serve it to the woman.) Customer: “Excuse me, miss? Can I please have another margarita? This one doesn’t have enough quatilia in it.” Me: “Ma’am, your drink is strong, I can guarantee it.” Customer: “How do you know there is enough quatilia in this?” Me: “Because you said “quatilia.” Customer: “Yeah, and?” Me: “It’s called ‘tequila.’” (Customer face turns a nice shade of crimson.)
Not Always Right | Grab Bag: Alaskan Cruise
(I worked briefly in one of the regional offices for a cruise line. One of my jobs was to read all customer comment cards from the end of their tours and cruises and enter the comments into our database.) 1. “Please cut down some of the trees in Denali National Park. It is difficult to see the forest because these trees are in the way.” 2. “There are a lot of old cars scattered all over the place. Can you please remove them? They look ugly.” 3. “I wanted to see Mt. McKinley but it was raining and too cloudy. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.” 4. “I couldn’t swim in the outside pool on the cruise ship because it was raining the entire trip. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.” 5. “I didn’t like the reindeer sausage you served on the train. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.” 6. “I wanted to see the wildlife tour, but 5:00 am is way too early for me to wake up while I’m on va
Not Always Right | Soggy Software
(This call came in shortly after Hurricane Katrina.) Customer: “My computer isn’t working.” Me: “It’s not working, or your service isn’t working?” Customer: “My computer itself will not turn on.” Me: “Well, since it’s not a service-related problem, I can’t really help you with fixing it. When was the last time it worked?” Customer: “Well, we had to evacuate for a few days, and then we came back to clean up. I fished the computer out of the swimming pool and let it dry out, then got it hooked back up.” Me: “Yeah, that’s not gonna work.”
Not Always Right | Not The Crema Of The Cropa
Customer: “Hi, I’d like a decaf espresso.” Me: “Certainly, ma’am.” (I deliver the espresso to the table.) Customer: “Excuse me, but asked for decaf.” Me: “Yes ma’am.” Customer: “But this isn’t decaf.” Me: “I assure you, madam, that it is decaf. We use different machines for decaf and regular.” Customer: *gesturing at the crema* “But I can SEE the caffeine!”
Not Always Right | Getting A Word In Edgewise
Customer: “I want to see that brooch.” Me: “Here it is–” Customer: “How much is it?” Me: “Well, it’s–” Customer: “You don’t need to know where I get my money from!” Me: “Oh, okay. Well, it costs–” Customer: “I’m on a disability pension.” Me: “It costs thirty–” Customer: “And it’s none of your business why!” Me: “Thirty five dol–” Customer: “I had an accident and broke my leg.” Me: “…” Customer: “Do you want to know why I’m buying this?” Me: “Umm… no, it’s okay.” Customer: “BECAUSE GREEN IS MY FAVORITE COLOR!”
Not Always Right | Aaa Men, Brotha
(When I was a teenager I worked in a skateboard shop in the mall.I was working with my buddy and we see a loud, filthy group of guys coming down the hall towards our store.) Loud, filthy customer #1: ”You guys sell hackie sacks, the kind with sand in ‘em?” Me: ”Yup, right there.” *pointing* Loud, filthy customer #2: “What’s the return policy?” Me: “Thirty days with a receipt.” Loud, filthy customer #2: ”So, if I shoot this hackie sack with mah sawed-off 12-gauge and run it over in mah truck, you’ll still take it back?HAW HAW!” Me: ”Heh, no. Thanks, guys.” (They leave. All the while, my coworker has been there, arms crossed, not moving an inch, with a cold, dead, angry stare.) Coworker: ”Cousins need to STOP f***ing.” (I’d never laughed so hard in my life.)
Not Always Right | Is The Mouse Moving Or Am I Moving?
Me: “Okay, so what seems to be the problem?” Caller: “Well, it’s my son’s computer, it’s… smoking.” Me: “It’s smoking? Is it making a loud beeping sound or is it hot? Anything else that would indicate that it’s on fire?” Caller: “No! It’s not hot or anything. In fact, it seems to work just fine, but after it being on for about two or three minutes it starts to smoke.” Me: “Okay… well, shut the machine down, unplug it, and then hold down the power button for about ten seconds.” Caller: “Ok. Got it. Now what?” Me: “Ok, open the case and take a look inside. Does anything look melted or cracked or–” Caller: “Oh…” Me: “You found the problem?” Caller: *angry* “Oooh yeah. There’s… uh… there’s a little plastic bag taped to the inside of the case… full of dried green stuff.&rdquo
Not Always Right | In-conceivablt Kooky
(A little old lady approaches me as I am tidying up some shelves.) Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but I can’t find your Columbia Crest Cabernet?” Me: *I point to the shelf above me* “It’s right there.” Customer: “Oh my, I feel so foolish!” Me: “Not at all. It’s a big store and can get a little confusing, even for me.” Customer: “Now what about some Hess Cabernet?” Me: (I walk her to where it is and take the bottle down for her.) Customer: “I LOVE you!” Me: “Hehe, no problem!” (I see the check-out lines at the front of the store are full, so I follow her up to help at the registers. After a few customers, she comes through my line.) Customer: “You can take my money too?! Amazing!” Me: *laughs* “Yes, I have many skills.” Customer: “What are some of your other talents?” Me: “Well, I can sing!” Customer: “You can CONCEIVE?!&
Not Always Right | Now That's What I Call Customer Service
(A customer used to come into the store about once or twice a month. She walks up to the new releases, and then proceeds into the center of the store where we don’t have many security cameras and stuffs the movies into her purse. We knew she had been doing it for quite some time, but we legally aren’t allowed to stop her. However, we got a new manager.) Me: “Just leave her alone, she’ll be gone soon.” Manager: “Watch this.” (The manager walks up to the woman as she finishes stuffing the movies into her purse.) Manager: *smiling* “Good evening, ma’am, can I help you steal anything else today?” (The customer goes white and runs out of store. She never shows up again.)
Not Always Right | Airheaded Part 3
Manager: “May I help you?” Customer: “I would like to return these wind chimes. They don’t work.” Manager: “Okay, are they broken?” Customer: “No, they just don’t work.” Manager: “Well, where did you hang them?” Customer: “On my back porch.” Manager: “Well, they should work just fine there.” Customer: “They don’t… my husband and I sit on the porch and no there is no sound from the chimes!” Manager: “Is your porch screened in? That could reduce the wind.” Customer: “No, it’s glassed in…” Manager: “… I believe I know what the problem is.” Customer: “Can you fix it?” Manager: “No, but I can sell you a fan!”
Not Always Right | Airheaded Part 2
Customer: “My son let go of the balloons. I need more.” Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that takes a long time to do and were very busy now. It will take at least an hour.” Customer: “But the party is now! What the f*** am I supposed to do with no balloons?” Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it takes a while. I will do them as fast as possible.” (He leaves and I start to fill up so many balloons my fingers are red.) Customer: “About time!” Me: “Okay, sir. I’m sorry you lost the balloons, so I took 25% off.” Customer: “You’re charging me for these?!” Me: “Yes, you are buying more balloons.” Customer: “But I just paid for balloons, and they flew away.” Me: “I’m sorry, but you bought them and you’re buying more. I need to charge you.” Customer: “But this was your fault! You shouldn’t have made them so… floaty!” Me: “
Not Always Right | Airheaded
(A man and his girlfriend are standing towards the front of the line to board an airplane. I’m a passenger who overhears their conversation.) Airline employee: “We are now boarding numbers 1 through 30.” (The man begins to walk away, but his girlfriend stays put.) Girlfriend: “Where are you going?” Man: “They called numbers 1 through 30.” Girlfriend: “But my number is 6!”
Not Always Right | She Fought The Law And The Law Won
(This is one of those chains that does gunned ear piercings. Gun piercings have MANY risks–embedding being one of them. A customer walks in with two children, ages 4 and 7.) Customer: “The stone fell out of her earring. Can you put a new one in?” Me: *examines ear* “Ma’am, the earring is embedded in your daughter’s ear. You need to go to the doctor. I can’t help you.” Customer: “No, stone fall out of earring, we just need new one.” Me: “No, ma’am. You see, putting the back on too tight like this pulls the front of the earring INTO the earlobe and it becomes stuck.” Customer: “Okay, you take out.” Me: “You aren’t getting it…it is stuck inside her ear. A doctor needs to cut her ear open with a scalpel and retrieve the earring.” Customer: *freaks out and starts stringing expletives together* (I retrieve her waiver to show her where she signed in FOUR places stating sh
Not Always Right | From Zero To Stupid In 10 Seconds
Customer: “Hi, I just brought this machine. I hooked it up as per the manual and it won’t turn on.” Me: “Did you plug it in?” Customer: “Of course. I’m not an idiot.” Me: “Did you turn off the surge-master?” Customer: “Yes.” Me: “Double-checked all the wires?” Customer: “For God’s sake, YES! It was fairly simple; it’s all color-coded. You’d have to be a moron to make a mistake.” Me: “OK…why don’t you tell me what you did?” Customer: “I unpacked it, plugged all the wires in, and then plugged it into my outlet.” Me: “Then?” Customer: “Then I put the accelerator on the floor and stepped on it.” Me: “…ma’am, there is no accelerator on your computer…” Customer: “Yes there is! It’s that thing that has two buttons on either side, and that little wheel on the bottom!
Not Always Right | He Who Eats Less, Laughs Best
(While I’m working, I see this teenage girl pull up in an really nice car. With her orange spray tan and expensive clothing, I could tell it would be interesting.) Me: “Hey, what could I get for you today?” Customer: “You’re going to make me a non-fat shake with non-fat mix, non-fat milk and non-fat chocolate. Me: “Oh, Ok…I’ll have that done for you in just a second.” (Right before I start to blend the shake, she speaks up:) Customer: “So since you work here, do you eat a lot of ice cream?” Me: “Well, I suppose I eat enough to be able to recommend stuff to customers….” Customer: “Well, you just look like you eat a lot of ice cream. You might want to quit your job before you get too fat.” Me: “Thanks for that advice.” (While my coworker rings her up, I proceed to add 5 pumps of chocolate syrup, extra chocolate chips, and tons of extra ingredients to her shake, putting i
Not Always Right | Head Explodes In 5, 4, 3, 2...
Me: “Thank you for choosing ***, how may I help you?” Customer: “Yes, I would like the patty melt meal.” Me: “Okay, would you like the single or double meat?” Customer: “I just want it the way it comes.” Me: “Well, we have it in a single and a double meat.” Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!” (I didn’t want to piss her off anymore, so I just rang up the double meat. She eventually pulls to the first window.) Customer: “EXCUSE ME SIR! Why weren’t you listening?” Me: “I was, ma’am.” Customer: “NO YOU WEREN’T! I HAD TO TELL YOU 3 TIMES!” Me: “Ma’am, we have a double meat or a single meat of the burger. You wouldn’t answer my question.” Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!” (At this point, I’m just like screw it and I apologized and gave her the change.) Me: “Have a good–”
Not Always Right | Sloth, Envy, Lust ....and Prepaid Gas
(We are a prepay station. A little old lady walks in.) Lady: “So what, I can’t get gas now because so many idiots drive off? What kind of world do we live in that a Christian doesn’t get treated right?” Me: “… I’m sorry, Ma’am, we lost over 75,000 gallons of gas last year due to drive offs.” Lady: “This is just stupid. Why don’t you just turn the d*** pump on? I’m filling up, I don’t know how much it’s going to take.” Me: “Ma’am, you can either leave your keys, a credit card, or an ID, and I’ll be more than happy to turn the pump on.” (The lady hands me a $20 bill.) Me: “Alright, I’ll just prepay this 20, and it’ll shut off for you when it hits 20.” Lady: “No no no. That’s my down-payment. Turn the pump on and I’ll come pay the rest.” (I sigh and turn the pump on, I’m really not supposed to, but at least I&
Not Always Right | Fpelling Is Fimple
(I’m trying to instruct a caller how to visit a website.) Customer: “It says ‘page cannot be displayed’.” Me: “Okay, please go to” Customer: “Okay, it came up.” Me: “Alright, it looks like we got the address wrong the first time. Let’s try it again.” *I spell out the entire URL* Customer: “It’s still not working.” Me: “OK, could you please spell it back to me?” Customer: “H-T-T-P-F…” Me: “I see what happened here. At the beginning we need to put H-T-T-P-S as in ‘Sierra’.” Customer: “OK, H-T-T-P-F…” Me: “No, not F as in Frank, S as in Sam. S as in sample.” Customer: “H-T-T-P-F…” Me: “Sir, no, we need to make sure that it is an S as in Sierra.” S as in solution.” Customer: *really upset at this point* “YOU’RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE! F AS IN SIE
Not Always Right | If The Zits Don't Kill You, The Angst Will
Me: Hello this is [doctor’s office], how may I help you?” Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!” (From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.) Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–” Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead…and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!” Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.” Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”
Not Always Right | Why Husbands Should Play Boy The Rules
Me: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. ***?” Wife: “He’s in the shower, may I ask what this is about?” Me: “I’m just calling to find out if he would like to renew a magazine subscription.” Wife: “What magazine?” Me: “Playboy, ma’am.” Wife: “Just a second.” (I can hear the shower in the background.) Wife: *sweet voice* “Honey! Someone is calling to see if you want to renew a magazine.” Husband: “Which one?” Wife: *slightly homicidal voice* “Playboy…” Husband: “Uh…no, I don’t think I’ll renew that.” (The wife picks up phone again; her sweet voice is back.) Wife: “No, thank you. I don’t think we’ll be needing that one anymore!”
Not Always Right | Read/write/think Error
Customer: “You said you were going to save all my data to the DVD! I can’t get anything!” Me: “I assure you, I saved it to that DVD.” Customer:“No, no! It’s still not there! It keeps telling me to insert the disk!” Me: “Well…did you put the DVD in the drive yet?” Customer: “No! Does it have to be there?” Me: “Yes, it does. You can’t view the contents of the DVD unless the drive is able to read the DVD.” Customer: “Well, that’s just silly!”
Not Always Right | Not How A-dress A Customer
Me: “Hello, [pizza delivery]. Can I help you?” Customer: “I’d like to order some pizzas, please.” Me: “No problem.” (The call proceeds normally; she orders two pizzas and we make a little small talk.) Customer: “Can you deliver them, please?” Me: “Sure, address?” Customer: *long pause* “Pardon?” Me: “The address?” Customer: *long pause again* “I’d like to speak to your manager now, please.” Me: “Is there a problem?” Customer: “Just put your manager on!” (I call my manager over.) Manager: “Hello, what appears to be the issue?” (The manager talks with the customer for a while. He eventually hangs up, throws the order slip in the trash, and bursts out laughing.) Me: “What was all that about?” Manager: “She thought you were asking if she was wearing ‘a dress’ and wanted to complain.”
Not Always Right | Dripocalypse Now
(I work at a commercial property development/management company. I got this call from a new tenant’s office.) Me: “Good afternoon, [property management company].” Tenant: “This is going to sound crazy, but I think Armageddon might have just started in the break room.” Me: “Okay, why do you say that?” Tenant: “I turned on the tap, and blood came out of the faucet. So, it’s either the end of the world, or turkey blood.” Me: “Turkey blood?” Tenant: “We just washed out a turkey in the sink; maybe the blood got sucked back into the pipes. I don’t think we should drink the water.” Me: “Yeah, that’s pretty alarming. I’ve never heard of that happening, but I will get you a plumber out there ASAP.” Tenant: “Great, thanks. Everyone thinks I’m crazy, but I swear, blood came out!” Me: “I will take care of this, don’t worry.” (I hang up and
Not Always Right | Can't Take A Hint (or Leak)
Customer: “Excuse me, the bathroom door is locked and I can’t get it open. Do you have the key?” Me: “No, ma’am. If the door is locked, that means someone is using it.” Customer: “Is there a way to make sure?” Me: “Did you knock?” Customer: “Yeah, and whoever is in there keeps yelling at me that they’ll be right out!”
Not Always Right | Lost In Translation
(I’m a host at a restaurant and am talking to a customer after ringing them out.) Customer: “So, are you in high school?” Me: “No, I’m in college.” Customer: “Oh, that’s great! What do you want to do with your degree?” Me: “Well, I’m majoring in history. I want to get a Ph.D. and be a professor.” Customer: “Oh, you shouldn’t do that. You should be an air traffic controller!” Me: “Um…I don’t know if that’s the right job for me. It would be a little too stressful.” Customer: “But you know what the worst job in the world is?” Me: “What?” Customer: “Translator.” Me: “A translator? Why?” Customer: “Because the government kills them.” Me: “What?” Customer: “It’s true, my husband was in the Navy for 35 years, and after secret meetings the translators knew too much, so they would
Not Always Right | Stuck In Reverse
(Note: I am a woman that works at a convenience store nearby a motor speedway.) Me: “Hello, sir, is there anything else I can help you with?” Male customer: “No, the only thing left I need is someone to tell me who is in which car racing today. You wouldn’t know anything about that.” Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but why wouldn’t I know anything about the race?” Male customer: “Well, ’cause you’re a woman!” Me: “Okay, sir, so what you’re saying is because I’m a woman I can’t possibly know anything about Jeff Gordon in 24, Ryan Newman in 39, or Tony Stewart in 14. Did I miss anyone that you were particularly interested in?” Male customer: “Umm…no?” Me: “Okay, then. Thank you and come again!” (The customer looks down, takes his items, and walks out of the store. The next customer is also male.) Next Customer: “So, what do you think about Stewart
Not Always Right | You Got The Wrong(est) Number
(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.) Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?” Customer: “How much for my daughter?” Me: “Um…” Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.” Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.” Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?” Me: “Adult websites.” Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”
Not Always Right | Golden Rule, Meet Golden Bulldozer
(I work for the city and am repairing potholes in a residential neighborhood. Suddenly, a resident comes running out in his bathrobe.) Resident: “Hey! What the h*** do you guys think you’re doing?!” Me: “We’re fixing these potholes, sir.” Resident: “You guys can’t be here! You did not clear this with the homeowner’s association!” Me: “Sir, I’m with the city and we don’t have to clear these repairs with any association.” Resident: “Like h*** you don’t!” Me: “Please step back sir. I have to continue working and you are too close to the job site.” (The resident runs back into his house and comes back out with a small bucket of yellow paint. Before we can stop him, he starts painting the dings and scratches on our bulldozer.) Me: “What are you doing, sir?!” Resident: “If you don’t have to clear repairs with us, then I guess I don’t have to
Not Always Right | Temporal Retentive
(I work at a restaurant as a hostess. I see a customer, her young daughter, and her mother on their way out so I bid them farewell.) Me: “Have a nice night. Thanks for coming!” *smile* (The customer gives me a long stare and then mimics me.) Customer: *sarcastically* “Have a nice night…” Customer’s mother: “Can I have your store’s phone number and your name? I would like to complain about your behavior!” (I don’t know what this is about, but I still give them the phone number. Two hours later…) Manager: “Hey, a lady just called and complained about you.” Me: “Really? What did she say?” Manager: “You told her to have a nice night.” Me: “What’s wrong with that?” Manager: “It was still light outside.”
Not Always Right | 18 & Under Blunder
Me: “Hello, this ***. How may I help you?” Customer: “Hi, I have your company name on my credit card bill with a charge of $29.99. I’ve never heard of you guys.” Me: “Okay, sir…there’s a purchase of a monthly subscription to our adult website in here.” Customer: “Adult website? What, as in porno?” Me: “That’s correct, sir.” Customer: “This is nonsense! I’ve never bought any porn!” Me: “Sir, we do have the order in your info in here. If you are not satisfied with the content, however, we can give you a refund.” Customer: “I never ordered any porn! This is an outrage! I’m a married man, a father and a family man!” Me: “You said family man, sir?” Customer: “Yes!” Me: “How old is your son, sir?” Customer: *long pause* “I’ll call you back.” *click*
Not Always Right | Night Of The Loving Dead
(I’m a personal trainer and at the end of a set my client makes an announcement.) Customer: “So, I think I’m a necrophiliac.” Me: “Um, what?” Customer: “I think I’m a necrophiliac.” Me: “And why would you think that?” Customer: “Because I’m always tired and I keep falling asleep at my desk.” Me: “Narcoleptic.” Customer: “What?” Me: “You think you’re narcoleptic.” Customer: “Right. What did I say?” Me: “Necrophiliac.” Customer: “What does that mean?” (I tell him.) Customer: “Oh God NO!”
Not Always Right | Time For Allergic Reaction
Customer: “Can I have the breakfast sandwich without tomato, please?” Me: “Sorry, sir, but the sandwich is pre-made. You can just take the tomato off it, if you want.” Customer: “No! I’m extremely allergic to tomatoes. That could kill me!” Me: “Well, if you want to wait five minutes or so, I’ll make you one special without tomatoes.” Customer: “That would be great.” (I go to the kitchen, wash everything that might have touched a tomato, and make the guy a sandwich. I come back out and hand it to him.) Customer: “Thanks. You got any ketchup?”
Not Always Right | A Question With No Good Manswers
(I’m handing out fliers outside a women’s clothing store. A man walks up to me.) Customer: “Hello! How are you today?” Me: “I’m fine, thanks. Would you like a coupon to get 30 percent off all merchandise in the store?” Customer: “Do you sell sweaters here?” Me: “Yes, we do. Are you looking for a gift for someone?” Customer: “No. I’m done with my Christmas shopping.” Me: “Well, the coupon’s good until Boxing Day.” Customer: “What sizes do you have?” Me: “Extra small to extra large.” Customer: “What size am I?” Me: “Umm, I’m not sure sir. I’m not really good at guessing sizes.” Customer: “Well, if I were to try something on, what size should I try?” Me: “Well, this is a women’s clothing store. I’m not sure that you would fit the sizes here.” Customer: “Are you calling me fat
Not Always Right | Mind Over Biodegradable Matter
(I work in a very environmentally conscious salon. We provide mugs for people to use for their coffee so that no garbage is created.) Me: “Hi! My name is ***. I’m going to be cutting your hair today. Tell me what you would like to–” Customer: “Do you have a styrofoam cup?” Me: “We have mugs right here. would you like some coffee?” Customer: “Are you crazy? I can’t use a public mug, I’m a doctor! Do you even know what kind of germs are on those mugs?!” Me: “I assure you that the mugs are perfectly clean. Also, we don’t believe in using styrofoam because it is bad for the environment.” Customer: “Are you for real? You don’t have a styrofoam cup anywhere in this whole place?” Me: “Yes, I’m sure.” (I get her away from the coffee discussion and start cutting her hair and making small talk.) Me: “So, what kind of doctor are you?” Customer: &ldquo
Not Always Right | Not Quite A Family Business
(The shop work in gives their staff a 15% discount using a discount card. Staff are allowed to lend that card to family members. On this particular day, I had left my name-tag at home.) Me: “That will be 79.00, sir.” Customer: “Oh, I get a discount. I just haven’t got the card at the moment.” Me: “Okay, who do you know that works here?” Customer: “Miss ***.” Me: “How do you know her?” Customer: “She’s my daughter!” Me: “Dad, last time I saw you, you had a beard and glasses!” Customer: “Excuse me?” Me: “Sir, I’m Miss ***.” Customer: “Oh, haha, very funny. You’ve had your fun. Now give me my discount.” Me: “I’m afraid I can’t.” Customer: “You lying b***! You’re not Miss ***! I can’t believe my own daughter won’t give me a discount!” (The customer leaves in a huff. The next custome
Not Always Right | With Great Retail Power...
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it seems like your credit card isn’t working. Would you like to pay in cash?” Customer: “What? That’s not possible. Try it again.” Me: *after trying a few more times* “Do you have a different card? This one might just be having problems. Or you could just pay in cash?” Customer: “No! I don’t have cash. Just give me the items.” Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am.” Customer: “Why not? I need them to stop the world from ending!” Me: “Sorry, I still can’t.” Customer: “What sort of a monster are you? If the world ends, you’re to blame!” *storms out*
Not Always Right | Directionally Impaired
(I work at a theme park and the ride I operate requires riders to pull down their own lap bars.) Me: “When you’re all seated, please pull down on the lap bars in front of you.” (Everyone is seated, and all but one guest pulls down their lap bar. She’s talking to her friends, so I catch her attention.) Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, could you please pull down on your lap bar so we can get the ride going?” Guest: *blank stare* Me: “The black lap bar right there in front of you. Just go on ahead and pull it down so it’s secure.” Guest: *blank stare, puts hands on the bar* Me: “That’s right, just pull it down…” Guest: *raises hands in the air* Me: “…”
Not Always Right | Four Legged Friends With Their Two Legged Twits
(A customer comes into our pet store during the winter.) Customer: “When they salt the streets, it burns my dog’s paws.” Me: “Well, we have shoes for your dog right over here.” (I show her the different sets of shoes we have available.) Customer: “Wait, why are there four shoes?”
Not Always Right | Tasting Is Believing
(The pool I work at is run using a salt water system instead of chlorine. I am in the process of adding salt to the pool when a hotel guest shouts at me from a poolside chair.) Hotel guest: “Miss! What are you putting in that pool?” Me: “It’s just salt. It’s not dangerous to you or anyone swimming in it. In fact, it makes the water that much safer.” Hotel guest: “Salt? That makes no sense! No one puts salt in a pool! They put chlorine! Why are you lying to me?” Me: “Sir, I assure you that this is nothing more than food grade salt.” Hotel guest: “I don’t believe you! It has to be chlorine! Get over here!” (I walk over to the man with my bucket of salt, where he proceeds to stick his entire hand in, pick up salt, and eat it.) Hotel guest: “Oh…I guess it is salt. Can I have a glass of water?”
Not Always Right | Let The Flamewars Commence
Me: “Hi, how can I help you?” Customer: “I want to buy a PS3.” Me: “That’s great. Which one would you like?” Customer: “What do you mean?” Me: “Well, I have an 80GB and a 160GB available.” Customer: “What does that mean?” Me: “One has twice the memory of the other.” Customer: “What does that mean?” Me: “One system can store two times the amount of data as the other.” Customer: “What does that mean?” Me: “The 160GB system can hold twice the amount of songs, videos and game saves.” Customer: “Well, what is the difference between the two?” Me: “One system has twice the memory of the other.” Customer: “Can they both play PS3 games?” Me: “Yes, sir…” Customer: “Then what is the difference between the two?” (This went on for awhile. He ended up buying an Xbox 360.)
Not Always Right | I Can See Clearly Now The Brain Is Gone
Me: “Hello, may I help you?” Customer: “I need binoculars.” (I show him a selection of binoculars.) Customer: “No, no, no. Not one of these. I want one with a magnification of fifty or so.” Me: “I’m sorry, there are no binoculars with a magnification of fifty.” Customer: “Are you saying I’m wrong? I’m an engineer. I have two diplomas. Two! I know how things work, thank you!” (He grabs one of the binoculars, holds it the wrong way round and looks through it.) Customer: “This one’s broken!”
Not Always Right | Extremely Public Education
Me: “Hi, can I take your order?” Drive-thru customer: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Me: “Can I take your order?” Drive-thru customer: “I know, I heard you. But why would you ask that question like that?” Me: “Um, I need to know what food to have prepared for you.” Drive-thru customer: “Don’t get smart with me! I heard what you said, and I would prefer it if you’d word your sentence differently.” Me: “Oh, okay. May I take your order?” Drive-thru customer: “That’s better! Yes, you may!” Me: “Okay, what would you like?” Drive-thru customer: “I’m not sure yet. Give me a minute!”
Not Always Right | A Smokin Deal
Customer: “Excuse me, miss?” Me: “How can I help you?” Customer: “Why are these brownies “special”?” Me: “They’re the bakery’s special of the week. They’re on sale now through Saturday.” Customer: “So, there’s nothing different about them?” Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.” Customer: *winking* “They’re not…’special’ brownies?” Me: “Oh! No, sorry, they’re just normal brownies.” Customer: “Never mind, then.” *sets down the container and walks away*
Not Always Right | Elmer Fudd Calling Line One
Me: “Thank you for calling [cellphone store], what can I do for you today?” Customer: “I’m having a problem with my phone. Can I bring it to your store? Me: “If you want to bring it to us, we’ll do our best to troubleshoot the phone. But if it’s physically broken it’s unlikely we’ll be able to fix it. If that’s the case we’ll be happy to look into options to replace the phone.” Customer: “What would you consider to be physically broken?” Me: “Just something like a broken screen or cracks in the casing, or any kind of moisture damage.” Customer: “Moisture damage?” Me: “Right. We can’t really do much about moisture damage to a phone.” Customer: “Would that include rabbit blood?” Me: “… yes.”
Not Always Right | Pretty In Puke
(I’m a customer eating at a restaurant which has a house challenge: if you eat one of their extra large pizzas by yourself, you’ll get it free and get your name and picture on the wall. I’m watching another customer who has eaten half the pizza when this happens:) Chef: “You having trouble there, buddy?” Customer: “Nah man, I got this, I got this…” (The customer takes another bite, chokes it down and throws up on the floor.) Chef: “Woah, woah! Someone get that cleaned up. Buddy, I think you need to stop.” Customer: “Nah man, I got this, I can do this!” (The customer vomits again.) Chef: “Alright that’s it. You gotta quit, both for your sake and mine.” Me: “He’s spitting out more than he’s eating.” Customer: “Man just…gimme like two minutes and I’ll be okay…” Chef: “Tell you what, you get outta my store and I’ll give you
Not Always Right | A Tall Story
Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?” Customer: “A pack of cigarettes.” Me: “Can I see your ID please?” (He hands over an ID of an obvious relative, but not him. The ID says he’s 6′1” and 238 lbs, but this kid is maybe 5′7” and 180 lbs.) Me: “This is you?” Customer: “Yeah.” (I proceed to quiz him on everything on the ID and he gets it all right, without hesitation.) Customer: “Um, I’ve been sick.” Me: “So you lost some height then?”
Not Always Right | Solid Love
(Our store phrase is “filled with love” and is printed on all of our products.) Customer: “So…. if I bite into this… Will love pour out?” Me: “No, it’s solid love.”
Not Always Right | Machines 1, Humanity -16
(It’s 15 minutes before our law firm opens, and the phone has been ringing constantly. We normally let it go to the answering machine, but I decide to pick up since this caller obviously wants to talk to someone.) Me: “[Law firm], how can I help you today?” Caller: “Your d*** law firm only has machines! I can’t ever talk to a real person! Why is that?!” Me: “Ma’am, we’re not open until 8:30 am. I just picked up the phone a little early since you kept calling. Also, I’m not a machine.” Caller: “Well, you tell the real people when they come in that they’re not getting my business!” Me: “Ma’am, I am a real person. I can help you. Please, just let me have your name and I’ll look you up in our system.” Caller: “You d*** machines! I’m not giving you s***! When I finally talk to a real person, I’m going to let them have it!” *hangs up*
Not Always Right | He Scolds Seashells By The Seashore
(A customer walks up to me with a box of popcorn shrimp.) Customer: “Excuse me, is this okay for someone with a shell fish allergy? My daughter is highly allergic to shell fish.” Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but shrimp are shell fish. Maybe you should get popcorn chicken instead?” Customer: “But it says it’s popcorn shrimp! That means that the shell is made of popcorn and not an actual shell. In that case, it would no longer be a shell fish and only seafood, right? Me: “Sir, shrimp has a shell, so it is a shell fish. The shells are not made out of popcorn.” Customer: “LIES!” *storms off, but thankfully leaves the box*
Not Always Right | Please Do Not Lather Up The Employees
Customer: “Excuse me, dear, can you help me?” Me: “Sure.” Customer: “I want a body wash that doesn’t have soap in it.” Me: “Sure. There are a few different types of this brand here, that does not contain soap.” Customer: “But which one doesn’t contain soap?” Me: “None of them do, madam. The entire range doesn’t contain any soap in their products.” Customer: “I want one without soap. What about this one?” *picks up a bottle* Me: “Yes, that’s one without soap.” Customer: “Oh. Does it lather up?” Me: “I haven’t tried this brand, but it’s popular. It’s also about 40% off, so now’s a good time to try it.” Customer: “Well, you should have tried it so i know whether or not it lathers up! Next time I come in, I want you to have tried it so I know whether or not it lathers up!”
Not Always Right | Please Do Not Pet The Employees
(I was a volunteer at the zoo, and was walking around an exhibit room with a boa constrictor in my arms so people could pet her.) Man: “Can we pet it? It’s not slimy, is it?” Me: “No sir, not at all. She’s very sweet, go ahead.” Man: *pets snake* “Wow, it’s really soft.” *reaches for my head* “Let’s see if its handler is, too…” Me: “?!?” *dodges his hand* (Thankfully, he left quickly!)
Not Always Right | Equivalence, Meet Ignorance
Customer: “I’m looking for an outfit for a one year old girl.” Me: “Sure, all of the twelve month clothing is in this section.” Customer: “No, she’s one.” Me: “Right, so that would be over here.” Customer: “You just said that was twelve months!” Me: “Yes.” Customer: *slowly* “I’m looking for ONE YEAR.” Me: “Would you like to go up one size to 18 months?” Customer: “Is there someone else who can help me?” (I go and get my manager.) Manager: “How can I help you?” Customer: “Your employee doesn’t understand English. I’m looking for clothing for my one year old granddaughter.” Manager: “The twelve month clothes are over here.” Customer: “What is WRONG with you people?”
Not Always Right | Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition Part 3
Me: “Hi, what can I get you?” Customer: “I want the chocolate ice cream.” Me: “Okay, sir. What size would you like?” Customer: “I want the size that fits in the waffle cone.” Me: “All of our sizes will fit in the waffles.” Customer: “Oh. Okay.” Me: “What size would you like?” Customer: “The one that comes in a waffle cone.” Me: “We can put any of the sizes in the waffles.” Customer: (Pause.) “Will the small fit in the waffle cone?” Me: “Yes, sir.” Customer: “What about the medium?” Me: “Yes.” Customer: “And the large?” Me: “Yup.” Customer: (Longer pause.) “So, if I get the medium, can you put it in a waffle cone?”
Not Always Right | Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition Part 2
(A customer comes to the counter to borrow a DVD, I go into the back and get the one he wants, and all seems normal…) Me: “May I have your card?” Customer: *presents a bank card* Me: ”I mean your library card.” Customer: “You mean I can’t buy it?” Me: ”No, you can only borrow from a library. You can buy DVDs in the shop around the corner. Customer: ”Oh…. so I can’t buy it here? I have to borrow it?” Me: ”Yep.” Customer: “I wanted to buy it.” Me: “You can only buy it from shops. Are you a member of the library? Customer: “No, I wanted to buy this DVD.” Me: “You can’t buy things here, you can only borrow things when you’re a member.” (By this point there is quite a long queue behind him, so I ring the bell for assistance.) Customer: ”What’s that bell for? Is it for getting a copy I can buy?” Me: ”No
Not Always Right | Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition Part 1
(There is a huge line of customers waiting on their drinks. An impatient customer who just placed his order assumes the next drink is his and takes it, after I call someone else’s name.) Customer: “This isn’t hot chocolate.” Me: “That’s because you grabbed someone else’s drink.” Customer: “But it isn’t hot chocolate!” Me: “There are nine people in front of you waiting for drinks. You grabbed the wrong drink.” Customer: “But it isn’t hot chocolate.” (I look at the order screen for the name on the drink he took.) Me: “Is your name ***?” Customer: “No, and this isn’t hot chocolate!” Me: “That’s because you took ****’s drink!” Customer: “It’s not hot chocolate!” Me: “Hand me the drink and I will remake the person who’s drink you took. I’ll make your hot chocolate, but it will take a few minutes!!
Not Always Right | Lost Within A 100 Feet Of Paradise
Guest: “I need you to put [theme park] into my GPS.” Me: “Sir, it’s right around the corner. We even have a free shuttle that’ll take you over.” Guest: “No, I want to DRIVE. Just put the coordinates into my GPS.” Me: “Well, sir, it’s probably already a landmark in your GPS, but as I said, you just have to go out of the parking lot and turn right. The parking structure is just across the way there.” Guest: “I need exact directions! Put the location into my GPS!” Me: “Sir, I assure you, it’s already in your GPS. If you’d like, I can also provide you with a map. See?” (I show him a pre-printed paper map that indicates the parking structure is literally across the street.) Guest: “I want the park put into my GPS!” Me: “Sir, I promise you that the park is in your GPS already, unless it’s a very cheap unit.” Guest: “It came with my BMW rental!&rdq
Not Always Right | Getting On Your Nerves
(I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic). Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?” Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be over before you know it.” Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give the shot? I need to know!” Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–” Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!” Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.” Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”
Not Always Right | The Cds Are Full But The Mind Is Blank
Me: “Alright sir, I looked at your computer and it looks like you need to reinstall your office software before we can proceed.” Customer: “Oh, okay.” Me: “Can you show me where your software installation CDs are?” Customer: “My what?” Me: “The CDs that your office software came on when you first bought them.” Customer: “Oh, I threw those out.” Me: “Why? Was there something wrong with them?” Customer: “No, of course not. I installed the software and then threw out the empty discs.”
Not Always Right | Talk About A Long Weekend
Me: “Good afternoon, [theme park]. How can I help you?” Caller: “Hello. Can I just ask when are your firework nights this year?” Me: “They are on the 27th, 28th and 29th October.” Caller: “Okay…are they all Saturdays?”
Not Always Right | The Lesser Of Two Buttocks
Caller: “I’m finding out that hamsters like to move around a lot. Do you have a pet that doesn’t move as much?” Me: “What seems to be the problem with the hamsters?” Caller: “Well, I don’t like it when they move suddenly. It scares me. And I don’t like their rears.” Me: “Their…rears?” Customer: “Yes, their rears! I don’t like it when they don’t face me. Do you have a pet that doesn’t move as much?” Me: “Well, we have tarantulas… they mostly just sit there and move slowly and rarely.” Caller: “What’s a tarantula?” Me: “It’s kind of a big hairy spider.” (Suddenly, it sounds as if the phone has hit the ground. A few moments later…) Customer: “I think I’ll stick with hamsters.”
Not Always Right | Microsoft Works Part 2
Customer: “My computer keeps stopping.” Me: “Stopping?” Customer: “Well, yeah. I click on things and nothing happens.” Me: “Have you rebooted the machine?” Customer: “No. Actually, I’ve got a lot of websites open. Do you think I’ve run out of Windows?”
Not Always Right | Appointment With Stupidity
Me: “Service Center, how may I help you?” Customer: “I need to make an appointment to get my oil changed.” Me: “Oh alright. Well, just so you know, you can come in whenever you are available during the week.” Customer: “So, Monday through Friday?” Me: “Yep!” Customer: “So, wait…we don’t need an appointment?” Me: “Nope, just come right in!” Customer: “So, what your saying is we don’t need an appointment?” Me: “Yes, ma’am.” Customer: “I dunno about that.” Me: “About what?” Customer: “Not having an appointment.” Me: “Well, do you want me to put you down for an appointment?” Customer: “You just said I didn’t need one!” Me: “Well, so you’re not so confused, I can put you in whatever slot you want.” Customer: “No, I’ll just go somewhere else!”
Not Always Right | Not Thinking Outside The Box
Caller: “I have a wireless printer, and it won’t install. It says print out of the box. What do I need to do?” Me: “Have you installed the printer onto you network?” Caller: “Well, it says print right out of the box so I thought that meant leave it in the box.”
Not Always Right | An Open(ed) & Shut Case
Customer: “I need to return this DVD player.” Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We actually can’t do a return on opened merchandise.” Customer: “This isn’t open.” Me: “It’s been opened and re-taped.” Customer: “Why would you think that?” Me: “Because no manufacturers use duct tape to seal boxes.” Customer: “So you’re calling me a liar?” Me: “I’m not trying to, but this has obviously been opened and re-taped and therefore can’t be returned.” Customer: “What do you know? Where’s your manager?” (I call my manager and he tells the customer the same things I told her and points out the duct tape. She starts cursing and pounding her fist the counter. My manager finally gives in just to get the customer out of the store. 20 minutes pass and the phone rings.) Me: “Thank you calling ****. How may I help you?” Customer: &ldq
Not Always Right | Can't See The Forest For The Los Arboles
Me: “Gracias por llamar a [company name], en que le puedo asistir hoy?” Caller: “Excuse me?” Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, your call came in through the Spanish line. How may I help you today?” Caller: “I want to talk to somebody in English.” Me: “I speak English ma’am, You must have pressed the Spanish option through the automated system, but I will be more than happy to help you.” Caller: “What was that you were speaking before?” Me: “Spanish.” Caller: “I want to talk to somebody in English.” Me: “Ma’am, I speak English as well. How may I help you today?” Caller: *slowly* “I want to talk to somebody in the United States who speaks English!” Me: “Thank you for calling [company name], how may I help you today?” Caller: *hangs up*
Not Always Right | We Want Your Braaiiiiiiiins
(A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.) Subject: “So I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?” Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.” Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”
Not Always Right | One Should Learn From Mistakes So They Are Not Receipted
(I’ve just finished ringing up a customer.) Customer: “Oh, and I don’t need a receipt.” Me: “Alright, here you go. Have a nice day!” (About 20 minutes later, the customer comes back.) Customer: “I bought the wrong figure! I need to make an exchange!” Me: “All refunds and exchanges are done at Customer Service. Good thing I held on to your receipt!” (I hand him his receipt and he went to Customer Service. He gets his refund, then comes back to my register with a different toy.) Customer: “Alright, this was what I wanted to buy! Oh, and I don’t need a receipt.” (This time, I put his receipt in the bag without saying a word.)
Not Always Right | The Abundance Of Nuttiness
Me: “Thank you for calling [grocery store]. How can I help you?” Customer: “I bought peanut butter! Now I don’t know what to do with it.” Me: “Excuse me?” Customer: “You had peanut butter on sale–buy two, get one free. I bought the two and got one free, and now I have nothing to do with it!” Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not the fault of the store. Customer: “What do I do with it?!” Me: “Put it on a sandwich?” Customer: “Do you know how many calories are in two tablespoons of peanut butter? 200! 200 calories!” Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what to do with your peanut butter.” Customer: “I don’t care! If you don’t tell me what to do with it right now, I’m going to complain to your manager and have you fired!” Me: “Ma’am–” Customer: “What do I do wit
Not Always Right | Name Brain Drain
(A customer reads my name tag.) Customer: “That’s a strange name isn’t it?” Me: “Heh.” Customer: “How do you pronounce that? Tain-ee…Trenay? Seriously, what is that? Welsh? Irish?” Me: “Uhm…” Customer: “It sounds really exotic, really foreign.” Me: “No no, I am a Trainee. Trainee isn’t my name.” Customer: “Ohh, right. Well, thanks for the help, Train-ee!”
Not Always Right | Life's A Beach
(Note: I work as a lifeguard at a beach.) Beachgoer: “Excuse me!” Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?” Beachgoer: “I just got cut by a rock in the beach.” Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like to make a trip to first aid?” Beachgoer: “No, I would like to complain.” Me: “About what?” Beachgoer: “You work at the beach, right? You should make sure the sea is safe enough to swim in!” Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t actually–” Beachgoer: “Nonsense! You should make sure there are no rocks! I want to talk to your manager!” (I call up my supervisor.) Supervisor: “Yes, what seems to be the problem?” Beachgoer: “I want to complain about your staff.” Supervisor: “Yes, what did they do?” Beachgoer: “She told me she can’t clean the sea of rocks. What if I get another injury?” Superviso
Not All "organic Products" Are Organic
As the environmental trend is growing in popularity, many businesses are beginning to slap the word “organic” on many of their products. Since there’s no law from preventing businesses to use the organic label, many consumers are often misled. When one purchases an authentic organic skin care product such as aluminum free deodorant, they will be able to experience many benefits for the body. It contains only the purest ingredients, allowing pores and glands to be revitalized so one could stay fresh in the underarms. Natural cosmetics are also another product that consumers need to pay extra attention to. Most women at least apply makeup three times a day; once in the morning, reapply for the afternoon, and possibly even change up the look for the evening. With the frequency that they use makeup, they need to ensure that their products contain minimal chemicals, if not none. With the continuous use of synthetic products, there is a greater chance that pores will be
Not A Tax Hike, Madame Speaker?
Since when is a tax hike not a tax hike? Apparently when Nancy Pelosi uses political doublespeak to mislead the American people. Watch this video of Pelosi's linguistic contortions as she argues that a $1.4 trillion dollar tax increase -- one of the largest in America history -- on middle class families and small businesses isn't one at all. Any way you put it, the fact of the matter is the Obama and Pelosi Democrats don't believe you should be able to keep more of your hard earned income. They support confiscating more of your money through higher taxes to fund their reckless spending and debt, expand the size and scope of government and redistribute your wealth to their liberal allies. But Pelosi will not stop at $1.4 trillion in new taxes. Under her leadership, the Democrat controlled U.S. House has already passed a national energy Cap and Trade tax that could cost American businesses and families nearly $2 trillion and cause massive job losses. If it walks like a duck, quack
Not Always Right | Three Dimensions Is Two Too Many
Customer: “Excuse me, but why are you closed at the moment?” Me: “Umm…sorry?” Customer: “Why are you closed?” Me: “We’re not closed, we’re open for business. Can I help you with anything?” Customer: “No, you are closed. That’s what that sign says.” *points to hanging sign on door* “See? It says ‘CLOSED’ in big red letters.” Me: “Actually, that sign is to indicate to the people that are outside that we are open for business. It says ‘OPEN’ on the side pointing outwards. It flips, see?” *I go and show her* Customer: “But it says on this side that you are closed. Why are you closed?!” Me: “I can assure we are open. Are you sure I can’t help you with anything?” Customer: “I swear if this is one of those elaborate radio station hoaxes, I will never shop here again!”
Not Always Right | Just Follow The Purple Brick Road
(At the bike rental shop where I work, we usually give customers a map of the area to know the route they’re taking.) Customer: “Which of these routes do we take?” Me: “You’re going to follow the bike path. It’s the purple one on your map.” Customer: “Oh, perfect!” *to her friends* “We just have to look for a purple trail!”
Not Always Right | Totally Plastered
Me: “Alright, your cast is on nice and secure. It should heal within four to six weeks.” Patient: “Really? Only four to six minutes?” Me: “No, four to six weeks.” Patient: “Okay, four to six minutes.” Me: “Sir, it’s impossible for it to heal within four to six minutes. It takes about four to six weeks.” Patient: “Oh, all right.” (I turn around to fill out his form. When I turn back around, he has taken off his cast.) Me: “Sir, why did you take off your cast?!” Patient: “Well, you said it heals within four to six minutes, but you said it was too short, so I waited seven minutes…but it still hurts.” Me: “Sir, your arm is still broken. Four to six weeks is around a month and a half.” Patient: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?! A month and a half is five weeks! Why did you say four to six minutes?” Me: “I never said
Not Always Right | Tit For Tat(too)
(I have a tattoo on my foot of a vine of ivy. Usually, I hide it with my socks and shoes while working, but one day they get wet on the playground so I take them off to keep from getting blisters. While I’m changing shoes, a child notices the tattoo.) Child: “Oh! What’s that?” Me: “It’s a tattoo, it’s like a permanent drawing on your skin you can get when your 18.” Child: “Can I touch it?” Me: “Sure, it just feels like skin.” (Several kids come over to touch my tattoo. A mother walks in.) Mother: “Is that a tattoo?” Me: “Yes.” Mother: “You should be ashamed! You are setting a bad example for these children! That could be a gang symbol or related to drugs like marijuana!” Me: “Ma’am, it’s just ivy.” Mother: “What?! I don’t know anything about your drug symbols. This is highly unprofessional and I will be speaking to your boss! Advocati
Not Always Right | Fun With Photons
Me: “Hi sir, was there anything I could help you find today?” Customer: “Yes, I was wondering something. Why do all these glasses have the same white circles on the lenses? It’s really unstylish. I’m surprised people like this store!” Me: “Sir, that’s the reflection of the light on the glasses.” Customer: “Oh.”
Not Always Right | Truly Fake Intentions
(A customer and his wife come in to find an outfit for her to wear. He seems particularly interested in one that’s being worn by a mannequin.) Me: “Can I help you, sir?” Customer: “I was wondering if you have the outfit on the mannequin?” Me: “Unfortunately, I sold the last one earlier today. The one the mannequin is wearing is the only one I have.” Customer: “Well, why can’t you just give me that one then?” Me: “I can, but I do have another almost identical outfit in stock.” Customer: “No, I want that one!” Me: “Okay, sir.” (I start dragging the mannequin to the back.) Customer: “Where are you going?” Me: “City law says I can’t undress her in front of the windows, sir.” Customer: “Well, why can’t I have that one?” Me: “Sir?” Customer: “I want the one on the mannequin!” Me: “That’s what I’
Not Always Right | Getting Your Priorities Straight Part 3
(I work in a store near a drive-through safari. One day, a motorcycle rider comes into the store.) Manager: “Sir, you can’t go through on a motorcycle–it’s not safe for you or the animals. Motorcycle rider: “I’ve been through before in my car and nothing happened.” Manager: “Sir, there are bears, monkeys, and giraffes wandering loose. You could be hurt. We can’t let you got through. We offer a bus service–” Motorcycle rider: “This is discrimination! What kind of place doesn’t allow cycle riders?” (During this time, a group of bus riders is shopping in the store. One of them speaks up.) Bus rider: “Oh, just let him get eaten! That’s a nice bike, and the monkeys and bears will tear it apart anyway.” Motorcycle rider: “They’d do that to my bike?” (He rode the bus that day.)
Not Always Right | Getting Your Priorities Straight Part 2
(A customer comes in with four very young kids.) Customer: “Does [R-rated police drama] have any nudity in it?” Me: “No, but it’s incredibly violent.” Customer: “…but there’s no sex or nudity, right?” Me: “No, it’s just really violent and bloody.” Customer: “I’ll have one adult and four kids, please!”
Not Always Right | Getting Your Priorities Straight Part 1
(A guest approaches the hotel front desk.) Guest: “Um, hi…it looks like there was a pretty bad accident right down the street there…” Me: “Oh okay, I’ll call 911.” Guest: “It looks like a cab and a bus.” Me: “Okay, thank you.” *picks up the phone* Guest: What are you doing? Me: “Calling 911.” Guest: “Look, a lot of people have cell phones, I’m sure it’s fine. What I’m concerned about is that I think that was my cab.” Me: “?” Guest: “SO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL ME A CAB OR NOT?!”
Not Always Right | Disappointed By Lack Of Disappointment Part 2
Me: “Thank you for calling Tech Support, how can I help you?” Customer: “My device won’t charge!” Me: “Okay, is it plugged in right now?” Customer: “No, but it doesn’t charge!” Me: “Okay, ma’am, just to cover all the bases, can you plug it back in for me?” Customer: “Okay, but it won’t charge!” *pause* “G** D*** it! It’s charging!” Me: “Well, it sounds like it was a one-time glitch, but if it gives you any more problems, please call us right away so we can get it fixed for you, okay?” Customer: “I’m not going to call you back! You’re just going to make it work again!”
Not Always Right | Disappointed By Lack Of Disappointment Part 1
Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant]. How may I help you?” Caller: “How long is your wait right now?” Me: “There is no wait at the moment.” Caller: “What does that mean?” Me: “That you don’t have to wait for a table.” Caller: “But how long is the wait?” Me: “There is none. You will be seated right away.” Caller: “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me!”
Not Always Right | Understating The Obvious Part 2
(It’s a slow day at the mall when a customer walks our store. Two steps in, she puts her fingers in her ears.) Customer: “Can you turn that music down?!” Me: “Ma’am, I can’t turn it down, but I’ll ask my manager.” Customer: “Okay…” *walks to the back of the store with her fingers in her ears* Me, to my associate: “Can you go ask the store manager if we can turn down the music? I don’t want a customer shopping with her fingers in her ears.” (She eventually returns to my counter.) Customer: “Can’t you turn it down?! I’m the only one here!” Me: “Ma’am, we’re working on it.” Customer: “The bass is too loud!” Me: “We’ll get the volume down for you.” (My associate walks to the back room, and as he opens the door the customer continues shouting until he turns down the music. Satisfied, she eventually buys one shirt.) Cust
Not Always Right | Five Days Later
(A customer in their 50s walks into my pawn shop, which sells weapons.) Customer: “Yeah, can you get me that shotgun behind the table?” Me: “Sure, do you have your license and registration?” Customer: “Yeah, right here.” Me: “Thank you sir. There’s a 5 day waiting period for firearms. Come back soon.” (He looks disappointed, but forks over the cash and walks out. Five days later…) Customer: “Okay, dude, I’m back. Where’s the gun?” Me: “Right here, sir… (I make the transaction and hand him his shotgun.) Me: “Have a nice day and come back soon!” (About one minute after the customer leaves the store, I hear several loud shotgun blasts. I look through the window and the man is firing rounds into the air! He then runs into the store.) Customer: “The zombie invasion has begun! It’s every man for himself!” (I hide under the desk and press the silent alarm
Not Always Right | Sins Of The Father
Me: “How can I help you?” Customer: “I can’t do that thingy.” Me: “I’m sorry, What thingy?” Customer: “Emails. It keeps saying error 421. I never put that number in.” Me: “That’s an error number. Can you tell me what lights are flashing on the modem?” Customer: “What’s that?” Me: “It’s a small box with cables running into it. It will have a lot of lights flickering on it.” Customer: “The box with the blinky lights?” Me: “Yes, that should be it.” Customer: “Oh, I thought my son put that in here to annoy me, so I unplugged it!”
Not Always Right | Understating The Obvious Part 1
Me: “Thank you for calling [TV service], my name is ***. How may–” Caller: “I don’t care!” Me: “I’m sorry?” Caller: “I don’t care what your name is! You guys are what’s driving me to start using again!” Me: “Okay…how can I provide you with the best value and service?” Caller: “You don’t care about that! All you care about is going home at the end of your shift and having that first sip of beer!” Me: “Actually, ma’am, I’m 19, so I don’t drink.” Caller: “You’re just a young punk! You should be at home with your mommy!” Me: “Okay.” Caller: “You’re too young to be working! You don’t know anything!” Me: “Um…could I have your phone number so I can pull up your account?” Caller: “No! That’s private!” Me: “Okay, how about your name?” Cal
Not Always Right | It's All In Your Head
(I’m a cashier at the local grocery store. One evening, a customer comes up to my till.) Me: “Did you find everything okay today, sir?” Customer: “Yes, thank you, I did.” (I start scanning his items. Out of nowhere, he grabs the hand-held scanner and points it at his forehead. Naturally, nothing comes up.) Customer: “Just as I thought. I’m priceless!”
Not Always Right | Neither Gratis Nor Grateful
(At the mall one day as a customer, I get tired and try to find a place to sit. All the benches are taken, so I sit in one of the coin-op massage chairs. Another customer in the chair next to me turns to talk.) Other customer: “This isn’t all that great.” Me: “What’s not?” Other customer: “This chair. I hardly feel a thing!” Me: “That’s odd. I guess I won’t pay for a massage, then.” Other customer: “Pay? It isn’t free?” Me: “No, you have to put some money into the coin slot there. I guess that’s why yours isn’t working.” *laughs* Other customer: “Why are you laughing?” *hands me a dollar* “Make it vibrate!”
Not Always Right | Be Scared Of Customers You Will
(At the theater where I work, the new Star Wars movie has just premiered a few days prior.) Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I see your ticket please?” Customer: “The force is strong with this one.” Me: “Okay, I take it you’re seeing our new Star Wars movie? It’s a really good movie, sir.” Customer: “I challenge you to a light-saber battle!” (Suddenly, the customer whips out two light-sabers from under his cloak.) Me: “Sir, I’m actually working right now, but your movie will start in fifteen minutes. If you’d like, you can head into the theater.” Customer: “Challenge you I have. Defeat you I will!” Me: “No, not today sir. Work I must.” *light laughter* Customer: “But…but I have challenged you! I sense the force within you is strong!” Me: “Really?” Customer: *nods* Me: *looks around* “Alright, just give me one.” (He then proceeds
Not Always Right | Varicose To His Wife
(I work on a cruise ship, and it’s 3 pm on embarkation day–the day all guests board. There are hundreds of people in the main atrium, milling about, asking tour questions and filling in forms. A male guest in his 50s approaches one of the tour staff with a paper in hand.) Customer: “I have filled my form out. It says here you need to check it?” Me: “Yes, you have a medical waiver for our snorkel tour. I’ll check it over so I can give you your tickets.” (I read the form and notice that ‘Circulatory Problems’ has been checked.) Me: “Sir, it says here you have circulation problems. Is this exercise related?” Customer: “No, I had a minor surgery.” Me: “Ah, was it cardiovascular, or–” (A woman, also in her 50s and dressed in a blue velvet leisure suit with lots of gold jewelry suddenly bursts in.) Customers Wife: *very loudly* “Harvey, what is this man asking you? I’m his wife
Not Always Right | They Call Me Doctor Diy
(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.) Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?” Me: “Clockwise.” Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?” Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.” Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?” Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.” Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.” Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.” Doctor: “What was that?” Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.” Doctor: “Oh, I see.
Not Always Right | You Got The Wrong(est) Number Part 2
Electronics Store | Fort Myers, FL, USA Customer: “Why do you people keep calling me!” Me: “Excuse me?” Customer: “Ever since I bought this blasted phone the only phone calls I have gotten are from you people! I want you to stop calling me!” Me: “I’m not sure what-” Customer: “You know exactly what I’m talking about! How can you be so rude as to call someone’s house to bother them? Other people are trying to get through and are complaining to me because they aren’t getting a hold of me at home!” Me: “Do you have it with you?” Customer: “YES!” *pulls the phone out of purse* “LOOK! Right there! It’s your people’s number! It’s so rude!” (When you buy the phones, they have a sticker over the caller ID screen with our 1800 number on it. She hands me the phone with the sticker still on it.) Me: “It’s okay, ma’am, we haven’t
Not Always Right | No Ifs, Ends, Or Butts
Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I help you?” Customer: “Yes. I need to know if my insurance covers a butt indent.” Me: “I’m sorry…could you say that again?” Customer: “I need to know if my car insurance covers a butt indent. There’s one on the hood of my car. What is that covered under and how much is my deductible?” Me: “Um…do you know how it got there?” Customer: “No. It looks like a small butt, though.” Me: “Well, I can’t tell you what it would be covered under until I know how it got there. Do you know if it was the result of a collision or not?” Customer: “What?” Me: “You have two different deductibles for your comprehensive coverage and your collision coverage. Do you know how the…butt ended up there? ” Customer: “No, but it’s a small butt on the hood of my car!” Me: “Well, your
Not Always Right | Dr. Jekyll & Mrs. Hyde
Me: “Thank you for calling, this is ***. How may I help you today?” Customer: *cheerful* “I need you to check my account.” Me: “Certainly, I’d be happy to do that for you. May I have your identification number so I can look you up in our system please?” Customer: “My what? Why would you want that? Don’t you know who I am?” Me: “Unfortunately not, ma’am. We have no real way of knowing who is on the other end of the line unless you give us either that number or your social security number.” Customer: *suddenly demonic* “HOW DARE YOU! YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE TERRORISTS, AREN’T YOU?!” Me: “Um… excuse me?” Customer: “YOU want my social so you can steal my identity, don’t you? That’s why you called me, to steal my credit score, you little punk!” Me: “Ma’am, you called me. This is your insurance company. Just read me the number on the
Not Always Right | The Imperial Left Or The Metric Left
Guest: “How do you get to a cash machine??” Me: “You exit the hotel, turn left, and then–” Guest: “Turn left?” Me: “Yes, left.” Guest: “Left?” Me: “Yes, left.” *pointing with my hand* Guest: *confused* “Left…right…” Me: “Left in England is the same as left in America.” Guest: “Oh, okay! I get it!”
Not Always Right | Fowl Outdoor Behavior
(At the theme park where I work, a teenage guest gets out of line and marches up to me at my spot greeting people.) Guest: “There are two birds back there fighting in the bushes. You should go stop them.” Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t really have any control over nature.” Guest: “But they’re fighting. One of them could get hurt.” Me: “I’m sure they’ll sort it out soon and fly off.” Other guest: “Those birds aren’t fighting…they’re ‘dating’.” (The guest thinks about it for a moment.) Guest: “What?! And you’re just going to let them do it in front of everyone? This is a FAMILY park. Oh my God!”
Not Always Right | Bananas About The Boob Tube
(I work in the home insurance department for a large insurer. We offer standard Buildings and Contents with an optional add-on of Home Emergency. This is for burst pipes, boilers going down, etc.) Me: “Good afternoon, you’re through to [name]. How can I help you today?” Customer: “I’ve just bought a new TV. Is it covered under my Contents insurance?” Me: “Yes, it will be covered under Contents.” Customer: “And is it covered under Home Emergency?” Me: “Sorry, how do you mean?” Customer: *sighs* “I MEAN, how long will it take for you to get a replacement television out to me if this one stops working?” Me: “Um…unfortunately your television is not covered under Home Emergency.” Customer: “Why not?!” Me: “We don’t class a broken television as an emergency.” Customer: “Well I do, and I know I’m right! What do I do if my television breaks
Not Always Right | Trial By Hire
(I’ve just been hired as a cashier and it’s my first day. Halfway through my shift, I get called to go to the manager’s office. In the office is another man.) Manager: “Ah, there you are. Thanks for coming over so quickly.” Me: “No problem, what’s up?” Manager: “This here is Henry. I’d like you to help him find the items on his grocery list and help him with whatever he may need.” Henry: “Hello.” Me: “Hey. Well, shall we get started?” (Henry holds up a fake mustache and begins speaking in a British accent.) Henry: “This the best you could hire?! This place is becoming worse every week!” Manager, to me: “Can I talk to you outside for a second?” Me: “Sure…” (We go outside and my manager explains to me that when Henry holds up his mustache, he is British and his name is Hensley.) Manager: “Just take him around and help him get his stuff.&rdq
Not Always Right | Not Responsible For Lost Or Eaten Children
(Our zoo recently put several robotic dinosaurs in the park to help boost attendance. While working a snack stand, a family of three walks up to me.) Father: “Excuse me, sir?” Me: “Yes, how can I help you?” Father: “Are the dinosaurs real?” Me: “No, sir. They are not.” Father: “But we saw them move…” Me: “They are robotic dinosaurs. They have parts to make them move a little.” Father: “Then why are they in the zoo if they are not real?” Me: “It’s to teach our guests about dinosaurs.” Son: “So are they real, dad?” Father: *suddenly angry* “No, they are not! These f***ing people have fake animals!” (As the father and son begin to walk away, the mother stays behind to tell me one last thing.) Mother: “You know dear, maybe you should get real dinosaurs. That way, you won’t have problems like this.”
Not Always Right | Sometimes On The John But Always On The Job
(I’m taking a restroom break in one of our single-person restrooms. I am also male. A female customer breaks the flimsy lock and barges in.) Me: “Whoa! What are you doing?” Customer: “I’m trying to use the restroom. Your door handle was broken.” Me: “Ma’am, it was locked, and there is another restroom for women to use right next to you!” Customer: “Huh? I didn’t notice that before.” (She continues to stand there for a bit, while I’m still covering myself up.) Me: “Um, I was hoping to use the restroom. Can you please close the door and let me finish?” Customer: “Actually I was wondering if you could help me find the baking stuff?” Me: “I can’t, I’m using the restroom. Can’t you see that?” Customer: “Good Lord, I’m never coming back here! Your service is awful!”
Not Always Right | An Abundance Of Nuttiness Part 2
Customer: “Where is the bulk smooth peanut butter?” Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, we’re all out of smooth–” Customer: “No, that can’t be! I need smooth peanut butter!” Me: “Well, do you have a food processor?” Customer: “Yeah, so?” Me: “You could always buy some crunchy peanut butter and make it smooth at home.” Customer: “I can’t have crunchy peanut butter! It has peanuts in it! Are you trying to kill me?!”
Not Always Right | Bugging Out
Police Department | Florida, USA Me: “911, what’s your emergency?” Caller: “If anyone calls about screaming coming from **** Road, disregard it. I just had a bug on me.” *click*
Not Always Right | Mmmm, Moisturizer
Retail | Denver, CO, USA Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to return this lotion. It gives me a rash.” Me: “Sure, no problem.” (The customer hands me her used lotion. Half the bottle has been used up.) Customer: “What do you do with the returned lotion?” Me: “Well, since this is used, I have to mark it out and throw the product away.” Customer: “Like, in the garbage?” Me: “Yeah.” Customer: “But there are starving children in China!”
Not Always Right | I Hate It When I Miss Kilometer Wide Spaceships, Too
Movie Theater | Calgary, AB, Canada Customer: “Excuse me, I was just wondering…I see some signs out there on the front door that say ‘Theaters For Humans Only.’ Can you tell me what those are?” Me: “Oh, those are some promotional signs for an upcoming movie, District 9. They’re designed to look like real warning signs as part of a viral marketing campaign.” Customer: “Oh, cool! So what’s the movie going to be about? (I explain the overall plot to the customer. Halfway through, her boyfriend returns from the restroom and listens quietly while I finish explaining.) Me: “…so the aliens land in South Africa, and they end up becoming like refugees.” Customer’s boyfriend: *completely serious* “Wait, hang on a second…so are the aliens real?!” Me: “Oh, no. It’s the plot to this movie called District 9.” Customer’s boyfriend: “Oh, good! I thought there
Not Always Right | Identity Bereft
Call Center | McAllen, TX, USA Caller: "What is your name?" Me: "Jennifer." Caller: "Jonathan?" Me: "Jennifer." Caller: "Jonathan?" Me: "JENNIFER." Caller: "Jonathan?" Me: *giving up* "Yes, Jonathan." Caller: "But that's a boys name!" Me: "Yes, yes it is..."
Not Always Right | Phishing For Answers
Me: “This is [company name].” Customer: “Hi, who’s this?” Me: “Are you calling for tech support?” Tech Support | Los Angeles, CA, USA Customer: “Oh, I guess it’s the wrong number. Well, what do you guys do?” Me: “We’re an online virtual conferencing company. We allow you to host meetings online with webcams and slideshows.” Customer: “Oh, that’s cool, anything else you do, other features?” Me: “We also have a feature that lets you remotely take control of another person’s computer, or show them your own.” Customer: “Oh really? That’s pretty awesome. So can you take control of anybody’s computer?” Me: “Yeah, as long as their system supports the software.” Customer: “So, can you do it without their permission…like, can you use it to hack into somebody’s computer with it?” Me: “No, guests must be att
Not Always Right | If The Brew Fits...
Coffee Shop | California, USA (We’ve run out of flat lids for our large cold drinks, so we’re using the domed ones instead.) Coworker: “I have a large iced green tea ready.” Customer: “Does it LOOK like I want whipped cream on that!?” Coworker: “I’m really sorry, ma’am, but unfortunately we are all out of the flat lids for the venti sized drinks. I have to put a dome lid–” (The customer points to small-sized flat lids.) Customer: “Those are flat lids!” Coworker: “Actually, those only fit our small iced cups.” (The customer rolls her eyes, grabs a small flat lid, and tries to put it on her large cup. Because it’s smaller, the lid falls into her drink and spills tea all over the counter.) Customer: “WHY WON’T THIS FIT!?”
Not Always Right | Gastronomically Priced Apparel
Clothing Store | Columbia, MD, USA (While working at a well-known clothing store, a customer walks up to my cash register empty handed.) Me: “Did you find everything you needed today?” Customer: “I’ve been in here for fifteen minutes and nobody gave me a table yet.” Me: “…What?” Customer: “Yeah. I’ve been here for fifteen minutes and nobody sat me down.” Me: “We have a couch over by the fitting rooms if you’d like to have a seat.” Customer: “You don’t have any tables? What about booths?” Me: “Um…we don’t have anything like that here.” Customer: “Is this a new type of restaurant or something?” Me: “No, this is a clothing store; we sell clothes. That’s why we have lots of clothing here and no kitchen.” Customer: “Oh…why didn’t anybody tell me?” Me: “Did you ask someone?” Customer:
Not Always Right | Military Intelligence Part 1
USMC (troubleshooter for f-18 jets) | MCAS Miramar, San Diego, CA, USA Me: “Okay sir, can you hear me?” Pilot: “Loud and clear. Okay, I have a problem with my radar…it won’t test and nothing is coming up in the O-F-F position.” Me: “Well, sir, turn it to the O-N position and let me know how things work out.”
Not Always Right | Military Intelligence Part 2
Tech Support | Huntsville, AL, USA (We had a notice from one of the Nevada affiliates that Las Vegas residents would be suffering from a network outage due to a problem with their broadcasting equipment.) Customer: “I think someone is standing next to your satellite with a ham radio. You need to run out and get them to stop.” Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that’s not the problem–” Customer: “I will have you know, son, I am a Gunnery Sergeant. I’ve worked with Hand Operated Radios for years and I’m telling you RIGHT NOW…there is someone standing next to your satellite with a d*** radio and it’s interfering with my signal. I demand you to get out there and tell them to stop.” Me: “Far be it from me to ever argue with my clients, but I will have to at this time. I understand that you’re a Gunny Sergeant and that you’ve operated HAM radios for years, but I know my satellite equipment, and it&rsqu
Not Always Right | Military Intelligence Part 3
Coffee shop | Portsmouth, UK (I work in an English branch of a US coffee chain. Because we’re a naval town, US navy ships always stop here and the sailors come in for ‘a taste of home’…) Me: “Hello, what would you like?” Sailor 1: “One of your chocolate frappuccinos.” Me: “OK. What size do you want?” Sailor 1: “Erm… can I ask you a question?” Me: “Yeah, go on then.” Sailor: “Are your frappuccinos made with ice, like they are back in the states?” Sailor 2: “Yeah, good point man!” Me: “Yes, yes they are made with ice.” Sailor 2: “Is that British ice or do you get it, like, flown over from the States so it tastes the same?” Me: “…” Sailor 1: “Dude! Yeah! Is it going to taste the same as it does at home?!” Me: “Why don’t you try it and let me know?” Sailors 1 & 2: “Yeahhh…&rdqu
Not Always Right | Military Intelligence Part 4
Grocery Store | Vancouver, Canada (A kid walks up and asks to buy a pack of cigarettes.) Me: “Could I see your ID please?” (The kid hands me an un-laminated piece of hand-cut white paper with a picture taped to it and all the “information” handwritten.) Me: “Seriously, you’re going to try this?” Customer: “It’s my military ID…”
Not Always Right | Circular Reasoning
Gas Station | Germany (A customer in a big SUV pulls up to the pump. When she gets out, she realizes that her gas tank is on the driver’s side but her passenger’s side is facing the pump.) Customer: “I bet that’s not gonna work, right?” Me: “I don’t think so. You’d better try again.” (She gets back in, drives around the same pump, and gets out. Her gas tank is still on the wrong side.) Customer: *puzzled* “How come?” Me: “Let me help you…”
Not Always Right | Boat, Boat, Boat Your Boat, Gently Down The Stream
Boat Rental | Jasper, Alberta, Canada Customer: “Hello, sir, I am wondering if you can help me?” Me: “Sure, what can I do for you?” Customer: “I’m looking to rent a boat.” Me: “Sure, what kind would you like?” Customer: “A boat.” Me: “Yes, sir, but what kind of boat?” Customer: *confused* “A boat…” Me: “Yes, sir, a boat, but what kind of boat? We have three different kinds.” Customer: “A boat boat!” Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know what you mean.” Customer: “Stupid Canadians! Don’t know what a f***ing boat is!” Me: “Sir, I’m sorry. I just don’t understand your question, but I will go down to the docks with you and help you choose your boat.” Customer: “Fine!” (We walk down to the dock and approach a row boat.) Customer: “That’s the one right there. A boat. You
Not Always Right | A Customer Without Power Will Even Make Ghost Cower After The Midnight Hour
Hotel | Oregon, USA (A few weeks before Christmas at the hotel where I worked, a huge snowstorm knocked out the power. I was working night shift when somebody walks into the pitch-black lobby at about 2 in the morning.) Customer: “What the h*** is this?! Where are the lights?” (Note: I’m hidden in the darkness, although I can see him clearly from the emergency light in the entrance.) Me: “How can I help you?” Customer: “Who said that? Oh God, this place is haunted, isn’t it?” Me: “Sir, no. I’m behind the counter. We just don’t have emergency lighting back here.” Customer: “I don’t believe you!” Me: “Yeah…what can I do for you, anyway?” Customer: “I want to check in!” Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but nobody can check in or out until the power’s back on.” Customer: “Why the h*** not?!” Me: “Well, because the computers ca
Not Always Right | Not Remotely Intelligent
Help Desk | Texas, USA Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***. May I have your phone number, please?” Caller: “This thing doesn’t f***ing work!” Me: “Sir, I’ll be happy to help you with that.” Caller: “Just help me with this f***ing thing!” (Eventually, I find out he needs help with a DVD remote.) Caller: “The movie doesn’t play! It doesn’t do a f***ing thing!” (I hear the crunching of plastic as he tries to push the buttons really hard.) Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re pressing the play button and it’s not working. Correct?” Caller: “Which one’s the play button?” Me: “The one that says ‘play’ above it. It should be in the shape of an arrow that’s pointing to the right.” Caller: “I can’t read any of this s***! I don’t have anything like that. There’s just one that points to the left.” Me: “
Not Always Right | A Face For Every Occasion
Beauty Salon | Birmingham, UK (A customer is getting a beauty treatment done and is trying to work out why she has skin problems.) Customer: “I just don’t understand it. I take really good care of my skin. I get facials and I only use really good make-up.” Me: “Well, the problem could be caused by something really simple, like an allergic reaction. Have you always used the same brand of make-up?” Customer: “Yes, and I only use the best! I can’t be allergic, I don’t ever use the cheap stuff!” Me: “It’s probably something else then. What do you use to remove your make-up?” Customer: “Like…what?” Me: “When you take off your make up at night, what do you use?” Customer: *silence* Me: “Do you use a cleanser or soap and water?” Customer: “I don’t take it off. Are you supposed to?” Me: “Well, yes. Make-up can cause damage to your pores if you
Not Always Right | It Was All A Blur
Insurance | Portland, OR, USA Me: “Alright, ma'am, have had any accidents or violations in the last three years?” Customer: “I don’t know.” Me: “Well, do you remember getting pulled over for any reason?” Customer: “I already told you, I don’t know. Now, how much is the insurance?” Me: “I’m sorry, ma'am, but before I could know what the rate is, I have to know what your driving history is.” Customer: “What does it matter? Just throw on a speeding ticket or two and call it a day!” Me: “Okay. I can do that, but just keep in mind that the quote is only based on the information you provide. If your motor vehicle record comes back different, that could drastically affect the rate.” Customer: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it?” Me: “It comes out to $106 a month.” Customer: “Fine! I’ll take it.” (I then go to run the reports since she is ready
Not Always Right | One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Pleasure
Video Game Store | Colorado Springs, CO, USA (A few years ago, a particular game went through a scandal for having hidden pornographic content.) Customer: “Hi, I’d like to trade in this game.” Me: “Sorry, sir, I can’t take this game.” Customer: “Why not?” Me: “Because it’s undergoing a rating change. We’ve sent all of our existing copies back to the company.” Customer: “Well, that’s dumb. What’s it being changed to?” Me: “AO, or Adults Only.” Customer: “Woah. Why?” Me: “Because there’s a pornographic mini-game hidden in the coding.” Customer: “So, you’re telling me there’s porn in my game?” Me: “Yes, sir.” (Suddenly, another customer behind him speaks up.) Another customer “If you don’t want it, can I have it?”
Not Always Right | Extreme Makeover: Criminal Edition
Grocery Store | Cincinnati, OH, USA (I work in a check-out lane at a grocery store. A boy who looks about 16 walks up to the check-out and puts a twelve pack of beer on the lane.) Me: “May I see your ID?” Customer: “Who do you think you are, a cop? No!” Me: “If you want to purchase these, I need to see your ID. You don’t exactly look over 21.” Customer: “Fine, b****!” (He then hands me his ID, which has a picture of an elderly man on it.) Me: “Sorry, you can’t buy these.” Customer: “What the h***! I just gave you my ID!” Me: “This ID belongs to an elderly man who has a gray mustache and beard.” Customer: “It’s called Botox and shaving.”
Not Always Right | Actually, Fido Is A Weapon Of Mass Destruction
Pet Store | Kentucky Click here to view the comic version of this quote! Dog Owner: “When my dog pees, he leaves brown patches all over the lawn. Is he peeing fire?”
Not Always Right | Please See The "time Travel" Section
Bookstore | Tacoma, WA Customer: “Do you have a picture book of dinosaurs?” Me: “Sure.” (We walk to the dinosaur books and I show him many books with various sketches and paintings of dinosaurs) Customer: “No, not pictures…PHOTOGRAPHS. Photos of dinosaurs, please. Where are those?”
Not Always Right | Gadgets & Morals Make Strange Bedfellows
The customer needed help adding his music into his iTunes library. I showed him how, and this is what happened: Customer: “… Uggghhh!” Me: “What happened?” Customer: “Well, I’ll be honest. It’s adding my porn.” Me: *silence* “Oh….” Customer: “Please make it stop! I don’t want porn on my iPod!” Me: “Click the little X near the top.” Customer: “Okay, it stopped.” Me: “Try adding the My Music folder again.” Customer: “It’s doing it again! Oh God!” Me: “Okay, uh… let’s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.” Customer: “Okay, I’ll do that.” (few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files) Customer: “Oh, man. It’s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.” Me: “Twenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!” Customer: “Ye
Not Always Right | Who Needs Math When You Can Sue
Pizza | Philadelphia, PA Pizza Customer: “I ordered a pizza, half pepperoni, half sausage … and half plain.” Me: “Lady, there’s only two halves in a whole.” Pizza Customer: “I know there are only two halves in a whole! I’m a lawyer; this treatment is unfair and I demand satisfaction!”
Not Always Right | Lesson 1: How To Scam A Scammer
pizza | Unknown Location Pizza Delivery Customer: “I want this pizza for free.” Me: “No cash, no pizza. I don’t care if you don’t eat or not.” Pizza Delivery Customer: “Well, I know the owner of *** Pizza!!!” Me: “Really, how do you know me?” (Customer puts his hand and his pocket and pays for the pizza) (Note: I’m not really the owner of *** Pizza)
Not Always Right | Welcome To People's Pizza, Comrade
Pizza | USA Old man: “Well, I’d like 3 slices, all meat and a Coke.” Me: “Is Pepsi okay? We don’t serve Coke anymore.” Old man: “WHAT?!?!?!?!? YOU DON’T SERVE COKE? ANYMORE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?” Me: “Well, we used to sell both brands. It was just far too expensive to keep both stocked when most people aren’t devastated by not having Coke.” Old man: “THAT’S ABSURD! WHO DOESN’T SELL COKE! THAT’S INSANITY!” Me: (at this point, I’m egging him on and holding back laughter) “Well…you can go next door. The convenience store probably sells Coke, but I can’t guarantee it.” Old man: “That’s what I’ll do! You won’t get my $0.75!” Me: “Umm…okay. I’ll have your pizza in just a minute.” His wife: “Don’t mind him. He’s crazy.” Old man: “Shut it! What kind of a day and age is
Not Always Right | My Neighbor Broke, Can You Fix It?
Tech Support | Boulder, CO Tech Support: “So you’re having issues picking up your wireless signal … how many connections are there?” Customer: “There’s two other networks but only one bar on each … those are my bad neighbors.” Tech Support: “So the good signal isn’t there? Hmm, your modem might be off; can we check that?” Customer: “Modem?” (Tech support troubleshot that for a while before realizing the guy had never paid for internet before and didn’t own a modem.) Tech Support: “Sir, when you said the other connections were your ‘bad neighbors…’ Did you mean that the good neighbor with the good signal isn’t there?” Customer: “Oh, he moved?”
Not Always Right | Sorry, Scotty & Spock Haven't Been Born Yet.
Tech Support | Boulder, CO Customer: “Hello, is this Tech support?” Me: “Absolutely, is there an issue I can help you with?” Customer: “Yeah I want you to take over my computer and tell me what’s wrong with it. It’s all crazy.” Me: (Thinking about how “all crazy” actually constitutes as a good description of a problem in most cases) “Okay ma’am well I assume you’ve had us remote control your machine again, so go ahead and open the program for me and I’ll try to connect. What’s the IP address?” Customer: “No, you can’t have my IP.” Me: “Well it’s impossible to help you without it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do something to your machine.” Customer: “No, you don’t understand. My ISP or whatever stopped giving me internet so I need you to do it some other way.” Me: “Ma’am, without internet I can’t ju
Not Always Right | Ask A Stupid Question...
Bookstore | Sacramento, CA Bookstore Customer: “Do people donate all these books to you?” Me: “Yes. We show up for work every morning and there are boxes of valuable books sitting at the front door.” Bookstore Customer: “Wow, really! I could open a book store?” Me: “Sure!” Bookstore Customer: “If I opened a store, how would people know where to leave the books?”
Not Always Right | When Nomenclature Goes Amok
Tech Support | USA Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.” Customer: “That’s why I hate this ‘Windows’–because of the icons–I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.” Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to-” Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘industry terms’. I don’t believe in icons.” Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…it’s a ‘little picture’, okay?” Customer: *hangs up*
Not Always Right | Four Words: Bow, Chicka, Bow, Bow
Electronics Store | USA (Working as a manager for a retail electronics business, I have a customer come in with a DVD player in a box, opened) Customer: “This DVD player doesn’t work. It won’t play my DVDs. Can I get an exchange?” Me: “Well, lets see if we can get it to work.” (I take the DVD player over to the AV wall and quickly hook it up to our system. Under 30 seconds to do so, the customer in tow) Me: “Oh, here’s the problem. It seems that the disc somehow ended up upside down in the DVD player.” (I flip the DVD over without even looking at the disc or anything and push it back in, turning back to the customer) Customer: “Oh great! I knew something wasn’t quite ri…” (Suddenly, coming up on all my TVs, blaring through the sound system that is usually playing a music DVD, comes blasting ‘Bow Chicka-Bow Bow!’ and a rather grotesque scene of cheesy porn. I think it is the fastest I ha
Not Always Right | ...and We Wonder Why Everyone Hates Us.
Frozen Yogurt Shop | Pasadena, CA Customer: “Are you Hispanic?” Me: “No.” Customer: “Middle Eastern?” Me: “No.” Customer: “Egyptian?” Me: “No.” Customer: “What are you?” Me: “Chinese.” (customer puts on offended face) Customer: “I don’t appreciate you treating me like I’m dumb.” Me: “Excuse me? I’m being honest.” Customer: “NO CHINESE PERSON WOULD EVER HAVE EYES AS BIG AS YOURS!!!” Me: *mouth wide open*
Not Always Right | 911 Grab Bag: Define Emergency
911 Call Center | West Virginia, USA (The following quotes are from various phone calls made to a West Virginia 911 line) 1. “What are the Daily Pick Four lottery numbers?” 2. “My TV is out.” 3. “How much snow/rain are we supposed to get?” 4. “Is it illegal to tape a cat to a bottle rocket?” 5. “I want to report a fraud. The government is lying to us all.” 6. “How high are gas prices going to get?” 7. “Why am I getting Error Message #781 on my computer screen?” 8. “I have never roasted a turkey before and my inlaws will be here in an hour.” 9. “I am reading this recipe. What is fennel?” 10. “I am doing my homework. What is the square root of 435?” 11. “Are crabs in season?” 12. “I wanna talk to a cop about my child support if you can drag one away from the donut shop.” 13. “I just wanted to make sure you were all awake.&rd
Not Always Right | Oh Give Me A Home, Where The Jack-a-lopes Roam
Zoo | USA Little boy: “What are those?” Zookeeper: “That’s a Cavy.” (Note: Cavies are another name for guinea pigs.) Little boy’s father: “No they’re not. They’re Jack-a-lopes. But I don’t see any antlers, so they must all be does.”
Not Always Right | Actually, You Look Like A C-cup
Retail | Minnesota, USA Customer Looking at Batteries: “My friend asked me to pick her up some D batteries, but I’m not sure which ones to get.” (Customer holds up a package with 10 D batteries in it and a package with 12 D batteries in it) Customer: “What’s the difference between 10D and 12D? I don’t want to get the wrong ones.”
Not Always Right | Someone Needs To Get Out More
Vet | Unknown Location Me: “Emergency veterinary clinic, how can I help you?” Caller: *worried female voice* “My dog has a red thing on him.” Me: “Is it actively bleeding?” Caller: “No.” Me: “Where is it located?” Caller: “On his tummy.” Me: “Can you describe it to me? How large is it? Does it look more like a cut, a rash or an abrasion?” Caller: “It looks like a little stick of lipstick.” Me: “That’s his p****.” Caller: *hangs up*
Not Always Right | Bitter Racism, Please Meet Sweet Irony
Gas Station | Louisiana, USA *Customers runs in frantically* Customer: “How much is y’all’s gas?” Me: “It’s posted outside, $2.78 a gallon.” Customer: “DAMN SAND NI**ERS ALWAYS HIKING UP GAS! I’M GOING DOWN THE STREET!” *returns 10 minutes later* Customer: “Let me get 10 on pump 3.”
Not Always Right | It's Okay, She Has A Thick Head
Construction | USA (While installing a street light pole) Lady: “Is this going to take long?” Me: “Ma’am, I need to you step back.” Lady: “But is this going to take long? I need to get to my car.” Me: “Ma’am… I need to you step back.” Lady: “Is there someone else I can talk to?” Me: “Ma’am… you have a 1 ton concrete pole directly over your head. If it drops, you are going to die. I need you to please step back.” Lady: “Ok… but can I get to my car?” Me: (I yell to my job foreman) “…Hillbilly!” Hillbilly: “GET THE F*** OUT!” Lady: “I never met anyone so rude.”
Not Always Right | Jeff Foxworthy Would Be Proud
Movie Theater | Madisonville, KY, USA Customer: “Two tickets for Madagascar.” (After the previews, he returns) Customer: “I want my money back!” Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?” Customer: “You have the wrong movie playing in there, its a cartoon. Where’s the cars?” Me: “I’m sorry sir, Cars?” Customer: “Nascar! I wanted to see Mad about Nascar!!” Me: “…let me get the manager.”
Not Always Right | Internet = Tubes, Word = Sheets
Computer Lab | USA Woman 1: “What is that little trash can on the screen?” Woman 2: “My son says that is called the ‘recycle bin’. He tells me when I don’t want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there.” Woman 1: “Why in the recycle thingy? Can’t you just erase it?” Woman 2: “Oh no, Word wouldn’t work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages.” Woman 1: “Why?” Woman 2: “Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That’s why it’s called the recycle bin.”
Not Always Right | For The Money I Pay, It Should Drive Itself
Call Center | Washington, USA Customer: “Hi, I have a Mercedes. How do I adjust my rear view mirror?” Me: (Wasn’t sure if she was serious) “Well, you must manually adjust your rear view mirror.” Customer: “What do you mean?” Me: “Umm…take your hand and move the mirror so you can see.”
Not Always Right | The Surer They Are, The Stupider They Get
Theme Park | Lagoon, UT, USA (I work in a burger stand) Me: “Welcome, what can I get for you?” Lady: “I would like a cheeseburger with no cheese.” Me: “Umm…would you just like a hamburger?” Lady: “No. I would like specifically a cheeseburger with no cheese.” Me: “Are you sure? A cheeseburger is 25 cents more than a hamburger.” Lady: “Yes, I’m sure.”
Not Always Right | A Lost Cause
Home Improvement Store | USA (I have a friend that works at a home improvement store; one day, a woman comes in looking for a generator) Customer: “What does it mean when it says seven gallon tank?” Employee: “Uh, it means it can hold seven gallons of gas.” Customer: “Gas? Why would it need gas?” Employee: “It’s a generator. How else would it produce electricity?” Customer: “I thought you just plugged it in.”
Not Always Right | The Return Of Captain Obvious
Ice Cream Shop | Florida, USA Customer in an ice cream shop: “What’s in the Chocolate Caramel Cashew?” Me: “There’s really no way for me to answer that without sounding like a smarta**.” Customer: “Why? What’s in it?” Me: “It’s chocolate ice cream … with caramel … and cashews.”
Not Always Right | Time To Call The Plumber
Tech Support | Tel Aviv, Israel Me: “Internet helpdesk, how can I help you?” Customer: “I can’t connect to the internet.” Me: “How long has it been since you last connected?” Customer: “I was connected until a few minutes ago.” Me: “Have you changed anything in your network?” Customer: “Well, I was downloading some movies over the net, but the download got too slow. I called a friend of mine and he told me that some movies could’ve gotten stuck in the cable. So I cut the cable to see if I could yank it out of there. I didn’t find anything, so I taped the cable back together. Now, can you get it back to work?” Me: *grimace*
Not Always Right | Shh, They Are Listening Right Now!
University | Canada Me: “**** University, how my I help you?” Phone client: “What is this about you recording my call? Are you guys working for CSIS (Canadian Security Intelligence Service)?” Me: “No sir, we record some calls in order to ensure the quality of our service. What can I do for you today?” Phone client: “Are you recording my call right now?” Me: “I don’t know sir. Management records call randomly.” *Hangs up*
Not Always Right | Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota
Sandwich Shop | Edmonton, Alberta, Canada Customer: “I’d like pineapple on my sub.” Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have pineapple. Only Mr. Sub has pineapple.” Customer: “Yes you do! I always get pineapple here!” Me: “I’ve worked here for quite a while, and we’ve never had it. Sorry!” Customer: “Excuse me, the customer is always right! You can’t argue with me!” Me: “Um…” Customer speaks to my manager: “Excuse me, your employee is arguing with me! What are you going to do about it?” Manager: “Don’t be so stupid! Get out of my store!”
Not Always Right | (telepathic) Help Wanted
Video Rental Store | Michigan, USA Customer: “I’m looking for that movie.” Me: “We have lots of movies, can I help narrow it down?” Customer: “No, I want it full sized.” Me: “I meant, what can you tell me about the movie?” Customer: “Isn’t it YOUR job to tell ME about the movie?” Me: “Well, I’ll tell you everything I know about the movie as soon as you tell me which movie you’re looking for.” Customer: “If I knew which movie I was looking for, wouldn’t I have found it by now? Jeez, the people they hire these days.” (Customer storms out)
Not Always Right | See Children, This Is Why You Stay In School
Deli | Michigan, USA Customer: “I’d like 5 pork chops, wrapped in twos.” Me: “Do you mean two packages?” Customer: “No, I want 5 pork chops, wrapped in twos.” Me: *blank stare* Customer: *heavy sigh* “5 chops, wrapped 2, 2 and 1. See, wrapped in twos.”
Not Always Right | Why Can't You Be Omniscient
Travel Agent | Tampa, FL, USA Customer: “Do other places besides Disney sell Disney tickets?” Me: “I believe so, but I only have information about the tickets we sell.” Customer: “How much do other places charge?” Me: “I don’t have any information on other ticket resellers.” Customer: “Is it cheaper if I buy tickets somewhere else?” Me: “Sir, I don’t know anything about other places, only Disney.” Customer: “Will they add the no expiration option for me?” Me: “I don’t know.” Customer: “Can you give me names and contact information for other ticket places?” Me: “Sir, I can only help you if you wish to purchase tickets directly from Disney.” Customer: “I don’t understand why you’re being unhelpful!”
Not Always Right | Genres Are For Weaklings
Video Rental | Pennsylvania, USA Customer: “What movie just came out on video that’s like Lord of the Rings?” Me: “I’m not sure, we haven’t gotten any big titles this week and definitely nothing that’s like Lord of the Rings…” Customer: “Well, I saw a commercial that said, ‘Now available at your local *** Video’…and this is my local *** video.” Me: “Hmmm, let me check with another manager.” (I call up to the office) Me (to manager): “What came out this week besides Jeepers Creeper?” Customer: “JEEPERS CREEPERS! That’s it!” Me: “We have that, but it’s nothing like Lord of the Rings.” Customer: “Yeah it has monsters in it, it’s like Lord of the Rings.” *customer walks away* Another employee: “You should tell him to rent The English Patient too. It has talking in it, so it’s like Lord of the Rings.&rdqu
Not Always Right | Awesome Customers Do Exist
Retail | USA (8:55 pm: I’m guarding the door at work, waiting for the last couple of customers to finish up and get the heck out. They are going kinda slow, but I can’t kick them out because they were in the store before we close. 9:05 pm: They finally got what movies they wanted and are just about to pay when another guy tries to come in) Late Customer: “Hold on please! I just need to get one thing!” Me: “Sorry sir, it’s past 9pm. These are the last customers for the night.” Late Customer: “But all I want to get is a PS2. Why can’t you get it for me?” Me: “Because you came in after 9, we want to close up.” Late Customer: “But they are getting stuff.” Me: “They were in here before 9.” Late Customer: “So you aren’t gonna help me? I wanna speak to your manager! Are you the manager?” (This is the fun part, one of the women buying stuff chimes in) Woman Customer: &ld
Not Always Right | July, November, It's All The Same
Retail | Kansas City, MO, USA Customer: “Where is your jewelry?” Me, standing behind 3 counters filled with jewelry: “Right here, ma’am.” Customer: “No, the jewelry on sale!” Me: “I’m sorry, but we aren’t having a sale on jewelry this month.” Customer: “But I was here in July and it was on sale.” Me: “Yes ma’am, and now it’s November and it’s not on sale.” Customer: “Well can’t you give me the sale prices anyways?” Me: “Ummm, no.”
Not Always Right | Ba Ba Bee Da Dum Dum Baa
bookstore | USA Customer: “Yeah, my son really likes this one band that has a really popular song out right now.” Me: “Okay…” Customer: “Well, I don’t know the name of their album, their band name, or the name of the song but the tune is like this: ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa.’” Me: “…” Customer: *not very happy with me* “Do you have any clue what I’m talking about?” Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t really look up ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa’ in our computer.” Customer: “Don’t be a smart a** with me, missy.” Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, I’m not trying to be a smart a**, I’m just saying there isn’t really any way I can help you unless you have some information I can look up.” Customer: *yelling* “NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I EVER BEEN TREATED SO DISRESPECTFULLY AT SOME BULLS*** BOO
Not Always Right | The Problems With Analogies
Retail | Eureka, CA, USA (A customer wanders down the paint aisle I’m working on and asks for advice on which paint to use. I tell him, and he asks for the differences between brands) Me: “Brand A is just a bit thicker than Brand B. But other than that, they’re pretty much the same.” Customer: “What do you mean ‘thicker’?” Me: “The paint has a thicker consistency.” Customer: “I don’t understand.” Me: “Do you know what cake batter looks like? And water?” Customer: “Yes.” Me: “Cake batter is thicker than water, like Brand A is thicker than Brand B.” Customer: “Brand A is cake batter?” (It goes on like this for awhile. I ended up leaving him there to contemplate)
Not Always Right | Not Just Any Warm Crunchy Bread, Mind You
Short Order Restaurant | Houston, TX, USA Me: “So, what can I get you?” Hobo: “I’m pretty hungry so I guess I’ll have…” *stares at menu* Me, 3 minutes later: “I’ll come ba-” Hobo: “I want some toast!” Me: “Okay, toast is all, I’ll be right back.” Hobo: “Yeah, thats what I want, french toast.” Me: “Excuse me?” Hobo: “I want some french toast, how much does that cost?” Me: “Sorry sir, we don’t have french toast.” Hobo: “Then what do you have?” Me: “Um…. toast?” Hobo: “Toast? Whats that?” *long pause* Me: “Warm crunchy bread, sir.” Hobo: “Yeah, bring me some white, warm crunchy bread!”
Not Always Right | This One Needs The "three Hour Tour"
Harbor Tour Cruise | Toronto, Canada Customer: “How long is the one hour tour?” Me: “60 Minutes.” Customer: “Where does the harbour tour go?” Me: “Around the harbour.”
Not Always Right | Tk421 Is Not Pleased
Retail | West Virginia, USA (A woman gets frustrated after I switch out for a co-worker to go on break on Black Friday) Woman Customer: “Ugh! That is so frustrating! Why didn’t she wait to leave until I was finished?” Me: “Ma’am, she’s been here since 3:45 this morning, and she needed a break. Plus, we’re not robots.” Woman Customer: “Good. I hate robots.”
Not Always Right | No, Your Other Left
Tech Support | USA (The customer was using an older copy of Windows, so I had to ask her a question about what her Explorer window looked like) Tech Support: “Up at the top it says File, Edit, and View. What does it say just to the right of View?” Customer: “Edit.” Tech Support: “No, to the right of View.” Customer: “Edit.” Tech Support: “Okay, what’s on the other side of View?” Customer: “Oh, Tools.” Tech Support: “Click your left mouse button.” Customer: “Which one is that?” Tech Support: “Well, you know your left from your right, so click the button on your left.” Customer: “Oh.” Tech Support: “What happened?” Customer: “Nothing.” Tech Support: “You did click the left mouse button?” Customer: “I think so.” Tech Support: “The one on your left?” Customer: “Which one was that agai
Not Always Right | Shoulda Told Him To Do Jumping Jacks
Tech Support | Ontario, Canada (I am in IT for large company, with multiple locations all over the Canada. I got a call from a business unit located in another province) Customer on the phone: “Hi. My computer is not working.” Me: “Okay. What’s your name…” (After 5 minutes I got all the info I needed) Me: “I'm sorry, I cannot remotely access your computer. I'll have to inform your local IT team to come and resolve this problem. It's 6am in your location and IT starts at 7am. They will come and fix it in an hour.” Customer: “No. This is critical. You come and fix it.” Me: “I'm sorry, you probably do not realize that I'm located in Ontario and you are in British Columbia. I cannot come and fix it.” Customer: “Okay, okay. You’ll come and fix it now?” Me: “No, there are thousands of kilometers between us. I cannot come and help you.” Customer: “Okay, okay. Production has s
Not Always Right | The Futility Of Signs
Pizza/Arcade Combo | Flagstaff, AZ, USA (One customer complains about a game that is not giving tickets. Upon looking at the game, I discover that a fuse is blown. I place several “Out of Order” stickers over the coin slot and refund the customer. Two minutes later another customer approaches.) Customer: “I just put a coin in this game and won tickets but none came out.” Me: “I placed an ‘Out of Order’ sticker on the coin slot. Is it not on there anymore?” Customer: “You mean these? They were in the way so I removed them. Can I get a refund?”
Not Always Right | Go On With Yo Bad Ass Diy Self
Tech Support | Australia Caller: “Hello, I’d like some help!” Me: “Sure sir, how can I help you?” Caller: “Well, actually I don’t have an account yet. I was wondering if I could talk or send messages to my daughter. She’s in Australia and she has an internet account.” Me: “Yes sir, that’s possible!” Caller: “What do I need to do that?” Me: “You just need a computer and a modem.” Caller: “Hey, but just have a FAX machine and a TV! Isn’t that enough?” Me: *controlling the urge to burst in laughter* “I’m afraid not, sir. You’ll need a computer for sure.” Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT? You guys don’t wanna help me! I know your types! You just want the fat, rich customers that will buy anything you demand! You know what? You’re not the only ISP in town! Goodbye!” *click*
Not Always Right | Workin' That Tech Support Magic
Tech Support | Austin, TX, USA (Customer calls in to a call center and states that he can’t connect to his internet. After about 20 minutes of trying to get the customer to troubleshoot, none of which he can manage to do. The rep figures the cable is simply disconnected, but since the customer can’t troubleshoot they come up with a clever way to fix the problem) Rep : “Sir, can you unplug that big phone cord looking cable from the box with blinking lights and your main computer box and hold both ends in your hands for me?” Customer : “Yeah, hold on.” *shuffles around* “Well that was easy. Got it.” Rep : “Ok, what I need you to do is swing one end of that around above your head as hard as you can. Sometimes bad packets get stuck in the end, making it impossible to connect to the internet.” Customer : “Alright! One second.” *whooshing in the background* “… Ok, done, Now what?” Rep : “
Not Always Right | God I Love Lawyers
medical office | USA Me: “Okay sir, so I would just need you to verify your information and sign here–” *Patient cuts me off, snatches the clipboard and gives me this I’m-not-stupid look* Male Patient: “Listen, I don’t need you to tell me what to do. I’m a lawyer and I know how the system works!” *Sits down and starts looking over the paper work* (Five minutes later…) Male Patient: “Ma’am, where did you need me to sign??”
Not Always Right | You Be Telepathic, So I Can Be Lazy
Home Improvement Store | California, USA Customer: “I need a door.” Me: “What kind of door?” Customer: “You’re the professional!” Me: “…” Me: “Where are you going while passing through this door, and where are you leaving?” Customer: “Garage from the kitchen.” Me: “Great, and what size is the door that’s there now?” Customer: “They make them in different sizes?” *throws self out window*
Not Always Right | Some Types Of Trouble Is Worth Getting Into
Steak House | Texas, USA Guest: “Do your steaks come from a cow?” Me: “Yes.” Guest: “Are you sure?” Me: “Yes, her name was Maybell and we all will miss her very much…” Boss: *not laughing*
Not Always Right | This Is What Hell Is Like
Tech Support | USA (I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.) Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.” Customer: “Click ‘OK’?” Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.” Customer: “Click ‘OK’?” Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.” Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?” Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.” (Pause.) Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.” Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???” Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?” Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.” Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.” Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.” Customer: “Oh.” Tech Su
Not Always Right | On Futility Of Signs Part 2
Video Rental | Midwest, USA Customer: “Are you out of Shrek the Third?” Me: “Yes, everything I have is out on the shelves.” Customer: “Oh.” (Customer goes back into rest of store, comes back to front.) Customer: “There’s a copy out there that says ‘FOR SALE ONLY’.” Me: “Mmhm, there sure is.” Customer: “Can we rent that?”
Not Always Right | Of All The Moments For Freud To Slip
Movie Cinema | Australia (I was working the candy bar when a I was approached by a man seeing Bridge to Terabithia with two young kids. He points to the popcorn machine:) Customer: “I’ll have two boxes of cockporn, please.” (There was a two second pause as the customer’s eyes went wide with horror…and then I started to laugh. He got the popcorn and ran upstairs, with me standing behind the counter with tears running down my face.) From the Not Always Right store: Cockporn Tee
Not Always Right | On The Need For Consumer Iq Requirements
Retail | Suffolk, UK Customer: “Hello, I’d like to return this gas cooker…” Me: “Sure, what’s the problem with it, madam?” Customer: “The picture on the front of the box shows meat, although when I opened the box there was no meat inside…” Me: *In astonishment* “Okay, I’ll just go and get my manager…”
Not Always Right | A Good Time To Excuse Yourself
Retail | Tucson, AZ, USA (This conversation between a Returns Employee and a customer was overheard by me and others.) Employee: “Hello, how may I help you?” Customer: “Yes, I would like to return this.” (Heaves a large propane tank, the kind used for barbecue grills onto the counter.) Employee: “Why?” Customer: “It’s leaking.” (At this point me, 4 managers, the employee, 2 other customers, and 3 other employees all within earshot, slowly turn their heads towards the leaking tank careful not to make any sudden movements.)
Not Always Right | The Iq Is Weak In This One
Drugstore | Ontario, Canada Me: “Congratulations! Because you’ve spent over $30 on our beauty products you can receive a complimentary tote bag. Would you like it in black or brown?” Customer: “What’s a tote bag?” Me: (holds up bag) “It’s a bag. Rather large…you can put things in it…it comes in black or brown.” Customer: “Oh well, that’s nifty isn’t it?” Me: “Yes it is ma’am. Would you like it in black or brown?” Customer: “How much does that cost?” Me: “Normally, $14.99 but yours is complimentary because you spent over $30 on beauty products.” Customer: “Oh, well I wouldn’t pay $15 on that!” Me: “You don’t have to pay for it.” Customer: “Why not?” (Other customers are beginning to become aggravated by this woman’s stupidity so I call up Ashley, another cashier.) Me: “…becau
Not Always Right | Because Of Everything On The Internets Is Private
Electronics Store | Stroudsburg, PA, USA (On Black Friday...when EVERYTHING is on sale.) Customer: "Excuse me, sir?" Me: "Hey, can I help you find something?" Customer: "Hi, I'd like to know what's on sale today." Me: "Well, it depends on what system. You see, the DS only has three games on sale, while the XBOX has about 10. Not to mention, almost every console is running some sort of deal." Customer: "No, I meant the secret sales." Me: "What do you mean?" Customer: "The stuff in the catalog." Me: "Oh, that's all posted." Customer, suddenly angry: "It better not be!" Me: "Why not?" Customer: "Because I looked online for those sales." Me: "What's your point?" Customer: "Because I wouldn't have done that if I'd known it was public!" Me: "The point of a sale is to make it public." Customer: "GET ME YOUR MANAGER YOU A**HOLE!"
Not Always Right | Dna Is Such A Bother Anyway
Customer Service | Portland, OR, USA Me: “Is she your biological child?” Customer: “No, no, she’s natural–no scientific stuff.”
Not Always Right | Mission: Impossible
Key Shop | Chicago, IL, USA Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.” Me: (I pick up some stuff) “Not a problem, I’ll pop it open for $5.00.” Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?” Me: “Open your car.” Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer–you can’t touch it!” Me: “Then how do I open it?” Customer: “That’s your problem.” Me: “Actually it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.” Customer: “You have to open it.” Me: “Watch me not open it.” Customer: “OK then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.” Me: “So If I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?” Customer: &l
Not Always Right | Zero Short Term Memory
Home Furnishings | Costa Mesa, CA Customer: “Hi, I have my car down the loading dock and I’m parked where it says to park, but there’s no button to call your store or anything down there.” Me: “No, there’s not because the elevator is shared with 3 levels of stores; we don’t own it, the mall does. So you have to call us when you’re there.” Customer: “How do I call? There’s no button.” Me: “With your cellphone…” Customer: “Oh pfft, I never bring a cellphone with me.” Me: “But didn’t you just call? How did you call earlier?” Customer: “With a cellphone!” *looking at me like I’m stupid*
Not Always Right | Must Have Been A Long Pregnancy
Hotel | Seattle, WA, USA Pregnant Customer: “I want to be reimbursed because I did not get a ground floor unit, because I was promised one when I booked the reservation due to the fact that I’m pregnant.” Agent: “But ma’am, you booked this reservation eleven months in advance.”
Not Always Right | Ask A Stupid Question Part 2
Department Store | Denver, CO, USA (I’m standing right in front of about ten racks of toys and a giant sign that says “Toy Shop.”) Customer: “Do you carry toys?” Me: *turns, looks up at the sign* “Nope.” (Customer walks off to continue her search.)
Not Always Right | God Complex
Restaurant | Florida, USA (I hostess at an upscale restaurant in a very nice part of town. I get a call like this about once a night on weekends, which are super busy.) Customer: “Can I get a reservation for four at 7 tonight for Dr. xxx?” Me: “I’m very sorry sir, we’re booked solid from 6 to 10. I can get you a reservation for tomorrow night if you’re interested.” Customer: “But I’m a doctor.”
Not Always Right | Those Silly Ethnics And Their Funny Words
Grocery Store | Colorado, USA Customer: “Do you have burrito wrappers?” Me: “Do you mean tortillas?” Customer: “Well I guess you could call them that.”
Not Always Right | Those Darned Post-it Notes Of Death
Tech Support | South England User: “My computer’s not working properly–it stopped working when you were up here doing whatever you were doing, so you need to fix it.” Tech support engineer: “I was upstairs writing down names. I wrote your name on a post it note. I’m not sure how that broke your computer.”
Not Always Right | Today All My Questions Shall Be Stupid
Retail | Somerset, UK Customer: “What size is this rug?” Me, reading label: “54″ x 72″.” Customer: “So how big is that?” Me: “In centimetres? It’s…” Customer: “No, in inches.” Me: “It’s 54 inches x 72 inches.” Customer: “OK. And what colour is it?” Me: “Lilac.” Customer: “Right…and would it look good in my lounge?” Me: “I don’t know…I’ve never seen your lounge.” Customer: “No, I guess you haven’t. Do you think I have room for it?” Me: ?@#!
Not Always Right | Captain Obvious Strikes Back
Car Wash | Southeast USA Customer: “Yes, how much is your ‘four dollar car wash?’” Me: “It’s four dollars, ma’am.”
Not Always Right | Dude, That Must Be Some Strong Weed
Key Shop | Chicago, USA (Early 1970’s. I make a key for a guy who lost car keys in the mall parking lot.) Me: “Well, that will be $10.00 for the key and labor but another key will be only 79 cents.” Customer: “Ah, no man, I need my money to get my weed.” (A week later, same deal. I have to go out in the rain and make the same guy another key.) Me: “Well I’m sure that now you will get an extra key?” Customer: “Ah, no man, I need my money to get my weed.” (Well I can spot a trend, so I make another key anyway and hang it up in the shop.) (Over the next 6 months he is back a dozen times and I just copy the key hanging in the shop and charge him for the lockwork and the key. He never buys a second key.) (I guess the weed finally got him.)
Not Always Right | Egocentrism Meet Geocentrism
Travel Agent | Pendel, PA, USA Customer, calling from a cell phone: “Would you tell me how to get to your office?” Me: “Sure, where are you now?” Customer: “That is none of your business. Just tell me how to get there.” Me: “But to do that, I need to know where you are starting from. Are you in our town?” Customer: “I told you that is none of your $%@# business.” (After few more exchanges of this sort…) Customer: “You are an idiot. Let me speak to your manager.” Manager, who overheard part of the conversation already: “May I help you?” Customer: “Tell me how to get to your office.” Manager: “Well, that depends on where you are starting from.” Customer: “&@#$#!! Just $%%@# tell me how to get there.” Manager: “Okay. See the next corner? Turn right there.” Customer: *click*
Not Always Right | Dirty Mind
Electronics Store | Seattle, WA, USA (Customer calls requesting a cable.) Customer: “Hi. I am trying to connect my iPod to my stereo.” Me: “Okay. Do you have a receiver, a small shelf system, or a boombox?” Customer: “It’s a smaller stereo.” Me: “Okay. Do you have a small plug that looks like a headphone plug that is labeled AUX, Audio IN, or anything of the sort?” Customer: “Yes, there is a small round plug that says AUX.” Me: “Okay, that’s easy. All you need is a 3.5mm male-to-male RCA cable.” Customer: “Male-to-male as in boy-to-boy.” Me, knowing what is coming next and not caring: “Yes, it is just referring to whether it is a plug or a receptor of a plug.” Customer: “Well, you are just disgusting!” Me: “Sorry ma’am, that is just an industry standard term.” Customer: “That is just one of the most disgusting things I have ever
Not Always Right | Just A Teensy Bit Dramatic
Vet | Auckland, NZ Customer: “I’m on my way to the kennels and my cat here needs an injection to get in.” Me: “Well, you need an appointment for that. We’re fully booked until tomorrow afternoon.” Customer: “If you’re going to be so difficult, I’ll take my cat elsewhere and get it put down!”
Not Always Right | Aggression Issues
Tech Support | Tokyo, Japan Me, checking a customer’s network connection: “…so you double-click with the left button of your mouse on the Local Area Connection icon.” Customer: “What? Double-kick?” Me: “No, double-click; I mean you click twice, consecutively with the left button of your mouse on the Local Area Connection icon.” Customer: “Double-kick?” Me: “Yes, double-kick your monitor.”
Not Always Right | Living On The Edge
Ice Cream Shop | New York, NY, USA (At an ice cream shop) Me: “Would you like any mix-ins with that?” Older woman: “Yes, I would like almonds. But not too many, because I’m allergic, and if I have too many I will die.” Me: “…”
Not Always Right | We Need One Of These In Every Store
Hardware Store | Vancouver Island, Canada Employee: *making out a rain check* “Okay, so I’m just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item.” Nice customer: “Okay, thanks.” Angry customer: “Stop f***ing socializing and do your g**d*** job!” Employee: “Sir, please don’t be abusive, I’m just checking our other loc-” Angry customer: “I don’t care! DO YOUR JOB!” (At this point, the angry customer moves toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind HIM, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, steps in. Mr. UFC grabs the angry customer in a CHOKE HOLD and drags him outside, followed quickly by management, and to the applause of the staff and customers inside the store.) (The angry customer was banned from the store and Mr. UFC got a gift card.)
Not Always Right | Perhaps A Little Too Free
Coffee Shop | Ventura, CA, USA (Woman walks in totally nude and grabs a muffin. She has a large, rather offensive tattoo from her bottom rib up her neck.) Me: “Ma’am, you can’t just take those…” Nudist: “Why, because of the tattoo?” Me: “No, because you need to pay for it first.” Nudist: “It’s a free country!” *walks out* (I ended up pulling out my wallet and paying for it myself, because getting arrested for chasing a nude chick down the street is not worth it.)
Not Always Right | Instructions Are Our Friends
Grocery Store | Bellingham, WA, USA (Referring to the payment terminal) Customer: “It’s not working. Whats wrong with it?” Me: “What does it say?” Customer: “It says, ‘Please slide card again’.” Me: “Well, then slide your card again.” Customer: “Oh, okay.” (She slides her card. It works.) Customer: “Hey it worked!”
Not Always Right | How The Ds Rpg Killed The Esrb
Video Game Store | Cincinnati, OH, USA (Customer brings a mediocre role playing game for the Nintendo DS up to the counter.) Customer: “Hey, would this game be good for an eight year old?” Me: “Well, does he like RPGs?” Customer: “Oh, I don’t let him watch anything rated R.” Me: “Oh…I mean, does he like role playing games?” Customer: “Whats that? That like one of them Mario games?” Me: “No, it’s one where you follow a story line and usually has a lot of reading, like Final Fantasy. Has he ever played anything like that before?” Customer: “Oh, he don’t read books. And I don’t like that it’s rated R and PG.”
Not Always Right | Killing Them With Kindness
Tech Support | Harrisburg, PA, USA Me: “Thank you for calling C** Technologies, how can I help?” Customer, very irate: “Yeah! I didn’t pay my internet bill and now its saying my account is suspended and I want to know why!” Me: “Okay, you didn’t pay your bill, we suspended your account and you would like to know why?” Customer: “Yes! Why? Why did you suspend it?” Me: “Alright, let me take a look here…my system shows it suspended the account because you didn’t pay the last bill we sent.” Customer: “I know I didn’t pay the bill! Have a little f**king sympathy here! Are you customer service??” Me: “I’m tech support.” Customer: “Where is customer service at?!?” Me: “Our billing department handles all our customer service issues, I’ll transfer you down to them.” Customer: “You’re acting like a real a**hole you know tha
Not Always Right | Age Ain't Nothing But A Number
Help Desk | Texas, USA (Yet another power cord/paint dispenser story…) Me: “Okay, it’s not plugged in.” Him: “It’s plugged in–it goes right to the back of the computer!” Me: “No, that’s a serial cable, not a power cable.” Him: “What’s this orange one then?” Me: “That connects the computer to the network. It’s also not a power cable and doesn’t connect to the dispenser anyway. The one for the dispenser is black and has a three-prong plug on the end.” Him: “Listen to me, young lady, I have been on this earth for 56 years and I know what a power cord looks like!” Me: “Yes, well, I’ve been on this earth 34 years and I know that some things have to be plugged into an outlet to work.” Him: … Me: … Him: “Oh. There it is. Okay, it’s working now. Thanks.”
Not Always Right | Playing Along
Pizza | Portland, OR, USA Me: “Welcome to *** Pizza, how can I help you?” Customer (sincerely): “Do you have any Chinese food?” Me: “Errr…no.” Customer (still earnest): “Ohhh…really? What about Thai food?” Me: “Oh! Yes.” Customer: “Really?” Me: “No. Not really. Just pizza.”
Not Always Right | More Slippage (freud)
Movie Theater | Greenwood, IN, USA (I was working another very long day right after March of the Penguins had come out , stuck in the box office, when a sweet looking little old lady and her sweet little old lady friend walked up to the window.) Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?” Old lady: “Hello sweetie. I’d like one senior for March of the Penises.” Little old lady friend: “Oh my God…” *shocked, puts hand up to mouth, whispers to friend* Me: “I think you might have the wrong theater…”
Not Always Right | It Runs In The Family
Fast Food | California, USA (A little kid comes running up to counter and points at our menu board above my head.) Kid: “I want that one!” Me: “The taco or the burrito, honey?” Kid’s mother: “Don’t point! That’s rude. You have to tell her what you want.” Kid: “I want the taco.” Me, turning to the mother: “Ok. What can I get for you?” Kid’s mother: *points* “I want that one.”
Not Always Right | Joys Of Self Righteousness
Police Operator | Unknown Location, USA Woman: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.” Me: “I beg your pardon?” Woman: “I want to report a speeding ticket.” Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.” Woman: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90mph!” Me: “Generally at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.” Woman: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license number is ******. (I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.) Me: “Thank you ma’am, I’ll get right on mailing this-” Woman: “Did it come up?” Me: “Yes it did.” Woman: “What did it say?” Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.) Woman: “Oh my god!” Me: “And what is your Driver’s License Number?” Woman: “Why do you need that
Not Always Right | At Least She Has The General Idea
Bookstore | Cincinnati, OH, USA Bored teen girl (between snapping her chewing gum): “Yeah–I’m looking for this book, When I Drop Dead?” Me: “I can’t seem to find it in the system. Do you know who the author is?” Bored teen girl: “I dunno. Flooker or Flocker or something.” *A light goes on in my head* Me: “Do you mean AS I LAY DYING, by WILLIAM FAULKNER??” Her: *explosive sigh* “Yeah. Whatever. That.”
Not Always Right | Behind Every Man Is A Brutally Honest Wife
Restaurant | Louisville, KY, USA (I go to a table of four, a mom and dad and two kids who are ready to order.) Husband: “How big are your pizzas?” Me: “They are 10 inch pizzas, sir.” Husband: “Well how big is 10 inches? (And before I can answer, the wife chimes in.) Wife: “You wouldn’t know anything about 10 inches, dear.” (I stood there for a moment with my mouth open, before I ran to the wait station and started laughing hysterically.)
Not Always Right | With Great Pizza Comes Great Responsibility
Pizza | Louisiana, USA (A hospital calls to order pizza.) Manager: “Thank you for calling *****, would you like to try the Superhero Special?” Customer: “What’s that?” Manager: “It’s an extra large, three topping pizza that comes with a coupon for the Spiderman 3 DVD.” Customer: “…the pizza’s delivered by Spiderman!?” Manager: *laughs* “Only if its delivered to the psych ward, ma’am!”
Not Always Right | That's, Like, Mean
College | Oregon, USA Student: “So, like, um, you wrote on my paper that I wrote like, I, like spoke…but you only gave me 2 out of 10 points. Me: “You used ‘like’ 56 times and ‘that’ 87.” Student: “Um, why is that a problem??” Me: “It was a 2 page writing assignment.” Student: “So…um…since I talked with you, um…can I have some more points?”
Not Always Right | Oh, Crystal Meth
Public Library | Alabama, USA Click here to view the comic version of this quote! (This happens while I'm checking out another patron's books.) Library patron, screaming and pointing at me, elbowing other patron out of the way: "WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE THE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP OFF THE STOVE???" Me: "Um, I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm helping someone right now...." Library patron: "You let it get all FATTY on the top!!!" Me: "...I'm sorry?" (Library patron begins to cry.) Me: "Why are you crying?" Library patron: "I don't know, cuz dads are microwaving their kids and sh*t!" Me: ...
Not Always Right | Fine Line Between Customer & Cuckoo
Retail | Ohio, USA Me: “Hi, can I help you find something?” Lady Customer: “Yes, actually. You have this item that I want, but it looks like it’s been damaged.” (Lady lifts up a portable DVD player that’s currently on sale. She pointed out a small tear in the box.) Lady Customer: “Would you happen to have any more?” Me: “Sure, I can check for you.” *checks our computer* “No, I’m sorry, it appears that you have the last one.” Lady Customer: *angry* “Why don’t you have any more!?” Me: “Well, it’s a great sale, so we’ve had a lot of people come in today to purchase it.” Lady Customer: “Yes, but it’s ON. SALE. That means that it should be IN. STOCK.” Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but since it’s on sale, we’ve had a lot of people come in today to purchase it. The one that you have right now is still in good shape. The onl
Not Always Right | Why Don't We Stamp It On Your Forehead
Video Rental | Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA (We have a program called MVP where you pay an amount and get movies based on which plan, and never have to pay for the movies at the counter while you have it.) Me: “Hi, all set?” Customer: “I have MVP!” *smiles proudly* Me: “That’s great. I still need your ID…” Customer: “But I have MVP.” Me: “So do many other people, I need your ID to look up your account…” (This went on for a moment more before she finally told me her phone number. Worse part? It was the third time she’s done it.)
Not Always Right | Listen For Manager At The End
Pizza | Illinois, USA (I work at a well known pizza chain; let’s call it Daddy Jim’s.) Customer: “I’d like a large sausage and ham pizza and a large Italian Meats Trio.” Me: “Alright, your total is $**.**. We’ll have it out there in about 45 minutes.” (An hour later as I arrive back from the delivery, the store receives a phone call from the same customer.) Customer: “Yeah, hi. I ordered an Italian Meats Trio pizza, and you guys got it wrong.” Me: “How did we get it wrong?” Customer: “Well, it has sausage, ham, and some other sh*t on it.” Me: “Is the ham kind of orange?” Customer: “Yeah.” Me: “Is the sausage peppered and brownish-orange?” Customer: “Uh….yeah.” Me: “Is the other stuff salami?” Customer: “Yeah! What the hell?” Me: “Well, the orange ham is Italian ham, the sausage is Italian sausage, and you
Not Always Right | Fonts Gone Wild
Me: “Thank you for calling *****, how may I assist you today?” Customer: “Hi, I need a new computer.” Me: “I’m sorry? You need a new computer?” Customer: “Yeah, I just bought this one and it’s no good, it’s been hacked!” Me: “This is software support. We can’t replace your hardware, but if you describe the problems you’re having I can try to help you fix them.” Customer: *irritated and sighing* “Some f***ing hacker broke into my computer and put dirty words everywhere! Now I can’t even let my kids use the computer for their homework, because of the obscene language that randomly pops up on the screen!” Me: “Sounds like a virus, do you have an anti-virus installed?” Customer: “I have McAfee and I already tried that 10 TIMES! It didn’t even find anything! Everything on this computer is just worthless and I’m sick of–” Me: “OK
Not Always Right | Youth In Asia
Pet Store | Fridley, MN, USA (A woman came up to my register today and began putting her items up on the counter. All of a sudden, she stopped to listen to the pet store advertisements that we have playing all day in the store. The ad mentioned donations would prevent unnecessary euthanasia in animals at shelters.) Woman: “What would they do with the euthanasia?” Me: “The donations would help animals find homes so they wouldn’t use euthanasia unless it was absolutely necessary.” Woman: “What do euthanasia have to do with it?” Me: “Well, euthanasia means putting them to sleep.” Woman: “They’re killed?” Me: “Essentially.” Woman: “I thought that was just a rumor.” Me: “…what?” Woman: “So do they eat them?” Me: *so confused* “…the vets?” Woman: “No. The kids.” Me, perplexed: “…kids?” Woman: “In
Not Always Right | Repeat After Me: Word Are Our Friends
Mexican Restaurant | East Lansing, MI, USA Customer: “Can I get a vegetarian burrito with chicken?” Me: “You mean, a chicken burrito?” Customer: “Well, what’s in that?” Me: “Chicken.”
Not Always Right | A Few Beans Short Of A Latte
Restaurant | Florida, USA Customer: “Excuse me, but I ordered the vegetable soup!” Me: “Yes ma’am, I know.” Customer: “I don’t see ANY vegetables in this!” Me: “Ma’am, that’s because it’s your coffee.” Customer: “Oh.” (She was surprisingly nice for the rest of meal and left a hefty tip.)
Not Always Right | Speaking Stupidese
Retail | Santa Rosa, CA, USA (A customer comes in and goes to a display rack of boots.) Me: “Can I help you?” Customer: “Where are the boxes with all the shoes in them?” Me: … Her Friend: “She means, do you have these boots in a size 8…”
Not Always Right | Proof That God Is A Chinese Lady
Emergency Medical Technician | New Jersey, USA Me: “We’re going to take you to the hospital.” Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go there, they’ll arrest me!” State Trooper: “Did you do anything wrong?” Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go to the hospital!” Me: “Well you’re pretty banged up. We have to take you for your own good.” Patient: “NO! The Chinese Lady is gonna stick an AIDS needle in my a**!” Me: “There are no Chinese ladies at this hospital.” Patient: “I’m scared! Last time I went to the hospital the Chinese lady stuck an AIDS needle in my a** and I bled out of my a**!” Me: “Don’t worry, we won’t let any Chinese ladies near you.” (We get to the hospital.) Me, to my partner: “Oh my God, his nurse is Chinese.” Patient, as we walk away: “STAY AWAY!”
Not Always Right | Worst. Advertising. Ever
Halloween Store | Georgia, USA (My first day on the job my manager decided that we weren’t getting enough business and proceeded to hand me a plastic pitchfork, wrap a feather boa around my neck and shove me out onto a street corner in the ghetto with a sign.) People in a passing car: “SATANIST B***H!” *throws ketchup packets at me* (A short time later…) White car driven by an older man pulls up: “Miss?” Me: *walks over* “Yes?” Him: “How much?” Me: “…excuse me?” Him: “Well I don’t usually go for the satanic looking type. I guess you could get out of all that black…” Me: “What the…oh….” *I start laughing hysterically* him: “What? You aren’t?” Me: *I point up towards the store* “Mister, I work for the Halloween shop…” Him: “Oh, when do you open?” Me: “I don’t. The store is open now t
Not Always Right | Yes, Your Highness
Retail | Cleveland, OH, USA Me: “Excuse me, can I help you ma’am?” Customer, in a very mean tone: “Yeah, I need a Dove bar.” Me: “Okay, ma’am. The soaps are right over there; see the sign?” Customer: “…” Me: “?” Customer: “I’M WAITING…” Me: *sigh* (I go and get the soap and hand it to her. Then, she shows me a list of eight other things.)
Not Always Right | Ask, And Ye Shall Receive
Video Game Retailer | Houston, TX, USA (December 24th, last day for Christmas shopping.) Customer: “Do you have a Nintendo Wii?” Me: “No sir, unfortunately we are all sold out.” Customer: “Why?” Me: “It’s just pretty much the top holiday item, sir, and we have been selling out of the Wiis non-stop since last November.” Customer: “When do you get them in?” Me: “I don’t know. Not until after February, probably.” Customer: “D**n it! I have kids you know! Show some sympathy!” Me: “So do probably 70 of the 100 people in line behind you, sir. Now is there anything else I can help you with?” Customer: “What if I slip you a $20?” Me: “What about, no.” Customer thinking I’m stupid: “Well, sell me the box you have right there up on the corner of your shelf, you liar!” Me: “I can’t sell it to you, but I guess I could give
Not Always Right | The Shock & Thaw Strategy
Tech Support | Plainfield, IN, USA Customer: “I need a fan.” Me: “What kind of fan?” Customer: “A fan for where I plug my modem in.” Me: “Do you have it with you?” Customer: “Yeah.” (Customer leaves and returns with the computer. A hair dryer is duct-taped to the power supply, nozzle pointing into where the fan normally sits.) Me, dumbfounded: “Why is there a hairdryer taped to your computer?” Customer: “Well, I have to keep it warm, or it will freeze up.”
Not Always Right | So, This Is Why People Have Children
Pizzeria | Portland, OR, USA (It’s Christmas Eve and there is a long line of customers who are now waiting to pay. A little girl cuts to the front while I am giving a guy a drink refill.) Little girl’s mom (LGM), to the refill guy: “UGH! Did you just cut her?” (LGM smacks the guy in head; surprisingly, he just walks off with his soda.) Me: “What can I get you?” LGM: “Don’t ask me, ask her! She’s your customer; you should be asking her. God, it’s people like you who ruin the holidays!” Me, to the little girl: “Okay, what would you like?” (The little girl just stares blankly at me while customers are becoming pissed.) LGM, coming clean: “Just give me a Diet Pepsi. It’s for me.”
Not Always Right | Oh, Mary Jane
Bath and Bedding Department | Tampa, FL, USA (I swear this lady was high as a kite…She had this crazed out look and talked in this very airy voice. She comes up to register with a large pile of towels and turns to the lady checking out beside her.) Customer: “Wow! I love your purse! It would go with my shiny blue shoes, and my black jacket, and those cute Capri pants in my closet!” Other Customer: “Uh…thanks?” Customer: *turns to me* “You know, I have to keep changing the bathroom colors. I like the spring colors, but you know, Angel keeps peeling the paint off of the wall behind the toilet so I keep telling her Uncle Rico is going to have to repaint the bathroom if she keeps doing that…” Me: “Ok…well, I hope you enjoy your towels.” *hands her the receipt* “Thank you and have a nice day.” Customer: *eyes grow wide as she sprawls the receipt out* “WOW! This receipt is so…LONG! Its
Not Always Right | Those Heathens And Their Time Telling Ways
Movie Theater | London, UK Customer: “What time does the film start?” Me: “The film starts fifteen minutes after the time on your ticket. There are fifteen minutes of ads and trailers.” Customer: “No, I said what time does the F-I-L-M start?!” Me: “The film starts after fifteen minutes of trailers, so fifteen minutes after whatever it says on the ticket. Your ticket says 3:30 pm, so the film would start at 3:45, okay?” Customer: “Don’t blind me with science!”
Not Always Right | Pinheaded
Bank | Tennessee, USA Customer: “Hey, somebody painted the wall outside the branch I use!” Me: “Yes sir. What seems to be the problem?” Customer: “Well now I don’t know my PIN number!” Me: “I’m sorry–I’m not sure what that has to do with the wall being painted.” Customer: “I wrote my PIN number on the wall beside the ATM! NOW what am I supposed to do?!?!” Me: “…”
Not Always Right | Short Term Memory Is For The Weak
Frozen Yogurt Shop | Los Angeles, CA, USA (We keep lids for our yogurt cups behind the counter and ask each customer if they need one when we give them their order.) Me: “Would you like a lid for that?” Female Customer: “No, thank you.” Me: “Alright, have a nice day.” (She continues to just stand there after I walk away.) Female Customer: “Fine! I guess I don’t get a lid then!” Customer’s Boyfriend: “You just told her you didn’t want one.” Female Customer: “Oh yeah…” Me: *facepalm*
Not Always Right | Depth Perception Strikes Again Part 2
Sign Installer | Seattle, WA, USA (The following took place outside a small dentist’s office. The client requested an electric sign that that was a full-color copy of their business card, it took four weeks to fabricate and cost $3500.) Dentist’s Wife: “Wow, that turned out JUST perfect! My husband is going to be so pleased to see that up when he gets back.” Me: “I’m glad you like it, we’re very happy how it all came together.” (A crane truck and two installers hoist the sign in the air, attach it to the 16′ pole and turn the lighting on.) Dentist’s Wife: “Oh wait, that’s…that’s not right, you need to take it down now, I don’t believe this!! I want our money back!” Me: “Ma’am? What’s wrong?” Dentist’s Wife: “Well look at it, will you? It’s not right, it’s not the same as our card.” Me, pulling out my paperwork: “Now ma&rsq
Not Always Right | What A Concept: Ice Cream That Melts
Ice Cream Shop | Sweden (Hot summer day temperature in the nineties. Tons of people in line because the shop is in an amusement park and everybody wants soft ice cream, which makes the soft ice even softer as it doesn’t have time to chill properly.) Male customer, who bought soft ice cream for his family 30 min or so earlier, comes up to the window very upset: “The soft ice cream is melting! My kids are a total mess!” Me: “Well, it is hot outside, what are you gonna do?” Customer: “You should put up a sign to let people know that it will melt!” Me: “I don’t assume my customers are idiots.” (Customer bangs the ice cream cone on the counter and storms off.) The next customer in line looks at me and laughs: “I’ll guess I’ll just have the regular ice cream then.”
Not Always Right | Being Picky Is An Exact Science
Coffee Shop | Indiana, USA Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get for you today?” Customer: “Yes, I’d like a medium coffee with twenty-seven and a half sugars.” Me: “I’m sorry, was that…twenty-seven and a half?” Customer: “Yes.” Me: “You’re sure you don’t just want the twenty-eight?” Customer: “Ewww, gross! That’d be too sweet.”
Not Always Right | Send In The Clowns
Children's Entertainer at a Theme Park | New York, USA (Almost thirty kids are lined up at the velcro wall waiting to ride. We have about five minutes until out troupe leaves.) Some Mother: “I want my son to ride this ride.” Me: “Ma’am I don’t think there’s enough time for all these kids to–” Some Mother: “I don’t care if he’s the last one. I want him to ride this ride.” Me: “This ride is going to shut down in about five minutes. There isn’t enough time for–” Some Mother: “He can be the last in line then.” Me: “He can wait in line but probably won’t be able to–” Some Mother: “Fine.” (Mother walks away and returns some time after the ride is shut down and all kids are turned away.) Some Mother: “Hey! HEY! I thought we agreed that my child would get on the ride.” Me: “That’s not what we agreed to.” Som
Not Always Right | When In Rome (or A Kosher Deli)
Kosher Deli | Iowa, USA (Keep in mind, this is a kosher deli.) Customer: “Can I get a ham sandwich, please?” Me: “Well, sir, we don’t serve ham.” Customer: “No ham? What do you have then?” Me: “Well, we have turkey, roast beef, corned beef, and pastrami…” Customer: “But no ham?” Me: “No, sir, no ham.” Customer: “What? Do you have a thing against ham or something?” Me: “Actually…yes, we do.”
Not Always Right | How Cows Order Coffee
Donut Shop | Florida, USA Me: “Good morning, how can I help you?” Woman: “Yeah, a small coffee with 2 splendas and extra milk.” Me: “Okay, that will be $1.49.” (She pays and I give her the change. I proceed to make the drink. I pressed the “Medium” button for milk and then gave an extra shot. When I gave it to her, she took a sip and made a face as if she had just taken a sip of liquefied dog s**t.) Me: “What seems to be the problem?” Woman: “I asked for extra milk! This is too strong.” Me: “Well, I’ll put some more in for you. No problem.” Woman, muttering under her breath: “Idiot kid…” (I put another “Medium” shot in. This is two mediums and one extra shot for a total of seven milks.) (She takes another sip, with the same face.) Woman: “What part of extra milk do you not understand?” Me: “I understand what extra milk means. I put in
Not Always Right | Complaining Incognito
Internet Tech Support | United Kingdom Me: “You’re through to ****** tech support, can I take your telephone number?” Customer: “No.” Me: “Okay, can I take your post code instead?” Customer: “No.” Me: “Okay sir, I’m trying to help but I need to bring your account details up in my system.” Customer, rather angrily: “What the **** do you want my details for? I can’t connect to the internet, you need to sort it out!” Me: “I will do my best, sir, but like I explained I need to bring up your account details to verify what the problem seems to be.” Customer, screaming: “That’s it, I’m calling your complaints department. This is ***** ridiculous. I also want to speak to your manager NOW!” Me: “Sorry sir, I cant do that as you haven’t verified any of your account details.” Customer: “That’s it, I’m leaving your provider for
Not Always Right | Qwerty Makes Me Go Asdfasdf
Library | Ohio, USA Library Patron: “I need some help comparing heating prices.” Me: “Okay, let me show you a website where you can compare the different gas companies.” (Leads patron to computer, and types in website address.) Me: “Here you go. Just type in your information.” Library Patron, looking at keyboard: “These letters are all mixed up!” Me: “Uh, well…” Library Patron: “Have they always been like this?” Me: “Only since the 1800’s. Here, let me do the typing.”
Not Always Right | Maybe If I Dial Random Numbers
Pet Insurance Sales | Suffolk, UK Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling ***** Pet Insurance. My name is Barry, how can I help?” Customer: “I’m not happy!” Me: “And why is that?” Customer: “I don’t know the sort code for my bank account!” Me: “Okay…have you tried calling your bank?” Customer: “If I did that I’d end up talking to somebody in India! Can’t you just tell me?” Me: “Well, I sell pet insurance, so unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of information. I only have information on how much it will cost to insure a cat or a dog. I guess you could find it if you went to your bank’s website.” Customer: “Oh great! Could you do that for me?” Me: *sigh*
Not Always Right | Having A Hussie Fit
Sports Bar | Michigan, USA Me: “Here’s your lemonade sir, what can I get you to eat?” Customer: “I’ll have a bowl of chili.” (I walk to the back of the restaurant get bowl of chili and take it to him. This takes all of one minute.) Customer, angrily: “That took far too long. Did you socialize with the other hussies that work here on your way?” Me: “No, sir. That’s how long it takes to walk back and get the chili.” Customer: “I’m not paying for any of this.” (He then gets up to storm out the front door but instead runs into the door that has the “Use Other Door” sign on it. The “hussies” and I didn’t stop laughing for a good 20 minutes.)
Not Always Right | Meatheaded
Supermarket | UK (A customer walks up to counter and stares at produce.) Customer: “Don’t you have any vegetarian sausages?” Me: “This is a meat counter; we only have meat. We should have some prepacked though.” Customer: “But, I want to buy from here. Why don’t you sell them?” Me: “We only have meat on the meat counter, I’m afraid. Is there anything else you would like?” Customer: “Do you have tofu burgers here??” Me: “…”
Not Always Right | Nowhere To Hide
Tourist Train Station | New England, USA Man: “Oh miss! I notice your shirt says the “*** Steam Train”. You work there?” Me: “…yes?” Man: “So there are, like… trains?” Me: “Of course…” Man: “So why are you at “Stop and Shop”? Shouldn’t you be doing your job? There are no trains here!” Me: “Sir, it’s called a lunch break.” Man: “Oh…” *radiates a healthy scarlet color*
Not Always Right | Let's Hope The Covenant Hates Rock N Roll
Toy Store | Fairfax, VA, USA (To provide some context, we have a display for Guitar Hero 3 set up which, among other things, has a playable guitar, a big huge sign that says GUITAR HERO 3, and a display “case” that has the guitar from the game and the game set up to look real pretty.) Customer: “Hi, I’m not sure what my son wanted, it was something 3…Hylo…” Me: “Halo 3?” Customer: “Yeah, that’s it! Do you have that?” Me: “Sure, it’s just in the back, let me go grab a copy.” (After I go in the back and grab a copy…) Customer: “Wait a minute, where’s the guitar? I want the one with the guitar.” Me: “Uh… oh, you must’ve been looking for Guitar Hero 3! I don’t have the one bundled with the guitar right now, but if you already have the guitar you can buy just the game.” Customer: “No, you do, it’s over here!” Me: &
Not Always Right | You Can Never Dumb It Down Enough
Ice Cream Shop | Maine, USA (We wanted to avoid common questions, so we made a massive wooden ice cream cone and put it up on the counter to display the number of scoops possible, and the price at each level. This thing was like 4 feet high, each scoops with a diameter of at least 1 foot.) Woman: “Hi, how much is one scoop?” Coworker: “Oh, right here…” *points to sign* Woman: “JESUS! Those are huge! How could anyone eat that much?” Coworker: “…” (I ran into the back, almost in tears from laughing.)
Not Always Right | I Gave Birth To A Guinea Pig
Grocery Store Deli Counter | Philadelphia, PA, USA Me: “Hi there ma’am, what can I get for you today?” Customer, with her young son: “Yeah, could I have a piece of that bologna so my son can taste it?” Me: “Sure, would you like to try it too?” Customer: “Oh no thanks. I just want to see if my son is allergic.” Me: “…”
Not Always Right | Someone Needs To Switch To Decaf
Coffee Shop | Los Angeles, CA, USA (At the front bar of a certain coffee shop, as I’m In the middle of making a caramel macchiato.) Old, angry, hovering Customer: “What are you doing? I didn’t ask for caramel, I’m allergic! Are you trying to kill me?? I had to wait in line all this time and I can’t get a **** coffee made right!” Me: “Ma’am, this is a caramel macchiato. I’m sure this isn’t your drink; what did you have today?” Customer: “I had a latte. I’ve been waiting 10 minutes!” Me: “Ma’am, theres a latte right here on the counter right next to your handbag.” Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m late for my movie!” Me: “Ma’am, I called the drink out three times, you were standing there the whole time.” Customer: “You should have called louder!” Me: “I’m sorry, I was practically yelling, I figured it was l
Not Always Right | Higher Education, Not So High Common Sense
Tech Support | Florida, USA (This was a few years ago, when I worked for tech support at my college.) Me: “***** College tech support, this is *****. How can I help you?” Caller: “Yes, I’m having trouble with my e-mail client. I can’t figure out how to set up my account.” Me: “No problem, let me walk you through it.” (I talk her through the account set up screens. Finally, when we’re done…) Me: “All right, click on ‘OK’ and you should be all set.” Caller: “What ‘OK’? I don’t see anything that says ‘OK’.” Me: “There’s a button to the lower right of the window that says ‘OK’, next to the ‘Cancel’ button.” Caller: “I don’t see it.” (This exchange goes on for about 5 minutes. I have the program open on my computer and describe the window to make sure she’s in the right spot, and she is. I
Not Always Right | Where The Sun Don't Shine
Call Center | Ontario, Canada (Cell phone customer has been redirected to the call center for non-payment of his cell phone bill.) Customer: “Turn on my phone or you can take it and shove it up your a**!!!” Me: “I’m sorry sir. We don’t have service in that area.”
Not Always Right | Gluttony Or Gluttony
Restaurant | Bradford, UK Customer: “Can I have the giant Yorkshire Pudding?” Me: “Sure, would you like it served with Beef or Pork?” Customer: “Yes, I’ll have beef or pork.” Me: “No, would you like Beef OR Pork?” Customer: “YES, beef or pork!”
Not Always Right | Suddenly I Feel Sorry For Her Child
Retail | Colorado, USA Woman: Excuse me, I’ve lost my child somewhere in the store. Me: “Okay, I’ll get someone right away.” (I call in a code yellow.) Me: “Okay, how old is your child?” Woman: “She’d just turned three. Ooohhh, what if she’s been kidnapped?” Me: “Don’t worry, I’m sure that’s not the case.” (Security comes up to talk to her and she turns around.) Security: “Ma’am, how many children do you have?” Woman: “Just one, why?” Security: “Because your child is on your back.” (She was wearing one of those harnesses.)
Not Always Right | Customer: Impossible
Electronics Retail | Chicago suburbs, IL, USA Old man: “I need a new phone! But I don’t want all those fancy bells and whistles on it!” Me: “Ok, well we have some more basic phones over–” Old man: “No I don’t want caller ID!” Me: “Hmm…well all the phones we carry have caller ID on them. It’s a pretty standard feature nowadays.” Old man: “Yeah but I don’t have that service, so I’d just be wasting my money on a feature I don’t use!” (This sort of this goes on for about 10 minutes. At one point another customer enters the aisle doing her own shopping. He looks over my shoulder and yells to her “Go find someone else! He’s helping me right now!”) (Finally he decides on a phone…) Old man: “Does this one have a wall mount?” Me: “Yes sir, it’s wall mountable.” Old man: “Show me!” Me: “We can’t re
Not Always Right | If By "everyone" You Mean Morons Like Yourself
Tech Support | Breda, The Netherlands Customer: “I got just back from my vacation and all of a sudden my internet connection isn’t working anymore. Have you got a technical problem in my area or something.” Me: “No ma’am, as far as I know there aren’t any problems at this moment. Can you check which status lights are burning on your modem?” (Now this is a standard check we do to troubleshoot; it’s very easy to tackle when something’s going wrong.) Customer: “Alright, well, all lights are off. Are you sure there couldn’t be a problem on your side?” Me: “No miss, there aren’t any problems. I checked it when you were checking the status lights. But they were all off, you said?” Customer: “Yeah, there wasn’t a light burning on my modem. What could that mean?” Me: “Well, that could mean two things: Either the modem is broken or…” Customer: “No, it ca
Not Always Right |... And Stupidity Resolves Itself
Ice Cream Shop | Maine, USA Large Woman 1: “This is not my ice cream, I ordered the butter pecan! It’s simple–just scoop ice cream!” Large Woman 2: “This is not my ice cream either, I ordered the maple walnut! How d*** complicated is it to give people the right ice cream?” (Glancing at both of their ice creams, I realize that the problem was their fault, because they just took each other’s ice cream.) Me: “Yeah, complicated…” (I walked out back and looked at them on the security camera, until they realized they were the idiots, and left.)
Not Always Right | The Sound Of Silence
Grocery Store | Bellingham, WA, USA Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I direct your call?” Lady: “Can I get your Orient kitchen?” (I put her on hold, page the kitchen. 30 seconds later, the phone rings.) Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I direct your call?” Same lady: “Yeah, I was holding for the Orient kitchen, I think I got disconnected.” Me: “Just a sec.” (I put her on hold again, page the kitchen again. 30 seconds later, phone rings again.) Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I direct your call?” Same lady: “You keep hanging up on me! Every time I call for the kitchen, you hang up on me.” Me: “Ma’am, I am putting you on hold.” Lady: “No, you keep hanging up on me. You say hold and then there’s silence.” Me: “If I was hanging up on you, you would hear a dial tone. The silence is you being on hold. So if you wait a minute, I w
Not Always Right | The Problem With Blank Checks Part 2
Sales Associate | Nebraska, USA (I’m standing behind my counter when a man comes up to me with a prepaid phone and airtime card in his hand.) Me: “Can I help you sir?” Customer: “I wanna buy this.” (I usually make people tell me what they want before I just “hop to.”) Me: “That’ll be $63.55.” Customer: *sets check down in front of me* “Just fill that out for me.” Me: *thinking about writing a check for $20 over for a tip*
Not Always Right | De Ting! De Ting!!!
Tech Support | Oregon, USA (I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.) Me: “Thanks for calling ***** tech support. (The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.) Me: “Great! What can I do for you?” Her: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.” Me: “So…it’s blue, and blue…on the thing?” Her: “Yes.” Me: “Where is it blue?” Her: “On de ting.” Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the Computer screen or your camera?” Her: “Yes…de ting.” Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.” Her: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!” M
Not Always Right | One Woman Wrecking Crew
Gas Station | Olympia, WA, USA Woman: “I’ve been standing out there trying to pump gas for the last 10 minutes! Your @&$%*# gas pump is broken!” Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll go out with you and see what I can do.” (I see a bright red “Out of Order” bag on the nozzle; she had shoved everything into her tank, bag and all.) Me: “Yes, that pump is broken. You’ll need to pull up to another pump.” Woman: “Oh, well you guys should really mark it better. I wasted a lot of time here!” Me: “Um…yes, we usually put a traffic cone in front.” Woman: “Oh yeah…I saw it, but I didn’t know what it was for, so I just drove over it.” (The cone was wedged under her car.)

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