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Jokes
You know you're Australian when... 1. You're familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry O'Brien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch. 2. You know that Burger King doesn't exist. It's Hungry Jacks. 3. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes it's even fake. 4. You know the difference between thongs and a G-banger 5. You know that "stubbies" are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a "gimp", "bogan" or "geezer" is a random idiot,someone in trouble is in "strife" and you're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something. 4. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc. 5. You know that some ppl pronounce "Austral
*jokes N Stuff*
it's almost valentines day and someone out there wants to be your valentine so repost this even if you are already taken and see who wants to be yours...the first person to message you back saying be mine will be your valentine..come on what do you have to lose Subject: IBM - Mouse balls & Mouse ball inspector I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences. 'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units) Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding,
Jokes
CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud... I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! (And I feel it too!) All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (Y A THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. I
Jokes
Supermarket surround sound. (JOKE) The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Jokes
Jokes
>A Blonds year in review...... > >January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. > >February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print >labels.....Helllloooo!!!....bottles won't fit in printer !!! > >March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 >months.....box said "2-4 years!" > >April - Trapped on escalator for hours . ... power went out!! ! > >May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water >won't fit into those little packets!!! > >June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. > >July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition....learned later, the >other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! > >August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because >soft-top was open. > >September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? > >October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. > >November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1
Joke
Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are
Jokes
1. You let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her children. 2. The Blue Book value of your pickup can double depending on how much gas in the tank. 3. You've been married three times amd still have the same inlaws, 4. Someone in your family died after saying "Hey, guys, watch this". 5. Your wife's hairdo was ruined by a ceiling fan. 6. Your junior prom offers day care. 7. You think the last words of the "Star Spangled Banner" are, "Gentlemen start your engins". 8. The Holloween pumpkin on the porch has more teeth than your wife. 9. You have to go outside to get something from the frig. 10. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of tattoos. 11. You can't marry your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 12. You think loading the dishwasher means gettaing your wife drunk. 10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack 9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes
Joke
IF ONE DROP OF SEMEN HAS MORE LIFE THAN ONE DROP OF BLOOD, THEN WHY DOESNT DRACULA SUCK DICK INSTEAD? LOL HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Jokes
Where did "Piss Poor" come from?  Interesting History.... They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot And then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot. They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low. The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The
Jokes And Stuff
THE PENIS STUDY The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they Concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was To give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their Own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that The reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more Pleasure during sex. Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own Study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of Beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off And hitting himself in the forehead. Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this............ A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to con
Jokes
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose ?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears." The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surpr
Jokes
1.Code word for sex A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." 2.An old man a boy and a donkey An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man W
Joke....
How To Give A Cat A Pill 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pi
Jokes
Jokes
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the do
Jokes
Jokes
Things To Do On An Elevator   Things to do on an Elevator 1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?” 2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. 3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves. 4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. 5) MEOW occasionally. 6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly 7) SAY -DING at each floor. 8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons. 9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.” 11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?” 12) TRY to ma
Jokes, Good Bad And Indiffernt, What Your Call?
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.) "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads t
Jokes
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman…Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer!” This drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large “kegs.” “Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only get a guy to consume a few units of “Beer” and then simply ask him home for “NO STRINGS ATTACHED SEX!” Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several “Beers,” men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” happened. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know! If you fall victim to this “Beer” scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of
Jokes
Forrest Gump meets St. Peter at the Pearly gates. "Welcome, Forrest. We've been expecting you!" said St. Peter. "Now, if you'll bare with me, we'll start the entrance exam now, and you can be in Heaven with Jenny in no time!" Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions." "First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would
11/15/07 Joke
A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204." The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?" The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!" The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!" The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and li
Jokes Of The Day
I could really use some advice, and i know this blog kind of sounds like a mumm, but i just know that my friends won't give me a hard time over some dicky kind of shit like this.....but....what i was trying to get at was this: I want to get back into art and drawing and things like that, but i was just more curious as to what you think gets more attention: figure/body modeling and also in that category is facial profiles (i said "faicals" chuckles). Or, do you think more of the simplistic kind of art work like still lifes, landscapes, and other various kinds of work. Or how about just silly kind of artwork, like lettering or the more professional word for it is "typography", and just kind of out-there kind of art. Which is more appealing? I do want to create some more work, i just don't know which direction i should go? I like all three kinds of artwork, but i was just wanted a little direction on what art has more effect on my peeps and it's more enjoyable to look at? I saw a bi
11/16/07 Joke
11/17/07 Joke
11/18/07 Joke
11/19/07 Joke
11/20/07 Joke
Jokes
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs! One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered. 'Yeah,but you've got a driver!' Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sh
Joke 1
There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
11/21/07 Joke
Jokes 2
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Jokes 3
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.' The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfort
Jokes 4
Thought For The Day Handle every situation like a dog. If you can't Eat it or Chew it. Piss on it and Walk Away.
Jokes 4
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ************************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ************************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the
Jokes 5
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exi
Jokes 6
Three Points to Ponder 1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments C O W S Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. ________________________________ T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give t hem ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore. ________________________________ T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not
Jokes 7
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentucky, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to As "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore .. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNA
Jokes 8
Check your drivers license...Now you can see anyone's Drivers License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...Picture and all! Thanks Homeland Security Privacy, where is our right to it? I definitely removed mine, I suggest you all do the same....Go to the web site and check it out. Just enter your name, City and State to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove." This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement. http://www.license.shorturl.com/ < /DIV> If the link does not open when you click on it - cut and past it into your url I was feeling a little nosey, so I thought I would look in on you and see if you are sitting at your computer... Yup, there you are, Doing nothing!
11/22/07 Joke
11/23/07 Joke
11/24/07 Joke
Jokes
Blow Job A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar--a saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ..... In one second the sharp li
Jokes
JOKE OF THE DAY: IF ORAL SEX MAKES YOUR DAY, WHAT DOES ANAL SEX DO? ANSWER: IT MAKES UR HOLE WEAK!
Jokes N Such
2008 Democratic National Convention 7:00 pm Opening flag burning 7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. 7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton 7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging 7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore 8:15 pm Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding 8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry 9.00 pm Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon 10:00 pm "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin 11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand 11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn 11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William
Joke Of The Day!!!
Christian Bear An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!" "What beautiful animals!" He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you exp
Jokes
DOG DIARY 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! CAT DIARY Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I
Joke
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing. He then decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault, "says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipmen
Joke Of The Day
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Joke Of The Day
A woman is using a hair dryer on her pussy Her husband walk's in and see her he ask's her what are you doing she say's warming up your dinner
Jokes 1
Pussy Eating Frog ------------------------------------------------- A woman goes into a pet store, to purchase some dogfood. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box.....and it says...." Pussy Eating Frogs" - $20.00 each. (comes with instructions) She looks at it for a minute.......looks around to see if anyone's watching her. ...and she whispers to the man, behind the counter..."I'll take one." He packages up this frog, the woman grabs her dog food, and is on her way home. She gets home....takes out her instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1) Take a shower, put on some nice smelling perfume 2) Put on a very sexy Teddy 3) Crawl into bed......spread your legs and put the frog down "THERE". To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps, this scent she chose is not appealing to the frog..... So, she showers again.....and tries another perfume. She gets back in
Joke
how do gay gangsters do drivebys? they throw skittles and scream taste the rainbow bitch An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have s___ in it." The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more." giving head is like eatin sun flower seeds. put it in your mouth, suck it, get the nut, then spit it out
Jokes Lol
Joke
A bus load of catholic girls go over a cliff and they all die and go to heaven... they are standing at the pearly gates, and St Peter ask the first girl: Have you ever touched a mans organ She replies yes but just with my finger St Peter says: wash your finger in this holy water and go right in The next girl in line steps forward and St Peter asks: Have you ever touched a male organ? The girl replies yes but only with my hand St Peter says: wash your hand in this Holy water and go right in A girl runs up to the font of the line and asks St Peter if she can go next, ans St Peter asks why The girl says: well if you want me to gargle that holy water i wanna do it before ashley sticks her butt in there Anger management... When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd
Joke
Jokes--friday14,07
Sex Education Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!" ****************************************** Stop Following Me! A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP! He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heel
Joke # 4
If you wake to see santa standing by your pillow jerkin off..it's ok.. I just told him i wanted you to have a white x-mas..
Jokes
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. and funny (which is amazing in itself!!! hahaha) so just go with it (Girls -- Have a sense of humor!) One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on s
Jokes
OUCH! You just never know...... You gotta love a good nurse... A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week WORRY Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become de
Jokers Wild Lounge
Jokes
Every one that knows adele and me knows i have said some nasty things to her i freely admit that, but i'm not the monster that she makes me out to be.. i have no feelings for any other woman in here and i NEVER will have she know's i'm in love with her and she knows how to hurt me so BELIEVIE what you want i DON'T CARE AT THE MINUTE SO WHAT I WILL LEAVE HERE! AND LET HER GET ON WITH HER LIFE But UNDERSATAND THIS I Am IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL AND i will live for her FOREVER!!!!!
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Joke Of The Day!!!
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk. "If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone. So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rai
Joke1
Joke 1
Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire. A: See you next month. (this joke it courtesy of grillmore) Q: What did the lesbian alligator say to another lesbian alligator? A: Ya know, they're right we do taste like chicken!
Joke 2
Jokes
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Lov e Kids. "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes t
Jokes
Never Choke in a restaurant in the South Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to! th e w oman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!' WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK I was shopping at
Joke
The first blond guy joke ! The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait! An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of
Jokes
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-end
Jokes
This will make you feel really smart..... How do these people survive? ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply . "So I can't! order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I sa
Jokes.
Wrinkled was NOT one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!! There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals : King Kong, Ape, Orangutan and a Monkey pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 10 seconds. Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis. If your answer is: Orangutan = your dull & normal Ape = you're a moron Monkey = worse, you're an idiot King Kong = your hopelessly stupid Why????? A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas ! Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax ! Try again next year Me and my friends have made a room .If u like u r more then welcome to cum and join us and sit and talk with us and bring ur friends in to. You can find the room on m
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A condom tells a tampon "you always stop my business for a week". The tampon responds "yea but when YOU fuck up, i lose my job for 9 months"!!!!!!
Jokes
Did you hear that brittany Spears is getting back together?
Jokes
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. ?One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a Cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. ?The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with the tea and scones, they began to chat. ?the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it go the better of him and could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell about this?" pointing to the bowl. ?"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? ?I was walking through the Park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground. ?The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that
Jokes
Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!?! When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins Take o
Joke...
Jokes
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer. The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!" A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says "we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings". The bear, very angry now, says "if you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting
Jokes
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big wolf crouched down behind a log. " My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!" A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just lo
Jokes N Such
Ok im goin thru my jokes and i got two i want to know which is the better one... its blond vs brunette here... A) A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. B) A Russian, an American, and a Brunette were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The
Jokes
Jokes/hummor
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN FIREFIGHTING 1) "This is a big one 2) "It's long, hard and pumps like crazy. 3) "Hard suction." 4) Firefighters are always in heat. 5) Your hosebed or mine? 6) "She's hot tonight, boys!" 7) Being "first-in" isn't necessarily a good thing. 8) Taking your girl for a ride in the pumper. 9) Dressing from head to toe in rubber. 10) Wanna slide down my pole? 11) Firefighters have the longest hoses. 12) A "quickie" is anything under two hours. 13) We need to hit it with a large, heavy stream. 14) She was exposed to a nasty backdraft. 15) Rescuing helpless pussies from trees. 16) Three words - Front mount pump. 17) "Watch out! She's gonna blow!" 18) Forcing your way into a hot entrance. 19) Firefighters "hump hose" all day long. 20) "We're gonna need a little more head pressure." 21) Put the wet stuff on the red stuff. 22) Find 'em hott, leave 'em wet.
Joke 4
Joke
Joke Of The Day
So, Farrah Fawcet dies and goes to heaven. God grants her one wish so. she tells God that she wants all of the children on earth to be SAFE.............so God killed Michael Jackson. Blonde using secret deodorant reads directions, remove top and push up bottom. Blonde says " well, im topless and it hurts to walk but, my farts smell AMAZING"! A blonde asks her friend what idk means, I Dont Know, replies her friend. Shit!! nobody knows! replies the blonde
Jokes
Interesting Human Body Facts: The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm "My insurance will pay for Viagra but not birth contol..go figure! Less is more?" A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. "BULL-LONEY, mine is the size of a Kumquat" It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. "That is the same amount of time it takes to turn to fat too." One human hair can support 3 kg. "HAH...I'd love to see my hair support this frame" Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. "Yep, they have to be to support this second person I carry. I ate my skinny inner person." The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples "So I no longer have to blame Sara Lee?." The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. "Be right back...looking for a flashlight and yard stick. Hubby is asleep." A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. ( unle
Jokes
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me? "The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second t
Joke Blog
This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used. After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look. The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes. The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!" A guy walks into a bar with a frog. He sits next to this real attractive lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink.The lady says "that's a disgusting looking frog you got there."
Jokeof The Day
Jokes
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, arrives one evening at his country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old Japanese woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her exotic sex appeal, beguiling accent, and oriental charm. Demurely, she hangs onto Bob's arm, listens intently to his every word, and caters to his every whim -- preparing and then lighting his cigar, bringing him cocktails from the bar, rubbing his temples when he complains of a slight headache, etc. His friends at the club are all aghast and green with envy. When she excuses herself to go to the powder room, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend, order her from match-maker website?" Bob replies indignantly, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are amazed, but continue to question him. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What did you do, tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and answers,
Jokes
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger's. The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about? "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a clie
Jokes
JOKES The Son tells his dad he had sex for the first time. Dad grabs two beers and says congrats, got any questions to ask? The Son replies yeah, how long will my ass hurt? We will now upgrade your Sex Life, Please wait searching...searching... Error...no sex life found. Keep playing with yourself. A girl asked her teacher why cows seem depressed when being milked. The teacher replied, if every morning they squeezed your tits for 30 minutes and don’t fuck you’d feel the same way. When you’re having a bad day remember you could be a Siamese twin stuck to your gay brother who has a date tonight and you only have 1 ass hole. The policeman asks the prostitute 'so when did you realize you were raped?' the prostitute replies 'when the check bounced! Today is National “GOOD LOOKING DAY”. So send this to someone gorgeous- but not me, I've been getting this fucking text all day!!! May the crabs of a thousand whores infest the crotch of the person that fucks up your day and
Jokes
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'  On the PA system:  'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'  You can't read this and stay in a bad mood 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?Unique Up On It.2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?Tame Way, Unique Up On It.3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?They Take The Psycho Path! 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?You Boil The Hell Out Of It.5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Co
Joke Of The Day
Two Rednecks Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"! A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the
Jokes N Things
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "Woo hoo! What a ride!" :-p Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point: 1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit: smoking. 8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night. 9. Spend more time at work. 10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine. 11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 12. Quit giving money &
Joke 4
A Real Cowboy An elderly Texas cowhand went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill. The pharmacist asked 'How many?' The cowboy replied, 'Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.' The pharmacist said, 'That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex.' The old fellow said, 'Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new boots.
Joke!!;lol
Jokes
I SENT YOU AN ANGEL LAST NIGHT TO KEEP YOU SAFE BUT HE CAME BACK & SAID HE COULDN'T WATCH PORN. HOW COULD YOU TRAMATISE HIM & NOT TELL ME FAMOUS People Walk on Red Carpets CAUSE THEY FAMOUS & I MYSELF WALK ON TOILET PAPER cause I'm the Shit
Jokes
Doctors Never Laugh ...the Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied.
Joke
HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END: It really works, so I'm sending it on to all of you!follow link !!!!!! Just Copy And Paste This Link Into Your Browser !!! http://vili.us/hypno.html What is a 710? A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one...' She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
A Joke
Joke
Ingredients: 1 cup of water 1tsp of baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp of salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 4 eggs nuts 1 bottle of Vodka 2 cups of dried fruit Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl,check the vodka again. To be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in largefluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it is best to make sure vodka is still OK Try another cup ... just in case.Turn off the mixerer. break 2 leggs and add to the bowl an chuck in the cup of dried fruit. pick fruit off the floor. mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck inthe beatererspry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity. Next,sift two cups of salt.orsomething.Who gives a shit? Check the Vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of suger, or somefink.Whatever you can find. G
Jokes
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in... P... E... N... I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH
Jokes
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be really good friends." The man thinking their might be a bright side to this, replied, "I agree with you completely." The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely we must drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
Joke
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: - I do physical labor - I work at great depths - I plunge head first into everything I do - I do not get weekends off or public holidays - I work in a damp environment - I don't get paid overtime - I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation - I work in high temperatures - My work exposes me to contagious diseases Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: - You do not work 8 hours straight - You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods - You do not always follow the orders of the management team - You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas - You do not take initiative - You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working - You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift - You don't alway
Joke....
Some popel were talking chit about you, saying how much you love penis sandwhiches, but I stuck up for ya and told them you didnt like bread!
Joke
Fred's Dingaling! A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling,
Jokes
Joke
A boy gets on a bus, as he sits in his seat he notice man sitting next to him wearing his collar backwards. So The boys ask the man, Y do u have wear ur Collar to ur shirt backwards?. The man replays, Im a Father. The Boy says well my dad is a father an dont wear his collar backwards.The Man replys Im Father of many. The boys says My dad is father of many I have 3 brothers an 2 sisters an he dont wear his collar backwards. The many replys well Im Father of Thousands. The boy leans over an says, Maybe u should wear ur pants backwards!
Jokes
Why Women Take so long in public toilets When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied. But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door wont lock. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume 'the position'. In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'the position'. To take your mind off
Jokes
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your th
Jokes
Never Choke in a restaurant in the South Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' If you don't send this to five friends,
Joke Of The Day!!!!
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!" How do you identify a city worker's kids on the playground?.............................. They're the ones standing around watching the other kids play. Kind of cheesy yes i know!!! But it's still a joke!!!! A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is yo
~jokes~
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks". To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog." DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT !!!!! > DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT > > > > > > Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had
Jokes
Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" "No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling". One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. He said, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed
Jokes
Married Life Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes .. After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.' The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a shiny raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.' The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer
Jokes
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I'm too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.” The old gentleman paused. Then said,“Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.
Jokes
We are in trouble... The population of this country is 300 million. 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 15 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes. Nice, Real nice. There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfr
Jokes
Jokes
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to
Joke Time
a man shouts down to hes wife and says come and ave a look at my clock wife goes upstairs and sees her husband standing there naked wife says that aint no clock husband say no but it will be when you get your face and two hands on it ha ha ha x kel x
Jokes
Jokes
Drinks that Show Personality…Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU! Drink: Beer Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends..
Jokes
Glitter Graphics @ SweetComments.net ENTER Riddles? or Jokes! Random Riddle There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it? The Answer Please Place the apple on one person's head. Random Joke A LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIA MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER Dear Louanne Ellie Mae, I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though;
Jokes
Watching The Brothel Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." A bit later, they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying'."
Jokes
AFTER SEX TALK ACCORDING TO YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!" Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the food." Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?" Cancer: "When are we are getting married?" Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?" Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets." Libra: "I liked it if you liked it." Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you." Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you." Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?" Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!" Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?" Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, " After thinking for a moment, the wom
Jokes, Jokes And More Jokes
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..." A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you u
Jokes
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be f
Jokes
A Joke, No Offense
(Girls -- Have a sense of humor! Not meant to offend) One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her
Jokes
A lawyer from New York runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Mississippi sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Mississippi! He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. The deputy says, ' License and registration, please.' 'What for?' says the lawyer. The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' 'You still didn't come to a complete stop, ' says the deputy. ' The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' 'The difference is you have to come to complete stop . That's the law The lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between stop and slow down , I'll give you my license and registration'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his
Jokes
Hillary and Obama were on a boat. The boat sank in a big storm. There was no lifeboat... Who was saved? AMERICA!!! An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. "Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The bli
Jokes And Funnies
Yo Mama so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said "what color?" Yo Mama so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go. Yo Mama so stupid, she gave birth to you. Yo Mama so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit. Yo Mama so stupid, when the pc said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the Any key. Yo Mama so stupid, she spent twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said `concentrate. Yo Mama so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned. Yo Mama so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eat for food." Yo Mama so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home. Yo Mama so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer. Yo Mama so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death. Yo Mama so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network. Yo Mama so stupid, she saw a billboard
Jokes
A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH   JAN 10 5:00 PM. It's starting to snow. The first snow of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!   Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.   Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwar
Jokes
Nokia has finally designed a cell phone for nervous white people who need to make a cell phone call while in Jacksonville, East Saint Louis, New Orleans, Memphis, South Chicago, South Dallas, Houston, L.A., Miami  Detroit, Washington, D.C., parts of New York City, Buffalo, Oakland, and parts of Atlanta   A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end
Joke
Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from years past shopping at the local Piggly Wiggly and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
Joke
Old Harold I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that ... In case I need to fix it again?' Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like Harold
Jokes
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: What's a mixed feeling? A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q: What's the height of conceit? A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: What's the definition of macho? A: Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it! Q: What is a Yankee? A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A: They both like a tight seal. Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration. Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A: About three inches. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A: The grip. Q: How do you find a blind
Jokes
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?" The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States " St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?" And Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."
Jokes
Jokes
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Semi
Joke 3
Q.What do you call a Chicken with E.D. ----- A. Boneless Chicken
Jokes
In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below. About 3:00 AM one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon (Oklahoma Highway Patrol) responded to a call about a car that was off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck, Oklahoma (western part of the state). He located the car which was badly stuck in deep snow with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'Drive' and hit the gas pedal. The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40 and then 50 mph, but it as still stuck in the snow, wheels
Jokes
An engineer dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and says, "What! An Engineer! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!" So, he goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. But he soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, even air conditioning, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away! Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue your shiny red pants off!" "Oh, yeah?" the
Joke # 1
Jokes
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender. ' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth. !!!! 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up
Jokes 2
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin. A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t
Jokes
no this isn't a joke. I got downrated by some profile who's sole purpose was to rate everyone a 1. I'm not caring about points and hell, I think it'd be funny to be the lowest ranking member on fubar. Cause I sure ain't making it to the top with my tits. have fun, Brassman Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
Jokes And Humor
You might be a redneck if... More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. Your home has more miles on it than your car. ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> You might be a redneck if... Your Christmas tree is still up in February. You've ever been arrested for loitering. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Jokes For Here
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you? "Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?" A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids". An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard
Jokes
A guy and girl were fucking and when they were finished, she started stroking his cock. He said " Oh, do you want some more? " She replied No, I'm just admiring it, I used to have one." My friend John sent it to my phone I thought it was funny
Jokes
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Robert, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Robert said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Brian, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 2
Joke
Jokes
A Steeler fan had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he said, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it?" Somberly, the man says, "Well...the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967. " "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral. " A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pha
Jokes
Today, I found out who'd been smoking MY weed in MY room. It wasn't my little brother. It was my parents. FML lmfao see even ur parents want some An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office:"Doctor,I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing." Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling an
Jokes
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must have been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went Ffff 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him! The teacher wet her pants laughing... Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your hea
Jokes On You Jack !
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers Candy. the teacher had given them. They Would Look at and taste them The children began to say: " Red............cherry," "Yellow.........lemon "Green..........lime," " Orange ........orange," Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," she said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're azz holes A husband and wife were trying to save money to buy a new vacation home. One day the wife comes home from work to find the husband cooking dinner and he says "I learned to cook so we could fire the maid" She said "great honey, now learn to eat pussy so we could fire the gardener" A little old lady, well into her eight
Jokes
Joke
A koala was sitting in a gum tree..... smoking a joint When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing
Joke
Jokes & Funny Stuff
A husband always insisted on making love with the light off. After 20 years, the wife turns the light on to find him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic."You impotent bastard!" she screams. "How could you lie to me all these years?"The husband looks at her and calmly says "I'll explain the vibrator. You explain the kids!" I could not stop laughing. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Li
Jokes I Found To Be Funny
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Joke
one day a fly was flying over a lake, a trout was watching the fly thinking to himself "if that fly drops four inches, i can get him." Behind the trout was a bear, watching the trout, watch the fly, thinking to him self "if that fly drops 4 inches the trout will get the fly and ill get the trout." behind the bear was a hunter watching the bear, watch the trout, watch the fly thining to himself " if that fly drops four inches the trout will get the fly, the bear will get the trout, and ill get the bear." behind the hunter was a mouse watching the hunters cheese sandwich, watching the hunter watch the bear, watch the trout, watch the fly, thinking to himself " if the fly drops four inches if that fly drops four inches the trout will get the fly, the bear will get the trout, the hunter will get the bear and i will get the hunters cheese sandwich." behind the mouse was a cat, watching the mouse watch the hunters cheese sanwich, watch the hunter watch the bear, watch the trout watch the fly
Jokes Of The Day
Three blondes are training to be police officers. The man who is training them takes out a picture and asks the first blonde, "What do you notice about the man in this picture?" The blonde says, "He only has one eye!". The man says "No, no, it's a side view." Then he says to the second blonde, "What do you notice about this man?" . The 2nd blonde says, "He only has one ear!". The man says "Hello, it's a side view! Geez!". So the man goes over to the last blonde and says, "What do you notice about this man?" . The final blonde says, "He wears contacts!" The man goes to the FBI computer and looks the man in the picture up - sure enough - he wears contacts! The man says, "How did you know that?" . The blonde says "Well, if he only has one eye and one ear, how can he wear glasses?" A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the loca
Jokes For The Day.....good Ones!! Lol
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
Joke Me And My Homie Made
Sittin at home getting high with my homie and he told me something that happened to him as a kid and we came up with this What u get as a parent taken ur kid school shopping.... New shoes $100.00 New clothing $200.00 UR son farting loudly in the store and blaming u Priceless I thought it was funny but then again i was stoned lol
The Joke For The Day!
Jokes
Subject: HAPPY HALLOWEEN! A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do a about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says
Jokes
A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor he is with why that man was doing such a thing out in the open. The doctor answers, Oh, he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode. Oh, I see, says the intern. They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse. Again, he asks the doctor, What is up with THAT? The doctor says, Same condition, better medical plan. a. the first guy b. the second guy A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the follow
Joke Of The Day....
A naked man was walking along the beach and saw this beautiful naked woman. She gave him a stare and winked at him. He just looked and she did it again the xcited man walked over to her and told her, "You are winking at me, right?" the naked volumptous woman said,"yes! that is the signal on having sex as well." So, the excited man got a hard on and he had his way with her and made sure it lasted for a while. So, after they were done, he went to the steam room to relax and enjoyed what had happend. Until he had this urge of a fart that he let out. Next thing you know he got a tap on the shoulder and when he looked to see who tapped him, it was a huge black guy with this monster cock on his hand that he had tapped him with. the man said,"Eeexcuussee mmee." the black man said, "that's how we communicate on having sex." Next thing you know the huge black man heard him fart again and so he had his way with him and boy did he have his way with him.. Moments later the naked man walked into th
Jokes
THIS TOUGH OL MAN HAS A TOOTH THAT IS DRIVING HI CRAZY SO HE DECIDES 2 GO TO A DENTIST. SO HES SITTIN IN THE CHAIR &THIS YOUNG DENTIST WALKS IN LOOKS AT HIS X-RAYS & SAYS OK SIR I TELL YA WHAT IM GONNA SEND MY NURSE COME IN 2 GIVE U A SHOT 4 PAIN & ILL BE BACK IN A FEW 2 PULL YOUR TOOTH. THE TOUGH OL MAN JUST SIGHS & SHAKES HIS HEAD & TELLS THE YOUNG DENTIST THAT HES DONE EXPERIANCED THE 2 MOST PAINFUL THINGS IN THIS WORLD & TIS WASNT 1 OF EM SO JUST PULL THE TOOTH. AFTER ARGUEING WITH THE MAN 4 A BIT THE DENTIST GIVES IN. SO THE YOUNG DENTIST IS JUST ABOUT STANDING IN THE CHAIR TWISTING YANKING & CUSSING & FINALLY SNATCHES THE TOOTH OUT THE OL MANS HEAD. THE TOUGH OL MAN DIDNT EVEN FLINTCH THE WHOLE TIME HE JUS GOT OUT THE CHAIR WALKED OVER 2 THE SINK & SPIT OUT SOME BLOOD. NOW THE YOUNG DENTIST IS JUST AMAZED HE LOOKS AT THE OL MAN &SAYS SIR I NO THAT MUST HAVE HURT LIKE HELL I GOTTA ASK WHAT DID YOU GO THROUGH THAT WAS SO PAINFULL. THE TOUGH OL MAN REPLIES I WAS HUNTIN 4 BEAR 1 DAY
Jokes
"Well." says the driver, "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel. 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendent, thata be something." "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. Thata be $30.17" says the attendent. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10 bill. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees. "What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendent. "Thats what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow" says the attendent, "Dem Cadillac people think of everything." After the meal has been going on for hours, and your family is grilling you about how your life is going these
Jokes
Instructions...... Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird or random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose at least 5 people to be tagged, listing their names Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "You're it!" on their profile and ask them to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. 1. I lost my kidneys and had a transplant and would do it again if i was taken back to 2004 2. I hate shoes and would rather wear my slippers every where 3. I hate to have a ford pass me 4. I love photography and consider myself an amateur, but still tring to learn 5. I clean house about everyday, but i hate doing it 6. I love doing my dishes 7. i love helping my x-wife (in court when im on the other side of her lol) 8. i like asking people who are walking (only if i know them) and ask thim if there are tired of walking, then tell them to run awhile 9. I hate cats even though i have one now, and
Jokes For You To Read
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall..' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenet
A Joke
Joke
A little something for you to get your mind off your troubles for a minute! ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'Wil
Joke Dildos
After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband always used a dildo on her. She said, "explain the dildo fool?" He said, "explain the kids bitch!"
Jokes
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!" A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, t
Joke
Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife *********************************************************** ******************************** Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your l
Joke Of The Day!
Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. ' Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents ' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents !!!! '
Jokes
Senior Sex After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.' After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you'd like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?' 'Oh that crazy old fart, she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December. GOTTA PEE Two women friends had gone for a girl
Jokes
The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hu
Jokes
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
Jokes Of The Day
WHAT DID THE LITTLE RED ROOSTER SAY TO THE LITTLE RED HEN? RUFFLE UP YOUR FEATHERS SPREAD OUT YOUR TAIL I'M GONNA HAVE A LITTLE IF I HAVE TO GO TO JAIL. WHAT DID THE MONKEY SAY TO THE BABOON? DAMN YOUR SOUL KEEP YOUR FINGER OUT OF MY ASS HOLE HOPE THIS HAS BRIGHTEND SOME ONES DAY CAUSE IT SURE DID MINE LOL :) SEA
Jokes
Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse. No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter. There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter. There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney. I'll be alone, my computer and me. I won't race to the window, to see him arrive. I'll just sit right here..... with windows ninety-five. There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around. None of my regular buddies are found. I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out. Age, sex, location is all that's about. As, I was about to go check out the net. I got an E-mail, that I didn't expect. A lady told me, she had read my profile. And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while. She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave. But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas eve. She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on. But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun. She said, the compu
Jokes
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Jokes
How to wash a toilet This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you. 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.. 9.. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Since
Jokes
An insane fireman walks into the E R unit of a hospital naked with a glass cup on his dick.."oh my god sir"says the woman on reception"what are you doing ???is their some sort of emergency??" to which the man replies "no emergency at the moment..but in the case of an emergency..break the glass and ill come as fast as i can"
Jokes
Marriage Vows Joe and Myrtle were married for over 50 years when Joe died. A few months later, Myrtle died, too. In heaven, Myrtle looked around for Joe, and found him behind a cloud, making love to another woman! "Joe! Darling!" she cried. "What are you doing?" "Hang on, Myrtle," replied Joe. "Don't 'darling' me. The deal was clear: till death do us part!"
Jokes/misc.
SEXY & HOT COMMENTSCLICK HERE! A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." SEXY & HOT COMMENTSCLICK HERE! Women's Love Poem; Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainful
Jokes
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Joker On Myspace
myspace.com/krazymakavelij my joker page krazyjason25@yahoo.com krazyjason23@yahoo.com krazyjbird@yahoo.com
Joke Postings And Habitz Happenings
Jokes
if we were under mistletoe would you kiss me or walk away? Answer then forward to everyone to see who would kiss you!
Jokes
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum , how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only! He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you'
Jokes
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mix er. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of. MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. APARTMENT FOR RENT A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. After doing the dirty deed, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his sec
A Joke....
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves. ' OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. 'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long. ' The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did wa
Joker32's Blog
Jokes
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- - -------- --------- I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told t
Jokes
How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!" The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you
Jokes 2
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write." One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?" "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys." She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replie
Joker 24
Joke
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend.' Second guy: 'That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.' Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.' They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?' Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Fishing or sex?' and she said, 'Wear sun-block.' Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?" The firs
Jokes
Once upon a time there was this older couple. They had been married for 55 yrs and were into their early 80's. They lived on a small farm where the older man worked for their food. So one day he comes in from a long day of work exhausted and dirty wanting a shower and something to eat. As he walks into the bedroom his wife is laying in bed naked. He says to her "Ma, why are you naked?" Ma says "Well Pa I am horny and want some." Pa says "Ma, you know I cant get it up no more" and heads into the bathroom. 20 mins later Pa comes outta the bathroom to find his wife standing on her head in the corner. Pa says " Ma, whatcha doing now?" Ma says "Pa, if you cant get it up, then drop it in!" Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentiality' and 'Reality'?" Dad: "I will show you" Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"? Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity" ! Then Dad asks his daughter, if
Jokes
WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Salvatore grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Salvatore is dead. What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence... and then a shot is heard. Luigi's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?" A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!" Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Braz
Jokes
Poor guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too
Joke Time!!
Accordin to recent studies, blow jobs are the healthiest breakfast because it comes with a sausage, two nuts and a protein shot!....Stay healthy, suck dick!! lol ***************** FEMALE VERSION OF LORDS PRAYER...my vibrator, which brings me heaven! Rabbit be thy name! til kingdom come, thy maketh cum! on earth! or is it heaven! give me this day my daily thrill and forgive me my screams, as i forgive those who sold me dub batteries! Lead me straight into temptation, but deliver from frustration! for thine is the vibration! the power and rotation. forever and ever NO MEN! ***************** Theres been a big bust up in the biscuit tin! A Bandit called Rocky who was Crackers hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon wheel with a Blue Riband, kidnapped a Trophy and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. The police say Rocky was seen just Aftereight by a Viscount from Maryland Hobnobbin a Gingernut. Unfortunately they have not got a crumb
Jokes
1. When a tech support person says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords. 2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 3. When a tech support person sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups. 4. When a tech support person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers. 5. When a tech support person is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email
Jokes
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me
Jokes
The Five Minute Management Course ~ > *Lesson 1:* > > *A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is > finishing up her > shower, when the doorbell rings.* > > *The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs > downstairs.* > > *When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door > neighbor.* > > *Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you > $800 to drop that towel.'* > > *After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and > stands naked in > front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and > leaves.* > > *The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back > upstairs.* > > *When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who > was that?'* > > *'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.* > > *'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say > anything about the $800 he owes me?' > * > > *Moral of the story:* > > *If you share critical information pertaining to credit and > risk with your > share
Jokes
NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon has announced he has taken advantage of a new "Stimulus Package" program to employ inner-city youth by firing his professional pit crew, and replacing them with ex-gangbangers. The decision to hire the boys was inspired by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from street gangs were able to remove a set of wheels from a car in less than 6 seconds -- even without proper equipment. Gordon's existing pit crew could only do it in 8 seconds, even with the benefit of hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of high tech machinery. The scheme was hailed as an "excellent and bold move" by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and photos of Jeff Gord
Jokes, E.g. From Www.beliefnet.com Daily Joke
I said it all in the subject title. lol. ( C 2004 ) Josie Roberts Noah's ark was just 6 inches of water situation but nobody knew how to swim or float -- they weren't taking baths those naughty naughty folks. Slippery slopes and rise to the surface hadn't been lessons learned yet. The huge folks just got knocked out from the fall -- the bigger they are the harder they fall! THIS IS A RECENT EXAMPLE FROM WWW.BELIEFNET.COM DAILY JOKE SYSTEM. "Entrance Exam To Enter Into Heaven" A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?" The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven." "OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must giv
Jokes
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still Heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical Procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a Partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my Testicles black ?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don' t know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again , ' Nurse , are my testicles Black ?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry About his testi cles, she overc omes her embarrassment. And sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand andHis testicles in the other , lifting and moving them Around. Then, she takes a close look and says, ' There 's Nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and Says very slowly, ' Thank you very much. That was wonde rful, but listen Very, very closely. ..... ' A r e - m y - t
Jokes N Funnies
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the isle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, theplane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and sa
Jokes
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 55 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics cl
Jokes
Gabriel came to the Lord and said... "Lord, I have to talk to you. We have some Puerto Ricans up here who are causing problems. My horn is missing, they have sofrito and recao (these are Spanish cooking ingredients) all over the kitchen, they are making guayaberas (type of Caribbean dress shirt) from their robes, they have dominos tables in the cafeteria, and they're wearing baseball caps instead of their halos. They refuse to stop making Puerto Rican coffee on the heaven's stairs, they are setting up cock fights in the clouds, and some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, " Puerto Ricans are Puerto Ricans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone: "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil sa
Joke Of The Day!!
Man says to a woman "have you ever had magic sex?". Woman says "What's that?". Man says "we fuck then you disappear, tadah bitch!" Wife asks husband 'tell me something sweet'. Husband says 'ur pussy tastes better than all ur friends'. Oddly enough she wasnt happy....
Jokes
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'NO, they ain't TWINS. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. WHY would you think they're twins? Are you BLIND, or just STUPID?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Jokes
Body: On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'. In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?' the doctor says "This should be taken care of right away. " I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself. "Welllllll, what have we here..." Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue. "We'll see. " First I have to check my malpractice insurance. "Let me check your medical history. " I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
Jokes
ABOUT MARRAGE!    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.Those are my rules.Any comments?"His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me.Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)************************************************Marriage (Part II)Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!" "Yeah?" she replies."When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My
Joke
The Christmas Parrot One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed."How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and
The Joker
Joke For The Day
Joke
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.   After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.   The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.   Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.   He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"   She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" women's English " Yes" = No "No" "Maybe" = No "I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry "We need" = I want "It's your decision" =... = Yes
Jokes
Joke Time
A LONGSHOREMAN WENT TO THE DOCTORS SAYING: "DOC? I CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT?" THE DOCTOR REPLIED: "TAKE OFF THE HARDHAT DUMBY, IT'S ON BACKWARDS!"   OK, IT'S WORTH A CHUCKLE ANYWAYS.....LEAVE SOME COMENTS PLEASE....THANKS OK.....HERE WE GO AGAIN IF YOU HAVE A DIRTY DIAPER IN ONE HAND AND A LONGSHOREMAN SHAK'N THE OTHER, WHA-CHA GOT? TWO HANDS FULL OF CRAP THAT-CHA GOTTA GET RID OF............LAAAAAAAAAME I KNOW? I KNOW? I KNOW? MY JOKES ARE BAD BUT CHA GOTTA @ LEAST READ 'EM? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE? OK, SO THE LAST JOKE WAS KIND OF LAME SO I'M TRYING ANOTHER ONE TO REDEEM MYSELF? WHAT DOES A LONGSHOREMAN AND A TOILET BOWL HAVE IN COMMON? A LONGESHOREMAN TALKS WHAT A TOILET FLUSH'S.......... AND AHHHHHHHHHHHH, YEAH, I'MJ A LONGESHOPREMAN SO YA'LL CAN'T SAY THAT I'M PICK'N ON 'EM......HE HE HE HE HE
Jokes
An 85-year old man was requested by hisdoctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar andsaid, "Take this jar home,  and bring back a semensample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year old manreappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and theman explained, "Well, doc, it's like this – firstI tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried withmy left hand, but still nothing.. Then I asked my wife for help.  Shetried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with herteeth out, still no thing. "We even called up Arleen, thelady next door, and she tried, too, first with both hands,then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it betweenher knees, but still nothing.." The doctor was shocked! "You askedyour neighbor?"   the old man replied, "Yep noneof us could get the jar open." A Woman'
Joke
Jokes
everybody put in the funniest jokes in here
Jokes
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some badnews. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and wecelebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren'twell. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. Therewere some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,'I've been diagnosed with AIDS...'The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat..After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you
Jokes
You walk up to your buddy and ask them "How do you keep an idiot in suspense ? "  Then  when they ask how you say I'll tell you tommorrow and walk away.
Jokes!!
This was told to me one summer, haha, too funny, and goes like this.... The preacher's wife walks into the deli, starts looking around and sees a ham,  then asks the cashier about it. "Sir how much for this ham"? The cashier says "oh thats the dam ham" and she says "oh sir, you should not talk like that, i am the preacher's wife", he says "I know, but thats what it is called" so she says "okay" then buys it, then takes it home. Later she is in the kitchen, the preacher walks in and says, "honey, that ham smells great!" she says "oh thats the dam ham" he says " oh honey, you should not talk that way, your the preacher's wife" then she says, " i know, but thats what it is called" then he says, "well, okay". That evening, the family is sitting around the table, the preacher says " honey, can you please pass the dam ham"? the son yells " thats the spirit pop, pass the f**kin' tators!!!!"
Jokes
A group of 40-year-old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner.     Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there had low cut blouses and were very young.   10 years later at 50-years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.   10 years later at 60-years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet
Joke
Joke Of The Day
Joke Of The Day !!!. A Man Walks Into A Drug Store And Asks For A Condom With A Pesticide. The Man Behind The Counter Asked, Don't U Mean A Sperma
Jokeiqmeteringtechniques
Jokes
New Sex Study... It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead...
Joke Of The Day
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.” A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back
Joke Of The Day
This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" as he looked him up and down seductively. "Sure," he says and they are off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into." A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!" A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little
Joke Of The Day
*Roses r red, lemons r sour, open ur legs & give me an hour.  *Kissing is a habit, fucking is a game- guys get all the pleasure & girls get all the pain. 10 mins of pleasure, 9 months of pain, 3 days in the hospital- a baby with no name. The baby is a bastard, the mother is a whore, this never wouldve happened if the rubber hadnt tore! *Sex is like math: u subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs & pray 2 god u dont multiply. *Roses r red, grass is green, open ur legs & ill fill u with cream. *Sex is evil, sex is a sin, sins r forgiven so stick it in. *Roses r nice, violets r fine, ill be the 6 if u b the 9. *Eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me, fuck me, suck me very slowly, if u like it dont be sassy, use ur tounge & make it NASTY!! There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis3 sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber says "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and sa
Jokes
This one is a little different....Two Different Versions!  .................. Two Different  Morals!OLD  VERSION: The  ant works hard in the withering heat all summerlong, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.The  grasshopper  thinks the ant  is a fool and laughs and dancesand plays the summer away.Come  winter, the ant  is warm and well fed.The grasshopper  has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.MORAL  OF THE STORY: Be  responsible for yourselfMODERN  VERSION:The ant  works hard in the withering heat all summer  long, buildinghis house and laying up supplies for the winter.The  grasshopper  thinks the ant  is a fool and laughs and dancesand plays the summer away.Come  winter, the shivering grasshopper  calls a press conferenceand demands to know why the ant  should be allowed to be warm and well fedwhile others are cold and  starving.CBS, NBC ,  PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of  theshivering grasshopper  next to a video of the ant  in h
Joke Of The Day...
Jokes
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, anda half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. Heopened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 
Jokes
Studies show that 83% of women masturbate in the shower... which is awesome.  I can't masturbate in the shower though... my knees give out and I end up pulling down the shower curtain.  Then my mom gets mad and I have to go to bed without dinner. I was walking to Wal-Mart and ran into a homeless person with a sign that read "Please help, WWJD?"  And it really made me think, what would Jesus do?  So I went home and did absolutely nothing till I was 30. I've never really understood why people make fun of adopted kids.  At least they know that they were wanted.  There are some many kids who are accidents out there, like the only reason they were born was because of alcohol, broken condoms, prom night, or possibly Barry White.  You never wake up in the morning after a long night of drinking and look at the person lying next to you in bed and say, "Oh man.... what did we do last night?"  "I don't know.... but I think we own a three year old now."
Jokes
BEER VS. VAGINA1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.One point to BEER2.Warm beer tastes awful.One point to VAGINA3.A really cold beer is satisfying.One point to BEER4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hairbetween your teeth, you may vomit.One point to VAGINA5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.One point to VAGINA7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation maysuffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.One point to VAGINA8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you
Jokes
How Men ThinkA woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.One of them was washing her private area and noticed thatthere was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.They tried it again and sure enough, there was a small, recognisable movement.They went to her husband and explained what happened, tellinghim,"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral s * x will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they wouldClose the curtains for privacy.The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, noheart rate.The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked". A poor but desperate man goes to a brothel and asks for the cheapest prostitute. The woman say she has one girl who really is shy, likes the lights off and wont murmur a wor
Jokes & Thoughts (nsfw)
YOU ENTER THE HOUSE... THERE'S A SWEET FRESHLY BAKED SMELL OF BROWNIES IN THE AIR... A TRAIL OF RED AND WHITE ROSE PETALS IN THE FLOOR THAT LEAD INTO THE MASTER BATHROOM... THEN THEY CONTINUE TO THE BEDROOM WHERE YOU FIND SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING LOW IN BACKGROUND WHILE SOFT CANDLE LIGHTS FLICKER ACROSS THE ROOM... SUDDENLY YOUR VISION HAS ESCAPED YOU... WHILE SOFT WHISPERS DANCE ACROSS YOUR EAR HEARING THE VOICE OF YOUR LOVED YOU YOU FEEL SAFE...... YOUR CAREFULLY LEAD TO THE BED WHERE YOU GUIDED TO SIT DOWN... FEAR OF WHAT'S ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE RUSHES THROUGH YOUR VEINS,, ANTICIPATION STARTS TO FILL YOU.... THEN YOU FEEL YOUR LOVERS HAND CARESS YOUR BODY... LEANING YOU DOWN ON THE PILLOW YOU START TO FEEL ABOUT AROUSED AT THIS SUDDEN SEDUCTIVE PLAY... YOU FEEL THE WARMTH OF A FRESHLY BAKED BROWNIE TOUCH YOUR LIP AS YOU CAREFULLY TAKE A BITE CAREFULLY MAKING SURE TO CHEW EVERY PIECE... THEN YOUR LIPS FEEL WARM AGAIN AS YOUR LOVER KISSES YOU WITH SUCH A NEW PASSION THAT YOUR LEFT IN
Jokes
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder .This is how it has affected me:I decide to water my garden.As I turn on the hose in the driveway,I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table thatI brought up from the mail box earlier.I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.I lay my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,and notice that the can is full.So, I decide to put the bills backon the table and take out the garbage first.But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailboxwhen I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first.I take my check book off the table,and see that there is only one check left.My extra checks are in my desk in the study,so I go inside the house to my desk whereI find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.I'm going to look for my checks,but first I need to push the Pepsi asideso that I don
Joke
Joke
 GHOST SEX A professor at the Oklahoma University was giving a lecture on the  supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do  any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise  their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has  anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their  hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost? Three students raise their  hands. 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have  any of you ever made love to a ghost? Way in the back, Bubba raises  his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says
A Joke
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him ho...w wrong he is..!!
Jokes
  Two aliens landed in the  Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.  The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'     The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there  was no response.     Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew   his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in  peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will  fire!'     The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want  to  do that!  I really don't think you should make him mad.'    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.  He aimed his weapon at the pump and  opened fire.  There was a huge explosion. A massive fireba
A Joke!
Why does the NAVY have Marines on board ship? Because sheep would have been 2 obviouse! What does a man @ carpet have n common ?If u lay'em right the first time u can walk all over them a life time!HE HE HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!LMAO
Joke
Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England.He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?""Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent? "The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please sendTony Blair in here, would you?"Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brotherand it is not your sister. Who is it?"Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me.""Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question."Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your
Jokes
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?""It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land are
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Jokes
one night, a guy decides to bring his girlfriend homefor a little fun They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his littlebrother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climbup to the top bunk.As you might expect things start to heat up.The guy remembers that his little brother issleeping below so he tells hisgirlfriend to whisper lettuce if she wants itharder and tomato if shewants a new position.Lettuce!!!Tomato!!!Lettuce!!!Tomato!!!Lettuce!!!Tomato!!!She screamsLettuce!!!Tomato!!!Whoa!!!PULL IT OUT!!!PULL IT OUT NOW!!!I can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts, Hey,would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaiseall over my face!!!!!
Jokes
10 Warning Signs That Your Net Girlfriend is a Freak   1. She sends you virtual flowers every hour on the hour...and then sends you an email every 5 minutes to ask if you got them. 2. You're 10 minutes late for a scheduled online meeting...and she sends you 5 emails demanding to know where you are and who you are with. 3. She tells you about all of her past Net girlfriends...and tells you how you'll be different from them. 4. She asks about your ex-Net girlfriends...and tells you what you will have to do differently this time. 5. You're telling her about the woman who broke your heart...and she asks "Do you think she's still single? Do you still have her phone number?" 6. She starts calling you at home just to tell you that she's online...but she refuses to tell you how she got your phone number. 7. She starts planning your online wedding the day after you meet. 8. She asks for your mother's email address...so she can ask her for your virtual hand in cyber union. 9. She email
Jokes
  An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.The Amish man shouts: “Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!”(Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!”)The man shouts back: “I’m a Muslim, I don’t understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!”The Amish man shouts back in English:  “Use two hands, you’ll get more!”
Jokes
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! A husband read an article to his wife abou
Jokes
After God Made Adam And Eve He Sat Them Down For A Talk, Ok God Said I Have Only One Rule So Pay Attention, We Are Listening Adam And Eve Said Together, Good God Said My One Rule Is Dont Eat The Apple, Ok They Said, God Said Now Do You Have Any Questions, Eve Kept Silent But Adam Said I Do, Ok What Is It God Asked, Adam Said Can I Put My Weiner In Her Butt ,God Said Ok I Changed My Mind There Are 2 Rules Dont Eat The Apple And Adam Dont Stick Your Weiner In Her Butt, Then Adam Said What If I Stick The Apple In There, God Said As Long As You Dont Eat It Thats Fine
Jokes
1. OF COURSE I'LL SWALLOW IT ALL; I LOVE THE TASTE!!!!!!!!!   2. ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK??   3. I'M BORED LET'S SHAVE MY PUSSY!!!!!!!!!!!   4.  OH, COME ON LET'S GET A PORNO, A CASE OF BEER, & INVITE THE             NEIGHBOR LADY OVER FOR A 3SOME!!!!!!!!!   5. IF I DON'T GET TO BLOW YOU SOON, I SWEAR I'M GONNA SCREAM....   6. I KNOW IT'S A LOT TIGHTER BACK THERE, BUTT WOULD YOU PLEASE TRY      AGAIN???????   7. YOU'RE SO SEXY WHEN YOUR HUNGOVER..   8.  NO, I'D RATHER STAY HERE, WATCH FOOTBALL, DRINK BEER, & SUCK           YOUR DICK, THEN GO SHOPPING   9.  I SIGNED UP FOR YOGA CLASSES SO I CAN GET MY ANKLES BEHIND MY         HEAD FOR YOU, HONEY....   10. YOU LOOK TIRED; YOU SHOULD GO RIGHT 2 BED AS SOON AS YOU FUCK          ME IN THE ASS!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Jokes
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD is SHIT. That's right,shit! You can smoke shit, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, tell people to eat shit, forget shit, some people know their shit and some have shit for brains, there's crazy shit, there's bullshit, horse shit, chicken shit, deep shit, the wrong shit, the right shit & not enough shit, weird shit, scary shit, up shit creek with out a paddle & sometimes everything you touch turns to shit. You could pass this on if you give a shit or not if you don't give a shit. Hope you have a shit free week. But remember shit happens ! What do you call a dead blonde under the porch?   Last years hide and seek winner Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all aren't gonna believe this shit..."
Jokes
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.
Jokes
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her. No matter if we gain weight or our outer looks change a little it is your attitude toward people and you still are the same person just a lil different....they should love you no matter what ...if they really ever loved you at all. An old married couple had no sooner got into bed when the old man passes gas. "Seven points" he says. The wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was THAT??" The old man replied, "fart football!"  A few minutes
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A Joke
A Chinese guy calls in to work "Me no work, me sick",,his boss tells him "when I'm sick I fuck my wife,,try that.",,,a couple hours later the Chinese guy calls his boss again,,"me feel better, you got nice house." A Penis, A Cucumber, and A Pickle where all sitting around talking about how thier lives suck. The Cucumber says "Ya'll think you have it rough, every time I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and put me in a salad.",,,The Pickle says "you think you have it rough, every time I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in a jar and pour spices and vinegar on me.",,,The Penis says "ya'll think you have it bad, every time I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a platic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall til I throw up on myself and pass out!"
Jokes
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. 'Honey,' she signs, 'Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.' The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, 'Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.' 'If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis..........fifty times'
Jokes
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the womans nightstand. He nervously asks, Is this your husband? No, silly, she replies, Your boyfriend, then? he continues. No, not at all, she says, Is it your your brother? he inquires, hoping to be reassured. No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous! she answers. Well, who is he, then? he demands. She whispers in his ear. That's me before the surgery. She married and had 13 children.Then her husband died.She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.She married third time and had 5 more children. After a long life, she died after having 25 children.Standing before her coffin, the priest prayed for her."He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."’One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ‘Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband???’The friend replied, ''I think he means her legs." Wh
Joke Of The Day
A Black man and his wife are going to a Halloween party in a couple of days, so the husband asks his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night, he goes into the bedroom and finds, laid out on the bed, a Superman costume. The husband calls to his wife, "What are you doing, honey?" he says. "Have you ever heard of a Black Superman? Can you take this back and get me something else to wear?" The next day, the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work and goes into the bedroom. There, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He yells to his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a Black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!" The next morning, his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, he fins there, laid out on the bed, three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt,
Jokes I Like.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives 'duties". The first man had married a Woman from Montana and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Oregon. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a girl from Kentucky. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a litt
Jokes
i am a tease and a joker   some things i say are ment as jokes or to tease if you cn't figure out which is meant as nothing but a joke than maybe there is no room for you in my life i love to laugh  even if it is at my own expense if you can't laugh at yourself then you don't realize how many people are laughing at you behind your back   i am sorry if i offend anyone but i am honest and tell it like it is
Jokes Funny
"As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centurieshave a use by date?9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to ahorrible crisp no one would eat?10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?11. What do people in China call their good plates?12. If the professor on Gilligan'
Jokes
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except—-” and he stopped.“Except what?” the man asked.“Nothing, nothing.”“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but ther
Jokes, Jokes And More Jokes
Notes from an inexperienced Aussy curry taster named FRANK, who was visiting New Delhi, India from Australia. "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer tent when the call came.I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian blokes are crazy. Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of
Joke Of The Day
Jokes Call Of Duty
Last night I had your mom in LAST STAND. I used DEEP IMPACT to DOUBLE TAP that ass. Man, she sucked me like she got IRON LUNGS. So I took her two BOUNCING BETTY'S & pounded them with my JUGGERNAUT. We went all night with EXTREME CONDITIONiNG. Her SLEIGHT OF HAND made me SONIC BOOM all over her face with STEADY AIM. You didn't hear us because  we used DEAD SILENCE.    PASS THIS FUNNY SHIT ON
Jokes
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
Joke
i just found out the rules on fubar are not enforced equally. I didnt want to believe this was true but now i do. Has anyone else found this to be true?
Joke
Joke Of The Day
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll B
Jokes Version 1.0
A little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says, "how do you know?"She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa". Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularlydespondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the f
Jokes
Old Penis Poem My nookie days are overMy pilot light is outWhat used to be my sex appealIs now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accordFrom my trousers it would springBut now I've got a full-time jobTo find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassingThe way it would behaveFor every single morningIt would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approachesIt sure gives me the bluesTo see it hang its little headAnd watch me tie my shoes An Ode to Oral Sex Penis breath, a lover's dread Is what you get when you give head Unpleasant as it tends to be Be grateful that he doesn't pee It's times like this, you wonder why you bothered reaching for his fly But it's too late, can't be a tease Accept the facts, get on your knees You know you've got a job to do So open wide and shove it through Lick the tip then take it all Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl Slide up and down, use your tongue And feel the precum start to run Just, when you can't take anymore You hear y
Jokes
  You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.    In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.  Behind you is a  helicopter flying at ground level.  Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.   What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer:Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much!!!   A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus and she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) w
Jokes
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat."No!" yells the blonde.Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!" A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.' A man is told on Friday by his doctor that by 3am Monday morning, he will be dead. The man
Jokes #1
If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no caloriesbecause everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has nocalories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories (water has the same properties here).If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, rule #1 is yours also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free, as well.Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.Any calories consumed during the frosting of The Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.Cook
Jokes
------- Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed  that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a  lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing th
Jokes 2
                                       Blind Cashier at Cabela's A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She saysto him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on thecounter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB.test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this weekfor only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down
Jokes 3
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up." A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer" Jill and John got married. John thought this
Jokes
EDDIE WANTED DESPERATELY TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS REALLY CUTE, HOT GIRL IN THE OFFICE, BUT SHE WAS DATING SOMEONE ELSE. ONE DAY EDDIE GOT SO FUSTRATED THAT HE WENT TO HER AND SAID: "I'LL GIVE YOU $100.00 IF YOU LET ME HAVE SEX WITH YOU." THE GIRL LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID: "NO!" EDDIE SAID: "I'LL BE SO FAST, I'LL THROW THE MONEY ON THE FLOOR, YOU BEND DOWN AND I'LL FINISH BY THE TIME YOU'VE PICKED IT UP." SHE THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID THAT SHE WOULD CONSULT WITH HER BOYFRIEND. SHE CALLED HIM AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION. HER BOYFRIEND SAYS: "ASK HIM FOR $200.00, AND PICK UP THE MONEY REALLY FAST. HE WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO GET HIS PANTS DOWN." SHE AGREED AND ACCEPTS THE PROPOSAL. OVER HALF AN HOUR GOES BY AND THE BOYFRIEND IS STILL WAITING FOR HIS GIRLFRIENDS CALL. FINALLY, AFTER 45 MINUTES THE BOYFRIEND CALLS AND ASKS: "WHAT HAPPENED?" STILL BREATHING HARD, SHE MANAGED TO REPLY: "THEFUCKER HAD ALL QUARTERS!" My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text....:     "If you a
Jokers Wild
YES it's me the Origional Jokers Wild clear back in the lost cherry days, The one the only! A few years off and I am back, why not my old profile? I had it shut down and when they wouldnt I forced them. I came back to see many things have changed and some things havent, at least the drama hasnt.I'm gonna pretty well stay to myself but I am few a few of the little monsters will show thier heads. I Still run and own Snake Bite Radio but its mainly at teamfatboyz.com and snakebiteradio.com and geared for the outdoorsman/Woman but Im not saying I wouldnt DJ in FUBAR. If you are always deep in drama don't bother adding me as a friend, I will delete you and in some cases block you as soon as it starts. Take care and good fishin.... DJ Jokers Wild was here when Fubar was in it's infant stage, when the site was shakey at best when it was loaded with drag which the site is stable as long as I have been back. With that said we are bringing the Snake Bite Radio back full blast in a lounge f
Jokes 4
                                                                   ST. PATRICKS DAY JOKES                                                                           Social Welfare A Irishman walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. The Irishman , just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!' The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.                
Jokes
Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday.    As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them.    The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure."    About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living.    So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.    They all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."    So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached.    Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"    The hitman replies, "Sure."    So Jack looks and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!"    This really upsets Jack so he asks how much
Jokes 5
                                           MONDAY'S JOKES                                              Amish Man   Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?A. A mechanic!  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                              Snooping   Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!""It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!""Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"I didn't even know that she had a penis!  ********************
Jokes 6
                                          MONDAY'S JOKE                                            Windows 666 Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell." Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, t
Jokes
Jokes 7
MONDAY'S JOKE                                        Indians don't use saddles' A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a- a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h- a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.' 'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'********************************************************************                                      TU
Jokes 8
 TUESDAY'S JOKES   How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"  How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.  What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.  What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.                                       ********************************************************************                                     WEDNESDAY'S JOKES    Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.  What is the difference between men and women:.... A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.  How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.  Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.                            
Jokes 9
 MONDAY'S JOKE  What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? The Blonde! What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Why are blondes like cornflakes ? Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an F in sex.  ********************************************************************                                      TUESDAY'S JOKE A married couple are having a fight.Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things.On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." He turns and says, " Oh, so now you want me to stay?" ********************************************************************                                      WEDNESDAY'S JOKE                                        Obama's New Health Care Package The American
Jokes 9
Jokes 10
MONDAY'S JOKE                                      LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER  Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."'  ********************************************************************                                      TUESDAY'S JOKE                                      Sexual Maturity  Little Johnny was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the evidence was overwhelming. As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed his tiny penis for all to
Joke
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Jokes 11
MONDAY'S JOKE                                      Killing an Eel  Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curios. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains.  One night he watched his older sister and her boyfriend, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights.  Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.  He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of th
Jokes
How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change you
Jokes 12
MONDAY'S JOKE                                      The Cop & The Baseball FansThree baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the A's fan took off his cap and placed itover her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Yankees cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the A's cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The A's fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and lookin
Jolene
To ponder mysteries of love and to wonder why Is it a fools quest that remains lost until we do die For none can explain why we feel and about whom And when we have not one to love we do feel the gloom Love it is not about looks so much as the soul And without one to love we are often less than whole To search a lifetime for true love only to abandon hope To give up the dream unfound and reach the end of our rope And then to have love find us when finally we let it go Is proof beyond all that there is some thing we should know A divine spirit guides the way and for each has a plan To ponder mysteries of love is a foolish nature of a man By R. Thomas Dinsmore If you changed the way you feel Would you tell me so I can heal For the feeling for you is so strong And I need to know before too long I look for you and never see you anymore And I ache from within beyond being sore I miss you and I know I will till at last I know If you lost the feeling and want me to
Jolene
Joliebean's Special Rants
Jolly's Blog
killing yourself doesn't make you a coward, it just means you are stronger than everyone else.
Jolly Rap
Yo-yo yo I got you on a string I’m a rapper cause I can’t sing Selling all my CD’s got to get me More fancy bling See you moving on the floor Come on and shake that sexy thing I got no hidden message to teach you right from wrong Just want you moving on da floor when you hear this rappin song Babe got me going crazy when she wears that sexy thong Come on and slide over here, next to me is where you belong See her bump and grind, give you such a thrill She be movin closer yes sure does know the drill don’t need no satin sheets don’t want no fancy frill will love you long time baby if you keep her in your will Jolly Roger
Jolqd169tchuae
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Jon
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii125/giftzwerg666/music/thL87.jpg
Jonathon "the Impaler" Sharkey's Blog
Greetings My Friends, The Holidays are about over, and it is 2007. Next year is the best chance Americans who want to live their lives in accordance to the Constitution, the way our Founding Fathers wanted us to live. The right of freedom of religion, speech, press and the ability to pursue our dreams, is something we haven't had in decades. Unlike the present President, I will support and protect all Americans. I ask you to take a minute out, and click on this link; http://thenextprez.blogspot.com/ and stroll to the lower middle of the page, and under Independent Candidates (L-Z) vote for me. This poll will show the establishment, that you are tired of their BS! I thank you for your votes on the other poll. I have 60% of the vote. Nel Sangue, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey American Blood is thicker than… Greetings My Fellow Americans, You have all heard the saying; “blood is thicker than water.” Well, I feel American Blood is thicker and better tha
Jonathan
Not sure what is up with me. I know some of it is I have strong feelings forming for a friend(even though not met in person even)....and not sure what to do about it. I know she has feelings for me....but....(not going into the reason about the but. She knows who she is and what the but is). I lost it in ways yesterday and almost lost the friendship....and even still have been kinda moody. I think another reason is I been getting too much pop in my system and it tends to mess with my emotions. Not all sure why. Then there is just my frustrations in needing work....needing a car.....and personal things. I want to tell you all sorry if I ever get too moody on ya or emotional. I am human. "Passion’s Ocean" I feel the fire of passion in your eyes. As we lay next to each other, the tides rise. Waves of ecstasy rolling down your face. I slowly run my hands to your side as we embrace. I am lost in your eyes and feel no motion. Yet as we are together in spirit, it’s like
Jonathan Mansfield / Hanging On (remix 2008)
Jonathansimmonsxee
Join the World's Largest SEX and SWINGER Personals Community. Join for FREE. How did Christian dating get so weird? Where did all this pressure come from, ... more personal levels, rather than in lists of rules about dates. ... Christian dating advice for christian singles, what does the bible say about christian courting! How to Follow the Dating Rules For a Christian Teenager Provided by eHow.com. Related Content. Christian Dating Etiquette. Christian dating etiquette ... There are no hard, fast rules when it comes to what you should do to get back into the swing of dating. Love Tactics Christian Dating Rules. ... Join the World's Largest SEX and SWINGER Personals Community. Join for FREE. Jan 12, 2009 ... International escorts forum for escorts and these who are looking for escorts all over the world. Lefantasy is one of the top escort agencies with 12 years of experience. ... LF’ s expertise in travel and erotic adult vacation packages. ... Female Escorts - The Adult Zone UK
Jonathanmorrisaig
Jonathans Life Wonderful Times
Jonathans Life Wonderful Times
Jonathan Hibbitts
i   tired of bing   single  i  wish find wright woman am try look for grilfriend am try  find a  grilfriend
Jonboy
Your Personality Is Like Ecstasy You're usually feeling the love for the world around you - you want to hug everyone. And while you're usually content to sit back and view the world with wonder... Sometimes you're world becomes very overwhelming and a little scary.What Drug Is Your Personality Like?
Jongko
just check it out!
Jon Lane(plz Read)
hello,its jon,plz help me level up on this page and my other 2...http://fubar.com/jon_lane_200988 & http://fubar.com/dalejr88..ty
Jonno's Blog
Never can have too many blogs that's what I say. Anyway, I'm Jon, otherwise known as Jonno1974, I've been around a while. I also frequent SWYDM with the same name. Should you want to know more then send me a message and I'll reply asap.
Jon Ned
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Jonny
Jons Blog
As to who I want to talk to and here is why. While this is rating website that makes this place not like myspace. Some people on here are more into getting a higher rating than meeting people/Popularity. I am here to meet people .....whether you be male or female I don't really care. Skin color doesnt matter for god sakes you could be purple and I'd like sweet a purple person. I am really really annoyed with people who try to tell me what to do..... They tell me to rate them 10's or Fan them. Or they have stupid rules to be able to add them. I ran into one woman who was 45 who was using a models picture to lure people to her page. Which is deceitful.....I don't want that kind of person. I want someone who is real and not afraid of who they are and will post a real picture of themselves. This woman didnt say that that wasnt her but had all sorts of pictures of her and then pictures of her real self.....ALL PRIVATE. Meaning you can't see them till
Jon Scott
if anyone likes country music and wants to have a good time if u ever get a chance to hear this band u will not be dissappointed they are awesome and i always have a good time   u can check him out on my space and facebook
Jon's Lounge
Jon's Thoughts
So something I noticed recently (and my awesome fu-wife blogged about, too) is the excessive amount of hatred I see on this site, read about in statuses, see in screenshots.. what the hell happened here? I never thought Fu was a bed of roses, but sheesh, some of the stuff I see on here now is downright terrorizing.  If shit like this was said out loud to another human being, you could be sued, get the shit kicked out of you, or killed. Some of you all need to realize that it's not THAT personal.
Jonyguitar
Jooke 3- Bud Dancin Queen! Lol
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Joomla is one of the most popular content management systems we have in the market. This particular open source platform has the capability of creating various complex websites. You can also built attractive E-commerce Joomla websites along with great functionalities Thus, according to some sources, people are opting towards creating their website on Joomla content management system.   Joomla web design produces such great quality website to crave for. Here not ends all, it is easy to use and people with very less technical knowledge can use the dashboard. From the back end of Joomla dashboard one can upload contents, images, videos and more. You can actually boost up your business with having an attractive looking Joomla website. Joomla web design gives your website an edge and offers great features.   Are you thinking of custom Joomla design. Then you have reached on the right place. We are amongst the leading website design Joomla companies. Till date, our experienced Joomla de
Joose!
Ok, so I;m the kind of alcoholic that loves fruity flavored alcohol. I hate beer.
Joqzv466soqhyz
Jordyn
A curious thought I figured i'd share.....if a cat always lands on its feet and a buttered piece of toast always lands buttered side down....what would happen if u tied a buttered piece of toast to a cat's back and dropped it out a window haha sorry to anyone that offends.
Jordan
Jordanpowellmts
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Jordanwoodiru
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Jordancookcwv
Join the World's Largest SEX and SWINGER Personals Community. Join for FREE. A Christian teen has choices to make when she considers dating. There is so much information that can confuse the best of Christian teens within the media ... Teen Qs™ - Christian Answers® for teenagers. Choose a topic… About God; Abortion /Pro-life ... What are the Biblical guidelines for dating relationships? ... If a teen is dating another Christian, there is a greater likelihood that they will remain abstinent and supportive of one another. ... my girlfriend and i have been dating for a few mon… Join the World's Largest SEX and SWINGER Personals Community. Join for FREE. Dating black men, white men dating black women, black women dating white. Caribbean dating for Caribbean singles, black single men and dating black women, ... Black women, Black Girls, black singles, international dating, black dating service, black introductions, correspondence service, ... Jan 27, 2009 ... Women who see themselves
Jordanpricekoc
Jordon's Blogs
The word "rejoice" is found 365 times in the Gospels - that means that every day the Lord sends us a reason to celebrate.
Jorges Thoughts
Answer The Phone I miss the sudden pause as your breath is caught by the surprising but expected sensation of your fingers brushing your clit, at my direction. The whisper of your voice deepens and shakes as I tell you all the things I would do; the places I would brush with the tips of my fingers, the tender parts my teeth would nibble, if I could only reach more than your ear. I miss the way you call my name O Jorge at that moment when I tell you it's time to stop holding back. The nights without your body lying beside mine are too long, and too short when I can touch you, so tonight let us pretend we're together. Answer the phone. Bedroom Accessory Placed behind you I enjoy the control the angle the freedom to shift to slow or quicken to trace my fingers across your shoulders or down your back slip in my thumb and feel you inside and out but I miss the contortions the little "ohs"
Jo's Blog
So i watched UFC 64 last night and my man rich franklin lost his belt!!! I am sooo disappointed his nose was so fucked up OMG...He is still the champ in my book tho lol...He will get his belt back..but the sean shrek and Kenny florian match was a blood bath it was a good match i thought..so next up Matt Hughes and George St. Pierre....then in december Chuck liddell and tito ortiz rematch i cant wait!!!!
Jo's Blogs
Just FYI...some important info I found online....Pleae take some time to read and understand this info...this is a common issue in todays homes.... Ironically, many batterers do not see themselves as perpetrators, but as victims. This reasoning is common among batterers. Most enter treatment programs heavily armored with elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions.Or dont seek treatment at all. All About Control There are varying theories about what makes batterers use abuse on those closest to them. One view is that batterers are hardened criminals who commit their crimes in a conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance they believe men are entitled to. Others believe abuse is the product of deep psychological and developmental scars, which are not gender specific. Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers -- they are controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims and believe that men ha
Jo's Blog
I'm a cyber-queen, eyes are burning bright And the glare of the screen is my only light tonight And I can say what I mean, never mean what I say, it's a whole other role I play And I can play with the fire, surfing in electric space, when it comes down to the wire Baby I'm the one ahead of the game When my baby's gone until the midnight hour I take a hyper-link into the new age of the mind I can forget all my troubles it's a holiday It's a whole other role I play And I can play with the fire, surfing in electric space, when it comes down to the wire Baby I'm the one ahead of the game Baby I'm the one ahead of the game! Courtesy of MsTags.com Running through the raindrops, every minute counts. Crackling thunder, blinding lightning, skies are brightening, heartbeats skip. Get a grip, I tell myself, won't be long untill you're home. To his warm and sleeping figure crawl, as the layers peel and fall. Body shivers and I quiver and the thunderbolts explode outside.
Jo's Deep Thoughts
That's what I was Saturday night! LOL I'm tellin' ya those little bottles of Jack are very potent! I drank damn near a case of BudLight & had 3 shots of Jack. I was feeling great!! lol I didn't even have a hangover Sunday morning! After everyone left, I had some outside sex with my hubby. That was awesome! Unfortunately we didn't have sex after we went inside cause I passed out. lol I got some great stuff of everyone with the camcorder. I can't wait to see it. Michael took pics & again we have some great blackmailing photos. lol I really enjoyed myself. We went through 58 bottles of BudLight. I actually drank more than Michael for once. Yes, I am proud of myself! lol This weekend was the Rock Fest. I went with a friend to see Chicago on Thursday night, but we were both more tired than we thought & we left right before Chicago started playing. :( That was upsetting. I did get a glow necklace though! The guy even gave me a discount! :) Last night we could hear Def Lepperd clear as a
Joseph
Joseph
Jose Cookies
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking sode 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp of salt 1 cup of brown sugar 1 tsp lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level up and drink. Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar.. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off the floor..... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry lloose with a drewscriver. Sampple the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose
Jose Dos Santos
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER, SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM." A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE, I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND." THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........ . " WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX "!! When you hate your job.... When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work,
Joseph Arthur - In The Sun (lyrics)
I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in May gods love be with you Always May gods love be with you I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes cause when you showed me myself I became someone else But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need I picture you fast asleep A nightmare comes You cant keep awake May gods love be with you Always May gods love be with you cause if I find If I find my own way How much will I find If I find If I find my own way How much will I find You I dont know anymore What its for Im not even sure If there is anyone who is in the sun Will you help me to understand cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need Maybe youre not even sure what its for Any more than me May gods love be with you Alwa
Joseph's Blog
this is the Blog where you can ask me any question whether it is personal or not I dont mind so let the questions come on By. Hello all, and welcome to my profile my name is Joseph and I am 24 years of age and I reside in akron ohio and I am 6'2 and I weigh about 325 pounds and I have blue eyes and brown hair. I am visually impaired with nystagmus in which is a congenital or acquired persistent, rapid, involuntary, and oscillatory movement of the eyeball, usually from side to side or better known as dancing eyes. my hobbies are watching movies and or television, playing videogames and or sports, listening to music, work on my homepage, and hang out friends and family and help out in the community. the issues I feel strong about are Smokers Rights, Abortion (prolife), Cloning, Students Rights, Human Rights, Privacy, Enviroment, Animal Rights, Death Penalty (for), Freedom of Speech and Gay/Bi/lesbian Rights.Beliefs: I Strongly agree with our lord Jesus christ my Savior and the Holy Bible
Jose Nunez "bilingual" (with Lyrics)
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies~! For Those In Need Of A Laugh..
> > Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies !!! > > > > Ingredients: > > > > 1 cup water > > 1 teaspoon baking soda > > 1 cup sugar > > 1 teaspoon salt > > 1 cup brown sugar > > 4 large eggs > > 1 cup nuts > > 2 cups dried fruit > > 1 (750 ml) bottle tequila (Jose Cuervo or your other favorite > brand) > > > > > > Directions: > > > > 1. Sample the tequila to check quality. > > 2. Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is > of the highest quality. > > 3. Pour one level cup tequila and drink. > > 4. Turn on the electric mixer. > > 5. Beat one cup of but ter in a large fluffy bowl. > > 6. Add one peastoon of sugar. > > 7. Beat again. > > 8. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok, > so try another cup just in case. > > 9. Turn off the mixerer thingy. > > 10. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of > dried fruit. > > 11. Pick the frigging fruit off the
Josephbarneszam
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Josesimmonsupx
Join the World's Largest SEX and SWINGER Personals Community. Join for FREE. Gay black guy who wants only white guys. Posted in the Human Sexuality Forum Join the World's Largest SEX and SWINGER Personals Community. Join for FREE. Meet singles interested in 420 dating and other hot girls and guys below. Tom tells how he bounced back from devastating divorce and learned to get hot women. Go to: to learn what he did. are there any 420 friendly dating sites that are free? would be nice to have a smoking buddy and or a gf that smokes like i do. Personals, Singles, Dating, Couples, Get Ready for Romance Join the World's Largest SEX and SWINGER Personals Community. Join for FREE. Though Hazim identifies as gay, he said many Arab men who have sex with other men do not necessarily see themselves fitting into the strict dichotomy of ... Ceramic of men and boys. One man hugs his young friend. Safavid ceramic from the Chechel Sutun pavillion (Iran), commisioned by Shah Abbas I. Arab
Josepowellcxl
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Josephlewisfnb
Joseph Kony
Josh@ Lostcherry
hey join this
Joshula's Blog
So the first contest I'm in ends in 5 hours. I'm currently in second place. :P I'd appreciate any help from anybody who'd like to help me catch up and take the lead (and keep it until midnight tonight). Any helpers will be greatly appreciated and rewarded (I can rate, comment and gift ya back!) to help me out go here Click here to go rate/comment my pic! Thanks guys!! Vote for me here guys, Nature Picture Contest. First contest I've ever been in on CT to rate/comment go here: http://www.cherrytap.com/viewimage.php?u=314206&albumid=141283&i=3274578271 So i've entered a contest. It's a nature picture contest that I've put up a picture that I took off Detroit Dam, in the Cascade Mountain range of Oregon. It can be seen here: http://www.cherrytap.com/viewimage.php?u=314206&albumid=141283&i=3274578271 any votes/comments would be greatly appreciated :D
Josh's Ramblings
So I don't have a tattoo, but have been kinda wanting one for a while now. I think I've decided on getting the Breaking Benjamin logo tattooed in the middle of my upper back. Nothing huge, probably the size of a CD or smaller. This is what their logo looks like for those that don't know them It's just 4 B's intertwined, so I think it looks cool and will stand on it's own even if/when the band is no longer around. Oh and likely just in black as I'm not a huge fan of tattoos in color. Your thoughts?
Josh's Thoughts
Today at work, I got the most AWSOME compliment by one of my first customers today. Her car got towed last night in Aggieville (rescuing her drunk friends ironically enough) and was taken to Wildcat Wrecker. This morning, she called for a cab to go get her car. Thier shop opens at 8 am on Saturdays (supposedly) and we showed up in the parking lot right at 8 this morning. The place was still closed, no one around except us and the cold, blowing wind. I called the number on the side of the building and was told that the worker was on his way. I told her that she could sit in the car where it is warm until they show up. She gladdly thanked me and sat down in the car. After about 45 min. of no one showing up, I called again and was told it would be no more than 15 min. before someone got there; they had some confusion with schedules on their end. The boss called once after I told him what was going on and she kept saying that she could just go sit on the steps if I needed to leave
Joshua
WOW THE SHIT THAT RUNS THRU MY HEAD RIGHT NOW I KNOW IM REALLY FUCKING HIGH SO I AM GONNA JUST SAY THIS HOW COME IT IS ALWAYS THE ONE THAT YOU DEDICATE YOUR EVERYTHING TO THAT ALWAYS HURTS YOU AND THAN LIES ON TOP OF IT HELL WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE HURT ME LIKE THIS I MUST RUN I MUST GO BACK INTO THE DARKNESS AND LIVE IN SILENCE WHEN I OPENED UP AND GAVE EVERYTHING AND FINALLY FELL IN LOVE I ENDED UP WOUNDED MY HEART HAS SHATTERED LIKE GLASS HITTING THE FLOOR WHAT HAS GONE WRONG HERE WHO IS THIS DEMON THAT HAS BEEN BROUGHT FORTH INTO THE ONE THAT I LOVE WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH I MUST GO I MUST HIDE BACK INTO THE DARKNESS MY SOUL IS SAFE FOREVER AS FOR MY HEART IT DIED THAT NITE NOW THE CAGES AND COFFIN HAS BEEN BUILT AROUND IT NO ONE CAN BRING IT BACK TO LIFE THE PAIN IS AS SHARP AS A NEEDLE WHAT DO I SAY WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE CAN I JUST SAY MY LAST WORDS AND BE BLOWN AWAY OR WILL HE TRY TO SAY THAT HE LOVES ME AM I UNDER HIS SPELL OR AM I FINALLY FREE CAN I LIVE W
Josh937123@ Cherrytap
josh937123@ CherryTAP
Josh
Josh's Blog
This is funny really funny and you will laugh , I really enjoyed this one (Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this : Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife - - who would never consider a gun -----adequate time to retreat to safety. -----------WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know
Joshua!!!
Ok I have not gone into great detail about the love of my life and my first love!!! Joshua Lucas Grisham, this is a hard one for me to talk about due to the fact that I knew him for 20 years and we were in love for so long but now I can!!! Joshua died in Feb of 2004 and it has been the hardest three years of my life!!! Joshua was the love of my life and my very first love and he got my virginity...I have always been close to his family. Joshua left behind 3 beautiful children that look just like him!! He died of a drug overdose and he helped so many people after he died. Joshua was an organ doner and I can say that I didn't look much at organ donation until after he did it. He still amazes me after he was gone, The organ donation papers were signed without anyone knowing about it...So I can say that he was a great man before and after he was gone. I will say that he has the biggest place in my heart and always will. I will never forget the last time that I saw him alive we kissed and I
Joshdogg's Blog
I joined this site cause my girl invited me and i like it alot.. It is better than myspace in some aspects. But maybe ill be here more often.
Joshua@ Cherrytap
JOSHUA@ CherryTAP
Josh
Joshua Minton
Check out this video: Joshua’s StoryAdd to My Profile | More Videos
Joshs Blog
This is TRUE! How Budweiser handled those who laughed at those who died on the 11th of September, 2001... Thought you might like to know what happened in a little town north of Bakersfield , California After you finish reading this, please forward this story on to others so that our nation and people around the world will know about those who laughed when they found out about the tragic events in New York , Pennsylvania , and the Pentagon. On September 11th, A Budweiser employee was making a delivery to a convenience store in a California town named McFarland. He knew of the tragedy that had occurred in New York when he entered the business to find the two Arabs, who owned the business, whooping and hollering to show their approval and support of this treacherous attack. The Budweiser employee went to his truck, called his boss and told him of the very upsetting event! He didn't feel he could be in that store with those horrible people. His boss as
Josh's Ramblings
so im trying to win a 7 blast/ 1 month vip...and since ive not had either im gonna try and win...its first to 25000 comments...so if ya read this and wanna help..thank ya!!
Josh Russell Memorial
josh russell memorial show come out show some love
Josh
Joshua Needs Help!
Joshua is working on a VIP contest He needs 10,000 comments. He will give 100 rates of pictures or stash for ever 100 comments left! I will also do 2 name tags for every 100 comments left for him. He has a week to finish this and still has over 6k to go! Click Here to Bomb!
Joshes Mind
Josh's Blog
I am trying to get the hang of this. If anyone wants to talk, send me a message. :) Take care
Joshua Curran
To whom it may concern, My name is Joshua Curran I am a widowed father with a soon to be 11 year old son. I am having hard times and his birthday and Christmas are coming up I am unable afford to probably give him a birthday or Christmas this year due to struggling with money. I work but it tends to be very part time. We are barley able to pay rent food bills let alone any thing else. If you are able to help with anything please let me know or you are free to remain anonymous if you wish….. Thank you, Joshua Curran…. Joshua Curran & Julian Curran 5380 Zuni Street Apt.2-C Denver CO, 80221
Josh
Joshua Gods Salvation
Get it together within yourself this way it is established. It was in the beginning therefore it should be now. All the knowledge points in the direction of your having it before so remember it again. This is you but the greater you was established in the beginning. From beginning to beginning. Everlasting to everlasting is what we are designed for. Think not with the flesh as you have been programmed by society to think as but rather think with the spirit and your Super Physical self which created the flesh. Flesh is used to seeing only that of which is before it but if you can see beyond the flesh you will inherit the everlasting Super Physical being that awaits you. Much like you waiting for you. Lets overcome death together. Death exist only due to the fact that it exist within ourselves therefor eliminate all thoughts that may include death. Death in old time had been defeated many times. Enoch, Elijah. These two went up within the whirlwind in a chariot and were then transfigured
Josh's Kicks Are In Forex
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Josie Place
Jo's Place
This is a True Story THROUGH DANNYS EYES By Flo Hart Ten years ago I met them, while on a trip out west, As I neared the station Homestead looking forward to a rest, And a cool drink with the owner, or just a cup of tea, When suddenly! Two lads appeared; they scared the daylights out of me. I guessed their ages were the same, maybe eight or nine, So I stopped the car beside them where one he gave the sign. His hair and skin was black as coal, but he gave a pearly grin, Said, If youre heading for the station house, mind if we hop in? He quickly opened up the door, and said, Hi! My name is Danny. My friend, his name is Emmanuel, but most folk call him Manney. A tall, slender, fair skin lad held out his hand to me, And as I gazed into his face, I knew he could not see. Pleased to meet you boys, I said, Why dont you call me Fred, Dan said hi
Jost Ones Point Of View
Jotdm
Demented Angel Angel engulfed in shadows, robbed of flight, grounded, she voids herself of light. walking in the darkness, she witnesses time curse the damned. tears of blood trickle but never find the ground. she weeps for the weary that sorrow has shown her. whispering on the night breeze, fear not as I have feared. plunge not for darkness escapes no one. cry with me, for I have seen the blackness in your soul. I know that which you seek to hide from those easily decieved. I am the angel of the damned, but once like you. oh how I desire the dawn and fear eternity in this place. written by S.L.Ghanem copyright 09/26/05 I Can. As life passes me by, I can can almost see my mistakes before they are made. I can see love when it passes me by. I can feel the rain on my face, hear the thunder in the distance and know that I am so small in the wonder of it all. I can hear beauty in a melody that captivates me. I can cry because I know, that I will ma
Joujou
Joun The Coven
We are the Lost Coven If you like good honest people then here you go!! We are the best on Fu.. I promise once you join the coven you have made friends for life.. Please remember if you join the coven there is no going back!!! So now it is up to you!! Do you sit and wonder what we are all about or do you walk threw the gates and into our world? The choice is yours!!! Blessed Be... CLICK THE PIC TO GO B4 THE COVEN.. the coven awaits you http://fubar.com/new_lounge.php?w=1andlid=59941 cum join us in the coven its a bad ass place to be its coool as hell, lots of bad asss lords and misstrisses, and the best group of fallowers there, is we have all kingds of fun in the coven. cum get drunk off of blessed wine become a fallower then billed your way up if you can Free Comments & Graphics http://fubar.com/new_lounge.php?w=1andlid=59941 the coven awaits you http://fubar.com/new_lounge.php?w=1andlid=59941 cum join us in the coven cum one cum o
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A Journey

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