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Join My Family
Here is the link to the family page, read the profile, it explains what we do and the family guidelines...let me know in the friend request you have read the page and wish to join
Join My Mafia!
Please add me on MYSPACE. I would play it here but the game isnt on FUBAR.
I am trying to beef up my mafia.
It is the funnest game I have ever played online.
HELP ME .. just join me on myspace and add the application that is on my profile for MAFIA.
Join The Best Family Posted For The Best Ower Of A Family
You've Tried The Rest
Now Join The BEST!
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Owner of 25 to Life
Click Banner to Join
(repost of original by 'SuperStarrPrincess~aka~♫DJ Starr♫ ~Owner of 25 to Life~ *Fu-Pastor*' on '2008-07-25 18:49:03')
(repost of original by 'StarrStruck! Proud Member of 25 to Life!' on '2008-07-25 18:50:54')
Join Betty Boop Train
FEEL THE RUSH
1. Stop by my page Boopmebaby and rate Adrenaline folder... Start with this pic...
2. Rate, Fan, Add, and Comment each person on the Party List. If you are already friends with someone, check to make sure you have re-rated him/her and leave a comment.. "Feel the Rush" or something like that...
4. Private message me when you have completed rating each party guest. I will make you a thank you tag... And add you to the guest list...
5. When new people join the party... You must rate/fan/add/comment them back... DO NOT just ACCEPT the friend request.
6. Repost the bulletin so it can be seen by as many people as possible.
7. NO DRAMA... You agreed to the rules... So, be sure you follow through... No cheating... Please...
Below is the gift tag you will receive... Feel free to save and upload your tag or rip it... But if you rip it, you will NOT receive points when someone rates it on your page. Please leave me a comment so I
Join Ralph Nader's Freedom Writers Today
I just sent a letter to twenty news organizations, demanding that they give more coverage to Ralph Naders presidential campaign. Nader is currently polling at six percent nationally, which means that 12 million Americans support his candidacy. And yet the mainstream media barely covers his campaign or his platformssupported by a majority of Americansleaving millions more Americans unaware that they have more than two options this year.
We are dealing with critical election issues this year. We should be having discussions about withdrawing from Iraq, cracking down on Wall Street crimes, helping millions to get back their homes and pensions, and building a green infrastructure for our future. But the two major party candidates are not talking about these issues, and the mainstream media does not address them sufficiently, either.
Americans need to know that they have choices this year, and so we need to put pressure on the mainstream media to cover Ralph Naders
You couldn't figure this out? Guys who beat up on women either physically or mentally are nothing but pieces of shit scumbags who need to have the their balls cut off with a dull knife. Oh, did i mention nice and slow..
DON'T TAKE EM BACK!
Come Party With Us In Dark Desires With DJ OMG WTF
~*~cutemommy82~*~ I'm his diamond and the queen of his heart!!! love u baby@ fubar
$$$$-MyStA BiGzZZ-$$$$$~PU$$YCAT PIMP~@ fubar
YOU AINT KNOW~ALA'S MOST WANTED~@ fubar
Mr.&Mrs.Sykes°°°fu-owned by puddy°°@ fubar
~Miss Dee~@ fubar
Xenobies_world $$~LEVEL POUNDER~$$ Wife of Fuji_Wan & fugirl to Ashton@ fubar
XKrazyLilQTX*fu-wife to D*@ fubar
**DJ Navy ** ¢¾ Fu-Engaged to xoxoflirt ¢¾**Member of the Level Pounders**@ fubar
ZION N MORRISON..aka DJ MOGZY'0
Join Scooter Bar
Welcome Please join our lounge Click this link and become a member of the famliy http://www.fubar.com/new_lounge.php?lid=50053 ABC Studios: NEW SONG!!!! SICKEST DISS ME AND SUICIDALJ HAVE DONE YET!!!!!! JOSHIE32 DISS!!!! http://www.abcfever.com/ PLEASE MASS, PLEASE MASS, PLEASE MASS, PLEASE MASS, PLEASE MASS, PLEASE MASS!!!!!!!
Join Us In Enchanted Desires
ENCHANTED DESIRE LOUNGE
LOOKING FOR PROMOTERS, STAFF AND MEMBERS
CLICK THE BANNERS TO ENTER AND APPLY
OR CLICK ON TOYS PIC TO APPLY
  Toy   Owner of Enchanted Desires
TUNES PROVIDED BY
Join Me Plz
Join Us In The Sinful Playground
Come Join The Fun In
The Synful Playground
THIS IS AN INVITE ONLY LOUNGE
PM EITHER OF US FOR AN INVITE
PLEASE REPOST THIS BULLY Come Join The Fun In
The Synful Playground
THIS IS AN INVITE ONLY LOUNGE
PM EITHER OF US FOR AN INVITE
PLEASE REPOST THIS BULLY
INFO ON THE RATE SPANKERS
* You are not an official member until you have
received a confirmation email back from the Princess
... & she has added you to the Homepage. *
- You must have at least 100 pics & 100 stash....
- You must be a level 10 or higher with a verified salute.
- We normally pimp 2 people out at a time, for 3 days,
sent by email.
- When you're close to leveling, email either the
Princess or Red Z28!
STATUS / BLOGS / BULLETINS!!
- Be watching for blogs & bulletins posted by the
Princess & Red Z28. We will also change our status
when someone is leveling. We may also msg or
comment all members.
WE ARE NOT A BOMBING FAMILY! Feel free to ask
for help with contests, however it is not required of our
members to help! Some people will gladly help though.
WE MAINLY LEVEL MEMBERS OF OUR FAMILY
- Although we do help a few outside of the family, it is
usually because they have
Join Us At Twisted Thoughts
WELCOME TO TWISTED THOUGHTS
WHERE GREAT FRIENDS GET
TOEGETHER TO HANG OUT AND
HAVE FUN! WE PLAY ALL KINDS
OF MUSIC INCLUDING CLASSIC
ROCK, COUNTRY, METAL, AND RAP.
WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
THAT LOVE TO HAVE A GREAT TIME
ALL THE TIME SO COME ON IN,
AND JOIN THE PARTY!
(repost of original by '"The Ish" HŷĐäŴã Ŕåđïõ's HEAD GREETER' on '2009-01-27 18:32:48')
Join The Newest Lounge On Fubar
hey'' whats up i guess i can say that am kinda new,not to many people come by.anymore.i am LOOKING FOR STAFF DJ'S AND ANYKIND OF HELP POSSABLE.IF INTERESTED SHOUT AT ME K
OWNER DRAGON'S LAIR imikimi - Customize Your World!
Hell-o my name is david .,some of you may know me some may not.i am the owner of 2 lounges,southern comfort and dragon's lair.well what s this for.reasons well to have fun. make new friends. and build the biggest dream on fubar that you can immagen so do us all a favor!come by dragon's lair tell me what you think .it's a free fubar. join today get shit face when arrive lol help is needed for all perposes C-YAH THERE
hey guys i got some sites for you to join and i'll do some favors for you.. thanks :D1. just sign up and confirm your email. check it out :D2. http://www.yourfree360games.com/index.php?ref=251390 sign up and confirm email, check it out. :D3. sign up, confirm email, and play games or whatever lol
Join My Mafia
Arr me mateyjoin up with me piratesget yer own ship too in Pirates:Come Rule the Caribbeanwith Me!Click here to join me Pirate Crew now.
There is Only One Way Off These Streetsjoin up with me in Mafia WarsCome Rule the World with meClick here to join my Mafia now.
Join The Slp Suicidal Servants!!!
COPY AND PASTE THE LINK ABOVE TO BECOME PART OF THE SUICIDE LAB PRODUCTIONS MEMBERS PAGE!!! LOTS OF NEW APPLICATIONS COMING SOON!!! CATS420
Join Chaotic & ~bratt~ On Cam And In Auction In The Purple Magik!!!!!
Come & Hang Out With Us Tonight At!!
We have friendly people, good music, random bling for new members and live auction! So come on in and start to have some fun and make some new friends!
We are having a live auction on May 27th @ 8pm fu time come and join and have sum fun!!!
Here are our entry's so far!!
~Bratt~**Depends Who You Ask's** Stalkee:)
Join Juggalo Paradise Today
This lounge is the best juggalo lounge in all of fu-land so join today and be part of the juggalo revolution http://www.fubar.com/lounge/65489
Join Juggalos Paradise And Hells Demonic Playground
Hey all come experience the two hottest new lounges in Fu-land, Juggalos Paradise and Hells Demonic Playground. Come be a part of the revolution and stay for the rockin tunes and even better people. www.fubar.com/lounge/67561 http://www.fubar.com/lounge/65489
Join The A2mc-toe Society
Welcome all to the A2MC-Toe Society!
I would like to extend this invitation to everyone who would like to be a part of this new, exciting Fubar group!
Of course with any group, we are going to need a list of rules and requirements for all who wish to join.
1. To be voted into the group, you must submit a boobie, c-toe, cock salute or a2m video to a current member.. but only after asking if they want one.
2. Must buy a Founder at least 2 drinks and one "spicy" gift
3. Must profile rate each member daily
4. Must rate at least 100 member pics daily
5. You must shit talk each other on the quarter hour.
6. Must write one MuMM a day professing your love for A2M or C- Toe
7. Must be blocked from no less than 5 MuMM posters
8. Must show proof of calling someone a cunt in your shoutbox.
9. Must capture scrolling A2MC-Toe mafia members
10. You must show the founders daily "fulove" and then immediately go masturbate.
AND OF COURSE YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO PUT A2MC-TOE MAF
Join My Turf
join my mafia turf
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hi everybody wanted to tell you about a way to make easy money these are some of the best sites with the highest pay outs i got mine and baught a brand new car with cash.
do your self a favor and check them out there all free to join they all have big sign up bonus
this is no bull you realy get paid my next purchas is a house and will be baught with cash
check them out
Join My Lounge
come Join my Lounge I'm Allways looking to meet people & looking for staff i got Cams & Jazz music
So come check it out http://fubar.com/lounge/71373
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Join The Waaagh!!!
For those that don't know, haven't googled, etc. This blog will be dedicated to the exploits of my Warhammer 40k Ork Amy. Epic battles, funny characters, etc. All will be told here. Enjoy!
"We is gonna stomp da universe flat and kill anyfink that fights back. We're da Orks, and we was made ta fight and win." -Ghazgkull Thraka (Prophet of the WAAGH!!!).
Join My Mob In Fumafia
You are the WorldCompletion, Good Reward.The World is the final card of the Major Arcana, and as such represents saturnian energies, time, and completion.The World card pictures a dancer in a Yoni (sometimes made of laurel leaves). The Yoni symbolizes the great Mother, the cervix through which everything is born, and also the doorway to the next life after death. It is indicative of a complete circle. Everything is finally coming together, successfully and at last. You will get that Ph.D. you've been working for years to complete, graduate at long last, marry after a long engagement, or finish that huge project. This card is not for little ends, but for big ones, important ones, ones that come with well earned cheers and acknowledgements. Your hard work, knowledge, wisdom, patience, etc, will absolutely pay-off; you've done everything right.What Tarot Card are You?Take the Test to Find Out.
You should definitely come join us at Good Times. Where it always a good time. Nice people. Great music. Great conversation. Come join in on the Good Times.
* we can wear guys clothes. If they wear ours, they get funny looks. * Our friends don’t say hello to us by punching us on the arm. * Yeah, PMS sucks. but at least we have a good excuse to eat chocolate for a week. * If we’re on a really big ship that happens to hit an iceberg, we’ll get lifeboats first. * We get the bigger apartment on Friends. * Girl talk. you know, how we just understand each other without having to explain stuff. * We never have to stand in a urinal and have other girls stare at us. * Dark circles under the eyes? a hickey? we can just cover them up wi
Join My Fumafia Turf
Click this link to join my turf...
Join my TURF!!
Join The Turf
Joint Muscle Pain
The most common cause of combined and muscular discomfort is a disease called Wide spread Lupus Erythematosus (SLE). Most of the sufferers being affected by SLE experience muscular and combined problems during course of the illness. The discomfort is mainly due to the swelling of joint parts and muscle tissue. Sometimes the signs look like that of popular flu, as a serious discomfort in joint parts and muscle tissue can make someone experience really sick. The signs at times may look like those of osteoarthritis, as the joint parts, which have a painful discomfort also, get inflammed and become soft. In some sufferers the discomfort might not be so serious, but intense muscular swelling may result in loss of strength. Sometimes, combined and muscular discomfort come before SLE. In some extreme situations, a person may experience combined and muscular discomfort even at relax. Most of the sufferers being affected by muscular and discomfort are advised by doctors to have the right mix
IM NEW HERE CAN SO ONE BE MY FRIEND AND HELP ME GET STARTED ON THIS SITE. IM LOOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND MY WIFE IS LEAVING ME. WILL SOON BE DIVORCED.
THANKS LOVE YA JOEY
Jojo's Riddle Factory
The first phone call
the first conversation
the right moment The first time voices connected
the right time! The first date
not wanting it to end...driving home
she is consuming your thoughts! The first realization
still remembering her presence! The first time hours passed
choosing her voice over much needed sleep! The first time comprehending that you consume this woman too
her mind...her thoughts! The first time you smelled her perfume
what scent is that? The first time you held her
she's so soft
danced with her. The first time you looked deep into her eyes. The first time you touched her and her you. The first time you made her laugh. The first time you realized that you missed her so much it hurt inside. The first time you realized that somehow
you wanted to feel ........The first time again. Wow !! What an emotional life-altering rollercoaster it's been in my first 3 months. Chaos has reigned supreme in my world as
I am in a Happy Hour Giveway and PLEASE help me get my first one EVER! All I need is 50k comments and rates counts as 2 comments... no time limit, just as long as I get 50k. If you would like to help... click the pic below and comment/rate away!! Thank yoooooou!!! Hugs and kisses....
Click on pic to help me win my FIRST Happy Hour EVER! ->HAWKEYE ~ ...: did i tell you that i loved you in that way? no
HAWKEYE ~ ...: jo jo go do ur thing i knew u would never give me a real chance.....n its funny only moments after our conversation on here was nick black like in every pic
HAWKEYE ~ ...: u never said u didnt
->HAWKEYE ~ ...: i fucking promote the guy and his fucking music
HAWKEYE ~ ...: n prob fuck him too
->HAWKEYE ~ ...: i had nick's pictures in my albums and on my page since i started
->HAWKEYE ~ ...: how can i fuck nick black when he's in los angeles!
HAWKEYE ~ ...: not the i love jo jo ones
HAWKEYE ~ ...: i m sure there is a way
->HAWKEYE ~ ...: are you jealous of him or
I guess this is what makes the most sense to do when things get heavy in the coming year...
Don't hate me cause i'm lonely
Don't hate me cause i'm chained
Don't hate me when i say, i had a debt to pay
Just know that just as You, i have my cross to bear
For when i tell You something there was no one else with whom to share
Don't hate me cause i'm aching
Don't hate me when i'm breaking
Don't hate me when i tell You, i don't know who i am
For when these truths are shared, it's You to whom i ran
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..........
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
You Better Watch Out, I
My name is jo im 40. Lived in lots of places wyoming colorado louisiana, but i love texas. Met amd married hubby jokid here and have 3 boys. But i aint dead yet yall come say Howdy
One of the things I am most known for is when it comes to animals proving people are wrong about behavior and labeling breeds out of hype and speculation and roomers
In my long gone young 20's it was the White German Shepherd , I see my first one at a breeders house I went to the snow white coat and black nose and soft dark brown eyes.. I got researching the breed and found out they were shunted by most of the German Shepherd world . They were considered through backs and bucket pups at birth
I found out in the circle of show dogs that breeders of these colored shepherds like to say god put the German Shepherd on the earth as a German Shepherd. Witch is bunk all dogs came from wild dogs
in knowing this they call white shepherds through backs ..also they say they carry hip problems and that they are born with pink eyes and no hearing because of there white coats . If so why did I see a intelligent animal with dark brown eyes and came when his name was called?
To a very special person who has stuck by me for the last 2 years Thanks in more then words can explain
~ ♥ JoJo RL GF-Jelly/ Fubar wifey and owner to Nevada's finest Peanut Butter ♥ ~@ fubar
Jonas BrothersWhen You Look Me In The Eyes
A Joke To Start Things Off
Be kind...this is one of my jokes...I used it onstage a couple of time
I'm short. Its an obvious statement....see me and it'll be obvious to you too. I wasn't supposed to be this way! I was SUPPOSED to be 6'5, but my mother was dyslexic, so I ended up 5'6" on a good day.
Dyslexia isn't a bad thing though. Every fellatio afficionado is dyslexic. They just don't realize it. They keep sucking through every blowjob. I'm kinda thankful for that. A penis is NOT, I repeat NOT a balloon.
Here at SBC, the Sadistic Broadcasting company, we are very mindful of how impressionable our viewers and listeners are. It is our goal to provide programming that is insightful, informative, and most of all, cheap.
With that in mind, we are delighted to provide audience appropriate messages as a public service and are thankful for the tax breaks these messages provide...It is in that interest that we present the following PSA:
Masochicsts hit your head here ----
Sadists, make someone hit h
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your butt,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
Your Seduction Style: The Charismatic
You're beyond seductive, you're downright magnetic!
You life live and appr
I am 65 years old. My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed until today I read his obituary.
Obituary - Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with
AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM,HE OBERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER
VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE L
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, vodka, wine or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = POOP
BEER = HEALTH
Ergo, it is better to drink beer and talk shit, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I am doing it as a public service.
T@ LostCherry When NASA firts started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any servi
*joke Of The Day*
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'
'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!
Jokes-i Did Not Write These...but Funny
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
I am better than your kids.
If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:
Megan, age 4 First of all, I don't even know what this is. If it's supposed to be a dog, then it's the shittiest dog I've ever seen. F
Kyle, age 8 You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor.F
Lisa, age 6 Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, d
Jokes, Thoughts, & Random Stuff
Ever noticed the more you voice your opinion, the more you are viewed as someone negative and not caring about situations that are recent and will make some sort of impact on the future?
I am one of those poor souls that have been given that ever so charming title of "non-caring individual." Let me explain, if I could have a moment of your time.
A couple days ago I got into a conversation about Farfur, for those that don't know who Farfur is, he is a look-a-like to Disney's Mickey Mouse, but this mouse teaches Islamic children to hate Israel, America, and to support the "resistance". For more information please visit here
for a full story on him. And click here and here to see this mouse in action.
Moving forward, we were asked to give an honest opinion on what we thought about this mouse and the subject in general about teaching hateful things to children. Well my statement to the matter was, "Usually I walk around with my mouth shut on these sort of issues, but when a c
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he's trying to walk again.
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle
along the way
While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you doing? "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped
his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took
his wallet, jewelry, and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this
guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the
hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got
there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook
his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him
gently behind the ear, and said, "This just ain't gonna be your
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears
formed in his eyes as he thought abouther seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked
"They're mating," her father replied.
What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment..then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not
I really shouldn't be asking you this. I feel shy, but I want it so bad, don't get me wrong it's just that I haven't had it for a long time. I could already feel it going in so hard and coming out so soft and wet. No one has to know about this. I need it. I'm desperate, but your help can be very grateful you must think I have a lot of nerve asking you for this, but I can feel my tongue around it sucking all the juice out until there no more left, this has been on my mind all day long and I hope I'm not being forward, I'm usually not like this, but can I have a piece of gum?"
A woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic tell
Harry is getting along in years and though he still can go hiking and backpacking, he finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, It will not work again for another year! "
Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers with the powder. That night he is ready to surprise his wife.
He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving l
theres this reporter and she is doin an expose on mad cow disease.
the reporter goes over to a local cattle farm to talk to the farmer and find out what he thinks is the cause of mad cow disease.
reporter: so sir could u give me an insight as to what u believe in your opinion causes mad cow disease?
farmer: well i can tell ya that we milk our cows once a day.
reporter: i suppose thats an interesting fact, but seriously could u tell ma what causes mad cow disease?
Farmer: i can also tell u that we let the bulls fuck the cows once a month.
reporter: once again interesting enough but how does that answer my question?
farmer: well miss if i played with your tits twice a day and only fucked u once a month wouldnt u be mad too
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's
final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up
tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student,
and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and
notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the
plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down
the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him,
he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you
flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chica
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
" Emma come first. Den i come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses,they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then i come one lasta time."
" You foul - mouthed sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. " In this country, we don't speak aloud in public about our sex lives."
" Hey, coola down lady," said the man. " who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella ' Mississippi'."
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then, I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
A biker goes into a bar and sees a donkey with a bucket of money. The bartender says "You put in $1 and if you make him laugh, you win the money. The biker drops in $1 and whispers in the donkeys ear. The donkey cracks up. The biker grabs the cash and leaves.
The next week he drops by the same bar. The donkey is still laughing with a fresh bucket of money. The barkeep says that since the donkey can't stop laughing, the money is for whoever can get him to stop.
The biker grins, drops in his buck and takes the donkey out into the alley. Soon they return and the donkey is crying his eyes out.
The biker reaches for the dough but the bartender stops him. I don't mind you winning the pot but let me know how you did it.
The biker replies "Last week I told him I had a bigger dick than him. This week, I showed him."
Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, &
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmers Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, I think I can stand over the hole! So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, Grab for my thingy and pull yourself up. And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you dont need a Mercedes to pick up
A man is driving along a highway and sees a r
It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father walked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, and assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit." The father asked her what had happened. "The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me $10 that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teachers' lounge to show him that I had no mole, but he had to promise he would never make another bet at school again." "Damn!" the father said. "He bet me $50 this morning
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."
LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic
A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in 6six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"
The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife start
FOR THOSE OF US WHO LIVE HERE, I THINK YOU WILL FIND THIS HILARIOUS....FOR PEOPLE WHO RECEIVE THIS AND DO NOT LIVE HERE BUT VISIT OCCASSIONALLY, THIS WILL HELP TO EXPLAIN WHY WE ACT THE WAY WE DO....ENJOY! HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE WEEKEND AND PLEASE, DRIVE SAFELY AND TAKE THE RIGHT EXIT OFF THE FREEWAY (OOPS, MY East Coast ROOTS ARE SHOWING), I MEAN BELTWAY.
RULES FOR LIVING IN LAS VEGAS!!
First, it's pronounced LOSS VAYGUS, nev-ADDA (not nev-AH-da). It doesn't matter how they say it in other places, You live HERE Now.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Las Vegas has no set traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive !
It's impossible to drive around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on! The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".
The 8:00 am rush hour is 4:30 am to 11:30 am. The 5:00 pm rush hour is 11:30 am to 10:15 pm.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning an
This will Mess With Your Head.
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $300,
SO EACH MAN PAID $100 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $250,
SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $50.
ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $50 EVENLY
BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $10 BILL AND KEPT THE OTHER $20
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $90 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $270,
ADD THE $20 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $290.
WHERE ARE THE OTHER 10 DOLLARS?
Police Comment Transcriptions
The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car
videos around the country...
#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 35
Joke Good Bad Ugly
>The Montana Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, and
> >fishermen to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while
> >the mountains.
> >Hikers are advised to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
> >their clothing to alert but not startle the bears
> >They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with
> >bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
> >People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear
> >grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain
> >and possibly squirrel fur.
> >Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
> >spray Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
ROFLMAO think I shoulda tried this one too with my ex hubby!!
(DAMN IT, ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THAT ONE) Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. You scored as Penis. You are attracted to t
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Just great, a
GET A PIECE OF PAPER AND NUMBER IT FROM (1-13)
AND NO CHEATING!
SEE THE RESULTS AT THE END OF THE TEST!
1.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
A. LIGHT COLOR
B. CHANGE COLORS
2.IF YOU WERE TO MEET UP WITH THE CRUSH OF YOUR LIFE YOU WOULD...
A. SEDUCE THEM
B. JUST CHILL
C. CHILL AND THEN SEDUCE
3.WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF WEATHER?
4.WHATS THE BEST TYPE OF FRUIT?
5.THE BEST PART OF THE 24 HOURS IS....
6.WHATS THE BEST SEASON OF THE YEAR?
7.HEADBOARD OR NO HEADBOARD?
8.WHATS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
9.PICK A PLACE YOU WOULD HAVE SEX AT OUT OF THESE...
A. ASTRO VAN
B. ON THE ROOF TOP OF A BUI
Joke Of The Day
Little boy kills a butterfly, Dad says no butter for 2 weeks! Boy kills a honeybee. Dad says no honey for 2 weeks! Mom kills a cockroach, boy turns to Dad and says are you going to tell her or shall i? You scored as Disappear. Your death will be by disappearing, probably a camping trip gone wrong or an evening hike you never returned from. Always remeber that one guy who was hiking alone and got in a rock slide. He could have died, but he cut his own hand off to save himself. Don't end up like him (or worse, dead).Disappear93%Bomb67%Posion60%Suicide53%Gunshot53%Suffocated47%Eaten40%Natural Causes40%Stabbed33%Disease
The following is supposedly an actual question given on the University of
Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these re
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking u! p people .
Jokes I Like !!!!!!
The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope,sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along wit
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
Thought for the day...
Friends are like butt cheeks.
Shit might separate them,
But they always come back together.
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the A
Jokes Cause Im Bored
U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step chil
Jokes I Think Are Funny!
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P.Niss
The Response: Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated inorder to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protec
THIS IS THE TRUEST THING I HAVE EVER READ....AND IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DIAGNOSED YET...DON'T WORRY...U WILL BE, LOL!
Recently, I was diagnosed with : A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my d
Joke Of The Day
What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?
Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough
doesn't come out of carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what
the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
and get their answer when a little
voice says, 'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a child's growth
is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother...
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks,'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your
51-year old ass?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.
One day Adam asked God "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God answered "So that you will love her". Adam again asked "Why did you give her such long flowing hair?" God answered again "So that you will love her." Adam asked again "Why did you give her such a beautiful figure?" Again God answered and said "So that you will love her." Adam said - "Then why did you make her so dumb" and God answered and said "So that she would love you". Wha
Jokes (dirty Or Not)
I never married because-
I have 3 pets that serve the same purpose:
1) a dog that growls
2) a parrot that swears all the time
3) a cat that comes home late at night
Q:And what I want in a man?
A:A well hung MIME
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met.
I drive way too fgast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever, so far so good.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but groundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
When everything's coming your way, why are you always in the wrong lane?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not enough sense to be lazy.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When I'm not in my right mind
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread."
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter:
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 185 lb. blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it
Need one gal 2 marry... Age no bar
Color no bar
height no bar
caste no bar
but gal's father must have his own bar... CHEERS
Duniya main Bewafaon ki koi kami nahi
SURAJ ko hi dekho
wo Aata hai USHA ke sath
aur Jata hai SANDHYA ke sath,
Sota hai NISHA ke sath aur
Uthta hai KIRAN ke sath
The wife stands in front of a mirror.
"you know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror & I see an old woman,
face wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms"
She turns to her husb & says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself." He says in a soft voice,"your eye sight is
Boyfriend-Sorry mein tumse shadi nahi kar sakta gharwale mana kar rahehai.
Girlfriend-Ghar me kaun kaun hai?
Boyfriend-1 biwi aur 3 bachhe!
Sita: Truck ka horn sunkar tum kaampne kyu lagte ho?
Titu: Ek truck driver meri biwi ko bhagaa le gaya tha, lagta hai jaise usko vapas laya ho.
John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a
kilogram of butter. T
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The
theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens)
and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
Argued over nothing.
Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
Talked excessively without making sense.
Became overly emotional.
Failed to think rationally
Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Bob approached the clerk behind the counter in the pro shop and said, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The clerk behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of gol
The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I dont care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said,
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said,
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped them up even more! So Farmer J
An old man and woman lived alone for so long and there was no sex till finally the woman snaped .... she stripped off her clothes and tied a sheet like a cape around her neck .... she ran out of the house and jumped to a stop in front of the mail man ... she yelled SUPER PUSSY ! She ran around the block and yelled as she went SUPER PUSSY ! ... she ran back in the house and into the kitchen where her husband sat ... She Yelled SUPER PUSSY ! he looked at her and then said " I will Have the Soup. " Sorry I was reminded of that by some thing .
yeah this is funny!
did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change!
The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satell
There was a man who worked for the Post Office
> > whose job it was to
> > process all the mail that had illegible
> > addresses.
> > One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky
> > handwriting to God with no
> > actual address. He thought he should open it
> > to see what it was about.
> > The letter read:
> > "Dear God,
> > I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very
> > small pension. Yesterday
> > someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it,
> > which was all the money I
> > had until my next pension check.
> > Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited
> > two of my friends over for
> > dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to
> > buy food with. I have no
> > family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
> > Can you please help me?
> > Sincerely,
> > Edna
> > The postal worker was touched. He showed the
> > letter to all the other
> > workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet
> > and came up with a few
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're
going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor
fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a
doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had
happened to her ears and she answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the
phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
Daddy's gonna eat your fingers
This one is worth passing on to for everyone who:
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?" Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simpl
Jokes And Funny Stories
Okay, a woman originally posted this, but when I read it, I had to add it.....lmao
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were
The Shit List
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your arse and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're a
Jokes Nd Politics, Same Difference
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson
at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son
was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the
very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.
"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse
shoe over the door for luck and then study late into
the night hoping to pass our classes."
"But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe." After 10 years of marriage sex with my wife is down to
three times a year."
"Same here pal. "
"As a matter of fact, if mine didn't sleep with her mouth open,
I'd have none at all." New Rumsfeld Memo Urges Firing Rumsfeld
Calls Axing Self Key to Iraq Strategy
In a newly leaked memo written my forr Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld just hours before he resigned from his position, Mr. Rumsfeld proposes firing himself as the cornerstone of a new strategy for the war in Iraq.
The memo offers fascinating insight into the thought process of the em
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a local restaurant. Soon he
starts looking over at a woman reordering drinks as she sits alone at
another table. The wife noting this asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," he sighs, I recognized her. She's an ex-girlfriend. I once heard that
she took to drinking right after we split up seven or more years ago. Someone
told me that she hasn't been sober since."
"My word!" exclaims the wife, "Amazing to think she could go on celebrating
for that long?" Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for
there is a couple who are 65 yrs young and go out to dinner for thier 30th wedding anniversary while they are at thier table a little fairy pops in and says to congrat you to on all your yrs togther thru the good times and the bad times i am going to give you both one wish . The wife is so happy she says a want a romantic cruise around the world . So the fairy wavws her magic waund and puff two tickets for a romantic cruise around the world pop into the womans hand . Now the fairy tells the man it is his turn , the man thinks and turns to his wife and say sorry honey but this is a once in a life time oppertunity and wishes for a woman who is 20 yrs younger than he is ........the wife bows her head and starts to cry the fairy says ok i promised you your wish so the fairy waves her waund and poff the man was 85 yrs old......... A little boy is pulling hie little red wagon down the street in front of a church where the pastor is standing outside , when the boy gets in front of the church
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Bring a chair along.
5. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
6. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
7. Do Tai Chi exercises.
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
10. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
11. Lean against the button panel.
12. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
13. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
14. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other people "through" it.
15. Start a sing-along.
16. Crack open y
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
So does anyone want to help my tummy get blown up? Dogs...
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my master I get so horney I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning
Jokes Frineds Sent Me Too My Email
>Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were
>lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
>As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was
>so ashamed. Grandma didn't know her occupation.
>Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.
>Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to
>Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
>When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said
>"How the heck do you do this at your age?"
>She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"
>The policeman fainted. And not get slapped
01. Talk about a huge breast!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It's Cool Whip time!
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
05. That's one terrific spread!
06. I'm in the mood for a l
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call for a Woman in labor.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,
A 4yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see
While he helped deliver the baby.
Diligently and,very wide-eyed, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Her mother Susanna pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him hard on his bottom.
And Connor began to cry.
The paramedic thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the little 4-yr
Old what she thought about what she had just seen.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
First place..... Spank him again!" A four year old little boy was at the doctors office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks Why is your stomach so
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
> However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors
told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown
up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair was three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black
letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave
ticket to last week."
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn righ
Give me som love Motha Fuggas.
Have a crazy weekend!
Have fun like....
PANGLOFF.com I spent all day at the hospital with my dad. He was found to have a cancer nodule on his left lung. After 4 hours of surgery he returned with 30% of his left lung removed. I got to see my uncle again, havent seen him in 15 years. Hopefully my trip to Virginia will take my mind off of it. I guess i'll see.
-c The best answer to the joke blog is.......
"One day this lesbian was going down on the other. She takes a couple licks and finds a piece of corn then a pea, looks up and says, "Hey lady, are you sick"?
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at
him, and as they get closer, she says hello.
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his
wife and says, "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
had sex with and all my buddies watched, while your partner whipped
me with a wet celery stick?"
After a moment, she said, "No, I am your son's math teacher."
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"
Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.
The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.
A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch
of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps. *Avoiding
caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. *Drink 6-8 glasses of
water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed
a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman
that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.
Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go
ahead...I triple-dog-friggen- dare-ya.. . See what happens and report
back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate
From the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders
Will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cram
Please don't delete this until you send it on, Let's
> send it around the
> FRIENDS ARE BORN, NOT MADE
> This is a poem being sent from a Marine to his Dad.
> For those who take the time to read it, you'll see a
> letter from him to
> his Dad at the bottom. It makes you truly
> thankful for not only the
> but ALL of our troops.
> THE MARINE
> We all came together,
> Both young and old
> To fight for our freedom,
> To stand and be bold.
> In the midst of all evil,
> We stand our ground,
> And we protect our country
> From all terror around.
> Peace and not war,
> Is what some people say.
> But I'll give my life,
> So you can live the American way.
> I give you the right
> To talk of your peace.
> To stand in your groups,
> and protest in our streets.
> But still I fight on,
> I don't bitch, I don't whine.
> I'm just one of the people
> Who is doing your time.
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
You were married, or wish you weren't married, this
Is something to smile about the next time you see a
Bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business
Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
Woman just sat silently, looking intently at
Everything she saw, studying every little detail,
Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
Jokes & Funny Shit
CHANGES IN MARRIAGE
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...... at all times
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets
"The world's hardest riddle", I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?
97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
In 6 minutes or less.
Can you guess the riddle?
Just repost this bulletin with the title;
"The world's hardest riddle",
And then check your inbox.
You'll get a message,
with the correct answer in it.
AND TRUST ME;
IT WAS THE MOST SIMPLEST THING YOU WOULDNT HAVE GUESSED check your inbox
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxa
Subject: The Late Shift
>A police officer, though scheduled for all night duty at the station, was
>relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at
>2:00 in the morning.
>Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the
>bedroom and started to climb into bed.
>Just then, h is wife sleepily sat up and said, "Sweetie, would you go down
>to the all night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've
a splitting headache."
>Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he
>got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
>As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
>druggist, "I know you -- aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
>Yeah, so?" said the officer.
>Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Subject: Fw: Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with m
This is fun to do.
Just read the offense and if you've done it, you owe that fine.
Keep going until you've read each offense and added up your totalfine.
You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of yourfine.
Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -
A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!" "Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you." "But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!" "But dad, LOOK HOW BIG AND FAT THAT LADY IS!" "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!" Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off. "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!" An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when thi
Jokes And Funny Stories
My day started off good until my wife got up.
She jumped on her menstral cycle and ran my ass over.
Nag, nag, nag, nag.... biiittchh, bitch, bitch, bitch, biiittttccccchhhhhh A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!" A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a
Joke Of The Day
CherryTAP Bulletin!MAKE STICKY!
subject: CHECK OUT THE LOVELY LADIES IN THE XMAS CONTEST PLZ REPOST (repost)
date: 2006-12-19 12:12:41
COME CHECK OUT THESE LOVELY LADIES!!!! THE WINNERS OF THIS CONTEST ARE THE TOP 3 WITH THE MOST COMMENTS SO SPREAD YOUR HOLIDAY CHEER AND CHERRY LUV AROUND. SOME OF THEM GOT A LATE START SO GO GIVE THEM SOME BOMBING TO HELP THEM OUT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ LEAPFROGET ~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DJ HOOCHIE ~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CATLADY ~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~ TEXAS BELLE ~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOST ~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~ FIESTY REDHEAD ~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~ CUTIE W/A BOOTY ~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~ CWGIRLATTITUDE ~~~~~~~~
~~ SPANK ME & TELL ME I'M NAUGHTY ~~
~~~~~~~~~ LOVIN THE CHERRIES ~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LUVBUG ~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~ WIKKED MAMI ~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~ DLUZIONAL CHE
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
>> kinds of boobies are there?
>> The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
>> breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round
>> firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
>> hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
>> "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
>> This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how
>> many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
>> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
>> through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,
>> mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
>> but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
>> "A Christmas tree?"
>> "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!
Twas the night before
A Joke, So You Can Smile.
The seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in
and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we
finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of
the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead,
Dopey ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young
man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says. "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go
ahead and ask.
Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies,
"Well, Yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey,
ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues,
"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To whic
Who started the first computer club?
A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked. "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town." Well said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?" "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk
to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that
Pa charges $50 for the b
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" CURSED FOR UR NEXT 5 BIRTHDAYS! IF U DONT REPOST
Funny Graphics General Comments codes
Myspace Code Generators Layouts
got the last seven questions wrong too. But this is so funny _______________________________ A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the pr
Three Tampons are walking down the street; Mini, Maxi and Super. Which one says hello first?
None: They're all stuck up bitches!!!
Ok, I thought it was funny....have a great day!
Compliments of this guy...
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that
would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench eve
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean
old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day....
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
Jokes (mine - No Guarantees)
(More a sketch of a joke than the real thing (alright, alright no excuses))
"Remember the Maine (subject!)"
(This will make no sense unless one gets this reference in advance and knows about the battlecry. I learned about it in high school, back when my HS was, well... more distraction, but that's appropriate enough, yes?)
(edit: meant to be a pun, not an attempt to restart a century-old war. Just to clarify, yes...) frets all the time ... :) Saw two mumms being voted on in my bar tab.
One was titled You know you want to!
The next was titled Why?
Yep, my thoughts exactly, leave or take a raspberry (not directed at the original poster, whoever it was) and laugh (likewise).
Jokes (adult Content)
MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips... The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile...
If u have sex 365 times a yr and u melted down all the condoms 2 make a tire... What would u call it? A fuckin goodyear!
Sex is like playing spades... If u don't have a good partner, u better have a good hand...
Big Bad Wolf told lil red ridin hood lift ur top so i can suck ur tits... No, she said while lifting her sk
Where Babies Come From
One afternoon, little Janie returned home from school and announced to her Mom that a friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, Mom replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"
Little Janie explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes. Then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."
Mom shook her head gently, leaned over to look little Janie in the eye and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry." A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before. He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy f
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks(Sweden)?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay?
A: What did your last slave die of?
Joke Of The Day
A woman was distraught because she had not dated in a long time. Her doctor suggested she visit a Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Wang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang said, "OK. Take off your crows." The woman did so and stood naked before him. "Now," Dr. Wang said, "get down on your knees and craw very fast away from me to the other side of the room." She got down on all fours and crawled away from him. "Now craw back," he said. She did as he asked. Dr Wang shook his head. "Your problem is very bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Worst case I ever saw. Thats why you dont have dates." Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary disease?" Wang replied, "Your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass." The morning after a wild party, a man noticed two rings on his dick. He went to a doctor, who told him "The good news is that the first ring is lipstick." "Whats the bad news?" the hungover man asked. the doctor replied, "The second ring is chewing tobacco." A new sexual position ha
A woman had been in a coma for months.
>A nurse gave her a sponge bath every day.
>One day as she was washing her private area she noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. She told the other nurses and they tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable response.
>They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
>"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
>The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
>The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
>After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all.
>The nurses run back into the room.
>"What happened!?" they cried.
>The husband said, "I'm not sure. Maybe she choked". >Guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which
>CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down the
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. But yhe thinks for awhile and thinks, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?
"Ye walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The Irish, unsatisfied with those findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and many pints of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
Of course ya all know why God made alcohol......???
To keep the Irish from taking over the world..............
TICKLE ME ELMO
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hi
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.
1. You don't have to curl up to a hairy ass every night.
2. Same work - more pay.
3. You don't care if nobody notices your new haircut.
4. Foreplay is optional.
5. Nobody wonders if you swallow.
6. Your orgasms are real.
7. Porn movies are designed for you.
8. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
9. Car mechanics always tell you the truth.
10. You can be a genius - when you're plugged into your wife.
HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD LAUGH!
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements.
**Ladies if you get these lame lines here is what you can say back to them**
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. I. Thou shalt get out before the sun rises
II. Thou shouldest never ask "can we see each other from now on?"
III. Thou shalt refrain from referring to our activities as "love making."
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may
14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.
13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."
11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."
9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.
6) You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
Two blones walk into a ark theatre to watch a movie they sit down and a guy coms and sits beside one of them. After a while she leans over toher friend and says, "The guy next to me is jerking off!"
the otherblonde says, "Oh just ignore him!"
thefirst blonde says, "I can't he is useing my hand."
Why parents drink...
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone
Nurses ask too many questions!!!
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to
answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us
have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wr
THIBODAUX & BOUDREAUX JOKES
For Adults only
Boudreaux was walking down the wharf and he met up with Thibodaux. He says to Thibodaux, "Hey podna, how ya'll are?" Thibodaux says, "May ok." Boudreaux says,"And hows your wife?" Thibodaux says, "May my wifes an angel." Boudreaux says"You lucky, my wifes still living!"
Boudreaux and Thibodaux died and went to Heaven. When they got to the Gate, they met ol' Saint Pete. They said, "Saint Pete, beb, how you been?" and Saint Pete said, "Mais ok, sha, but ah got bad news for you Boudreaux. You been so bad on Earth, you got to spend all Eternity with a ugly woman." Boudreaux was pretty sad but he said, "Well, if ah hafto, ah hafto." So the next day him and his ugly woman was walking down the golden street when they saw Thibodaux and he was with Cindy Crawford! So Boudreaux went talk to Saint Pete. He said, "Saint Pete, sha, come see. Ah think we got a mistake here. How come Thibodaux gets Cindy Crawford and Ah got stuck with a ugly wom
Two women have a boozy night out on the town and as they make their way home, they feel an urgent call of nature. One woman says drunkenly to her mate, "The cemetry is just up the road...we can nip in there, have a wee behind the old gravestones and nobody will see us!"
So they stagger in, find a couple of suitable old headstones to duck down behind and relieve themselves. "I haven't got anything to have a wipe with." Complains one woman.
"I'm gonna use my knickers and chuck 'em!" Says the other.
"Not bloody likely!!" says the first, "I'm wearing designer knickers at 40 quid a pair and there's no way i'm chucking them!"
In desperation, she hunts around and manages to find a nice fresh wreath, so she picks it up and uses that! Satisfied, the two women stumble off and continue home.
The following morning, one woman's boyfriend telephones the other woman's boyfriend, "I think we'll have to keep and eye on our girlfriends mate, mine came home last night without any knickers!"
A friend of mine was up late one night playing on the internet. The next morning while we were on the phone, he decided to forward some of the messages to me. Please know that he is normal by all standards, this was only in good fun!
Ok, first we have the girl with vegetable fetish. Now, I don’t knock anyone with a fetish…but vegetables?
HER: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
HIM: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
HER: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
HIM: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see.
Then, I’m not sure how this one got started, but I can tell you it ended in me never asking him to bring me a pizza.
HER: what do you look like?
HIM: I've got blonde hair and blue eyes, and I work out a lot. I've got a part tim
Jokes N Stuff
And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. Ft.
House 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
Roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
Strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
A Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
Can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. Room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
Few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
Baseball hit by a ce iling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh"
Looking for a Husband A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you! She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said... "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
Jokes To Send Us All To Hell !
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
Q. What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
A. It takes only one nail to hang a painting.
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to
Jokes And Such
God Said, "Adam I Want you to do
something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?" !
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the rive
Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."
Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.
Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Now, you know everything you need to know!
A teacher asked her class to make a sentence using
the word "fascinate".
Molly put up her hand up and said, "My family went
to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you
to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to
see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could
damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten
The teacher sat down and cried.
Why Sex Toys are Better Than Men
1. They don't talk back.
2. You don't have to worry about STD's.
3. You don't have to worry about getting pregnant.
4. You don't have to worry about your toy cheating on you.
5. You don't have to worry about it lying to you.
6. It's there for you no matter what.
7. You don't have to worry about where it is or what it is doing.
8. You never have to wonder about what it is thinking.
9. It likes you regardless of what you look like.
10. You don't have to worry if its going to call you the next day.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
Sarah: "I think I stubbed my vagina again."
Girl: "You can stub your vagina?"
Sarah: "Well I don't know about you but I can." I wouldn't give a chick 10 cent to put cheese on a Whopper. 1) A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
2) A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
3) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
4) A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
5) A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
6) A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
7) A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
8) A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
9) You won't find out that a cucumber is: married, on penicillin, or trying to screw your sister.
10) A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
11) A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
12) A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
13) All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
14) You can keep as many cucumbers a
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone
And last, but
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...
but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
but the girl said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up
the money very fast...
he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters!"
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it
Jokes And Funnies
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly as
A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible
out of the car salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it
to 90 Mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he
had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying
pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly
Nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too
old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the Police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the
police officer Walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and
I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned
on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed, "Oh shit, it started."
One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets th
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in privat
Jokes I Like:)
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support waiter.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem.
How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day eac
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,
he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment,
I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said,
"Then, why do you give a shit?"
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
>One for the ladies
>One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
>shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
>"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
>"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
>He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
>And they say blondes are dumb...
>A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
>"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
>The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
>"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
>the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
>the lawn like this?"
>"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water whic
IT WAS LIKE THIS YOUR HONOR
Judy actually kept her mammogram appointment. She was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All you need do is step into this room here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. 'Everything clear?" Judy was thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call Judy crazy, but she suspected a man invented this machine.
It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's Spandex.
We can't be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. Belinda flipped her (literally) to the left and said, Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," she answered. Judy was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining cir
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a
loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual
jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large,
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and
holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with
his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested
that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a
little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said
Okay so a guy is
end of his
year in high school.
he still has to share a room with his
brother who is only 9
One night, he decides to bring his
for a little fun.
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
brother is already
on the lower bunk, so he and his
to the top bunk.
might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother
sleeping below so he tells
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
harder and "tomato" if
wants a new position.
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
all over my
Jokes And Funnies
"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to
this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since
we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer.
"What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked.
"Puppy size!" replied the mother.
"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."
"I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration....
Just then Danielle came walking into the office.
"Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time,"
Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.
"You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's
always a supply," the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't
worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.
Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversa
1. I can see your point, but I
still think you're full of sh*t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
The Wife stays home a house wife. The husband comes home from work wife asks honey can you fix the toilet husband says what the fuck do i look like the roater rooter man? Next day husband comes home wife asks honey can you fix the washer husband says what the fuck do I look like The maytag repair man. Next day husband comes home everything was fixed so he asks his wife honey who fixed this and how much did it cost? Wife says well the nieghbor guy fixed it and i either had to give him a blow job or bake him a cake. Husband says well what kind of cake did you bake him? wife says what the fuck do I look like Betty crocker?
A husband and wife lying in bed ..husband nugdes wife and says honey I want some im in the mood...wife says no leave me alone.. a few minutes later he nudges her again come on honey I'm in need bad.. she says no leave me alone i mean it..I have an ob?gyn appt in the morning and i want to be clean and fresh!!! A few minutes later husband nudges her and says well babe do u have a dentist appt too?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.?
Here are some examples:?
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.? They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the wei
I WILL SEEK AND FIND YOU,
I WILL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU,
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE AND SWET TILL YOU MOAN AND GROAN,
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY AND BEG FOR ME TO STOP,
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN IM FINISHED WITH YOU,
YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS..........
ALL MY LOVE THE FLU XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,
"You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal,
who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy" then turned to Mary and
"As for you, young la
Joke: The Statue
A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. 'Don't move! You're a statue!' The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she. The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"
Joke Time, We All Need A Laugh! Please Comment And Rate Ty!
For those I did not get a chance to send this to, You must laugh today :D
What does a kiss taste like? (ty Earth Angel)
Current mood: flirty
WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?
The day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a
little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked!
"Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little
"Okay, I'll give you a clue," said the teacher.
"It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!
It's a piece of ass!"
Stray Pussy-(Thanks Linda)
Current mood: restless
One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named h
Jokes N Stuff
You Grew Up In Rural Iowa If . . .
You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.
You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping
between the wedding and reception.
You know the difference between "Green" and "Red" farm machinery, and
would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!
You buy Christmas presents at Farm and Country .
More is spent on beer & liquor than food at weddings.
You or someone you know was a " Fair Queen" at the county fair.
You know that "combine" is a noun AND a verb.
You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a
steel post in the middle of winter.
You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
You know that "creek" rhymes with "pick".
Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into
consideration before wedding dates are set.
A Friday n
Joke Of The Day!
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic
surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting
a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning
that needed to be done at their house.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes,and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn
Jokes Of Tha Day
Why when a waitress asks someone who doesn't drink alcohol if they'd like "a drink", why does that person always answer, "No thanks, I don't drink. I'll just have a soda."
I mean...dude, you just ordered a soda...that's a fuggin' drink...
Why not just, "Sure, I'll have a soda."
Waitress says, "Would you like some coffee?" Guy says, "No thanks I don't drink coffee."
How about, "Not for me thanks."
Guy offers you a cigarette, "No thanks, I don't smoke."
Maybe just say, "No thank-you."
"Hey should I drive?"
"No, we'll take my B'mer."
Try, "Nah it's fine we can take my car."
Leave a comment and tell me what ya think.
okay so a guy is
end of his
year in high school.
he still has to share a room with his
brother who is only 9
One night, he decides to bring his
for a little fun.
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
brother is already
on the lower bunk, so he and his
to the top bunk.
might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother
sleeping below so he tells
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
harder and "tomato" if
wants a new position.
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
all over my
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine
Created a p*ssy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit,
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
By using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee,
He touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt,
He sucked it and f*cked it and called it a cunt
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients,
Lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicke
DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide" The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." English to English Translations
Take your time.
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: T
Why Women Are Crabby
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and wate
Grandma & Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and expensive". "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill", answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to use one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put money under the pillow!" Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00" "I know", said Grandpa, "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Jokerz Vengence Cycle
Black Smiling Lips
Dead, Whit Skin
Black Diamonds Around the Eyes
There's Darkness Inside
It's head Jingles With Rage
A Smile That does So Decieve
It Laughs In the Night
He Brings Terror to Others Lives
Amusement that Leads to Death
A Power to Make You Forget All
Misery That Likes Company
He's Coming For You
Watch Out for the Joker
There's No Escaping His Rage!!!! Hiding the Anger
My Anger and Rage, It hides inside
So many triggers and still itwill hide
People try to find the red button todestruction,
They try so hard and every button's adeduction
The longer i hold it, the less it takes toburst,
I'll stay strong as I can as a rule in thefirst.
My Mind is a strong one, no doubt aboutthat,
But the Anger continues to nibble like a hungry little rat
There's tools I use to keep it at ease
Tools that work wonders and make the Rage freeze
A form ofmeditation that others find weird,
As long as they work, fora time the rage will disappea
Some day I'll fin
1. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
2. In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile
services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number
the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and
up, but no channel 1.
3. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter
4. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The
following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced,
thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after
falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
5. The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are
antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
6. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter
7. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order,
as does arsenious, meaning "contain
Dog's Diary entries...
>8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
>9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
>9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
>10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
>12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
>1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
>3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
>5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
>7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
>8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
>11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
>Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
>Day 683 of my captivity.
> My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort
of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing
that keeps me
What is the definition of trust?
Trust is two cannibals having oral sex!
Jokes And Other Funny Stuff I Find
I'm creating this blog so I can post all the funny jokes I find across the net and theres alot. I hope e1 enjoys them as much as I do. I think ones personality comes out when we discover what makes them laugh.
1. Men are like .. Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very
Joke Or Not
http://cherrytap.com/viewimage.php?u=480938&albumid=367867&i=198560648 CAN YOU TAKE A JOKE AS WELL AS JOKE WITH OTHERS IM A JOKER BY NATURAL CAUSES BORN CLOWN AND READY TO PLAY BUT HAVE SOME SERIOUS SIDES LIKE THE SIDE SHOW AT THE CIRCUS SIDE SHOW AS COMEDIAN ON STAGE THATS ALL MY SIDES YOU GOT ONE.
The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.
I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose.
I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.
"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.
She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..."
"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.
We became instant friends. Every day for
Joke Of The Day
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said '6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "Well, what the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "Well that's what I said!"
So i have this friend that i have been talking to a lot lately. And she calls me this morning after i had gotten home from work and we are talking about stuff ( we have been talking about getting a place together for the last week). In the middle of our conversation she starts talking about how she was talking to Troy (her ex) and he told her that he had a dream about her and in this dream she told him she loves him. Normally this wouldn't bother me much because we are just friends, but when i'm with this friend if she talks about a guy she likes i get thi
I was wondering... do your kids have a friend that YOU can't stand?
I don't know why, but my son has this friend that I absolutely cant stand & part of me feels horrible for it. He (the child) comes over, barely says 2 words to me or my husband (but my husband really doesn't talk to him), tells my son his rooms messy so he don't want to play with him BUT ITS A PLAY ROOM!! It doesn't have to be spotless!!! LOL... he'll come over for 5 - 10 minutes & leave. Or my son will go over there & in 5 minutes he's back home. When I ask why, he tells me "said friend" told him to leave. Then if they are playing, & its for more then 5 mins... they'll be outside then ask to come in & play. When I tell them no, its a beautiful day out, they slump & go out & then in 2 mins my son is inside telling me he went home.
I don't want to be the bad mom, but I don't care if I'm the cool mom either. Unless it's raining, they should be outside playing. We both have decent size yards & tons of toys!
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.
So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
Two deaf people get married
TASER GUN -- Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on yourassailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spo
Jokes,riddles,& Stuff That Make U "stop & Think"!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
> > together. I know, it sounds unlikely, but, bear with me. It gets
> > better.
> > Anyway, one day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog
> > and began to sink.
> > Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
> > farmer for help!
> > Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
> > searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
> > to town with the only tractor.
> > Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
> > Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length
> > of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
> > Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
> > chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
> > the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
> > After tying the other end to the rear b
WORSE YET WIREDEST PICKUP LINES, JOKES AND POEMS SOME MIGHT WORK CHECK THEM OUT
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all I like your ass
I'm a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says I love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
NEW WORDS FOR 2007:
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3.ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of
Joke: Why Parents Have Grey Hair
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It
was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos,
her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than
I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
Joke: Job Interview
Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of. "That's very good," replied the interviewer.
"And now you, sir," he asked the second man. "Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very i
Joke: Sip The Vodka, Don't Gulp
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka, dont gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, dont say he was
Joke: Never Argue With A Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
My Prays an Thought's go out to everyone who has lost someone or had something Taken from them on this day 11/9/01 though it has been now 6yrs it still makes me cry an wonder "WHY" this was done for? So My Prayes an Thought's are with you all.
Bye for now Your Good Friend Brian Kelly.
Here in Australia. A man was extremely overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, he told
Him. Do this for two weeks. Then next time I see you, you should
Have lost a few kilos.
When the man came back two weeks later, he had lost 10 kilos.
Thats amazing! the doctor said. And you did this just by
Following that simple diet plan?
The man nodded. Ill tell you, though , I thought I was going to drop
Dead the third day.
From hunger, you mean? the doctor asked.
No, from skipping!
A women was driving her nine-year-old granddaughter to a
why do people lie
why do they have to pretend to be something there not
why do men promise the would and never come threw with what they promises why is it that men say oh ill have to move to TX and tell U that they will do all they can to be with U
why I ask my self all the time why not only men but women lie theirs no reason to lie the truth always will come out no matter what I think people need to be real to me and to there self face reality and know that yr never going to come to TX or even try to get to know me plez don't try leading me on its not going to work im tired of people playing mind games my I would be better of alone and not worries about nothing ever ok I guess im mumbling to my self again ha !! but though I would write down how I fell at the moment and vent it out on a blog pay no attion to me im crazy but i ask not to lead me on at all just be my friend thats all i ask dont make me keep my hopes up Sex with the Teacher
A 13 year-old boy com
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor." A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please ma
1) You have to take out the garbage. 2) Being told to put the seat down. 3) No sofas in your restrooms. 4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. 5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry. 6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years. 7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours. 8) You have to wear ties. 9) You can't flirt you way out of a traffic ticket. 10) "Women and children first." There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complet
http://www.cherrytap.com/stashEntry.php?stashId=1103483 The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not
be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have th
And God created woman. And she was good. And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts. God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. God removed her middle breast. And it was good. She stood there with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with this useless boob?..... And God created Man.
First god created earth, then he rested...
Then he created man, then he rested...
Then he created women and no one has rested since!
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue
Joke: It's All Relative
Subject It's all relative........ Body: >> >>>>> >> >>>>> >WHO IS JACK SCHITT >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack >> >>>>>Schitt? >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know >> >>>>>Jack Schitt!' >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >Well,thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an >> >>>>> >intellectual way. >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >Jack Schitt is the only son of >>Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the >> >>>>> >fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. >> >>>>>Schitt, Inc. >> >>>>> >They had one son, Jack. >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious >> >>>>>couple >> >>>>> >produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, >> >>>>> >Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip >> >>>>>Schitt. >> >>>>> > >> >>>>> >Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb >> >>>>>Schitt, a >> >>>>> >highs chool dropout.. >> >>>>> >After being marri
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
'Bartender, got any specials today?'
Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff
The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?'
The bartender replied, 'It's a 'Pabst Smir'' One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopp
Orgasms happen in different degrees
they can be mild as a half-hearted sneeze
but sometimes an orgasm makes people twitch
ans the feeling is better than scratching an itch
occasionally orgasms feel really hot
and a moan is released when it hits the spot
some orgasms make people burst at the seams
and the whole room will echo with mind-blowing screams
but the pleasure that can make the whole body fizz
is the multiple orgasm - rare as it is
yes orgasms thrill causing shivers and shakes
but the commonest kind is the one that she fakes!! I HATE MY JOB
If you really hate your job, then follow the instructions.
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your fa
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it develops:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These Alabama boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in
Joke Of The Day..
Two aliens landed in the Texas desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older
alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I
don't think you should make him mad"
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife >>goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a >>ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
>>'Yeah right!" she says.
>>A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The >>wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to >>the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around >>the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is >>amazed!
>>Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking >>with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring >>loudly.
>>The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the >>closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her >>husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps >>soundly.
>>The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
to all my Southern Friends
"FRIENDS" VS. "SOUTHERN" FRIENDS
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHREN FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will forward th
17. "I finished the Oreo's."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Ye
A Joke For Tony
One day a man and his granddaughter were sitting on the front porch swing.. and the little girl looks up and asks, "Grandpa, will you please make the sound of a frog.. will you pleaseeeeeeee?" the little girl pleaded for. With a perplexed look on the man's face he looks down and said, "Why do you want me to make the sound of a frog?" The little girl then looks up with a very excited look on her face and says.. "Grandma says when you croak.. we're going to Florida"
Sorry Tony.. I had to. This was too good to pass up. I know.. "Angel come here for your spanking" LOL!!!
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to
Mom and Dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies," Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies," Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue."
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
"I have a better idea, " she replied. " Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed.
"Good, " she replied... " Get your own fucking blanket. "
After a stunned moment of silence, he farted
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
This man was on a flight to Canada.
This gorgeous woman got on the plane with him, and sat down beside him.
So he decided to pass the time and talk to her.
"Are you going to Canada for a vacation ?" he asked.
"No, she replied; "I'm actually going to the International Nympomaniacs Conference."
"I am their guest speaker".
"Well what would you find to talk about at one of these conferences", he asked.
She replied, " well I have found out alot of interesting facts in my study."
"For instance, people always assume that African American males are the most well hung, which in fact, it is the Native American indian.
"And, people always assume that Italian men are the best lovers, when in fact, it is Jewish men that are the best lovers."
"And I have found that Southern rednecks have the staying power and are able to
She looks at him, and says, "What did you say your name was again?"
He replies; "My name is Tonto Goldstein, but they call me Bu
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting r
Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable with negativity.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
We're taking Continental" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing
Thanks to "Antzilla" for this joke :)
> A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at
> the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her
> and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
> "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm
> celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and
> asked, "What are you celebrating?"
> "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all
> my hens were infertile, but today they're finally
> "What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and
> I have been trying to have a child. Today, my
> gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your
> chickens become fertile?" she asked.
> "I switched cocks," he replied.
> "What a coincidence," she said. The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and gr
A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $6.50.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeeper replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly,
the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right on the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and
I had this sent to me in an email off a very dear friend of mine that I have known for years, so I trust his judgment and thought I had better forward this information on to everyone I know
Health and Safety Warning
Please do not swallow your chewing gum!!!!!!!!!!
This is what could happen if you do, you have been warned!!!!!!!!!
17. Evening Massage - 6PM
16. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
15. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
14. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
13. Low self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday from 7 to 8 pm. Please use back door.
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices
that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We
drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to
worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as
Joke: "makin' A Baby"
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
"Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words
several times before the patient's eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw
the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent.
He reached out his hand.
The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones,
squeezing a message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.
All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted
ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and
strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine
move away and rest awhile.
He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine
was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital -
the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members
Joke Of The Day
Good Morning All
Just a little joke to start your day, your going to love this one
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota, which makes the
Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself,
so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's.
What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
Kids will eat snot.
A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.
The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".
The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"
When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"
The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat fir
he wanted a jar for his teeth a man goes to the doctors and says ive got a steering wheel stuck in my pants, doctor says that must be painfull man says yes its driving me nuts.
jane im in hospital i have poisoned myself, i ate a daffidil but instead of a onion, the doctor says its ok itll will be out in spring.
what do you call an irish window salesman? patio doors
how many irish men does it take to change a light bulb?
100 1 to change the lightbulb and 99 to spin the room around.
what do you get if you put 12 naked women in a deep frezze?
24 blue tits. a man dies and goes to heaven.
god says you can take one earthly object with you to the spirit world child
man smiles enthusiasticay at god and said can i take a jar to put
REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY!
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat..
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their newwives duties.The 1st man had married an Asian woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.The 2nd man had married a White woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.The 3rd man married a Samoan woman. He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.He said the 1st day he didn't' see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
What do u call to skunks in the 69 position?
Anwser odor eaters
Dearest Redneck Daughter,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not to sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried and hot because it took him ! two hours to get me an
Jokes Ect Ect
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn_oKGfXwDs WHAT WOULD GUYS DO WITH A VAGINA???
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
What women would do if they had a penis for a day
--------------------------------------------------- - ---------------------------
What women would do if they had a penis for a day!!
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."
The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."
The clerk replies "Anything?"
"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.
He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."
She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."
She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."
She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?" A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but she had only listed information for the one named "Leroy".
"Actually, all three of my sons are named Leroy," replied the
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
AND,just thought for all the women out there........
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause............
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?..........
And when we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Share this with a friend!
What's the difference between Yo mama and a water buffalo? About 25 pounds.
The other day when I went over to your house to visit your sister, Yo mama ran out from under the porch and bit my leg.
Yo mama reminds me of a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.
Yo mama's blind and seeing another man.
Yo mama's glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map, she can see people waving at her.
Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
I would talk about Yo dad but I don't like to brag.
Yo mama's glasses are so thick, she can burn ants with them.
Yo mama applied for a job at a strip club but they already had a stage.
Yo mama's glasses are so thick, a blind person could see with them.
Yo mama's so cold, when she spreads her legs, a little light comes on.
Hey I'm jealous! Yo mama's dick is bigger than mine.
I seen Yo mama on the corner with a mattress on her back yelling "Curb service!"
Yo mama's dick is so big, she makes yo daddy jealo
A guy decides he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almo
two mokeys in a bath
one monkeys goes ooohhh ooohh ooohhh
the others says well put some cold water in then
The 1st Affair
> A married man was having an affair with his > secretary. > > One day they went to her place and made love all > afternoon. > Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. >
> The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to > take his shoes > outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. >
> He put on his shoes and drove home. >
> "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. >
> "I can't lie to you," he replied, >
> "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex > all > afternoon." >
> She looked down at his shoes and said: >
> "You lying bastard! >
> "You've been playing golf!" > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > >
The 2nd Affair
> > > > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters > but always > talked about having a son. >
> They decided to try one last time for the son they > always > wanted. >
> The wife got
Joke Of The Day
a women goes to the doc ofice and say doc i got a rash on my pussy the doc looks and says hmm how often do u have sex? the women replies 2 times a year. he doc looks and says thats not a rash thats rust on your pussy.. i asked santa for a condom and i got 3.. so i then asked saanta for a dollar n i got ten so i stop and thought to myself n then it hit me i asked santa for a hoe and i got ur ( who ever is reading this blog ) number
The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Jokes And Stuff
LITTLE BOY AT NUDE BEACH
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa . As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets
i don't know if anyone has seen the new " dukes of hazzard " movie but 2 jokes made me piss myself laughing ..... #1 what do you call a farmer with sheep under each arm ? ...... a playboy lmao #2 what do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion ? ........ a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye roflmao why do divorces cost so much ? ............ cause their worth it lmao
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees
The perfect husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent
Jokes For Men And Women
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
1. What is the new gay internet address? ---C: enter
2. What did the lesiban frog say to the other lesiban frog? They're right we do taste like chicken
3.What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are You shaking for? She's going to eat me!
4. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning? They have no balls to scratch
Hope u enjoy these jokes will try to find more.
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said,
"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $80,000 and your
mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out
the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room
last night and I heard
you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait because
she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with an
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
>husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to unction; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
" Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't
Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whiskey they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"
The difference is that a City Piegon doesn't have shit between its toe's like Country Piegon does..... A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The
said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and
Back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was
when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the
climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the
stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or
when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, Should
eat them here or take them with us?' "Well, I guess I just
A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, "wheres my money?"
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says "gets paid for sex."
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"
Little Lucy found her cat, Tiddles, lying on the ground with its eyes shut, and its legs stiff in the air. "Daddy! What's wrong with Tiddles?"
Daddy gently said, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy."
"But why are his legs sticking up in the air, Daddy?" asked Lucy, as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say, he replied, "Well, ah, Tiddles' legs are pointing up b
A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!" Visit www.hostdrjack.comHost Your Images & Videos FREE CLICK HERE!Visit www.hostdrjack.comHost Your Images & Videos FREE CLICK HERE!
WORLD WAR III IS COMING
President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"
Bush turns to the bartender and says,
"See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".
How Is Sex Like Riding A Bicycle?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW" 16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor
15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE:
Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)
14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary
13. Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?
12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14
11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All
Those Other People
10. Chapter 4: No, You Don't *Actually* Blow
9. Stop Masturbating, She's Real!
8. You're Britney, I'm Strom: Introduction to Role
7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chest
A lady and her Pharmacist
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like
to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. A woman asks "are all those kids your's?" He replies, "no, I work at the condom factory, these are customer complaints."
THE PURINA DIET! FUNNY
Body: I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!)
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works
is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
I told her no, I'
----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------Date: Mar 19, 2008 9:18 PMDon't Call Home For Money A 16-year-old boy comes home with a brand-new Porsche one day. As you might expect, his parents freak out a little bit. "Where on Earth did you get that car?" demands his mother. "I bought it today," the boy calmly replies "With what money?" his parents exclaim. "We know what a Porsche costs." "With my allowance money," answers the boy. "It was just 15 bucks. And look, here's the title to it!" This gets the parents even more worked up. "Fifteen bucks??? Who the heck sells a brand-new Porsche for fifteen bucks?" they ask. "It was the lady that just moved in up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Well, there must have been some kind of mistake," says the mother. Turning to her husband, she says, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father wal
Jokes That Make Me Laugh
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
"Private Part" hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that... Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)
"Well", he replied, "Today's the viewing." WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............
1. WE HAVE A
Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself,
"He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on.
"She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work, since she lived in the
country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arrivi
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
> > ?Larry throws up all over himself.
> > ?
> > ?"Oh, no...? Now my wife will kill me!"
> > ?
> > ?Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and
> > ?tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars
> > ?for the dry cleaning bill."
> > ?
> > ?So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
> > ?
> > ?Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
> > ?"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're
> > ?disgusting!"
> > ?
> > ?Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
> > "Nowainaminit, I can? e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only
> > had a cupla? drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too
> > many! and? he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an'
> > gave me? twennie bucks for the
One Liners That Make You Smile - Part One...
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO:
There are a few things that can be done in times of
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come
here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her and she starts s
A rich man and a redneck were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversaries.
The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."
The redneck asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"
The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The redneck acknowledges the rich man's answer, and then proceeds to tell him that he got his wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo.
With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?!"
The redneck replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself." This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking.
Tell ya what; I'
Joke Of The Day
It's a Saturday morning & Pete is just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the bloke who fixes the washing machine is coming around noon.
So Pete heads back to the clubhouse and phones home:
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Pete. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Pete says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car has just pulled up outside the house."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped o
Joke Of The Day!
A man was driving down the road when his car broke down. He walked down the road till he got to this farm house.
He walked up, knocked on the door, and the farmer came to the door.
"My car broke down up the road a bit and was wondering if I could stay here for the night til the tow truck arrives?"
The farmer replies,"Well that won't be a problem. But you will have to sleep in my sons room."
"Opps, sorry mister. I think I'm in th ewrong joke." THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
4. Cinnamon..... I can't even say this when I'm sober
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, offi
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but yo
7 Glance = 1 :)Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!
Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Robyn: I want 2 b a pilot.
Marvin: I want 2 b a doctor.
Tobey: I want 2 b a good mother.
Emon : I want 2 help Tobey.
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom
Indian Punjabi Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
17. When he puts the handcuffs
Joke: Don't Tell Me
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees?
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me?"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong?
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech.
At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech.
If you're going to tell me that, "grown-ups don't really get laid," I'll have nothing left to live for.
There was this drunk who said to the bartender, "I want a woman!" so the bartender gave him directions to a place.
The drunk was so messed up that he couldn't remember where the bartender told him to go. So he accidently walks into a Foot Doctor's office. The lady at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
he Drunk says, "Yes, I want some service."
So the lady replies, "Go in the other room and put it on the table." So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.
The lady comes in and says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, Give it time."
Jokers Wild Short Bus
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What's UP! Hey everyone! If you like REAL people and want to hang with the coolest around, ask Jokers wild to put you on the next bus out! They are filling up fast!!! After you hop on a bus check out the short bus lounge where once you subscribe to the lounge you can hang with the rest of the helmet wearing HOTTIES... and us window licking guys.
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This is pretty funny!
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided
that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked
know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to
him a post card, and write Spaghetti on the back. He would then
child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later,
to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very
post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it,"
wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the
white and collapsed.
On the card w
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per
Hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
Her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty
Years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don 't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And
she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and
Slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he
Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
And the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
Him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anythin
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving
in and out of the lanes.
The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a
breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that,
I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and
you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood
sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to
check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop
bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white
line for me."
Oh, no, I can't do
"Because I'm drunk."
Joke Of The Day!!
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella? Fo Drizzle...
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.
Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A. Come in eight flavors.
Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound
Why women should avoid a "girls night out" after they are married!..
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm
going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU
decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dove
in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All
Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter?
If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him. So, when his father arrived home from work, Little
Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad...
Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."
HE: YES. AT LAST. IT WAS SO HARD TO WAIT
SHE: DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?
HE: NO! DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT
SHE: DO YOU LOVE ME?
HE: OF COURSE! OVER AND OVER!
SHE: HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON ME?
HE: NO! WHY ARE YOU EVEN A
Gotta love Indiana:
Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Indiana. It is so beautiful here. The fields and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.
Oct. 14 - Indiana is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.
Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Indiana. I hope it snows soon.
I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Christmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I've written you for three years now asking for
A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.
First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer,
Jokes Nsfp Lol
Q: Whats worse then 10 dead babys nailed to 1 tree?
A: 1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees
Q: Whats the difference between a truck full of marbles and a tuuck full of dead babys?
A: You cant unload the marbles with a pich fork
Q: Whats the difference between a porch in a girage and a girage full of dead babys
A: I dont have a porch in my girag
Q: Whats pink and red and goes tap,tap,tap,BOOM?
A: baby in a microwave
this last one is really bad
Q: How do you make a 3 year old girl cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear
Q: How do you get a baby in to a milk jug?
A: Use a Blender
Q: How do you get it out??
A: Use a straw.
Q: What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing you allready told her twice.
Q: How do you turn a dish washer in to a snow plow?
A: Give her a shovel.
Q: Why do women wear white at there wedding?
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The Jokes My Daughters Text Me!
Niccaz treat pussy like gas, they fill up and leave.
So treat niccaz like gas stations, make them pay b4 they pump the teacher asked Tim, "Why is ur cat in school today?"
Tim (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm gonna
eat that pussy when the kid goes to school. Next time u call in sick 4 work, tell them you have
anal glaucoma. If they ask u whats that? Tell them
I can't see my ass coming 2 work
What do women and spaghetti have in common?
They both wiggle when u eat them. A man is of CANCER and his son asks "dad why do you keep telling people that you're dying of aids?" dad replies "so when i die, no one will want to fuck your mother."
A woman, fair of face and long of leg is standing on the G.W. Bridge preparing to jump. "Life is no good to me!", she thinks and steels herself for the rush of air as she plummets to her doom.
Just then, a merchant-marine shows up, screeches to a halt and hops out of his car. "What are you doing?", he asks. She responds by saying, "Life is awful - I'm going to end it all!"
With a look of sincerest pity, the marine says, "Listen, don't jump. I'm about to be shipped out to the Mediterranean. Why don't you come along with me. I'll stow you away on the ship, and when we get to the other side of the ocean, I'll give you a little money to get started - you can start a whole new life! All I ask in return is gratuitous sex on the trip over."
The woman considers this, thinking "A new life! - for a little sex?" Not only would she get a new life out of the deal, but the marine IS kinda handsome - sex won't be so bad at all.
"OK", she agreed. And with that, the marine took her
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing i
This just proves that we are to dependant on computers
Are you Male or Female?
To Find out look down...
I said look down, NOT SCROLL DOWN
Pussy is like a peach. It's fat, full of juice, & if you go deep enough u'll get a nut! how is a woman and a grapefruit alike? because when you eat a good one they squirt.
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered I'm going to have a
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have
frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out
of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is l
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before
I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor? Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
seems to me that when you ask someone to help you
and they do and then they turn around and say well this one is MORE important than you and taking you
at the last minute it is a little p[ainful & spiteful to sit here and gripe but i was promised that i would be taken to see my cousin t oday and then the person who is my friend turns and says well this lady promised me gas money AFTER i TOLD HIM I WOULD DO THE SAME AND EVEN FIX BREAKFAST for him too so he wouldnt get hungry. dont figure does it...hes achurch going 7th day adventist and i hate talkin behind him but Gods, last minute changes here does not work, i guess ill just have to go in the rain, get sick and whatever. grrrrrrr :( A man laid in a hospital bed, he was dying from some unknown problems...but his wife was by his bedside comforting him, he woke up seeing his wife he looked up and said....
Honey since iam dying i have to be honest with you,
i have been dating and seeing your girlfriend and sister....
17) "I CAN HAS DA NASTY WIT U?"
16) "Anonymity makes me even more handsome."
15) "Your *dot* has me anything but calm."
14) "Do you swear under penalty of perjury that you are neither employed in law enforcement nor by NBC?"
13) "Why don't you come down to my basement apartment in my mom's house and see me sometime?"
12) "I dunno. Do u *want* me 2 b 16?"
11) "I'm 13, really cute, and certainly not an undercover agent of any sort."
10) "i wud luv 2 get u ROF, even if u don't L."
9) "In cyberspace, no one can hear me scream your name."
8) "I've fully rebooted from my last relationship."
7) "Hey, my wife's going to be at some convention, any chance you could hitch a ride to Chappaqua next week?"
6) "If I said you had a beautiful port replicator, would you hold it against your camera?"
5) "My AIM says IM the one for you."
4) "My name is Misty, and I speak Klingon."
3) "I had to drop out of college because the $250,000,000 software com
Joke's On You
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-ear old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of three
and asks, "Why are there three in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE
for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the
boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up
a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married
men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March . . ."
Jokes -n- Funnies
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a
"Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday
Tee-shirt on Wednesday?"
"Oh crap!" the blonde says,
"I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
WHO CARES HOW OLD YOU ARE, LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST...
"Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a
well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
totally worn out, shouting, 'Holy shit .... What a Ride!!'"
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.
The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?"
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
Get it FREE at CommentYou.com Get this Free at CommentYou.com Get this for FREE at CommentYou.com
Joke Of The Day 2
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, hes perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
Son, theres been a bit of a mix-up, admits the surgeon. Im afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.
What! gasps the patient. You mean Ill never experience another erection?
Oh, you might, the surgeon reassures him. Just not yours.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and
said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things
will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Two robins were sitting in a tree. 'I'm really hungry,' said the
'Me too' said the second. 'Lets fly down and find some lunch.'
They flew to the ground and