MY PENIS IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL STRESS TESTER: That means don't tug on it, twist it, pull it, try and bend it or smack it with a brick. PRETEND that it is a delicate, one of a kind, priceless piece of china that you need to approach with loving tenderness....make balloon animals on your own time!
MY TESTICLES ARE FRAGILE: Do not bite them, crush them, squeeze them like you're juicing an orange or suck on them in a way that vacuums my eyes into my head...that shit hurts and gives me weird pains in my throat, thigh, chest, leg, hand, head, stomach, ankle, chin and a hundred other places that I can't understand.
BLOWJOBS: I am not a piece of cheese and you are not the grader...try to keep that fucking bear trap you call your teeth OFF my manhood...dragging your choppers up my shaft is no more fun than me workin' your cooch with a wire brush and some sand paper....I don't like limping away from oral sex with a peeled hotdog dangling between my legs just like you wouldn't wanna crawl away feeling like I just blow torched your whisker biscuit.
HUMPING: Don't ride my penis like you are drilling your inner depths for hidden caches of OIL. YOU are not OPPEC and I am not so strong that you can bend me in a diametrically opposed direction from wence nature constructed my sausage....You like it that rough join the Rodeo...I wanna get laid and enjoy myself not spend six months in the broken dick ward at Johns Hopkins.
ARTICULATION: Some cooing and/or nasty talk is fine BUT I don't need a blow by blow of what I am doing to you. It's not a sportscast and you ain't Howard Cosell...NOR do I want to feel that I will need a Priest on hand to excorcise the demonic forces that contort you into a twisted, screaming, spittle spewing psychopath who'd be better off incarcerated or drugged than sitting on the end of my manhood. Quick sexy sentences and whispers sprinkled liberally with moans, groans and gasps are good enough for me little miss Linda Blaire Shakespeare...
ORALNESS: DON'T LICK MY FACE! You ain't a dog and I am not a hairy, dog, ball sack...knock that shit off.
EXCITEMENT: Pretend like you are alive...I hate when I gotta put a mirror under your nose to make sure you're still sucking air...NOT TO MENTION it's really embarassing when the paramedics show up and you haven't actually expired...though by your level of enthusiasm I would've sworn you'd been dead for five days....
ORALNESS PARTII: If you are going to give me a blow job...DON'T ACTUALLY ACT like it's a job....and quit approaching my penis like it was just dipped in nuclear sewage. A little participation on your part would be nice. It's no fun using your skull to masturbate. And by participating I don't mean kissing around the head four or five times and then flopping back like you actually accomplished something. Show some patriotism for god's sake and salute me good and proper!
I DON'T CARE: If your last boyfriend liked it when you worked his ass like a jackhammer with your big purple strap on. I am kinky BUT not that kinky. Save the deviant shit for your therapist.....
WETSPOT: Hey it ain't my fault you don't have the will or drive to hold it in...BUCK UP....it'll dry eventually....Good niiiight.
HINTS: When I say I like something and you should do it more often that doesn't mean you should IGNORE it for the remainder of our sex life! That's the kinda selfish thinking that makes hookers rich....
YOU DON'T LOVE ME: If I've just worked 16 hours straight and I am bleeding all over the place from various wounds gathered throughout my work day and am weak from loss of blood..or we've had sex like 99 times in one week and I am so dried up and sore I shoot dust out my butt when I cough and I don't feel like DOING IT right this minute, that doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore, don't find you attractive or am thinking about leaving you. BUT if you don't shut the fuck up for atleast three hours while I go into a coma I just may do all three!
ROLEPLAYING: Ok I'll pretend I am a farmer and lay here in bed, you put on your rabbit suit and while I count to a million you run and hide...see you in three weeks.....
FOOD: I like to eat at the table not off your face, tits, or ass. Tables and chairs, plates etc. were created so we wouldn't have to eat food off ourselves. And who am I to deny thousands of years of human engineering...you want chocolate covered strawberries? GREAT! We'll hit the farmer's market and the candyshop and when we get home grab a plate and head for the kitchen your bush is my haven not my first stop for diabetes...
WATERWORKS:...I am pissed and shit on enough in my day to day life I don't need you adding to it...you gotta pee find a toilet...ANYTHING else find another dude. Like I said I am kinky BUT you are fucking sick!
RUBBER: You like it so much buy a super ball....
DOMINATRIX:....Get a dog...he'll listen better than I do.
DOMINATRIXII: If you really wanna dominate someone gather an army and invade a country...I just wanna hump and lick you...
SUBMISSIVE: Oh you want me to dominate you? OK, grab me a beer, unzip my pants and keep your head outta the picture the Avalnche are up by two in the third period you FILTHY UNWORTHY SLUT!
