Icarus's blog: "Hurts to watch."

So... last night was dinner at wingbat's place (her ex BF).

Brace yourself

he has nothing but pictures of her on his bookshelf, and a bad ass antique PC tower from the early 90's.

The bad news is I think he's going to make a move.

Factors:
History.
Me.
Not moving to Texas (changed his mind last week).
His jailbait internet fling dropped him.

These things all coincide at too convenient a time.

I mean, we've talked about him, he makes a great friend but she never saw a future in it so... it trailed off.

Anyway
the theme of the evening was "awkward"
so he's making curry (ow, more on this later)
and he answers the door in this hideous sequined/costume jeweleried sports coat
and a hitler moustache
complete with the Adolf hair part.
And rainbow toe-socks.

Oh yeah.

Pretty damned hilarious.

Anyway, the evening goes pretty good, (I think anyway) but I'm mostly engaging roommate and ex-boyfriend.

But I catch her smiling and laughing along.
So I was in full performance mode, synergetically quipping and weaving with all antics.
Her roommate is effing hilarious once you get a couple drinks in her, just so you know.

So 4 people around a table eating curried pork and too much Nan.
She thought it was too damn hot, I thought it was good but lacked garlic and was a bit too ... mexican in flavor (he used adobo peppers which are smoked, dark and rich, no indian curry calls for smoked peppers that I've ever seen, but any port in a storm, it was still good, very bold, very different)

Anyway, drinks, oddball music, jokes, anecdotes, and I apologize for monopolizing the conversation with ExBF
Like I said, full performance mode, I'm being raucus and good humored but trying to keep everyone engaged, someone's too quiet too long I get their input and keep it rolling.

I think there were a couple lusty stares in there
from all three parties, but I only noted on her's.
Once when I was commenting on Billy Joel and Elton John.
Once when exbf and I were doing a Shatner version of Sir Mixalot's classic
I like big butts.
When the part "you get SPRUNG" came up I timed a gesture where I flicked my index finger straight up.
I dunno why, but that got a specific grin out of her.

Then I said
"actually it's more like-"
and I did the same gesture with three fingers.

That got the table rolling.

I've made comments about her hips in my more drunken, blushing moments
she has the hips of a belly dancer.
Hooooooooohoohohohohohooooo.
And if you know me
you know its all about the hips.

I know I'm not being too specific, mostly because it doesn't really bear mentioning.
I was on about 10 minutes after I got there and got comfortable, then there was just biplay biplay biplay.

I think everyone had a good time.

My two...
THREE
... four concerns are

1. I hope I really didn't monopolize the chicanary, but I don't think I did, we're dealing with very quiet people here, and I've never seen her or her roommate laugh that much.
2. I texted her when I got home and asked if she got home alright,
I wanted to seem polite and offhandedly romantic in my obligation
not ... over protective and creepy
I'm hoping I came off as the former. I'm not entirely sure if I did because
I'm not a mind reader.
3. This Sunday...
I got a "maybe. I don't know yet".
MAYBE!?!?!? Oh happy dagger...

What a cruel pair of syllables.
"do you think this can go somewhere"
"would you like it if it did"
"can I see you Sunday"
?
?
?

... *sigh*. But I tried to play it cool, and say that I didn't have anything planned, I've just grown accustomed to her company and find that I enjoy it.

*shuffles feet*

4.
I went home early today

Hah...
yeah.
A combination of churning large intestines, stomach contents, and "food day"
Cuz saint patrick's day and... march birthdays
and someone decided to plop a WHOLE smoked chicken (which required constant poking) and green beans one cube next to me.

Now on a -good- day those green beans would make me nauseus. On this day, the combination of smokey meat, green beans and borderline diarhea and spiced up curry stomach made me want to RUN to the bathroom and heave.
I made it 1:30 hours.
I'm home now.
I'm no longer nauseus, but ugh
I was a fucking wreck in that cube
cupping my head and breathing heavy.
Holding my tongue to the roof of my mouth to keep from barfing.

And that's what pisses me off.
The nazi attendance policy,
Curry on a weekday
and big STANKY (in a good and bad way) pots of food
created this perfect storm that made me too sick to focus or stay.

What about the days where I might really need that shit? Where its one BIG factor instead of six little that without ONE I could probably function?
... well I guess a needed day was was today too, but...
*sigh*
I'm getting really frustrated with my attendance needs, my stomach, and sensibilities.
I feel like such a fuckup and for so many different reasons.

I dunno... I hate this sandcastle stage. Where there are no obligations expectations or confinements.
I'm a planner.
Make the plan.
Execute the plan
stick to the plan
learn from the execution
adapt the plan.

I like secure firmament.
Where people can't live without me...

and at this point, I don't know if she thinks I'm worth the trouble.
I'd like to think I am.

This goes for my job too.
When attendance comes up I get wobbley.
I may double their expectations.
But today I welshed on a special project, and went home for the third time in three months.

I'm disappointed in myself, and there's no trackable way to compensate for it.
Six occurences in six months and they lop off your hand.

I can't keep up with that and I already know it.

but then there's... this stuff.
Where... I dunno
I know I like her.
I think she likes me.
I don't know how much.
And I feel like I'm at that early point where I could be released at any point.

Yeah, people might be energized by that kind of newness.
Where they have to pull out the big guns and really wow 'em...

Why am I freaking out??
It's ONE week where I'm pretty busy anyway
and she already invited me to another dinner-night in the not too distant and not cemented (no date set) future.
...

Why am I freaking out at all?
She's always smiling and laughing around me.
In the good way
not the "stupid red head" way.

Mom wants to meet her.
I said "whoa".
Mom pouted.
I said "its not you guys, just way too soon".
Then mom told me my aunt sent an invite to her wedding "me plus guest"
I groaned.
HAH!
I almost wrote in my name.

The problem has always been stepping on the gas.
I won't make the same mistake.
Not this early anyway.

I overthink.
If you hadn't noticed.
Its partly why this blog is here at all.