Yesterday sure proved to be an interesting day. I have begun to learn that I am not meant to have relationships. At least in the "romantic" sense of the word. I don't deal well with people. I am pretty mean sometimes. Actually, really mean, sometimes. And, usually, i don't take blame for it. Cuz in my world, I can do no wrong. It poses a problem in the event i DO actually do something wrong. I have learned, I really do not know HOW to show affection, love, caring... stuff like that. I mean, I do have a borderline personality disorder... i am bi polar.... I have issues w/ relationships. I am really, just, not comfortable in them. People don't really know how to deal with me, and do things to make me comfortable. It's not everyone elses fault. You don't get trained in school on how to deal with this shit, unless u go to med school, or something.... but, I know I'm not an easy person to deal with.... But Chris said something today, and i was like... wow... he said something to the affect of how everyone has their bad days... and you're not going to like each other on the bad days... but you still love each other. It was really sweet. i don't have the convo saved since it was on my cell... but it was really sweet... and he's right... when you trully love someone, you just dislike them on the bad days... but thats ok. Beyond that though, I don't think I can deal with the stress of dealing with people who don't know how to deal with me. I'm NOT an easy person to deal with. I know this... man, i tell people ahead of time, BTW, robin is NOT nice. i have ISSUES. I mean, i don't seem to think like normal people. I don't adjust to stress normally, i react to things strangely, and i take silly thing out of context. I get very very defensive. I can't accept I do wrong. I mean, i CAN, but i wont admit it. And if I do, and say sorry, no one thinks i mean it. And most of the time, if i go out of my way to say sorry, i really mean it. And, no one seems to get it...
As sad as it is... all i want is for someone to truly understand me... and accept me, for me... flaws and all... and accept that, i do weird things, say weird things... but it's not like i am trying to hurt anyone.I just, react to things differently than most people. And people get hurt by it, or whatever... plus i tend to push people away, using the same tactics... it's totally subconcious... i rarely realize i'm doing it until way too late... and then sometimes it's bad, or good... but i have pushed that person away. It's just strange. But I always get made out to be this bad person, like i do so much wrong... most of the time, i don't even know what the fuck is going on. Usually, I am just defending myself, from what I feel, is a personal attack.....
I dunno... i could keep going on and on about this.... but it's just the same shit... different day....
