lordkhadgar05's blog: "revenge of lord_khadgar05!"

COMMODORE'S LOG STARDATE 30 NOVEMBER 2008

I've began thinking... alot....

For those of you who know me well you already know I obliterated my car in June and came close to dieing in the process, and since then I've been a changed man... Although I may never drive again (out of personal choice) I've made my way through town pondering like I always do.

The Last Entry that was featured on this Xanga Blog, and copied into my Myspace, Facebook, and Fubar blogs that I do believe I titled "9 In The Afternoon" I addressed the fact of feeling unaccepted. My opinions changed. I am more accepted than I wonce thought. When the Fall Semester of College began this year it started on a sour note. My Border Collie Barney died on the first day of school which made me think that this was gonna be another year of crap on a more Grandiose scale as I had a dead dog, legal problems, and other shit going on that could be detramental to my mental and physical health as well as my potential as a future History Teacher - but something for some strange reason on the first day of school convinced me to try out for the Fall Play (despite Rick Kuebler not being there anymore, and my sheer frustration that I had building up still from the last production I was in) and to make a long story short I do believe it started my new clique (The Drunken Cowboy Posse is now spread across the Western U.S. and therefore isnt all at NJC anymore) so I began hanging out with the likes of Darth Gibbles and some of the other people that now constitute my clique including old SHS peeps like Saint Pattywacker who we all thought went insane and dropped off the face of the earth years ago... This really boosted my morale and made me feel more accepted for the first time since about Fall Semester of my Senior Year at SHS. Also the play did wonders for feeling accepted by women. I am currently dating one of my fellow Actors - Caroline, and to tell you she is AMAZING! I dont know how or why I was stupid enough to believe Christa was ever the one because being with Caroline is so wonderful! She and I have had similar life experiences and therefore she is perfect for me! I intend to marry her someday in the near future - and yes this time all will go right unlike with Christa because Caroline has told me the only way this relationship will end is if I walk out or if I kick her out which would never happen anyway....

So with all working well I have realized that I'm more accepted than thought... sometimes pondering life, no matter how rash we have to be when we do so can help us realize the things we dont see at one point in life can be overly obvious in a later time - with God as my witness I will from now on believe I have a purpose!

:::swan:::

The Swan Archive
www.xanga.com/FallenBadger
www.myspace.com/themadprussian
www.fubar.com/themadprussian
www.facebook.com - search name: M. Lowell Haehn II

Currently Listening Pretty Odd By Panic at the Disco "Nine In The Afternoon" (Radio Edit) see related Back To A Room Where It's Nine In The Afternoon COMMODORE'S LOG STARDATE 1 APRIL 2008 "It looks like the end of history as we know" - Panic! At The Disco I have been pondering this quote, well and the song in its entirety, along with one quote by John Lennon from "I Am The Walrus" which states "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together" I've been in a somewhat down mood - some people piss me off way too much, they dont try to understand me. Girls still wont give me a chance, my friends sometimes walk all over me treating me as if my problems dont matter, and yet they expect me to solve their problems as if I'm some expendable advice machine... why cant they understand that we all have problems and that some of us would like to no longer be the advice givers, and instead would like to be the advise takers - I'm slowly thinking that they dont understand the facts of "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together" - I'm just the fucking same, but I would like to be able to figure out my life and get some help and not always help everyone else (no offense to Rock and Skyler - their problems are so much more complex than mine, that I dont think they could help solve mine due to how simple mine really are...) But then I sit around and watch Fuse and watch the "9 In The Afternoon" music video by Panic! At The Disco and you see all these strange people - all with Ringo Starr mustaches finding some way to find acceptance... and I know that everyone will say "Gee Marty - you have acceptance, look at all of your friends" - yeah, I know I have friends, and I'm slowly realizing that half of them are fake, and I now see who the true ones are, but I'm realizing that I'm not accepted by any of the girls that I've ever met, and over my depressing high school years I alienated myself from my cousins and some of the rest of my extended family and I long so much to feel less alienated from them - I'm slowly making headway with that problem however (or so it seems)... but there is still that lack of acceptance from girls. I look at my "true" friends and half of them are either married or in relationships that have lasted for more than one year, and I'm the dumbass that chases the Kristine's and the Red's and the Christa's of life and I keep getting fucked over! I wish I could find a way to be happy and a weirdo at the same damn time, and not always irritated or mad (or depressed as it was in High School) all the damn time... I guess I want something that must be impossible to find... sure I've made headway in some of the things I lack such as realizing who my true friends are, and becoming less alienated from my cousins, but I still wish so much that I could find a girl that gives a damn about me even with as geeky as I am.... Oh well - I guess it's an overly complained about, dead subject... :::swan::: THE SWAN ARCHIVES: www.xanga.com/fallenbadger www.myspace.com/themadprussian www.fubar.com/themadprussian

1:00 PM - email it

HAHA! ANOTHER PLACE TO INSERT MY XANGA POSTST AT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Thursday, March 08, 2007 Currently Listening Sugar Ray By Sugar Ray 01 - Answer The Phone see related DAMN! I make this blue jacket look good! Commodores Log Stardate 8 March 2007 DAMN! I MAKE THIS BLUE JACKET LOOK GOOD!... rotflol Yeah bitches - the "Fuck You! I'm da bomb" version of me is back (a.k.a. :::punk lowell:::) and to tell you the truth - I'm glad! I got screwed over by my valentine and then g/f (I meant to blog about her a while ago and never got around to it) and well lets just say my bloodlust and fury that I once came to love returned. I found Uncle Tracy's old blue dress jacket that I got from Grandma a while back and started wearing it with colored t-shirts and gothic pants (occasionally black t-shirts and jeans), and my pirate scarf, and baseball cap that says "coyote" in Japanese on it. I started sk8boarding... I've wounded my knees twice now in proccess... I also realized that I must be some sort of sexy beast... one day when I was wearing a black shirt and blue jeans (yes I own Cinch and Lucky Brand jeans) the hottest girl on campus was checking out my ass... she stopped dead in her tracks and started staring at my behind.... to tell you the truth I was motherfucking shocked! I ended up getting picked up to play keyboards with Hardcore Hesston Hamm's band that he's starting too (Warped Tour - I hope to have fame and be playing on you by 2011 at latest!)... things are starting to look up... well except with dad - he accused me of smoking dope last night! HA! Me! Dope! - for one he should know me better - I wont go near it, and two if he wanted to point blame at that he needed to like 5 years ago when i was in high school and WAS a stoner! Not after I grew some common sense!... Now I'm just confused tho... I look at my aspects for dating, and I look at myself and I think - I gotta get me a cowgirl that digs punks! There is such a person! Either that or I gotta get Christa to go out with me... we both dont want to ruin the friendship, but I'd give it a run - if I could figure out how.... Well My L-Town, Ster-Fry, and South Dakota posse - its good that you read this shit, even if it is off of my Myspace and not this Xanga... oh well.... Amanda - just remember, as blink-182 once said: "and mabey I'll see you at a movie sneak preview - you'll show up and walk by on the arm of that guy. And I'll smile, you'll wave, we'll pretend its okay. This cherede, it wont last - when he's gone - I wont come back!" STAY BLACK BERTS! ::lowell::