THE ETHICS OF SLATHERING YOUR MOTHER IN SCENTED OILS & MASSAGING HER DEEP TISSUE IN GRATITUDE
Category: Life
Day 274 of THENERVOUSBREAKDOWN.COM experiment.
So I was sitting around in the living room last night with my fiancee and the topic of Mother's Day came up.
I asked my fiancee what we should get my mom for Mother's Day.
"I thought you said flowers," said my fiancee.
"Flowers might be boring," I said.
"I don't know," said my fiancee.
"I don't know either," I said.
"I was watching TV this morning," said my fiancee. "Cameron Diaz was on. I think it was Good Morning America. Or maybe it was The Today Show. She was talking about how she gave her mom a massage for Mother's Day last year."
"That might be nice," I said.
"No," said my fiancee. "You don't understand. It wasn't like she gave her mom a gift certificate for a massage at a spa. I'm saying she actually went over to her parents' house with a massage table and physically massaged her mom."
"Jesus," I said.
"I know," said my fiancee.
"I don't think I could do that," I said.
"It's a little bit weird," said my fiancee.
"In some cultures, it's probably normal," I said. "People washing each other's feet. Maybe in America we're just frigid."
"Cameron is Cuban," my fiancee said.
"Maybe Cubans touch each other," I said.
"They can dance," said my fiancee.
"I still can't imagine massaging my mom," I said.
"Neither can I," said my fiancee.
"I wonder if Cameron used oil," I said.
"Definitely," said my fiancee. "If she has her own massage table, then I'm guessing she has oil."
"Imagine oiling your mom up and rubbing her down," I said.
"Gross," said my fiancee.
"That's love," I said.
"Stop it," said my fiancee.
"Mom, I'm gonna fix your sciatica," I said.
"Bleh," said my fiancee.
"An elbow to the colon," I said.
"Oh my god," said my fiancee.
"Roll over on your side, mom," I said. "And cover yourself with the sheet."
"It's just wrong," said my fiancee.
"It really is," I said.
"You would think that Cameron Diaz would have enough money to take her mom to the spa for the day," said my fiancee.
"Yeah," I said. "You're making twelve million a movie. Take your fuckin' mom to Canyon Ranch."
"Give her a colonic," said my fiancee.
"Nothing says love like a colon cleanse," I said.
The conversation went on from there.
We laughed and took turns trying to gross each other out.
We debated some more about whether or not it's weird that Cameron Diaz gave her mom a full body massage for Mother's Day.
Thinking about it now, in the clear light of morning, it's obvious that there's nothing inherently wrong with having your mother strip down nude and then slathering her head-to-toe scented oils while digging into her deep tissue with your bare hands.
If you do it with love, and a mind free of debauchery, then more power to you.
And yet, I must admit: a feeling of strong discomfort continues to persist.
I can't get right with the concept.
I can't get right with massaging my mom.
And furthermore, I'm not even sure my mom would let me give her a full body massage.
I think she might slap me if I made the offer.
I think she'd probably draw the line and thank me for the nice thought.
But that's just me.
I could be wrong.
Naturally I'm interested in hearing your thoughts.
Please visit THENERVOUSBREAKDOWN on MYSPACE.
As always, I thank you for your kind attention.
And I wish you all a wonderful weekend.
Special good wishes go out to all you mothers out there.
Thank you for rearing your dysfunctional miscreants with such tender loving care.
XO.
BL
