I was reading an online acquaintance's blog and she's asking for random reader questions in her journal. I wanted to save the following question because I might need to remember this down the road. [Now to mention right now...]
What do you predict in the future for me and my boyfriend? What are some sure indications why a relationship will or will not work?
Okay, first thought is: Why are you asking me? I'm a bisexual poly soon to be divorcee, and romance isn't exactly the predominant feature of my life. (*grin* Okay, maybe that's not really fair. I have some really wonderful people in my life, and they do a wonderful job of putting up with not-very-romantic me.) Though I guess I have arguably been around the block.
I don't think there are any sure indications. And I think there are too many different definitions of what people mean by work. Does working mean you stay together for the rest of your lives? Would it be more working to stay together no matter what, or to possibly part and good separate ways amicably?
I have a lot of biases. I think people in relationships are individuals, and relationships should be about maximizing individual happiness, rather than people sacrificing themselves for the relationship. (I don't mean "be an inconsiderate asshat". If you decide that doing something that is of direct benefit to your partner is going to make you happy even if it costs you something, than do it, and be happy. Helping one's partners is fun. But don't do it and feel bitter and resentful and say stupid bitter things about sacrifices. It's your decision, and you own it.)
I'm also leery of making promises on behalf of your future self. I don't think you can promise to love someone forever. (Okay, perhaps for some of the more abstract definitions of love.) You don't know who you will be, and you don't know who they will be in the future. (It's easy enough not to know who they are in the present!) You can, I suppose, promise to stay with them forever... but even barring practical difficulties, is it the healthiest thing?
In that light... I think it's important to keep in mind that you don't just make a relationship, or a marriage, or whatever, and then you're in it, fade out on happily ever after. You make it and choose to be in it every day. It's got to be an ongoing process. It helps if you have similar values, and similar goals. It helps if you're able to learn and grow together. It helps if you have similar neatness threshholds, and don't drive eachother out of your minds. It helps if you know yourself well. Maybe that last more than anything else.
Good luck. Sorry, no crystal ball here ;-)
