Well, I've got a lot on my mind at the moment, so I'm trying to make sense of it all. To start I'm sitting here at work and this song that reminds me of my ex seems to come on every frickin' 30 minutes! lol Which gets me thinking about everything involving relationships in my life. I have no desire to be with my ex at all, but that song still makes me miss the good stuff that I haven't found with anyone else yet and it sucks. Then I think about the fact that he seems to have suckered some other girl into thinking he loves her, which is lucky for him and most likely unlucky for her. Yet they seem happy, which is good for them I guess and perhaps they are better suited for each other. Yet, if they are as happy as they seem it kind of bothers me. I think to myself, why does someone who has treated women so poorly in the past and been so dishonest get to be happy again. While a great girl like me can't find what I'm looking for. Does that make me a bad person? I know, I know, I shouldn't think that way, but I'm being honest that those thoughts do cross my mind. It just seems like it all shouldn't be so complicated, but we all know that it is. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I know that I am at a crossroads in my life where I have to make a very difficult choice. I have to either continue my quest for everything that I want or I have to choose something that is very good in many ways, but still lacking some things that are important to me. It is such a tough choice, because I don't want to be destined to end up with all the jerks that are out there. I've always been pretty determined and have always said that I would never settle, but in this situation it's not necessarily settling, it's being content with all of the wonderful things that I have found. Maybe I just have unreal expectations about what I want anyways. Can it really be as perfect as it is in the movies? Can I find the guy who is genuinely nice and who is able to open up emotionally, be loving and affectionate, responsible, honest, trustworthy, adventurous, funny, playful, caring, who would never do anything to intentionally hurt the girl he loves?? I want the guy who I will be absolutely head over heels in love with and who will feel the same way about me. Does he exist or is it some deluded fantasy I have from watching too many sappy chick flicks?? These are some of the questions I wrestle with when it comes to relationships and my situation. In many ways I just can't even fathom thinking that it's not possible to meet him, because it is in direct contradiction to what is at the core of my being. I have always thought that "the one" existed and figured that at some point we would meet and live happily ever after. Yet when I look at the relationships of many of those around me I realize maybe it is all a fantasy. Once in a blue moon I will encounter the couple that truly has that fairy tale relationship, but it seems more often than not most people don't have that. Is it because they make hasty decisions and do settle or is it because perhaps the fairytale doesn't exist? Maybe if I've found a nice guy I should accept that and be happy and hope that the other stuff will come in time. Right? Maybe? lol Someone told me that according to Dr. Phil if you find someone who has at least 80% of what you are looking for that you are fortunate, as noone is perfect. What if the 20% percent that is missing is just as important as the 80% you have found?? I wish someone could tell me what the right thing to do is. lol Although I know that no one can make the decision for me, but it doesn't make it any less confusing. I've been trying to put off the final decision as long as possible, but I know that the time is nearing where I have to either accept it or keep moving. Would it be bad if I flipped coins about whether or not to choose a relationship? Lol
