A's blog: "This is who I am."

Have you ever stood in front of a mirror and looked into it at your own reflection and then asked yourself, "Who are you?"? I have. I do it every day. I've asked myself that question even without the mirror. Sometimes when I can't sleep because my brain won't turn itself off, I lie awake and I ask myself that. I've found the answer a time or two, but it wasn't until I was faced with a reality today that I figured it all out. I know who I am, and it isn't who I wanted to be. I'm broken. I've always been broken. I can accept that, and truth be told, I know who holds the blame for that. There have been times when I've thought that I had all the pieces back in place, and that the cracks and fissures had been sealed, and then something happens that allows me to see that that isn't entirely true. But, what can you do? When you've been through all the things I've been through and you've seen all the things I've seen, sometimes, being broken is the best thing there is. It let's you know you're alive and let's you know that no matter what you may think you can still feel pain. I've also discovered and accepted my place in the lives of others. I'm the constant. The one thing that they can always depend on, and the only thing that can't depend on any of them. That's who I am. It's who I've always been. I can bend and bend and bend. I can be whatever it is anyone wants me to be, but I can't depend on them to be what I need or want them to be to me. Things happen and things will always stand in your way. Sometimes you can move them, break through them, or walk around them. But other times, they're immovable, impenetrable, and virtually impossible to make a path around. Eventually, you have to find another path, another way to go and maybe, just maybe that's the right way. We live and we learn. I can't really say that in the last 9 years I've done much living, but I've done a hell of a lot of learning. I've also done a hell of a lot of accepting. I probably haven't been a really good friend to most people, or I've been all the friend they need and then they don't need me anymore. At least not until it's convenient for them. But, I've always remained, just in case. I'll continue to remain, because as I said before, I'm the constant. I'm the dependable. I'm the forever friend.