It's sad how carefully I have to word my blogs, now, but... here we go.
June 3 didn't go well, to say the least. In fact, the entire weekend left a lot to be desired, but June 3 was the biggie.
It opened with my getting up sometime in the afternoon, after having slept from the moment I got home from work Saturday afternoon until then. Somehow, my body took back nearly 17 hours of sleep and chose then to do it, dashing my hopes for Saturday night activity.
I finally got a full view of how irritable I get when I mix insomnia, loneliness, and alcohol. After taking myself to D&B Sunday evening, I came back two Walk The Planks later, already tipsy. This is when I got online and ran into the girl I'd been pursuing for some time. After having not spoken to me in three weeks, she finally officially put me in the "friend" zone.
In order to not take it out on her, I did what it looks like is habit: I took the anger and let it amplify how aggravated I was to CT's petty annoyances. An owner of a popular lounge who eventually banned me; some random staff wannabe in the Support lounge who I let get under my skin and the staff backed her passive harassment of me (something I probably would have been bigger than on other nights); a "friend" I wound up fighting with because I wasn't polite (downright mean, actually, according to her) and because I deserved any negative experience I got in the last decade.
I spent the morning awake. I still can't sleep regularly, but this time, it isn't because of the pain in my body. I looked back at everything I don't have anymore... everything I lost since the beginning of the year. I realized that for all my effort, I haven't done a single effective thing to change things.
I even had... those thoughts. You know, the ones that come to you after your mind tells you that all is lost? The ones that people tell you to go to the ER for?
It sounds like I should seek a psychologist before I seek any friends. I know I can't afford one yet, so I'll be working for a while until I can, but I can't afford to lose anything else, either.
