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Death is a still winter night...

nothing rustles , not even the wind...

People walk a slow sad march..

A march of suffering the pain...

due to this one mistake of loving this one human being...

Death is a still winter night....



You look at what was you

and you sometimes wonder what happened....


Some people look back on their own accomplishments..

While others look back at their own failures....


Most people just look back on the big mistakes they made...

It really doesn't matter..

All that really matters is the friends

who have been there for you through it all!


So if you're looking back on your life..

Remember  your accomplishments and your failures...


Just take a little bit more time

And reflect on your friends

And the stupidity you guys have shared...


Trust me, it will make you smile on your bluest days!!!  :) :) 

I've learned in the first 40 years that good girls always finish last..(sounds familiar huh guys??) I've learned that no matter how good your soul is... You're judged by the outside... Because outside beauty never fades right? Unless you marry a plastic surgeon and that doesn't even count.. And you can love someone with every ounce of love in your being and they never see what they had until you've been crushed into a million pieces; that while millions of miles or less than 10 separate you from the one YOU love... If they don't feel the same they will always find ways to make up reasons why not. And there is nothing you can ever do to overcome the power of fear. Ive learned that carrying your heart on your sleeve isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as you remember to keep the string on tight in case you need to pull it back in.. I've learned that I have so much still to learn from my children.. Mainly to never give up on a dream because odds can be beat. We forget that parenting is a priviledge it should not be taken lightly, I've learned that nothing seems sacred anymore. No one loves like they used to and selfishness is rampant. Ive learned that I was born a generation to late to accomodate my soul and heart. But I am here and alive, for how long is not known. For any of us is not known. We spend so much time being afraid of what if's... We forget to focus on the what can be's. We all get hurt..we all fail at some point...we all make mistakes..I've learned to ask God for help in not crying anymore and asking for strength to get up each day and work and love and keep the faith that I will be ok...it's not the end...not yet...I've learned that my heart is good, my soul is genuine and loving with all that i have in me is good enough...or at least it should be...      yet i haven't learned why i'm still alone and suffering every day.. maybe another lesson tomorrow will teach me...maybe not... all I know is that i am certain I will forever wait for my love story to be finished in the book of my life.. and i will bring with me all the chapters of my life thus far.. and I will love with the same tenacity as I do right now....

this is what i'm determined to have in my life someday:


Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,I know why I'm alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

I sit here staring at this person in the mirror. Who is this person I see? I see someone who is confident and smart; funny and sexy. I see someone who's had great accomplishments and even greater failures. I see imperfection. I see pretty green eyes and brunette hair; big full lips and a nice smile. I see 37 years of life where others do not. I see 11 years of being married, then being alone; being married while being alone then being married again only to wind up alone. I see a best friend to 1 and someone who could be anyone's best friend. I see someone that spent her whole life trying to be the best mom she could be because she knew her marriage had failed. Her sacrifices were many. I see someone with a good heart. I see integrity and hard earned wisdom. Someone that worked her tail off to get an education to better her life and that of her children when every odd was stacked against her; courage to stand up against the system and win. I see someone who believes in what the world no longer does. But I also see pain; promises made but never kept. I see the eyes of those that loved her and always let her down. I see fear; pain and tears. I see loneliness. I see a heart that wants to love someone for the rest of her life. But I see doubt. I see someone that no one else sees because no one else allows her the opportunity to show all these things. I see someone who will wait forever for that one person to actually be ready. What I can't see that I wish I could is when…
I often sit and wonder where my life is headed. How many more mountains must I climb before I reach the top. How many more will I meet along my journey. It is a tall, steep mountain but I climb it everyday. Sometimes I slip and lose my ground;sometimes I hit a deep ravine. But I always find a way to pick myself back up and start climbing again. I have accrued some passengers on this journey. 4 to be exact. 2 of them will soon embark on their own journeys in life. 2 will follow me for some time to come. It is a risk I take, climbing this mountain and I have crossed paths with many temptations; some of which I did succomb to, and many things out to hurt me; a couple of very venomous snakes to be exact. Much to their dismay, I'm still standing. I am tougher than they thought. And I have met many that were just merely nuisances; ticks in life that try to suck your spirit dry like the blood from your body. I said to them, HA! You will not change who I am either. I will continue this journey even though I know the risks involved. Why? Because that is what we were all doing since the moment we were born. I am willing to climb this mountain, swim across the ocean; do whatever it takes. I'm sure of my goal on this journey because it drives my soul. I cannot find it, that is why I seek it. I know what it looks like and I know how it will feel because it lives inside of me but I have not been able to touch it. I have met those that said they knew it but they did not; they did not have it in themselves to know what it is. If it means my journey lasts a lifetime, then so shall I climb to have it. It is not a matter of need. I have it from my 4 passengers unconditionally. It is a matter of want and finding that one lone traveler that wants it to.
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