I know now what troubles I have caused for myself. After realizing that yet again waking up crying for the second time like this in my life. The harsh reality that I may never be fully ready for this woman. How can someone disrupt their own life to the point where there feels like no return. I have got to find myself another job. It just wouldn't be fair to lay in this woman's arms even after taking care of the issues here if I don't have something to show for my hard work unless she honestly just wants me. She wants me to be ready for her. But what exactly does this entitle me to do. I guess following my heart on this one is scarier than I thought. I will go to work and pay up all my dues and get myself another vehicle. At least if anything else, I can find a job there and be reliable. Just imagining how long this could take is enough to kill me. But as I see it, I feel it'll be worth it. God I hope this woman is feeling what I'm feeling. It just occured to me that maybe she doesn't want all this, maybe she does just wants someone who will be open and honest regardless what they do or do not have. Maybe she does just wants someone to hold her and cherish her everyday who is willing to spoil her with now taking care of her what's hers. I would be honored to, but only if she would tell me. Damn I miss her so much. How can anyone feel so strongly about a person, and yet not have the way to be there with that person. I can somewhat now relate to those who serve our country. Yet, they were chosen a civil duty as well as everyone else. So why hasn't thine chosen one for me. Maybe I'm not supposed to. But how far will love travel with no job or material things that seem to be important to most of the world. What involves being right for someone. "To each his own" is something I've lived closely to, and then, there's this situation you know. Everyone is different, yet how do you make absolutely sure you're ready or right for someone. Do you spill your guts and tell that person everything and hope he or she will accept you for who you are, or do you take that leap of faith and find out first hand. Why ponder so much on trying to do what everybody else in the world does to impress others when maybe, just maybe this is one of those reasons that you don't. I've always tried to impress, and I have to many, but how right would it be here if I do show her who I really am as a man and not a man who has
achieved materialistic goals; It's because I love this woman that much, and it hurts. It hurts knowing that Lisa did exist, and I wasn't ready for her like I now know I should have been.
It just occured to me that sertain options are still open to me. All this time Lisa has told me to make sure that I am happy. I was happy in Florida, home, a place where my heart has always been. The chance given to me by my best friends there (Chris and Kristy), was a god-send. I know now that all I have to do is get my recent past issues taken cared of here, then go home. Home is where the heart is, and if this woman not only wants me, but wants me happy, then I need to make it home. Home....damn, I never thought of it. Why was I so freaking blind!!?? lol. I now hold this book even more closer to me than I ever did. I thank God for the gift given to me write.
--A journal--
A journal,
what makes a journal a journal,
what makes one see the way they do,
For some this may seem insignificant,
But the words I hear are golden,
To see through one's eyes the meaning of life,
The courage to understand one's hope in time,
I do not understand the gift at hand,
but surely someone else will see,
That all may be good in a world with no gleam,
That everyone lives in their own time to be,
What they will for others to see,
What makes me happy?
One day you'll see,
When I open this book and let it flow through me,
The gift of life through a book of lives,
May be the chosen path ultimately.
God I love this.
--ok one more lol--
To ask a questio,
is to endure one's life,
through tasks and mistakes,
They have created sublime.
