Right now I don’t know whether to be pissed, insulted, taken for granted, foolish or just plain stupid.
I don’t know about other people and why they do what they do, but if someone is going to use me as a cover to another for a misconception, deceit or outright lie, I would expect to at least be consulted about it before the act and at very least be made aware about it as soon as possible.
I know I am in no position to judge anyone yet my morals and standards do have a certain code of ethics. Friends do not use friends without their consent or minimum knowledge so that the friendship can choose the path that eventually leads to destruction.
This past week, I have been “Dear Abbey”, a priest in a confessional and put into an awkward position between domestic partners thanks to the lack of communication.
A so called “friend/sister/daughter” divulged to me that she went and had a tryst with a co-worker while her husband is away at military training. Mind you, I do not condemn nor condone such actions, but only pointed out certain facts… she is in a marriage that seems to be of convenience for the sake of her son of three years of age cause all she does is bitch that she does not enjoy the union of husband and wife relations and has no time to herself to do what she wants to do. What that is, is of no relevance whatsoever cause to me, once you open your legs and give birth to a child you chose that path and have relented your days of being single and independent without the “ball and chain” of matrimony and responsibility for the life that is brought into this world by your actions and choice to do so in this day and age. Again, I do not condemn nor condone alternatives, but this is what was chosen and all circumstances that are a result of those initial actions are now part of being a responsible parent and mother.
Instead of going into the tirade of moral rights or wrongs, I stuck to basic facts and asked the Planned Parenthood type of questions like; Did you use proper birth control? Are you aware of sexually transmitted diseases? How can you be sure that you are not being lied to and have you seriously thought of all the possible circumstances if a slim possibility of getting any number of results like herpes, genital warts, caught by your spouse, work conditions and relationship ties with this individual as well as all the possible implications of guilt, fantasy, and a plethora of not just the physical, but emotional implications? What about the effects your actions will have on your child and husband in the near and far future? etc… Which all resulted in the answers I expected - which are in essence denial of certain truths that thankfully I do not have to personally deal with.
Instead of the seven year itch – it was mentioned it’s more like a three year itch which makes me wonder why did one bother at all to say “I DO” and why on this earth are you telling me this?
This led me to question the basis of the friendship. Why is this person my friend? If she can lie to herself and cheat on her husband, do I really want to remain friends with her? If she’s going to do this to her family, what will she eventually do to me? What do I offer and expect in return to continue what once was and never can be again? I have to remain true unto my own self and set morals and standards or I jeopardize my own growth as a human being learning from mistakes, weaknesses or just plain selfishness. I have grown past that and extend my wisdom and experience beyond personal gain and have kept silent only to be put yet again into a difficult situation that has me angry and disappointed.
Another mutual friend has gone and told her domestic partner something using me and my husband as an excuse without my/our knowledge. Attempting to call her back after 2 messages yesterday evening and reaching where she was (the home of the first friend) and watching the young son so the other friend could attend a mandated meeting for work – or so I was told led me to believe all was kosher so to say.
Being woken with a phone call this morning again requesting my assistance by friend #1 to watch her son so she could get some errands done at the local mall, I begrudgingly agreed for the sake of the child. Granted, we had a wonderful day coloring, at the park, playing with the critters, feeding the fish and ducks and such, she came back to pick him up and I offered dinner which would be ready in an hour. This gave her time to relax and unwind and have some help with an active 3 year old that was a sheer joy even if challenging and acting out of sorts in her company. While dinner was being finalized, both wound up passed out from sheer exhaustion and dinner went as planned and bellies stuffed. Everything done, with thanks all was gathered and mommy and son left in a good mood to prepare for bath time at home and putting away all the goodies from shopping.
All cleaned up and before things got too late, I again contacted friend number 2 and got the partner on the phone first who is also a dear friend. Now he is in a wheelchair and a very independent and strong individual of which I respect as well as love like a brother. We chatted and spoke about the mundane as well as missing the group ritual last night. I informed him of what my hubby and I did and have need to take care of transportation issues and vehicle maintenance which is why we were not able to make it and that is when I was informed that his significant other told him she was with my husband and I out enjoying an night on the town. RUT ROH! I just blew my friends cover and had no clue! He passed the phone to her and all I could say was “I think I blew your cover… why didn’t you return my call or at least inform me?” and her response was… “well, er… yes you did, I gotta go” and hung up the phone.
Now what the hell am I supposed to think and do in this situation? I usually have all the answers, and seriously in my gut I feel the need to sever all ties, yet truly care with my heart and soul about all these people involved in deceit and lies to each other and feel like some pawn being played. I know I have to face the facts and am obliged to be honest and truthful for it is the only way I know how to be. It hurts deeply but I know that I do not want to get in the middle of a soap opera situation, as I have my own issues to deal with and have not, nor will not use another as an excuse to weave a web of lies to harm or protect someone from facts.
Communication is essential in any relationship – whether it be husband/wife, parent/child, friend to friend etc., etc… Honesty is the best policy and no matter how hard you try, once you start lying/deceiving/withholding information from one another, that trust is broken and cannot be mended. Nothing remains the same so the only constant is change – for better or worse – it is up to the individuals asking the very same questions as I am… What to do, what to do…
Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!
Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi. Stanza 17.
Scottish author & novelist (1771 - 1832)