Morph's blog: "Rants"

I am well aware that it is my own mental shortcomings that have gotten me into this situation but I prefer to blame it upon my two X chromosomes. I swear if I had been lucky enough to have been born a man my life would be so much simpler. Now, don't get me wrong. I understand that being XY has its own challenges. There is the facial hair thing, constant need to fart, higher insurance rates, prostate issues and, most daunting of all, dealing with women. I must say, I've met a lot of women and I realize that most of us are freaking nuts. The one ability that men have (other than falling asleep after sex) that I truly envy is the ease in which they can sleep with someone and not develop feelings for them. That is the crux of my problem. This is an indifference that I have not yet mastered. In fact, I believe it will never be a part of my skill set. For me this really sucks. My last relationship was a nightmare (see my first blog) and am very reluctant to enter a new one. Unfortunately, I am almost 36. I now chant "God, I'm horny" at every red light or any other unfilled moment. In short, I am peaking. I now understand the torture of being a teenage boy. I hate it. To solve this problem I recently started sleeping with the seemingly perfect man for this situation. I've know this guy for a long time and truthfully he was never on my radar as a potential sex partner. I was surprised and slightly apprehensive when the possibility of being sex/cuddle buddies came up. Then it hit me….there was no way I could fall for him. I had three very solid concrete reasons for this belief. And so I slept with him. It was amazing. It wasn't just in the top 10 because of the sex alone. It was the conversation before hand, the way he smelled, tasted, felt, moved and laughed. It was that I liked his music and him offering to take my dog outside. It was how well we fit together while we slept. I was very pleased with the situation. It seemed as though my prayers (no, I don't REALLY pray) had been answered. Then it started to happen. In between hooking up I thought of him. I noticed that he wasn't clingy yet very considerate at the same time (major bonus points!). I enjoyed it when he pinged me on IM and looked forward to talking with him. I attributed these things to the great sex and my desire to have him again. There was more great conversation, music, laughter, sex and cuddling. It was all I ever wanted. Shit! ?! IT WAS ALL I EVER WANTED!? WTF? This was not supposed to happen. Those three reasons were way too good. I was not supposed to think about him when he wasn't there. I wasn't supposed to think about the way he smelled. I wasn't supposed to want to take him places with me. I wasn't supposed to want my friends to meet him. I could have dealt with all of that, I suppose. What I couldn't deal with was wanting to call him Friday when I had a bad night. Damn! In a moment of clarity, I realized that I really liked him and that was just WRONG. Don't get me wrong, I want a relationship. I want to feel that way about someone. But, damn, those three reasons are really good and there is really no way around them. My friends and I managed to whittle away two of them but one remains. I must admit, I think this would all be too much for him to take anyway. So I texted him that I couldn't see him anymore. If I was a man I wouldn't have had to deal with these feelings. I could have been content with a perfect piece of ass. I could be sexually fulfilled at this moment. But, no, I had to go and have feelings for him and ruin it all. Instead, I am searching for the best deal on a rabbit vibrator while images of his cum face flash in my memory. I blame all of this on my two X chromosomes.

I am a woman who has her life together. I am looking for a very special man! To start with, he must be heavily medicated. If you regularly find yourself drooling in a corner you have met requirement number one! Additionally, you must be very romantic. I have my own view of romance. Firstly, you must NEVER buy me a gift. Not for my birthday, not for Valentines Day and certainly not for Christmas. If the voices in your head tell you that you must make a purchase please restrict yourself to a card. Inside the card, no matter what the voices say, please write something lovely like I want to smell your butt. Scaling my balcony at four a.m. while serenading me with choruses of how I am trying to ruin your life will make me melt! Please drink profusely in every public place we go. I feel so needed when I have to carry you into the house and wash your piss stained pants. (LOL! I forgot to mention I like it when you are so drunk you can't control your bodily functions). I also want to have to call the police on you at least twice a year. If you dont threaten to hurt me and if you don't throw things at me how else am I to know that you love me? The man I am seeking must also be ambition free. I prefer a creative man who will sit and play his guitar all day. Life is too short for you to spend it working. Please don't come out and say this though. Tell me you are looking; that soon you will get back in the mix. I want to be supportive and this little white lie will allow me to do just that. I can spend hours (well, the ones that I am not looking for new meds for you) searching for jobs that you will never apply for. It will also allow me to pay for all of our activities. I earn a good wage and it does me no good to just have it sitting in the bank earning interest. I would rather spend it on you. Lastly, on the monetary note, I will swoon if you borrow money and never pay it back. If you do stumble into some extra money you should spend it on something that you really want. For example, you could spend it on a concert ticket for yourself and leave me at home. Now, that sounds perfect! I love a man that challenges me. In my experience the best way for you to do this is to be emotionally unstable. Catch me off guard whenever possible. Please call me and ask me to marry you and two hours later leave me a voicemail telling me I am a b*tch. I love to be kept on my toes. Show up at my door unannounced in the midst of a panic attack and I will drop everything I am doing to be there for you. Make vows you know youll never keep and I promise to believe you By this point it must be obvious that I am looking for a psychco. You are probably assuming that this requirement must at least be partially fueled by my desire for amazing sex. If so, you are half right. I want it to be amazing for YOU. I understand that the medication may sometimes interfere with your sex drive and/or ability to have sexual relations. That must be so difficult for you. That is why when you are ready and able to have sex with me I will do anything to gratify you. Ill be your slut, your mother, your servant, your master, your whore and your caretaker. No foreplay needed. Just do me however you so choose. My needs are irrelevant. After all this, along with everything else, is all about you. By the way, I have no problem with you telling everyone you know how great the sex is with me. As a matter of fact, feel free to tell all your guy friends every detail that way they will want to nail me too. This has gotten quite long. I suppose I should leave it at this. If you fit this description email me. If I have not already dated you (or if I have and you are on new meds) perhaps we can get together. (Of course I will provide transportation!) p.s. Bonus points for being on SSI and/or living with your mother.