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patrick90's blog: "Emotional Angst"

created on 12/02/2011  |  http://fubar.com/emotional-angst/b345017

I am writing this blog, assuming noone will ever read it. This just a place for mee to bounce some crazy thoughts floating around in my head. There is no structure, just a blast of thoughts. Feel free to comment, criticize, or if you want to discuss the "mysteries" of life, let me know.


It was two year ago that I was in college studying science and mathematics. I wish that I could have stayed in school, but unfortunately I suffer from the problem that so many of us struggle from... Lack of money. I had to drop out. At the time I wasn't even sure that I wanted to stay in school. At the time I was experimenting heavily with drugs, and smoking two packs of cigarettes, and drinking heavily. Yet I could easily scrape through classes without studying. Especially in Calculus, and Chemistry. I was unsatisfied with my life. I was at the time a Christian, perhaps not a very good Christian(non denominational), but I know the bible pretty well. I came from a moderately wealthy, conservative family. My father could have been a CEO if he had wanted to. My parents could of payed for my schooling if I had worked harder in high school the said... Still graduated with honors.


Growing up I had the time to study the bible alongside my father. I found the stories interesting. And while my father is a devout christian, I was only ever a luke warm one. I was baptized at 18. Yet a year later I was disavowing my faith. I guess I never believed. I always placed stock on what I could see.


While I was in High School, I was a ferocious reader. My senior year my English teacher took a liking to me because of this. She gave me books to read. I remember reading Waiting for Godot, by Samuel Beckett, Crime and Punishment, The Fountain head, and more in my free time. I was still so ignorant at the time about life. I had yet to have a girlfriend or know a woman. I guess my head was in the clouds. The books were frightening. I had never been exposed to such dangerous ideas, and they awakened something in me. Ideas and truth can be corrupting to those who are unprepared for it.


I was working as a Barista to pay for my car, and to save for school, when I first fell in love with a girl. Or you can say I fell in love with the idea of her. I was 17 and she was 18. We became friends, and she never saw me as anything else. I don't blame her. At the time I was given over to existential angst due to having my walls crumble around me with the awakening of new thoughts. I was broke from buying books everyweek to read. I had no money to go out with her. Whenever we did hang out I was a wet blanket, always constantly brooding, and thinking. Never able to give her what she wanted.


When I went down for college I was lonely, and unsure of myself. I could hardly think straight. I ended up finishing the first semester failng one of my classes due to the fact that I had no interest in going, and missed my final. I guess part of it had to do with the fact that I was busy pursuing what I though was important. Sex, drugs, and Rock & Roll. Mainly Drugs. I did them because they made me feel better, and I liked that. I almost OD'd one night. I had health problems, I had to visit the ER. I got better, and started doing them again.

I began seeing a girl until she broke up with me because of my addiction. It was good while it lasted. She was a temporary shelter from the storm. We had sex, laughed, swore we loved each other, and enjoyed hanging out together.


During my second semester I went out on a date with a girl I had been seeing, to go see No Exit by Sartre. It was such a depressing play, after it the girl broke up with me. I found another girl, she enjoyed talking to me. She laughed when I made jokes, we went for walks, and discussed life. I loved her because she was my shelter from the storm. I kissed her, and she liked it. And I liked her. I finished my second semester, and didn't go back. I never talked to her again, and I moved to SLC, UT.


I now work like a dog, and make a pittance. I am filled with so much painful memories, and feelings. I read, and I think. I am poor, and I wish to go back to school. I have made so many mistakes. I ask myself does it matter? I threw away my religion, abandoned my past, and I have nothing. No past, no future, no tomorrow. There is only blood sputum and sorrow. Every day I think of life and how it could be better. I say to myself, " I don't know." about 50 times a day. My mind is constantly racing.


How many people are unsatisfied with life? With who they are? Unsatisfied with where they are?

It doesn't have to be this way... I think.


This is the first thing I have written in forever. I just had to spit it out. 


  • "We wait. We are bored. (He throws up his hand.) No, don't protest, we are bored to death, there's no denying it. Good. A diversion comes along and what do we do? We let it go to waste... In an instant all will vanish and we'll be alone once more, in the midst of nothingness!"
    - Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot




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