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Do you care that everytime you come into my mind I have such an enourmous need to see you once again? That it breaks my heart when you tell me that you care. I am so full of love for you that I want to cry when I see your name, when I remember your laugh, when I think of the time spent with eachother. I despise you sometimes. You always give me false hope of one day, someday, but in my heart I know it will never be. I guess Im just to afraid to let go. I wish I could. I want to... I need to. I deserve so much better than a man that can continually tell me he cares and doesnt show me one bit of truth in the statement. I am sometimes ashamed of myself for loving you so much. Embarressed at times that I want to weep in the regret I have. I sometimes blame myself for our seperation... What can I do to rid my mind, heart and soul of the devotion I have to you??? I pray to God and ask him to heal the pathetic peices of my heartthat still remain and yet I still cant stop loving you! Why? Why do you have this control over my heart. What is it about you that makes me not want to seek the affection of any other? Why does my whole heart cry out to be loved by you once more? I sometimes wish you had died... it would be so much easier to bear than the pain I feel at this very moment remembering the times we would gaze into eachothers eyes and get lost into our own world. The times when you made me feel that our worlds would end without eachother. How did you do this to me!? How did you wrap me so tightly around your finger. When you show me signs of affection my heart jumps to life like a marionet. My whole soul seems to keep going because I know you are out there! But my mind lets me know, that you are gone. You seem to linger in my life but I do not assume that any actions towards reconciliation loom in the future. Hope is lost to the fantasy world, the reality is this I must let go to move on. Somehow... I regret only losing you. You were my greatest love, my greatest friend, my greatest injury. No person will ever be able to mend the damage you have done to my heart, nor be able to break down the walls that our relationship, and its end, created. I hate that I love you, and forever Ill hate you.

like a hound dog desperately chasing a scent that is long gone to the fierce wind, my heart has lost its love for you. i once thought that i could not live life without you in it, and somehow i stumbled on a life that was good, and you werent in it. you used me like a piece of cloth, and when you were done i was tattered and torn blowing in the wind wondering what in the world had happened, but things have changed. no longer am i weak and needy. no longer do i need you. no longer do i yearn for your love and affection. i see a future and for the first time in a long time, you arent in it, nor is your memory and the pain i felt with it. no longer am i a puppet on strings waiting for its master, im a real girl now. no... not girl. im a woman. a beautiful independent mother. single and free to do as i please. i have finally learned to love my life without you. and though i may never fully rid myself of the love i had for you i know that i can handle that lingering emotion left in me. the voice that once shrieked at the volume of thousands is now so small that i can barely hear it. there are days when i think of you but as the days pass they become less and less. i know that one day you will realize what you lost and what you could have had and you may try to come back to me. but who knows what will happen. i am no longer the young addict searching for something she couldnt seem to find. trying to find something that didnt exist. no... now i am a woman that men will want. The girl of thier dreams, the one you had and gave away. i cant wait. the air around me feels like its been cleansed of pollution. the sky is clearer and the clouds are no where to be seen. the wind is blowing in my face and my hair is dancing in the breeze. i close my eyes stretch out my arms and like the hound dog sitting at my feet... the chase for that scent is over. its time to relax and wait for the next one.

one day as i was laying in a field on my back, my arms stretched out and my eyes closed. the sun shining on my face. i feel its warmth and it remindes me of being in the arms of a lover. carefree and blissful. not having to say a word and just knowing all the words. its like being able to complete a complicated task while being blindfolded. and as i lay there i begin to daydream of a man. his eyes shone into my soul like a child playing with a magnifying glass. they ignited a passion in me that was wild and untamed. his hands were rough and callused but when they touched me it was the softest lightest touch i'd ever felt. as though he was handling such a rare artifact and did not want to damage it in anyway. and when he spoke to me it was like listening to the most amazing song id ever heard, every word he spoke seemed to caress my heart and stimulate my mind. i felt my self becoming lost within him. its as though i was lost in a labyrinth and was walking in circles. this man made everything feel so right on so many different levels that it felt euphoric. erotic almost. it was like being on a rollercoaster and not ever wanting to get off. and right as i was taking it all in and just letting the dream take its own path something happened. i heard a voice behind me calling. and then another voice to my side. and as i turned to see who it was a fog clouded my line of sight. i could hear the voices and vaguely see that there was something there. every time i took a step towards them they seemed to move to a different location. the harder i tried the more voices i heard and it was impossible to find what i was looking for. i cried out to the man of my dream to help me, but he only came and tried to hold me. tried to tell me to let go, forget the voices and stay with him. he was all i needed. but i pushed him away. he began to change. he was no longer amazingly handsome with an unnatural power over my senses. he became a disgusting troll of a creature and he began to chase me! tears streaming down my face i ran and ran. until i ran into a wall, it stretched from left to right further than i could see. it wasnt very tall. there was nothing else to do but climb. i struggled and slipped and made very slow progress but finally i reached the top and... i woke up. sitting straight up where i lay i looked around. the sun was sliding down into the horizon turning the sky shades of purple and red and blue. the stars were begining to shine in the distance and the sound of crickets and other nighttime creatures could be heard in the distance. i sighed. thank goodness it was just a dream. or was it.

standing by the river looking at myself in the water. i see a girl there that i do not know. in my mind i know shes me... but she is so unrecognizable. i remember a girl, wild and free, careless and spontaneous. always surrounded by people. people she thought were here friends mostly. she did stupid thing, made bad choices and didnt really seem to care about what the out come was. she was always in love, always trying to find "the one", the next hit, the next fuck, the next party. next next next. the story of her life. she wanted to be like a leaf in the wind. she was a moth to a flame. danger was her favorite thing. she wanted a good life but always chose the bad one. she was never happy truly, no matter what lies she told herself. the men she laid next to seemed like pawns to her, she wanted a knight, or even the king. she would do what she had to get to were she wanted. in the end she was the pawn. just an easy girl to pass the time. she had her heart broken more times than she could count. more times than she wanted to remember. she tried to be tough and play the game, but inside she felt hollow. unworthy. ashamed of all the things she did, even though she knew better. i know that girl. but this girl in the water, whose reflection is mine, i dont know her. shes got a smile on her face but you can see that there are many walls trying to hide that broken place. shes got a child in her arms that she holds onto tightly, as though he might fly away in the breeze. theres no one around her beside her or near her. shes alone. if shes afraid shes hiding it. who is this girl? i cant figure her out. i want to understand her...

I cant share this with facebook... and I dont use myspace so FuBar.... I turn to you! LoL. 

Okay, So I am losing my mind and I dont know where to turn. My doctor told me that I may have an underlying bipolar disorder... Now Idk why but this depresses me beyond belief. On top of that I cant find a psych counsellor so I can treat this and also I cant seem to get enough time off to actually take care of these issues. 

Lord help me... please. 

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