AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself, "What majestic
trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast
as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was
closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and
fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was
right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right
paw to strike him. At that instant, the Atheist cried out, "Oh God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my
existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit
creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, You could
make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and
spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen."
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Have you ever told a white lie?
You are going to love this. (Especially anyone who has baked for
church events.)
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies'
Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot about it until the last Minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging
through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it. While
drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But, when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the
cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time bake another
cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit
in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to
build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of
toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did
the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head
for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy
this cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the
attractive, perfect cake had already been sold! Amanda grabbed her cell phone
and called her mother.
Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would
know! What would they think of her? She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed.
That night Alice was lying awake in bed thinking about people pointing
their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day Alice promised herself that she would try not to
think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at
the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time there.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a real
snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because Alice was a
single parent and not from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa.
Having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse
to stay away. The meal was elegant; the company was definitely upper crust Old
South...To Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw it being
brought in. She started out of her chair to rush to the hostess and tell her
all about it, but before she could get to her feet the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
"Thank you", said the snobby hostess, "I baked it myself!"
Alice sat back and smiled, "GOD IS GOOD".
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around -- just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall (because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at night and either sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she's going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim.
Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood."
Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
