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To the guy who tried to mug me in downtown night before last. I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.
Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Springfield Operator Custom Pro Package M1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants.
I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or
"Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. She really didn't sound very pleased.. She said you take after your dad, wherever he is. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150
gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet. I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the
windshield and side window out and keyed the driver's side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.. .
I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
- Alex -
P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!

Snatch Wars... might be a bit of naughty language

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but they are funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child
has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to
breed.

3. Your child has delusions of
adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village
somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal
standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full
six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together.

7. This child has been working with
glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ
reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are
flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more
stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe
the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the
hamster is definitely dead.

W0W

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).  We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.  My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. 

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.


'Got drunk once, and made love to a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

-- In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.) -- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. -- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (Apparently it's OK for woman.) -- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. -- Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms. -- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. -- In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! -- The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. -- An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! -- A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by theirfemale counterparts. -- In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on. -- In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." -- It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. -- A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. (Ouch! These pasties hurt!) -- Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species, excepting insects, in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex. (Insectophiles apparently were successful in their lobbying efforts.) -- Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. -- In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. -- Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio -- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" -- No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. -- It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.
Drill Sergeant Joe B. Fricks Rules for a Gunfight My memories of BCT at Ft. Benning | Drill Sgt (E-7) Joe B. Frick DRILL SERGEANT JOE B. FRICK'S RULES FOR A GUN, KNIFE, BASEBALL BAT OR FIST FIGHT 1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need. 2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap - life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap - funerals are expensive 3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss. 4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly. 5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.) 6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun. 7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived. 8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause them to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Intruder," "Glock" or "Winchester?" 9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun. 10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty. 11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 12. Have a plan. 13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. "No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy." 14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them. 15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. 16. Don't drop your guard. 17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That's how you live if hit in your "good" side. 18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.) 19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH. 20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get. 21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you. 22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one. 23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation. 24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4". 25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket." At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later. 26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc. 27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature. 28. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, "He said he was going to kill me. I believed him. I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm very upset now. I can't say anything more. Please speak with my attorney." Finally, Drill Sergeant Frick's Rules For Unarmed Combat. 1: Never be unarmed. 2: If you have your hands, your feet, your mind and your Spirit as an American Soldier, Sailor, Airman, Marine or Coastie, you are never unarmed.
Here are some tres interesting tidbits about the most talked about subject in the universe. 1. According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches. 2. The most common fantasy is oral sex. 3. 8% of us have regular anal sex. 4. 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand. 5. Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold. 6. In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed. 7. Men say the average erect penis is 10″. Women say itís 4″. 8. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex. 9. 56% of men have had sex at work. 10. Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an average of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14. 11. 1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair. 12. 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs. 13. The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour. 14. A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunction because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night. 15. At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful orgasm. 16. Englandís King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse. 17. 29% of us are virgins when we marry. 18. The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes. 19. 58% like dirty talk during sex. 20. 22% rent porno flicks at least once. 21. Given todayís average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.
TULSA, Okla. ó One of the most deadly spiders in the world has been found in the produce section of a Tulsa grocery store. An employee of Whole Foods Market found the Brazilian Wandering Spider Sunday in bananas from Honduras and managed to catch it in a container. The spider was given to University of Tulsa Animal Facilities director Terry Childs who said this type of spider kills more people than any other. Childs said a bite will kill a person in about 25 minutes and while there is an antidote he doesn't know of any in the Tulsa area. Spiders often are found in imported produce, and a manager at Whole Foods says the store regularly checks its goods and that's how the spider was found. Oddly, the Brazilian spider delivers more than a painful bite that sends most victims to the hospital. Researchers have found its venom also stimulates an hours-long erection in men. Patients not only experience overall pain and an increase in blood pressure, they also sport an uncomfortable erection. In Brazil, emergency room staff can immediately spot the victims of a bite. "The erection is a side effect that everybody who gets stung by this spider will experience along with the pain and discomfort," said study team member Romulo Leite of the Medical College of Georgia, presumably speaking only about male bite victims. "We're hoping eventually this will end up in the development of real drugs for the treatment of erectile dysfunction."
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you tried. When all else fails, read the directions. Welcome to Hell...Here's your accordion. He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. Never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fists. The only time I open my mouth is to change feet. Happiness can't buy money. True friends always stab you in the front. I'll have to think twice about it before I give it a second thought. There is more to life than increasing its speed. Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry. The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it. A coward is a hero with a wife, kids and a mortgage. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. Conscience: What hurts when everything else feels so good. Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy! You're schizophrenic? Gee, that makes four of us. Why is the word 'Abbreviation' so long? If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. Skydiving - Good to the last drop. If a tree fell on the florist, would he make any sound? A penny saved is a congressional oversight. Error. Keyboard not found. Press any key to continue... A day without sunshine is like ... night. Floggings will continue until morale improves. All's well that ends. It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications. What if there were no hypothetical situations? Dyslexics of the world untie! A cat will blink when struck with a hammer. Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a better defense. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. As I said before, I never repeat myself. Forgive your enemies, but remember their names.

Love

Love is holding someone when you know they are going to puke on you.
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