To the guy who tried to mug me in downtown night before last. I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.
Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Springfield Operator Custom Pro Package M1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants.
I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or
"Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. She really didn't sound very pleased.. She said you take after your dad, wherever he is. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150
gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet. I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the
windshield and side window out and keyed the driver's side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.. .
I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
- Alex -
P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but they are funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child
has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to
3. Your child has delusions of
4. Your son is depriving a village
somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal
standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full
six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
7. This child has been working with
glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ
reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are
flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more
stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe
the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the
hamster is definitely dead.
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and made love to a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'