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GR82BME's blog: "Random Thoughts"

created on 10/10/2006  |  http://fubar.com/random-thoughts/b12158
I remember "walking to school, in bare feet, in the snow, uphill both ways" (just kidding). Actually, if I wanted to, I could probably tell you the names of every teacher I had from Kindergarten through High School, not because I'm that good at remembering, but because there are traumatic experiences related to almost every year of school. I can't think of one year off the top of my head that something bad didn't happen. Kindergarten was te year I broke my ankle on Halloween while Trick-or-Treating, and for some reason, I remember being carried into the school for a party for Halloween and I remember getting laughed at by all the kids because my dad carried me into school. First thruogh 8th grade were in a Catholic School--with mostly nuns for teachers---now if that doesn't bring nightmares, nothing will. Which brings me to a question---If these "religous" people are supposed to be excellent examples of the way we should be, why would they ridicule and belittle children who were poor, and a bit different from the other kids? I was a "good" kid, meaning I was a wuz for most of my early years. Self esteem was a charecteristic I did not posess. Oh, I was bright enough a student, but I became lazy and uncaring, because no matter what I did, I was ostricized by the other kids. (nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some worms) (wah, wah---poor Kenny). I never was accepted by the kids, no matter what I did. I was a very good athlete--but no one liked me, I was a good student---but no one liked me. I did everything I could to be nice to people--but nothing mattered. Once in high school, I thought things would change. They did. None of the guys liked me, but the teachers did, and almost all of my friends were girls. I became involved in sports, music and drama (I love to sing, dance and act)---gee, maybe that's why I wasn't liked. Also, I was ill a lot--spent time in a psych ward and almost killed myself. All in all, I guess your typical childhood memories of school. But, looking back, I wouldn't have changed a thing---all of the experiences of that time made me a stronger person in the long run---and I am thankful for the person I have become.
I was brought up in a very modest family. Neither of my parentsd finished high school-my dad quit and went in the service and my mom quit to marry my dad. Why would anyone's parents let their daughter drop out in the tenth grade to get married if she wasn't pregnant?? What were they thinking??? Well, anyway....... the had kids (obviously)(DUH) moved out of the trailer they lived in and bought a house. Would you believe my mom STILL has the newspaper add that prompted them to look at the house--not to mention the receipt for the downpayment, and EVRY SINGLE receipt for ANYTHING they have ever bought. Who in their right mind does that? My dad says that I will have to deal with it when thery're gone. I mean the entire attic of the house is filled with boxes and boxes of receipts and notebooks chronicalling all the purchases. And people wonder why I'm anal about some things :) (see, I told you I go off on tangents!!) SO..... I was the middle son of 3 boys---you know, the one who gets "lost in the sauce" so to speak--the one who can't get away with anything because his big brother already tried stuff and the parents get smart---the one who can't go anywhere because his brother screwed up--the one who is not as good as the big brother and not as cute as the little brother (sorry, do I seem like I'm whining?...Wheres the chees to go with the whine?)So... I guess i was just about your typical kid growing up in a lower-middle class home in a typical neighborhood in the early 1960's. Well--enough for now--more later
Every person has a million thoughts that flash through their brains. These are going to be the ramblings of a middle class guy, approaching 50 (GASP), who, one day while driving to work (well actually while stuck in traffic), decided,, rather than to just let these thoughts pass in and out of the abyss, to try to remember them to write down, when he looked back, he would remember what his thoughts, feelings, and beliefs were at this time, and what makes him tick, and made him as STRANGE as he is. SO.... since I have this forum, I thought maybe I would do it here, just in case anyone else was interested, not that I could understand why). I warn you, I have a tendency to ramble at times and go off on tangents that seem unrelated---but that's OK--it's part of the jumbled mess I like to call "MY MIND" Continued tomorrow.....
I gotta tell you, this getting separated and breaking off a relationship after 30 years is a tough thing to do. People just don't know how hard it is, even if you are unhapy in your relationship, to make that step to make a change. I think that may be the toughest part--taking the first step--because we all think as the old saying goes: "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't". But after you take that first step off the cliff, you realize that now you can be responsible for your own happiness---and life will be for you what you make of it. It becomes sort of exciting. At times, you get almost giddy, and at others are scared to death, but all in all, so far I like the ride. People have asked---are you lonely. My answer is: No. there is a difference between being alone and lonely. Being alone is a state of being---being lonely is a state of mind. A person can be alone and not lonely--or lonely but not alone. As long as you feel good about who you are, there is no reason to feel lonely. There is another side to the story though, and that's the other person who was in the relationship with you. Sometimes they may have a hard time adjusting to the new challenges that are thrust upon them. They are in the same type of boat you are, but it isn't of their choosing so it is probably a lot scarier and lonlier for them. Well---enough for now
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