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My grandmother will be 96 on 9/11 of this year, but she will not be here to celebrate this birthday.
For the past 32 years I have been able to pick up the phone and call. Get any kind of advice that i needed. Soon that will be gone. My emotions are raw, my eyes hurt from crying and I struggle with understanding so much in life.
See, my grandmother fell on Tuesday. After the fall she complained of her stomach hurting very badly. A CT Scan was done to figure out what was the cause of the pain. We are told that she has cancer. Not just in one place but all over. The one woman that has been healthy, always on the go, is now sick with no symptoms to show.
Yesterday Hospice came in and evaluated her. Took her to their facility to get pain management under control. All we can do now is keep her comfortable. After the facility doctors came in, he let us know that in cases like this, the patient usually dies in four weeks.
I sit here feeling sorrow, pain, distress at times and in awe as well. I feel excitement to think that my grandmother will soon meet her maker. She will be with her husband, son and two daughters that have already left us. I wonder what it will be like when she gets to see all of her brothers and sisters as well as her mom adn dad. (she was one of 12 children and the only one that is still with us)
My grandmother made beautiful afghans and porcelain dolls. She would pour into a mold, wait for them to harden, fire them, paint them, dress them, and yes she even showed them and won some awards.
She took care of family when needed and would not accept help from others when she was down. I look up at her with gratitude and praise. I strive to be a woman like her. To care for my family and friends when I am needed. To be quick to listen and slow to answer. To give my all in doing a task, not just half of me but all of me.
She loved one man. We lost him when I was around 5, I think. She never married again. She always said that John was her only love and no man could be like him. She would talk of him and you could see the spark in her eyes. She love the Marine that defended his country and the man that came home from war to start a family business to provide for his family.
I will really miss her. I can hear her voice in my ears telling me, Wendy I am here. Even though I am gone, I am still with you. So, even as my heart is breaking, I know deep down even when she dies, she will still be with me, cheering me on through my life.
Tell me what is on your mind,
Is it good or bad?
Do you lay awake at night?
Or ever wonder if I am happy or sad?
Is there one thing in your life,
That you never want to be without?
Please take the time to tell me,
What is your life all about?
I want to know all about you,
From the beginning to the end.
I want to know just where in your life,
Do you see that I fit in.
Do you have days that are bad?
When you wish you could share?
But you feel you have no one,
I am here and I really care.
I don’t know what the future holds.
I am not sure what tomorrow will bring.
I just know that at this moment in time,
You happen to be my life and my everything.
Sometimes I just don’t understand
just what you see in me,
When I look deep inside myself
I only see what could be.
A plain little person, with a lot to give
A very lonely person, just trying to live.
Never knowing what to do
as I face each day a new
Only hoping and praying that my day
will be spent with only you.
Trying hard to understand
Just what we have become
Sometimes I just don’t understand
where all these feelings are from.
I love you because you make me happy
and I love you because you sometimes make me blue,
I can only say for sure
I love you because you are you.
For taking time to say hello
when most of your time is not free
For coming to me at the end of the day
just to say that you care for me.
Just to know you are here for me
brings joy beyond belief
It’s like when the rain falls to the dried up land
to bring earth it’s sweet relief.
You’re the rainbow on my darkest days
when nothing seems to go right.
You’re the beautiful sunrise on my face
after a very long restful night.
To me you’re a wish come true
that I never thought to be granted
For you my dear is all in life
that I really ever wanted.
