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just writting...

contrary to popular belief I am not perfect, I am not a saint, I am not a mind reader, I am not a millionaire... what I am is an imperfect bitchy broken mess with a heart a mindset that cause me a lot of pain and happiness all at the same time... A girl with a mindset that everyone ELSE needs to be happy and my needs and wants will come later or that the people i am caring for will take care of my needs... and in the end there usually isn't enough of anything left for me... Why is it that no one can see that all i want is for some one to love and care for me as much as i do for them... i want them to think of me before themselves... goodness knows i think of them and their wants and needs before my own... why is it so hard for others to do the same... I am tired of feeling used and abused and bitchy...

Random Old stuff...

So I can not seem to find sleep, so I am going to start a blog on here.. I mean why not...

 

The things that are going to be posted in this first one are things I have written in the past. They express how I felt at that place and time... Some are poetic others just random thoughts, but all were written down to help clear my head.

 

This was written on a day where I had waited all day to talk to that special some one and things just did not work out that way:

   I waited for what seemed like days to talk to you again, and then when i finally get the chance you are to fucking out of it to really even give a shit.

I felt great almost all day... even took a bunch of pics because i thought i looked adorable... and all i wanted to do was finish my night off showing them to you and talking to you like we used to do... why was i so stupid to think that the small things that make me incredibly happy would actually matter to you.

time to pop another sleeping pill, i dont want to cry anymore...

 


This one was written on a night... well morning much like tonight where sleep avoided me and my mind raced with thoughts and fears that I could not just let go.

   This is all just random things going through my head... i don't expect it to make any sence just hoping it will help me get to sleep...


I can't sleep... All I can do is lay in bed and think of you.I wonder if you ever lay awake and think of me...

I lay here longing to have you next to me... to hear you heart beat as I rest my head on you chest.

I want to finally feel whole again... With out you by my side i am incomplete and lost.

I almost smoked a clove today just so I could be reminded of you, and be surrounded by a familiar taste and smell.

My mind is racing with a thousand thoughts and fears...

I am so afraid of loosing you it makes me cry, I am so very lost with out you and its only been a few days... i am terrified to think of what my life would be like with out you forever. Yes i managed to go a month with out seeing or being with you, but that was the worst month of my life in a very very long time... I don't think i have ever been consumed by such sadness and loneliness.

You are my everything... You are my world.... My other half, my best friend, my lover. When you are not here I am incomplete. When you are not here my world is cold and dark, in a way that scares me.

There is so much more running through my head... the thoughts are all jumbled... all I know is that I Love you, I have since the first time we went to the beach together.... That night as we stood there in the moon light I wanted nothing more then to kiss you and tell you how I felt.... I am so very sorry that I didn't because if I had things would be so very different now... Maybe I would not be laying alone tonight in my bed with nothing more then the thoughts in my head and the tears in my eyes....But the past is the past there is nothing i can do to change that... but know this no matter what words may come out of my mouth... I love you and i always will.... and no matter what I will do what i can to make it work and make you mine.

 

This one was written when I was at a loss of words or actions... I think it kinda explains itself.

   I love him with all that i am... but no matter what i seem to do or say things just seem to get farther and farther away.... When i try to tell him how i feel the words never come out right... as of late all we do is fight... and all i want to do is make things right...

 

Thoughts for tonight...

There are thought still that flood my mind as I write this entry but I can not seem to make the words come out right. All I know for sure is that my mind is flooded with thoughts of him and the things he has said and done... some new some old... But I made a promise to myself not to go back down that path again... I have given him all the chances my heart can stand to give... tho I feel lost and empty with out him I have to tell my self it was for the best.

 

The words you have poseted bring so many questions to mind that I want answers to... but in order to get those answers i have to let you back in... and that is something my heart can not bare. I want to know what words play over and over in your head... There were so many that I wished haunted you for days to come... The ones i wish for most are the ones that broke my heart and soul the most... I want them to haunt and hurt you as they do me every passing day... I want them to keep you up at night and bring tears to your eyes as they do mine every time they come to mind... They are my constant steady reminder of why i am better off with out you... why i should not go back to you... even tho its what my heart wants oh so badly...

  I want to know why the words you post dont match the other actions i have seen you take... I want to know why your words say you miss me so much but then other places you do everything but talk about me and how much you miss me. I want to know why you say i may have been the one for you... but you post nothing but things of people form your past... some you say you are glad to be rid of and others you wish you had back... but none of them are of me... So why should i beleive that you truely miss me at all... how do i know that you have not just gone back to the other one in your life? the one you spent so many months trying to convince me you wanted nothing to do with... but yet she is the one that seems to get most of you attention... even after you two are no more she is still the one you post about most.

  I want to know why you made so many promises to me and hardly ever kept any... I want to know why you had me work so hard at making us work and then just turned around and told me it was all a lie and was something you did not want and something that would never work... I want to know why a few months after that you came to me and said you wanted me back and that you wanted there to be an us now and forever... I want to know why you got mad at me when I asked for time to figure things out... I want to know why you lied to me for an entire month about taking a break from me and everyone else... I want to know why you hurt me so... I want to know why you lied about things that never should have been lied about... I want to know why you want me to be totally open and honest with you but you could never do the same in return...

  There is so much more i want to know... so many questions i want to ask and answers i want to seek... but i know it would do me no good... you never were one for answering questions... So now i take myself to bed with all these unanswred questions in my head...


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