anthonyz2332's blog: "Random rant"

   I have just stated to work on a portait of my grandfather and his siblings. Some of witch were gone befor I was born.. Only ones left are my two uncles out of 7.. plan to give them prints when I finish...I was very closse to my grandfather and am close to his brothers .. I've done many porteaits befor but this one is personal and I feel intimidated by it.. But I havr faith in my abilitys and hope I can pull my head out of my ass to finish this

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Hey it's been one of those weeks were no matter how hard yoou try you just can't seem to break ahead. I have been trying to find steady work for eight months but nothinig is out thier. Trying to make a living as a free lance artist sucks.. No ine thinks about the time and effort put into making their piece, and like just anyone can do this.. I'd love to see some one pick up a brush and see what comes out.. just sick and tiered of main stream america thinking any one can be an artist.. it's not easy takes years of practice and finding out your own style and you will never stop learning no matter how good you get.. Sorry for the random rant but hell I feel a little better

   I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in a foreign film and can't see the subtitles.... I have a lot of natural talent I'm a self taught Artist and musician... I'm thankful for those outlets because they have gotten me through some very tough times but still can't figure out why I have them....Only been painting for two years and everyone who's seen my first painting thinks I've been doing it all my life.. Now I',m doing murals in new houses custom...  But don't feel like I was supposed to have these gifts.. Accost from the random paychecks they create I'm not taking it anywhere... I'm a bit of a fucking loner.. I play in a band but asides from rehearsal's and shows .. Oh the occasional job I can come by.. I stay home and to myself..... I feel pretty down on myself lately. Have a lot of time just to think being stranded in the mid-west.. I'm happy for my family their all doing well but I know that I'm the black sheep.. I don't want to be I'd give up music and art for the exciting life of an accountant.......

    I'm sick of this starving artist shit and seeing myself as a piece of shit.... I try to view the world like everyone else but can't..... It's depressing as hell... Been signaled out since I was a kid. Grew had a ear surgery when I was six and been half def ever since... only able to hear from one side sucks.. Even ehen I play I play by feel through the vibrations not by sound I just wish I could no what it would be like to hear like everyone else..... Pl use I was a fat ass growing up looked like an umpa lumpa wadaling into the place..... No friends other than ben and jerrys .... Even though I lost most of the weight ....stop I weigh now what i did when I was thirteen... I'm 5'11 now then I was 5'4" almost two hundred pounds....

Usually don't go into a pitty type rant but fuck it not like anyone will read ths shit...