HeavenIsTheMomentInLifeWhenYouActuallyFe...'s blog: "Random Poetry"

well I've been a busy bee... working my ass off and getting taken advantaqe of recently but that's about it... same as usual lol. been having dreams about my mommy lately... that's about it... still with my man lol... = 0 )

Sinking lower Almost as far as I can go Swimming in a lake of Depression Rejection And Shame's putrid liquid embodiment My head beneath the surface Flailing and gasping for the smallest breath It draws me down The lower I go The more it stings It hurts more than ever before Can't take a breath I'm already choking it in It's thicker, darker stronger than it was It burns me from the inside It rapes me of my dignity My pride My self worth I have almost nothing left No more fight to give My arm is extended But there is no help My eyes have swelled with Tears I can't see Can't help myself My heart slows My mind falters My body gives way I keep sinking

Once again I'm brought back to this place Tears come to my eyes Memories fill my mind The thoughts of the once was They pour over me Until nothing else survives A touch floods my sences Stronger than it ever was before The sensation is embracable Makes my body quake My knees buckle The thought The Visual The effect of something that used to be real I want it to be real again The power of the emotion A glace A stare makes you melt Flow into the memory of what once was It's gone once more I want it to be real again... Lord knows that long term relationships have heart aches... *sigh*

It's about time To give up hope I've tried for so long It's too hard To keep hanging on Don't want to say good bye But it's hard to have things All one sided I care too much I want to hear you say Just hi would be good enough today It's been too long I've waited my time What is so wrong with me That you wont even tell me goodbye Keep me hanging on Looking for hope My hope is dying out It's my time Time To let go I'm out of time Back to reality I go Watch him leave Walk though the door He'll never re-enter again It's time to breath It's time to cry It's time to face myself and all the reasons why I gave up hope today

My eyes are sore I can cry no more My tears are stone But then again Now so am I You've taken my heart Pulled it out Grasped it with your hand Squeezed it tight Drained it of all it's blood You Made me believe I'm wanted You Made me believe I'm cared for You made me Believe I was safe I can't belive I believed you When you were the one that has left these scars Scars on my heart Scars on my soul Scars on my trust Scars on my Belief Scars on my life I hope you get what you deserve You lying Cowardly Bastard

Here I am So alone Wanted by many Loved by few Here is my body It is but a shell I am much more I have a soul It dwells in this hollow shell This young body Is tired out It's soul is keeping it going But now it's slowing The demand for it to be gone For nothing to be For me to just be A play toy This old soul Wants so much more Wants love Freedom Happiness To share it's feelings With another To feel like it belongs Safe and sound But now it's being brought down Bound up By Sex Lies Betrayal And fear I'm too young to want to give up But here I am This old soul wanting to drown out the world

How come everything you come to learn and feel always tells you that you're wrong? How come the things you thought to be true and wonderful almost always betray you? How come the things you come to care about the most and will do anything for it turns out to be something you thought it wasn't? I would do anything for the people in my life that I care about and love... how come other's wouldn't do the same? I want to know someone inside and out and have someone know me that way as well and want me to know them and feel them in that mannor... Just to know someone and feel their presence becuase it is so strong to them... How come no one wants that anymore? How come people who's arrogance is the strongest are also the ones who attract those who can't say no? How come all of these things come to pass? how is it that everytime something goes right two things go wrong? How come all of a sudden the world looks so lonely, cold and bitter? maybe it's just the way I preceve things and the world that makes me the odd one out....

All my dreams locked up My body aches My heart desires My mind wants I need it now Like I've ever needed anything before I crave it now My body arches with anticipation But I don't get it Makes me want it all the more Teases me, Tempts me Toutures me until I give in I crave it now I want to feel I want to touch I want it now I need it so much I crave it now His hair shines His eyes sudictive His body so bold So inticing,So desireable I crave it now I need it now He'll give it to me He wants me to ask He teases me with a touch With a kiss that's so delisious I don't think he knows what he's doing The way he holds me I think he does... I crave it now I push him down I want to make him need me I want to make him want me more than he already does I crave it now Keeping him down And playing with him I want to make him moan and scream I want to make him want it more than me I crave it now I want to have him I want to play with him I want to keep him for myself I want it now I want it from him He's been the best that I've had I want it now I crave it now Did I make it clear About what I want I hope I did Because I want it so bad I crave it now

He's the one who hides his eyes from me He's the one who shields his face And hides from my embrace For he knows that I'll see right through his facade Down the path of life he goes Not knowing not careing where he'll end up He's the one who has helped me though it all He's the one who's there to catch me when I fall He's the one to make me smile when I'm down And he's the one who'll never let me down He's the one who'll always be there for me He's the one who'll take care of me when I'm sick He's the one who I want for my life, my soul and he's the one who I want for me

as I sit here I wait for you I wait for you to appear as I sit here I think of you in antisipation of what I might hear as I sit here I know who you are you are my love my salvation my friend as I sit here I know you will come as you always have I know you will come as I sit here waiting for you to appear I know you will help me with my daily bouts as I sit here I try to think of how much I mean to you and if you even care as I sit here I have my doubts waiting is nerve wrecking, I've done this too much and as I sit here I think I know how much you really care but as always I'll sit here and wait because I'll always wait for you no matter what