Chaotik Element's blog: "Random Poetry"

I wonder why the last woman I said I love you to didn't love me back, I wonder why she left & why we went our seperate ways like that. I wonder why I don't look at women as I should, I wonder why sometimes I feel no good behind this darkness and neon glow. I wonder why I sit and watch the sun come up, this ones for those I loved who I lost and for all my wishes and plans. I cast my shadow on a darkend wall,like bare hands. I wonder why my life won't move ahead, having nightmares of demons, devils, you and the dead instead. So to the last woman I said I love you to, I'm not sorry for saying it because C.R. I do love you. I always have, and I'm sure I always will, with all my heart and free will as long as my heart beats red. Beats still. Now I regret not telling you sooner, but it was said. To have your kiss and die, I would happily be dead.

Two people once met each other, different yet close but from another mother. They became friends, but never got close, by the time the truth came out it was beyond too close. He told her one night after years you see, but two were never closer as its not what she wanted you see. He explained it all, knew she'd never fall but knew they'd never share the same call. She was shocked, but knew he'd never lie so the truth now came to the surface like missiles to earth but its too late now as they fade away. He thinks of her during these days, the feelings deeper then love, he swore she was an angel from above. So they continue their lives, as if nothings changed, but he moves on, staying and feeling somewhat the same.

Like night to day, I'll live to die another day or just simply into darkness, fade away. The water will run, the rain will fall, the sun will sink and perhaps I'll fall. I'll keep my heart away from where it was, why should I block it out? Part of me says just because. Another day will become another month to a year, another regret and more to do before I die and leave here. To know my mind, to know the contents, all I've lost and that what I wish to find. Lost thoughts, lost dreams, lost wishes I might never find.

Different things are pulling me each way, its driving me nuts inside each day & each night. I hate how it feels, maybe its part of a plan, I just don't know at this point, maybe I'll never understand. Different people are calling me, maybe thats what it takes for the falling of me, or my perspective should change. So much is always calling my name, the difference between ave life and shame. I'll zone in and out again, I hope you choke on bullshit like gimmicks once again.

All these doors and choices are opening up, which door to take, what way to go? If I open up this one another two open, if I close this one two get locked and I get knocked. Flat on my ass, what can I grasp? Nothing can make a change, now its gone and its going quick, and fast. If I follow my heart, will shit fade or last? Only time tells what'll repeat and what'll last.

I'm sorry I made you cry, I'm sorry I made you feel stressed. I'm sorry that I couldn't get the whole truth out my mouth, and off my chest. I'm sorry that I made you feel this way, sometimes I wish I'd never crossed your way. It feels like its my fault, my doing,maybe it is maybe not I can't honestly say. You've pushed me away, with every reason to, and if I never hear from you again, or never speak to you I'd understand. I hurt you deep inside, indeed maybe for now we just need some time to think and breathe. So for now I wish I could take all your hurt back, in the end I'm sorry if I take the words back. Call it my insecurities, not a lie. I'm confused at this point, and your not alone, your not the only one who doesn't really know. They say love will tear us apart again, maybe its true in the end. I can't keep typing this shit anymore, so for now I feel ready to collapse on the floor.

Could we slow down? Its like its all going too fast, too quick, any faster and I'd get motion sick. I tried to go with the flow, with the grain but instead I got washed away. I could never slow down, and say, yo hold up I got to hold on to this chance like the last slow dance. So, we sped up on this fuckin turn now we both gotten burned. In the end will I stand by the same as before, protect and defend or will this go with the flow like time? Experience is something you just can't ignore.

I'm here,I'll stand my ground no matter the earth quakes or the world when it shakes. I'm tired of being rushed when my world starts to make sense, is it wrong when I want to vent? To slow shit down when things start to make sense,they call my lyrics an outlet but for so long being told I'm good didn't seem right, didn't make much sense. So I stand strong despite anything, despite night runs and fights, it'll take more then a punk and a knife to scare me cause I'm here to stay. Say what you say, do what you want to but know I'm not the one whos scared of you. Can't you see, clearly, I could careless about your claims and decincy. I'm still here, and standing strong, you can't see eye to eye with me, but the world spins on so hold on tight, be strong, never give up the fight.

Shes pushing me away, she hates me so. When I walk, is she glad that I will go? I try to tell her, I tried to speak, but these words only made me weak. She shoved me away, consciously I wonder if its what she wants from me? To know she hurts, could make me bleed. Its all too much, I'll wake up in pain, curled in bed as such in reality would hurt me. Carry on,hold on, be strong even if it turns out you want me gone. I could walk away, but I'd rather be your support and try to stay.My body aches,if its true then what more can I take? I took off my cool, look at it now, if its true what I saw in this dream, I'll feel like a fool.

Does she love me, does she hate me? I don't know, what does she think of me? Maybe shes let me go, I just don't know. How does she see me, maybe I'll never know. She understands me, I can make her smile, this I know. Could she make me smile and blush, or is this all too much?