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Sure, I'm a dude, but I can still tell you that you dress like an FFR. See, FFR is the new replacement for BFF, except that it stands for Fat Fucking Retard. So many dirty slobs looking like a douche. Well, I'm hear to help with some friendly tips for you losers:
If you wear it to the gym, they are not clothes, they are sweats. This goes for all you IROC driving hair metal fuckers still wearing wrestling crazy pants. Be comfortable in your own goddam home. When you are out in public, try to look a little better than the jackass that always hogs the treadmill just to walk at 1MPH. Damn FFR.
If you wear it to bed, they are not clothes, they are pajamas. You stupid little bitches know what I am talking about. Sure, you think it is all cute to wear fucking PJs out in public. Where is your dumbass teddy bear? Here, let me read you a bedtime story - "There once was an angry old fuck that kicked the shit out of people wearing pajamas outside and the world was a better place. The end."
If you wear it to the club, don't wear it during the day. Sure, looking like a fucking ho is pretty OK at night (and if you're lucky, I might let you talk to me), but looking like a jizz skank during the day is pretty lame. And if you really are an FFR, then I don't want to see your night life outfit that is a combination of sci-fi goober and hog farm.
If you are not a hunter or in active military, camo and fatigues makes you look like a dillhole. Oh, you say that you ARE a hunter. Well, you are in the city, so hunting male bunghole doesn't count.
Ugh boots. Seriously?! Just because dumbshit Cameron Diaz wore Uggs with jeans once in 2004 doesn't mean they are cool. She is also razor thin and you, well, you aren't. You look like a fucking cave dweller. And if you are an FFR, then you looking even shorter and dumpier. Get some normal shoes you jackass.
I'm here to help. You're welcome.
It's just not working out. It's just that,....well, you're a goat and I'm a human. People don't understand what we have between us.
Baaaaa baaaaa
No, this isn't easy for me...
Baaaaa baaaaa
Don't you think this hurts me, too?! All those sleepless nights I stayed over in your pen.
Baaaaa baaaaa
Of course I remember the weekend in Paris.
Baaaaa baaaaa
Sure, and the weekend in Rome, too. But that's all behind us now, we have to move forward.
Baaaaa baaaaa
No, don't look at me like that. I can't bear to see tears in those big eyes.
Baaaaa baaaaa
I'm sorry, this is how it has to be. Here, I have a carrot and some oats for you.
Baaaaa baaaaa Baaaaa baaaaa Baaaaa baaaaa Baaaaa baaaaa.....
People are reaching out and giving me virtual drinks. Mighty neighborly. Then I start thinking, "You know, that beer looks pretty damn good right about now", but I'm at the computer and too lazy to go get a real one. So I start licking the screen. Damn screen doesn't taste like a frosty cold one, it taste like dust and plastic. How the fuck is that cool and refreshing?! Where the hell is the 3D web I was promised? I want to see the virtual beer, then have the screen open up and give me a real beer. Star Trek is full of shit.
"Hey, open mic night at the Red Room. Last time I was involved in 'open mic' night, it turned out to be a contest at a gay bar.."
Then the drummer would be all, 'badoom psssshhhh'
"drummer, thanks for the rim shot. It reminds me of the same night..."
'badoom psssshhhh'
"I saw a sign driving in that said 'speed hump'. That'll give you friction burns..."
'badoom psssshhhh'
"Hey, somebody ain't laughing. There's always an asshole in every room. I just never seem to find him..."
'badoom psssshhhh'
"The other night my lady runs out of the bathroom and yells, 'Super Pussy!'. I said, 'I'll take the soup'..."
'badoom psssshhhh'
Right about then a Hollywood agent will walk in and tell me, "you're just like Chris Rock, only your white and not funny. How about a billion dollar contract?"
And I'll look at him and say, "I'll take the soup"...
And we'll both start laughing and I'll be rich and famous and get my own TV show. Yep, that is how it's gonna happen....
Today is the 8th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks and we need to remember those that have perished as a result.
3,017 - Twin towers attack (including 24 presumed dead and 19 hijackers)
1,297 - Coalition deaths in Afghanistan (746 are US)
4,544 - Afghan civilian deaths by insurgents
8,074 - Afghan civilian deaths by US
9.010 - Iraqi police and military deaths in Iraq
187 - Media personnel (civilian) deaths in Iraq
4,261 - US Military deaths in Iraq
1,315 - Contractor (civilian) deaths in Iraq
30,182 - US Military wounded in Iraq
100,971 - Iraq civilian deaths (We don't do body counts - Gen. Tommy Franks)
Is there a right and wrong? It's not that easy. Good people do bad things, especially in the name of God and country. Lies, deceit, brainwashing, recruitment from the poorest neighborhoods, indoctrination of the hopeless looking for a way out. Which country and group am I describing? Therein lies the problem...
That's OK that you haven't heard of The Damned. You're only 12 and your version of Punk is that snappy new Green Day album. But if you are still reading because you are interested, I'll give you props. Real punk will put hair on your chest, and that is just on the girls.
Last Halloween, Bilf and I headed down to The Blank Club in San Jose. This used to be Fuel 44 and was the most bitchin bar in downtown SJC. Now that it is The Blank Club, they book a ton of cool bands like Agent Orange, Fishbone, Faction, and of course, The Damned. We arrived early to grab a seat at the bar and start the evening off right with a few beers and some genral chit chat. Now, I don't have pics of Bilf, which is good for anyone reading this blog, but Bilf is about 5'-8", 220, and bald. He and I both grew up in the LA/OC scene in the early '80s and despite growing into old farts, still really like the old music. Anyway, we were posted up on some bar stools and out of nowhere, 3 thrashed chicks with full tat sleeves started boob rushing all over us to get a drink from the bartender. Definately a good start to the evening. Free, welcomed, cheap feels from thrashed hot chicks. What could be better? I think maybe the girls were part of the Suicide Girls burlesque show and were probably just thanking Bilf for all the money he dropped beating off to their website.
The opening band was OK. They tried. The lead singer had the requisite cool guy shades and stood there like Jim Morrison. I'm sure he saw the movie and figured he'd be original by copying something done for the last 40 years. At least it gave us time to catch up and make shitty comments about the band - a must for the opening "talent".
Then The Damned came on. Holy shit. Holy fuck. Holy Damned. Dave Vanian was no longer totally Goth, but still wore the tux and white gloves, but now sported an age appropriate mustache. Captain Sensible came out with his red guitar. Monty Oxy Moron was on keyboards with Stu West filling in for Patricia Morrison (Sisters of Mercy) on bass, and Pinch still on drums. Sure, the names mean nothing to you, but the first two need to be etched on Mt. Rushmore. Needless to say, they fucking killed it! A lot of earlier stuff came out like Smash It Up, Parts 1 & 2 (covered by The Offspring for you losers), the ultimate old song Plan 9, Channel 7, Neat Neat Neat, Eloise, and Grimly Fiendish, mixed in with newer songs like Domocracy and Little Miss Disaster. I think I am getting a boner just thinking about it. Yep, it moved.
So, as a reward for reading this far, here are some choice tracks. And don't look them up on Youtube, their videos suck, but the music is all that matters.
4 cops in Oakland got gunned down. OK, that sucks for them, although it is one of the potential hazards of the job. Firemen can get burned. Butchers can lose fingers. Porn stars can get the crabs. Cops can get shot. So there is this massive outpouring of bleeding hearts. That is fine, death sucks, I get it. But then I saw the news coverage. They rented a fucking stadium. Schwartzenpecker, Boxer and Feinstein showed up. Berkeley cops stepped in so Oakland cops could take the day off? Very emotional. Very sentimental. But who the fuck payed for it? Schwartzenpecker has a budget to balance and work to do. Boxer needs to be in DC for Senate hearings. Feinstein needs to answer why she was in charge of oversight of torture, but let it all happen anyway. And were the Berkeley cops on overtime pay? And were the Oakland cops also being paid. And who the hell rented Oracle Arena?
This is total bullshit. The state is fucked. The country is fucked. And these assholes are wasting time and spending my goddamn money on this shit. Who the fuck is going to rent a stadium when I die? I mean, I know everyone will party, but I won't get that kind of sendoff on someone else's dime. Fuck the blue line. They aren't heroes, they are just working a goddamn job like your local 7-11 cashier. And 7-11 cashiers get shot all the time and don't get fuck-all for a funeral. All these bleeding heart assholes think all cops are heroes. Well guess what, most cops are just working a job and many cops are fucking pricks, which is why they become cops in the first place and why they grow that cock-stretchmark hiding mustache to hide behind.
My money should be spent on better things. Your money should be spent on better things. At least bury them with their asses up so I can use them as a bike rack.
