Wow... its 130 in the morning. I should be cleaning right now. I need to clean my bedroom, bbuutt, i guess i will in a bit. I have to wake up at 10... and i need to be in bed by 3. thats 7 hours of sleep more than i've gotten recently. Although, i'm not complaining by any means. I've gotten to spend a lot of awesome time talking to and being with Adam, so it's worth it to me. He is so amazing. He makes me so happy.
I dunno. I can't really put into words what is going through my mind. Right now, I'm just, confused. About a lot of things.
Andrew. I am questioning truly if I even loved him. Or if, I just, loved the idea of being in love and having someone to love me. Because, I wasn't happy with him. Everyday I was upset with him, or something he was doing (or NOT doing...) I spent more time pissed off... I kept trying to change who he was... the drinking... the drugs... the video games, everything. The person he was... wasn't what I wanted. I loved the fact that we had so much in common... and I really wanted to believe I was in love with him. Was I? No. I don't think so... because, i've spent all day thinking about this. Because, the feelings I have for Adam have far surpased any feelings I had for Andrew. And, right now. I'm really trying to figure things out in general with Adam. I don't want anything to mess up what I have with him. I'm comfortable, and happy... I really feel like, I'm lucky to have him. I know I don't have to worry about him being off flirting with other people, and not paying attention to me. The man spends most of his free time talking to me. I mean, wow. Thats why I was always pissed off at Andrew. He wouldn't give me attention I felt i should have.
And now, all of a sudden, when I was like, ya know, forget the man drama, forget the bullshit with men... i have this man, fall in my lap. And, unlike the other men i've had come and go in my life... I'm stuck on this one... i'm finding myself doing very out of character things and thinking in ways i normally dont. I' so self absorbed that all I think about is me... and for the past few days, all I can think about is Adam. And today, I've started a whole new fear... I'm scared I'm going to hurt him. I mean, sure, I am one kick ass girlfriend... but on a long term basis... i suck. I've never done well with long term relationships... maybe cuz i hadn't found the right one? maybe not. I'm not sure. But, I know that every time i try to have a long term relationship, I fuck it up, MAJOR. Every single relationship that lasts more than a few months, i fuck up. I usually leave them before the first month. I find reasons to not like them, or reasons why they aren't good enough... I find reasons to break up with every guy i date... or reasons to not date men. With Adam, I'm just, scared of losing him already. I'm trying to figure out how to make him happy. Questioning, honestly, How did I get this lucky to have a man who is this attentive to my needs? And this perfect? I am so scared right now I'm going to do something stupid and hurt him. And, for once in my life.... i'm concerned about him. I'm not worried about me right now... I want to make him happy, I want him to be happy with me... I want him to want me, and I want him to want to be with me, and I want him to love me. And, most importantly, I dont want to hurt him. He means so much to me.
I was talking to Chastine, and I came to a realization. When I started talking to Adam... I wanted him to tell me to leave Andrew and be with him.... I wanted him. I wanted to be with him. I left Andrew in my heart before we broke up. Of course, i DO miss him. I miss things about him. But, Adam, just, has my heart. He has for quite a while now. (although define quite a while in my world?) He has since before I broke up with Andrew, or Andrew broke up with me... whoever broke up with whomever. It's just the point. Adam has become this icon in my life. So quickly. Should I be worried? It's taken such a short amount of time for me to start thinking... I don't want to be without him.
Wanna know why?
I can sit and talk to him for hours and hours. And sometimes, just sit. Saying nothing. Just knowing he's right there, on the other end of the line... thats enough for me. I smile just thinking about him...
He is the perfect boyfriend... for so many reasons. He says the sweetest things, and does the sweetest things, and is so considerate of my feelings and thoughts, and most importantly, pasys attention to me when I need it... AND when i WANT it. He's amazing.
I'll never understand how this happened. How he just, fell into my life. Fate played a big part of this. But he is amazing. And I'm so thankful I have him. I will never know how... or why.... but this happened. And, i'm so happy it did. Because, for once in my life... i'm not worried. I know that when i wake up in the morning... Adam will still be mine... he'll message me when he gets up... he'll be thinking of me... and It makes me happy.... I'm his... and I have no issues with it. I'm all his... and I'd do anything in this world I could to make him happy. Insane, isn't it? And right now, I don't know what I would do with out Chastine in my life. She grounds me. I've never had a friend who just GROUNDS me... keeps me thinking sane.... it's so awesome. I'm loving this!!!
It's 250. I'm watching fight club but at the same time, I need to get to bed... and I NEED some sleep. I work at 11 tomorrow...not 10 like i thought... i messed up my schedules... i have my days messed up... yesterday I was in an hour late... oops.... oh well...
So, I'll be working tomorrow. Joy of all joys. Then when I get home, it's back to dealing with Dennis and his bullshit drama... fuckin' a huh?
My stomach hurts so bad too... lack of sleep for sure.
So, off to bed with Robin...
this blog took me 1.5 hrs... insanity
