Im so tired, physically, emotionally, mentally.. exhausted. I dont know how much more I can take. I can smile and laugh with the best of them but really Im miserable. I dont know if Im going to make it for 6 months and 1 day until graduation. Ive got so much going on in my life right now that I cant focus on anything let alone school work. I dont even know if I want to be a nurse anymore. I mean I do.. I think.. I dont know.. I dont know much about anything.. I know I want to be happy. I love my job at childrens. I really could see myself working there for a very long time. I just think Im scared. Im afraid I wont pass my boards, Hell I am afraid I really wont make it to graduation... Wonder if I fail a class between now and then because of my lack of focus. I cant afford to stay in school another semester.. my financial aid runs out in may. I'll be screwed. Im so afraid that my goal is so close but yet I still have plenty of time to fuck it up like Ive fucked up just about everything else in my life. I just dont know. It seems like as soon as Im happy something happens to take that away from me. Its like I wasnt ment to be happy in the first place.. it was just a fluke or something. I try really hard to be happy. I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can't be around normal people, like I'll infect the happy people. Which is probably very surprising to those of you who know me since I tend to be smiling at all times.... I guess I smile becuase i get tired of trying to answer the question "whats wrong" since i cant pin point the answer and everything is never an acceptable response. I must be doing something wrong and I just havent been able to figure out exactly what the something is yet.. I cant think of any other explaination as to why I suck at life. I dont have any idea what the point of this blog is other then to try to capture some of the millions of thoughts running thru my head. Im not trying to whine. I know people have it way worse then me. thats not the point. the point is Im tired of being lost. Im tired of life hating me. There's a good side to getting hurt a lot...after a while it just doesn't bother you as much..you kind of get used to it.. but still..Its getting old.. I want something new...I just want to be happy. Im not asking to win the lottery or to be granted 3 wishes by a genie in a bottle. Im asking to for one time in my life (ok first time in a very long time) be able to smile and really honestly 100% mean it... The way things used to be.. But I guess there really is no going back, no do overs and no second chances.. You just have to move on with the cards youre delt and try to find a way to be happy.
This is what happens when you have one of the longest days of your life on 3 hours sleep and yet because of insomnia you are unable to sleep so instead your brain takes over.. and thats never good.
