FFs wont show her tits P's blog: "ramblings"

well this has been an interesting last while of self reflection its done me a world of good. i have come to a lot realizations about myself and why i keep letting my ex play me. I think i have finally figured out why i had such a hard time letting him go and why he had such a hard time letting me go even though he didn't really want me. the first part is to do with me and a strength that wasn't tempered bye reality so instead got twisted into a flaw. I am the kind of person who tends to give of myself fully without reservation and once i love i do so unconditionally to me there is NO but in love this is usually a positive personality trait but you add into the mix robbie and you have a recipe for an extended tour of hell... for the both of us. because put simply he has some serious issues somehow in life his view of himself got so twisted and distorted that the only thing he can see is the monster in waiting every mistake every flaw every weakness magnified to monstrous proportions all his energy squandered on trying to prove his view of himself to the world so he can never be rejected for what he believes he is , the real robbie periodically makes it out of this shell and takes control of life for awhile until something scares him back into it I met him during one of these brief moments. the man robbie hides is amazing his humor his wisdom the way he can make a person feel is it any wonder i fell head over heals for him? but sadly love is a scary thing and even more frightening when your world is totally clouded in self loathing he got scared and attempted to prove to me the view he has of himself but it wasn't possible because i had seen who he was and the way i am put together prevents me from taking my love back simply because someones behavior is hurtful i love him and kept hoping he would let the man i knew he was come out again that if i always stood bye him and proved to him he could trust me he would stop being afraid and come back to me another strength that untempered bye reality turned into a flaw I'm the kinda person that believes if something really matters to you you should never give up on it that the only way to truly lose is to give up but the flaw in that is love takes 2 people and for it work it has to matter to both both people have to want to make it work and robbie didn't wish it to because it didn't fit the view he has of himself the reasons he couldn't let go of me wernt because he loves me as i naively kept thinking and hoping but because who i am always believed in him because i am the only one who does totally believe in him including himself and everyone needs someone to believe in them so he couldn't let me go but he couldn't let me in either so he instead punished me for the stupidity in his eyes of loving him he tried to show me his monster to push me away to protect me from it haha male logic hurt someone to prevent yourself from hurting them well this caused me to attempt to try to stop loving him to no avail i even tried to see him as the monster he tried to convince me he was all pretty much lost causes due to who i am i know his flaws i know the ugly bits of robbie they don't matter i still love him and that doesn't have to be killed to move on with a life without him in it Ive finally come to understand i didnt need to stop loving him to get over him i had to accept that to me there is no but in love and for him there will always be a but in loving me that as long as he hates himself and refuses to see that there is good in him thats just the way it is and that will always prevent him from ever believing it can work that there is a futcher never mind fighting for one and it takes 2 to win at love

you haunt me made manifest in my dreams twisted sheets and damp skin silent testimony to your nocturnal dominance my dreams a guilty submission of self to the desire you instill within me in my dreams i can not deny you my body offered up as my sacrifice to your cold cruelty waking i reclaim my heart but while asleep and vulnerable daylight's forbidden desire rules in my dreams i worship at your form my hands caress your skin in silent worship my lips taste of you like prayer while asleep my lust for you is a ruling deity and i eagerly worship with soft crys racing breath and sleep smothered moans

what is this want? the burning desire to feel your lips on mine i can almost taste your breath i dream of it so vividly your kiss a guilty addiction every other set of lips i kiss a weak echo of yours your cocaine kisses call me so clearly i can feel your lips brush mine the feel of your bottom lip between my teeth and your hair running through my hands as i pull you closer into the kiss i pray for a new addiction to chase your taste off my lips but sadly it is only your lips i dream of and only your kiss that sparks a deep heat inside me

When you can write an essay that explains what makes me valuable to the world, I will accept your answer .........you seem to think the whole world should rember your name when your gone leave a mark for the whole world to see feed the ego while you neglect the soul....the only mark that truly matters is the one you leave in ppl you care abouts hearts in how you touch ppl does the whole world really matter? do you know these billions of ppl does it matter if your name is on their lips. verry few mark the whole world doesnt make them any less amazing because the world doesnt know their name they lived they touched ppl they and you are valuable to the world because each person you touch goes on to touch someone else every time you make a difference to one person it chains one person to another to another look a mark on the world your valuable ...you made a difference to me and ill go on to make a difference to someone else just as the ppl i touched went on to touch others each kindness we show to others echoes around the world like a crazy game of telephone it is whispered from one ear to the next ever growing and ever changeling until bam the few ppl you touched has created a chain that encompasses the whole word so the world may never know your name but regardless it is valuably marked bye your existance as am i as are the others you touched

what is wrong with me why can i not stop loving him as everyone says i should? why am i still not out of love? but just as inlove with him as i ever was? i know all the reasons i shouldn't so why dont those seem to matter? towards the end he earned me finally learning to hate to be honest even before the end.. the last 2 years of us was a living hell he was cruel he treated me as nothing more then a whore he used my love and sexuality as a weapon against me how many times i heard i dont love you till i went to walk out the door then suddenly it was i love you i need you every time i let go he pulled me right back in as soon as i was there hed break my heart all over again and tell me he didnt want me i knew i had to leave long before i did so if i know it was the right choice and i dont want it back why am i as inlove love with as i always was? why is it still only his hand on my skin i dream of why is his lips the only the ones i dream of? why till this day is it his name escapes my lips as i give myself release? why does he still whisper i love you in my dreams and its his arms i have to imagine around me everynight to even manage to fall asleep?

the world keeps turning life keeps moveing on weather we are ready for it or not.... somtimes life feels like it tailspins outa control and we feel like we just cant hang on then suddenly a pause long enough to relize holy shit batman i didnt fall off im still here long enough for tiered arms to rest a moment before the whole thing starts spinning again untill ...........a thought does it have to be this way? one thought leads to another how can i change this? then to another but what else is there? a glimmer of fear for the unknown and then bammm epihany does it matter what else is there? does it matter if the unknown is scarey?is what you have working? is being run bye destiny any better any less frightning then takeing a chance and grabbing life... takeing life for a ride insteada always leting life ride you? MMMMmmm? you let go you know the most vaulable lessons tend to be learned when you let go take a chance make a move do something other then hold on for dear life and cry for the ride to stop.....noones gonna save you the operator of this ride called life has apperntly gone fora verry long coffee breack and got lost somewhere on the way back so its up to you... simply let go pick yourself up dust yourself off and see what else life has to offer... for awile your slightly dizzy feeling like you wanna blow chunks your scared cuz the world still feels like its crazily spinning and this time you have nothing to hold onto .... you take a few wobbly steps like a child trying thier new legs a stumble ..within your head like a careing mother you inner voice murrmers its ok your alright try again you stumble again take a few deep breaths and wow the world starts to steady your legs become surer your breathing more steady and you start to be able to focus you see the world is bautiful you look around you see the pitfalls and the stumbling blocks are everywhere but the paths all lead to places worth a few stumbles to get to .....you look back over your on the life you let go of and see it as it realy is a dark place of fear you see the roiling clouds of indesittion the storms of selfdout the thick molasses like sludge of self pity and bitterness coating everything * you shudder to yourself look from one life to the other and decide..... you turn you back on the old way and a slowly start a new path you know there are dangers you know you may fall down but you know its ok if your strong enough to let to go your defitly strong enough to pick yourself up after the occational stumble... with eyes full of wonder you look at this baetiful new place and relize you belong here and you always have you just never let yourself see past the small spot you were in

so many things happening all at once dealing with them pretty damn good but you know what after last night im not to sure dealing with any of them is the anserw... So ok last night i went out addmitidly not in the best state of mind that was one of the manjor reson i did so in the first place im not going to into detail on that becuse that choice i made is my own dirty little secreate but needless to say needed to get my mind off it so i went out me jackie and laura ...now laura is going thru what iam but reversed had haveing a verry bad time with it so needless to say we drank drink for drink and drank alot thu sadly i couldnt seem to get drunk no matter how hard i tried i couldnt get drunk and my agenda that night was to get drunk enough to do something stupid So first thing happens laura isnt inlove with her husband hasnt been happy with him forever so apperntly she has been seeing another man and he showed up (hes an ass if you ask me) he picks a fight with her calls her some godawful names then leaves shes upset but me and jackie manage to get her cheered up and back on track we dance were mean to some weird ass creepy guys that were hitting on us and manageing to have some fun (mainly at the expence of the guys that were hitting on us haha) so were haveing fun laura is past wasted bye this point and a bouncer sees this asks bartender how many drinks and cuts us all off even thu im not drunk this doesnt bother me but the guy wasa dick when telling us we were i hate when ppl say shit then wont back it up if you say you saw something ....tell the person wtf you saw no???? so ok regardless we were still haveing fun somehow laura kept manageing to get beer even thu she was cut off rofl but then her assmunch affair showed back up they got kissing no big till laruas phone rang (it was her husband) and her affair dude got ugly he went to hit her hit me instead in the chest pasy hits like a girl ...i didnt hit likea girl back felt good to feel his nose squish to went to hit him again and was removed from the bar thank god everyone saw he hit me first and was gonna hit me again or ida prolly been in the sqaude car right behind him heading off to jail but thank god they just said it was time us girls went home and thats where the night went seriusly bad i asked to havea cab called and jackie tells the bouncer not to worry about shes driveing i pipe up youve been drinking i thought we already agreed ona cab i told you id pay for it she says shes fine to drive shes only had 3 yadda yadda and i say i know youve had more becuse ive bought you at least three and you bought rounds to she gets pissed off and i make a smart ass remark unless you can walk me a line your leaveing ina cab she gets seriusly pissed and storms off i go after i didnt mean to upset her just make sure she got home safe but shes seriusly mad at me cuz what i said embaraased her i try to explain but she wont listen yells at laura to get in the car and then peels out almost hitting me so im left in the parking lot alone worried they are gonna get road pizzad with a long walk home ahead of me pretty cold cuz when the bouncer revoved me from the affair dude he ripped my shirt AND LAURA HAD MY PURSE and jacket so all in all im pretty fucked a long walk home skimpy bar outfit healed boots (looking rather like hitching hookerwith the nice tear in my shirt bareing my shoulder and even more of my chest then even iam confortable with) so i do manage to get home with only 2 incedances of note guys in cars havea alot of balls but ya talk back they tend to run off with thier tails between thier legs and a bitch left on the wind i manage to get home come online looking for my lucy but alas she is online but apperntly just didnt logg out =( thu david cherred me up alot before bed so this morning jackie shows up with my puse and jaket and shes still pissed and still wont listen to me and says its to bad she missed and didnt run me over to drop dead wtf? i was only trying to keep her safe a little bit later laura calls tells me sorry about last night and that jackie had told her she had to choose btween me or her as freinds and she doesnt know what to do..i told laura that her and jackie had always been freinds and she should stick with jackie becuse id still be her freind even if we didnt hang out (kinda sounds like jackie needs to go back to grade 3 fights huh) so that was my night and one more proof it realy doesnt pay to give a shit

i keep getting asked what my dreams are in life what i want what i wish for. The question always struck me as kinda funny you see i dont realy want alot more then i have. There are a few things id change. Abit more money not alot just enough to make life confortable you know where you dont have to constantly worry where the money is gonna come from to pay the bills. Mabey once inawile a little left over for the extras.next i guesse would be a home of my own. i dont want anything big a small cabin just big enough for me and my family out in the middle of nowhere mabey with a small swimming hole anda tireswing for the kids to grow up with. a partner in life someone whod respect my thoughts and oppions a man that can understand that i dont have to agree with everything you say and think to accept your right to the oppion. someone to share laughter with and small confortable silences. someone who belives in honesty as much as i do someone will love me despite my imperfections someone i can love in return despite thiers someone doesnt want to change me into someone im not. someone who even when angry at me even when we fight still loves me and respects me and when its all over will take me in thier arms and hold me. hmm mabey where it comes to my partner iam asking alot. but then i guesse if you intend to spend your life with someone there better be more laughter and smiles then tears and fights

after over a month of silence he finnaly speacks a whole month to heal to not miss him as much to finnaly stop feeling that i need him. then out of the blue he sends me a message. of all things hes imed me to yell at me over my new user pic. Once again what i look like is a problem for him. there doesnt seem to be anything about me thats good enough for him. im to stupid im to honest im to nice im to bitchy when im not nice im to trusting the list seems to go on forever. so i tell him if youve just imed to pick a fight pls go bother whatever girl your working on now. he claims there is noone ....i know better hes been smoozing natalie she let slip he may be moveing in with her soon. i hope for her sake hes grown up a bit or shell go thru the same garbage he put her thu before. the month of silence seems to have made it easyer to see him for who he realy is i know now hesa jerk and hes toxic for me....so why do i still yearn for him why do i still wish to close my eyes and belive the lies he tells me? stupid fickle heart smarten up before you kill us both. i can see him now for all his lies and all his shortcomeings yet i also can still see the things that are good about him yes no matter what i try to tell myself there are good things about robbie. It just so happens hes not good for me and to be honest im probaly not good for him either. i suspect his perfect woman would be a sub someone can follow orders and be whatever shes told to be. its just not me in to be that not even for the man owns my heart. So i steel my backbone and attempt to stay strong tell myself dont fall for the fanatcy 4 years is to long to wait espeicly for someone doesnt even treat you well. i tell myself there are men here waiting patiently for your heart to be free. Randy has waited patiently courting me trying so hard to make me foreget 2 years hes fought to make me see him as more then a freind i wish i did hed be so much better for me then this mascocist yearning i have for robbie. Its not like hes my only option so why is he the only one i can realy see? whats wrong with me? why is it when i love the one i love is the only one i can see? why is it so hard for me to give up on those i love?

last night i thought i saw something deep within your soul somthing ive been searching for for way to long i wonder if i truely saw it or if its just wishful thinking. are you what ive been serching for? am i what youve serched for? Are you the one to accept me for everything iam ? i know i can accept you. last night you made me feel i was more then a face and breasts. you truely seemed to wish to know me and for me to know you. But is it a reality? sweet words come so easy for some. in all the time ive known you youve always been a gentleman and treated me with respect. my mystrius one!! I call you this for very good reson everything about you is so new to me. Never once has your sweet words led to you wanting more then just my words and time, a new thing for me most just want one thing you truely seem intrested in what i say and in what i think and seem to want me to know what you feel and think to