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My mind rambles this evening. Mulling over the past, the present. Just wishing things had come out a little differently for everyone I love-including myself. Warm summer days in Yosemite covered in dirt and hoping for bears. Sewing. She made the skirt I wore when I graduated high school. It now lives in my dresser and is back in style. Years of munchies keep it in the drawer. LOL Her dieting roller coaster... Watching the 1st man walk on the moon in her bedroom on the black and white tv. The garden she could grow and the one I can't. I kill everything. Pumpkins, blackberries, apricots, carrots, tomatoes, radishes, corn, peas, and did I mention pumpkins? LOL Everywhere pumpkins... Couldn't get rid of them. LOL Our Christmas tree with no lights one year but a spinning wheel that changed from blue to green to red and the last color I forget. Spray snow and stencils. Hand made ornaments for the tree we made at our table in our tiny house then. Easter when I got the Nancy Drew book in my basket. Pine walls hand built by my grandfather. The floor heater. Farley Pool in the summer and begging her for the money to go daily. Not always having the money. The tears and pain she endured at the hands of men who used her. Even the one that loved her the most and the reason I am here. She endured till she couldn't endure more. Now her favorite cousin endures...her daughter in the same boat. The endless pain that we endure to enjoy the few comforts of life that drizzle in and fizzle out. Christmas joys. Gone. She is gone. It is no longer a safe world. Really it never was but her presence was my world. 25 years ago I awoke tomorrow to hear the words. "Your Mom has passed" in a calm and gentle voice. I lived it alone for 45 minutes before I could muster the phone calls to come. I haven't been able to go back to see her. Not able to face her. The last place and moment when our physical bodies were near each other. Constantly wondering if what she taught me was right. Love and be loved. To have a friend you must be a friend... the ten commandments. In my life I have broken some of those. Is it wrong to do what is wrong but knowing that you are saving someone in the long run? Compromising right for the sake of right? Damn. I will constantly question the beliefs I was taught as the promises of good are blind to me now. I taught my children as she taught me and does it really help? My mom was beautiful. Her love and how she fought to keep a roof over our heads... clothes on our backs=even if it was only two outfits one year. A low income apartment with cockroaches... Does my brother even remember this upcoming day? I miss him and my nephew. My attempts to reach him and find them unheard. Moments. Peace. Tranquility. Warmth. Memories. Tears. Pain. Heartache. Happiness. Hurt. Anger. Frustration. Learning. Hoping. Water. Fire. Earth. Beauty. Friend. Timeless. Fear. Creative. Yearning. Life. Death. Light. Dreams. Daisies. Poinsettias. Roses. Tree Hugging Hippy. Sun. Moon. Stars.... Hugs. Kisses. This is how I remember my Mother. 25 years ago. The memories are strong yet faded. The pain eased with each passing year. To die so young and leave kids who were not able to deal with life and its cruelties or even its pleasures... I question so much the story of God some days now. Yes I still believe as she took me to church for most of my younger years. For me at 22 to pick out my Mother's Grave on my birthday has affected my enjoyment of the usual birthday bruhaha that most enjoy. Did I mention that her baby sister was taken away in an ambulance when I was 7 or 8 during my birthday party-dying a couple of hours later from alcoholism. Before the ambulance came she was screaming my name. MY name. No one else's. When they wheeled her out on the guerney she grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go. Wild eyes and the stronest grip a little girl can feel. Next to my Mom I was so close to her. My birthday is equated with the negative for me. Some years I even have the day pass with no thoughts of her or my Aunt (she was 29 when she died) now. This year it is in my mind as my cousin deals with this issue probably leaving her son who is 5 soon. No one should watch their children die in pain for so long. Life is harder and harder for everyone, my family, my friends. Well this is quite the rambling... just had to get it out. I miss her and wonder why I still do things to rebel against the good she taught me to this day. Why the good Lord chose to not let her see her grandchildren. I miss my Aunt Patty. She wore braces on her feet and I remember being ashamed sometimes walking down the street with the sound of the clicking. Now I would give anything to have her back = to be able to try to help her with whatever had been bothering her so much to become an alcoholic. She had a brain aneurism that burst. 29. Again damn. Ok I gotta stop. This blog is just so long winded. LOL Just thinking about my mom. Carolyn Marcia. Kicking myself for not naming my daughter after her to this day. I should have done that. So many I should haves.... How slowly time passes in the blink of an eye... I miss you Mom. We only just had started to know each other as friends. When dying you asked me one day in tears "Don't ever forget me. Promise me you won't forget me." I have lived up to my answer. "No Mom. You are my Mom. How can I forget you? I love you. That is just crazy. Try to sleep Mom. You will feel better tomorrow." Thank you for reading. I know some of this may seem incoherent. Just flashes of the past, my Mom. My most cherished flawed human perfect Mother.
