So here I am 9 Am and no bed. I can't sleep, nor do I really want to. My moods have been changing like the music that is blaring out of my speakers...maybe it is the music. Music brings out all emotion to me... I even have a sountrack to my life, certain songs for certain moments...certain songs for certain people....maybe I am insane, but I really think I am sometimes! I can hear it and it will just take me back...
Take for example "album of the year" by the good life...that album might have saved my life. I am serious. One night a few years ago ( I believe it was late July 2004 ) I went nuts one night. I was sick of life, I was sick of living, and I was sick of people judging me from a situation which no one knew all the facts and still most dont, and I dont care. I made my decision on my own, fuck it. On with the story, I used to be a cutter, and I quit in 2002 but I relapsed that night, then proceeded to cut off all my hair myself in the bathroom. (the length it is now is from growing it out since then) I ended up crying myself to sleep, but didnt feel better. Two weeks later this album came out....and it described everything I was going through at the moment..
I don't know it was just so weird. I am blessed to know Tim and the band, and My next song lyric tattoo is from that album (I aleady have one from his other band Cursive) It's gonna say "Life is a series of calluses, this is just another layer"
I'd like to think I am in a better place from then, I really believe I am. Just sometimes I feel like that helpless girl that night who had no clue who to know who to trust. I've moved a long way from that girl, now I don't even feel. What's the point.
Anyway. I really really CANNOT wait to leave Indiana for good when I get everything together. I used to dream of moving to Omaha, but that dream was ruined long ago....Cali sounded fun too, but those plans fell through. I want to go somewhere BIG...somewhere AMAZING. Someplace where I don't see cornfields and flat land! NYC would be crazy as hell, I see myself in too much trouble there though. I don't know. It captured my heart when I went.
Desaparecidos....my heart is playing. I gave it away too long ago and never got it back. Wait, NYC + the chance of running into him (I know I will if i set foot in the area) scratch that.
Nick told me to move to ATL. that I would love it there....but I don't know. Nick is my rock. Even though I met him years and years ago in Nashville and we met talking about Patsy Cline songs and Gatlinburg, he knows everything about my life. He is the only person I trust and I see him maybe once or twice a year if I am lucky! He's here and there and everywhere with Tilly and the Wall, and I am just so proud of them! The most beautiful people in the world, with the most fun cheerful music ever! If I am ever down, that always cheers me up, if not I email my nick and he does!
Wow this is so long! I don't care, I havent been able to get out how I feel about things and I miss my journal and my poems, I feel so naked without them.
It is so weird being sober from drugs. It's been 7 months and I am so ready to smoke a J but I don't think I should fall into bad habits, but the weight gain is killing me man! I didnt gain much, maybe 5-10lbs but I can tell and it just sucks!! I would think you'd lose it cause the munchies are gone, but nopeeee! (could it be that i switched from liquor to beer also?? could be!) hahhaa.
The thing is I feel like I am such a whiny bitch whem I ramble like this, but I can' be happy go lucky all the time, I guess.
I dont know, I dont regret anything I've done or the people I have met, all I know is I took the beaten path, and probably sticking to it!
Well I think I tired myself out from that lengthy blog, i might get some sleep.
I love you guys. I'm not crazy I swear! haha!
XoXo DeZ
