Amity's blog: "Rambling"

Well after 2 very long years I am ready to see my daughter. I leave out here in minutes driving to MO to get her.

I had to go to the er last night because I have a huge swelling on the base of my neck the size of a grapefruit. Worried I had a disc injury or something to that effect I went and got the er to check it out. After many blood tests, a ct scan and complete medical history I have been diagnosed with Cushings Syndrome. 

This was caused by all the steroids I have had to take to control my Chron's. Though my Dr. says my blood work up shows I should be able to go higher on the steroid dose it seems my body has a different opinion. 

Quite frankly I am scared. I am being weaned off the steroids but because of how high my dose was it's going to be a slow process. Untill then I will continue to look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. All I need is my bell. 

It feels like no matter how hard I try and stay true to the food diets, medications and all other Dr. advice that there will never be an end. I am so tired of being sick. So tired of pain. SO tired of not being able to live a normal life because of my health issues. When I was young I used to dream about how life would be for me when I grew up and never in those dreams were chronic illness and pain. I guess I sorta feel like my body is cheating me out of so much. I know there are many who are so much worse off then I am and that I have no right to bitch and whine like a baby. But deep down I still can't help but think of that horrible question......WHY ME? 

I know that I will pull through this trial like I have done with others before. I know I am strong enough to fight and I have 4 wonderful reasons to fight. My children and bf Jarrod are a constant source of strength. The children because I want them not to worry about me so I don't allow them to know about medical problems. Jarrod has been my shoulder to cry on, a pair of ears while I bitch, but most importantly he loves me and stands by me thru my darkest moments and chases my demons away.  Without him and the kids there would be no reason to continue to fight, to hurt, to go thru all the discomfort I am in. 

Well now my ex is deciding to pick up my daughter 2 weeks before I get her to take her to live with him for that time. He has no one who will watch her while he works a 12 hr work shift nor wheil he is sleeping. So if he makes that attempt there is a chance that I will be making a run for my daughter this weekend. This poor little girl has made it clear to everyone around she wants to be with me and he is getting bitter about it. He assumes he will never see her again. I wouldn't do that. Yes he did it to me but it's wasn't fair to my fdaughter, that is her dad I am her mom she should be able to have contact with us both. I would never take that away from her and in truth even as much as I dislike my ex I am not cruel enough to do to him what he did to me. 

So now it's a waiting game to see how far he will push this issue and I will have very little time to prepare, as in we are on our way leaving now come meet us, for the trip to get her. 

So tonight I was on the phone for 4 hours with my ex's new wife. I find I actually LIKE her. Oh and the fact that she has discovered my ex for what and who he truly is and plans to leave him as soon as she can helps that fact out a lot. While I am sorry for the kids I know that they will be ok. She is doing everything in her power to move my youngest down with me b4 she leaves him and both she and I will fight to keep the older 2 with her. They have bonded with her, and she has done wonders for my son. He needed someone who could fight for him and she was able to do that since my ex has still  (2 yrs into their relationship) has not moved up to MI. She was able to fight without his influence on my son and was strong enough to stand up and fight my ex to get the help my son so badly needed. I know that the kids are going to be well taken care of, and in the end that's all anyone can ask for their children. 

I still get to pick up my little one on the 17th and it seems like her entire room is coming with her. I think the stepmom is going to move just about everything she can of my daughters down here with me so that there is less of a rush when/if I get to keep her. Pretty much she is going to force the issue with the ex and I couldn't be happier. 

I spend my days now looking at the clock willing it to move faster as the day looms closer. In so many ways I am nervous, it's been 2 yrs since I have been a mommy. What if I have forgotten how, what if I spoil her too much, what if, what if, what if... I know I am being silly but good grief I can't seem to stop it. I find myself cleaning and cleaning so that the house is perfect. Like a 9 yr old is going to care right? 

I dream of the moment I will hold her in my arms, feel those sweet arms of hers around me. Smelling the sweet scent of her hair, seeing that smile I have missed, hearing her infectious giggle. I love that child very much. I miss all of them but I know the older 2 have moved on while the little one has never let go of the hope of being with me. Hard as it is to admitt it to myself the older 2 just don't need me as much. I will always be mom, always there for them, but they have grown into very responsible, loving, wonderful teens who just don't need the same amount of mothering anymore. Ouch it hurts to think of them as teens, I remember changing diapers, the first steps, first words....all the new experiences.

I guess in the end it will always be that way. Kids grow up, they move on and we are left with the wonderful memories. 

Here it is less then a month before I get to pick up my daughter and I am a bundle of nerves. What if I am not the same mom she remembers? What if she isn't the same little girl I remember? I know it's silly to worry, after all she is doing everything in her power to get to me. I guess being kept from her for so long has made me fear I won't know how to parent again. People tell me it's like riding a bike you don't lose it...but that's assuming I had it in the first place. I suppose every parent worries they are doing it right, and kids don't come with an instruction book. And for goodness sake this is my youngest I already raised 2 teenagers, I just worry that 2 years out of the game will have made me rusty. She always has and always will be a mama's girl. From day one she would be happy to snuggle with me and as she got older that never stopped. I can't wait for her to cuddle up and us watch a movie, read a book or just talk like we used to. I am so busy trying to make everything for her perfect that I am running myself ragged. When I know she is just happy to spend time with me and really couldn't care less if I recently scrubbed the walls down, or freshly mowed the yard...it's me not the house she wants to visit. 

I know this is going to be a learning experience for my Cowboy as well. He has never had the chance to be a dad and now here he is a stepdad to 3. My daughter adores him..every single time we talk she asks to talk to him and I can see the joy in his eyes that she cares enough to ask for him and talks his poor ear off. I know when she gets here we will do great as a team. My only hope is now she will be allowed to stay. Only my ex is holding out everyone else including her stepmom and therapist agree she needs to live in a houseshold where she is an only child and can get more attention and help. Well she would sure get that here....after 2 long painful years I won't want to leave her side. 

So today I do as I would with any house guest, I clean. Clean clean clean till it alll shines then I worry it's not clean enough LOL. I guess we all have quirks huh. 

Some know and some don't. I am a mommy of 3 beautiful children who I have had been kept from. My ex took em and they live with his wife while he lives somewhere else. I was kept from seeing, talking to and even getting pics of my kids. My baby girl age 8 (9 end of the month) is having serious behavior issues because of the loss. She misses her mommy. My ex has for the first time come to understand that keeping me from her is destroying that child. I am now walking on cloud 9...I will be picking up my daughter for most of Dec. After that I will take her back "home". This summer she will be here the full time and at that point it will be decided if it is best for her to stay with me. So for the first time in almost 2 years I have gotten to talk to my children, see them on webcam, get pictures and be a part of their life again. I could never ask for a greater gift then to see the smile on their faces, hear their sweet laughter and get the chance to let them know not a day has come and gone that they were not on my mind.