DKC's blog: "rambles in my head"

I am sitting here with so much on my mind, but not even sure  what it is I am thinking or feeling. I would have never thought  taking an English writing class that is suppose to teach the basic writing fundamentals would have me looking at myself  so personally like this. When I do look at myself like this tho it brings up feeling I am not ready to deal with. I mean don't get me wrong I do want to deal with them and have on some levels but I know I have not fully yet. I am scared of failing I know I have said this before. The problem is I  have not fully got over that fear yet even tho I have worked out alot of it by achieving alot of goals I have set out for myself in just the last year. I have a couple of people to thank for that, but most of all. I know making such life changes is not an easy thing to do but are well needed and happening but there are things missing that will help make it easier and one day soon I hope it change well I know it. I will do every th9ing with in my reach to do it and find the few thing outside the box to make it happen. I am not sure if every thing I want is the same thing that others see for me  and I know it should not matter what they think but I value that opion and maybe I should sit down with that opion and talk about it. Sorry just not that kinda guy I know I blog alot but I am not good with person to person feeling talks. Some thing yes I need to work on, but is not easy to do still trying to unblock that hurt that has built up around sharing like that. I really don't like hurting people but I feel like I hurt people all the time by my words. I know silly right but really is how I feel. I guess I am not use to there being more postive than negitave in my life and feel lost because of it. I like to laugh joke around and always want to make people happy but not sure if I do that anymore.

Seems like another day ! A day where things are just not as I want them to be. It gets tiring not sleeping due to to many things on your mind that you can't control, it gets tiring being let down all the time, it gets madding feeling like you do no right no mater what you do. Yes it's just another day and and here I sit wondering why it seems thing will not change no matter how hard I try. I tired of being sick and tired, I wake up tired, I work all day tired, I come to be tired why becuse for some reason I can not seem to find what it is to make every thing right no matter how much postive forward momentum I have going right now. I keep asking myself why are you doing this. I have many answers but for some reason I seem to be doubting myself. I am not sure why or maybe I do and to afraid to say to myself . Why would I be afraid? You ask well  it's more of the fact of mater it could be the truth I afraid of . I am not afraid to hear the truth from others but when I tell myself the truth I wanna run and hide from the world  and not let any one see me for who I may really be. I have closed off so much of me I am not sure how to find them parts again. I am so scared I have some one that I love and I am afraid of letting her down, hurting her in some way when she does not deserve to be I am afraid that I am not be who I want to be I am afraid that I will fail no matter how hard I try and there are so many that believe in me that it scares  me that I will not live up to what they are supporting me to be. I have choosen a tough rough bumpy gravel road to travel in my future that should end in a smooth black top road of happyness, but what if all I have set out for myself and the goals I have set I fail at? So today I sit here like any other day asking myself all of this. Today is just like any other day. today is the day I have to stop all of this. Today is the day!!!!!

Why do I feel alone right now? I have so many people in my life and yet I feel all alone and yet for no good reason.

I have some one i love very much in my life I love my fam. and I have some kick ass friends but I fell like I let them all down more than I lift them up and maybe thats why I feel so alone. I have done nothing to help lift them and I know this or maybe I am just empty inside and putting on a front of some body I really am not. I help people every day this I know but what am I really doing for them? Some times I wonder if I am really helping them or hurting them more and thay are just to affraid or to nice to tell me so. Yet here I sit with all I do still for some reason I do not know feeling empty inside, feeling like just a shell of a person that is lost, that has come to a cross roads and waiting for his personal jesus to ask him witch road are you gonna travel the road that is easy but always leads you astray or the hard bumpy road that will lead you to where you need to be? Yet I still stand there not answering becuse he has not come yet but I already know the answer but can not voice becuse I may be scared of the answer? No thats not it becuse I am willing to travel the path least taken. I have travled the easy path that turned out to be bumper than the right path that I know I need to take. Yet I am still alone in so many ways I do not know how to explain it. In just the last year alone I have acomplished more than I have ever thought possible and on a road that will enrich me more than I deserve to have, but for some reason it seems that there is a missing piece that I can not figure out to make this puzzle whole and allow me to feel that I am not alone. Yet I still feel this way. Yet do I really stand alone or are the people I love and care the most really there with me and I yet to see them at my side showing the road that I know I need to travle to gain all I have set for myself or have I set a bar so hi that no matter what road I travel it will end all the same? One I hope to have answers to all this untill then do I stand alone?

ok so it's been awhile since i blogged and well alot has happened since the laost blog but not sure how much i wanna share of it. but i can say i am a happier in many ways since i am enrolled in college ready for it to start but gotta say i am scared as shit tho means so many new things to come in my life and decisions to be made and not sure witch way to move or if these classes may just pull a cincinnati switch on my ass and i am gonna be left out in the cold? if this happens has i burnt to many bridges to turn back around and pick up with the mediocore life that i am in now where my biggest thrill is looking forward to going out to eat at night i mean don't get me wrong i get great joy out of hanging with my online friends and my nightly games of backgammon with bella where i get my ass whipped 8 out of 10 times are awesome and knowing that i can tell her anything and she knows what i mean and where i am coming from makes a day ten times better and i have met some cool new people but i guess i need to ask myself like i was just asked as of late how do you want from your life and i think about it all the time but you know i am not to sure yes i think about it all the time but you know i use to be able to look forward and see what i wanted and where to go to get but you i have not been able to that in a long time but you there is one thing in my life i can do that with and here comes the same things back in my head what are you gonna do to screw that up and you i am trying my hardest not to i know i have to recheck myself everyday to amke sure i don't becuse good things don't come by in my life to often but i have some ghood things and i do beleave that one day with the ones i already have the good will out wiegh the bad but i am not sure how long it will take and will anybody be around when it does to share in the joy with me i know they are here in my time pf pain but you know friends i would like them to hear to enjoy my happy times not just my bad!!! i gotta say tho with out her knowing when we had our "BIG" fight she made me take a good hard look at myself with some things she said to me and becuse of that she has tought me to forgive myself for some things i have done so i can move forward and learn to live and love with the joy of my full heart and soul again. I gotta say tho it's has not been easy but she has been there for me everyday to help me through it just hope one day i can be just as good a friend to her and all my firends as she has been to me!!! bottom line is folks with all i have said and the fears of upcoming things that will change my life in every way i am looking forward to it and will let everybody know how it goes with blessing of the lord and the touch of the devil i may pull this college thing out of my ass and do what i want to do in life and share it with that one right person to give them all they & i want.............

Today is Monday 2011/09/04

OTEP "BLOOD PIGS"

"Blood Pig"

I'm sorry
I'm ugly
all that I am
and I can never live up

I'm failing
I'm angry
afraid of the ways
they pretend to be us

it's fucked up
I'm different
words remain
my only escape

art saves
all of me
evolving

and now you're walking away!!!

I'm so afraid
and now you're walking away

I'm so ashamed
and now you're walking away!!

[voodoo spell:]
Berrate unshat'ecat
 
my mistake
was trusting you

blood pigs
with creating my fate

with poetry
and suffering

I cannibalized
every ounce of my pain

I'm still afraid
everyday

these greedy worms
- they devour my plagues

I'm not your slave
I'm conquering
you see me rise

and now you're walking away!!!

I'm not ashamed!
and now you're walking away!

I'm not afraid!
and now you're walking away!!
 
you can't hurt me anymore
you can't hurt me anymore

fed from the wound from
which we were bled

vomiting filth in
our soft cave heads

chewing on tissue,
tendon and fat

destroying the things
they do not understand!

tyrant.
betrayer.
parasite.
traitor!!

....and still you feed them
....and still you need them

I'm sorry
I'm ugly

dangerous
can't describe it enough

I'm failing
I'm angry

I use my fear
to empower my hate

I'm fucked up
I'm different

wurdz remain
my only escape

art saves
all of me
evolving

and now you're walking away!!!

I'm not ashamed
and now you're walking away

I'm not afraid
and now you're walking away!

and now you're walking away!
and now you're walking away
and now you're walking away

[voodoo spell:]
Berrate unshat'ecat

my mistake!
was trusting you!

blood pigs -
with creating my fate!

with poetry
and suffering
I cannibalized....
every ounce of my pain

I'm still afraid everyday
you still suckle my plagues
I'm not your fucking slave
so why're you walking away?

blood pig!
why're you walking away? 

These are words that describe how i feel about me and how feeling are inside at most times yes the song is not about personal feelings from with in but if u listen and read the words apply them as feeling you will understand how that battle rages with in my mind and soul........i strugle everyday to look like I'm happy and play nice guy when all i really want to do is go and hide from the world and the mouth breathers.......there are few that i talk to and even less that i want to really hear from but instead i act like i am fine and nothing is wrong with me but a few and a very select few they know what i battle and only one understands what i go through on a day to day basis and yet i have let myself push that means of friendship further away when all i want to do is help with her pain and suffer and forget mine but that never seems to happen so what do i do i once again rage a war in my head when there should be none i allow the evil that is inside me to win and fester once again.......to a point where i make relationships damaged to a point that there is no bridge to cross back on...... and i'm stuck in the obiss of my own self hate.....do i some times seem depressed and not a fun loveing person yes but thats my fault and i can say is i try to be the best i can do i have a lot of trust and self disbeleaf in me.....but know i beleave in what i am doing and where i am going and that one day it will happen for me but will i have destoryed all that i want there with me when i finish at the line of my goals answer is yes it has already started one person i wanted to share what is happening with me right now i seem to only piss of to apoint that she is fustrated with me and i feel like i have made her so mad that i will not get to see or talk to her again why u ask it's becuse i call myself "dumbass" alot and yes at times i do feel like i am ate up with it and i do say a lot of dumb things with out thinking....... why u ask again it's becuse it's a reaction i have learned to do so i dont have to face a problem and it just turns and walks a way well i got to run but i will finish this later!!!!!!!!

so today is thursday the 2011/05/05

          i wake up and go into work today to have the boss once again jump my ass for stuff that i had nothing to do with! it's starting to become a trend blame chris and it will all be good.......right? well fuck that i am not ur fall guy im no longer happy and when i'm not happy well stand bye to fucking stand bye......chris has made his mind up i will make something of myself i'm no longer the guy that will just stand there and take shit not that i really do anyways but i have tryed that here now and i don't like it so much so gusse what i'm not gonna bottom line.........got to talk to her today have had a good day with her but i know i said some dumb shit and i know why i'm doing it..... say what i can say is listen dumb ass knock it off stop being so scared and trying to push her away becuse she is a great gal and u know it dumb ass just hope i have not done enough pushing that i lose her!!! so iwas told by some one that i get emo what the fuck dose that really mean emo yes i know what it stands for but i am no 14 yr old school girl dreesed all up in black trying to act like i hate the world to get attenion......but am i emo for becomeing willing to show my feelings and trying to ask for help with them b4 i slip so far down i can't come back from that place that i seem to love and most ppl are afraid of?......i dont know but i seem to be more confussed the more i try to become in touch and understand myself at 33 can u have a mid life criss's if u can i think i'm haveing it........and whats happening becuse of this is i'm loseing and i know she will tell me it but i see it and i ask of u please don't let them dumb ass side of me push u away and don't let ur own feelings of being scared to let some one love help me push u away........so tonight i go see my doughter play her softball game i get a speeding ticket there becuse i am running late only get to see 3 innings she did fucking awesome my baby is the best 7 yr old player alive but the hardest part was when she asked me dady why don't u come around i cry at night thinking u don't love me.......how do u tell her that here mother is the one stopping me and don't answer my calls or txts how can u tell the one person next to my son that i love more than the world the heaven and hell more than god himself or the devil who will work for me one day that it's ur mom the one that she looks up to is the one doing it not me....how do u not cry untill u go to the bathroom so she don't see ur pain and think she did something wrong becuse she did not it's amazeing how kids can read stuff and ppl these's day and man she is smart as whip...ok enough on that i hurt enough..... so after the game my x's ask me to talk away from everybody i say ok.....she ask if i can fix the car that her hubby took apart and can't fix becuse he don't have a fucking clue as to what he is doing bottom line i tell her yes and she hugs me as we seperate the fucking pussy ass bitch of a mother fucker sucker punch's me in my jaw so b4 i can ram and smash his bitch no balls haveing ass she steps in front of me i tell u friends and readers if she was not prego i would have ran her ass over and he would be dead and me in jail right now bottom line....... if i had driven my truck instead of a friends car to the game he would be dead and me in the slammer but i told him and her if i see that gutlees fucking prick again he is good as dead and my friends and readers thats not an idle promise the rage of what my doughter had to see him do and see her crying well thats not forgiveable i have for given alot with him and this i can't u would think when the man u sucker punched has already put a 44 in ur face once when he was calm would be enough and now u have set emotion the wilder beast in my head and the thoughts he has for me to do to u well lets not let that can of worms open......why is it u can never shut ur brain off when u want to when u need it to but when u u need it......it never seems to fail u? ok im off b4 i say shit i should not be letting out of my head yet things i know that i do not need to say ever things ppl dont need to know.......mom i love and miss u please help keep an eye out for me and keep me from being the dumb ass i been acting like.......... i ask the rage and fear i have will not allow me to not use the great common sense i have and cloud my better judgement

today is 2001/5/01 @ 2315 cont. from yesterday........

so i had today off and as normal i thought to much but just let the day go with out saying anything but i find most times that not an easy thing to do there are way to many how should i put it......well just to many fucking mouth breathers around for u not to just want to walk up and punch them in the fucking mouth and i am one who is not afraid to do it.....hell whats the worse that can happen to i get my ass kiccked or i kick some one else's ass or well it just looks like we both kicked our own ass but hey thats the fun of right u never know whats comeing ur way but back to that later i got to talk to her alot more today still seems a bit off but i know she has alot going on and im an insecure kinda go may not see it but i hide it well very few ppl know this till now but fuck it i need to fix it some or i will never have some one like her to stick around i dont wany to be one of those grummpy old men that hayes the world besides i already do that and the self loating i have in me is not good......im tired of ppl running away just becuse i have shit in my head most ppl dont and when i talk about it ppl say wtf is wrong with u well i am a person who likes the midget dressed up like a leperchon and the wilder beast in a skoal can they provid me with entertament so fuck all who dont have ppl in there head becuse u do iam just willing to share mine!!!!!!! i spent 8 hrs on air again with tunes that make me think and some that just help the rage i hold inside to kill some one witch is a long list and i wont start that and only about one person i can think of knows it and she is the one person i have told a lot of stuff to in a short time and not sure why i did but it felt like she is the one i could talk to and could understand what was in my head cuse i get lost on walk abouts in there alll the time and man i need a fucking tour guid that dont speak lerpchonanise that shit is just more fustrateing lol to tell u the truth im not sure why iam righting this i have never been one who dose this kinda thing as i said b4 but for some reason i feel a bit more mello when done so i ask friends is this a way to be happy or just a band aid on a chainsaw cut that needs medical attention? well im sure i need more than just this but why let some over paid head doc fuck with my emotions when i have fubar to do that......so they say bin layden is dead well a-fucking-men my brothers and sisters but we still will not get our brothers in arms back any time soon the goverment needs war this country was founded on that so what will happen some over payed fucking number cruncher and some fucking left wing nut will get together right the right and find away to turn it into away to re-elect a fucking douche of a prez we have run us into the ground some more and all the time they will reap the cash from it as the goverment gets bigger the people get poorier and the wealth cut tax breaks like never b4 where did we go wrong when it is more imporant for us to help everybody in the world and forget about our own ppl wake the fuck up ppl(goverment) look in ur own back yard to see what u can fix and then u will be helping fix the world u retards....so i go and take my ged test tomorrow so i can go to college and make a life that will at some point will fail as i always do as shown in my recent actions but another story for another blog.......so ask why at 33 i am going to do my ged well cuse iam a dumbe ass who droped out in the 9th grade went it to the navy after life kicked me in the balls a bunch of times got my ged there but the colleges dont take it becuse it is non-traditional so once again i am back at the drawling bored trying to figure out how to make my life work.....now iam not by any means poor or ritch but yes i have the same prob as u i am over worked under payed and tired of not have all my bills payed untill the due date on them it sucks fucking monkey balls i know what ur thinking right and u shut fucking leperchon it was my choice to work were iam at but hey thats all thats out there for a man who has made the mistakes i have and done the thing iam not so proud of.....who i am what iwas are 2 different ppl but nobody cares who u are any ways just what it says on the internet or on some damn piece of papper....but would never know that 5 yrs agao i made 60 grand a yr had 8 yrs in the navy a wife at the time one wonderful doughter still huggies now i have an x child support for 2 kids live in a camper my choice i can pay all makeing just over 23 grand a yr doing all i can to make sure my kids can have what they want and not need anything but for some reason that still dont seem to be enough why i dont know maybe cuse i dont have anybody i can spend what happy time i can have with but maybe one day she will see me for who i am what i am and willing to do for it to work and maybe it's hard for somebody to be with me i have a traut prob i have been cheated on by every female i have been with so i tend to over react to the small stuff and under react to the big stuff and allow my blind hate to rare it's head i know not everybody is perfrect as i told her today but u can aslways try to better right but how can u do that if u dont know what to fix or how to fix it with out the help of some one to tell he shit head look here? i should be going to bed but my brain just wont stop and half of what i want to say and need to i cnt not yet yes i am an asshole and will tell u what i think but should i really do it a blog or would it do asny good? but just not redy to piss that many ppl off so i will wait a few days and see how things turn out with out every comes down the pike and well i have not even started on what i really had in my head and i dont know why but my fringers type some thing other than what my head is telling it to so for that i will say good night and have a wonderful life....."If you can imagine it, you can acheive it; if you can dream it, you can become it."