My first blog post. And its pretty much me whining like an emo bitch boy. Here's the thing, I have not always been a good man..hell, i'm still not. I am a liar, a cheater, a confrontational, arrogant, condescending son a ...well, my mother is a saint but you get the point. I know this and i am striving to change, to grow, to be a better man, for my son and because of one amazing, amazing woman. My son adores me...the woman, not so much. That's not entirely accurate. She adores me too...she just doesn't trust me. She's seen the darkest parts of who i am and it scares her. Her heart bears the scars of where its led her in the past and she sees me and the spectacular, epic failures that i bring about to relationships and she is running for her life.
I got the "we're friends to the end" speech. I know she's afraid of being hurt. I know most likely, thats exactly what i'll do. And i know, I know a good man, a better man would let her go. I have left a trail of bodies in my wake and never, not once, cared until now. Now that its come around to bite me. Now that the one woman i have truly fallen for, refuses to let herself fall for me. Do i deserve this? Absolutely. Will i accept this? I'm not that good of a man. I want everything i can't have. I want her. And the frustating part of all this is she keeps falling for guys exactly like me...except i actually do care about her. I actually do value her. I love the way she makes me laugh. I love the way she calls me on my crap. I love the way she is full of useless bits of trivia and how she spits it out when she's nervous and doesn't know what to say. I love that she's intelligent and still goofy. I love that when she's holding my son he is happy and comfortable and he looks like he belongs there. It's a lot to love about her. I want her. I think maybe i need her. I'm not so sure she needs me though. Soooooo there it is, putting it out there for all of the interwebz to see...and babygirl when you read it, you better comment. i know you're peeking, lol.
