Hasn't actually read the Koran, but has definitely skimmed the Cliff's Notes several times.
Cries while listening to Carpenters albums.
Busy burning all his valentines from Osama.
Merciless chemical gassing of his own people was actually "a cry for help".
Former school classmates who teased him now floating in jars in his den.
Wants 239th palace to have an Elvis theme.
Enjoys long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners after long day of overseeing brutal torture of dissidents.
Bought an Abdomenizer after watching late-night infomercial, but it's just sitting on closet shelf in underground bunker.
Has a secret plan for reducing desertion rate of troops in future wars to only 96%.
Now privately admits that "Mother of All Battles" was actually more like "Third Cousin In Law's Niece of All Battles".
Has a nervous habit of flicking his lighter when he sees oil wells.
Has a soft spot for his Chief Torturer and presented him with a monogrammed soldering iron for his birthday.
Has several Pokemon characters tattooed on his butt.
Sometimes gets "just a little creeped out" by 237,984 pictures of himself hung around Baghdad.
Deeply disappointed that Estes company refused to supply him with D-size engines for missile program.
Favorite Iraqi holiday is National "Compose Glowing Poetry About Saddam While Licking His Boots Clean" Day.
Has every episode of Love Boat on tape; likes to dub over dialog with his own speeches.
Sleeps with life-size doll of Joseph Stalin that he refers to as "Snuggums".
Has finally crossed the Bush family off his Christmas card list.
Can't sleep without a night-light and his Scooby Doo pajamas.
Official Food Taster number 7,938 is his favorite so far.
Wiped out 94 relatives, three army divisions, the whole Iraqi Olympic Soccer Team, and an entire species of moss after suspecting their involvement in a coup plot.
Sound management of economy and fiscal discretion will allow complete rebuilding of Iraqi infrastructure by the year 2435.
Really, really enjoyed dissections in grade school Biology classes.
Favorite activity is being driven down Saddam Street to Saddam Stadium to watch Team Saddam practice Saddam Ball every Saddam Day.
Learned his expert military skills through weekly games of Risk.
Likes to dig up most-hated former enemies and execute them a few more times for satisfaction.
Seeking to establish his own coalition, he's considering a bold diplomatic offensive to reopen embassies in Liechtenstein, Andorra, and San Marino.
Has small, adorable puppy named Corpse.
Shares pain of economic embargo because he can only obtain gold-plated replacement fixtures for solid gold bathtubs.
Top scientists have finally unlocked technological secrets of 8-track tapes and Pez dispensers, but have yet to procure free HBO.
Extensive private collection of Barbie dolls has a lot of missing limbs and strange burn marks.
Still wonders if Ross and Rachel will get back together.
Executed thousands over meager 99.99999% share of vote in recent elections after forgetting to vote for himself.
Upset that Slobodan hasn't written for weeks.
Gave pop quiz to aides after nine hour speech at "Disembowel the Zionist Lackeys of Imperialism" Rally; those with low marks now carefully reviewing notes by candlelight in Baghdad sewer cages using remaining limbs.
Pleased that he's now slightly more popular in Kuwait than flesh-eating bacteria; hopes to overtake botulism after lengthy "hearts and minds" campaign.
Bolsters the morale of elite troops by doing the "moonwalk" for them.
Still regretting brilliant "Park Entire Air Force in Iran" maneuver during Gulf War.
Excelled in the Iraqi Boy Scouts and still treasures his Assassination Merit Badge.
Uses various spellings of his name, such as Sadam, Sadamm, or Sahdam, to keep ordering ten CD's for only 1 cent from his favorite record club.
Recent rumors of his ill health were repeatedly, vehemently, and fervently denied by his brand-new personal physician.
Enjoys hunting trips to Baghdad Zoo.
Concubine's continued silence in public explained by lack of tongue.
Favorite comic strip is Marmaduke.
Still trying to convince skeptical U.N. to replace "Oil for Food" program with new "Oil for Plutonium" program.
Believes that Iraqi women have the right to be just as miserable and terrified as Iraqi men.
Now has Iraqi currency printed directly on rolls of toilet paper.
Still loves posing for paintings while wearing sunglasses.
Issued a fatwah against "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown", claiming that only he, Saddam, can be the "baddest man in the whole damn town".
