Reality's gateway slammed shut behind me.
I'm alone again... and my dog is an IDIOT.
Seriously, she drank bleach today.
*tissle giggle chuckle snort*- NO! REALLY! The fucking retard drank bleach today!
And she's surely got something in her mouth again that she shouldn't.
Where was I?
Oh.
Right.
Alone.
SOOOOO Alone.
And now she's... growling at me and shoving an obliterated ratty ... soaked with mystery skunk sock at me.
Do I want out of this? You bet your ass. I seriously may beat the EVER-LiVing-FUCK out of this dog. When I'm normally a very patient and sensible nonviolent person. But it gets kinda frustrating when a dog that has already been trained suddenly realizes it's almost your weight and thinks it can do whatever the fuck to you and your stuff, whenever the fuck.
...as we take a five minute break to ... seriously... fuck off.
as we take a five minute break for the dog to burrow into me, climb on me and bark, and bite... and gnaw... and bark... and bark... and bark... and bark... and bark...closer to ten minutes.
I never get a fucking break.
I have no idea of how to manage my life between... work, school... and this PESTILENT PUPPY!
I can't go out.
I can't stay in.
I can't get a sitter.
I can't do homework.
I can't get more hours.
I am this dog's fucking prisoner.
No... I'm my own prisoner.
Like I said... no breaks.
No friends.
No time.
No energy.
No money.
No fucking life whatsoever...
and now... no relationship.
God... I really do have nothing don't I?
An education, a family, and an open ticket?
It's really not that attractive an offer.
I want a closed ticket.
I want a one way ticket.
I want a nice house in the middle of nowhere with 3 kids with names I like, and my wife. A coushy office job, preferably in my field, and a half dozen publishing deals with more under contract.
But more than anything...
I really want my wife back.
But right now I'm babbling... to make god damn sure I don't get stuck staring at the ceiling again.
I'd get down on my knees and beg her or some other pathetic gesture to come home, but she's either ignoring me, or already passed out...
seriously can this dog fucking mind for more than five fucking seconds?
How did I get into this prison?
How did I bury myself in this?
Why did I?
To be a big kid?
Jesus I have no idea.
In the hussle and bustle... in the onslaught of shells and harried screams of my day to life... in all the madness...
I forgot to take care of myself.
And in turn... I fear that that's really why, suddenly, and without warning or fanfare... I was unloved.
Nobody's fault but my own.
I just kept sinking... up to my knees, to where I could no longer walk out...
up to my waist, up to my elbows to where I could no longer reach for help, up to my shoulders to where I could no longer hope... up to my eyes to where I could no longer mock myself, up to my nose to where I could breathe... but no longer see
any
fucking
chance.
And I just died swiftly bitterly and loudly in front of you...
No small mystery you resented my grumpy ass.
at least...
I'm sure...
none of that helped.
Please come home.
I love you.
And I promise not to walk oblivious into quicksand anymore.
It's not much of a love letter... It's not even a poem, it's a confession.
I made my life SUCK without realizing. And built my prison around you.
I got myself stuck, so selfishly, I put it on you to pull me out.
Which was unfair... and it was more unfair to never notice at the time, that you were trying exactly that..
