Icarus's blog: "Hope- by any other name."

Does dreaming about someone... resentfully
mean you miss her?

It's been going on for a while now, the occasional bubble to the surface or prolonged and extremely unpleasant flashback.
The nagging dreams for closure, or the terrified ones where we're face to face, and no one's grabbing us by the arm and telling us to walk away.
Quickly.

Last night I watched a whole history of men and women fucking her.
We spent an eon in screaming matches over who hurt who more (I'm still convinced I win)
And we raged over the life we cheated the other one out of.
Kids we had named, escapes we had planned.

And I woke up missing her.
The person I met in that dream was a composite of her, a shade, but a true representation
the rage, the violence, the irrationality, the innegotiability, the controlling one sided prison of her love.

I resent her
I loathe her.
I have gone through personal, emotional, financial, legal, and physical hells over this selfish, manipulative, violent girl

and I'm quite convinced I miss her.

It's the only rational decision I can come to.
I don't love her.
I don't even LIKE her.
But when I say it out loud, I miss her.

I guess I can only guess that because of how often she's on my mind... either that or a part of me does want justice.

Living well doesn't feel enough right now, because a part of me will always think of her as stolen property.

As an emotioanlly defunct person- I must ask any normally (or at least passably) functioning person what this is.

Is this hatred? Bitterness? Yearning?
I feel no passion for her... No burning desire to win her back.
But she's not going away.

Is she not going away BECAUSE I'm frustrated that she's not going away?

Is it because this is all I have left of her?
Do I have an attachment- a fondness- a need to hate her?
And this is my minds way of keeping her?

Two months ago she wasn't even here in that capacity.
What changed, and will it again?

I can't say that I enjoy thinking about her- even the good parts... because I know what she's done to my memory.
I know that she hates me for cutting her out completely...
but that was my right. Not only that, god... didn't I have to? After everything that happened, didn't I have to protect myself? Isn't that exactly why she's with him now?
Not exactly... but a contributing factor.

Just how badly did I sever myself in deleting the man that loved her?