i look at his bugging eyes. they are poppin out alot today. he hasnt had his medicine. he asked me for hardboiled eggs, i always make him whatever he wants thought this mornings request raised an eyebrow. he didnt like his eggs , cuz they had no salt. but i cant give him salt. he asks me for some money for his jog a thon as i walk him to the school yard. but he cant be in a jog a thon. he looks forward to trick or treating to, but not me. every year we end up carrying him the last few blocks. he tries but he tires so easy.
i give him what i can of a life. but its not a normal life.
and i forget sometimes. i get so wrapped up in all the life i pretend i can live. i get distracted by the drama i create. i allow boys to take love and energy form me. even when they dont appreciate or deserve it. i am saddened by the loss of friends and lovers. and i let work bother me. i allow those trivial things to bother me.
all the while my son dies. all the while my son watches as kids run around playing tag. he watches kids eat salty popcorn and chips. he knows better than to ask for some. kids tease him when they see how much meds he has to take. ewwwwwww medicine is yucky they tease. and he looks up at me so confused. his medicine isnt yucky. it keeps him alive.
i forget i have real problems. i forget on purpose maybe. everytime i sit and really think about it i cry real tears. im chokin on the situation now. one day, i will give his eulogy. and he asks me...momma dont cry when i die please. tell jokes at my funeral. he sits down and asks me to tell him one of the jokes, he wants to make sure they are gonna be funny jokes.
so i have this on my plate. i think about the day when i lose my son. and all the pain you give me goes away. all the ways you have tried to hurt me dissipate.
and i breathe deep tryin to get air as these thoughts drown my calmness. im stronger than anyone will ever know. but im not strong enough to lose him.
im strong enough to kick the needle. to be homeless then have a home. im strong enough to survive gettin beat by men. gettin verbally raped by men. im strong enough to go through college as a single mom, 12 hours of class, 40 hours of field experience, and 40 hours of real job work.
im strong enough to be used time and again and not be jaded. none of them have succeeded in makin me jaded. good effort though boys.
im strong enough to flip the whole world off and fuckin mean it. but im not stong enough to lose him.
i have been pretty heartbroken lately. i cried alot. i lost my smile there for a second.
and then i look at him. his heart is literally broken. and he never loses his smile.
he is my h-e-r-o and one day im gonna lose him. its really gonna suck. but i think i may be strong enough by now. if he never loses his smile, why should i ?
