petrichor badwolf's blog: "just some stuff"

I had a dream last night, about a college lit professor I had a million years ago.   We were not so far off in age, and after I finished his class we were still sort of friends for awhile, as we also had mutual friends.  I liked him.  He was the kind of cute I liked, the kind of funny I dug, and he was quirky enough to seem brilliant.  He was one of like 3 people, ever that i asked out on a date.  He had turned me down.  I am not sure if he would have ever said yes, under any circumstance, but I found out later he was dating and ended up marrying another friend of mine.  anyway....it has been a couple of decades since I have spoken to this dude....but he was in my dream last night, i think he was drunk and crying...sort of broken...when I came upon him.  When I saw him, the only thought in my head was that I had once, and still wanted to trick out with him.  I wanted to be a part of his world....even if that meant being with a broken version of him...and at this point he now wanted to be a part of my world too....but only because he was broken....i think I do this....or maybe i am just a magnet for this.....like....broken people love me....bi polar people and recovering drug addicts most especially love me...and so at some point...i think I will need to ask myself...what is it about me that is so attractive to broken people.....or if someone seems *non broken* why does it never occur to me that i should envision them in my world to some capacity....or maybe we are all just broken.....i wonder...if i had been born in the 30s....if life would seem more put together....maybe its a little more than poetic justice that movies and such were so black and white back then.  

every morning, i think i make a conscious effort to *be the change*...i try to put positivity out in to the world.  (its work for me, i am not naturally a positive thinker...but it is worth the effort, i think)...but at night...i dunno....its my favorite time...but it strangles me...or maybe i just notice it more because the noise of the day has subsided...i think, at some point I am supposed to forgive myself for who I was...or that the now me is supposed to be an apology in and of itself...isn't that how it works?  life has become so complicated though...its not black and white anymore...there are so many choices....in so many ways this is just so fuckin wonderful.....but sometimes....i miss the idea of simple...for just a moment, i want to be a character in a book about simple times.