Hello All, Hope Ya get a Laugh or two out of these.......
After a long night of making love,
The guy notices a photo of another man,
On the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' He nervously asks.
'No, silly,' She replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' He continues.
'No, not at all,' She says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' He inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' She answers.
'Well, who in the heck is he, then?' He demands.
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.
'
The love story of Ralph and Edna ---
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of
Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself
in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
"
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
Happy Mental Health day!
A blonde goes into the cleaners and drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned. As she's leaving the cleaner says, 'come again'.
The blonde stops and says 'No, It's mustard this time...........
Men are like....
1. Men are like ..Laxatives .. They irritate the crap out of you.
< /B>
2. Men are like.Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they ar e.
3. Men are like Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ..Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ....Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .. F un to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.
"
So, the midge t shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.
"A female horth.
"
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth.
Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, t he rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2.
What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year.
What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4.
What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle.
The pear is
whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way.
How did the pear get insi de the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.
'
THIS IS PRETTY COOL
HAVE A GREAT DAY
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in whi ch neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends ... Boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward s Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons ... Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... Strawberry.
5. How did the pear g et inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree.
The bottle
is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
)
6. Three English words beginning with 'dw' Dwarf, dwell and dwindle .
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S' Shoes, so cks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~Blaze PsYcHo MikE..........=0)
And Finally
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our oil is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania and Texas .
~~~
Our DIPSTICKS are located in
Washington, DC
Any questions?? No? I didn't think so.
