I know that most people may disagree with me here. Mainly considering the fact that Prison Break has renewed the hotness that is jailbait. And I don't mean of the under 17 variety (That has always been hot).
Basically, fugitives have always been sexy. Call it the inherent lust for "badboys and girls" that we naturally have. Danger is exciting. And who can deny how sexy a tear drop tattoo is, carefully etched out with a ballpoint pen into the face of a hardened criminal? Who may or may not be missing a limb from a shanking incident that left them gangrened and vengeful.
So while you've been busy signing up to inmates.com so you can track down some Wentworth action, I've been getting a full body tattoo and making my plans to get into jail. So I can get more chicks, obviously. Also, faking diabetes isn't necessary for me. Imagine my dismay when I realized the doctor is a 62 year old veteran with a distaste for hot inked bodies and who won't buy my "I'm hypoglycemic" story. Oh, my blood sugar. Swoon.
My aunt was a corrections officer in a Federal Prison. I know what you're thinking; Sensual CO action. And first, stop grossing me out, this is my haggy aunt you're drooling over.
She made the same mistake that 41% of you will likely make during your lifetimes; She married a murderer. 3 of them, actually. Some people learn their lessons quickly. Others need them shanked into them repeatedly until they realize that they're sharing a bed with someone who probably daydreams about the good ol' times in the locker room with inmate #2217348. He had dreamy eyes, after all.
So in order to aid you in avoiding a potentially disastrous decision, here are the pros and cons that I can come up with:
Pros:
When you visit them and they tell you that you are their "one and only", you can easily check the visitor log. Never trust an inmate.
There isn't much to do in prison, besides bexing (you know it's the contraction for butt sexing, don't ask again), so they are probably going to have great abs and a killer rear.
Their family has probably disowned them so...less presents to buy over the holidays.
If ever you have a beef with your obnoxious neighbor, your inmate (a term dangerously close to soul-mate, don't you think?) probably knows some people that they can send over to shake them up. "Tell your baby to stop crying, or I'll chop off his toes" kind of thing. Works wonders.
They've killed once. It's probably out of their system. Come on, take a chance!
Cons:
The term Con is synonymous here. Bad news.
If they forget your birthday again, just call the police and tell them that "Hey, T-Bag is up to his old antics again". A night in prison works way better than the silent treatment.
If you get into an argument and you are strapped for a stinging barb? All you have to do is remind them that they are a murderer. You are always going to win that fight. (postscript: Unless you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel like saying "Whatever, jerk. At least I haven't killed someone." but you can see that gleam in their eye, just don't say it. It just reminds them that they always have that option. You have to sleep sometime.)
So the moral of the story is...don't let television guide your love life. If I did, I would have gone after a steely-haired old curmudgeon with a knack for courtroom antics. Because who the hell didn't love Matlock, I'd like to know?
