Subject: The letter shown below is an actual letter sent to
> >> a bank by
> >> an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing
> >> enough to
> >> have it published in the New York Times.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Dear Sir:
> >>
> >>
> >> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
> >> I
> >> endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
> >>
> >>
> >> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
> >> between his
> >> presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the
> >> funds needed
> >> to honor it.
> >>
> >>
> >> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
> >> entire
> >> pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place
> >> for only
> >> eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
> >> window of
> >> opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
> >> penalty
> >> for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness
> >> springs
> >> from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
> >> rethink my
> >> errant financial ways.
> >>
> >>
> >> I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone
> >> calls and
> >> letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
> >> the
> >> impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
> >> which your
> >> bank has become.
> >>
> >>
> >> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
> >> flesh-and-blood
> >> person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
> >> hereafter
> >> no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
> >> check,
> >> addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at
> >> your bank
> >> whom you must nominate.
> >>
> >>
> >> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
> >> other
> >> person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
> >> Application
> >> Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
> >> am sorry
> >> it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
> >> about him or
> >> her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
> >> Please note
> >> that all copies of his or her medical history must be
> >>
> >>
> >> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
> >> of his/her
> >> financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
> >> must be
> >> accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY
> >> convenience, I
> >> will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
> >> must quote in
> >> dealings with me.
> >>
> >>
> >> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
> >> again, I have
> >> modeled it on the number of button presses required of me
> >> to access
> >> my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
> >> imitation
> >> is the sincerest form of flattery.
> >>
> >>
> >> Let me level the playing field ven further.
> >>
> >>
> >> When you call me, press buttons as follows:
> >>
> >>
> >> IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR
> >> ENGLISH
> >>
> >>
> >> #1. To make an appointment to see me
> >>
> >>
> >> #2. To query a missing payment.
> >>
> >>
> >> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
> >> there.
> >>
> >>
> >> #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
> >> sleeping.
> >>
> >>
> >> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
> >> attending to nature.
> >>
> >>
> >> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
> >> home.
> >>
> >>
> >> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access
> >> my
> >> computer is required. Password will be communicated to you
> >> at a later
> >> date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
> >>
> >>
> >> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
> >> through 7.
> >>
> >>
> >> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
> >> will then be
> >> put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
> >> answering service.
> >>
> >>
> >> #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While
> >> this may,
> >> on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
> >> play for the
> >> duration of the call.
> >>
> >>
> >> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
> >> levy an
> >> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
> >> arrangement. May
> >> I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
> >> Year?
> >>
> >>
> >> Your Humble Client
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> (Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman)
> >> 'YA JUST GOTTA
> >> LOVE ' US SENIORS'!
> >>
> >>
> >> And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't
> >> like being old in
> >> the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them
> >> off.
