lovesdqs's blog: "precious-life"

I used to be a very independent person needing only myself! What happened? I'm not even sure who I am how am I supposed to find someone to love? I want to feel loved, wanted, needed! I feel like I'm a bother to everyone. No one calls me except my mom and she only calls to make sure I'm up for work. I talk to her about my baby shower she's planning for me only because she has to I don't have anyone else. She's told me over and over " I'm not supposed to be the one planning this" if I hear her say that one more time I'm just going to scream at her that I don't need a fucking baby shower then. She complains about how much everything costs. She doesn't even seem excited about all of this. How am I supposed to be excited when no one else is? The father wont willingly talk to me I mean he has short responses to my text messages. Its as if he doesn't even think about his son unless I call or text him. Maybe it'll change after Jaydn is born. I'm glad his life is going good but the order of his priorities is confusing me. I don't know what he wants or feels about us having a baby and not being together unless he talks to me , maybe it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm the one everyone says "oh god! What now?" when they receive a call or text from me. My brother is there for me but I don't want to put my issues on him he's dealing with a lot rite now! I think I could go to his girlfriend but she's strong and I don't want to be weak besides why would she want to deal with me she's with my brother not me. What I don't get is how can I go from high school, having friends all the time and rarely being single to not having anyone I mean I have more businesses in my phone than people. Does this make me a loser? And as for being sexual with anyone… yeah right! The last person I slept with only slept with me because I guess its cool to sleep with your friends little sister. According to him he really cared about me. He never made time for me, yeah he works 3rd shift but this wasn't just not seeing me this was no calling me no texting me nothing! He never cared about me he was just tired of being lonely. God! What does that say about me? depression is overwhelming me im so lonely with no one to talk to and no one to hang out with i sit home every nite n watch tv how exciting i feel like this will never go away! im soo excited to be having a son but i wish i would jst have him so that i can be some what attractive again maybe this is wrong but i jst dont wanna be alone n e more!!!!!!!

The most innocent life is that of a child! A child in which i will be having! whoo rayy!!!! im pregnent! bubba1 and i will be the proud parents of a precious life!

what is it that i deserve? how do i know? see im dating adam, and he says that i am great! see the only problem is that i have never been told that or felt that i was a good person. i mean i am a good person cuz i care about others and am a good cemaritan and all but in a relationship 4 some one to say that i am great is unbelievable! with adam i am oh so nervous! i want this to last forever! i guess im nervous cuz i dont understand how or y i deserve him! hes the greatest person i have ever met and he wants to be with me!! WOW! y was i not great to my ex's? what did i do? i dont want adam to hate me in the end, hell i dont want an end with him! he is the best! he rubs my back and feet volentarally! kisses my hand and holds me close to him! talks to me AND listens to me! this is one of the text messages he sent me, youll see how sweet he is! Fr: Adam yur the most important and beautiful person in my lif and im not going to loose u no matter wut happens i luv u damn it!! Seriously! where has he been? i have never been so happy! I DO deserve him!!!!!!

i love life! at the begining of the month i walked away from a 5 yr relationship. the first couple of years were good but then my ex girlfriend started to control me. she would go thru my stuff lookin 4 reasons to yell at me & search thru my phone 4 numbers she didnt know. she would find numbers that i had dialed, call them back and find that they were numbers to wal-mart or pizza hut. she then would get mad saying that i was seeing someone from there. I was not allowed to talk with any friends that i had and my relationships with my family suffered i had to ask permission to even go see my mama. then it got to the point to where she would not let me go places by myself convinced that i was cheating on her. we worked together and i wasnt allowed to speek to anyone we worked with unless she said so, no eye contact with anyone or she would think i was flirting with them. she then (just about 2 months ago) starting hangin out with a girl that we worked with. she would blush when she say that this girl was calling and flirt with her in front of me. she then started going places with her and leaving me home alone. u knew that our relationship had ended a long time ago but i couldnt find the strength to leave, i had worked to hard to get everything that we had! thats right i got everything 4 us she spent her money on things she wanted and i had to use my money 4 what we needed taking care of 2 dogs and a cat on top of taking care of her. that wasnt a big deal because i naturaly am a caring person and would take care of others be 4 myself! but the way she treated me and yelled at me 4 no reason her words hurt! i have in the past been in an abusive relationship and on several occasions i had told her that i would rather her beat the shit out of me than talk to me the way she did! i was worthless and she was only with me out of pitty 4 me and she was doing me a favor by being with me cuz no one else would want a fat bitch in their way! i should have been thanking her she would say. well the sat. before new years, i dont know where or how i found the courage to walk out but i left that nite and went to the bowling alley where i had spent so much of my child hood and knew many ppl. i had asked Mac if he knew troy's number. troy is a ex but has always been there 4 me whenever i needed him as long as she didnt find out so troy and i talked very seldom. anyway i called troy from the bowling ally and asked him to come down. see due to the fact that i wasnt allowed to go anywhere she would never think to look at the bowling alley since i hadnt been there since 2002. he came down and talked with me we then started bowling and the rest of the gang came. my old friends whom i had thought would never take me back in because of her. i had the most fun that i had ever had because i was free of her and the yelling and the fear of not knowing what i had done. i was able to be myself again confident out going and fearless! i had gone back home around 3am and nothing really happened but on new years eve she had me drop her off at a hockey game so she could be with this girl on new years. remembering how good it felt to be me. i went home, changed and headed to the bowling alley. since then i have moved out and in with my mom til i can find a place of my own. i give the gang all the credit 4 me leaving her i would have never had the strength if it wasnt 4 them! im kinda seeing this guy. he gives me attention and loves jst being in my company he listens and cares about what i have to say (even the stupid shit) i feel like maybe i am moving too fast it was only 3 weeks or so ago that i left her. and i dont feel bad or hurt that im not with her cuz like i said our relationship was over along time ago! im not exactly sure what i am supposed to do or how im supposed to feel but i feel good when im with Adam! i jst want to love life again!!