CemeterySundown's blog: "Poem 4"

Ponderings

I woke up last night, screaming in pain
Nightmares again, hope lost, nothing to gain
Never seeing, never trying, never wanting to care
Seeing things, seeing people, that aren't really there
Have I gone crazy? or is it simply those things I wish to be
Hoping against everything, that one day my soul will be free
Free to be a father, to love my children, to find hope
Or will I just end up hanging on a gibbet from the end of a rope
My children scream in the darkness, begging, calling my name
Igniting that flickering candle, turning it into raging flames
The darkness beckons, calling me forward, as my loved ones fight to keep me here
Looking into that blackness, knowing the face of fear
I look behind me, searching, longing, where is that tiny light?
The one bright thing in the darkness, giving me the strength to fight
I see their faces, their smiles, their tears as they watch me die inside
I see everyone accusing me, why, "We thought you were happy", why have you lied?
Smiling through the tears, thinking that something is wrong, why can't I do it alone
Isn't that what I was taught in my last 'caring' home
I want nothing more than to escape this hellish place
To finally be able to wear a true smile on my face
Never seeing, never believing, never wanting to breathe again
Self mutilation, self hate and loathing, continuing on its current trend
I struggle against the chains that bind my soul, trying once again
Trying to break free, trying, yet another useless message to send
My wrists bleed as the metal digs into the skin, shedding my blood
While others take my name, and smear it into the mud
I am here, why can't you hear me, sitting on the sidelines like some fated ghost
Struggling towards that which....that which I want the most
To feel alive inside, to feel wanted and needed for something other than what I can buy
As days pass, and I realize my spirit is failing, tears streaming as I scream at the sky
Where is this God, that everyone believes in so much
I feel so out of it, completely lost and out of touch
I'm drifting, in a sea of loneliness
Left with only myself, to clean up the mess
Emptiness, surrounds me, suffocates me, strangling me,and I black out
I wake up disoriented, not knowing where I am, what is this all about
What did I do that was so terrible and wrong
Where do I find the will to fight, why am I still so strong
My children, the only reason I have left to live
My children, to which I want nothing more than to give
My love and my guidance, to be there when they cry
Out of the darkness a single voice whispers...its all a lie
As I sit here and reflect on one single thought
Of all my past memories, and the pain that they've brought
Hiding from everyone, soul steeped in sin
Satan laughing, smiling, with a malicious grin
'You can never escape me, your soul belongs to me'
The only voice in the darkness, and no light to save me and set me free
I struggle to push forward, to not give into hate
The anguish I feel inside, writhing and stinging, never to abate
As I slipped into slumber, my brain started to scream
The scariest part about being alive, is when you start to dream