So, Working alot, taking time for my family. Friends are awesome and have been very supportive. My daughter who just came home, is finding a place and moving out. She needs to be allowed to grow up huh? Even if I dont want her to go, she has to and I know that. Samantha will be going as well by year end. I will prolly have my grandson till she gets to NC and gets settled, finds work, then I will send him up to be with her. So, by year end, I will just have Allyson home. Ughhhhhh...
Broken heart is trying to mend. And all my kids are going away. Times lately have seemed sad, and I havent been myself alot. I probably wont be myself for a bit yet. So continue to bear with me my friends. Life seems like it keeps throwing me backwards instead of forwards.
I dont know day to day anymore what its gonna be like, whats gonna happen or what my schedule will even be. I dont like it being in such dis-array. I like schedules. I like plans. I like knowing what I am doing and what direction I am headed. I dont know anymore though.
Thats really messing me up too. I am spontaneous. Yes, in my personal life. But in my work, I like knowing that everything is in order. In my family, I like knowing that everything is taken care of.
And the loneliness and emptiness I feel now, I had forgotten how hard it can be. I turned my emotions off for so long, that after opening them back up, now its like I know what has to be and I am trying to manage the emotions. But its hard. I dont regret that joyful time. Not in any way, shape or form. I am glad I got to feel love one more time, in my lifetime. But it did succeed in reminding me how much I have missed out on all these years shutting myself down emotionally.
And yet, I find I must do it again. One more time. Shutting down. Closing my heart off. But I guess its how life intended things to be. I know, not my usual Sunshine self huh? Dont worry friends. I am slowly getting back there. And I am always here if any of you need a smile :)
**hugs**
